Premier League Archives - Page 2 of 11

Isle of Sodor Premier League – matchday 34 (5/4) Preview

15 hospitalized as Championship club’s supporters turn on their own for singing “Wonderwall”

Isle of Sodor Premier League – IN REVIEW – matchday 33 (4/27-28): title race tightens, Relegation moves

Isle of Sodor Premier League – IN REVIEW – matchday 32 (4/13-14): Away teams reign, title race shifts

Isle of Sodor Premier League – matchday 31 (4/6-7) – Sun., #1 Dryaw hosts the Bad Boys of East Coast Diesel

Isle of Sodor Premier League – matchday 31 (4/6-7) – Sat., #17 tries to stay above the Drop Zone, hosting #3 trying to stay in the title race

Noob interview with Dryaw FC star striker Christopher Wilbertson. With wine. And authors. Weird again.

Isle of Sodor Premier League – matchday 30 (3/23-24) – Sun. #1 take on the FA Cup winners

Isle of Sodor Premier League – matchday 30 (3/23-24) – On Sat., #3 tries to stay in the race; Ffarquhar tries to stay up

National holiday on Isle of Sodor (no weekend matches 3/16-17). But they beat an old man with sticks, that’s fun.

Hello from Knapford! #2 KTFC is only a point behind league-leaders Dryaw FC. They host #4 Kirk Ronan today. The visitors are nine points back of 1st, title chances looking grim. Your Saturday Feature Match gets previewed further down.

Ah, does it feel good to be back back on the Isle, covering the league up close and personal after a Matchday spent stateside. The house sale is back on track there now. Noob will set up shop permanently on Sodor soon, hopefully in time for the summer’s second ever IoS FA Cup.

Sat., 5/4
T16 Ffarquhar vs. #5 Crovan’s Gate
#19 Arlesburgh Utd. vs. #20 Tidmouth City
#13 Vicarstown vs. #7 Wellsworth
#2 Knapford Town vs. #4 Kirk Ronan
T14 Brendam Harbor vs. T14 Castle Rolf

Sun., 5/5
T17 Ulfstead vs. #6 Junction & Sheds
#8 E.C.D. vs. #12 Marron
#1 Dryaw vs. #10 Suddery
#3 Peel Godred vs. #9 Glennock
T16 Ulfstead vs. #11 Lakeside

Image result for Knapford Town FC After weeks of title contenders not being able to string much success together, Knapford may have found their stride. 2-2-0 in their last four. They’re winning close, they’re winning in low and high-scoring affairs. That 2-3 road win over now-#3 Peel Godred was their match of the season.

Still, 3-2 home win over bottom-half Castle Rolf last week wasn’t exactly inspiring. Fans are telling themselves that was a trap game and that getting three points any which way was awesome. Perhaps they’re right….

Kirk Ronan, how are you still within double-digits of the table’s top? 2-2 in the last four isn’t awful at a glance. But that stretch started with a quirky back-to-back split against #19 Arlesburgh Utd. Last week’s 2-3 road win at top-half Glennock was admirable, but Noob doubts it washed away the bitter taste of an 0-7 loss to Marron right before the Easter break.

Noob’s call: Maybe Noob’s drinking the local Kool-Aid, to misuse the reference most folk do unknowingly, but I’m believing the trap game talk.

Image result for drinking the kool aid funny

Knapford Town got a win last week sandwiched between matches against top five clubs. No team is utterly dominating the league in its inaugural season. So that’s getting it done. With a shot at the top rung today, the team has looked hungry at practices, going at it with an edge all week.

Kirk Ronan have faded in the season’s final third. This is too tough a match for them on the road today. Knapford Town 5-2

May 1, 2019 – Ballahoo, Sodor

This season, MLS’ Minnesota United fans have adopted Oasis’ “Wonderwall” as their victory song of choice after matches won. [Here’s the sportbible.com article ].

Image result for brawl amateur soccer match fans While that may be working in Loon-land, things went catastrophically awry Tuesday night when some supporters of the Isle of Sodor’s Championship club Ballahoo A.F.C. tried singing it. 15 people ended up being treated after the ensuing brawl in the stands, with three still in intensive care at Vicarstown Memorial Hospital.

Image result for BFC soccer amateur crest So what happened? After Ballahoo’s 4-2 win over Cross-ny-Cuirn FC, some home supporters started singing “Wonderwall”. A few catcalls aside, the crooners continued unimpeded until the beginning the chorus.

