’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Relegation Monday! (4/2) – Embrace the suckitude

Noob’s greatest joy is to filter and bring to light the ten most important matches for new-ish American fans every day or week-part.  Mondays, in the afterglow of superhot action around the world, the schedules get a bit thinner.

Instead of taking respite, no!  We primarily put our focus on teams possibly about to get Relegated, booted to lower divisions, perhaps never to see the light of Premier day again.  Enjoy the likely end of these clubs’ halcyon days, embrace their suckitude.

  1. Sunderland vs. Sheffield Wednesday – English Championship

Sunderland aren’t out of time, but they’re getting there.  Seven matches left to go in the tier-two league season and they’re in second-to-last, five points deep in the Relegation Zone.  Hosting a below-average SW team (17th place) is a great chance for them to pick up three points.

Fun Fact:   Sunderland’s “black cats” nickname may be a reference to an artillery base from Napoleonic times – “the black cat battery”.

RESULT:   Sheffield Wednedsday   1-3     SW moved to 9th, just a couple points out of the last Promotion Playoff slot.

Image result for janet jackson black cat gif

 

 

Janet Jackson, getting perhaps a bit too into that fellow’s guitar playing during a performance of “Black Cat”.

B.  Asteras Tripolis vs. Platanias – Greek Super League

Platanias are so deep in last place they can’t see the sun.   They’ve only won or drawn in six matches all season, less than half of the next-worst club.  Tripolis is pretty average, but should handle business at home.

Fun Fact:  Platanias are from Chania, one of the four regional areas of Crete, informally and simply referred to locally as “western Crete”.

RESULT:   Tripolis   4-0

Image result for Greek letter Beta

 

 

 

Iconographic, Greek Number B.

  1. Olimpo vs. Temperley – Argentina Premier

These two are the better of the four in the multi-year Relegation Zone, could actually climb out.   But neither is playing like they will, being in the bottom three this season.  (6:00 PM Easterm TyC Sports International)

Fun Fact:  Olimpo’s home city of Bahia Blanca is the leading city in the country in basketball.

RESULT:   1-1

  1. Pogon Szczecin vs. Slask Wroclaw – Poland Ekstraklasa

Poland’s top league soon divides into title playoff and relegation-playout divisions.  These two are far enough down that they cannot avoid the latter.

Fun Fact:  OK, not “fun”, but interesting perhaps: Szczecin was founded by Poles who were moved west in the country after the Soviet Union took over eastern parts of the country in 1945.

RESULT:   Szczecin   3-2

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They must be good guys, looks like they got chosen for House Gryffindor to Noob.

  1. Poli Timisoara vs. Sepsi OSK – Romania Liga I

This league as divided as well.  The bottom two get Relegated, while the next team up has to play another playoff with a second-tier team.  Timisoara hold the latter position.  Sepsi are in last.

Fun Fact:  Timisoara is co-owned by the local university, city and county governments.

RESULT:   2-2

  1. Septemvri Sofia vs. Etar – Bulgaria First League

Bulgaria’s league goes an extra step for Relegation.   Right now, the bottom eight teams are playing in two four-team divisions.  The bottom two from each will then play a bracketed Relegation playout toiurnament.  Septemvri are high enough up in 2nd place that they should be safe.  Etar is in last in their Group, definitely bound for the Playout.

Fun Fact:  Septemvri’s home pitch isn’t good enough for official matches, so those get played at fellow league team Bistrista’s field.

RESULT:   S.Sofia   1-0

Image result for new septemvri stadium sofia

 

 

New Septemvri Stadium is being built.  This is an artist’s rendering.

  1. Sport Boys Warnes vs. Aurora – Bolivia Premier

Aurora were promoted to Bolivia’s top division this year.  It’s early, but they’re in position to get possibly booted right back down.  The last-place finisher will go automatically, second-to-last (Aurora, right now) will have a playoff with a second-tier team.

Fun Fact:  Aurora are from Cochabamba, a mountain valley city where it’s springlike all the time, and so is known as “the City of Eternal Spring”.

RESULT:   Aurora   1-2    It’s a Relegation Monday miracle!  Aurora jump to 8th in the aggregate table, well out of danger.  For now.

And now for your non-Relegation pleasure —

  1. Esteghlal vs. Al-Rayyan – AFC Champions League

The Group stage of qualification continues for Asia’s premier club tournament.  The top two from each Group of four will qualify out of this round.

These two teams are tied for first, but with two matches to go at least one could be caught by 3rd-place Al-Ain.  The Iranian hosts today are probably as good as the best MLS teams, to give an idea of quality.  Qatar’s visiting side should be about a goal underdog today.

RESULT:   Esteghlal   2-0

Image result for underdog cartoon meme

  1. Young Boys vs. Basel – Swiss Super League

Young Boys of Bern are running away with the title.  But the league is strong enough that it gets two berths into next year’s Champions League.  Basel are #B, but ahead of 3rd-place St. Gallen by only three points.  This match is best offense versus best defense.  YBB should be able to control the pace.

RESULT:   2-2

  1. Wacker Innsbruck vs. Weiner Neustadt – Austria First League

For a change on a Monday, Noob had some solid choices for featured matches today.  But I’m still 12 years old in some ways, couldn’t help but include this one.   It’s the Weiner-Wacker derby!

OK, they almost certainly don’t call it that in Austria.  Still, enjoy.  Weiner is tied for 1st and in line for one of the two auto-promotion slots for their Bundesliga.  Wacker Innsbruck is in 3rd, which would have them playing a bottom-rung top-tier team for a chance at promotion themselves.

RESULT:   Innsbruck   2-0    Wacker tops weiner.

Image result for immature humor

 

 

Truth?  Maybe.

Depends on the admission price.

 

 

Honoroable mention:  Qabala vs. Sumqayit (Azerbaijan Premier, #B vs. #3), Ismaily vs. El Zamalek (Egypt Premier, #B vs. #3), Al Ahly vs. Tanta (Egypt Premier, #1 vs. Relegation candidate #16), Racing de Casablanca vs. Wydad Casablanca (Morocco Botola Pro, last place vs. #7 and defending CAF Champions League winner), Sport Huancayo vs. Academia Cantolao (Peru Premier, #B vs. #3 in league Group B)

’10 to Track’ soccer matches Weekend Edition! Premier, MLS, all the best – plus new league coverage announcement

Hitting the hinterlands of world footyball yesterday was a dream, as always.  But weekends are where T2T gets (comparatively) serious.

