Category: 10 to Track

’10 to Track’ Wednesday soccer matches – more from the Four! ongoing Champions Leagues

Today’s T2T follows yesterday’s very closely.  Midweek means champions leagues!

Also, tomorrow I’m hanging a figurative ‘Gone Fishin’ sign’ for one day.  It’d be all Europa League basically.  Enjoy it!

  1. Guadalajara vs. Seattle Sounders – CONCACAF Champions League

Opening Round continues.  The Noob-Reviled Sounders lead 0-1.  I previously predicted if they didn’t win that first match by at least two goals, they would go down.   Guadalajara would probably be favored slightly even on a neutral field.

And here’s to hoping!   Noob Adopts some teams, Reviles others.  This site has a search function Noobites can use to easily find out why about Seattle.

RESULT:   Guadalajara   3-0      So even the two goals wouldn’t have been enough margin.  You were warned, Sounders.

Image result for Seattle stupid

 

Even if you know, Seattle, it doesn’t change that you are.

B.  Barcelona vs. Chelsea – UEFA Champions League

Barcelona earned a draw at Chelsea in the first leg, 1-1.  Now Spain’s #1 can finish off the Brits at their own place.  Chelsea have slid to 5th place in Premier League, not looking like they are even going to earn a berth into the next C.L.

RESULT:   Barcelona   3-0

Image result for letter B Champion

 

 

Number B championship ring

  1. Besiktas vs. Bayern Munich – UEFA Champions League

This one likely isn’t important to track for the competitive possibility.  Bayern routed The Turks in the first round 5-0.  But it’s on at 1:00 PM Eastern on FS2 if one wants to catch some truly beautiful football by one of the favorites to win this whole thing.

RESULT:   Bayern   1-3

  1. Corinthians vs. Deportivo Lara – Copa Libertadores

South America’s version of C.L. is in it’s Group Stage.  Venezuelan Lara won their first match, but today will go very differently for them.  Corinthians are a top ten team of all the continent.

RESULT:   Corinthians   2-0

Image result for end badly for you funny

  1. Tapachula vs. Toluca – Copa MX

This Quarterfinal match in Mexico’s FA Cup gives us another underdog Minnow to watch for.  But it’s a very good thing they got the random draw to host this one.

Tapachula are having a mediocre season in the second-tier Ascenso League, while Toluca is playing very strong in the top-flight Liga MX.  Noob would easily give up a goal and still bet his Chiclets on Toluca.

And no, that’s not a euphemism for something nawteeee.  I just mean the gum.

RESULT:   Toluca   1-3

  1. Juventus vs. Atalanta – Serie A

Atalanta have slipped since their 4th-place finish last season, in 8th now.  So this match is all about the 1st-place hosts.  Juve lead Napoli by just one point in the table.  But they’ve played one less match, so if they can get the win here, that changes the title race in Italy completely.

RESULT:   Juve 2-0

Image result for this changes everything meme

 

If Noob let’s you do a short profile piece on yourself, will that make these nonsequitir images go away?

(Dan ‘the Intern-o Inferno’ is learning to leverage his power.)

 

  1. Cerezo Osaka vs. Buriram United – AFC Champions League

Gotta be honest.  Surprised to find Thai 1 is a top ten league in Asia.  Explains why the club ratings source I like most (footballdatabase.com, for its ELO-y ratings system) doesn’t at all hate Buriram like I’d expected.  They should be an even match for C.Osaka in in Japan today.   This is an early Group Stage match.

RESULT:   2-2

  1. Boca Juniors vs. River Plate – SuperCopa Argentina

It’s strange – it seems to Noob most countries play these Supercups right before their leagues’ seasons start.  Argentina’s is well-started already, yet now is when we find their previous season’s league champ and the reigning FA Cup champ facing off in this exhibition (if a high-end one).

These are two of Argentina’s longtime historically-best teams, so they find it a real treat to see them get to face off in this event.   But Juniors are on top of their game, while River Plate have been pretty meh for at least a couple seasons.  May not be competitive.

RESULT:   River Plate   0-2      And maybe it wasn’t competitive, but other way around!

Image result for argentina weird facts

 

 

I’m taking this as a “yes” from Dan.

  1. Suduva vs. Zalgiris Vilnius – Lithuania A Lyga

This league is about right on the line for being in the bottom quartile in Europe.  But so what!  It’s last year’s #1 vs. #2!  I’m always down for those matchups, and even though Noob and Noobite we may be, we will get at least a little familiar with teams from leagues of varying strengths.

RESULT:   0-0

  1. Nomme KJ Kalju vs. Flora Tallinn – Estonia Meistrliiga

Another league of about that strength and that general part of Europe is Estonia’s.  This feature’s last year’s #3 vs. #1.

Noob’s especially excited for this league starting up again.  The longest-tenured Noobites may remember why.  Look at that league name spelling!   Noob’s mesmerized by double I’s.  I can’t explain why, and won’t try.  Why does one fellow like a lady’s smile, while some like eyes more?  Some things just are.

RESULT:   Kalju   2-0

Image result for pope i see you

 

 

My fellow douible-i loving Padre is back!

I see you, baby.

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Tuesday, 3/13 – four Champions Leagues in a single day. *flex*

Noob’s feeling buff regarding today’s ten best matches for the fellow newish American fan to follow.  Four continental Champions Leagues repped here today.

Perfect chance for Noob to get serous, less bonkers for a change.

Oh dear.  This is will go sideways instead, won’t it…

  1. Tigres UNAL vs. Toronto – CONCACAF Champions League

Our continental federation’s C.L. opening round rolls on!  This is the second leg of the two-legged tie.   Toronto lead 1-2 on aggregate.  MLS is repping well all-around this event.

RESULT:   Tigres   3-2     But Toronto advances, having scored more away goals.  ‘Muricuh!   (well, ‘Muricuh-North)

Image result for Seattle Sounders meme

 

 

Yes?  What?   

B.  New York Red Bulls vs. Tijuana – CONCACAF Champions League

The Red Bull goalkeeper put on one spectacular show last week, preserving an 0-2 victory.  NY advancing looks almost like a done deal, yes?

