Isle of Sodor Premier – matchday 27 (Sat., 2/23) Feature Game: A new Derby!

Saturday, 2/23
T15  Brendam Utd.        vs.       #14  Brendam Harbor
#13   Marron                    vs.         #3  Kirk Ronan
#19  Tidmouth City      vs.         #5  Crovan’s Gate
T11   Castle Rolf              vs.       #10  Suddery
T8    Junction & Sheds vs.        #15  Lakeside

Saturday Feature Match:  The Brendam Derby

Image result for derby hat funnyGet out your best derby hats!

These are historically two of the best teams in the country.   One might’ve hoped that at least one of the two would make a move up the table in the season’s second half.  Instead, Harbor and United are mired in 14th and 15th place.   Still, it’s the first ever Premier League Brendam Derby!

And since this isn’t England, they even pronounce “derby” right.  FA President Abban Clague:   “We couldn’t think of any other words right off  where an ‘e’ was pronounced with an ‘ahhh’ sound.  We’re not doing it.  Silly English tw**s.”

Image result for BHFC crestBrendam Harbor surprised no one in winning the inaugural Isle of Sodor FA Cup last summer.  Yet they’re perhaps the least-liked team on the Isle, as their success generally comes via hard-nosed, aggressive defense.  Such is  considered uncouth at best on Sodor.   Here in the first PL season, they’re giving up goals like most other clubs, but not scoring more themselves.

Some observers have told Noob they’re having an identity crisis.  They’re trying to play “nicer” and not continue to be painted as the “bad boys” of Sudric football as the League hopefully gains international exposure here starting out.

Image result for Boleyn fc crestBrendam United, meanwhile, didn’t make it out of the Group Stage in the summer’s Cup.  They’re problem has been simple – they can’t score.  And if you can’t score on Sodor, you’re losing a lot.  Because almost everyone else is.

Neither team as earned a win in February.  Still, neither is in much seeming danger of being Relegated.   That said, if 18th-place Ulfstead can make a run, the Brendams would be two of five additional teams in the mix to get sent down to the Championship.

Match Prediction:  Cool, dry weather should make for pitch today that invites both sides to play with some real pace.  United are the designated home team, but since they share a pitch, no advantage there.  The Harbormen have show some occasional flashes of their big offense potential.

Noob calls it:     Brendam Harbor  5-7

Image result for Noobstradamus

 

Oh, so now that the site’s format is IoS PL and some lampooned new stories, you think you can just predict matches without me?

Noobstradamus will see you rue the day.   You’ll be a … day-ruer?   OK, that was weak.

Isle of Sodor Premier League – Matchday 27 results, table

Matchday 26 recap time!    Key matches are listed in bold.

The weekend’s featured match was the Yards-Sheds Classic in Knapford, home of both clubs.   And not to toot Noob’s own horn, but this went exactly as predicted in the preview posted a couple days back.   Junction & Sheds Image result for Junction FC crest  worry about little else but scoring.   High octane O or a semblance of D, Knapford Town tend to win big but lose close.  9-8 for “home” J&S (both clubs play on the same grounds)

In truth, two matches Saturday were at least as meaningful for the top of the table.   Kirk Ronan (#3) vs. Peel Godred (#4) finished in a 1-1 draw.  With three title challengers dropping points points, #1 Dryaw missed a   monster chance to put themselves truly in the driver’s seat.  But  they, too, dropped points, only mustering a 2-2 draw with #3 Crovan’s Gate.

Image result for soccer monster

 

 

(NOT the soccer-monster-chance idea Noob meant.  Still, nice work I guess, new IoS FA website helpers.)

 

 

All is clarified in the updated table below the weekend’s full slate of results.   The 2018-19 IoS PL table expanded Page will be updated tomorrow as well.

Sat., 2/16
#17  Ffarquhar               3        3        T16   Brendam Utd.
T12  Castle Rolf              0       2        #7     Wellsworth
#3    Kirk Ronan             1        1        #4     Peel Godred
T8    Glennock                 1        1        #6     E.C.D.
#19  Arlesburgh Utd.    1        5       #18   Ulfstead