Don’t miss the Sunday new league coverage announcement.  It’s gonna be!– well, it’s gonna be content.

Saturday, 3/31

  1. Chicago Fire vs. Portland Timbers – MLS

Both clubs have lost both their games this early season.  Last year, they finished 3rd and 6th in the Western Conference.  (Chicago has been moved into the East now.)  Both teams struggled on defense, at least when compared to other playoff teams.  (6:00 PM Eastern, NBA League Pass 6).

RESULT:   2-2

 

Portland- Basilisk’s iconic fried chicken sammich.  

Nice work!  Chicago deep dish still wins.

B.  Chicago Red Stars vs. Portland Thorns – NWSL

Double-header in Bridgeview, IL!   At least Noob assumes both are hosting on their same home pitch.  The 8:15 PM start time for this match suggests it.  These two finished in 4th and 2nd, respectively, last year.

RESULT:   Portland   2-3

Image result for letter B number 2

 

 

Can’t hedge!   You’re either into boring old Number Two or down with Number B.

  1. Paris Saint-Germain vs. AS Monaco – Coupe de la League

The Final!   This is not the FA Cup, but rather a tournament open to pro clubs in just the top three divisions in France.  Given that PSG has demolished all of Ligue 1 this year, Noob wonders if league #B Monaco will be revved up to snatch some hardware away from PSG.

RESULT:   PSG   3-0

  1. Bayern Munich vs. Borussia Dortmund – Bundesliga

1st place is out of reach for 3rd-place Dortmund, so maintaining their top-four place in the table and getting a Champions League invite is the goal.  They’d love even a draw against champ-in-waiting Bayern.  (12:30 PM, Fox Deportes)

RESULT:   Bayern   6-0     not a typo.   this was a terrible, awesome rout

Image result for borussia dortmund funny

 

Those masks won’t help you hide from Bayern.   

BVB on your shirts, fellas.

  1. Juventus vs. AC Milan – Serie A

Milan is five points out of 4th place and the last Champions League berth.  1st-place Juventus has only lost twice all year, yet only lead Napoli by two points.

This is a bad matchup for Milan, as they have trouble scoring and Juve has the league’s best defense.  This may well be the world’s most important match this weekend.  (2:45 PM, Rai Italia)

RESULT:   Juve    3-1

  1. Sevilla vs. Barcelona – La Liga

Sevilla does not have a realistic shot of cracking the top four, but they are in line for a Europa League invite, being in 6th place.  7th will get in as well this year, but even that is not guaranteed for Sevilla.  Lots of teams are in the hunt.  Barcelona are undefeated, the best team in the world.  (2:45 PM, beIN Sports)

RESULT:   2-2

Image result for game show prizes funny

 

6th place could win this dartboard and pool table.  And longer pool table?…

  1. Ljubljana vs. Maribor – Slovenia Prva Liga

[loo-blee-ah-nuh] have almost wrapped up the league title.  It’s hard to say historic powerhouse #B Maribor is ever quite completely out of it, but they are ten points back.  This league is only the 30th-strongest in Europa, but Noob is always down for matchups from the very top of tables.

RESULT:   1-1

Sunday, 4/1

**Soon, Noob’s exclusive coverage of the Isle of Sodor Premier League will begin!   Sudric football has been loosely organized at best.  Until now, with the formation of their FA.**

The Island of Sodor with it's hypothetical location in the UK (From Thomas the Tank Engine/Thomas and Friends) [OS] [5526x3175]

  1. Chelsea vs. Tottenham Sir Topham Hatt Hotspur – English Premier

The only important drama left in Premier’s top of the table is right here.  5th place hosts 4th, a battle for the league’s final Champions League spot next year.   With just eight matches to go, it’s not quite a must-win for Chelsea at five points back.  But they sure as shite can’t lose.

So, c’mon, Chelsea.  Don’t let the traitorously-named Hotspur get the best of you.  Ramp up the so-so offense a bit and take these ne’er-do-wells down!  (11:00 AM, NBCSN)

RESULT:   Hotspur   1-3

  1. UNAM Pumas vs. Necaxa – Liga MX

9th vs. 10th doesn’t look intriguing at a glance.  But remember:  the top eight clubs make the Liguilla, the postseason league tournament.

Noobstrdamus has access to the soccer alternate planes, has learned Necaxa will score the road upset today.  It couldn’t be that I read Pumas can’t play D at all.   It’s the first thing.  *nod*

RESULT:   1-1    Prognostication fail.  In fact, Pumas played most of the second half a man down.

Image result for Noobstradamus

 

 

I once tamed a wild puma with just my headband.

  1. Boca Juniors vs. Talleres – Argentina Premier

Finishing off the Track in style, as Noob is wont to do!   #1 hosts #B in Argentina’s astounding 28-club deep league.  Best offense versus best defense.   Pirate yourself an interwebs stream of this one somewhere.

RESULT:   Boca Juniors   2-1      Juniors get the go-ahead goal at 90′, open up a huge -9- point lead in the table.

Image result for pirated internet stream funny

 

 

See?  It’s a good idea.

 

’10 to Track” soccer matches for Globetrotting Friday

The heart and soul of this site is ’10 to Track’, the most important games for us, the newish American fans, to follow.  Friday’s are a bit lighter in the world schedules, so we jet around the globe, in search of new-to-us football to discover.

As always, Noob starts you off with more familiar locales, and then we’re off!

  1. Toronto FC vs. Real Salt Lake – MLS

The only MLS game today pits the defending champs against last year’s Western Conference #8.  TFC are the defending regular season and MLS Cup champions.  They sported the best offense and defense in 2017.

Meanwhile, Real Salt Lake continues to offend Noob’s sensibilities to the core.  The name “royal” was not that well-received in Utah when the club first came to be.  We have nothing to do with royalty in this country!  Salt Lake, you make George Washington, Paul Revere, and Sherman Helmsley turn over in their graves.