But Noob gathers that soccer matches in New York are tricky things.   This may not be nearly the home pitch-advantage it would be against other U.S. teams.  I suspect tons of fans will turn out to support any team from Mexico- or just about any sizable country- in NYC.

RESULT:   NYRB   3-1

Image result for letter B weird

 

Gah!!  

What’s with these non-sequitur images today, Dan?

Scared the poop out of me with this Number B.

  1. Manchester United vs. Sevilla – UEFA Champions League

Neither of these sides scores tons for clubs near the tops of their leagues, so it is no surprise their first match went 0-0.  Man Utd. are the far more accomplished team internationally, and are #B in Premier to Sevilla’s 5th in Spain’s La Liga.  The Red Devils must be considered heavy favorites today.

RESULT:   Sevilla   1-2      On to the next round for the Spaniards

  1. Roma vs. Shakhtar Donetsk – UEFA Champions League

The Ukrainian team won the first match 2-1.  On paper, this team is actually only a slight underdog.  And they’re going to advance over Roma.  Noobstradamus has had a vision!

They came to me in a dream, this volkhv, warrior, and farmer.  I was walking the land in a haze, ubiquitous light, from everywhere and nowhere at once, barely illuminating my steps.  Suddenly the haze parted.  The three were coming for me.  The warrior, he knocked me down.  The farmer pressed my face hard into Damp Mother Earth.  The shaman whispered in my ear, “Donetsk draws in Roma”.  1-1 will be your final.

Oh!

Then he gutted me like a sacrificial stuck-pig.

Nearly forgot.

RESULT:   Roma   1-0      Roma advances on the tiebreaker of away-goals.  And Noob learns to be skeptical of Slavic Native Faith shamans.

Image result for noobstradamus

 

I like to party when I’m not busy seeing ALL.  My dreams get weird.  Judge me, but NEVER DOUBT!

Don’t think I don’t see you doubting over there.

  1. Zacatepec vs. Leon – Copa MX

Mexico’s own biannual Cup is also in full swing.  This is a quarterfinal, single Knockout match.

Like much of the world, Noob’s favorite thing about Cup tournaments is looking for Minnows, or underdog teams from non-premier leagues.  Hello, Zacatepec!

They hail from the second-tier Ascenso league.  Nice draw, fellas, get to host this one-off at home.  Noob still thinks you’ll be doing well to keep lose by just a single goal, but gofightwin!

RESULT:   Zapatepec   1-1   /   7-6  pk    Color Noob impressed!

  1. Santos vs. Queretaro – Copa MX

Santos have hit their stride, #1 in the Clausura.  Queretaro are languishing in 13th.  Yet this could yield an interesting result.   Queretaro play a pretty boring brand of ball, but going all-out, all the time on defense gives them a chance anywhere.

RESULT:   Santos   1-0

Image result for soccer defense funny

 

 

And yet they’ve given up two goals…

  1. Vasco de Gama vs. Universidad de Chile – Copa Libertadores

South America’s Champions League version is yet in its Group Stage.  Pods of four, top two advance.

Vasco de Gama is something of a middling team from Brazil.  They finished 7th in their league last season, earning one of the last berths from there.  That still probably makes than a goal-favorite at home against Chile’s #1 entrant.   This is the first Group match for both.

RESULT:   U. de Chile   0-1

  1. Ulsan Hyundai vs. Shanghai SIPG – AFC Champions League

Group Stage continues here.   Pods of four, top two advance.  These two hold the spots now.

It’s unlikely two teams will pass SIPG.  South Korean Ulsan has a firm hold of the #B spot.  This should be a dandy of a match for this stage, as they’re from two of the best three leagues in all Asia.  SIPG’s better, but they’re traveling here.

RESULT:   SIPG   0-1

Image result for ulsan hyundai fc

  1. Maribor vs. Domzale – Slovenia Prva Liga

This is a two-team league.  Historic powerhouse Maribor trail Ljubljana by four in the table for the league’s only Champions League berth.  Domzale in a distant 3rd, but have competition for the league’s second Europa League invite.

RESULT:   Domzale   1-2

  1. Livingston vs. Greenock Morton – Scottish Championship

Livingston has all but wrapped up a #B finish.  A win today should put a bow on it.  Greenock Morton are in a tight fight to stay in 3rd, #4 qualify for the league Promotion Playoffs anyway.

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for weird scottish facts

 

Yep!  Sure is… mm hmmm…

(Noob sure hopes this doesn’t mean something ghastly.  No idea.)

’10 to Track’ for Relegation Monday – Premier League, super freaky pants, you know, the usual

Relegation Monday!   So much of the week is given here to the great teams of soccer.   Monday’s, Noob steers us around to the back ends of league tables.  Let’s get familiar with some clubs before their betters send them scattering.

  1. Stoke City vs. Manchester City – English Premier

Has any team ever tried playing two full-on goalies, in addition to the usual standard defensive positions?   Second-to-last place Stoke gives up nearly two goals per game, worthy of scorn and ridicule.  Good luck keeping #1 Man City under, oh, five.

(Noob’s not anti-Stoke, btw.   Just a touch crankypants all around, down with strep.)

RESULT:   0-2   Man City

Image result for crankypants

 

 

GAH!!!!!

I have GOT to stop interwebbing so!

B.  Werder Bremen vs. Cologne – Bundesliga

Cologne, congrats!   1-1-1 in your last three coming into today.  You’ve earned yourselves a reasonable chance to climb out of last place.  Of course, you’re not going higher than one spot on the table before all is said and done, and getting Das Boot.

RESULT:   WB   3-0

Image result for boots letter B

 

 

 

Don’t think for a second Number B has missed a bit on his letter responsibilities.

  1. Copenhagen vs. Helsingor – Denmark Superliga

Last-place Helsingor actually do give up two goals per game.  If it weren’t for Lyngby playing defense so ghastly that one has to wonder if they understand the rules, H-town would have the worst O and D.

Should you ever get promoted back to Superliga again, consider that two goalies thing.  You still won’t win, but at least you’ll look ridiculous.  Oh wait…

RESULT:   Copehagen   4-3

  1. PAS Giannina vs. Apollon Smirnis – Superleague Greece

Last Monday, Noob proudly forecast victory for Relelgation Zone Smyrni.  After that glorious win, they are still in the Zone, but can now see daylight.  Today they get another mid-table opponent, but face them on the road.

