Isle of Sodor team lands first sponsor – Championship club’s U10’s love them their Motorhead

Congrats to Isle of Sodor Championship’s Maithwaite FC!     They’re the first team to ever receive celebrity sponsorship or support.   Sort of.

Image result for busted whistle It’s actually their U10’s   — who’ve gone by “Wonky Whistles Youth FC” — that got the goods.   Their jerseys were pathetic, but their coach used some straaaaange inspiration to improve things for the little kickers.

See, Wonky Whistles coach Brile Nickels Jr. is a big Duran Duran fan.  And he recently learned the band was asked by newly re-formed Hungarian sixth-tier club Budapesti AK if they could use “My Own Way” as a theme song.  The band said yes, asked for some swag in return and were obliged!    Nickels was inspired to flip that script and try making use of his own familial rock ‘n’ roll connection to improve his kids’ kits.

Nickels’ uncle Keithley grew up with famed Motorhead roadie Steve Luna.  He invited Luna to vacation to Maithwaite, catch up, huff some glue and such.   Nickels knew the uniform shirts the kids’ moms designed were utter  crap, lamely depicting actual broken whistles, in addition to the a sponsoring local lab’s business logo (see above).   He had Luna see a match, and the old bass tech declared the shirts “absolute gobshite” and immediately set about paying for new ones.

So Luna got the kids these brand spanking new unis.

Image result for Lincolnshire Greenbank Motorhead soccer jerseys

Congrats again, Wonky Whistles.   Well, now it’s “Blind Drunks” and “Hell Drivers” to which the kids answer.  See, Luna gave them an official song, too.  “(We Are) The Road Crew”.   Lucky tots!

Another town another place,
Another girl, another face,
Another truce, another race,
I'm eating junk, feeling bad,
Another night, I'm going mad,
My woman's leaving, I feel sad,
But I just love the life I lead,
Another beer is what I need,
Another gig my ears bleed,
We are the road crew
Another town I've left behind,
Another drink completely blind,
Another hotel I can't find,
Another backstage pass for you,
Another tube of super glue,
Another border to get through,
I'm driving like a maniac,
Driving my way to hell and back,
Another room a case to pack,
We are the road crew
Another hotel we can burn,
Another screw, another turn,
Another Europe map to learn,
Another truck stop on the way,
Another game I learn to play,
Another word I learn to say,
Another bloody customs post,
Another fucking foreign coast,
Another set of scars to boast,
We are the road crew

 

Noob interview with Dryaw FC star striker Christopher Wilbertson. With wine. And authors. Weird again.

Wed., March 28, 2019 – Dryaw, Sodor –

Ah, Dryaw. Noob’s favorite place on the Isle. The village is a haven for writers and intellectuals, and cool as s**t people from Sodor and beyond. I’ve been lingering since last weekend’s Premier League feature match here.

Noob had just finished a meal at Joseph Tidy’s. I’d been dining with my usual suspect-friends – American author me Daniel Heck and 80’s TV Star (“The Fall Guy”), screenwriter and current vintner Doug Barr Image result for Doug Barr — as well as hard science fiction writer and PhD in astrophysics Alastair Reynolds  and his lovely wife Noordwijk. In stumbled a desperately forlorn Christopher Wilbertson – leading scorer and resident nutjob for IoS PL’s #1 Dryaw FC.

2002 Hollywood & Vine Cabernet Sauv 2480 What could be troubling him? Interview time. I excused myself from my dinner companions, swiping the last full bottle of Barr’s Hollywood and Vine Cellars 2002 vintage cab sav ‘2480’ off the table. Heck and Reynolds could argue whether the latter’s space-swashbuckly Revenger was high-end kids lit or straight sci-fi without Noob.

Image result for Alastair Reynolds holding Revenger(For the record, if the protagonist/s is/are young and the plot has no loops and any prominent adult characters are neutered of real power, it’s kid lit.  If no, than not.)

So I waved an already half-sluiced Wilbertson over to another table. He had a small smile for the only journo providing international coverage for Sudric soccer, but slumped upon sitting. Noob filled his glass and C-Dub went on the record:

Wilbertson: Kane may not be in it for the money, but I could surely use a windfall someday. Do you know what we get paid here? Do you even know what the currency of Sodor is?

Noob: Did I somehow miss half a conversation?