RESULT:   Toronto   3-1

Image result for sherman hemsley funny

 

 

Yes, Sherm was as much about freedom as anyone.

B.  Houston Dash vs. Utah Royals – NWLS

Same owner for the expansion women’s club.  *shakes fist at Dell Loy Hansen*

What kind of name is “Loy” anyway?

RESULT:   Utah   0-1

Image result for letter B cartoon

 

 

Number B-bear is unimpressed with Dell Loy.

  1. Morelia vs. Guadalajara – Liga MX

Morelia are the Monarcas.  Good golly, Miss Molly!   There are no kings and queens ruling or offering soccer patronage and blessings in Mexico, either.

RESULT:   Guadalajara   1-2

  1. Middlesbrough vs. Wolverhampton Wanderers – English Championship League

Middlesbrough are the “Smoggies”.  Woverhampton’s two nicknames are built right into the club name.  We finally get to a match in a country where there are royals…razzlefrazzlerazzle!

Oh yeah, footyball stuff.   6th hosts 1st.  Wolverhampton will almost certainly be promoted to Premier for next season.  Middlesbrough are in the last position to get to be in the playoff for a third and final promotion.

RESULT:   Wolverhampton   0-2

Image result for smoggies middlesbrough

 

Sad that the nickname really comes from the area’s smog.  These are Middlesbrough fans.  Really.

  1. Ciego de Avila vs. Guantanamo – Cuba National Championship

Welcome to the Track, Cuba!   This league’s a bit of an odd duck.  The 12 teams divide into three Groups.  The top two finishers from each will make the league playoffs.  Last year, the regular season was only a dozen games.  3rd-place Guantanamo would have to about run the table to catch up with #B Avila.

Fun Fact:  Ciego de Avila is the capital city of the province of the same name.  The province was created by Fidel Castro in 1975.

RESULT:   CdA   2-1

  1. Tianjin Quanjian vs. Guangzhou Evergrande – China Super League

Last year’s #3 visits the defending league champs.  The season there is just begun.  TQ had oodles of trouble scoring, despite their nice finish.  Noobstradamus is envisioning a road win for “the Southern China Tigers”.

RESULT:   Evergrande   0-1

Image result for Noobstradamus

"中国南方的一只老虎曾经偷过我的裤子"

 

  1. Karnataka vs. West Bengal – Santosh Trophy

This is a Knockout semifinal match.  This is a tournament for state and regionally-based teams.  West Bengal are the defending champions.

Fun Fact:  West Bengal have won this event 31 of the 43 times in which they’ve appeared in it.

RESULT:   WB   0-2

  1. Welayta Dicha vs. Mekelakeya – Ethiopian Premier

Apologies, Ethiopian Premier League.  Last week, Noob introduced you to the Track as a not-too-strong one.  Now I discover you’ve made the CAF rankings, which only list the top 18.  Mea culpa.  These two clubs are not the strongest there though – #9 and #13, respectively.

RESULT:   0-0

Wolaita dicha sc.png

  1. Extension Gunners vs. Miscellaneous – Botswana Premier

Gunners were featured earlier this month, got a win over a team one spot higher in the table.  Today, the midtable hosts get a tougher matchup against the oddly-named #3 club.

Fun Fact:  Gunners’ home of Lobatse was the first town to have a tarmac road.  Ok, that wasn’t “fun” fun.   But is is a fact.

RESULT:   Misc.   0-1

  1. Rahimo vs. Etoile Filante – Burkina Faso Premier

This may only be worth trying to find an interwebs pirated stream for if you like defense. A lot.  Filante are in 3rd, but doesn’t score much for a top-of-table clubs.  Rahimo are in 12th and they must just kick the ball out of bounds a lot.  Very, very few goals for or against them.

RESULT:   Filante   0-1

Image result for Rahimo FC 2018

 

 

LOVE the kits, Rahimo!

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Midweek Edition, 3/27-29

Noob will have more on these first five matches of the Midweek soon, plus the other five.

  1. USA vs. Paraguay – international friendly

FIFA-ranked 25th and 30th best teams, just kicking it around.  American man’s national team still has an interim manager in place, having fired Bruce Arena after the U.S. failed to qualify for World Cup.  Paraguay missed out as well.  (7:30 PM Eastern, FS1, Univision Deportes)

RESULT:   USA   1-0    U.S. penalty kick at end of first half is the winner

Image result for freedom funny

 

 

 

Muricuh!!

 

 

 

B.  Mexico vs. Croatia – international friendly

These two qualified for World Cup, so this is a tuneup for both.  They’re ranked #17 and #15 in the world.  (10:00 PM, FS1, Univision Deportes)

RESULT:   Croatia   0-1

Image result for letter B friendly

 

 

The friendliest Number B of all

3.  England vs. Italy

#16 and #14 face off in what, still shockingly, is only a WC warmup for the hosts.  Italy hadn’t failed to qualify in like a half century or so.  (3:00 PM, Fs1, Fox Deportes)

RESULT:   1-1    Italy scored the late equalizer after a penalty was called via use of VAR (Video Assistant Referee)

  1. Athlone Town vs. UCD – League of Ireland Cup

The First Round of not-the-FA-Cup rolls on!  These two are both in Ireland’s second-tier league.  It’s very early, but University College Dublin are in 1st, Athlone Town last.

RESULT:   UCD   0-2

Image result for university college dublin football

 

UCD’s secret to success?  Water pitch.

  1. Peñarol vs. Danubio – Uruguay Premier

#1 hosts #4 here.   How is Danubio 4th?  They have nearly the worst offense in the league.

RESULT:   1-1

Wednesday, 3/28

6.  Seattle Sounders II vs. Fresno FC – USL

Welcome to the Track, expansion division two Fresno!  They opened with a loss at home to fellow expansion team Las Vegas Lights, then got a draw hosting LA Galaxy’s reserve side.  Their first road test comes against Seattle squad that likes to play wide open.