Sun., 2/17
T8  Junction & Sheds    9        8       #2     Knapford Town
#5  Crovan’s Gate          2        2        #1      Dryaw
#14  Lakeside                   0        1        #10    Suddery
T12  Vicarstown              6        8       T16     Marron
#20  Tidmouth City      6        2       #13      Brendam Harbor

  new   W D L PTS  
1 1 Dryaw 19 5 2 62 League Champions
2 2 Knapford Town 18 4 4 57
3 3 Kirk Ronan 17 5 4 56
4 4 Peel Godred 17 4 5 55
5 5 Crovan’s Gate 15 7 4 52
6 6 East Coast Diesel 13 7 6 46
7 7 Wellsworth 13 3 8 42
T8 8 Junction & Sheds 12 4 8 40
T8 9 Glennock 11 5 10 38
10 10 Suddery 10 6 10 36
T11 T11 Castle Rolf 8 7 11 31
T11 T11 Vicarstown 7 10 9 31
T15 13 Marron 8 4 14 28
13 14 Brendam Harbor 7 6 13 27
14 T15 Lakeside 7 5 14 26
T15 T15 Brendam United 7 5 14 26
17 17 Ffarquhar 6 5 15 23
18 18 Ulfstead 5 4 17 19 Relegated to Sodor Championship
20 19 Tidmouth City 4 3 19 15
19 20 Arlesburgh United 4 1 21 13

 

Knapford Town FC’s teen midfielder discovers grandma might as well be on Craigslist

February 15, 2019 – Vicarstown, Sodor

Image result for Nicolo Zaniolo score Champions League PortoWith the Nicolo Zaniolo mom- Instagram story coming out, it would only be a matter of time before Gerry Barstok’s did.  We’re getting out ahead of it.” — Isle of Sodor FA President Abban Clague

AS Roma’s teen star Zaniolo just scored both UEFA Champions League goals in a 2-1 win over FC Porto.   But what should be a fabulous week has turned nightmarish as he’d had to confront his mother over her too-sexy Instagram posting.

[Click HERE for the full story from The Mirror (UK).]

Ahead of this week’s Yards-Sheds classic between Knapford Town and Junction & Sheds FC, young Gerry Barstok has it even worse.   It’s come to light that the “baddest grandma on the interwebs” is none other than Knapford Town midfielder Gerry’s own Nanna.

Image result for bad grandma instagram Image result for bad grandma instagram Image result for bad grandma instagram

 

 

 

More from FA Prez Clague:   “Poor Gerry.  This just…isn’t right.   The FA will reign down hellfire on Junction & Sheds FC if it’s discovered their people had anything do do with outing this wannabe-burlesque’s true identity.”

“The shame Gerry must be feeling over this harlot’s brazenness must be overwhelming.  We hope he will still be able to play, despite the weight of this strumpet’s embarrassment on his shoulders.  To Gerry – sorry your Nanna’s a streetwalker.”

When told of the President’s words – in front of all his teammates and coaches – Gerry replied, “What the actual f—?!”    One of Gerry’s teammates clapped a hand over his mouth before he made the situation of his grandmother being an AIDSy hussy even worse.

Related image

 

Gerry Barstok – hitting the field early for practice after a tough start to the day.

What a guy.  Your future’s bright!

Isle of Sodor Premier League – Featured game for matchday 26 – A “Clasico” of their own

“El Clasico” is known to every football fan in the world.   Here on Sodor,  Image result for Sodor map there are big rivalries as well, and they tend to be intracity.   Welcome to Knapford, where things will get nasty on Sunday (2/15). (Well, as nasty as things get on Isle.  Might see a slide tackle or two attempted!   Remember:  hard defense is considered here to be more than uncouth.)

For this year, they’ve settled on calling this the Yards-Sheds Classic.    Junction & Sheds have never been known as anything but.  Knapford Town changed from Knapford Yards FC when the FA came into being a year ago, wanting to differentiate themselves from the more purely blue-collar branding of J&S.

Knapford Town have had the better of things in league this season, just moved into 2nd place, five behind surprising league leaders Dryaw FCJunction & Sheds are in a tie for 8th.  Getting more than a couple positions higher will be hard for them, as the top few have some space in the table between them and the pack now.

How do the teams play?   Their League campaigns have pretty much reflected their FA Cup runs from this summer.

Image result for KTFC crestDuring the inaugural FA Cup of summer 2018, Knapford Town tended to win but lose close.  They made the Round of 16 before falling in the penalty shootout to E.C.D. (East Coast Diesel) of Vicarstown.

Junction & Sheds (#1 supporter Alexi Lalas) advanced just as far.  They suffered the same fate in losing to eventual champion Brendam Harbor, going down at the shootout.    They scored tied for second in Group Stage scoring at 17 goals over the three matches, with just tiny shocker Cabalnoo getting more (18).