Relegation Monday is about getting to know some of these teams about to be booted to the netherworld of lower-division football.  But nothing says we can’t root for a candidate to actually fight their way out, stay in the top flight.  So– Go, Light Brigade!

RESULT:   ppd

Image result for soccer hell

 

 

myLANTA!!    

Lower-division soccer netherworld is so…burny.

  1. Dinamo Bucaresti vs. Gaz Metan Medias – Romania Liga I

Romania’s top league is now split into Championship and Relegation divisions.  What this and some other leagues do to make things extra-interesting is cut all teams’ regular season table points in half, compress everyone a little.

Gaz Metan need all the help they can get.  They’re second-to-last.  Dinamo actually finished in a three-way for 6th, nearly avoided this Relegation event entirely.  They should lay utter waste to their guests.

RESULT:   DB   3-0

  1. Maccabi Tel Aviv vs. Maccabi Petach Tikva – Israeli Premier

This is one of the last regular season matches for this league.  They, too, will divide into Championship and Relegation divisions.

Unlike Romania, Noob doesn’t think Israel adjusts the teams table points.  MTA is in a tie for 3rd now.  The league’s only Champions League invite is still very gettable.  MPT will be in the Relegation division, but at the top of it.  King of Nerds.

RESULT:   MTA   2-0

Image result for nerds candy

 

 

Yup.   Nerds candy cake.   It’s King.

  1. Union vs. Temperley – Argentina Premier

Noob’s going to have to start charging Temperley rent.  Argentina uses a multiyear-system to determine which teams get sent down, and Temperley had such a horrific 2016 that there’s almost no recovery possible.  Not that they look like they’re trying to recover, near the bottom of this year’s table as well.  Top-half Union should dismantle them.

RESULT:   Union   3-0

  1. Mineros de Guayana vs. Academia Puerto Cabello – Venezuela Premier

It’s not really fair to identify APC as a true Relegation candidate yet.  The season there is only a few games in, and they’ve played two fewer matches than some teams.  It is reasonable to expect they’ll stay there, though.  They finished 3rd in the second division last year, just got promoted, and barely.  Mineros finished #B in last year’s Clausura.

RESULT:   0-1   APC    A minor Monday miracle!

Image result for academia puerto cabello fc 2018

  1. Novara vs. Brescia – Serie B

Italy’s second division Relegates four teams – the three lowest in the table, and the loser of a ‘play-out’ between the next two clubs.

Novara are in 18th, one spot in the table from being out of the Drop Zone entirely.  And it’s Brescia who are #17.  The season’s nearly done, so this is Novara’s last, best chance to get clear of a Serie C demotion.

RESULT:   Novara   2-1     Novara are freeee!   They leap above Brescia, and are both just above the Drop Line now.

And now for one non-Relegation-y matchup–

  1. Esteghlal vs. Al-Ain – AFC Champions League

Noob let Asia’s top club event get squeezed off the pages this weekend, so time to give it some space.  They’re passing the halfway point of the Group Stage, and Iranian Esteghlal lead their Group of four by two points.

Al-Ain have drawn in all three of their matches and are tied for 2nd.  Top two from each Group will advance to the knockout round.  Betcha they draw yet again!

RESULT:   1-1      Ding!

Image result for all ties

 

 

 

Oh so many ties…

’10 to Track’ soccer matches- Weekend Edition – Premier League, MLS, all the finest

The ten most important matches for the newish North American fan to follow.  Our quest is noble.

  1. Chicago Fire vs. Sporting Kansas City – MLS

The Fire placed 3rd in the Eastern Division last season, and unless team make-up has changed a lot, they will play things wiiiiiide open.  KC finished 5th in the weaker Western.

The Management has strong KC ties.   Noob has yet to decide if he will openly root against The Management’s teams on principle, cheer along with him (Unlikely!), or modestly heckle.  For today, I’ll just say this:  If Chicago score first, KC will get routed.  (6:00 PM Eastern, NBA League Pass 6)

RESULT:   3-4    KC     (KC scored first)

Image result for heckling meme

 

 

Apparently, Noob’s late to this party.

B.  Tigres UANL vs. Tijuana – Liga MX

Noob loves Liga MX more and more each passing day.  They play about the same number of games as other premier leagues (34), but when the season is divided into two separate halves, every game means so much more.

They’re 10 games into the Clausura (second half-season), and things are tight as a tick in the table.  Only eight points separate 1st from 13th.  These two are 5th and 7th.  Top eight will get to play in the postseason Liguilla.

The hosts have some trouble on the defensive side of things, but that makes this a good matchup for them.  Tijuana apparently just like to kick the ball as high as they can all game long.  Only 16 goals have been scored in their 10 matches.   (8:00 PM, ESPN Deportes, Univision)

RESULT:   Tigres   1-0

Image result for mexican letter B

 

 

Number B is so ready.

  1. Manchester United vs. Liverpool – English Premier

At #B and #3, both these clubs are looking safe for a top four-finish and invites to the Champions League.  Man Utd. like a lower-scoring game, at least compared to other top clubs.  Noob looks for 1-0 Red Devils win.

RESULT:   Man Utd.    2-1

  1. Sevilla vs. Valencia – La Liga

Spain’s top-flight league gets four Champions League invites, and Valencia seem set for that 4th.  They’re six points up on 5th-place Sevilla.  They need more than a draw.  Anything but a win and they’ll for certain be settling for Europa League.

RESULT:   Valencia   0-2

Image result for sevilla fc meme

 

 

 

Layers of confusion.

 

 

Sunday, 3/11

  1. Atlanta United vs. D.C. United – MLS

What a treeee-mendous first season Atlanta had!   4th place in the brutally tough East.  Pretty much filling up the lower bowl at the NFL Falcons’ home stadium.  Just think where they might be in a few years.

Hopefully someplace good.  Unlike long-timers D.C. United.  They crapped the bed to a dismal last-place finish.   (3:00 PM Eastern, ESPN)

RESULT:   Atlanta   3-1     The Capitol-crapping continues

  1. Borussia Dortmund vs. Eintracht Frankfurt – Bundesliga

Likely the most important game on the globe this weekend.  League titles mean a lot, but those seem to be decided for most of the big Euro leagues.  Getting to Champions League is what counts.