RESULT:   Fresno   0-1

Fresno FC.PNG

7.  Barcelona vs. Lyon – UEFA Women’s Champions League

This is the second leg of the Quarterfinall.  Defending champions Lyon got a late-ish goal to take a 2-1 lead at home in the first leg.

RESULT:   Lyon 0-1      On to the semifinals for the French

8.  Linkopings vs. Manchester City – UEFA Women’s Champions League

Man City lead the Finnish side 2-0 after the first leg.

RESULT:   Man City   3-5     They led 0-4 at the half

Image result for finnish soccer funny

 

Is this real?  Yes.

Is this Champions League?  Probably not.

9.  Chelsea vs. Montpelier – UEFA Women’s Champions League

Chelsea won in France 2-0 to start the tie.

RESULT:   Chelsea   3-1

Thursday, 3/29

10.  Vendsyssel vs. Esjberg – Denmark First Division

Another first-time Track visitor!  Like in many countries, the “first division” is the second-tier league, and so it is in Denmark.

Only the league champ will be automatically promoted into the country’s Super Liga.  The next two will have a playoffs, and that’s these two right now.  The race is very tight, and half the league is within ten points of 1st.

RESULT:   Vendsyssel   3-2     Esjberg equalized in the 86′ only to see Vendsyssel win it at 90′

Football efb logo.png

 

Critiquing crests is easy and cheap, but c’mon, EfB.  This looks like like a old- time-y ice cream shop sign.

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Relegation Monday (3/26) – no international break here!

It’s really just the European international break.  But hey, in Amuricuh we call our pro sports winners “world champs”.  So it slides.

Relegation Monday – Noob had to dig deep to find some sadsack clubs to parade.  And we’ll check out some league sand events from around the world to continue or footyball ongoing edication, Noobies.  Enjoy!

  1. Ballymena vs. Ballinamallard – Northern Irish Premier

Ballinamallard is in last.  If they can climb one spot in the table, they’d have a chance to stay up via a playoff with a second-tier club.  That’s the best they can hope for this late in the season.  Noob uses the word “hope” loosely here.   They don’t score much, and have given up a mind-blowing 82 goals.  Woof.

Fun Fact:  Ballinamallard’s crest bird was chosen by a contest for third graders drawing the team’s namesake bird.  (Well, it looks that awful anyway.)

RESULT:   Ballymena   2-0

Image result for ballinamallard fc

B.  Boca Unidos vs. Club Atletico Mitre – Argentina Primera B Nacional

The second-tier league in Argentina demotes five clubs annually, the most Noob has ever seen.  Boca Unidos are just in 19th of 25, but they use a multi-year points system for giving teams The Boot here.  B.U. lives there thanks to the league’s worst defense.

Fun Fact:  Corrientes – B.U.’s home province – is famous among stamp collectors for the ones it produced in the mid-19th C.

RESULT:   Mitre   1-2

Image result for inferior letter B

 

 

Jelly bean’s?  Noob’s going to eat you up, Number B’s!

  1. Siracusa vs. Reggina – Serie C

Welcome to the Track, third-tier Italy!  Told you Noob was digging deep.  About 60 teams compete at this level, formerly known as LegaPro.  They are divided into three geographically-based divisions.  These two play in the South.

The bottom four from each division have a Playout tournament at season’s end to determine which gets sent down.  Or tournamentS.  Noob’s not sure if each division does their own if they all get tossed into one big quagmire.

Reggina is tied for 15th of 20.  They can’t score to save their lives, so it’s a wonder they’re even this high up.  Siracusa are in 4th.

Fun Fact:  Reggina are “the Amaranth”, based on their bright red primary color.  The same-named flower is also called “pigweed”.

RESULT:   0-0

That’s it for Relegation Monday Drop Zone matches.  The rest looks more like a Globetrotting Friday.  Still fun!

  1. Wales vs. Uruguay – China Cup

This is a four-team tourney in China, just two games per team.  This is the Final, between teams ranked #34 and #68 by FIFA.  The Czech Republic and host China will play the 3td-place match today as well.

RESULT:   Uruguay   0-1

Image result for welsh in china

 

 

Welsh and Chinese dragons.  High five!

  1. Portugal vs. Netherlands – international friendly

This is a World Cup tuneup for Portugal.  Netherlands, along with Italy, were a very notable team not qualify.  They’re ranked 7th in the world by FIFA.  Portugal is #36.  (2:30 PM Eastern, ESPN Deportes)

RESULT:   Netherlands   0-3

  1. Waterford vs. UCC – Irish League Cup

This is not the FAI Cup, or what in most countries is the FA Cup.  Unlike so many nations’ secondary Cup tournaments, top-tier leagues do participate in this one.  It’s regularly teams from as low as five divisions down, plus some even lower by invitation.

This is the First Round.  Waterford are playing Premier this year.  University Cork City are an average side from the Munster Senior League’s Premiere division – the Irish third tier.

RESULT:   Waterford   4-1

Image result for UCC funny

 

 

A little blue for Noob’s taste, but what a strong, strange burn.

  1. Ak-Bet vs. Ekibastuz – Kazakhstan Cup

The Kazakh FA Cup is in its Group Stage.  The 13 participating clubs form the second and third divisions are divided Groups of three or four, with the winners advancing to the Knockout Round, where all the Premier teams will enter the event.  These two are second and third-tier teams, respectively.

RESULT:   Eki   1-4

  1. Punjab vs. Kamataka – India Santosh Trophy

This is a Knockout tournament for state and regional teams being played in Kolkata.  The top two teams from each Group of five in this opening stage will advance to the Semifinals.  These two are second and third in their Group.

RESULT:   Punjab   2-1

Image result for punjab helicopter Annie

 

Punjab kicked ass!

But could he have been portrayed with so many stereotypes today?

Can a turban really support that much weight?

  1. Britannia vs. Estrella – Aruba Division di Honor

This looks like it could become a two-horse title race, and Estrella lead the pack.  Third-place Britannia can’t move up with a win today, but it would put them just behind the top two in points.

RESULT:   2-2

  1. Cadiz vs. Huesca – Spain Segunda Division

Let’s finish the Track with a division two match one could actually find on TV in America, at least with comparative ease.

