’10 to Track’ Saturday (11/10) soccer matches – Champions Leagues, give us more!

The ten most important matches to follow for us – the newish American fans of the global game.

Quirkly little slogan for the Track, the backbone feature of this project.  What does it mean, what is Noob?

The goal is to give starter-level preview several times a week on the most important matches for newer fans to follow.   Nothing taxing, yet informative on what’s going on in America, North America, England and beyond.  Local first, never local only.

And it’s all done with hopefully enough weirdness to bring something to even more seasoned fans.  The Quest for Number B.  Sandwich Reviewoobs.  Scorning “real” named teams that aren’t deserving.  Isle of Sodor Premier League coverage.  Hopefully soon a Stolen Mailbag feature soon.

Saturdays are a little less weirdness, a little more footyball.  Dig in!

  1. Boca Juniors vs. River Plate – Copa Libertadores

South America’s Champions League has reached its Final!   This is the first match of the two-legged, home and away tie.  Not that either will be travelling far.  Both are based in Buenos Aires.

This is one of the fiercest rivalries in sports anywhere in the world.  The fact that the teams are only in 8th and 10th, respectively, in the Argentine Premier so far means nothing here and now.  These are two historical powers in the country and on the continent.

They’re only about ten matches into the league season.  River Plate will climb.  The offense might not be quite everything it could be, but the defense is #1 in the league.  Juniors have gone the other way so far – top four-offense, struggling on D.

Two quick Fun Facts about this matchup.  A year ago, it couldn’t have even happened as a Final.  Previously, if two teams from the same country reached the Semis, they had to face one another.  The goal was to try and ensure the Finals were a multi-nation affair, help the ratings.  That rule was just removed.

Also, both teams were formed in Boca, the same barrio of Buenos Aires.  River Plate are now based in Belgrano, a northern barrio.   (3:00 PM EST, Fox Deportes)

RESULT:     suspended due to rain; now slated for 2:00 PM EST tomorrow on Deportes

B.  Persepolis vs. Kashima Antlers – AFC Champions League Final

Another Final!   And this time, the trophy’s being handed out.  Japan’s 2016-17 J1 League runners-up Kashima won the first leg 0-2.

Today, they try and finish things off against the defending Iranian domestic league champions.  By Elo rating, Kashima is the better team.  But the difference is small enough that Persepolis should be considered the favorite at home.   But by two goals?  Not likely.

RESULT:   0-0      Kudos to the champs!  Kashima takes the title

  1. Crystal Palace vs. Tottenham Sir Topham Hatt Hotspur – English Premier League

Three clubs remain undefeated in England.  Hotspur is not one of them, but rather right behind them in 4th.   If they can maintain a position at least that high in the table, they’ll qualify for next year’s Champions League.   Palace are down in 14th.

They’re on a three-match win streak across all competitions, but haven’t kept a clean sheet in five.  That’s rather the opposite of their league season to date.   The defense has been quite solid, but the offense isn’t what the truer title contenders have shown.

Tenured Noobites know how Noob feels about Hotspur.  The club is named for historical multi-king traitor Harry Percy.  Rather than spew my usual bile and vitriol over this fact, I’ll use this as an opportunity to preview a hopefully-upcoming feature.  Noob is working on an interview with Will Rivard, creator of website Tottenham Hotspur World (Twitter: @WorldHotspur).

I hope it will be a chance at a slightly deeper dive than Noob gives for individual clubs, the sort of site to which newer fans graduate from Noob.  Perhaps a little club history, news on the current state of the team and where it’s headed, maybe even an explanation on why it’s named for such a cretinous yahoo as Harry “Hotspur” Percy.

Whoops.  I said no bile and vitriol.  Just look for it soon, Noobites.   It should be a treat.

RESULT:   Hotspur   1-0

Image result for sir topham hatt

 

 

Wow, Sir Topham Hatt looks something other than cross for once!

  1. Tigres UANL vs. Puebla – Liga MX

Two matches left for these two in the Apertura (first half-season).  The top half of the league (eight clubs) will qualify for the Liguilla (postseason tournament).

Puebla are in 11th place.  They’re just three points behind 8th-place Pachuca.  Still, they likely need to win both they’re remaining matches to leapfrog the necessary clubs and climb three steps in the table.  Trouble is, they’ve allowed 2+ goals in seven consecutive matches.  They’ve been bottom-four defensively to date.

Tigres are in 7th.  They just broke a three-match non-winning streak with a road W over midtable Morelia.  Before that clean sheet, they’d allowed 11 goals over their last four matches.   (8:00 PM, ESPN Deportes)

RESULT:   Tigres   6-1

  1. Metropolitan Police vs. Newport County – England FA Cup

Yesterday, Noob featured a Minnow Watch and here we get another!   This is the first round of the “Competition Proper”, where teams as high as the third-tier of English football enter the tournament.  Previously, teams from the lower divisions have been battling to get to this point.

Metropolitan Police are one of three seventh-tier teams to have survived those qualifying rounds.  They are out of the Southern League Premier Division South, based in Surrey.  They’re just midtable there, and playing dreadful defense.

Newport Town come calling today, from level four of the English football pyramid.  They’re tied for 5th in League Two, though it’s hard to see how.  They make their host’s defense look divine.

Too just look at stats in their respective leagues, this could be a shootout.  Or given the gap in pyramid level, Newport may just come in and crush them.

RESULT:   Newport   0-2

SmallMetPolicelogo.png

 

 

Higher-league teams could take a lesson from the fine crest-work.

  1. FC Porto vs. Braga – Portugual Primeira Liga

Braga are the lone undefeated team remaining here in UEFA’s #7-ranked league.  Tied with them – FC Porto.   Both lead the rest of the league on both offense and defense.  Top two finishers make the Champions League next year.

A draw would leave both vulnerable to fellow powerhouse Sporting CP just behind.  A win for either gives them a real leg up in the title race, even here early in the season.

RESULT:   Porto   1-0

  1. Connah’s Quay vs. Barry Town – Welsh Premier

The Welsh top flite may be one of Europe’s weakest, but Noob’s always down for more tied-for-1st place action!

Connah’s Quay is no surprise.  They finished 3rd last year, about as low as Noob’s seen in my brief time closely following the footsball.

Barry Town?  Yeah, they were in 7th last year.  They’ve won seven of eight matches running, though every win but one by a single goal.  Soccer may not be a high-scoring affair typically, but that’s unusual even in this sport.  They’re not strong enough up front to keep this up all season long, will drop to midtable.

RESULT:   2-2

  1. Audax Italiano vs. Palestino – Copa Chile

What an odd Final.  With a Copa Libertadores berth going to the FA Cup winner, one would think the best teams would be getting here.  Audax and Palestino are well down the Premier League table in Chile, 11th and 13th, respectively.

Heck, Palestino is only two spots clear of the Relegation Zone!   Noob wonders if a team has ever qualified for the CL and been Demoted in the same season.

This is the first leg of the two-legged, home and away Final.  Between the higher table position and actually having a positive goal differential, Noob supposed Audax has to be the favorite.

RESULT:   Palestino   0-1

Image result for odd chili

 

Mediterranean Chickpea Chili

C’mon, that’s odd chili.

*sigh*  Who’s running images here with Dan the Intern-o Inferno gone?

  1. Zrinjski Mostar vs. FK Sarajevo – Bosnia and Herzegovina Premier

We return to Europe for a #B-#1 matchup.  The league is only ranked #40 (of 55) by UEFA, yet that only rachets up the drama.  Only one club can earn a Champions League invite.

Sarajevo made a late push to finish even 3rd last season.  Now, they lead the pack by five points.  They’ve averaged over two goals per match, which is astounding.  More so, because they’re among the league leaders at goal-stopping, too.

This isn’t must-win for Mostar, as the season is only halfway done.  Yet falling behind by eight points should they take the L at home today would have them in a bad way.  They’re the #B offense in the league, but by a lot.  It will be curious to see if they try pushing the pace at home, or take some of the air out of the ball.  Noob thinks if they make the game wide-open, they’re going to go down.

RESULT:   2-2

  1. Newcastle Jets vs. Sydney FC – Australia A-League

We finish the Saturday track down under in a top-ten Asian League.   Yes, Noob knows they’re their own continent.  They left the OFC for the AFC some years ago.

The season is so young Down under that we’re better served looking at last year’s table.  it was a weird one.  Sydney FC blew everyone out.  Even so, Newcastle had no close competition for runners-up position.

Three matches in this year, Sydney have yet to lose.  Newcastle sits in dead last.  They’ve only scored twice.  Maybe they should try wresting Usain Bolt away from Central Coast Mariners since he hasn’t yet completed a contract with them.   (Yes, that Usain Bolt.  He’s been training with CCM for a while now.)

RESULT:   1-1            Jets’ Nicholas Cowburn equalizes at 87′

Image result for Electrofringe newcastleSo long from Newcastle!

Home of Electrofringe, part of the annual This Is Not Art festival.

experimental electronic and technologically-based art

’10 to Track’ Globetrotting Friday soccer matches – a Champions League title is decided

Most days, Noob is all about highlighting ten of the most important matches to follow, for us – the newish American fans of the global game.

Fridays, since schedules are a little lighter, we take advantage of the comparative downtime and trot the globe!   Let’s learn about soccer far and near, Noobites.

We start with matches of greater import and more local, then get ready to jet-set.

  1. Esperance de Tunis vs. Al Ahly – CAF Champions League

Leg Two of the Final!

Noobstradamus – our onsite prognosticator – predicted a 2-0 win for Egyptian and African #1 Ahly.  He got the margin right – 3-1.  Not bad for a thousands year-old seer who only looks like Vitruvius from “The Lego Movie” by sheer coincidence…

Now Esperance are up against it, especially presuming that away goals are the first tiebreaker.  The Tunisians not only have to win by two to push this to extra time or penalty kicks, but they have to score an away goal themselves.

Noob will be pulling for Ahly, who are an even match against EdT on the road.  I work with an Egyptian immigrant Ahly supporter, who – while a nice enough fellow – is aggressive in general.  And he was at one time the #2 kung fu fighter in the world.

Gofightwin, Ahly!!

Think what you will of Noob.   It’s not like I had a tie to the Tunisian side anyway.

RESULT:   Esperance   3-0      And so, all hail the African champs!   Esperance are your winners.

Image result for noobstradamus

 

 

Your will is weak, Noob.

Perhaps your psyche will toughen up over a few hundred more years.

B.  Netherlands vs. Switzerland – Women’s World Cup qualification

This is the first leg of the Playoff.

What does that mean?  In this qualification tournament’s Group Stage, the winners all gained entry to next year’s World Cup.  The four best runners-up from those groups have been having their own mini-tournament, vying for one last WC berth out of UEFA.