Image result for woman on news for fighting Sheela Boyd, president of the creatively-named Ballahoo Supporters, had this to say after hiding her brass knuckles: “Many of us thought it was a joke and they’d stop. But we no more than heard, ‘Because maybeeeeeeey,’ and knew they were for real and that chorus had to be stopped.”

The offending fans were set upon by thrice as many others within seconds. Beers were dumped on the offending culprits as they were punched, kicked, and carried to the back of the small stands. There, they were each dropped about seven feet.

Noob spoke with Ballahoo A.F.C. club prez Martyn Stevenson by phone, who had this to remark:

"Ballahoo, like so much of east-central Sodor, have seen a lot of Mancunian's move here in recent years, despite historically only being a dormitory town.  The supporters who were attacked are believed to be mostly or entirely comprised of Manchester transplants.

We welcome them.   But they should've left their Oasis fanboyishness back in the Kingdom.  Look, we understand the band is considered iconic there.   The instrumentation is superb.   The production choices they made for studio albums were concrete and admirable.   But Liam Gallgher's singing is unbearable to anyone with an ear.

Ethel Merman.  Stevie Nicks.   Both Brooks and Dunn.  Liam Gallagher.  There's your top four list of most awful, nasally singers the Lord God saw fit to create.   We will never know why, as His ways are higher than ours."

Isle of Sodor FA Preident Abban Clague announced the FA’s swift punitive decision of Ballahoo FC:

Image result for Liam Gallagher tambourine “Ballahoo FC will be docked one point in the table. Dumping beer on anyone is wasteful, alcohol abuse. Liam Gallagher’s singing is terrible and his tambourine-playing is marginal at best.”

Clague then dropped the mic, though whether by intention or accident is unconfirmed.

Nothing changed in the table’s top ten this weekend (except for a tie for 8th being broken).

Yet EVERYTHING changed in the table’s top ten this weekend. Here’s a smexy link to the updated table, which is also always available under the “More Noobishness” Pages on this site.

Sat., 4/27
#3 Peel Godred 6 vs. 2 #19 Arlesburgh Utd.
#1 Dryaw 1 vs. 6 #11 Lakeside
#7 Wellsworth 14 vs. 10 #16 Brendam Utd.
#6 Junction & Sheds 1 vs. 5 #8 E.C.D.
#17 Ulfstead 1 vs. 0 #4 Crovan’s Gate

Sun., 4/28
#9 Glennock 2 vs. 3 #5 Kirk Ronan
#2 Knapford Town 3 vs. 2 #12 Castle Rolf
#14 Brendam Harbor 3 vs. 7 #14 Marron
#20 Tidmouth City 5 vs. 6 #15 Vicarstown
#10 Suddery 2 vs. 7 T17 Ffarquhar

Review Highlights

 * #1 Dryaw FC - minus freakily injured star striker Christopher Wilbertson  - lose again to Lakeside A.F.C. 

* #B Knapford Town and #3 Peel Godred each win, now trail Dryaw by just one and two points in the table, respectively. 

* Ulfstead and Ffarquhar both win, dropping Brendam United into the Relegation Zone.

Image result for Lakeside FC crest The key match of the weekend turned out to be Dryaw’s home loss to Lakeside A.F.C. The league leaders were missing star striker Christopher Wilbertson. Was it the difference? Hard to say. Sodor’s “L.A.F.C” held them to just one goal in their other match this season, too.

So what happened? Dryaw kept their injury news on the D-L. Not hard, considering Noob – your exclusive source for all things IoS PL – returned stateside for Easter.) It was holiday disaster for Wilbertson.

The club held an Easter egg hunt on the stadium grounds a week ago Saturday. Wilbertson won. And he celebrated as he celebrates everything, once again trying to perfectly re-create the famous Klinsmann Dive. His luck finally ran out, as he whiplashed his neck to the point of needing over a week off.

Image result for Klinsmann dive sodor Does Noob keep recycling the same photo for this guy, post after post?

Maybe Wilbertson just always does this exactly the same way.

Image result for soccer easter egg hunt

(But at least call the kids got participation prizes!)

Wilbertson is expected to return next week for Dryaw’s home match versus #6 Junction & Sheds. Noob will have updates as warranted as I am returning to the Isle midweek.

