Soccernoob

The ten most important games for the newish American fan to follow – weekends are when things get serious.

Revisiting random classic movies.  Noob’s quest to replace number two with Number B in lists.  Being outraged at the existence of an English soccer team named for a historic traitor and so refusing to call it as anything but by a Thomas the Tank Engine  reference… like I said.  Serious.

1. Atlanta United vs. Vancouver Whitecaps – MLS

Only two games into the season, and they already have a common opponent.  Atlanta got curbstomped in Houston 0-4.  Vancouver, however, got a 1-2 road win there.  (7:30 PM Eastern, Fox Sports South)

RESULT:   Atlanta   4-1

Noob may never be able to write “curbstomp” without thinking of the brutal American History X scene.

B.  Liverpool vs. Watford – English Premier

Liverpool have slipped to 4^th, but that’s still in line for a Champions League berth.  And they have a small safety cushion from 5^th-place Chelsea.  This is a tougher-than-average “Hiccup Watch” game though.  They should handle 10^th-place Watford at home, but their guests won’t be overwhelmed.  (1:30 PM, NBCSN)

RESULT:    Liverpool   5-0      Check that – overwhelmed.  Mo Salah scores and incredible four goals

Thank you, Number B, for taking Noob back to a happy place after the above image.

Sweet relief.

3. Manchester United vs. Brighton & Hove Albion – English FA Cup

With league 1^st-place Man City surprisingly eliminated, Man Utd. are the favorite.  BHA doesn’t score enough to keep up, not against a league power and on the road.  This is the Quarterfinal Round.  (3:45 PM, FS2, Fox Deportes)

4. Swansea City vs. Tottenham Sir Topham Hatt Hotspur – English FA Cup

The other Quarterfinal today is more intriguing, since the favorite is on the road.  It will be interesting to see if Swansea goes all out trying to win, as opposed to resting some starters.  They’re on the edge of getting Relegated from Premier League, could reasonably choose to save m)st of their energy for league matches.  (8:15 AM, FS1, Fox Deportes)

RESULT:   Hotspur   0-3

How Noob feels about the reviled Hotspur probably winning.

5. Louisville vs. Nashville – USL

The defending champs take on one of the league’s four expansion teams.  It’s possible this will not be close, but given that MLS’ expansion LAFC has been off to a nice start, who knows?

The other expansion teams are Las Vegas Lights, Fresno, and Atlanta 2.  Two teams from the North American Soccer League (which has cancelled its season) have come over has well – Indy and North Carolina.  They lost teams as well, as Vancouver folded its reserve side, and Orlando’s is taking the year off along with Rochester.

6. America vs. Toluca – Liga MX

They’re well into the second half off the Clausura (second half-season) in Mexico, and these two are part of a three-way tie for #B.  CF America plays the best goal-defense in the league.  Noob thinks they will win today and be the one team that can possibly overtake #1 Santos.  (11:00 PM, Univision Deportes)

RESULT:   Toluca   1-2     Toluca to #B, America drops to #4

An even crazier tie?

7. Genk vs. Standard Liege – Belgium FA Cup

The Final!   These are the top-flight league’s 5^th and 6^th place clubs.  The math is being held at a neutral stadium in Brussels.   Liege is a shade weaker on defense, so look for “the Smurfs” of Genk to eke out a close one.

8. Fenerbahce vs. Galatsaray – Turkey Super League

Surprised we haven’t Tracked more matches from Turkey?  You should be.  They’re a top 10 league in Europe.  Here 4^th hosts 1^st.  They’re only separated by four points in the table.  Italy’s two-team title race might be more “important”, but Turkey ‘s is the most exciting.  (12:00 PM, beIN Sports)

RESULT:   0-0

Ooooh…kay?

9. Shkendija vs. SIleks – Macedonia First Football League

This nation’s league is in the bottom third of strength in Europe.  Why Track anything from here?

Noob and Noobite we may be, learning about the teams, leagues and tournaments of the world’s game together.  It would be easy to focus all our efforts on North America, western Europe, South America and the world’s best only.  Who knows.  It might even make more sense for our mission.  But I decided long ago we’d take the tach of getting to know all of Europe.