Netherlands thumped Denmark to start these playoffs, while Switzerland merely tied with Belgium on goals, but won on away-goals tiebreaker.  These are the 10th and 18th-ranked teams in the world, respectively.

As Noob’s often said, there’s something of a lack of parity in the women’s game.  That different in rating is a lot.  The Swiss will be doing well just to keep the match within a goal today.

RESULT:   Netherlands   3-0

Image result for swiss letter B

 

 

 

Number B calls for the upset.

  1. Atlas vs. Pachuca – Liga MX

Noob’s had a little good-natured fun with Atlas, who took forever to win their first match of the Apertura (first half-season).   Well, look who peeked their heads out of the basement!  They now have two wins and are ahead of Veracruz by a point.  Huzzah.

This match is of more actual importance for Pachuca.  The top eight in the league make the Liguilla (postseason tournament), and 8th is exactly where they sit.  More specifically, they lead a three-way tie for 8th, and with only two regular season matches to go.

Naturally, Pachuca should handle this match, even being in the road.   Noob thinks they’re probably better than the two teams ahead of them in the table as well.  Excellent on offense without overly sacrificing on D.  But they can’t afford a hiccup here.  When the season is just 17 games long, there’s no margin for error.

RESULT:   0-0

  1. Sheffield United vs. Sheffield Wednesday – English Championship League

When it comes to most leagues – and nearly all outside of North America and England’s Premier League – Noob’s always looking for matchups in which both teams are near the top of the table.  But this is part of the fun of Globetrotting Fridays.  I take more liberties, like with intracity rivalries such as this.

The top two finishers will be automatically promoted to Premier League next year.  The next four will have a Playoff as one more chance to move up.  Sheffield United is #3 in England’s second division, just a point behind the leaders.  Superb offense, spotty defense for a contender though.

Sheffield Wednesday are more likely to be fighting to stay out of the Relegation Zone.  The bottom three teams will move down a league at season’s end.  The danger is not imminent – they’re in 17th of 24.  But where United’s defense is spotty, Wednesday’s is shoddy.

This is known as the Steel City Derby.  It’s been contested since 1890.  While one of the most hotly contested rivalries anywhere, It’s also been relatively good-natured historically.  Noob may try finding an internet stream of this one to pirate, hopefully catch pre-match fun as well as the play.

RESULT:   0-0

Image result for Steel City Derby

 

 

On the other hand, perhaps Noob has seen enough already.

  1. Haringey Borough vs. AFC Wimbledon – English FA Cup

This event has been going on for some time already.  Teams from the 10th through 5th levels of the English football pyramid have been vying in the Qualifying Rounds to make this, the “Competition Proper”.  Here, teams all the way up to the third tier (League One) enter the fray.

The format remains the same – Knockout.  Home teams are determined by draw, with no return leg happening.

And we have a Minnow Watch!  Much of the fun of FA Cups is watching for lower-division teams who survive those opening rounds.  We now watch to see if any can make a deep run.

Haringey are one of just three teams to have survived from the 7th tier, and no teams from any farther down made it.  They play out of the Isthmian League’s Premier Division, where they’re struggling.  They were just promoted from the Isthmian’s North Division last season.  While they’re not in the Relegation Zone, they’re not far from it, struggling mightily on offense.

AFC Wimbledon are a tough draw for Haringey.  At least the Minnows get to host their match against the third-tier, League One side.  Wimbledon struggled last year to not get Relegated to League Two, and are in the Drop Zone this year.  They’re a Small Ball group.  They pack it in on D, hardly try to score.  They’re managing exactly that, but not to the point of any success.  Still, they’ll obviously be heavy favorites today.

Fun Fact:   Haringey share their grounds with an even lower-tier team now – Hashtag United.

RESULT:   Winbledon   0-1

  1. Timor-Leste vs. Thailand – AFF Suzuki Cup

This tournament is held every other year, run by the ASEAN.   That’s a sub-federation of the AFC, member nations all being from southeast Asia.

Nine national teams qualified automatically.  The 10th and 11th teams to participate had a play-in to the tenth team to round out the Group Stage.  That’s where they are now.  Two Groups of five playing home and away double round robins, with the top two finishers advancing to the Knockout Round.

East Timor are the ones who won the 10th/11th play-in.  For their first match of the Group Stage, they get two-time defending champions Thailand.  Due to stadium standards not being met in East Timor, this – their designated “home game” – is being played in Bangkok.  The teams are ranked #191 and #121 in the world.

RESULT:   Thailand   0-7       Adisak Kraisorn with the first six goals

Image result for East Timor funny

 

Good thing the match is in Bangkok.  In East Timor, they may serve the teams the popular dish of grilled rat.

  1. Hassania Agadir vs. Olympic Club de Safi – Morocco Botola Pro

The Moroccan league is one of Africa’s strongest.  It came into this year ranked #6 by the CAF, will be #4 heading into next year.  While there’s still a long way to go, they’re currently on pace to be the #1 league for 2019-20 rankings.

It’s early in the league season here.  No one’s scoring much, so the table is incredibly tight.  Right now, Agadir are in a three-way tie for #B.   Despite having a goal differential of zero, de Safi are #1.

The two Casablanca-named teams have only played half as many matches as anyone else though, because of their international obligations.  They’ll catch up.

Fun Fact:    The city of Agadir annually hosts Amazigh — a festival devoted to music of the Berber peoples.

RESULT:   Agadir    3-0         Your new league leader!

  1. Al Najma vs. Al Riffa – Bahrain Premier

Welcome back to the Track, Bahrain Premier League!  This one’s only had a feature match with Noob once – also on a Globetrotting Friday – back in January.  it’s ranked by the AFC just a little higher than average, #21.

They’re just five matches into the season, but Al Riffa are looking exquisite so far.  Somehow they’ve lost a match, even sporting a 15-3 GD.  They’re three points up on much more average-seeming Al Nijma.  The Fighting Nijjes don’t play nearly the defense to complete for the league’s only AFC Champions League invite.

RESULT:   Al Riffa   0-1

Image result for you made that up gif

 

What, Fighting Nijjes?

What do you know, Kimmy Gibbler?

  1. Police XI vs. BDF XI – Botswana Premier

This league is on the rise.  They’re not ranked currently, but are on pace to crack the top half of domestic leagues in 2019-20.

There might be a big of a gap forming in the table between the top four and everyone else.  For now, these #6 and #5 league teams can at least see the top of the standings.   But that’s where undefeated Township Rollers rule over all they survey.  Realistically, only Orapa United are going to possibly challenge that perennial power.

Fun Fact:   “The Jungle Kings”, Police XI won the top flite in 2006.

RESULT:   BDF   1-2

  1. Kasuka vs. Indera – Brunei Darussalam Super League

Sri Lanka and Pakistan’s are the only domestic leagues to rank as weaker than this one.  Perhaps this is why one of their clubs (presumably their best) play in the Singapore S.League instead of this one.

The 2018-19 season is just a couple matches in.  These were the #4 and #3 teams from last season.  The title race was a three-team affair.  There was quite a disparity between these two, despite the positional closeness in the table.  At best, Kasuka can only be thought of as good for a draw today.

RESULT:   Kasuka   3-1

Image result for pasar malam bandar seri begawanSo long from Bandar Seri Begawan – the capital and Kasuka’s city.

“The Night Market” – potted plant sellers will be replaced by traditional food sales folk after sundown.

’10 to Track’ Midweek Edition soccer matches – eep! #11, too – USL Final

Midweek Edition – time to slow down, tease out ten most important matches, for us – the newish American fans of the global game – over three days.  Think of it as a soccer slow jam, if you will.   Listen to a 90’s R&B fave whilst you read.

OK, or maybe not.  That got weird.  Again.

Tuesday and Wednesday matches and results are further down.

More Thursday

11.  Louisville FC vs. Phoenix Rising – United Soccer League

Good LAWD!   You’d think Noob would learn a lesson.  I tend to scout out matches for Track inclusion five days in advance.    This FINAL  Amuricuh didn’t appear on my primary sched source because it doesn’t do TBD.  Phoenix played their Semfinal  four days ago.

But that’s the reason, not an excuse.  And at least it can be rectified now, hours before kickoff.

Louisville are the defending tournament champions.  In the Eastern Conference this year, they finished #B, well behind MLS-bound FC Cincinnati.  They get to host this one-off final.  No return to leg to Phoenix, this is it.    Phoenix Rising look becomes Phoenix Risen with an upset win.   Noob says upset because they finished 3rd in the West.

Phoenix conceded far fewer goals than many other Western clubs – including those that made the playoffs.  But they don’t play any better on that end than L’ville, and their hosts have more firepower.  Noob smells a title decided by penalty kicks, but on paper this is advantage reigning champs.   (8:00 PM, ESPN2).

RESULT:   Louisville    1-0        Hail to the champions!

Image result for close call soccer gif

 

Noob’er with the save!

 

If barely…

 

 

Thursday

  1. Seattle Sounders vs. Portland Timbers – Major League Soccer playoffs

The Conference Semifinals continue!  This is the second match of a two-legged tie.

The five-seed Portland won the first match 2-1 at their place.  This broke #B Seattle’s five-match win streak.  Noob has suggested this was a bad matchup for Portland.  Seattle’s offense had been playing their best ball of the season and defense is where Portland had often struggled.

That Timber defense did just enough to win.  Now we get to see if they can hold up on the road.  If they had a weakness, is up the middle some.  Expect to see Seattle run at defender New Zealander Bill Poni Tuiloma to try and get to and through veteran keeper Jeff Attinella.   (10:30 PM, FS1)

RESULT:   Seattle   3-2       And they don’t use away-goals as a tiebreaker.  Still, congrats to Portland!   They won 6-8 on penalty kicks.

  1. Portugal vs. U.S.A. – women’s international friendly

The FIFA #1-ranked ladies head to Lisbon to face the 33rd-ranked team in the world.   They’ve only ever met six times and the U.S. has won all the matches.

With a win today, the USWNT will have it’s 500th-ever program win since forming in 1985.  They should get it by a goal or two, even on the road.   (1:00 PM, ESPN2)

RESULT:   U.S.A.   0-1

Image result for America gif funny

 

‘Murican treasure Danny McBride is revved up for the game.

  1. Argentina vs. Panama – Women’s World Cup qualification playoff

Panama finished the CONCACAF World Cup qualification tournament in 4th place.  Only the top three finishers gained entry.  But Panama gets one last shot.  Like their men’s national team counterparts did last year, if the women get in, this will be their first WC ever.

Argentina finished 3rd in the Copa American Feminina, a South American tournament held once every four years.  The top two finishers qualified for WC.

This playoff is a two-legged tie, so they’ll play again on 11/13.  The teams are ranked #66 and #37 in the world, respectively.  Given the oft-seeming lack of parity in the women’s game, that difference is mammoth.  Expect Panama to win on the road outright.