These two are tied for 3rd, and three more teams lurk no more than three points behind them.  American superstar Christian Pulisic and Dortmond will be looking to make this a battle of offense today.  Frankfurt won’t be able to keep up.   (1:00 PM, FS2, Univision Deportes)

RESULT:   Dortmund   3-2      High drama!  Frankfurt gets the equalizer a minute into stoppage time, then Dortmund gets the winner at 90+5.

Image result for christian pulisic funny

 

 

They grow up SO fast!

  1. Inter Milan vs. Napoli – Serie A

If the above is most important, it’s #7 here giving them a run.

Napoli lead the Italian league by a point, but they’ve also played one more game than #B Juventus.  Inter are just one point behind Lazio for the league’s last Champions League berth.  They play the same defense, but Napoli score half again as often.   (3:45 PM, beIN Sports)

RESULT:   0-0

  1. Rangers vs. Celtic – Scottish Premiership

The sand is running out of the glass on Rangers.  They’re just six points behind Celtic for 1st (and the league’s only C.L. spot), but few other teams have the capability to beat Celtic.  They’ll only face off one more time after today.  Realistically, Rangers have to have a win and three points here.

RESULT:   2-3   Celtic

Image result for great scottish food

 

 

 

Wait, those can’t be Scottish.  They look edible.

  1. Jorge WIlstermann vs. Bolivar – Bolivia Premier

This is the Apertura (first half-season), and oh my have they changed formats.  While the Clausura will still be played under a more typical round-robin system, right now they league is split into two groups of seven.  The top four from each group will advance to a Knockout tournament.

Aaaaanyway.  These two are tied for 1st in their Group.

RESULT:   JW   4-2

  1. PAOK vs. AEK Athens – Superleague Greece

#2 hosts #1!   Just what’s needed – added pressure.  PAOK fans will fight just about anywhere, anytime as is.  The club has already had two points in the table deducted for hooligan fans.  They’re five behind AEK.

RESULT:   0-0      Best of all, Noob heard of no fan maimings

Image result for paok hooligans

Actual photo from fighting before a PAOK-AEK game.   

We should NEVER have sent Greece those Karate Kid VHS tapes.

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Globetrotting Friday! From Liga MX to goodness knows where

TGIGF!   The day of the week where Noob starts with a match or three from more familiar locales, then we jetset off to footyball parts less-heralded!

Noob’s a touch tardy getting today’s T2T posted.  Apologies.  I slept most of 22 straight hours with almost 105 fever.  But I’m on the mend, and so let’s travel!  Noob will ride in the back of the plane while Noobites enjoy first class.   No point risking contagion more than need be.

  1. Morelia vs. Veracruz – Liga MX

Morelia is in 5th.  Veracruz is nearly in last.  Not surprising.  They’ve been in position to be the team that gets Relegated for some time.  But we will cheer them on today, Noobites!

Remember Noob’s maxim– never, ever pull for a team that claims to be royalty.  We have nonesuch in North America, and we like it that way!  Morelia are the Monarcas.   (8:00 PM Eastern, Univision Deportes)

Image result for anti royalist

 

 

Oooooh, crap on a cracker.

Noob may have said too much.

B.  Bangor City vs. Bala Town – Welsh Premier

While not quite as dominant as last season, T.N.S. are all but officially the league champs.  What’s left to determine is which team will finish #B and get the automatic Europa League invite, versus several other teams which will play a postseason tournament to decide which gets the other one.

If you ask Noob – and you really shouldn’t, I mean, have you been reading this weirdness for any length of time? – Bangor City will wreck Bala Town.  Based on GD, two-points-back Bala is more like an 8th-place side.  Maybe they win close, are tough and gritty.  But I think 4th-place Connah’s Quay have a better chance of making the move.

Image result for welsh alphabet

 

The Welsh alphabet is weird.  but Number B makes everything okay.

  1. Dundalk vs. Cork City – Irish Premier

Ireland’s is a “summer league”, and so just getting started.  These two finished Bth and 3rd respectively last year.

Fun Fact:  The city of Dundalk is tied to the mythological hero Cú Chulainn.  In battle frenzy, he was written to become a monster, attacking friends and enemies alike.

Image result for cu chulainn

 

 

 

No, Noob did not add the cute little censoring square.

  1. Nasaf vs. Buxoro – Uzebekistan Superleague

This is one of Asia’s ten best leagues, and they, too, are just getting started.  These two finished #B and #6 last year.  Noobites will be more likely to know league powerhouse Lokomotiv Tashkent.

Fun fact:  Only about 10% of the Region’s (state) population lives in Qarshi, where Nasaf plays.   The vast majority live in rural areas.

  1. Esteghlal Khuzestan vs. Kooneh Be Kooneh – Iran Hazfi (FA) Cup

Persian Minnow Alert!   Not that KBK winning would be an upset of epic proportions.  E.K. is nearish the bottom of the table in the top league, while the visitors are #B in the second tier.  This is a Semfinal, and it’s one match only.

Fun Fact:   Kooneh Be Kooneh is the most delicious coffee in the world.

The Management would like to apologize for Noob’s antics.  Noober, you might be thinking of Kona coffee?  From Hawai’i?   Persian coffee beans isn’t really a big industry.

Kooneh coffee beans are best when roasted young.  They give a hearty flavor, though are not so distinctly bitter as Turkish drinks.

*SIGH*

  1. AmaZulu vs. Ubuntu Cape Town – South Africa Nedbank (FA) Cup

This is South Africa’s FA Cup, and like the English version, they allow lots of teams from many lower levels to compete.  This is a Round of 16 one-off match.  AmaZulu is a midtable premier team, while UCT is last place in the second tier.

Fun Fact:  Ubuntu is the most delicious computer operating system in the world.

The Management would like to… okay, fine.  Well-played.   Asshat.

  1. Masavu vs. Bright Stars – Uganda Super League

Uganda’s top league doesn’t appear to even be in the top 16 in Africa, based admittedly on just one CAF source Noob found.  But we’re going, Noobites!  With our devotion and support, they can… oh bloody hell.   They’re just not good.