Shkendija is the runaway champion-in-waiting in Macedonia.  They have the best defense by a little and the top offense by leaps and bounds.  3^rd-place Sileks are in line for a Europa League berth.

RESULT:   Shkendija   1-0

10. Zrinjski Mostar vs. Zeljeznicar – Bosnia and Herzegovina Premier

Let’s finish off the Track with #1 vs. #2!   They’re a shade even further down the league strength-spectrum in Europe.  Noob cares naught about that!  These two are separated by only two in the league’s Championship table, and about even statistically.  Mostar won this matchup by a goal on 3/4.

Aaaand Mostar has a Bruce Lee statue.  We will always care.

RESULT:   3-3     And care we should!   Zeljeznicar was up 3-0 through 87 minutes.  Before 90 were up, the score was tied.   Unbelievable!

Your Friday jetset pack of ten soccer matches to Track comes a little more raw today.  No formatting, no proofreading, no wacky images or inane blathering (OK, less).

And our Friday couldn’t get started in more awesome fashion than with the return of…

1. Rio Grande Valley vs. Saint Louis – USL

Last year’s 11^th place team from the Western Conferences plays the #12 club from the East.  Ho hum.  But it means the return of American Division Two soccer is here!

What a strange year it will be.  We will meet some teams new to the league.  And it wlll be the only second-tier league.  The North American Soccer League cancelled its 2018 season after losing its lawsuit to be co-sanctioned by NSSF as Division Two.

To learn more about what happened regarding and generally about the NASL, far and away the most informative source a Noobite could visit is D-Twosdays Interviews link on this site.  Noob interviewed over a dozen different people, mostly on the NASL-side of D-Two.  They’re so unreal, you won’t believe they’re real!  At all…

RESULT:   1-1

B.  Puebla vs. Santos – Liga MX

6^th place hosts the leaders here in the Clausura (second half-season).  They finished 14^th and 15^th in the Apertura.  What’s they’re secret?  Ramped up offense.  11 games in, and they’ve both met or exceeded their goal output from the previous 17-game campaign.  At Puebla, Noob sees this as a toss-up.

RESULT:   Santos   0-1

3. Dundalk vs. Waterford – Irish Premier

Dundalk have yet to concede a goal five games into the season, and have scored nearly two per game themselves.  Yet they’re in 3^rd place.  Waterford are #B. freshly-minted from the second division last year.

RESULT:   Dundalk   1-0      Dundalk pulls up into a tie for #B with Waterford  (and ahead on GD)

4. T.N.S. vs. Bala Town – Welsh Premier

TNS will again be the Welsh champs.  Bala Town are in a three-way dogfight for automatic invitation to the next Europa League that comes with finishing #B.  They’re goal differential is zero.   Gritty, gutty, but with little seeming hope today.

RESULT:   TNS   3-0

5. Monaco vs. Lille – Ligue 1

PSG ended up running away and hiding from the rest of the league.  But whichever club finishes #B gets an automatic Champions League berth, too.  That’s AS Monaco right now.  But their lead is narrow over #3 Marseille.  3^rd place will qualify for C.L., too, but have to start play in an earlier round.

Lille are in second-to-last place, so Noob has us Tracking this as a possible “Hiccup Watch” match.  Monaco should win by a couple goals.

RESULT:   Monaco   2-1

6. Ried vs. Wacker innsbruck – Austria Football First League

Welcome to the Track, second-division Austrian football!  Top two will be automatically promoted into the country’s Bundesliga.  The 3^rd-place finisher will have a playoff with a bottom-rung Bundesliga club for a spot in the top-flight next season as well.

Ried is in a tie for 1^st.  Innsbruck are just two points back of them, and have two teams hot on their own heels just another point behind.  Ried scores a lot more and plays nearly as good of defense, should take care of business at home today.

RESULT:   innsbruck   1-3      Turns out a primary source of mine was out of date.  Innsbruck was in 1st by two points already.  Ried is in 4th.

7. Paradise vs. Notre Dame: – Barbados Premier

Last year’s #4 and #5 clubs do battle!  Their season is just beginning.