RESULT:   Argentina   4-0     

Honorable Mention:   Congrats to Platense, winners of the Honduran Copa Presidente!   Noob was going to preview this match, but it was played yesterday.  My scouting had shown it slated for today.

  1. Vidi vs. PAOK – Europa League

Good thing Noob keeps back-up matches handy for such occasions.

This is Europe’s second-most prestigious international club tournament.  The Qualifying Rounds are done and the “event proper” – the Group Stage – is halfway complete.

Clubs have been divided into Groups of four each, playing double round robins.  Top two finishers in each will advance to the Knockout Stage.  And remember, the winner of the whole shebang gets an auto-pass into next year’s Champions League.

There are a slew of matches today.   Noob’s highlighting this Group L match because of how things sit in the table.  Chelsea have won all three of their matches and will not be caught.  But all three other teams are tied!

MOL Vidi qualified for the Champions League by being last year’s Hungarian top-flite winners.  They were knocked out in one of the later qualifying rounds by AEK Athens, and so have been dropped into this tournament.

PAOK were Greece’s runners-up last season.  They also qualified for Champions League, falling one win shy of making the Group Stage there.  Portugal’s Benfica housed them.

On paper, PAOK are the favorites by a fair bit.   They play out of UEFA’s 14th-ranked league compared to Hungary’s at #33.  In terms of Elo rating, the Greeks are 100 points more highly-rated.  They should probably win 5/8 of the time on a neutral pitch.

But this ain’t no neutral pitch.  More, Vidi won the first matchup in Greece, 0-2.

RESULT:   Vidi   1-0

Image result for harold and kumar at white castle

 

One of Noob’s dream’s is to own a White Castle in Vidi’s home city of Szekesfehevar.

It translates, of course, to “white castle”.

 

Wednesday

  1. CSKA Moscow vs. Roma – UEFA Champions League

Today’s slate of CL games may not quite match up with yesterday’s matches.   But Group G may be about to turn into a super-tight race if the home team

CSKA-Moscow were the runners-up in the Russian Premier League.  This is a stronger league than many realize, ranked #6 by UEFA.  They’re in 3rd, but just two points behind their visitors today and Real Madrid.

That all said, Roma are a lot better.  They finished 3rd in last year’s Serie A (#3 in UEFA).  Noob-fave for Elo ratings footballdatabase.com is back up, indicates a pretty be gulf between the two.  Even on the road, Roma should win this by goal or two.  The Soviet side just doesn’t score enough.

Roma won the first Group Stage matchup with CSKA-M 3-0.

RESULT:   Roma   1-2

Image result for funny Russian sportsCome to Moscow for the surprisingly decent soccer. 

Stay for the chessboxing.  Yep.

  1. Plaza de Amador vs. Costa del Este – Panama National League

One of Central America’s stronger leagues?   Nope.   Getting to know all our CONCACAF neighbors just the same?  Aww yeeeah.

One last round of matches and the Apertura is complete.   Noob’s sources are in conflict, sio I reserve the right to correct this after the fact ?   What I believe is that the top six clubs all make the postseason tournament.  The top two will get byes.

CdE can lead #B Tauro by three, others by four or more.  They can do no worse than #B and will get a bye.  They haven’t won any more matches than several other teams, but have earned a lot of draws and suffered only two losses.

PdA are in a three-way tie for 3rd, lead the other two on tiebreaking goal differential.  none of them can finish worse than 5th, so they’re qualified for the postseason.  This is the league’s Small Ball club – they appear to pack it in on defense and not score much themselves.

RESULT:       Noob has no idea.   It now appears this may have been a Copa match.  it may be that it ended 0-0.  Or it may have been cancelled.   The entire Copa may have been cancelled according to one source I saw.  *shrug*

  1. CD Aguila vs. Alianza – El Salvador Premier

El Sllllllllavadoooohhhhhrrrrrr!   Always am compelled to get that out of my system.

This is a bit stronger of a league.  Top eight of 12 make the Apertura postseason tournament.  Here, they have four more matches to go.

These are the #3 and #B clubs.   Aguila has almost no chance to catch Alianza, are playing to maintain their current table position.  This is a pretty well-balanced club, though perhaps a bit soft on defense.

Alianza are just a point behind #1 Santa Tecla.  They’re better than balanced.  A- defense and A++ offense.  Noob knows that’s not a real thing, but you get the idea.   They’re going to win the Apertura.

RESULT:   Alianza   1-2

Image result for el salvador gif

 

El Salvador Jr. – Mexican luchador.

Yeah,. Noob doesn’t get that, either.

 

Tuesday

  1. Napoli vs. Paris Saint-Germain – UEFA Champions League

It’s the most prestigious club competition in all world football, Europe’s championship.  The early “qualifying” rounds are long since done now and the biggest teams have joined the qualifiers here in the Group Stage.   Here, we have eight Groups of four clubs each. Top two finishers advance to the bracketed Knockout Stage.

This is where Noob very much takes liberty with the Track’s mission statement.   There are many CL matches today and nearly all are more “important” than any others anywhere.  But fans who want info on every single match aren’t typically here.   Noob and Noobite we be, and I will filter.

The most interesting match today appears to be this one.  Why?  Because PSG are really, really good.  They’re blowing away everyone at home in Ligue 1.

And they’re in 3rd in this Group.  The idea of them not advancing to the next Round is borderline unthinkable.  Yet with half the double round robin complete, they trail Liverpool by three as well as being a point behind Napoli.

Napoli – Italy’s Serie A runners-up – aren’t quite as good on paper, but not far behind.   If they can hold serve at home and get a win, that puts PSG in a bad way.

PSG has been scoring like crazy, will try to push the pace.  Napoli’s been relying on defense so far, so ball control midfield should determine who can control the pace.    (3:00 PM, TNT)

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for NBA on tnt crewNoob’s starting a petition to have the Charles & Co. do the Champions League!

Might be “turrible”, but so what.

B.  Pachuca vs. CF America – Liga MX Femenil

Three matches to go in the Apertura (first half-season).   These are Group One (of Two) #1 and #B.   Top four from each make the Liguilla (postseason tournament).  These two are already in, but Pachuca can pretty much wrap up the #1 seed with a win today.   They already have a three-point lead.

Both teams are very balanced, should maintain the top two seeds no matter how things go today.  #3 Toluca scores a ton but gives up too many to likely be a threat.

RESULT:   Pachuca   3-2

  1. Tigres UANL vs. Guadalajara – Liga MX Femenil

This is also a #1-#B matchup, but maybe not quite as dramatic.  UNAL lead the Guad Squad by seven.  A win would wrap up the top spot.

This is a bad matchup for the visitors.   They’re a touch better on defense, but can’t score compared to other top Group Two clubs.

RESULT:   Tigres   2-1

’10 to Track’ Relegation Monday soccer matches, and introducing Golden Matches of Suckitude

Relegation Monday — instead of the more usual ten “best” matches, we take advantage of lighter world scheds to celebrate and get to know some teams about to be kicked out of their leagues for poor performance.

The Matches of Suckitude get an abbreviated treatment today.  Noob traveled  a few hundred miles this weekend for a Scrabble tournament.  (I finished 10th of 14 in the top division, 6-8 record.  Meh.)  Only so may hours each day.

Check back later tonight, as Noob may had some Fun Facts about the extra-crappy clubs!   Delightful!

  1. Huddersfield Town vs. Fulham – English Premier League

It’s a Golden Match of Suckitude!

Did Noob just make that up on the spot?  Yep.   Will it stick?  Oh, prolly not.  Maybe change the name.  Hard to say.  What is it?   Two teams at the very bottom of the table duking it out.

Bottom three in England will get Relegated to the second division at season’s end.  Huddersfield have yet to win a match this year.   The next-worst teams on offense have nearly twice as many as their four goals.

Fulham were the third and final team Promoted last season.  But if they keep giving up nearly three goals per match, they’re going back down with a thud.

So, it’s the classic Utterly Resistible Force versus the Absolutely Movable object.   Enjoy!

RESULT:   Huddersfield   1-0            The winners climb out of the cellar and into a 18th.   That’s still Relegation Zone, but they’re tied on points with #17 Newcastle Utd. now.

B.  Anzhi Makhachkala vs. Yenisey Krasnoyarsk – Russia Premier

More pure Gold!  The bottom two from Russia are automatically Relegated annually.  These two be them.  Even the next two up the table will have to play Relegation playoff matches against two also-rans from the second division for the right to stay up.

Krasnoyarsk are from Siberia, were just Promoted via last year’s Relegation(/Promotion) playoff.  Noob thought Makhachkala was going to be sent down last year, and they were featured more than once on Relegation Mondays.  Somehow they climbed to 14th, even avoiding the Relegation Playoff.

Neither can score or defend.  Lord only knows what will happen.  But whatever it is, it will not be quality.

RESULT:   Makhachkala   2-1          Andres Ponce with two penalty goals

  1. Aves vs. Chaves – Portugal Primeira Liga

16th vs 18th, which is last place.  Chaves finished 6th last season, so this position is a little surprising.  But the season is very young.

RESULT:   Aves   1-2       They’re now tied for 17th.

  1. Rijeka vs. Rudes – Croatia First Division

5th place, last place.

RESULT:   Rijeka   5-1       Heber with two goals

  1. Maccabi Haifa vs. Beitar Jerusalem – Israel Premier

This league divided into Relegation and Championship subdivisions later in the season.  Haifa are in 9th, could end up in the former.  Beitar are in dead last.

RESULT:   Beitar   1-2             It’s a Relegation Monday miracle!    Sort of.   Beitar did finished 3rd last year.

  1. Lillestrom vs. Bodo/Glimt – Norway Eliteserien

The hosts here are in 14th, in position to have to play a Relegation Playoff.  And the season is late in northern Europe.  Bodo/Glimt are a good shot at a win though, only two spots higher in the table.

RESULT:   1-1            The point earned was not enough to pull Lillestrom out of the Relegation Zone.  They’re just a point behind two teams though.

  1. Voluntari vs. Dinamo Bucaresti – Romania Liga I

Like Israel’s and many others, this is another league that goes Championship and Relegation subgroups later.

D.B. are in 13th – not ghastly, but well down the table.  Voluntari – the ruling family of vampires – are in last.  Given their supernatural powers, this is beyond confusing.

The Management:   Noob! – We’ve discussed this.

Sure have!   And nothing you’ve said before or since has convinced me.  If it appears in live action on a screen, it’s true.

The Management:   It’s the “Voltori” or something, not Voluntari.

So you agree Twilight is true!   Excellent.  Moving on.

The Management:  Asshat.

RESULT:   Dinamo   0-1

  1. Zagleibe Sosnowiec vs. Jagiellonia Bialystok – Poland Exkstraklasa

Last hosts 4th.