Image result for Junction FC crestWin lose or draw, J&S work hard to score and that’s about it.   (They   conceded 14 in that Group Stage.   No team plays the classic Sudric 5-5-good luck back there! formation quite as religiously as Sheds.

 

Their first meeting this year ended in a 5-5 draw.  Rumor has it that J&S will pull the goalie at select times and play a 6-5-void formation.   When it comes to offensive-mindedness, good luck outdoing the Sudrics generally.  KTFC can keep up with a lot of teams in a game like that, but probably not against J&S and they know it.  They’ll look to play things comparatively closer to the vest most of the match, then try running wild if it’s tied or close late.

Noob interview with English Premier League referee (and A+ dancing fool) Mike Dean

English Premier League Mike Dean is quite likely the most flamboyant referee in the history of soccer.   In Manchester City’s 6-0 defeat of Chelsea this weekend, Dean’s usual flair was again on display.    In addition to his strange positions and dramatic gestures, he even stuffed the  game ball under his shirt to hide it from Sergio Aguero (who’d had a hat trick).

Between fixtures, Dean often heads to Barrow and then across the Walney Channel to Vicarstown, Sodor!  Noob’s picking up on all manner of fun things now that I’m living on the Isle more or less full-time.  I caught up with Mr. Dean at local drinking house “The Furnace” for a rare interview…that didn’t go where Noob thought it would.

(And here’s the dreamteamfc article if you need confirmation about the reveal shortly.)

Noob:   Mike, thanks for the sit-down!

Mike DeanYou challenged me to try the sparkling rhubarb vermouth.  What was I supposed to say, no?   I'm Mike flippin' Dean.  

Noob:  I am Noob!

Mike Dean:  Splendid.

Noob:  Interview?

Mike Dean:   Balls.   What the heck. 

Noob:   Let's talk sportsball.

Mike Dean:   Bloody hell.   It's a weird vermouth, not that nice South African malbec on yonder shelf.   Let's talk dancing.

Noob Well, I'm not as light on my feet as I once was, but --

Mike Dean:  Shut the cuss up.  Did you know I was a ballroom dancing champion?

Noob:  You shut the cuss up!

 

Mike Dean:   They've talked to me about being on Strictly Come Dancing.  I'm big enough in England, certainly.  But they only do Latin and ballroom on that show. I want to show my range. 

Noob:   What, you want to replace Jodie Whittaker as the Doctor? 

Mike Dean:   You're an odd chap.  No. I want to be on Dancing With the Stars. So many more styles get featured!  Jitterbug.  Disco.  And if you think I can't Lindy Hop , I'll punch you in the face. 

Noob:  I didn't say you couldn't. 

Mike Dean:  Smart lad.    Smarter than those clowns at your ABC.  They won't even return my calls. 

Noob:   I call shenanigans. 

Mike Dean:    Alexis Ren.   Bobby Bones.   Pshaw.   Know who the biggest "star" they got was?   John.  Effing.  Schneider.  Image result for John Schneider Dancing with the Stars funny  If you don't think I can't outdance Bo Duke, I'll...I'll... *sputters* 

Noob:   Punch Noob in the face? 

Mike Dean:   This vermouth isn't bad.   Who's Noob? 

Noob:  I am Noob! 

Mike Dean:  Splendid.  Say, you're media here, of a sort.  Don't suppose you know if Sodor has a dancing competition show. 

Noob:   Don't think so.  But they're having a Grease-themed sock hop dance-off at the high school reunion nearby tonight.

Aaaaand that’s when Mike Dean punched me in the face, signaling the end of the interview.  And you know what?  Good on him.   That sock hop was beneath him.

Join Noob next time as I try to get MLS Referee of the Year Alan Kelley mad  enough to puncture my spleen by showing him my Dundalk jersey and telling him his former team Cork City of stinks.

(If you enjoyed this interview, may I humbly recommend the offerings on my  D2 Interviews Page.  And Noob is available to write all manner of craziness for your soccer site, or for other sports or any topic at all!)

Isle of Sodor Premier League matchday 25 results, updated table

The three key results are listed in bold.

Surprising Dryaw FC increase their lead to four in the table.   But who’s closest to the leaders now — there’s been a change at #2!

The updated table follows below the Results, and now includes the clubs’ table positions from the weekend prior.   Hey, it’s the first year ever for IoS FA to exist!   The website improvements come slowly but surely.