Sat., 4/13 [The Featured Match, which was previewed, is in bold]
#7 E.C D. 1 vs. 6 #8 Wellsworth
#19 Tidmouth City 4 vs. 13 #10 Suddery
#11 Lakeside 1 vs. 5 #1 Dryaw
#5 Kirk Ronan 0 vs. 7 T14 Marron
T16 Ffarquhar 0 vs. 4 T14 Brendam Harbor

Sun., 4/14
#4 Crovan’s Gate 3 vs. 5 #20 Arlesburgh Utd.
T16 Ulfstead 1 vs. 2 #9 Glennock
#18 Brendam Utd. 6 vs. 5 #13 Vicarstown
#6 Junction & Sheds 7 vs. 2 #12 Castle Rolf
#2 Peel Godred 7 vs. 8 #3 Knapford Town

[The updated table is under the “More Noobishness” Pages. Smexy link. ]

Review Highlights:  

*  Knapford Town moves into 2nd, dropping Peel Godred to 3rd

*  Dryaw wins again, remains four points clear of #2

*  New last place team!

*  A tie for 16th forces IoS FA to announce how they will handle possible end-of-season tie in the table

What a crazy weekend on the Isle. In addition to the highlights above, seven away teams won. Suddery blasted sad sacks Tidmouth City for 13 goals. And Brendam United climbed out of the Relegation Zone, leaving two teams tied on the Cutline. This last forced FA prez Abban Clague to release a long-awaited statement regarding possible ties in the table at season’s end:

Should two or more teams tie for 1st, they’ll have a Playoff at the national stadium in Suddery. The same will be true if there is a tie surrounding the Relegation Line. No other form of tiebreaker will be used. This includes Goal Differential, despite pressure from our cousins in the English FA to follow their model.

Why? For our new international audience: On the Isle, when a team is down in a match, it is considered poor form to stop trying to score, to shut the game down to keep the final margin small. That’s not fun.

So we start our new era of nationally organized soccer by honoring this tradition. Victory will be rewarded, but not the margins. And if our cousins across the Walney don’t like it, they can mizzle for all of me! *mike drop*

Why Mr. Clague thought a mike drop worked in writing is beyond Noob. Sodor is a strange place ofttimes.

Oh yeah, and that Feature Match between Peel Godred and Knapford Town? All 15 goals were scored in the first half. Over the second half, 11 shots found woodwork. Twice, shots hit the crossbar and a post before plinking away from net. It was odd beyond belief. By game’s end, everyone was creeped out and quiet. Noob’s just not ready to talk about it. I miss drinking in Dryaw with my friends.

Image result for sobriety sucks

Matchday 31 (Sun., 4/7) preview (Sat.’s match previews precede this post)

#9 Glennock vs. #16 Ulfstead
#4 Crovan’s Gate vs. #10 Suddery
#5 Kirk Ronan vs. #20 Arlesburgh Utd. (5-0 AU)
#13 Marron vs. T14 Vicarstown (8-6 M)

plus the Sunday feature match #1 Dryaw vs. T7 East Coast Diesel

Season-long followers of IoS PL coverage might assume Noob simply camped out in Dryaw for yet another week. It was tempting, this being a little Paris of sorts, an idyllic haven for writers and intellectuals and all sorts of unscrupulous rabble. Image result for Doug Barr But my best friends American author Daniel J. Heck and Doug Barr (1980’s TV “The Fall Guy”, screenwriter and vintner) both hopped back across the pond. Saturday’s feature match was in Brendam, and so there I b&b’ed for the week.

But now Noob’s back, baybeeeeeee. And the mood in town Noob sensed Saturday night was surely odd. Naturally, everyone’s riding a wave of elation that Dryaw’s been leading the league for weeks upon weeks. And they now lead by four – not a huge cushion, but a little margin for error’s been managed.

Yet there’s no mistaking an air of worry here. Two matchdays weekends ago, E.C.D. Image result for east coast diesel crest stormed back from a 2-6 deficit to earn a draw in the Walney Channel Derby. This team that had muddled through just an ok season went back to their pre-Premier League identity, as one that plays seriously rough defense. Remember: even moderately hard defense has always been considered uncouth historically.

Yes, Dryaw supporters are scared. Worried about the result, sure. But terrified of their players getting mauled. In the second half of that derby two weeks ago, Diesels earned 10 yellow cards in as many minutes. They then cruised the following matchday to a 4-2 road win over Marron that was not as close as the score indicates. They even retook their official 2018-19 team photo. They look haunted and angry.