RESULT:   J.B.   1-4          Karol Swiderski with a pair of goals

  1. Trelleborgs vs. Ostersunds – Sweden Allsvenskanliga

Another northern league where things are almost wrapped upp.  More liked boxed up and ready to ship out for Trelleborgs.  They’ve been Relegation Monday fixtures all season, still reside in last.   Osterdunds are 6th-place.

RESULT:   Ostersunds   0-1

  1. LDU de Quito vs. Guayaquil City – Ecuador Serie A

Suckitude occurs the world over, of course, wo we finish our Track with a non-European match.  Quito are 6th, Guayaquil City – last.  G.C. have been horrible all year.  Noob’s still waiting for their rent check for the space they continually occupy here.

Hey, blogs don’t make a ton of money.   Multiple revenue streams are a must.

RESULT:   Quito   4-1      

’10 to Track’ Sunday (11/4) soccer matches – MLS playoffs lead the way!

Noob is just 2-6 in the top division in his Scrabble tournament this weekend.  And I haven’t even faced the former national champ yet.   Welp.

So serving up the ten most important matches to follow, for us – the newish American fans of the global game – is sweet relief to me.  I’m still previewing a match from there this week, but I can’t wait to go salve my wounds with a return back to my fall-winter Sodor home next weekend.

  1. Portland Timbers vs. Seattle Sounders – Major League Soccer playoffs

It’s the Quarterfinals!   In this and the next round, teams face off in two-legged, home-and-away ties.  The lesser seed hosts first.  That’s #5 Portland.

The Timers have had quite the roller coaster season.  Their springtime was simply divine, filled with rain showers and blooming lilies and never a stormy cloud or loss to be seen.  But the summer heat made them inconsistent as could be.

Noob-reviled Sounders come in red-hot, on a five-match win streak.   The defense carried them most of the year.  Of late, it’s been their offense shouldering the load.  If that continues, this is a bad matchup for Portland, which struggled on defense compared to most Playoff clubs.   (5:30 PM EST, ESPN)

RESULT:   Portland   2-1

B.  NYCFC vs. Atlanta United – Major League Soccer playoffs

Atlanta were annihilated in their final regular season match by defending champs yet non-playoff bound Toronto.  That cost them the East’s #1 seed and the Supporters Shield.  But as the #B team, they still got a bye into the Quarters.

The New York Blues beat Philly in both of their last two matches.   That’s good work.  But Atlanta were the scoring champs of the entire league and played just as good of defense as New York City FC.   (7:30 PM, FS1)

RESULT:   Atl   0-1

Image result for grouchy soccer

 

 

how Noob imagines the supporters for New York and Philly — grouchy

 

3.  Wellsworth vs. Ffarquhar – Isle of Sodor Premier

Since Noob’s in Asheville, NC, I’ll miss this fun matchup in the IoSPL’s inaugural season.

Wellsworth were going to be in the bottom of the three divisions.  But they made the Quarterfinals of the first-ever FA Cup this summer.  As reward, they get to play top flite.

Ffarquhar plays in one of the larger towns of the same name, also made the Quarters.  They were slated for PL status already.

These teams were about mirror images of one another statistically.  it’s hard not to lean on the visitors as favorites.  Suddric clubs all draw pretty much from their immediate locales for players.  Wellsworth is a small village — it’s just a numbers game.

Neither played much defense in the FA Cup, even compared to other teams.  That’s saying something.  Aggressive defense is quietly considered uncouth on Sodor.

RESULT:   Ffarquhar   1-5

  1. UNAM Pumas vs. Cruz Azul – Liga MX

With three matches to go in the Apertura (first half-season), Noob believes at least six teams have a realistic shot at the regular season title.

These two are in 4th and 3rd place, respectively.   Cruz Azul play the league’s tightest D, but their offense has scuffled this month.  Some of that may be the extra matches as they advance deeply in the Copa MX going on.

Pumas haven’t lost a match in a couple months.  I’m not sure they will catch CF America for #1. but I’d bet on them moving up a couple spots to #B.

RESULT:   Cruz   1-2          Cruz is the new #1

Image result for six is crazyZero to do with soccer, but PersonNoob (my daughter) loves M.L.P.’s “Mane Six”.

  1. Arsenal vs. Birmingham City – England Women’s Super League

Last season, Arsenal missed a top-two finish and invite to the Champions League by just one point in the table.  And they’re still feeling raw about it.  6-0-0, 31:3 GD.  It was Chelsea pulling the unbeaten number all last season, but there’s a new leader of this pack.

Nearly all the rest of the teams struggle to score a little, and #3 Birmingham is no exception.  They’ve only allowed three goals, but may well give up that many today.

RESULT:   Arsenal   3-1       Jordan Noobs with two goals, and the coolly-named Danielle van de Donk with the other for Arsenal

  1. Cork City vs. Dundalk – FAI Cup (Ireland)

It’s the Final!

Congrats to the league champs, Dundalk, upending two-time defending champs Cork City.  And now they wrestle over another trophy today.

Dundalk lead the Premier there in goal-scoring and defense.   It’s their offense that’s the greater strength.

Cork lost too many close matches to make it a close regular season title race.  But Dundalk have only managed draws their last two away matches.  Noob suspects they probably just rested starters with title in hand, but maybe they’ve spent themselves and the road has become hard.   And while this isn’t a home match for Cork, neither is it in Dundalk.  The big national stadium in Dublin hosts this one.

RESULT:   Dundalk   1-2      hail to the victors!

Image result for FAI Cup Trophy 2018

 

 

Soooo shiny

  1. Olimpia vs. Cerro Porteño – Paraguay Pro Division

Olimpia ran away with the Apertura regular season title and are doing the same here in the Clausura (second-half season).  They’ve already guaranteed themselves a berth into the next Champions League.

C.P. again find themselves #B.  Their D is sensational.  But if that’s the immovable object, Olimpia’s firepower is the irresistible force.  And they’re more irresistible – you saucy minxes – than C.P. is immovable.

RESULT:   2-2           Naughtiness ensued at 90′!   A red card for someone on each time and Olimpia hits a penalty at that mark

  1. Portmore United vs. Tivoli Gardens – Jamaica Premier

Jamaica and Trinidad and Tobago are the strongest leagues of those in the Caribbean subgroup in CONCACAF.

Portmore crushed it during 2017-18 regular season, then went on to win the tournament title.  Tivoli finished 3rd last year.  The new season is just seven matches in, but things look largely the same.  T.G. can play defense with the best of them, but can’t put it in the back of the net like Portmore.

RESULTL   Tivolo   0-1

Image result for Jamaican crush

 

 

Impress your fave Portmore fan and/or your own Jamaican crush with a lovely gift of Jamaican Crush.

  1. Le Geldar vs. Etoile Matoury – French Guiana Honor Division

Nation a FIFA member?  Nope.  Full CONCACAF member?  You betcha.  Two-horse race last year between these two, with Le Geldar winning the trophy by one point.

And that’s an even closer margin here than in most leagues.  In French Guiana, a win is worth four points, a tie worth two for each team, or one point just for showing up to lose.  so instead of two or three table-points being distributed like in most leagues, here it’s four or five.

RESULT:   0-0

  1. Scholars United vs. Roma United – Cayman Islands Premier

We finish our Track with another matchup of 2017-18 #1 and #B teams!   This was another race decided by just a point.  But this league is different than most, or was last season.

These top two were both carried by their defense.   They didn’t Small Ball, but the next four teams in the table all played about as well or better on offense.  Just not the way these things happens in most places.

RESULT:   1-1

T.E. McField Sports Centre, George Town

 

 

So long from T.E. McField Sports Center, George Town, C.I.!

home of Scholars

’10 to Track’ Saturday (11/3) soccer matches – USL playoffs, Liga MX, Premier League lead the way

Noob endeavors to both help us learn about American soccer and the sport from points around the globe, but also to make it weirdly funny throughout.

Saturdays are hardly devoid my inanity, but MAN are the matches but good.  USL playoffs, Liga MX, Premier League, and a bevy of #1-#B matches.

And resident prognosticator Noobstradamus pops in to share what he knows today!

  1. Orange County vs. Phoenix Rising – United Soccer League playoffs

It’s the Western Conference Final in America’s second division playoffs!

These were the West’s top two scoring clubs during the regular season, and they’ve scored a dozen goals between them in four postseason matches.   Look for a shootout, look for it on ESPN+ (10:00 PM EST).

Winners gets defending champs Louisville FC in the Final   Noob thinks the team with the better seed will host.  O.C. are #1, Phoenix #3.   LFC were #B in the East.

RESULT:   Phoenix   1-2

B.  Arsenal vs. Liverpool – English Premier League

Liverpool is one of the three remaining undefeated teams in the league.   Last year’s star Mo Salah isn’t scoring at nearly the record-breaking clip he did last year, and the goals aren’t being replace elsewhere.

This might be a game where they can break out, though.  Arsenal are in 4th, yet play shite for defense.   That may be hyperbolic.  But not by lots.

On a Noob note:  Tenured Noobites know the scorn I have for Tottenham  Sir Topham Hatt Hotspur.  Named for a two-time historical traitor.   And they name a club after him.  Heathens.

Arsenal is their primary rival.  Yet Noob doesn’t hold them in much higher esteem than any club Hotspur is playing on a given day.   Is Noob doing the soccer wrong?   You can comment on this Post or hit me up on Twitter – @SoccerNoobUSA.   (1:30 PM, NBC)

Image result for sir topham hatt cross

 

 

Interact with the Noob, or face the crossness

  1. Kashima Antlers vs. Persepolis – AFC Champions League

Time for another final!    This is the first match of a home and away two-legged tie.

Their domestic leagues are ranked closely together.   Japan’s J1 league is deeper than the Persian Gulf Pro League.  Noob would’ve guessed this meant the Iranians were to be favored.   But Noob’s fave site for Elo ratings (footballdatabase.com) is back up after a few scary days down.  It indicates these two are about perfectly equal.

Kashima play more quality competition.  But Persepolis plays fabulous defense.  Noob cannot handicap such an even-looking match!

It’s time to call on the prognostication powers of Ancient and All-Soccer Seeing Noobstradamus.

Image result for Noobstradamus

 

 

It’s strange when a vision takes hold, what seems clear and what is mist.  Even without the hanging scrolls dedicated to Takemikazuchi,  I would know this for Kashima Shinto Shrine.   

 

Kunii Zen’ya I were sparring in classic Kashima Shinryu fashion.  Our swords were appropriately thick bamboo, with large hilts.  The spiraling nature of the discipline’s movements had us starting and finishing in identical positions.  It was a dance, even as we strove to strike one another.