Fun Fact:  Paradise FC are from Dover, next to St. Lawrence Gap.  That’s the country’s famous mile-ish- long touristy stretch of hotels and bars in the country.

RESULT:   Paradise   2-0      It appears this match may have been played 3/15

8. Extension Gunners vs. Shooting Stars – Botswana Premier

Noob’s not exactly sure where this league ranks in Africa.  But CAF does not list it in its top 18 at the very least.   Football hinterland.  These two are a coupe of midtable teams, 8^th and 7^th place.

Fun Fact:  Extension Gunner’s hometown of Lobatse nearly became the capital when the national gained independence from Great Britain.  Instead, it became home for the judicial system.

RESULT:   Gunners   2-1

9. Binh Duong vs. Nam Dinh – Vietnam V.League 1

This league’s season is just starting.  Last year’s 11^th-place finisher plays host to a newly-promoted team.

Fun Fact:  Due to its strong financial backing, Binh Duong is knows as “the Chelsea of Vietnam”.

RESULT:   Binh Duong   2-1

10. Khujand vs. Khatlon – Tajikistan Tajik League

Given how little money the country has for its international team to travel, I’m surprised to find this is almost a top-ten league in Asian.   Here, too, the season very young.  This is last year’s #B versus I couldn’t find anything on them quickly-team!   Noob’s guess is they were promoted form a lower division for this year.

RESULT:   Khujund   2-1

Today’s T2T follows yesterday’s very closely.  Midweek means champions leagues!

Also, tomorrow I’m hanging a figurative ‘Gone Fishin’ sign’ for one day.  It’d be all Europa League basically.  Enjoy it!

1. Guadalajara vs. Seattle Sounders – CONCACAF Champions League

Opening Round continues.  The Noob-Reviled Sounders lead 0-1.  I previously predicted if they didn’t win that first match by at least two goals, they would go down.   Guadalajara would probably be favored slightly even on a neutral field.

And here’s to hoping!   Noob Adopts some teams, Reviles others.  This site has a search function Noobites can use to easily find out why about Seattle.

RESULT:   Guadalajara   3-0      So even the two goals wouldn’t have been enough margin.  You were warned, Sounders.

Even if you know, Seattle, it doesn’t change that you are.

B.  Barcelona vs. Chelsea – UEFA Champions League

Barcelona earned a draw at Chelsea in the first leg, 1-1.  Now Spain’s #1 can finish off the Brits at their own place.  Chelsea have slid to 5^th place in Premier League, not looking like they are even going to earn a berth into the next C.L.

RESULT:   Barcelona   3-0

Number B championship ring

3. Besiktas vs. Bayern Munich – UEFA Champions League

This one likely isn’t important to track for the competitive possibility.  Bayern routed The Turks in the first round 5-0.  But it’s on at 1:00 PM Eastern on FS2 if one wants to catch some truly beautiful football by one of the favorites to win this whole thing.

RESULT:   Bayern   1-3

4. Corinthians vs. Deportivo Lara – Copa Libertadores

South America’s version of C.L. is in it’s Group Stage.  Venezuelan Lara won their first match, but today will go very differently for them.  Corinthians are a top ten team of all the continent.

RESULT:   Corinthians   2-0

5. Tapachula vs. Toluca – Copa MX

This Quarterfinal match in Mexico’s FA Cup gives us another underdog Minnow to watch for.  But it’s a very good thing they got the random draw to host this one.

Tapachula are having a mediocre season in the second-tier Ascenso League, while Toluca is playing very strong in the top-flight Liga MX.  Noob would easily give up a goal and still bet his Chiclets on Toluca.

And no, that’s not a euphemism for something nawteeee.  I just mean the gum.

RESULT:   Toluca   1-3

6. Juventus vs. Atalanta – Serie A

Atalanta have slipped since their 4^th-place finish last season, in 8^th now.  So this match is all about the 1^st-place hosts.  Juve lead Napoli by just one point in the table.  But they’ve played one less match, so if they can get the win here, that changes the title race in Italy completely.