Image result for harry kane haley joel osmentWilbertson: Since I'm not as famous as that giant-headed Haley Joel Osment-looking diva, I even kept my dream more realistic than Kane's. I set my sights on the American Alliance of Football.

Noob: Riiiight. I can't believe Harry Kane says he wants to kick in the NFL someday.  [read the ESPN FC article]  Man-crush on Tom Brady has to be big in that equation. So, you were going to shoot for the upstart AAF, a developmental league.

Wilbertson: They're only weeks into their first season and already talking about folding. [Read the ESPN.com article]  Like they didn't know until now the NFLPA might be a little resistant to sending its younger players anywhere else. Pshaw.

Noob: Well, maybe the XFL will have better luck next year than they did in 2001.

Wilbertson: The whowha?

Noob: WWE's Vince McMahon started a league in 2001, was to be all wrestling-esque and fun. But it crapped out after a season.

Wilbertson: I could even play defense in a league like that! You've seen my signature goal-celebrating move.

Noob: The famous Klinsmann Dive you're always trying to recreate.

Wilbertson: Trying? Asshat.

Noob: We can still be friends.

Wilbertson: Just imagine the Dive, but now someone from the other team under me. I can kick and tackle in the fake-Wrestleball. Hope lives!

Noob: They prefer “fixed” to “fake”. And in this XFL incarnation, they're going to try to be a regular old developmental league.

Wilbertson: That sounds like it will be awful.

Noob: It will be.

Wilbertson: You are a bringer of ill news, Noob. Be gone.  Leave the vino.

And so I left Christopher Wilbertson openly weeping into his wine glass, so many other questions still rattling in my skull:

Would this affect his Premier League play going forward?  If so, could it cost Dryaw FC the title?  Did the XFL really plan on being boring as all get-out?  Could I get Doug Barr to put out a kick-ass syrah next growing sesason?  What’s Lee Majors doing now?  How will Noob end this oh-so-strange, meandering interview piece?

Image result for vince mcmahon confused gif

There’s one answered.

National holiday on Isle of Sodor (no weekend matches 3/16-17). But they beat an old man with sticks, that’s fun.

IImage result for Ides of March modern celebrationn recognition of March 15 as a national holiday on Sodor, no football matches in either of the Premier League or Championship were scheduled for this weekend.  Yes, the Ides of March are quite the spectacle here, thanks to the longstanding ancient Roman influence on the Isle.

It is also known as the Festival of Anna Perenna, and the related celebration is held in Vicarstown.    The Ides was once the first full moon of the Roman new year.  As a sort of a scapegoat ritual for the new year, the oldest man in Vicarstown is dressed in animal skins and and is beaten with reeds by everyone and chased across the Jubilee Bridge into Barrow, Cumbria, England.   He may not return until the next year’s Ides.

Image result for terrified old man

 

2018 Ides of March scapegoat Aemon Collymore

 

(That look is priceless.  He hadn’t heard 101 year-old John Culken passed away the night before.  The townies decided to surprise him mere minutes before releasing him in the town square for his beating, chase, and long vacation.)

 

Before you go feeling too badly for the fellow, he gets to rest and recuperate on Sudric taxpayers’ dime.   Traditionally – over the last 125 years, anyway – he convalesces at The Imperial Hotel.  Once rested, the geezer usually does “walkabout” of England or even greater Europe.

Image result for imperial hotel barrow in furness

Games resume next Saturday!

Isle of Sodor Championship Sunday, 3/10, match suffers a fan on the pitch. Sort of.

March 12, 2019, Cross-ny-Cuirn, Sodor

Image result for aston villa punchFootball fan-bozo Paul Mitchell has been sentenced to 14 weeks in jail.   He stormed the pitch at Aston Villa and socked visiting Birmingham City player Jack Grealish in the jaw during the match.  Here  is a link the BBC news article.

Things from elsewhere in the football world have a funny way of being reflected on the Isle of Sodor.    During the second-tier Champions League on Sunday, 3/10,  there was a pitch invasion as well.

Cross-ny-Cuirn FC fan Adrien Queripel made it onto the edge of the pitch early in the second half of the match against Cabalnoo AFC.   He remained there, undetected by players, managers and referees alike for nearly nine minutes.  This, despite the unadorned laptop.  Eventually, an errant kick knocked his turf-cap off and the jig was up.