Masavu are in the Relegation Zone, looking likely to get dropped down to the Uganda Big League.  They’d be doing well just to get a draw against mid-table Bright Stars.

Fun Fact:  Masavu’s crest looks like an early 80’s southern rock album cover.

Image result for masavu fc

  1. Al Nawair vs. Al Ittihad – Syria Premier

Syria’s is only the #16-ranked league in Asia, so they only get one entry into the AFC Champions League.  Al-Ittihad is tied for #B, and only two points behind Al Jaish.  This could be an entertaining, wide open game to watch if it’s findable on some internet stream.  They can’t defend and score tons respectively.

Al-Nawair SC logo.png

 

 

Is that a ferris wheel?

  1. Energetik vs. Balkan – Turkmenistan Yokary Liga

Not sure why Noob had a thought on it, but I’m surprised this league is as high as #26 of 46 Asian national premier leagues.  Apologies, Turkmenistan.   The new season is just starting.  These two were #6 and #4 last year.

Fun fact:  According to one Christian subgroup – the Keraites – Jesus’ mother Mary is buried in her namesake town of Mary (Energetik’s home).

  1. Orara Valley vs. Boambee Bombers – Australia FFA Cup

This is the second round of Australia’s F(F)A Cup.  Would we care about teams from Northern New South Wales’ seven leagues any other day of week?  Perhaps not.  But it’s globetrotting Friday!  Both teams received byes into this round, so it’s their first Cup action.

Fun Fact:  This group was founded all the way back in 1884.

10 to Track soccer matches for midweek – Champions League, plus name-calling Noob learned from a M*A*S*H legend

Let your gaze linger below, as long as you like.  The ten most important matches for the newish American soccer fan to follow don’t mind a bit.  In fact, they’ve gotten dolled up just for you.

Noob’s back to a three-day midweek format, despite there being so many great matches.  Two days, really.  Take Thursday to do a deeper dive into any of the many Europa League matches, should a Noobite’s heart desire.

Tuesday, 3/6

1.  Liverpool vs. Porto – UEFA Champions League

Round of 16, Leg Two.  Liverpool won the first leg 0-5, so Tracking this will simply be watching a Quarterfinal coronation.

RESULT:   0-0     Liverpool advances

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Interwebs, you creep Noob out.

B.  PSG vs. Real Madrid – UEFA Champions League

PSG at home are no better than an even match for Real. That’s bad.  They lost the first leg 1-3.

RESULT:   1-2   Real        The reigning champs move on

Image result for number 2 crown

 

Old Number 2, trying to look cool and be seen with  sympathetic children.

Sorry, but it is Number B’s time.

3.  Tijuana vs. NY Red Bulls – CONCACAF Champions League

Tijuana had a tough Apertura (first half-season) in Liga MX, but have ratcheted up their defense here in the Clausura.  RB will be lucky to only leave Mexico down a goal in this Quarterfinal’s first leg.  MLS teams just aren’t in form yet.

RESULT:   NYRB   0-2   Goalkeeper Robles makes about 40.000 saves and the Red Bulls STUN!

4.  CF America vs. Tauro – CONCACAF Champions League

The Panamanians will have it much tougher, as they visit a real Mexican powerhouse club.

RESULT:   CFA   4-0

5.  Shrewsbury vs. Yeovil – EFL Trophy

Reminder:  This is not the FA Cup, nor even the EFL Cup.   This one only involves the third and fourth-tier leagues (plus some higher leagues’ academy clubs).

Two Noob-Adopted teams. The joy!  But the horror!!  Semifinal.  Shrewsbury is in League One, having a brilliant season.  Yeovil will have a tough time on the road, can concentrate in trying to stay above the Relelgation line in League Two should they lose.

RESULT:   Shrewsbury   1-0

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Being the death-site of the traitorous Harry “Hotspur” Percty forever makes  Shrewsbury hallowed ground.

 

Wednesday, 3/7

The Algarve Cup final matches are today as well.  Ranked out of the Groups Stage, 1st plays #B, 3rd plays 4th, etc.  Title match is Netherlands vs. Sweden

  1. Tottenham Sir Topham Hatt Hotspur vs. Juventus – UEFA Champions League

Speak of the devil.  Grumblekins!  Hotspur earned a draw at Juve in the first leg, now have the advantage on their own pitch.

Look, their namesake switched sides so often, Noob hurls his favorite insult at Harry “Hotspur” Percy and each club supporter:  cretinous yahoo!   Give no quarter, Juventus!

RESULT:   1-2   Juve      Oh happy day!   Juventus score two in the second half to advance 3-4 on aggregate.  

Image result for david ogden stiers cretinous yahoo mash

 

R.I.P., David Ogden Stiers.  As Winchester on M*A*S*H, you gave me my favorite insult for someone.

  1. Manchester City vs. Basel – UEFA Champions League

Noob has made mention on many occasions that Switzerland seems to be something of a rising power on the international stage.  Well, their stage show was Spiderman: Turn Off the Dark-level flop in the first leg.  Man City pummeled them in their own place, 0-4.  Since they’ve already all but won the Premier League, they could go all out and disgrace Basel for sheer entertainment value.

RESULT:   1-2   Basel     The Swiss save some face.  Man City advances.

  1. Toronto FC vs. Tigres – CONCACAF Champions League

This is a Quarterfinal, but is the matchup one many would’ve preferred for the Final.  Toronto is just starting defense of their MLS crown.  Tigres won the postseason Liga MX Apertura Liguilla.

It may get the most attention of any match in this event this year, but Tigres should dominate both games in the two-legged tie (two-game series).

RESULT:   Toronto   2-1     Well Noob’ll be darned!   TFC goal in 88′ nets them the victory.

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Dizzam, Seattle!  Hope you stretched.

  1. Seattle Sounders vs. Guadalajara – CONCACAF Champions League

Based on past performance, Guadalajara should be an even match on the road for last year’s MLS runner-up.  But they were not good in their league Apertura, and have been flat-out awful in the Clausura now.  Seattle may have a real chance.

Still, Noob thinks anything less than a 2-0 win and Sounders will still be in trouble.