2/9

#6 East Coast Diesel  4     8     #1 Dryaw
#3 Knapford Town     9     4     #2 Kirk Ronan
#5 Crovan’s Gate         2      2     #13 Brendam Harbor
#7 Junction & Sheds   1      4     T10 Suddery
#15 Brendam United  1      6    #9 Glennock

2/10

#17  Ffarquhar             6      4    #19 Arlesburgh United
#4 Peel Godred            5      5    #14 Lakeside
#8 Wellsworth             8      5    #20 Tidmouth City
T10 Castle Rolf             1       1     T10 Vicarstown
#16 Marron                  14      7    #18 Ulfstead

1 1 Dryaw 19 4 2 61 League Champions
3 2 Knapford Town 18 4 3 57
2 3 Kirk Ronan 17 4 4 55
4 4 Peel Godred 17 3 5 54
5 5 Crovan’s Gate 15 6 4 51
6 6 East Coast Diesel 13 6 6 45
8 7 Wellsworth 12 3 8 39
7 T8 Junction & Sheds 11 4 8 37
9 T8 Glennock 11 4 10 37
T10 10 Suddery 9 6 10 33
T10 T12 Castle Rolf 8 7 10 31
T10 T12 Vicarstown 7 10 8 31
13 13 Brendam Harbor 7 6 12 27
T14 14 Lakeside 7 5 13 26
T14 T16 Brendam United 7 4 14 25
16 T16 Marron 7 4 14 25
17 17 Ffarquhar 6 4 15 22
18 18 Ulfstead 4 4 17 16 Relegated to Sodor Championship
19 19 Arlesburgh United 4 1 20 13
20 20 Tidmouth City 3 3 19 12

Sodor Championship match postponed after cows let loose in support of Sardinian milk protest

Feburary 9 -Toryreck, Sodor

The Championship League match between Toryreck and Cabalnoo slated for Sunday, Feb. 10 has been postponed until Monday night (6:45 PM local time).

This rescheduling is, of course, contingent upon Farmer Skillicorn being willing to rustle up his rampaging dairy cows.  Again.

Skillicorn operates the biggest dairy on the Isle.  Whenever there’s a milk protest somewhere in the world, he shows solidarity by letting his massive herd of cows loose on the local village.  Players and fans alike stay indoors for safety, praying to whatever god they believe in.  So what was the catalyst this time?

Image result for angry dairy farmer

 

“I’m John Skillicorn, and I approve of this message of bovine terror.”

 

Over in Italy, Sardinian dairy farmers surrounded Cagliari FC’s training facility today.  Most players locked themselves inside.  The prevailing thought is the farmers just wanted Cagliari to show their support by boycotting their Sunday match with AC Milan.  Milk prices in Italy had plummeted in recent days.

[Click here for the “Sports Illustrated” coverage of the Serie A story.]

Two players participated in kicking over milk barrels.  The team’s flight to Milan was delayed, but that match will go on as scheduled tomorrow.

As for Toryreck vs. Cabalnoo — it’s on for Monday.  Image result for cows on soccer field

That’s provided Skillicorn doesn’t just move the cows over onto the local pitch.  Again.

 

Isle of Sodor Premier League matchday 24 results, updated table

The three key results from last weekend’s fixtures are in bold.    

#1 vs #2 was a rout in favor of the league leaders.   They lead by just three, but the contenders have changed.   How far did former #2 Peel Godred fall?  Did either of the Relegation candidates’ upsets move them above the cutline?   Scroll down past the results for the updated table.

2/2 #3 Kirk Ronan 9 5 #T7 Wellsworth
#T13 Brendam Harbor 10 10 #T7 Junction & Sheds
#9 Glennock 4 8 #20 Arlesburgh Utd.
#11 Vicarstown 5 5 #19 Tidmouth City
#18 Ulfstead 8 3 #T13 Brendam Utd.
2/3 #16 Marron 2 7 #4 Knapford Town
#5 Crovan’s Gate 6 8 #6 E.C.D.
#12 Suddery 6 3 #10 Castle Rolf
#T13 Lakeside 5 7 #17 Ffarquhar
#1 Dryaw FC 13 3 #2 Peel Godred
  W D L PTS  
1 Dryaw 18 4 2 58 League Champions
2 Kirk Ronan 17 4 3 55
3 Knapford Town 17 4 3 54
4 Peel Godred 17 2 5 53
5 Crovan’s Gate 15 5 4 50
6 East Coast Diesel 13 6 5 45
7 Junction & Sheds 11 4 7 37
8 Wellsworth 11 3 8 36
9 Glennock 10 4 10 34
10 Castle Rolf 8 6 10 30
10 Suddery 8 6 10 30
10 Vicarstown 7 9 8 30
13 Brendam Harbor 7 5 12 26
14 Lakeside 7 4 13 25
14 Brendam United 7 4 13 25
16 Marron 6 4 14 22
17 Ffarquhar 5 4 15 19
18 Ulfstead 4 4 16 16 Relegated to Sodor Championship
19 Arlesburgh United 4 1 19 13
20 Tidmouth City 3 3 18 12