Motion and Stillness.  Origination and Manifestation.  We danced the beginnings of the Universe through the FiveFold laws.  Offense and Defense.  Emptiness and Reality.  Each pairing always as One, just as our whirring swords seems to be One as well.  Yin and Yang as One.  More clacking bamboo.

I let my concentration slip when one of the many birds on the torii we practiced under moved.  CLACK.  Kunii Zen’ya had perfect control of his weapon, specifically chose to strike a whip-fast blow to my sword-arm.  A lesson.  

I bent down to retrieve my own dropped sword when a scroll wafted down in front of me.  The bird had knocked it loose from its hanging, the distraction.

The Shinto teachers say birds are messengers of the gods.   The Scroll read, “Kashima 3, Persepolis 1.”

So shall it be, Noobites.  Unless it’s not.  That’s happened once or twice before.  Don’t bet the farm.   But that’s a true Vision.  Yeah.

RESULT:   Kashima   2-0           Well, got the winner and margin right, anyway.

4.  CF America vs. Toluca – Liga MX

CF America are finally on top of the Mexican top flite table.   Noob says “finally” because e they’ve only lost two matches, yet have been merely lurking just outside that position all Apertura (first half-season) long.   They’re tied with Santos on points, but ahead on tiebreaking goal differential.

Toluca are in 5th.   They were undefeated in September and looking like they could contend for the title until they dropped a 2-0 match to putrid Atlas to end the month.  They’re going to make the Liguilla (postseason, top eight-finish) just about no matter what happens these last three matches.  They’re base stats are nearly as good as CFA’s.

Perhaps Noob’s not allowing that Toluca simply fell asleep for what they thought would be a cakewalk with Atlas.  But with the half-seasons only being 17 matches each, I’d think teams would be on top of their s**t at all times.   (9:00 PM, ESPN Deportes)

RESULT:   1-1

  1. Celtic vs. Hearts – Scottish Premiership

This isn’t one of Europe’s very strongest leagues, but they’re cracking the UEFA top 20 right now!  Also making this match intriguing is who’s #1 in the league right now.

In Noob’s admittedly brief time (a year and change doing this site), this league has always been about Celtic and Rangers.  And it may return to that again soon.  But for now, I’m enjoying seeing some new blood atop the table.  Thank you, Hearts.

Celtic are #B and will remain so no matter who this match turns out.  Both teams are well-balanced, but Celtic really are a shade better on both ends of the field.  At home, they should prevail, pull within a point of the league leaders.

RESULLT:   Celtic   5-0        Edsonne Edouard with a pair of scores

  1. Genk vs. Club Brugge – Belgium First Division A

Brought to you by the Dept. of Redundancy Department, it’s First Division A-time!

Perhaps Noob should not mock so.  It is the #8 league in UEFA, after all.  And lookit!   They brought is a shiny #1 versus #B matchup.  I know just where to display these in my blog-home.

Brugge are your defending champions, but it’s Genk who are undefeated.  Both score an absolute of crapton of goals, far more than any other clubs in this league.  See if you can find yourself an internet stream for this one.  And if their commentary available, let Noob know if the Belgians also enjoy non-standard measurements like “crapton”.

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for silly man gif

 

 

David Schwimmer has the right of it.

  1. Shakhtar Donetsk vs. Dynamo Kyiv – Ukraine Premier

No new blood atop the table here In the #8 league in Europe.  Yup!   And for being so awesome, they get two slots in the next Champions League.   Unless FC Olexandria continue to surprise, these two will be the recipients of those CL invites.

Donetsk lead #B D.K. by five.  Their 36 goals scored in just 13 matches is so outrageous Noob had to doublecheck.   That’s twice as many as D.K.

Dynamo Kiev do sport the league’s top defense, but barely.  Just above – you guessed it.   Donetsk.  But!  The Dynamo have beaten Donetsk in all three of their last matches.

RESULT:   Shakhtar   2-1        Come from behind win, with the winner being scored at 90′

  1. Atromitos vs. PAOK – Superleague Greece

last season, Atromitos finished 4th, just behind the historic “Big Three” in Greece.   That triumvirate is rarely cracked.  this season so far, They’re #B, and four points up on two of the giants.  Today, they host the other titan, current #1 PAOK, in a battle of the last two undefeated clubs here.

This league will get two CL berths.  Noob thinks the usual suspects are just to balanced to let an interloper like Atromitos stay there long.   Perhaps they can earn a draw at home today, keep the dream alive for another week or more.

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for atromitos supporters riot

 

 

As always, the Vegas line on will their be rioting and police in gear to stop it is OFF.

  1. Astana vs. Kairat Almaty – Kazakhstan Premier

Our last leg here in Europe takes us down the table to a very average league, but one that is on the rise (#28).

This isn’t a terribly meaningful match, but the siren song of #1 vs. #B is too much for Noob.  The season is already almost done here.  Astana has wrapped up the title and K.A. are cemented at #B.   This is the way of things, at the very least of late, in Kazakhstan football.

RESULT:   Astana   3-2

  1. Guangzhou Evergrande vs. Shanghai SIPG – China Super League

We finish our Saturday Track with one more #1 versus #2.   China’s league gets the maximum two slots in the next Champions League, and these two are all but mathematically locked in.  And to no one’s surprise.  Perennial powerhouses.

But Evergrande only lead SIPG by two in the table, so the title is very much up for grabs!  And SIPG have beaten their guests today in three straight.  Neither team has lost since forever, except three weeks ago when SIPG beat G.E.

RESULT:    SIPG   4-5       SIPG Are now your league #1.    And did you know they have a player who simply goes by “Hulk”?

The Chen Clan's Academy.jpg

 

 

So long from Guangzhou!

The Chen Clan’s Ancestral Hall and folk art museum

’10 to Track’ Globetrotting Friday (11/2) – USL playoffs, LigaMX, then we’re off to see the world

The ten most important matches to follow, for us – the newish American fans of the global game.

On Friday’s, schedules run a little lighter.  Noob takes the opportunity to hit up the best local games, and then it’s off to soccer hinterlands less-known!

Come, jet-set with Noob.  The bags of peanuts in-flight are HYOOJ.

  1. Louisville FC vs. New York Red Bulls II – United Soccer League playoffs

Time for the Eastern Conference Final!  Defending champions Louisville host the Red Bull reserve teams.  They finished the regular season #2 and #5, respectively.

Louisville’s been clicking on both sides of both for weeks so, to the tune of nine straight wins.  The defense has been quite good, the offense – phenomenal.

NRYB Jr. have won five straight.    They’ve been comparable on defense, if not quite as dominant on offense.

It’s an interesting twist.   Through most of the regular season, they were both scoring like gangbusters, but with NYRB doing so very much at the expense of defense.  Now Red Bulls have switched their habits around.

No matter which style NY2 play, LFC are the clear fave.  Winner gets either Orange County or Phoenix for the title.   (7:30 PM EST, ESPN+)

RESULT:    L’ville  5-1       Devon Williams with two goals in two minutes

Image result for letter B tiger

 

 

 

Looks like we know which club Number B is rooting for.  Awwwww!

B.  Morelia vs. UANL Tigres – Liga MX

Three matches to go in the Apertura (first half-season).  And since each of the two half-seasons are only 17 matches long, it means things in the table are tight.  Top eight make the Liguilla (postseason tournament).

Morelia’s in 7th, but their numbers don’t make them look like a Playoff team.  The offense is borderline, but the defense is bottom quartile-caliber.  Still, they’re trending the right way.  After not winning a match for more than a month straight, they’re now winners of three in a row.  Those three were against bottom-half teams, but it’s still something.

Tigres are #8.  Two teams trail them by just a point.   They’ve not won in their last four, the defense having completely fallen apart (11 goals allowed).

9th-place Pachuca is going to pass at least one of these two.  So if one of these two loses today, Noob considers it an elimination match of sorts.   (9:00 PM, Univision Deportes)

  1. Paris Saint-Germain vs. Lille – France Ligue 1

Hard to believe PSG is looking like they might get eliminated from the current Champions League at the group stage.   They’re not having any trouble in their domestic league.   11-0-0, eight points up on #B Lille in the table already.

Lille sport an above average offense and defense.    No reason to think they’ll have any trouble finishing in the top three and qualify for the 2019-20 Champions League.  They just won’t look like it today.   PSG 3-1 today.

RESULT:   PSG   2-1     Mbappe with a goal and an assist

  1. Al Ahly vs. Esperance – CAF Champions League

The Final!    Two matches, home and away, for the club title in Africa.

Al Ahly are the #1 team in all Africa.  It doesn’t even seem to be particularly close.   Noob’s Elo ratings-source footballdatabase.com indicated it.  So does my newer one for Elo-ish numbers – soccerverse.com.  (The former has been down for long enough recently that I’m worried it’s gone for good.)

They’re well down the table in their domestic league so far this year, but that’s mostly by virtue of having played far fewer matches than most teams there.  The international play leads to a lot of postponements for them.   Extrapolate their basic stats out and they’re easily performing like a top-four club.

They host what may well be the #2 club on the continent.  This looks like an awful matchup for the Tunisians.  They’re struggling on defense in their league, and Ahly is just relentless on offense.   Ahly by two on their own pitch today.

RESULT:   Ahly   3-1           Walid Soliman scored twice on penalties in a match that also featured a third penalty score

Image result for math is dumb

 

Mathing.

 

I know, right?

  1. El Entag El Harby vs. Smouha – Egyptian Premier

You know, as long as we’re here!

Top two finishers qualify for the next Champions League.  Right now, these two are #B and #3, respectively.  ENEH have played a game or two more than the teams around them in the table.  They’re not going to stay this high in all likelihood.   They don’t score enough, plain and simple.

Smouha, however, look to have the firepower to at least flirt with a top-two finish.  They will be hard-pressed to catch #1 El Zamalek (best O and D in the country) or hold of Al Ahly.  But so far, Smouha looks very balanced and sound.

RESULT:   2-2        Smouha blows an 0-2 halftime lead

  1. URA vs. Nyamityobora – Uganda Premier

Uganda’s top flite Is a league on the move.  They just cracked the CAF rankings for the first time recently, appearing at #18.   They’d have to move up a few more notches to qualify two teams to Champions League, but it’s a start.

It’s too early to perhaps say much, fewer than a half dozen matches into the season.  but #5 URA appear to be a Small Ball team – pack it in on defense, don’t try to even score much themselves.

Noob believes The Nyamity-ville Horror-obora just got Promoted to top tier this year.  Judging by their utter lack of defense, they’ll be headed right back down.

RESULT:   0-0

Image result for that was horrible gifWhat, the play on words there?

Quiet, Adam Scott!   Don’t you have a “Krampus” sequel to go shoot?

  1. 1 de Agosto vs. Hulia – Angola Girabola

Congrats to Angola’s domestic top league!   Big jump coming in the 2019-20 rankings – #17 all the way to #9.