RESULT:   Juve 2-0

If Noob let’s you do a short profile piece on yourself, will that make these nonsequitir images go away?

(Dan ‘the Intern-o Inferno’ is learning to leverage his power.)

7. Cerezo Osaka vs. Buriram United – AFC Champions League

Gotta be honest.  Surprised to find Thai 1 is a top ten league in Asia.  Explains why the club ratings source I like most (footballdatabase.com, for its ELO-y ratings system) doesn’t at all hate Buriram like I’d expected.  They should be an even match for C.Osaka in in Japan today.   This is an early Group Stage match.

RESULT:   2-2

8. Boca Juniors vs. River Plate – SuperCopa Argentina

It’s strange – it seems to Noob most countries play these Supercups right before their leagues’ seasons start.  Argentina’s is well-started already, yet now is when we find their previous season’s league champ and the reigning FA Cup champ facing off in this exhibition (if a high-end one).

These are two of Argentina’s longtime historically-best teams, so they find it a real treat to see them get to face off in this event.   But Juniors are on top of their game, while River Plate have been pretty meh for at least a couple seasons.  May not be competitive.

RESULT:   River Plate   0-2      And maybe it wasn’t competitive, but other way around!

I’m taking this as a “yes” from Dan.

9. Suduva vs. Zalgiris Vilnius – Lithuania A Lyga

This league is about right on the line for being in the bottom quartile in Europe.  But so what!  It’s last year’s #1 vs. #2!  I’m always down for those matchups, and even though Noob and Noobite we may be, we will get at least a little familiar with teams from leagues of varying strengths.

RESULT:   0-0

10. Nomme KJ Kalju vs. Flora Tallinn – Estonia Meistrliiga

Another league of about that strength and that general part of Europe is Estonia’s.  This feature’s last year’s #3 vs. #1.

Noob’s especially excited for this league starting up again.  The longest-tenured Noobites may remember why.  Look at that league name spelling!   Noob’s mesmerized by double I’s.  I can’t explain why, and won’t try.  Why does one fellow like a lady’s smile, while some like eyes more?  Some things just are.

RESULT:   Kalju   2-0

My fellow douible-i loving Padre is back!

I see you, baby.

Noob’s feeling buff regarding today’s ten best matches for the fellow newish American fan to follow.  Four continental Champions Leagues repped here today.

Perfect chance for Noob to get serous, less bonkers for a change.

Oh dear.  This is will go sideways instead, won’t it…

1. Tigres UNAL vs. Toronto – CONCACAF Champions League

Our continental federation’s C.L. opening round rolls on!  This is the second leg of the two-legged tie.   Toronto lead 1-2 on aggregate.  MLS is repping well all-around this event.

RESULT:   Tigres   3-2     But Toronto advances, having scored more away goals.  ‘Muricuh!   (well, ‘Muricuh-North)

Yes?  What?   

B.  New York Red Bulls vs. Tijuana – CONCACAF Champions League

The Red Bull goalkeeper put on one spectacular show last week, preserving an 0-2 victory.  NY advancing looks almost like a done deal, yes?

But Noob gathers that soccer matches in New York are tricky things.   This may not be nearly the home pitch-advantage it would be against other U.S. teams.  I suspect tons of fans will turn out to support any team from Mexico- or just about any sizable country- in NYC.

RESULT:   NYRB   3-1

Gah!!  

What’s with these non-sequitur images today, Dan?

Scared the poop out of me with this Number B.

3. Manchester United vs. Sevilla – UEFA Champions League

Neither of these sides scores tons for clubs near the tops of their leagues, so it is no surprise their first match went 0-0.  Man Utd. are the far more accomplished team internationally, and are #B in Premier to Sevilla’s 5^th in Spain’s La Liga.  The Red Devils must be considered heavy favorites today.

RESULT:   Sevilla   1-2      On to the next round for the Spaniards

4. Roma vs. Shakhtar Donetsk – UEFA Champions League

The Ukrainian team won the first match 2-1.  On paper, this team is actually only a slight underdog.  And they’re going to advance over Roma.  Noobstradamus has had a vision!