Image result for mean amateur soccer team photo

So since reclaiming their identity, they’re 1-1-0 and have outscored opponents 8-2 over the last three halves. Dryaw, meanwhile, are 2-2 in their last four. They’ve been more offensively-minded over this stretch, but who knows how many easy chances they’ll be able to muster today now that the Bad Boys are back.

Noob calls it: I think E.C.D. are going to control the pace. That said, the FA folks seem none too pleased with Diesels’ re-finding of their brutally physical style.

Noob’s not suggesting they’ve given explicit marching orders to the refs to keep the game Sudric-clean, but some sort of message has gone out. They’d like to see their unique brand of football take hold and get a little international attention as time goes on. The call: 2-2

The title race stays scalding hot.

Having no major landmass to the near west of it, Sodor catches the brunt of truly severe storms. Last weekend, the Isle got gobsmacked by one, so all games were postponed and the remaining season’s schedule simply shifted back a week.

Matchday 31 (Sat., 4/6) Preview (Sunday preview to follow tomorrow)

#18 Ffarquhar vs. #11 Lakeside
#6 Junction & Sheds vs. #8 Wellsworth
#12 Castle Rolf vs. #19 Tidmouth City
#2 Knapford Town vs. #14 Brendam Harbor

plus the Saturday Feature Match #17 Brendam Utd. vs. #3 Peel Godred

This should be one dandy of a match, full of desperate energy. United are just one slot in the table and one point ahead of #18 Ffarquhar – the Relegation line. PGFC are tied for 2nd, but four points behind league-leading Dryaw FC. [Click here for the current table.] Neither can afford to drop any points in pursuit of their respective goals with just a couple months of season remaining.

Image result for Boleyn fc crest United were featured in the Brendam Derby back in February and that brought them no good fortune whatsoever. There got utterly trucked, 7-0, by intracity rivals Brendam Harbor. Their trajectory, their problems have remained the same. They absolutely cannot score. On Sodor, where defense is typically an afterthought, that’s confusing and unmanageable. They’ve scored all of two goals in their last four matches, going 0-1-3, are in real danger of the Drop.

Noob had the sense coming into this inaugural Premier League season that B-Utd. were going to be competitive, maybe even title-chasers. Brendam’s one of the big, main towns on the Isle. They’ve always done well in the friendlies, tourneys and small regional leagues that have popped up up for brief times here over history. But I failed to realize that much more recently, the power had shifted to Harbor.

“United” was named such for the traditional reason. They are an amalgamation of former, much smaller teams from just inland. They do draw from Brendam Town, but more and more Harbor has been becoming the “city’s team”. B-Utd. has had to become mostly a provincial team, drawing much more heavily from the countryside population for players. That area of this southern peninsula is not populous, even by Sudric standards.

United want to become rivals to Harbor once again. For that to happen though, they’ll need to remake inroads into Brendam proper, expand the player pool from which they draw. Until then, they will likely continue to struggle mightily.

Image result for PGFC crest Peel Godred were featured just last matchday, so Noob will abbreviate. [Click here for that PGFC match feature article.] They’re 2-0-2 in their last four. And they need to string together wins in back to back matches for the first time in a while if they want to become the #1 contender to Dryaw.

Noob calls it: Peel Godred 1-6 Peel’s style is unique on Sodor, and so more recognizable to the rest of the world. They actually play some standard formations instead of throwing everyone forward all the time. That gives teams here fits, and has been particularly disastrous for teams in the table’s lower half. Noob’s generous to write United might score at all.

Wed., March 28, 2019 – Dryaw, Sodor –

Ah, Dryaw. Noob’s favorite place on the Isle. The village is a haven for writers and intellectuals, and cool as s**t people from Sodor and beyond. I’ve been lingering since last weekend’s Premier League feature match here.

Noob had just finished a meal at Joseph Tidy’s. I’d been dining with my usual suspect-friends – American author Daniel Heck and 80’s TV Star (“The Fall Guy”), screenwriter and current vintner Doug Barr Image result for Doug Barr — as well as hard science fiction writer and PhD in astrophysics Alastair Reynolds and his lovely wife Noordwijk. In stumbled a desperately forlorn Christopher Wilbertson – leading scorer and resident nutjob for IoS PL’s #1 Dryaw FC.