1dA didn’t need the league to have an extra berth into Champions League last season like it will get soon.  They only lost one match all last season.   How?  By only giving up eight goals in 28 matches.   Stifling.

Hulia finished 6th, as perfectly average as they could be, statistically.

RESULT:         is now slated for Sun., 11/4

That African stint can be so draining.  Let’s take a break for the third-ever installment of —

Noob’s Sandwich Reviewoobs!

@MLS on Twitter asked the important, obvious question.  Essentially, is a hot dog, in fact, a sandwich?

Among most noble apes, a sandwich is defined as any meat or other filling between two SLICES of bread.  Buns are NOT slices, or Noob’s name is John Montagu.

To be fair, one can find definitions and contexts where any pieces of bread – sliced or otherwise – are called “sandwich”.  I’m not here to argue against that.

Because it’s already been establish in Amuricuhn court of LAW.

In 2006, A Worcester, MS judge ruled against Panera in a heated case regarding a non-compete clause in a mall food court.  The judge allowed the mall could rent to Qdoba, that tacos and burritos were NOT sandwiches.  His or Her Honor formally told Panera, “Sit on it, Potsy” in the ruling and summary.

What’s fun is that most of that is true.

So — is a hot dog a sandwich?  No.  Heretical.  Illegal!

@MLS, thanks for the picture of the cute kid.  But Noob rates your sandwich question  at a mere two and a half out of five sandwiches on the Noob Sandwich Reviewoob sandwich rating scale.

  1. Ballymena United vs. Glenavon – Northern Ireland Football League Premiership

Next, we jet-set to Europe.  This is one of Europe’s very weakest domestic leagues.  In fact, it’s only semi-professional.  But hey — they’re playing!

They get just the one berth into Champions League.  Glenavon are #1 now, but they only lead Linfield by a point.  They lead the league in scoring, and trail just Linfield in defensive prowess (albeit by a lot).

#3 Ballymena are nicely balanced, but are ten points behind their league-leading hosts.  At least they’re in a position to perhaps get one of the league’s two automatic invites to Europa League.

RESULT:   Bally   2-1

Image result for flying first class funny

 

 

Mr. Bean always flies first class for NIFL Premiership.

  1. Kukesi vs. Flamutari – Albania Superliga

Our second and final stop on our European league takes us to the #34 league in UEFA.  Below average, but a damn sight higher than Northern Ireland.  Wheeeeeeee!

These are the #3 and #5 clubs there currently.  Kukesi are only four points in back of league leaders Skenderbau Korce, but that team’s been the power there for forever.  Even recently getting a 10-year ban from FIFA over match-fixing hasn’t seemingly slowed that bunch much.

If recent history holds, Kukesi won’t catch the Banned Ones or #B Tirana.  Flamutari are far less likely.   When the defense gets down to league average, those clubs won’t be able to stop the perennial title contenders.

RESULT:   Flamutari   1-2

  1. Melbourne City vs. Sydney FC – Australia A-League

The league season is just getting (Down) underway in OZ.  Yet already a big trophy has been awarded.   League defending champs Sydney FC just lost in the FFA Cup final to Adelaide.

Melbourne City finished #3 last year, a nice push for a team that’s historically only average there.  They were either lucky or tough or both, too, as they didn’t score a lot compared to their peers.

RESULT:   Sydney   0-3     Paulo Retre with a goal an an assist

Image result for Melbourne australia funny

 

 

So long from Melbourne!  

Apparently so violent, their club may soon get a Copa Libertadores invitation.

’10 to Track’ Midweek Edition (10/30-11/1) soccer matches — MLS playoffs begin!

The ten most important matches to follow, for us — the newish American fans of the global game.   For the Midweek, Noob teases out ten over the three days instead of a full slate on each.

More first round MLS Playoffs action!   *action flex pose*

But Noob isn’t all America all the time.  We’ll also get to know some more about our CONCACAF neighbors as we finish up the Midweek Track.  Tomorrow — Globetrotting Friday!

Thursday

  1. D.C. United vs. Columbus Crew – Major League Soccer playoffs

Battle of the Saved!   To keep things to Ten on the Track, just previewing this one.  The other match today is #3 LAFC versus #6 Real Salt Lake.  It’s important, absolutely.  But Noob likes to spread the love around, so just doing this one.

If you’ve followed this site or American soccer in general, you know the story arc of these two clubs’ seasons:

D.C. – stunk out loud, signed an all-time great from Europe, Saved their season.

Columbus – high-end average all year, looked like ownership would move them to Austin, Cleveland Browns swooped in recently and Saved the Crew.

Columbus looked so entrenched in #4 spot in the Eastern Conference for so long, Noob called their position a done deal weeks ago.   Then they started mostly losing and drawing matches.  Nearly all their matches.  So with their offense AWOL, they slipped into a tie with D.C.

D.C. has the same number of wins as Columbus, but wins out for the opportunity to hose this match as the #4 by virtue of the second tiebreaker – goal differential.  They haven’t lost a match since late August.  And as much as all-world Wayne Rooney was the big reason early on in their turnaround, there’s no denying it’s the defense that’s carrying them now.  They’ve conceded just two goals in their last six outings.

If Columbus are to have a shot tonight, they’ll likely need another incredible performance from striker Gyasi Zardes.  He netted all three of the Crew’s goals in their regular-season 3-2 finale over Minnesota.

Kind of funny – If Columbus had lost, they’d instead be travelling to struggling #3 NYCFC.   they’d probably have preferred that matchup over one with red-hot D.C.   (8:00 PM EST, FS1)

RESULT:   Columbus   2-2  /  2-3  PK        What a match!  Federeico Higuain with both goals for the winners.  D.C. equalized at 116′ to send it to penalties.

 

Some Ohio edumuhcation for you.

(Buhhht where’s Columbus?)

  1. Motagua vs. Herediano – CONCACAF League

It’s the second leg of the Final!   Here are some of the event details from the post a week ago.  What is this tournament?

That can be better answered to start by telling you who is (and isn’t) in it.   This is 13 really good Central American teams and three top clubs from the Caribbean region.

Who this is not are the league champions from the five best Central American leagues.  Those qualified directly for the CONCACAF Champions League.  The winner of this event gets the 16th and final spot in the Champions League

Herediano qualified for this tournament by having the best aggregate record between the Costa Rican Apertura and Clausura (first and second half-tournaments) last season.  Motagua were the runners-up in both those stages In Honduras.

Herediano are the better team in paper, but wow are they struggling in their current league season.  They’ve lost four straight, only scoring in one of the matches and dropping to midtable.

Herediano have been the favorite, despite struggling in their current league season.  They’d lost four straight matches before winning the first leg here, beating Montagua 2-0.

This had looked like a real opportunity for underdogs Motagua.  They’d not lost in six matches.   In league, their D has been A+.  But two goals is a lot to make up against Herediano today, even at home.

RESULT:   Motagua   2-0        But that means Herediano wins the tie 3-2.  Hail to the victors!   And congrats on your Champions League berth.

  1. Santa Tecla vs. Alianza – El Salvador Premier

Just six matches left in the Apertura (first half-season of the year) and Alianza are still undefeated!  But nearly half their matches have ended in draws, so they’re only two points up on #B Santa Tecla.

Noob isn’t overly impressed with Santa Tecla.  The top eight of twelve league teams make the playoffs, so sure, they’re clearly getting into that.   But title contenders?

They’re tough, gritty, but ultimately their offense is only have as good as Alianza’s.  And Aguila’s.  That club just going to be #B.  S.T. may be able to get a draw at home today, but no better.

RESULT:   Santa Tecla   2-1         Well color Noob surprised!

Image result for el infiernillo el salvadorSo long from El Infiernillo, Santa Tecla, El Salvador!

(Local club supporters now want to throw Noob into wherever that steam comes from.)

 

Wednesday   

B.  FC Dallas vs. Portland Timbers – Major League Soccer Playoffs

Nitty Gritty:   Top six in each of the two Conferences qualified for the postseason.  The top two seeds in each get byes to the Second Round.  The format is single elimination matches hosted by the club with the better seed.

Noob initially typo’ed with “Playoofs”.  Dallas made a very loud oof-ing sound as they got figuratively kicked in the gut in their last regular season match.  They came into the match at lowly-Colorado Rapids #B in the table, with a shot at the #1 seed.

Now, #1 Kansas City didn’t lose like Dallas needed for #1 to happen for them.  But a win still leaves them #B and with a Playoff bye.   Even a draw gets them the #3 seed.

Aaaaand they crapped the bed, allowing the Rapids two goals in the last ten minutes of the match.  Colorado wins 2-1.  “The Toros” slip to #4 on the heels of a three-match losing streak.  At least they still get to host this match.

The only good news for Dallas fans is that #5 Portland has been inconsistent most of the season.  The Timbers started 2018 hot, but were up and own the last 2/3 of the year. They lost their last match toi non-Playoff-bound Vancouver, but it’s hard to read too much into that.  Portland went into the game with nothing at stake.  They were going to be the #5 seed no matter the result of the last days’ matches around the league.

The biggest Dallas name to know on offense is Maximilian Urruti.  But if you really want to impress coworkers around the water cooler, tell them Swiss international defender Reto Ziegler needs to get some energy drink going.  The center of Dallas’ defense has been awful down the stretch, but he’s been the weakest link.

For Portland, they key to their success has been midfielder Diego Valeri.  He leads the team in goals and assists both.  Striker Jeremy Ebobisse has been controlling space up front well for them late.  If this tandem are both on – and Noob thinks they will be against their fading hosts – look for a Portland road upset today.

RESULT:   Portland   1-2       Valeri with both goals.  Urrturi was up front, if not dominant.   Reto Ziegler may actually have been the strongest defender for Dallas on the night.

Image result for double letter b funny

 

 

 

Tandem Number B’s are about to make a grievous error.

 

  1. NYCFC vs. Philadelphia Union – Major League Soccer Playoffs

It’s déjà vu all over again.  These two just played in their last match, NYCFC taking it at home 3-1.  That’s particularly disconcerting for the Union because they had something to play for.  They end up with the #6 seed, but could’ve and would’ve climbed two notches up the standings with a W.

NYCFC were going to be the #3 seed no matter how that or any match went Sunday.  Perhaps they were simply motivated to get off a two-match losing skid before the postseason began.

In fact, they’d only won one match in their last nine heading into that one.  (Draws staunched some of the bleeding, and they were never going to drop far since Columbus was also dropping matches left and right.)

So what’s going to happen today?  Goodness only knows.   Philly’s once-vaunted offense pulled a Houdini act the last five weeks.  But NYCFC ‘s did the same thing.