RESULT:   Seattle   1-0

  1. U.S.A. vs. England – SheBelieves Cup

This is an invitational tournament, hosted by the US and competed in by three other top-tier women’s national teams.  The four sides each play each other once over a week to determine the winner.

The Americans and English are FIFA-ranked #1 and #3 in the world, and they’re tied on points heading into this final match.  But all England must do to win the trophy is earn a draw, as they’re ahead on the goal differential-tiebreaker.

RESULT:   USA   1-0

Image result for shebelieves cup logo

SheBelieves her space bar was working.

SheWas mistaken.

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Relegation Monday (3/5) – Suck less, Crystal Palace!

Relegation Monday — Noob’s weekly delving into the table-bottoms of so many leagues.  It’s a catacomb of crappiness, a celebration of suckitude!  Let’s get to know these lowbies before they’re given The Boot.

First, we feature three non-Relegation matches:

  1. Finn Harps vs. Mayo League – Irish League Cup

What is this event:  It is not Ireland’s FA Cup.  This is a Knockout competition for the top two leagues’ teams, plus whichever other ones the powers-that-be felt like inviting to bring the total number up to 24.  While those extras are mostly third-division clubs, this match is different.

The Mayo League is county-level, 7th-tier, and it’s amateurs and kids!  Noob’s honestly not certain if this is select players from various teams in the league or one simply one existing team from there, but I imagine this is the thrill of a lifetime for them.  Finn Harps were Relegated to second-division last year.  Will it be competitive?  Probably not.  Does that matter to Noob?  Absolutely not.

RESULT:     ppd due to wearher

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An enviable, elegant league crest.  Well-done.

B.  Nasaf Qarshi vs. Al-Sadd – AFC Champions League

The Group Stage continues in Asia’s premier event.  Pods of four teams, each plays a double-round robin.  Top two from each advance to the Knockout Stage.  These two are from Uzbeikstan (9th-best Asian league) and Qatar (6th-best).  Ability-wise, these clubs would be right at home in MLS.

Al-Sadd is 2-0, Qarshi 1-0-1.  The Uzbeks have already been drubbed by Persepolis, with whom they are tied.  They’re going to have to pull an upset at some point in order to move on.  This is a bad matchup for them though, as Al-Sadd have offensive firepower they don’t.

RESULT:   Qarshi   1-0      Or Noob could be mistaken.  Uzebek, ho!

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Yup.  Group of Four of Number B’s.

  1. Portugal vs. Norway – Algarve Cup

The Group Stage continues in this historically shiny women’s tournament as well.  The format’s a tiny bit strange.  The 12 teams are divided into Pods of three.  Each club plays the others once.  Then the teams are paired off in king-of-the-hill matchups to end the event, 1st playing 2nd, 3rd playing 4th, etc.  Since there are an odd number of Groups, that’s a little crazytown.

Noob continues to give his love to the host Portuguese.  They came in with the lowest FIFA ranking of all teams competing, yet are tied for first in their Group.  Norway is just a point behind.

RESULT:   Portgual   2-0

OK, that was grand.  Now, could we please inhabit the darkness of Relegation zones?  You betcha!

  1. Crystal Palace vs. Manchester United – English Premier

Palace haven’t won a match since January, and so occupy a Relegation spot (third-to-last).  The only things they could possibly have going for them are 1) that Man Utd. might overlook them, B)  Man Utd. might relax just because they’re Champions League berth-top four finish looks secure, and 3) Palace’s own desperation.  (3:00 PM Eastern, NBCSN)

Fun Fact:  Palace is named for the building in which they were founded, a massive exhibition hall in Hyde Park, London.

RESULT:   2-2     So close!   Palace actually led 2-0.

  1. Celta Vigo vs. Las Palmas – La Liga

Like Palace, Las Palmas are in the “last” Relegation spot in their league.  They’re only a point behind Levante, but that’s the only team could possibly catch.  They’re not going to.  Even 1tth place Celta Vigo can overwhelm them at home.

Noob hopes beyond hope for them though.  They’re from the Canary Islands, and I have in inexplicable fondness for teams from such areas.  (3:00 PM, beIN Sports)

Fun Fact:  Actor Javier Bardem is from Las Palmas.

RESULT:   CV   2-1

  1. Estudiantes vs. Olimpo – Argentina Premier

Argentina’s top league Relegates based on four years of results.  Olimpo’s one disastrous 2016 is looking likely to cost them membership in the Premier.  They’re in second-to-last this season, not doing anything to help their cause.  Estudiantes are having a subpar year for them, but still in 11th.

Fun Fact:  Fishing sharks from both boats and bay piers is becoming a very popular recreational activity.

RESULT:   Estudiantes   1-0

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Wait, he went in  that little boat??

  1. Apollon Smirnis vs. Panetolikos – Greek Superleague

10th place Panetolikos is as average a team as can be found in Greece.  And so Noobstrdamus is calling this one for the second-to-last place “Light Brigade”!

Not “Fun”, But Interesting Fact:  Smirnis was founded in Smyrna in the 19th C., but expelled from there during the fighting between Turkey and Greece which followed WWI.  They are now based in Athens.

RESULT:   Smirnis   2-1     It’s a Relegation Monday miracle and a Noober success!

  1. Macabbi Haifa vs. Hapoel Haifa – Israeli Premier

The battle for Haifa!   In truth, it could be a bit more dramatic.  There’s a wide gap between the top six and bottom eight in this league, so it’s already known which teams have made the title playoffs and which will play Relegation playoffs.  Macabbi are in 10th, Hapoel 4th.

Fun Fact:  These two share a 30.000+ seat stadium, Sammy Ofer Stadium.

RESULT:   HH   0-3

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The shipping magnate himself

9.  Al Mokawloon Al Arab vs. Tanta – Egypt Premier

Tanta is in the last Relegation spot, meaning they have the best chance to move up and out.  They’re just two points behind Wadi Degla.  Al Mokawloon are in 8th.  They like a wide open game, so should take care of business at home against defensively-struggling Tanta.

Fun Fact:  About 3 million people come to Tanta annually, at the end of the cotton harvest there.  The city is home to well under half a million.

