’10 to Track’ Relegation Monday soccer matches, and introducing Golden Matches of Suckitude

Relegation Monday — instead of the more usual ten “best” matches, we take advantage of lighter world scheds to celebrate and get to know some teams about to be kicked out of their leagues for poor performance.

The Matches of Suckitude get an abbreviated treatment today.  Noob traveled  a few hundred miles this weekend for a Scrabble tournament.  (I finished 10th of 14 in the top division, 6-8 record.  Meh.)  Only so may hours each day.

Check back later tonight, as Noob may had some Fun Facts about the extra-crappy clubs!   Delightful!

  1. Huddersfield Town vs. Fulham – English Premier League

It’s a Golden Match of Suckitude!

Did Noob just make that up on the spot?  Yep.   Will it stick?  Oh, prolly not.  Maybe change the name.  Hard to say.  What is it?   Two teams at the very bottom of the table duking it out.

Bottom three in England will get Relegated to the second division at season’s end.  Huddersfield have yet to win a match this year.   The next-worst teams on offense have nearly twice as many as their four goals.

Fulham were the third and final team Promoted last season.  But if they keep giving up nearly three goals per match, they’re going back down with a thud.

So, it’s the classic Utterly Resistible Force versus the Absolutely Movable object.   Enjoy!

RESULT:   Huddersfield   1-0            The winners climb out of the cellar and into a 18th.   That’s still Relegation Zone, but they’re tied on points with #17 Newcastle Utd. now.

B.  Anzhi Makhachkala vs. Yenisey Krasnoyarsk – Russia Premier

More pure Gold!  The bottom two from Russia are automatically Relegated annually.  These two be them.  Even the next two up the table will have to play Relegation playoff matches against two also-rans from the second division for the right to stay up.

Krasnoyarsk are from Siberia, were just Promoted via last year’s Relegation(/Promotion) playoff.  Noob thought Makhachkala was going to be sent down last year, and they were featured more than once on Relegation Mondays.  Somehow they climbed to 14th, even avoiding the Relegation Playoff.

Neither can score or defend.  Lord only knows what will happen.  But whatever it is, it will not be quality.

RESULT:   Makhachkala   2-1          Andres Ponce with two penalty goals

  1. Aves vs. Chaves – Portugal Primeira Liga

16th vs 18th, which is last place.  Chaves finished 6th last season, so this position is a little surprising.  But the season is very young.

RESULT:   Aves   1-2       They’re now tied for 17th.

  1. Rijeka vs. Rudes – Croatia First Division

5th place, last place.

RESULT:   Rijeka   5-1       Heber with two goals

  1. Maccabi Haifa vs. Beitar Jerusalem – Israel Premier

This league divided into Relegation and Championship subdivisions later in the season.  Haifa are in 9th, could end up in the former.  Beitar are in dead last.

RESULT:   Beitar   1-2             It’s a Relegation Monday miracle!    Sort of.   Beitar did finished 3rd last year.

  1. Lillestrom vs. Bodo/Glimt – Norway Eliteserien

The hosts here are in 14th, in position to have to play a Relegation Playoff.  And the season is late in northern Europe.  Bodo/Glimt are a good shot at a win though, only two spots higher in the table.

RESULT:   1-1            The point earned was not enough to pull Lillestrom out of the Relegation Zone.  They’re just a point behind two teams though.

  1. Voluntari vs. Dinamo Bucaresti – Romania Liga I

Like Israel’s and many others, this is another league that goes Championship and Relegation subgroups later.

D.B. are in 13th – not ghastly, but well down the table.  Voluntari – the ruling family of vampires – are in last.  Given their supernatural powers, this is beyond confusing.

The Management:   Noob! – We’ve discussed this.

Sure have!   And nothing you’ve said before or since has convinced me.  If it appears in live action on a screen, it’s true.

The Management:   It’s the “Voltori” or something, not Voluntari.

So you agree Twilight is true!   Excellent.  Moving on.

The Management:  Asshat.

RESULT:   Dinamo   0-1

  1. Zagleibe Sosnowiec vs. Jagiellonia Bialystok – Poland Exkstraklasa

Last hosts 4th.

RESULT:   J.B.   1-4          Karol Swiderski with a pair of goals

  1. Trelleborgs vs. Ostersunds – Sweden Allsvenskanliga

Another northern league where things are almost wrapped upp.  More liked boxed up and ready to ship out for Trelleborgs.  They’ve been Relegation Monday fixtures all season, still reside in last.   Osterdunds are 6th-place.

RESULT:   Ostersunds   0-1

  1. LDU de Quito vs. Guayaquil City – Ecuador Serie A

Suckitude occurs the world over, of course, wo we finish our Track with a non-European match.  Quito are 6th, Guayaquil City – last.  G.C. have been horrible all year.  Noob’s still waiting for their rent check for the space they continually occupy here.

Hey, blogs don’t make a ton of money.   Multiple revenue streams are a must.

RESULT:   Quito   4-1      

Author: Soccernoob

After a year of previewing soccer matches the world over with my own off-brand comedy, I now provide exclusive coverage for the Isle of Sodor Premier League, Championship, and FA Cup. (FC Dryaw 'til I die.)

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