The top two finishers will automatically be promoted to La Liga.  The next four will have a playoff two determine one more to get moved up.  Huesca is tied for 1st, while Cadiz are just three points back in 4th place.  The hosts play a very more closed style, so if they control the pace, this may not be beIN Sports En Español’s most exciting match ever.  (3:00 PM).

RESULT:   1-1

Noob doesn’t know if this is a burn or a Spanish cartoon Viagra commercial.

Image result for Segunda Division meme

’10 to Track’ soccer matches Weekend Edition (3/24-25) – MLS, NWSL, USL – charge!

The big European leagues may have the weekend off, but not us!   American leagues are getting underway, and their matches dominate our ‘ten most important for the newish American fan to follow’ this weekend.

Saturday, 3/24

  1. FC Dallas vs. Portland Timbers – MLS

The team that started strong and then wiped out last year and missed the playoffs hosts the defending Western Conference champions.  On paper, the best of many league matches today.  (3:30 PM Eastern, Univision Deportes)

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for soccer on paper

 

 

Soccer paper dolls – print, color like your fave MLS teams

B.  North Carolina Courage vs. Portland Thorns – NWSL

Last year’s regular season #1 hosts the defending champions!  What a way for America’s top women’s league to kick off!  This is a nine-team league this year, as Kansas City and Orlando are both gone, but Utah Royals join up.  (3:30 PM, Lifetime network)

RESULT:   NC   1-0

Image result for letter B female

 

 

Goodness!   Female Number B is a crazy B

  1. Tulsa Roughnecks vs. Real Monarchs – USL

D-II!  Tulsa finished 7th in the Western Conference last year.  Real won the West, much to Noob’s chagrin.

No reigning royalty in Amuricuh!  Our forefathers did not fight the Revolution War in vain, they sought to free us from the rule footyball kings and queens.   (Noob majored in English, not History…).

RESULT:   Real   2-3     Real got the equalizing and winning goals in the last two minutes.

  1. Dumbarton vs. Inverness Caledonian Thistle – Scottish Challenge Cup

The Final!   This is not the FA Cup, just to avoid confusion.  This is a Knockout tournament that has featured teams from pretty much all the Scottish League except the Premiership.

These two are from the second-tier Championship league, are 8th and 9th in the table.  Inverness played Premier last season and should get the win in Perth today.  Dumbarton can’t score.

RESULT:   Inverness   0-1

Image result for dumbarton fc

 

 

If the soccer gets dull in Dumbarton, there’s always that view.

  1. Canadia vs. New Zealand – international friendly

This just sounds like the friendliest friendly of al to Noob for some reason.  These two are FIFA-ranked #90 and #120 in the world.

RESULT:   Canadia   1-0

Sunday, 3/25

  1. Houston Dash vs. Chicago Red Stars – NWSL

Chicago just snuck into the playoffs as the #4 team last season.  Houston finished 8th.  Houston is a The Management-reviled Swamp City, and we will root against them, as is good, right and appropriate.

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for houston flooded

 

Noob & Staff support smart urban planning.

  1. Las Vegas Lights vs. Reno 1868 – USL

Last year, Reno broke the league record for goals in a season with an astounding 75.

Las Vegas is one of the league’s expansion teams this year.  They have made Noob the sad.  Someday, there will be a professional sports franchise in Vegas with the only name one should carry – the Babies.

Testosterone-laden?  No.   But oh, so cool – “Vegas, baby, Vegas.”.   You have greater built-in name draw for targeting female fans.  And the merchandizing!  Sleek clothes for the gals.  Counter-intuitive stuff for the fellas.  And Noob loves to envision giant placards on sticks depicting the Gerber baby food baby at games.   Dare to dream…

RESULT:   1-1

  1. Alajuelense vs. Saprissa – Costa Rica Premier

Noob loves this league!   Might be the second best in CONCACAF.  Only four points separate 1st from 4th place as they had into the last five matches of the Clausura (second half-season).  Alajuense lead, while perennial powerhouse Saprissa are 3rd.

RESULT:   3-3      Drama!   Alajuense gets the equalizer at 90′.  But Herediano jumps over them to 1st place with their win today.

Image result for mango hedgehogs

 

 

Past Alajuelense nicknames have been “The Mangoes” and “The Hedgehogs”.

  1. Motagua vs. Olimpia – Honduras National League

They only have five matches each left in this league, too.  Motagua leads the Clausura while Olimpia are in 3rd.  This should be a low-scoring game, defense being the biggest strength of both clubs.

RESULT:   Olimpia   0-1

  1. Hassania Agadir vs. Ittihad Tanger – Morocco Botola Pro

Let’s finish off the weekend Track with a #B vs. #1!  Morocco’s is a strong league in Africa, sending two teams to the CAF Champions League.  These two are defensive juggernauts.  They’re biggest threat in the table will come from Raja Casablanca, who score like gangbusters.

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for raja casablanca

 

Raja Casablanca supporters are–

Wait, is that guy bottom-center a vampire??

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Globetrotting Friday

Most days,Noob find us the ten matches “worth tracking”.   Fridays, we jetset around the world, from familiar locales to the hinterlands.

Today, the world schedule is even lighter than usual.  We’re digging deep, geographically and in terms of which tiers of country’s leagues we’re seeing.  Enjoy the variety!

  1. Mexico vs. Iceland – international friendly

World Cup tuneup for national teams FIFA ranks as #17 and #18, respectively.  (10:00 PM Eastern, Univision)

RESULT:   Mexico   3-0

Image result for mexican soccer funny

 

 

Soccer + lucha libre = not working out

B.  Bala Town vs. Connah’s Quay – Welsh Premier

BT is just a point up on their guests (and one other team) for #B in the league and the automatic Europa League berth.  The next five teams in the table will have a playoff at regular season’s end to decide which other club goes to Europa.

Noobstradamus is calling this one for the CQ Nomads.  Bala Town actually have a negative goal differential.  Their inability to score like the other top league teams is going to start haunting them.

RESULT:   Connah’s Quay   0-1    CQ moves to #B

Image result for Noobstradamus

 

 

I’ve been scoring since well before Connah ever built a quay.