They came to me in a dream, this volkhv, warrior, and farmer.  I was walking the land in a haze, ubiquitous light, from everywhere and nowhere at once, barely illuminating my steps.  Suddenly the haze parted.  The three were coming for me.  The warrior, he knocked me down.  The farmer pressed my face hard into Damp Mother Earth.  The shaman whispered in my ear, “Donetsk draws in Roma”.  1-1 will be your final.

Oh!

Then he gutted me like a sacrificial stuck-pig.

Nearly forgot.

RESULT:   Roma   1-0      Roma advances on the tiebreaker of away-goals.  And Noob learns to be skeptical of Slavic Native Faith shamans.

I like to party when I’m not busy seeing ALL.  My dreams get weird.  Judge me, but NEVER DOUBT!

Don’t think I don’t see you doubting over there.

5. Zacatepec vs. Leon – Copa MX

Mexico’s own biannual Cup is also in full swing.  This is a quarterfinal, single Knockout match.

Like much of the world, Noob’s favorite thing about Cup tournaments is looking for Minnows, or underdog teams from non-premier leagues.  Hello, Zacatepec!

They hail from the second-tier Ascenso league.  Nice draw, fellas, get to host this one-off at home.  Noob still thinks you’ll be doing well to keep lose by just a single goal, but gofightwin!

RESULT:   Zapatepec   1-1   /   7-6  pk    Color Noob impressed!

6. Santos vs. Queretaro – Copa MX

Santos have hit their stride, #1 in the Clausura.  Queretaro are languishing in 13^th.  Yet this could yield an interesting result.   Queretaro play a pretty boring brand of ball, but going all-out, all the time on defense gives them a chance anywhere.

RESULT:   Santos   1-0

And yet they’ve given up two goals…

7. Vasco de Gama vs. Universidad de Chile – Copa Libertadores

South America’s Champions League version is yet in its Group Stage.  Pods of four, top two advance.

Vasco de Gama is something of a middling team from Brazil.  They finished 7^th in their league last season, earning one of the last berths from there.  That still probably makes than a goal-favorite at home against Chile’s #1 entrant.   This is the first Group match for both.

RESULT:   U. de Chile   0-1

8. Ulsan Hyundai vs. Shanghai SIPG – AFC Champions League

Group Stage continues here.   Pods of four, top two advance.  These two hold the spots now.

It’s unlikely two teams will pass SIPG.  South Korean Ulsan has a firm hold of the #B spot.  This should be a dandy of a match for this stage, as they’re from two of the best three leagues in all Asia.  SIPG’s better, but they’re traveling here.

RESULT:   SIPG   0-1

9. Maribor vs. Domzale – Slovenia Prva Liga

This is a two-team league.  Historic powerhouse Maribor trail Ljubljana by four in the table for the league’s only Champions League berth.  Domzale in a distant 3^rd, but have competition for the league’s second Europa League invite.

RESULT:   Domzale   1-2

10. Livingston vs. Greenock Morton – Scottish Championship

Livingston has all but wrapped up a #B finish.  A win today should put a bow on it.  Greenock Morton are in a tight fight to stay in 3^rd, #4 qualify for the league Promotion Playoffs anyway.

RESULT:   1-1

Yep!  Sure is… mm hmmm…

(Noob sure hopes this doesn’t mean something ghastly.  No idea.)

Relegation Monday!   So much of the week is given here to the great teams of soccer.   Monday’s, Noob steers us around to the back ends of league tables.  Let’s get familiar with some clubs before their betters send them scattering.

1. Stoke City vs. Manchester City – English Premier

Has any team ever tried playing two full-on goalies, in addition to the usual standard defensive positions?   Second-to-last place Stoke gives up nearly two goals per game, worthy of scorn and ridicule.  Good luck keeping #1 Man City under, oh, five.

(Noob’s not anti-Stoke, btw.   Just a touch crankypants all around, down with strep.)

RESULT:   0-2   Man City

GAH!!!!!

I have GOT to stop interwebbing so!