Isle of Sodor Premier League – Matchday 24 – Feature: #1 Dryaw FC vs #2 Peel Godred

The New England Cheatriots won Superb Owl LIII 13-3 Sunday. Boring.  Image result for cheatriots

Isle of Sodor Premier League had it’s own #1-2 matchup Sunday, with host Dryaw FC routing Peel Godred by that same score. No snoozefest on this pitch! The “Reverends” of Dryaw take a far more decisive lead of five points in the table now.

[Check back for a new post Wed. or Thurs. for updated table and all the weekend’s results!]

A dampish pitch did nothing to slow offense today. Little does on Sodor, of course, as hard defense is considered uncouth and things like slide tackles practically forbidden as an unwritten rule. Striker Bill Butzkopfski Image result for fat soccer player in red (left) found the back of the net early and often, tallying five scores before being subbed out in the 70′. Al Britt assisted on a pair of those and two other scores from his midfield position.

For Peel, Glen Onchan nabbed a goal and an assist from the right wing. Goalkeeper Ray Harmer had a much tougher day, coming off his line too early and too often, committing two own-goals.

A MOMENT OF SILENCE

— was held  just before kickoff in all matches on Sodor.

The English Premier match between Everton and Wolves the day before featured a black cat running around the pitch – uncatchable, free (courtesy of S.I.) – in the second half.

A chapter of brief but terrible Sudric history ended just 20 years ago.   Everyone was reminded of the horrible experiments run in a dark corner of the Isle:   Live cats forced to play indoor soccer with AI robot soccer cats.   Not sound so terrible as to warrant moment of silence?  Here’s the excruciating footage.   Viewer advisory.

 

 

Sodor Premier League news! Tidmouth City striker transferred after team tai chi brawl

January 31, 2019 – Tidmouth, Sodor

Image result for isle of man soccer playerStriker Cam Baker is out at Tidmouth City, has been transferred to a Turkish second division club.

Sodor isn’t oft a place of shenanigans or worse, yet the ouster mirrors a strangely similar sequence of events this month from the English Premier League.

In December, Fulham F.C. striker Aboubakar Kamara had a run in with teammate Alexsanar Mitrovic Image result for aboubakar kamara angryover who was to take a penalty kick. In January, Kamara scuffled with a security guard trying to storm the main offices and argue over the fine that ensued. Then most recently, he got into fisticuffs with the same teammate at a team yoga session. He felt Mitrovic had been rude to the instructor.   (Read the Football365 article)

City’s Baker has also been a handful. He argued nastily with fellow striker Alex Mitre around Christmastime over a “Secret Santa” gift that that might not have met the minimum-spending agreement. While the club did not fine Baker, the fracture only deepened between the two players.

Image result for cheap secret santa gift

 

 

Baker wasn’t wrong.   That’s just a terrible gift job on Mitre’s part.

 

 

Things came to a full head this week at a regular team tai chi session. Baker instigated full-on fisticuffs with Mitre. In fact, it took two players and a passer-by Zumba instructor to pull Baker off of him. The cause? Mitre made an admiring comment to the instructor about her “downward dog” style, wImage result for sexy downward doghich Baker felt crossed a clear line of couth (and for which he has been suspended two matches).

Right or wrong regarding Baker’s chivalry, Manager Claud Rainn traded him quickly. Baker will finish the 2018-19 campaign as a kit launderer for women’s club Ilkadim Belediyespor  of Turkey’s Kadinlar 2. Liga .   In return, Tidmouth City will receive an autographed photo of Ilkadim midfielder Khatia Tchkonia.

KhatiaTchkonia02.JPG

 

 

 

(Not to be uncouth myself, but Noob thinks Tidmouth City easily got the better of this trade.)