Said Mr. Queripel, "I wasn't planning on coming onto the pitch.  That I was dressed as grass and chalk lines was a total coincidence, just a bit of fun in coming to the match."

"I'd brought my laptop to keep up-to-date on the Premier League Suddery-Dryaw match.   But wifi reception in the stands was dodgy.  Walking around halftime, it was clear the best signal was on the sideline."

Image result for grass costumeMr. Queripel has been banned from wearing the camo-pitch outfit at all FA-sponsored matches indefinitely.     He complained profusely about where else he could possibly wear it.   (Where  wouldn’t you wear something like that, this journo asks.)

In related news, a couple have been has been masquerading as a basketball hoop and referee at the local park.   Officials have been unable to confirm if this is Adrien and his wife.   Their get-ups are just too damn convincing to identify the culprits.

Image result for Basketball hoop costume

Isle of Sodor Premier League match to be made up Wed.; looking back at “The Coalyard Catastrophe”

Updated March 7

Image result for Junction FC crestJunction & Sheds took the weekday make-up match 5 – 10 in a classic Sudric shootout.

Neither team was or is in a position to challenge for the title, but this would seem to cement J&S in for a top-half finish.

Click  [Here]  to see the updated table, or navigate from the Pages under ‘More Noobishness’.

By tomorrow, shiny new feature match previews for the weekend shall be UP.

March 4, 2019 — Wellsworth, Sodor

PictureWednesday, Wellsworth FC will host Junction & Sheds in the first of two make-up matches between the clubs.

Wellsworth was to host the second of the two regular season meetings on Dec. 22.   That date is now famous on Sodor for “The Coaling Yard Catastrophe”.   Six train personnel directly involved with the train crash  and five passers-by struck were by coaling tower debris were all rushed to St. Tibba’s with life-threatening injuries.

Image result for coaling yard disaster




Mayoress Ysbal Clucas came under heavy scrutiny for cancelling the match. 


"Even though no one was pronounced dead at the scene, out of respect for the victims, I felt it best to cancel the match.  It's not like these clubs are in UEFA or anything."
Image result for winefride well waterVice President of the Wellsworth FC supporters group "The Ebbas" had this to say:  

"You get the victims to St. Tibba's - even if it should be Saint Ebba's.  The waters are a panacea.  The whole town was built because of them!  Doctors and magic water for the injured, football for the rest of us."

Hagiological argument and weird belief in a supernatural well aside, she’s now expected to defeat Clucas in the next mayoral election for her hardline stance.

Oh, and everyone survived.

Arlesburgh United target sacked Leicester FC coach Claude Puel

Arlesburgh, Isle of Sodor – February 26, 2019

Image result for Arlesburgh United crestBefore the rumor mill starts swirling over his next job possibilities, Isle of Sodor Premier League club Arlesburgh United are taking their shot at a big target – Claude Puel.

Image result for funny Claude Puel

“I’m a coaching target thihhhs bihhhg.”

Puel was sacked as manager on Feb. 24 by Leicester FC.   That same day, 96 year old Arlesburgh United coach Pete Mylchreest his retirement.  Coincidence?  (Almost certainly.  But what the hell.)

So how does a club from somewhere like Sodor go after a manager with a legitimate big league pedigree–  Lille, Lyon, Nice, Southampton, Sunderland, Leicester City…Arlesburgh?   You point out the pros and let the chips fall where they may.  With Noob’s help.

  • Claude, you’ve never been able to hang onto elite talent anywhere you’ve coached.  No problem in Arlesburgh!  The Pirates are in last here in the IoS PL’s inaugural season.  No talent to be found here, even by Sudric standards.  Image result for senior citizens soccer team
  • Arlesburgh are certainly getting demoted to the IoS Championship.   A year to get your feet under you in a new country should sound relaxing.
  • Then you get to be the hero probably getting the Promoted back to Premier!   Trust Noob.  Village teams like Cabalnoo and others that even devotees of “Thomas the Tank Engine” would be hard-pressed to find on a map won’t present a manager of your stature any problem.
  • You don’t like to give much to the press.  Noob’s the exclusive coverage guy here!   And I’ll leave you alone.   I’m more of a Sodor east coast kind of fellow.  Arlesburgh is too close to the Isle of Mann for me  The Manx smell awful and can’t be trusted.

Image result for suspicious looking old people

 

These Manx children have poisoned lips, I promise.   Manx children murder old ladies all the time.