B.  Werder Bremen vs. Cologne – Bundesliga

Cologne, congrats!   1-1-1 in your last three coming into today.  You’ve earned yourselves a reasonable chance to climb out of last place.  Of course, you’re not going higher than one spot on the table before all is said and done, and getting Das Boot.

RESULT:   WB   3-0

Don’t think for a second Number B has missed a bit on his letter responsibilities.

3. Copenhagen vs. Helsingor – Denmark Superliga

Last-place Helsingor actually do give up two goals per game.  If it weren’t for Lyngby playing defense so ghastly that one has to wonder if they understand the rules, H-town would have the worst O and D.

Should you ever get promoted back to Superliga again, consider that two goalies thing.  You still won’t win, but at least you’ll look ridiculous.  Oh wait…

RESULT:   Copehagen   4-3

4. PAS Giannina vs. Apollon Smirnis – Superleague Greece

Last Monday, Noob proudly forecast victory for Relelgation Zone Smyrni.  After that glorious win, they are still in the Zone, but can now see daylight.  Today they get another mid-table opponent, but face them on the road.

Relegation Monday is about getting to know some of these teams about to be booted to the netherworld of lower-division football.  But nothing says we can’t root for a candidate to actually fight their way out, stay in the top flight.  So– Go, Light Brigade!

RESULT:   ppd

myLANTA!!    

Lower-division soccer netherworld is so…burny.

5. Dinamo Bucaresti vs. Gaz Metan Medias – Romania Liga I

Romania’s top league is now split into Championship and Relegation divisions.  What this and some other leagues do to make things extra-interesting is cut all teams’ regular season table points in half, compress everyone a little.

Gaz Metan need all the help they can get.  They’re second-to-last.  Dinamo actually finished in a three-way for 6^th, nearly avoided this Relegation event entirely.  They should lay utter waste to their guests.

RESULT:   DB   3-0

6. Maccabi Tel Aviv vs. Maccabi Petach Tikva – Israeli Premier

This is one of the last regular season matches for this league.  They, too, will divide into Championship and Relegation divisions.

Unlike Romania, Noob doesn’t think Israel adjusts the teams table points.  MTA is in a tie for 3^rd now.  The league’s only Champions League invite is still very gettable.  MPT will be in the Relegation division, but at the top of it.  King of Nerds.

RESULT:   MTA   2-0

Yup.   Nerds candy cake.   It’s King.

7. Union vs. Temperley – Argentina Premier

Noob’s going to have to start charging Temperley rent.  Argentina uses a multiyear-system to determine which teams get sent down, and Temperley had such a horrific 2016 that there’s almost no recovery possible.  Not that they look like they’re trying to recover, near the bottom of this year’s table as well.  Top-half Union should dismantle them.

RESULT:   Union   3-0

8. Mineros de Guayana vs. Academia Puerto Cabello – Venezuela Premier

It’s not really fair to identify APC as a true Relegation candidate yet.  The season there is only a few games in, and they’ve played two fewer matches than some teams.  It is reasonable to expect they’ll stay there, though.  They finished 3^rd in the second division last year, just got promoted, and barely.  Mineros finished #B in last year’s Clausura.

RESULT:   0-1   APC    A minor Monday miracle!

9. Novara vs. Brescia – Serie B

Italy’s second division Relegates four teams – the three lowest in the table, and the loser of a ‘play-out’ between the next two clubs.

Novara are in 18^th, one spot in the table from being out of the Drop Zone entirely.  And it’s Brescia who are #17.  The season’s nearly done, so this is Novara’s last, best chance to get clear of a Serie C demotion.

RESULT:   Novara   2-1     Novara are freeee!   They leap above Brescia, and are both just above the Drop Line now.

And now for one non-Relegation-y matchup–

10. Esteghlal vs. Al-Ain – AFC Champions League

Noob let Asia’s top club event get squeezed off the pages this weekend, so time to give it some space.  They’re passing the halfway point of the Group Stage, and Iranian Esteghlal lead their Group of four by two points.

Al-Ain have drawn in all three of their matches and are tied for 2^nd.  Top two from each Group will advance to the knockout round.  Betcha they draw yet again!

RESULT:   1-1      Ding!

Oh so many ties…