2002 Hollywood & Vine Cabernet Sauv 2480 What could be troubling him? Interview time. I excused myself from my dinner companions, swiping the last full bottle of Barr’s Hollywood and Vine Cellars 2002 vintage cab sav ‘2480’ off the table. Heck and Reynolds could argue whether the latter’s space-swashbuckly Revenger was high-end kids lit or straight sci-fi without Noob.

Image result for Alastair Reynolds holding Revenger (For the record, if the protagonist/s is/are young and the plot has no loops and any prominent adult characters are neutered of real power, it’s kid lit. If no, than not.)

So I waved an already half-sluiced Wilbertson over to another table. He had a small smile for the only journo providing international coverage for Sudric soccer, but slumped upon sitting. Noob filled his glass and C-Dub went on the record:

Wilbertson: Kane may not be in it for the money, but I could surely use a windfall someday. Do you know what we get paid here? Do you even know what the currency of Sodor is?

Noob: Did I somehow miss half a conversation?

Wilbertson: Since I'm not as famous as that giant-headed Haley Joel Osment-looking diva, I even kept my dream more realistic than Kane's. I set my sights on the American Alliance of Football.

Noob: Riiiight. I can't believe Harry Kane says he wants to kick in the NFL someday. [read the ESPN FC article] Man-crush on Tom Brady has to be big in that equation. So, you were going to shoot for the upstart AAF, a developmental league.

Wilbertson: They're only weeks into their first season and already talking about folding. [Read the ESPN.com article] Like they didn't know until now the NFLPA might be a little resistant to sending its younger players anywhere else. Pshaw.

Noob: Well, maybe the XFL will have better luck next year than they did in 2001.

Wilbertson: The whowha?

Noob: WWE's Vince McMahon started a league in 2001, was to be all wrestling-esque and fun. But it crapped out after a season.

Wilbertson: I could even play defense in a league like that! You've seen my signature goal-celebrating move.

Noob: The famous Klinsmann Dive you're always trying to recreate.

Wilbertson: Trying? Asshat.

Noob: We can still be friends.

Wilbertson: Just imagine the Dive, but now someone from the other team under me. I can kick and tackle in the fake-Wrestleball. Hope lives!

Noob: They prefer “fixed” to “fake”. And in this XFL incarnation, they're going to try to be a regular old developmental league.

Wilbertson: That sounds like it will be awful.

Noob: It will be.

Wilbertson: You are a bringer of ill news, Noob. Be gone. Leave the vino.

And so I left Christopher Wilbertson openly weeping into his wine glass, so many other questions still rattling in my skull:

Would this affect his Premier League play going forward? If so, could it cost Dryaw FC the title? Did the XFL really plan on being boring as all get-out? Could I get Doug Barr to put out a kick-ass syrah next growing sesason? What’s Lee Majors doing now? How will Noob end this oh-so-strange, meandering interview piece?

Image result for vince mcmahon confused gif

There’s one answered.

Matchday 30 (Sun., 3/24) Preview

#2 Knapford Town vs. #15 Vicarstown
#4 Crovan’s Gate vs. #11 Castle Rolf
#13 Marron vs. T7 E.C.D.
#6 Wellsworth vs. #18 Ulfstead

Plus the Sunday Feature Match: #1 Dryaw hosts #14 Brendam Harbor

Hello from village Dryaw! Noob usually attends both the weekend’s Feature Matches. But no way I was going to interrupt my stay in Dryaw this week. The preview’s a’comin’, but first, indulge Noob’s small peek into my long-term, part-time life here.

For those newer to all things Sodor, Dryaw’s a sizable village in the west central part of the Isle. West and south along the coast are three of the large towns, all easy gets for finer dining. Just east – estates, B&B’s, wine country. And so, it’s become a haven for writers, whether for short vacation, extended stays, or even permanent residence.

Noob’s been hanging and imbibing with his usual pair o’ pals. American novelist Dan Heck (Google up his books, or even his new blog-archive of all things championships of all kinds) came for the week. Image result for Doug Barr So did Douglas Barr, costar of 1980’s TV’s “The Fall Guy”. Actor, writer, director, vintner – we’re all becoming best friends, it’s true. He brought some of his newly available 2002 “2480 ” cab sav from his Hollywood and Vine Cellars. Behhhst frehhhhnds. So, Noob’s got more than a bit of a katzenjammer working as he writes tomorrow’s preview.

Sportsball! Ok. Dryaw still lead Knapford by two in the table and Peel Godred by four (Peel’s Sat. result pending). This, despite being just 1-1-2 their last month. The road loss last week in the capital against midtable Suddery was a surprise. Will they re-find their offense again today? They’ve proven they can win high-and low-scoring affairs alike, but one goal is rarely going to get you any points on the Isle.