  • Arlesburgh is the oldest settlement on the Isle.  The folk residing here run really old.   And the ones who aren’t old dress up as such for matches (supporters group is ‘The Ancients’).   At 57 years old, you’ll feel right at home, and they’ll likely find you a breath of fresh air.
  • Do you really want to get stuck in England’s Championship?  You’re not getting another Premier job right away, if ever.  Besides, the whole Brexit thing sounds nasty.
  • Would you really want to return to France?   Taking a non-PSG job in that farmer’s league is worse than England’s Championship.  Just say no. Image result for england vs france funny

 

 

But coach in Sodor.   You don’t want to wait up to a year and end up with the Philadelphia Union.   *shudders*

 

  • Think of this as semi-retirement.  Mostly retirement, less even “semi-“.  Everyone dies somewhere.
  • There’s a water wheel that’s cool to look at, and it’s bigger than “the world’s biggest” over in Laxey, Isle of Man, whatever they claim.   Again, you can’t trust those Manx louts.  Not ever.
  • The public transit is amazing, featuring state-of-the-art talking trains.  OK, no talking trains.  That’s the silly, fun tv show.  But it’s based on the real Isle, and the train system really is quite good.

When reached for a comment, Puel said through his representative: “Where?  That’s….unbelievable.”   So, um, you’re coming then?

Knapford Town FC’s teen midfielder discovers grandma might as well be on Craigslist

February 15, 2019 – Vicarstown, Sodor

Image result for Nicolo Zaniolo score Champions League PortoWith the Nicolo Zaniolo mom- Instagram story coming out, it would only be a matter of time before Gerry Barstok’s did.  We’re getting out ahead of it.” — Isle of Sodor FA President Abban Clague

AS Roma’s teen star Zaniolo just scored both UEFA Champions League goals in a 2-1 win over FC Porto.   But what should be a fabulous week has turned nightmarish as he’d had to confront his mother over her too-sexy Instagram posting.

[Click HERE for the full story from The Mirror (UK).]

Ahead of this week’s Yards-Sheds classic between Knapford Town and Junction & Sheds FC, young Gerry Barstok has it even worse.   It’s come to light that the “baddest grandma on the interwebs” is none other than Knapford Town midfielder Gerry’s own Nanna.

Image result for bad grandma instagram Image result for bad grandma instagram Image result for bad grandma instagram

 

 

 

More from FA Prez Clague:   “Poor Gerry.  This just…isn’t right.   The FA will reign down hellfire on Junction & Sheds FC if it’s discovered their people had anything do do with outing this wannabe-burlesque’s true identity.”

“The shame Gerry must be feeling over this harlot’s brazenness must be overwhelming.  We hope he will still be able to play, despite the weight of this strumpet’s embarrassment on his shoulders.  To Gerry – sorry your Nanna’s a streetwalker.”

When told of the President’s words – in front of all his teammates and coaches – Gerry replied, “What the actual f—?!”    One of Gerry’s teammates clapped a hand over his mouth before he made the situation of his grandmother being an AIDSy hussy even worse.

Related image

 

Gerry Barstok – hitting the field early for practice after a tough start to the day.

What a guy.  Your future’s bright!

Sodor Championship match postponed after cows let loose in support of Sardinian milk protest

Feburary 9 -Toryreck, Sodor

The Championship League match between Toryreck and Cabalnoo slated for Sunday, Feb. 10 has been postponed until Monday night (6:45 PM local time).

This rescheduling is, of course, contingent upon Farmer Skillicorn being willing to rustle up his rampaging dairy cows.  Again.

Skillicorn operates the biggest dairy on the Isle.  Whenever there’s a milk protest somewhere in the world, he shows solidarity by letting his massive herd of cows loose on the local village.  Players and fans alike stay indoors for safety, praying to whatever god they believe in.  So what was the catalyst this time?

Image result for angry dairy farmer

 

“I’m John Skillicorn, and I approve of this message of bovine terror.”

 

Over in Italy, Sardinian dairy farmers surrounded Cagliari FC’s training facility today.  Most players locked themselves inside.  The prevailing thought is the farmers just wanted Cagliari to show their support by boycotting their Sunday match with AC Milan.  Milk prices in Italy had plummeted in recent days.

[Click here for the “Sports Illustrated” coverage of the Serie A story.]