  1. Werder Bremen II vs. Paderborn – 3. Liga

Welcome back to the Track!  Last we visited Paderborn, they were playing Bundesliga behemoth Bayern Munich in the Quarterfinals of German’s FA.  That match didn’t go well for them, but it was an impressive run.  They’re winning the third-tier league this year, should be in 2. for 2018-19.

Werder Bremen’s reserve side is in second-to-last.  Noob’s not 100% sure they can be demoted to Regionaliga; they wouldn’t be eligible for promotion were they at the top of the table, by rule, as a reserve side.

RESULT:   Paderborn   0-2

  1. Rodez vs. Dunkerque – Championnat National

Rodez is tied for 1st in France’s third-tier league, in line to be promoted to Ligue 2.  Dunquerke sits midtable.   They would be 7th, at least within shouting distance of the league leaders, but were deducted three points for some sort of financial naughtiness.

RESULT:   0-0

Image result for naughty money

 

Now that’s financial naughtiness.

Ho ho ho.

  1. Portadown vs. Newry City – Northern Ireland Championship

This league has divided into Title and Relegation halves now.  These two are #5 and #2, playing for that title and promotion to Premier.   The champ will move up, and the next two will have a playoff to do the same.

Fun Fact:  Portadown’s local rival is the Premier’s Glenavon, their matches called the Mid-Ulster derby.

RESULT:   Portadown   2-1

  1. Maccabi Kiryat Ata vs. Hapoel Umm al-Fahm – Alef Liga

Israel’s third-tier league is divided into two 16-team divisions.  These two play in the North.  Kiryat Ata is on the edge of the Relegation Zone.  Al-Fahm are in 4th place.  Only the top team from each division will get automatically promoted, but the next four will have a Promotion Playoff.

Fun Fact:  Kiryat Ata is still also known by a formerly official name, “Kfar Ata”.

RESULT:   MKA   2-1

Image result for kiryat ata

 

 

Sweet modern architecture in Kiryat Ata, Haifa District, Israel.

  1. Kerala vs. Manipur – Santosh Trophy

This is India’s tournament featuring teams representing their state and regional associations.  The 10 teams are divided into two Groups of five.  The top two finishers will advance to the Semifinals.  Kerala won their only game so far, while Manipur are 0-1-1.

Fun Fact:  The tournament is named for its founder, from Santosh – Sir Manmatha Nath Roy Chowdhary.

RESULT:   Kerala   6-0

  1. Al-Nawair vs. Al Shorta – Syria Premier

7th hosts 5th place is Asia’s 16th-strongest league.  As such, they only get one AFC Champions League berth.  These two have some serious ground to make up.  There’s a big gap between the top three and the rest.

Fun Fact:  Last time Nawair made the Track, Noob displayed their crest and wondered if ferris wheels were featured.  Whoops.   Uncultured rube!  This is a depiction of Hama’s famous norias, watering wheels.

RESULT:     ppd

Al-Nawair SC logo.png

  1. Ann’s Grove vs. Western Tigers – Guyana GFF Elite League

Guyana is a country on the mainland of South America, yet they are not part of CONMEBOL, that continent’s soccer federation.  It’s culturally much more like a Caribbean country, and so is a CONCACAF member.  It’s early in their season.  Tigers are #B, Ann’s Grove 7th.

Fun Fact:  Ann’s Grove is a village said to be purchased by former African slaves.

RESULT:   Tigers   0-2

  1. Kidus Giorgis vs. Fasil Kenema – Ethiopia Premier

This is not one of Africa’s stronger leagues, but drama is everywhere!  They only get one CAF Champions League berth here.  KG is #B, FK #3.

Fun Fact:  Kidus Giorgis translates to “Saint George”, Noob thinks from Amharic.

RESULT:     ppd

Image result for think you're so smart

 

 

Not subtle.  Boing boing to you. 

Good DAY.

’10 to Track’ soccer matches Midweek edition – UEFA Champions League, ladies’ style

Romantic lady/ Single baby/ Mm, sophisticated mama /Come on you disco lady, yeah /Play with me tonight mama, yeah

Is Kool & The Gang the right way to intro a week headlined by UEFA Women’s Champions League?

Does a Catholic bear crap in the Pope’s woods?

*bonnnnggggg*

Tuesday, 3/20

Move along!   No interesting soccer matches to be seen today.

Wednesday, 3/21

  1. Montpelier vs. Chelsea Ladies – UEFA Women’s Champions League

Noob is particularly Noob when it comes to the women’s international game.  But I gather there are no underdogs left in this field.  This is the first leg of a Quarterfinal tie.

RESULT:   Chelsea   0-2

B.  Manchester City vs. Linkopings – UEFA Women’s Champions League

Linkopings are from Finland.

RESULT:   Man City   2-0

Image result for swedish letter BDan “the Intern-o Inferno” doesn’t differentiate between Laplandic Number B’s.

  1. Liechtenstein vs. Andorra – international friendly

For all the crazy-spelled club names Noob’s been learning, turns out I can’t spell “Liechtenstein” without looking at it.  I don’t want that first E there.  Thanks for making me feel bad about myself, European microstate.   You know, I visited you once.  Stopped and had ice cream on my way to Netherlands.

Andorra – I got nothin’ for ya’.  These two national teams are FIFA-ranked 181 and 130, respectively.

RESULT:   Andorra   0-1

Image result for liechtenstein meme

 

 

 

Gah!!

 

 

 

Thursday, 3/22

  1. Lyon vs. Barcelona – UEFA Women’s Champions League

OK, I can at least tell you Lyon are the two-time defending champs.

RESULT:   Lyon   2-1      Close enough to make the upcoming second leg in Barcelona really interesting

  1. Wolfsburg vs. Slavia Prague – UEFA Women’s Champions League

Noob’s last name means “wolf” in dialectical German from circa 1500.  I wonder if my forefathers are from Wolfsburg.  Probably not.  Wolf’s pretty common, even with an E.

RESULT:   Wolfsburg   5-0    Less drama here when they return to the Czech Republic

  1. Kyrgyzstan vs. Myanmar – Asian Cup qualification

The last Group Stage is underway as teams try and qualify for Asian Cup.  The winner of that whole shebang will get to represent the continental federation at the next Club World Cup.