RESULT:   1-1

  1. Dunav Ruse vs. CSKA-Sofia – Bulgaria First Pro League

Just like Israel, this league will split into title playoffs (6 teams) and Relegation Playoffs (8 teams).  Dunav Ruse are in third-to-last.  It would take a miracle for them to climb to top six at this point.

CSKA-Sofia are #B in the league, with all-but-dashed hopes (six points back) of catching #1 Ludogorets Razgrad for the regular season title.  Ruse’s hope lies in CSKA-Sofia possibly not caring about this one.  That’s it.  Because they score and defend literally three times better than Ruse.

Fun Fact:  Ruse may come from the name (Rusa, meaning “blonde”) for a female founder of the city from the 13th-14th C.

RESULT:   CSKA-Sofia   0-2

Image result for old Blonde Bulgarian woman

 

 

And wow, and she doesn’t look a day over 550.

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Sunday, 3/4 – Welcome, LAFC

No time for dawdling, the ten most important soccer matches to follow for the newish American fan await us, Noobites!

  1. Sporting Kansas City vs. New York City FC – MLS

Last year’s Western Conference #5 and a The Management fave hosts the Eastern’s #2.

Noob will refrain from rooting against KC just to spite The Management.  For now.  It’s a gesture of good will with which to start the season.  (7:30 PM Eastern, FS1)

RESULT:   0-2   NYCFC

Image result for truce funny

B.  Seattle Sounders vs. Los Angeles FC – MLS

Welcome, new MLS club!   Seattle – fie on you, and you know why.  Less-tenured Noobites can search back to learn about the douchebag fan/TA first soccer fan I ever knew.  Actually, I guess that is the story.  (5:00 PM, ESPN Deportes)

RESULT:   0-1   LAFC

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Number B welcomes you to the soccer family, baby LAFC.

  1. Manchester City vs. Chelsea – English Premier

The new league champs host last year’s.  Chelsea wear the sadpants, as it’s looking likely that won’t even make top four and next year’s Champions League.  Noob hopes they can catch fire starting here, pass 4th place, traitorously-named Tottenham  Sir Topham Hatt Hotspur.  (11:00 AM, NBCSN)

RESULT:   Man City   1-0

  1. Toluca vs. Pachuca – Liga MX

Tied for 6th hosts tied for 10th in a table so tight, the ordinal rankings just don’t matter yet.   Pachuca tends to play more wide open than most sides, so if Toluca can score first, this could turn into a rout.

In fact, Noobstradamus sees it just that way, 4-1 for the host Sausagers.  (1:00 PM, Univision)

RESULT:   Toluca   2-1

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Sausage can be conjugated that way?

Not even I saw that coming.

  1. Barcelona vs. Atletico Madrid – La Liga

Barcelona have yet to lose on the season.  A win today against #B Atletico – with just one loss of their own – likely salts the title away.  They play the league’s best defense, but Barcelona’s an absolute monster with the ball.  (10:15 AM, beIN Sports)

RESULT:   Barcelona   1-0

  1. Montpelier vs. Lyon – Ligue 1

These two faced off less than a month ago in the Coupe de France.  Montpelier lost 1-2 at home then.  Will history repeat itself?

Lyon is in 4th, five points behind Marseilles for the third and final Champions League berth.  Montpelier are tied for 6th, trying to catch Rennes for the last Europa League slot.

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for history repeats itself meme

 

 

 

 

History repeating itself

  1. AC Milan vs. Inter Milan – Serie A

Welcome back to the most interesting league race going.  Inter Milan were yesterday pushed out of the top four and a Champions League berth.  Today they’ll pull even on games played, but need a win to jump back up a spot in the table.

AC Milan are tied for 6th, but out of Europa League qualification based on tiebreaking goal differential.  They don’t have the defense to be great this year.  Noob smells a road win for “The Big Grass Snake”.

RESULT:   ppd

  1. Lokamotiv Moscow vs. Spartak Moscow – Russian Premier

#1 hosts #5, but with win a win Spartak would climb all the way up to #B.  Unlikely.  There’s a serious gap in defensive capability between them and the real powers of the league.

This is now the 6th-ranked league in European play.

RESULT:   0-0

Image result for poor defense soccer funny

 

 

 

Defense.  You’re doing it wrong.

  1. Legia Warsaw vs. Lech Poznan – Poland Ekstraklasa

The regular season title is up for grabs as #1 hosts #3 in Europe’s 20th-ranked league.  Poznan sports the best goal differential in the league, so should give the league leaders a tough fight.

RESULT:   Warsaw   2-1

  1. Sanarate vs. Antigua Guatemala – Guatemala National League

Antigua was the Apertura (first half season) champs and are on top again now in the Clausura.

Sanrate has seen massive improvement.  They only finished 9th,  but are now tied for #B.  They scored 14 and gave up 22 goals before.  That line is now 14-8.  Still. Noob thinks they’d be pleased with a draw today, even being at home.

RESULT:   0-0

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Wait, can you say that?  That feels wrong. 

’10 to Track’ for Saturday, 2/3 – MLS back in our lives

Even if the champs are from Canadia, so glad to have top-flight Amuricuhn soccer back in our lives!  MLS headlines Noob’s ‘ten most important games to track for newish U.S. fans’.

There’s just so much excellent footyball!  This is two weekends in a row, so perhaps a return to T2T for every day of the week is all but officially returned.

Tip o’ the day:  don’t forget to check back, as results get added to all T2T featured matches.

  1. Toronto FC vs. Columbus Crew – MLS

MLS?  Yes!   The return is at hand!   Get ready to revel in Amuricuh’s top league.

And what better what better way to start then with the reigning champs?  Toronto FC’s been getting some extra practice playing in the CONCACAF Champions League.  Will they be tired or more in form than the Crew?

Columbus Crew might be in their last season under this name, in that location.  It’s looking more and more like they will move to Austin.  As things develop further, Noob will drop basics.  I know there are places to get great in-depth info on it.  I’ll link there, or Noobites can Google them up on their own.

RESULT:   Columbus   0-2

Image result for save the crew

B.  Houston Dynamo vs. Atlanta United – MLS

Today’s undercard gives Noob a chance to reintroduce a constant in my universe, one I hope you will take on yourself.  Never, ever hold anything but scorn for cities built on swamps!  Urban planning from hell, I mean really.   Sink into the round and be gone!