Image result for BHFC crest Brendam Harbor won the inaugural FA Cup this past summer, but surprisingly have not followed that up with a strong first PL season. They’re just 14th in the table. Being from one of the “main towns” on the Isle, they were certainly considered a league fave even before winning the Cup.

They’re one of the few teams on Sodor that play a reasonable semblance of defense. They’ve certainly had their share of strong games on that regard, but when teams score much at all against them, the Harbormen have rarely shown they can compete in a shootout. Motivation may start to become a question. They’re safe from Relegation, yet have little hope of competing for a top-half table finish.

Noob calls it: Dryaw 5-1 Dryaw’s been excellent at home, for the most part. And they’ll be plenty motivated. They know Knapford and Peel Godred also have home dates this weekend, matches against bottom half teams.

Matchday 30 (Sat., 3/23) Preview (Sunday preview to follow tomorrow)

#20 Arlesburgh Utd. vs. #5 Kirk Ronan
#19 Tidmouth City vs. T7 Junction & Sheds
#16 Brendam Utd. vs. #12 Lakeside
#10 Suddery vs. #9 Glennock

Plus the Saturday Feature Match: #3 Peel Godred hosts #17 Ffarquhar

Deja vu all over again! They played two weeks ago and face off again today. Ffarquhar took the W at home, 5-3. But this week we get to learn a little more about a new host town.

Image result for PGFC crest Welcome to “Peel”, at is referred more often than not, locally. The small town lies in the north central part of Sodor. It’s more or less the northern terminus for the train system that’s been fictionalized in the “Thomas” stuff.

It’s not a town of particular note, though truly a town in Sudric terms, as opposed to a village. Aluminum factory. Small lake nearby. But there are lots of villages close at hand, and the folks there have chosen to feed their best players into PGFC, instead of fielding their own, smaller possible Championship clubs.

Peel sit just four points behind league-leading Dryaw FC. While not defensive aggressively (almost no club on Sodor is), Peel are an interesting case. They tend to not throw everyone forward, all the time, like so many here do. Instead, they actually play formations more common in soccer the world over, especially preferring the 5-2-2-1, then trying to score on counters.

The last month, they’re 2-1-1. Staying afloat is fine, but they can’t afford to drop any points hosting a team fighting the Relegation riptide, not at home, not if they are going to win the league.

Image result for FFFC football crest Last week’s victory over PG, coupled with Ulfstead‘s matchday 29 loss, put the Double F back above the Relegation line by a point. It was their first win in a month, a stretch that included a loss to Ulfstead. Since Ulfstead faces their own stern road test today (at Wellsworth), it wouldn’t be surprising to see this turn into a defensive affair. A draw should be enough to keep FF out of the Drop Zone for at least one more week.

Noob calls it: 4-3 Peel Godred If Ffarquhar don’t play there usual game (slightly more offensively-oriented than average), PG will win. They’re a team that takes advantage of others’ mistakes and FF will make some if they stray from their usual style.

League Champions

Knapford Town

Peel Godred

Kirk Ronan

I Image result for Ides of March modern celebration n recognition of March 15 as a national holiday on Sodor, no football matches in either of the Premier League or Championship were scheduled for this weekend. Yes, the Ides of March are quite the spectacle here, thanks to the longstanding ancient Roman influence on the Isle.

It is also known as the Festival of Anna Perenna, and the related celebration is held in Vicarstown. The Ides was once the first full moon of the Roman new year. As a sort of a scapegoat ritual for the new year, the oldest man in Vicarstown is dressed in animal skins and and is beaten with reeds by everyone and chased across the Jubilee Bridge into Barrow, Cumbria, England. He may not return until the next year’s Ides.

2018 Ides of March scapegoat Aemon Collymore

(That look is priceless. He hadn’t heard 101 year-old John Culken passed away the night before. The townies decided to surprise him mere minutes before releasing him in the town square for his beating, chase, and long vacation.)

Before you go feeling too badly for the fellow, he gets to rest and recuperate on Sudric taxpayers’ dime. Traditionally – over the last 125 years, anyway – he convalesces at The Imperial Hotel. Once rested, the geezer usually does “walkabout” of England or even greater Europe.

Image result for imperial hotel barrow in furness

Games resume next Saturday!