These two are #B and #3 in their Group of four.  Top two finishers will make the Asian Cup.  FIFA ranks the teams #115 and #142 worldwide.

RESULT:   Kyrgyzstan   5-1

Image result for ashamed office employeeNoob hurt Dan “the Intern-o Inferno”‘s feeweeings at Number B.

Buck up, buttercup.

  1. Denmark vs. Panama – international friendly

These two continue to tune up for World Cup.  For the first time ever, three Laplandic countries have qualified, and Denmark are one.  Panama have qualified for the first time in their nation’s history.  FIFA ranks them #12 and #53.

RESULT:   Denmark   1-0

  1. China vs. Wales – international friendly

Wales is a curious case – their Premier League is near the bottom of Europa in strength, but their national team is ranked about 20th in the world.  FIFA ranked China’s #65.

RESULT:   Wales   0-6

Image result for censored middle finger

 

Dan “the Intern-o Inferno” is not a master of subtlety.

  1. Faroe Islands vs. Latvia – international friendly

If you play Scrabble or Words With Friends, you likely know the word OE.  Well, it’s a storm from the Faroe Islands.  Very specific.  Latvia – I’ve got nothin’ for ya’.  #’s 97 and 131.

RESULT:   1-1

  1. Malta vs. Luxembourg – international friendly

Despite the face that it might be easy for one to leave out the O, Noob has no issues spelling Luxembourg cheat-free.  See, Liechtenstein?  You could learn something from Luxembourg.

I don’t really know what. But something…

RESULT:   0-1   Luxembourg

Image result for hug it out funny

 

Noob will politely pass, Dan.

 

Hey, The Management, did we require psych evals as part of the intern apps?

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Relegation Monday! (3/19)

Schedules around the world get light on Mondays.  Instead of getting sad, we embrace the sadness to be found!   Let’s get to know some teams that are about to get unceremoniously kicked out of their current leagues.

  1. Bray Wanderers vs. Waterford – Irish Premier

This league is only six games into its season.  But Bray Wanderers haven’t won a game (and only even drawn one), so Noob doesn’t feel a bit bad about calling them Relegation fodder.  They’re only scoring a goal every other game on average, and giving up a staggering 3x as many.

Waterford won the second-tier First League of Ireland last season and are in 3rd place now.

Fun Fact:  Bray is a smallish resort town, just a dozen miles southeast of Dublin’s center.

RESULT:     ppd

Image result for bray ireland

B.  Slavia Sofia vs. Pirin Blagoevgrad – Bulgaria Pro League

With just a game to go in the regular season, both these clubs are already “qualified” for the Relegation Playoff.  But seeding counts.  Slavia Sofia would move from #B to #1 with a win today.  Blagoevgrad would jump several spots to #B with a win.

Fun Fact:  “The White Avalanche” that is Slavia Sofia are one of three teams from nation’s capital.  The other two are in the Championship division of the league, and probably laugh at them relentlessly.

RESULT:   2-2

Image result for laughing at you meme

 

Srsly?

We try to hold ourselves to a higher standard when allowed the #B list position.

  1. Sepsi vs. Voluntari – Romania Liga I

Romania’s league has divided into Championship and Relegation Playoff halves now.  Sepsi are in third-to-last, Voluntari in third in this grouping.

Fun Fact:  The Voluntari are quite displeased to be in the Relegation Playoff.  They assumed their position as head vampire family of the world would qualify them for the Championship grouping.

RESULT:   2-2

Image result for volturi fighting

 

 

It seems the vampire soccer Voltori blame Robert Pattinson.

 

 

The Management would like to apologize yet again for Noob’s unalterable belief that the Voltori of the Twilight literary and cinematic world are real, and play professional soccer to boot.  Rest assured, the other information therein contained is accurate.

You know, The Management, Dakota Fanning is gonna bite your head clean off.

Vampires don’t do that!

*snicker*

Dammit, Noob, you suckered me into this nonsense again.  Asshat.

  1. Leones vs. Independiente Medellin – Colombia Premier

Leones are in 13th here in the Apertura (first half-season).  But this league determines Relegation using three years of results, and Leones are second-to-last in that.  There, they are in second-to-last.  Medellin is in 3rd, primed for a road win.

Fun Fact:  Leones home city of Itagui is in the Aburra Valley.  Medellin is the biggest city in the region.

RESULT:   Indeoendiente   0-2

  1. Luqueño vs. Santani – Paraguay Premier

Santani were just promoted, and while it’s early, look like they will be sent right back down.  They’re in second-to-last on Relegation table.  Their hosts today are no powerhouse, but a road win will still be hard to come by.

Fun Fact:  Santani the town is named for a Polish priest, presumably Jesuit.

RESULT:   0-0

  1. Al Nasr vs. Misr Al-Maqasa – Egypt Premier

Al Nasr are buried in last place, nine points from being clear of Relegation.  The Second Division is all but a mathematical certainty for them now.  They’ll get a chance to save a tiny bit of face as they host below average Maqasa.

Fun Fact:   Nine of the teams in this league are from Cairo, including Al Nasr.  There isn’t a single one in the Second Division though.

RESULT:   Maqasa   0-1

Al Nasr SC Egypt.png

 

 

What a weird crest.   Is it a winged skull of a bovine, Al Nasr?

  1. Erzgebirge vs. Greuther Furth – 2. Bundesliga

Erzgebirge would almost climb out of the Relegation Zone in Germany’s second division with a win today.  Well, they will if they beat this team – one higher than them in the table – by 3+ goals.

Fun Fact:  Aue – home to Erzgebirge – is a town of just 18.000, the smallest to ever have a team playing this high in the German football league system.

RESULT:   Erzge   2-1      Still in the Relegation Zone, but now only down to GF on GD

  1. Carpi vs. Pro Vercelli – Serie B

A lot is at stake for both teams here.  PV is in third-to-last.  They’d have to climb three more spots to be completely clear of the Drop Zone, but even climbing one would do them good.  Then they would play in a Relegation Playout, have a chance to stay up.