Two players participated in kicking over milk barrels.  The team’s flight to Milan was delayed, but that match will go on as scheduled tomorrow.

As for Toryreck vs. Cabalnoo — it’s on for Monday.  Image result for cows on soccer field

That’s provided Skillicorn doesn’t just move the cows over onto the local pitch.  Again.

 

Sodor Premier League news! Tidmouth City striker transferred after team tai chi brawl

January 31, 2019 – Tidmouth, Sodor

Image result for isle of man soccer playerStriker Cam Baker is out at Tidmouth City, has been transferred to a Turkish second division club.

Sodor isn’t oft a place of shenanigans or worse, yet the ouster mirrors a strangely similar sequence of events this month from the English Premier League.

In December, Fulham F.C. striker Aboubakar Kamara had a run in with teammate Alexsanar Mitrovic Image result for aboubakar kamara angryover who was to take a penalty kick. In January, Kamara scuffled with a security guard trying to storm the main offices and argue over the fine that ensued. Then most recently, he got into fisticuffs with the same teammate at a team yoga session. He felt Mitrovic had been rude to the instructor.   (Read the Football365 article)

City’s Baker has also been a handful. He argued nastily with fellow striker Alex Mitre around Christmastime over a “Secret Santa” gift that that might not have met the minimum-spending agreement. While the club did not fine Baker, the fracture only deepened between the two players.

Image result for cheap secret santa gift

 

 

Baker wasn’t wrong.   That’s just a terrible gift job on Mitre’s part.

 

 

Things came to a full head this week at a regular team tai chi session. Baker instigated full-on fisticuffs with Mitre. In fact, it took two players and a passer-by Zumba instructor to pull Baker off of him. The cause? Mitre made an admiring comment to the instructor about her “downward dog” style, wImage result for sexy downward doghich Baker felt crossed a clear line of couth (and for which he has been suspended two matches).

Right or wrong regarding Baker’s chivalry, Manager Claud Rainn traded him quickly. Baker will finish the 2018-19 campaign as a kit launderer for women’s club Ilkadim Belediyespor  of Turkey’s Kadinlar 2. Liga .   In return, Tidmouth City will receive an autographed photo of Ilkadim midfielder Khatia Tchkonia.

KhatiaTchkonia02.JPG

 

 

 

(Not to be uncouth myself, but Noob thinks Tidmouth City easily got the better of this trade.)

Sodor Premier League news! Tim Howard who? 80-year old Sudric goalie announces retirement

January 30, 2019 – Arlesburgh, Sodor

Colin Lee, -80- year old goalie for Arlesburgh United Pirates Image result for soccer crest piratesof the Isle of Sodor Premier League has announced his retirement from competitive play.  When asked what he thought of the MLS Colorado Rapids‘ 39 year-old Tim Howard‘s hanging them up after the 2019 season, Mr. Lee gruffly said, “Blargh.  I have bunions older than that quitter.

This 2011 Daily Mail article details his full English career; click here)

In 2012, Mr. Lee Veteran: Colin Lee, 72, started playing football when he was just six years old and has now been regularly partaking in the beautiful game for an incredible 66 yearswas sacked as secretary for eight Northampton, England area teams and as keeper for his Sunday League squad.   His former Air Force Veterans’ teammate, 56 year-old Ollie Hight had this to say:

 

The guy was 72.   He did a lot of good, but it was time for him to bugger off, make room for up-and-comers like me.

Colin Lee then retired across the Walney Channel to Arlesburgh, in the northwest of Sodor.  Image result for Arlesburgh Sodor mapAs the oldest established town on the Isle, he found it suited him well.   Here, he continued his 50-plus year career as a goalie, only occasionally reverting to his youth position of centre half.

But Arlesburgh United find themselves in last place in this, the inaugural IoSPL season.   With Lee in a platoon at goalkeeper, the team has given up nearly seven goals per match, a staggering number even by loose-defense Sodor standards.

If the other team kicks it right at me, I’ve got a shot.   But they’ve figured out my weaknesses after having faced each club once on the year — I have trouble covering wide.  And high.  And low.   I can actually get low sometimes, but then I can’t get back up and they sub me out.

I hope Tim HowardImage result for Tim Howard retirement finds broadcasting dull and decides to replace me here.   Perhaps he can get the team promoted to Premier again next year.  Because we’re sure as shit getting sent down this season.”