RESULT:   NYCFC   3-1      Maxi Morales with a goal and an assist

  1. Monterrey vs. Cruz Azul – Copa MX

The Final!   And so, one last reminder of what we have here.  The two Copa tournaments each football-year align timewise with their two league half-seasons.  They aren’t like most other nations’ FA Cups, which let in teams from many or all leagues in some way.  Here, only teams from the top two tiers ever compete.

This is a single-elimination Final match, being hosted in Monterrey.  These two are #6 and #3, respectively, in the Liga MX (top tier) standings.  This should be a defensive-affair.  Cruz Azul concede the league’s fewest goals.  And Monterrey has been surprisingly quiet on offense all year.

This isn’t one Noob would want to put pesos on – very even matchup on paper.  But if you are so inclined, Monterrey is at home and the more traditional recent power.

RESULT:   Cruz Azul   0-2        Aaaaand Noob now sees that Cruz are 10-8-2 in their last 20 against Monterrey.  oopsie

Image result for funny Mexican pesos

 

That doesn’t seem ri–

No, never mind.

  1. Fiorentina vs. Chelsea Ladies – UEFA Women’s Champions League

Like the men’s version, this is the top international women’s club tournament in Europe.  They’re now in the Round of 16.  Opponents face off in two-legged home-and-away series to determine who advances.

All the R16 series are heading into their second matches.  Chelsea won 1-0 at home to begin this one.  It looks, therefore, to be the most competitive series going this round.   There’s not often a lot of parity in the women’s game.  A lot of the series are already blowouts.

Fiorentina pulled a Maverick and Goose and slid into someone else’s qualification spot.  Cue up the Kenny Loggins soundtrack.  You’re welcome, “Top Gun” fangirls.

Last year, Brescia finished #B and qualified for this.  But they sold their Serie A rights to AC Milan, who were starting a new women’s team.  That meant #3 Fiorentina gets to play CL.   But they’re not even doing that well early in their new league season.

No one beat Chelsea last year in England, but they’ve not started the new season all that well, either.  I am loath to call a winner here.  Noob’s still on a steep part of the learning curve for the women’s game.  Part of why I’m doing this nutty site!

RESULT:   Chelsea    0-6      Oh dear, that escalated quickly.

  1. Guastatoya vs. Xelaju – Guatemala National League

If one guesses there is a co-relation between how a country’s National Team stacks up against others in their confederation and how their domestic league compares, then Guatemala’s is nearly the weakest of the Central American ones.  But hey – they’re playing!  And when have you ever known Noob to not be mesmerized by the shine of a #1 versus #B matchup?

Guastatoya are responsible for most of the sparkle.  With six matches to go in the Apertura (first half-season), they lead Xelaju by seven points in the table.  Best O in the league by a little, and best defense by a wide margin.  They don’t even concede a goal every other match on average.

Xelaju are tied on points with Malacateco, lead them by one little tiebreaking goal on differential.  Top six will make the Playoffs, and top two will get byes there.  So every match is still vital for Xelaju.  Noob think’s they’ll get that #B spot when all is said and done, but at least a draw and a point today might be a necessary starting point.

RESULT:   0-0

Image result for angry guatemalansCrap!  Ticked off the Guatemalans.

Is that a plastic green vuvuzela?  If so, Noob surrenders right -now-.

  1. Al-Ain vs. Sharjah Cultural Club – Arabian Gulf League

This – also often seen as “The UAE Pro-League” – is the top flite in United Arab Emirates, ranks as the 4th-best league in all Asia.  In fact, here’s how things shake out in the AFC top ten, just for fun:

China and Qatar are the two clear best club football nations.  South Korea and U.A.E. are the clear next best two.   Iran, Japan and Saudi Arabia are #5-#7.  After that, there’s a massive chasm before you get to Thailand and Australia.  Uzbekistan currently rank 10th, but Iraq and Tajikistan are very close.

#1 Sharjah are one of two undefeated clubs remaining early in this league’s season.  Al-Ain are not the other, but they’re #B just the same.    Al-Ain are the defending champs, whereas Sharjah were just average in 2017-18.

Al-Ain were tremendous on defense last year and remain so know.  But Sharjah so far have been every bit as dominant at goal-stopping.  Go, Sharjah!  it’s fun to see newer blood at the top and tight title races.

And Noobites, you’re welcome for not sticking in some stock 80’s pop music Culture Club reference.  My pattern is to put the zany images and videos on the evenly-numbered matches.  But if Sharjah stay atop the table, I make no future promises regarding restraint!  The future may hold “Church of the Poisoned Mind” references.

(“Karma Chameleon” is too easy, overdone.  Never travel in a straight line, Noobites.  Never ever.)

RESULT:   Sharjah   1-2

Tuesday

  1. Adelaide United vs. Sydney FC – FFA Cup (Australia)

The Final!

Australia’s calendar set up is unusual this way.  Most countries play their FA Cup tournaments concurrently with the league season.  Down Under, they’re only two matches into the league season, yet here they are, handing out a trophy already.

This is the first time the federation there has ever used a random draw to determine who will host.  Previously, they FFA made deliberate selections.  Probably it always went in favor of the larger of the two teams’ venues.

But Adelaide won the coin toss, or got a favorable reading of entrails or whatever upside down hoodoo they might do there.  And the Reds need the advantage.   They were a perfectly average team last year, look not much different early on now.  Sydney destroyed the league, best in the biz on both sides of the ball.

Adelaide are a bit better on defense than goal-scoring, will likely look to take the air out of the ball.  Noob’s guessing they’d be thrilled with it being 0-0 and see things decides by penalty shootout.

RESULT:   Adelaide   2-1         Congrats to the victors!    And perhaps should not be so surprised.  Despite Sydney FC being the usually dominant power in Oz, Adelaide are actually now 15-7-9 in the series’ recent  history.

Image result for upside down soccerNo, Ronaldo.

This is now how to prepare for soccer in Australia.   

You’re not leaving Juve so soon anyway.

’10 to Track’ Relegation Monday (10/29) soccer matches – let the Suckitude begin!

Monday, Noob lays quick hits on a couple matches of happier import.  Then, we head into the Matches of Suckitude!   Each match will feature at least one club on the edge of getting kicked out of its league for crappy performance.

Let’s get to know some of them before the evaporate like farts in the wind, so to speak.

  1. Tottenham Sir Topham Hatt Hotspur vs. Manchester City – English Premier League

Dear rawest Noobites:

Thank you for coming, by design or accident, to catch some mini-preview and off-kilter comic writing.  Here’s the short explanation on why you see the strikethrough –

That club is named for English historic figure Harry “Haatspore” Percy.  He stabbed not one but two kings in the back.    Noob carries no truck with such!   A Benedict Arnold on a- or immoral steroids, he will only receive scorn here.  Why a people have decided to name a football club for such a nefarious ne’er-do-well is beyond me.

This all said, this should be one whale of a match!   Haatspore (the or a historic spelling of Hotspur, not being weird and making that up) are in 5th place.  The top four will qualify for next year’s Champions League.  They need a win to jump over anyone in the table, but the season isn’t even a quarter done yet.  Harry Kane & Co. will be in the thick of things at or near the top pf the table all year.

Manchester City were record-setting in their running roughshod over the league last season.  And they may be better this year.  They sit in 3rd, but have a game in hand over the other two undefeated clubs.  A win today.

Haatspore are playing things a little closer to the vest, keeping scoring down for themselves and opponents alike.  For Man City to get the W and three points today, Noob thinks midfielder David Silva will have to be key.  Possession, accurate pass percentage, and an assist – I’m calling for Silva to star today and take down the traitorous miscreants.

RESULT:   City   0-1

Image result for haatspore

 

 

Noob knows art history – but only paintings of the death of Harry Percy.

B.  Lazio vs. Inter – Serie A

Italy’s is another league that qualifies the maximum four clubs into Champions League.  Serie A is currently ranked the third-best in all Europe.

Inter Milan lead third-place Lazio.  And it’s also worth nothing Lazio hasn’t beaten them in their last five tries.   Streaks come to an end, but not likely today.  Internazionale play the league’s best D and have won five straight league matches.

RESULT:   Inter   0-3

Ok, now to get why tenured Noobites come on Mondays – time for the matches of Suckitooooood!

  1. Slavia Prague vs. Dukla Prague – Czech First League

It seems appropriate to Czech-edy Czech ourselves before we risk wrecking ourselves.  Safety first, gentle reader.

OK, Actually Noob just likes listing the most likely lopsided matches first.  This adds a sense of fun randomness.  Most days it’s roughly America, North America, Europe, South America, the rest of CONCACAF, Asia and Africa.

Cant’ get more lopsided-looking than this!   Defending champs Slavia Prague are #B now, but will retake the #1 position after a certain win today.  They have the league’s best D by a little and O by a lot.

Dukla are in second to last place.   If they even manage to score, Noob’s making Czech kolaches for everyone.  Cherry.   Don’t thank me.   S.P. could go down a man or two and Dukla still wouldn’t manage it.

RESULT:   Slavia Prague   4-1

Image result for cherry kolaches

  1. Olympiacos vs. Apollon Smirnis – Superleague Greece

Olympiacos are in a tie for 4th.  They’ll break free of Panathinaikos today.   They’re hosting the last-place club.

Smirnis:  0-0-7.  GD of 1-12.   How did they ever get the one.  Yet if they can pull of a Monday Miracle, they’ll climb a spot!  Aaaaaand still be in a position of Relegation.

RESULT:   Olympiacos   1-0

Image result for apollon smirnis funny

 

 

They’re s restless vibe with the Smirnis supporters…

  1. Akhisarspor vs. Goztepe – Turkey Super Lig

Goztepe are part of a four-way tie for 6th (and behind them all on tiebreaking GD).  But if they drub their hapless last-place hosts by enough today, they could jump all the way to Bth.

This is the most likely match so far that could go the underdogs’ way.  Not only are Akhisarpor at home, but they can actually score, have a pretty average offense.  That means they’re weakness is a dreadful defense.  But Goztepe don’t butter their bread on that end of the field typically.  Could a 1-0 Miracle be in store?

RESULT:   Akhisarspor   1-0         Ding!!

  1. Krylya Sovetov Samara vs. Zenit St. Petersburg – Russia Premier

Welcome back, K.S.S.!   A second-straight Relegation Monday appearance.

Only the bottom two finishers will be automatically Relegated.  The next two will play single elimination matches with two teams from the second division.  So, as many as four could be sent down.

K.S.S. are tied for 13th place of sixteen, so just below danger line.  That won’t change for the better today.  Zenit are #1.   If they have any slight weakness, it’s defense.  But not nearly enough for K.S.S. to take advantage of.

RESULT:   Zenit   0-1

Image result for soccer rat

 

K.S.S. are “The Rats” (and “The Wings”)

  1. Wisla Krakow vs. Zagleibe Sosnowiec – Poland Ekstraklasa

Z.S. have the goal-scoring capability of a midtable team, but a defense that is going to keep them in or near the bottom two – positioned to get The Boot – all year.