These two finished 4th in the Western and Eastern conferences last year, respectively.

RESULT:   Houston   4-0      *shakes fist*

Image result for letter B swamp

 

There are so many dangers in Swamp Cities.

Perilous Number B!!

  1. Tottenham Sir Topham Hatt Hotspur vs. Huddersfield – English Premier

Noob-reviled Hotspur is has climbed to 3rd.  My dream of them finishing below the top four and out of the next Champions League is fading.

Huddersfield, shine a light!   You’re only three points clear of getting Relegated with a bottom-three finish.  If you don’t do it for Noob, win for the massive TV money the club won’t get if it gets booted down to the Championship League.

RESULT:   Hotspur   2-0     *shakes other fist*

  1. Monterrey vs. Puebla – Liga MX

Noob wonders if there isn’t something powerful to be learned from Mexico’s league.  Dividing their annual season into two separate seasons lends a ton more meaning to every match.  NBA and MLB, Noob’s looking at you.

Two thirds of the way through the Clausura (second half-season), the table couldn’t be much tighter.  This is especially true of the top half, where all top eight finishers qualify for the postseason Liguilla tournament.  Monterrey’s in 5th, Puebla in 10th.  And either could easily climb or drop three spots in the table by midweek.

RESULT:   Puebla   1-3      Or they might move farther!   Puebla moves into a tie for first (though have played a game more than both those sides).  Monterrey drops into a four-way tie for 6th.

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NPH watching you as well, “major” American sports.

  1. Lazio vs. Juventus – Serie A

#B Juventus and Napoli are duking it out for the league title.  Juve is down four points.  Napoli also has a tough test today against #5 Roma, but they have home field advantage.  A Juve loss and Napoli win probably decides the league championship.

#3 Lazio and two other clubs are battling for the other two Champions League berths this league provides.  If they can protect their pitch today in the toughest of matches, they should be safe for a top-four finish.

RESULT:   Juve   0-1      Now Juve only trail Napoli by a point for 1st, as the latter lost to Roma today.  The biggest move is Roma’s, vaulting up to 3rd place. 

Inter Milan is pushed down to 5th, but they’ve played one less game than most clubs.  Tomorrow they have a tough intracity rivalry game, “on the road” aginast 7th-place AC Milan.

  1. Villareal vs. Girona – La Liga

These two are Spain’s 6th and 7th place sides.  Villareal had looked earlier in the season like they might be able to eke out a top-four finish and Champions League berth.  Now, both are fighting for possible Europa League invites.

RESULT:   Girona   0-2

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Noob’s no polyglot, but pretty sure that’s not even Spanish.

  1. Newcastle vs. Sydney – Australia A-League

Sydney is eight points in front of #B Newcastle.  Newcastle is up 11 on 3rd place.  This match may not have the drama of the Italian ones, but Noob’s always down for a 1-2 matchup.

RESULT:   Newcastle   2-1

  1. Zrinjski Mostar vs. Zeljeznicar Sarajevo – Bosnia and Herzegovina Premier

Both will easily qualify for the league playoffs, given that half the league does.  But Noob’s sure both want that regular season trophy, and these two are another 1-2 matchup!  They’re just a point apart in the table.  #B hosts today.  This is the 40th-ranked UEFA league.

RESULT:   Mostar   1-0

Image result for Bosnia and herzegovina funny

 

Down with the Euro. 

Why not everyone carry a little BAM in your pockets?

  1. Herediano vs. Alajuelense – Costa Rica Premier

Give Noob más #1 vs. #2.  Cater to me, pander to me!!

RESULT:   1-1

  1. Eindhoven vs. Utrecht – Dutch Eredivisie

Eindhoven are going to win the league title.  4th-place Utrecht is in 5th, can’t reasonably catch #4 for a guaranteed slot in Europa League.  They’ll have to win a league four-team playoff at season’s end in order to qualify.

RESULT:   Eindhoven   3-0

Image result for netherlands funny

Honorable mention:   Napoli vs. Roma (Serie A), St. Etienne vs. Dijon (Ligue 1), Celtic vs. Greenock Morton (Scottish FA Cup), Radnicki Nis vs. Partizan Beograd (Serbia Super Liga), Dunjaska Streda vs. Spartak Trnava (Slovakia Super Liga), Orlando Pirates vs. Kaizer Chiefs (South Africa Premier)

10 to Track soccer matches for Globetrotting Friday 2/2

Today, Noobites, witness the first truly Q&D T2T.  The Noober worked some surprise overtime, then visited a fellow tournament Scrabble to spar with and prep him for a Scrabble tournament.

Noob spouts so much craziness here, I know you’ll feel like you’ll never know if it’s so. 🙂

  1. Melbourne City vs Melbourne Victory – Australia A-League — 2nd hosts 5th in intracity rivalry.

RESULT:   Victory   1-2

B.  Velje vs. Thisted – Denmark First Division— … which is their second tier league.   #1 hosts #

RESULT:   0-0

3.  SJK vs. VPS – Finnish FA Cup — Group stage

RESULT:   SJK   1-0

4.  Clermont Foot vs. Reims – Ligue 2 — 5th hosts 1st as they battle to get promoted.

RESULT:   Foot   2-1

5.  Australia vs. Portugal – Algarve Cup — Group Stage in this women’s iconic tourney. Lowest-ranked but host-Portugal gets a world power.

RESULT:   0-0

6. Tijuana vs. BUAP – Liga MX — 10 hosts 16th  Not super smexy, but we don’t ignore our neighbors.

RESULT:   Tijuana   3-1

7.  Raja Casablanca vs. Ittihad Tanger – Morocco Botola Pro — 2nd hosts 1st!  ALWAYS smexy.

RESULT:   1-1

8. Porto vs. Sporting – Portugal Primeira  — 1st hosts 3rd Being a lien which I believe only gets to champion league entrants.

RESULT:   2-1

9. Al-Hilal vs. Al-Faisaly – Saudi Premiere — #1 vs #3

RESULT:    Hilal   1-0

10.  Kiyovu vs. Police – Rwanda National League — Why?  I am Noob!  1st hosts 6th.

RESULT:   Police   0-1      Upset!