Carpi are in 9th.  It sounds better when one knows 3rd through 8th place will play a mini-tournament at season’s end to decide a team that gets promoted to Italy’s top flight.

Fun Fact:  PV actually have seven national titles to their credit!  But they were all won between 1908 and 1922.

RESULT:   Carpi   2-0

Image result for stadio silvio piola

  1. Hapoel Bnei Lod vs. Maccabi Herzliya – Israeli Leumit League

The top half of this 16-team second-tier league will play Championship Playoffs, the other half dueling to not get demoted.

Bnei Lod are in 11th.  It would take a minor miracle for them to jump the necessary teams and climb no fewer than seven points in the table to get to play for the title.  Herzliya are in second-to-last, and there they will remain, nowhere close to climbing a notch or falling to last.

Fun Fact:  Herzliya, the town, is a hoity-toity town in the northern part of greater Tel Aviv.

RESULT:   Bnei Lod   3-1

  1. Huesca vs. Sporting Gijon – Spain Segunda B

Noob finishes off today’s Track with a game of hope and comparative happiness.  Neither club in danger of getting The Boot.  Quite the opposite.

The top two will be automatically promoted to La Liga, and Huesca are in 1st!  But two teams trail them by just three points.

Gijon was demoted last year, looking to get back to top flight.  3rd through 6th place will have a playoff for the third and final promotion at regular season’s end.  They’re unlikely to crack top two, but should be in that playoff.

Fun Fact:  Huesca is home to a bloody legend about a monk who cut off the heads of 12 disobedient nobles.

RESULT:   Gijon   0-2

Image result for bell of huesca

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Sunday (3/18) – All four of Europe’s top leagues repped

The ten most important matches for the newish American fan to follow.  It’s what Noob does.  I filter better than Brita.

  1. Dallas vs. Seattle Sounders – MLS

Dallas stumbled down the stretch last season and finished 7th in the Western Conference, just missing the playoffs.  Noob-reviled Seattle finished #B.  They did it with a top defense.  It’s a new season, sure, but Dallas needs to get on the board first, or it could be a long day.   (5:00 PM Eastern, NBA League Pass 6)

RESULT:   Dallas   3-0     And there was JOY

Image result for Seattle meme

 

 

 

Man, I really loathe you, Seattle!

B.  Wigan Athletic vs. Southampton – English FA Cup

Wigans’ defeat last round of Premier League titans Man City was the upset of the season worldwide.  The third-tier league side have to believe anything is possible now.  They get a comparatively manageable foe today.

Southampton are two leagues above Wigan and that should mean everything.  But will they even be putting all their energies into this tournament?   They’ve slipped into the Relegation Zone in Premier League, could not be blamed for saving starters for those matches.  (9:30 AM, FS2)

RESULT:   Southampton   0-2

Image result for letter B zany

 

 

 

Number B’s taking it all in stride.

  1. Bethlehem Steel vs. Richmond Kickers – USL

Last year’s #8 hosts #14.  But it’s the one American division two game today.  And…

RESULT:   Bethlehem   4-1

Image result for bethlehem steel zoolander

 

…the return of superfan Derek Zoolander!

  1. Marseille vs. Lyon – Ligue 1

This is Lyon’s last, best chance to make a move on a Champions League berth for next year.  The league has slipped in strength and now only gets three slots.  And Lyon is in 4th, by five points behind their hosts today.

RESULT:   Lyon   2-3     Lyon with the winner at 90′!

  1. RB Leipzig vs. Bayern Munich – Bundesliga

Maybe 6th-place Leipzig can hope the undisputed German champs will play a bunch of backups on the road today, rest up for their current Champions League run.   (1:00 PM, Univision Deportes)

RESULT:   Leipzig   2-1     They’re still in 6th, but now 4th and a C.L. berth is at least in sight.

  1. Villareal vs. Atletico Madrid – La Liga

It’s hard to imagine undefeated Barcelona suddenly going on a skid.  At eight points back, #B Atletico has to be hoping beyond hope for exactly that.

Villareal, meanwhile, are in a tight four-way race for three Europa League invites.  They’re probably the best of those four, but that doesn’t mean they can’t lose this game of Spanish musical chairs.   (1:30 PM, beIN Sports en Español).

RESULT:   Villareal  2-1      Winner at 90′ + 2!!

Image result for violent musical chairs

 

 

Musical Chairs – to the death!!

 

  1. Sampdoria vs. Inter Milan – Serie A

5th-place Inter Milan have played one less game than 4th-place Lazio, and trail them by just a point in the table.  That’s the last spot for a Champions League berth.

Noobstradamus prognosticates they will not play for a mere draw, even on the road against a tough 7th-place Sampdoria side trying to qualify for the next Europa League.  The hosts like to play a wide open game, and Inter would be better off trying to beat them at it than slowing things down.  2-3 is the score of the predestined shootout.   (7:30 AM, Rai Italia)

RESULT:   Inter Milan   0-5    Well, I had the number of goals and winner right.   Not a total bed-crapping.

Image result for Noobstradamus

 

 

 

barba fluente, niente pantaloni

  1. Saprissa vs. Herediano – Costa Rica Premier

Alajuense took over the Clausura (second half-season) lead with their win yesterday.  But Saprissa and Herediano are just one and two points back, respectively.  There are just a few games to go, so better believe the league leaders are hoping for a draw in this match.

RESULT:   1-1

  1. Apollon Limassol vs. APOEL Limassol – Cypriot First Division

Tied for 1st in Cyprus!  This league has already separated into its Championship and Relegation halves.  Apollon lead by virtue of greater head-to-head goal differential, but the odds of that mattering by the end seem low.

RESULT:   Apollon   4-2

  1. Cluj vs. FCSB – Romania Liga I

In Romania, too, they have divided into their league two halves now.

These two were just four points apart in the table when the regular season ended.  Before starting the Championship part of their season, the points they’ve all earned are halved (and then rounded up), so now these two are even closer.  #1 and league’s best defense hosts #B, league’s best offense.  Classic.

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for romania classic funny

 

Noob had not known TV classic Beverly Hillbillies  was remade for a Romanian audience.