W.K. are “only” in 5th.   But they are still Noob’s pick to win the league.  They’ll win by a couple today.

RESULT:   2-2       Guess this balances out the Turkish pick     😛

  1. Hapoel Tel Aviv vs. Maccabi Haifa – Israel Premier

The possible Miracle here isn’t so much about who might win or lose, but rather will anyone score?

Haifa are in second-to-last, having scored only five times in their eight games.  That’s not goodly.  HTA are higher – 10th place – but have a GD of 3-3.   THAT is insane Small Ball.

This whole match is going to be bilious Suckitude spewed all over everyone.

RESULT:   Haifa   1-2       This is so many goals for these two that it’s practically a double-miss for Noober.

Image result for hapoel tel aviv funny

 

Hapoel sports club also has a ballet department.

(OK, that might not be factual.)

  1. Concordia Chiajna vs. Dinamo Bucaresti – Romania Liga I

Bottom two in Romania will get Kicked Out.  Next team up from the bottom will have to face off against a second-division team for the right to stay in top flite.

D.B. play the better offense of these two, so Noob looks for them to win today in a shootout.  Neither can defend no matter whom they’re playing.  Plus, C.C. have lost three straight to them.

RESULT:   0-0        The Turkish prediction is seeming like a fluke now…

  1. Sriwijaya vs. Perseru Serui – Indonesia Liga I

We finish our track in Asia.  They can suck as much as the Euros.  No bias here!

Noob’s been on the road this past weekend, so at time of posting, this match is already complete.  The hosts climbed clear of the bottom three-Drop Zone with a resounding 4-0 win.  Serui plays Small Ball, but lost a man to a red card fairly early.  After that, the rout was on.

The season is down to its last few matches now.  This loss doesn’t cement Serui’s fate, but they’re now six points away from daylight and would have to jump two teams to stay in the top tier.

Image result for palembang indonesia

 

So long from Palembang, South Sumatra — home of Sriwijaya!

floating market

’10 to Track’ Sunday (10/28) soccer matches – MLS regular season hits a climactic finish!

Today is what many call D-Day, I’m learning.  This is the final day of regular season soccer in MLS.  Four teams are fighting for the last two Playoff spots, one in each of the two conferences.   Between matches determine those slots and others helping determine final table positions, seeding for the Playoffs, what’s a Noob to do?

I am loath to mini-preview half or more of matches today.  Noob chooses to act as a filter.   If you want even a little on every games of any consequence, you’re getting it elsewhere.  You’re probably here for the quick hit, water cooler-level chat on the most important team, match or league.  So —

  1. Sporting Kansas City vs. LAFC – Major League Soccer

Nothing else sparkles like a #1 versus #B matchup.  KC took over the top spot in the West after a stunning match at now #3 FC Dallas, wresting the top spot from them 0-3.

It took a while to completely recover from a disastrous July, after leading the West so much of the season, but they’ve done it   They’ve gotten two wins and two draws in their last four matches, of which three were against clear Playoff teams.  It seems they’re peaking.

Re-peaking, perhaps?  Yes, Noob can make up words on his site.  “Peak”-a-boo!

OK, that was weird.  But Noob doesn’t believe in editing.

Meanwhile, LAFC have quietly lurked just below the top two since late summer.  They’ve only lost one of their last ten matches.  Impressive!  But the home draw in their lost outing against non-postseason-bound Vancouver is troubling.

You can’t give up two goals on your own pitch to a team that’d already fired its head coach when a top-two finish and a bye out of the first Playoff round are in the balance.  Not and have Noob take you championship-seriously.  KC by a goal, taking advantage of LAFC’s season-long bugaboo – defense.

Now watch them get a draw while FC Dallas thumps listless Colorado Rapids and get that #1 seed.

(And fine – the next-best games in my opinion are LA Galaxy vying for seed hosting non-playoff but U.S. Open Cup champs Houston, and then NYCFC hosting Philly in a seeding battle.)

RESULT:   KC   2-1      So it’s KC #1.   And the #B seed is awarded to… Seattle?   Yep, they leapfrogged Dallas, which lost today.

B.  Manchester United vs. Everton – English Premier League

The biggest of stories in perhaps the world’s top league continues to be the struggles of usually-powerful Man Utd.  Star player Drogba divides the locker room as he is dead set against head coach Mourinho’s presence.

United got a nice home draw against still-undefeated Chelsea in their last league outing, but that’s about the only really meaningful, positive result they’ve had all season.  They’re struggling and/or lollygagging on both sides of the ball, sitting in a tie for 10th with Brighton & Hove Albion.

Everton are in their toughly usual-spot of 78h, flirting with table positions just above them that will or could earn them a Europa League (second-best international club competition in Europe) invitation.  October has been nice to them – two wins and a draw over PL foes.

Since both squads aren’t scoring a lot, United should be the favorite at home.  Everything depends on how motivated they are.  They have the star power across the board to, of course, win games like this with relative ease, compete for a top four finish and Champions League berth.

RESULT:   Man Utd   2-1

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Bright, cheery soccer Number B just wants everyone to get along.

Pay attention, Man U.

  1. Marseille vs. Paris Saint-Germain – France Ligue 1

PSG are 10-0-0.  No one’s going to compete with them for the title, period.  That doesn’t mean there won’t be a level of drama in the league, of course.  It’s slipped to #5 in the world, so they only get three berths into Champions League now, down from four.

Marseille are tied for 3rd and that last CL spot now.  If you take PSG out of the mix, this is easily the best offensive team in France.    But their D is somehow worse than their offense is great.  PSG should be considered a two-goal favorite, even on the road today.  Don’t be stunned if they score five or six and really make this ugly.

RESULT:   PSG   0-2

  1. Toluca vs. Queretaro – Liga MX

The 17-match half seasons of Apertura and Clausura into which Mexico divides its league season are still the apple of Noob’s eye.  Every match means so much!  With just four to go, Queretaro are part of a four-way tie for 7th place.   The top half of the league (eight clubs) make the postseason, so two of these teams are likely losing a match of musical chairs here.

On tiebreaker, Queretaro is on the outside looking in.  And Noob thinks perennial power Morelia behind them will put things together and sneak in.  To prove Noob wrong about their fate, Queretaro needs a result of some kind today.  That means finding a source of goal-scoring that has so far eluded them.

Toluca are in 6th, three points up on that pack of hounds.  Short of a collapse, they won’t miss the Playoffs.  Their offense is well above-average, enough to avoid dropping matches like hot potatoes.

RESULT:   Toluca   4-0

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too cute to pass up

  1. Alajuense vs. San Carlos – Costa Rica Premier

The Apertura (first half-season) is nearly over and Alajuense lead mighty Saprissa by a point in the table.

San Carlos are in 3rd and way back, no chance to catch either of those two.  They’re actually not much worse than their hosts today, statistically.  Noob thinks they’d be happy with a draw, work towards securing their nearly-certain top four finish and berth in the postseason.

RESULT:   Alajuense   2-1

  1. CSKA-Moscow vs. Krasnodar – Russia Premier

At time of writing, these two are parts of a three-way tie for 3rd.  The league is ranked #6 by UEFA, so like France, they’ll get three teams qualified into the next Champions League.

The race for all those is wide open.  #1 Zenit St. Petersburg lead those next up by six points.  But then six points is all that separates the #B’s from 11th.   CSKA-Moscow play the very best defense in the league, even topping Zenit by a fair bit.  They’ll be in the thick of things at season’s end.

Krasnodar looks just as good on paper, but Noob’s not as used to seeing them doing so well.  I am dubious of their ability to stay so high in the table.  Perhaps that’s unfair, but Noob’s developing rudimentary instincts.

RESULT:   Krasnodar   1-2

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Young Rupert Grint shares Noob’s dubious feeling about Krasnodar.

  1. Brann vs. Rosenborg – Norway Eliteserien

Norway’s nearly risen to be the top Nordic league, having climbed into he top half of the UEFA rankings (#23), just a spot behind Sweden.  Like their northern peers’, this is a summer league and that means they season is about to hit the home stretch.

It’s looking like a two-reindeer race for the title now.  Brann lead Rosenborg by two in the table.  But Noob says “looking like” because Rosenborg are falling apart suddenly.  They’ve only earned a scoreless draw for a result in their last five matches.  The offense has evaporated.  Maybe sublimated is the better term for that climate.  *shrug

Brann have won just one in their last four, not tons better.  But they have to be licking their chops at a chance at home to perhaps all but salt away the league title today.

RESULT:   Rosenborg   1-2

  1. Neftchi vs. Qarabag – Azerbaijan Premier

One so often doesn’t see parity, surprises in so may leagues in Europe.  The powers are who they are.  Qarabag is expected to be near the top.  They’re a consistent champ or runner-up in this league.

But #1 Neftchi are a breath of fresh air!   Eight matches into the season and they’re looking every bit as good on both sides of the ball as Qarabag, who trail their hosts today by three.

RESULT:   Neftchi   3-1

Neftçi Bakı PFK

 

 

You can tell what pays the bills in Neftchi just based on the crest.   Go, “Oil Workers”!

  1. Riga FC vs. Ventsplis – Latvia Virsliga

Riga lead by six points two thirds of the way through this league’s season.  It’s not in Europe’s top half, but hey – they’re playing!

Riga must want to play every day.  They haven’t lost in a dozen straight.  A win today and they probably start dusting off a space in their trophy case.  But Ventsplis are #B and haven’t lost in six.

This match will come down to control of pace.  Riga don’t Small Ball things, but they rely much more heavily on defense than the next-best clubs.

RESULT:   0-0

  1. A CONCACAF olla of footyball goodness!

It’s a spicy stew of matches Noob’s ending our Track with today.  I couldn’t decide and don’t have to!  We’re getting focused on knowing our neighbor’s better here in Year Two of Noob, even just names sometimes.

#1 Bandits host #3 Police in the Belize Premier.  Noob has neighbors from there, so I especially like paying some attention to this one.  Diriangen and Real Estelli are #2 and #3 in Nicaragua’s Premier, a league that’s seen quite a bit of shuffling at the table’s top all year.

#3 Tauro have climbed up from near the bottom of Panama’s National League, settling in to a more usual table position, host fellow power #2 Plaza Amador.  Finally, in what Noob thinks is one of the stronger Caribbean leagues. St. Kitts and Nevis’ #1 and #3 teams from last season face off here early in their new year – Village Superstars and Conaree United.

RESULT:    The Nicaraguan and Panamanian matches ended scoreless.   The Belizean game went 4-4.   SKN match went to Village 2-0.

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Cola de res en mole de olla– Belizean beef tail stars in this olla.

Nom nom nom