’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Saturday (9/1) – and working on a theme song

“Soccer Noob rockin Amuricuuuhhh! /

Mini-previews!  *clap clap* /

Insight!  *clap clapclap* /

O.K.notreallythatsecondwuuhhhhn!   /  *crickets*

Soccernoob rockin’ Amur-I-CUHHH!”

  1. Seattle Sounders vs. Sporting Kansas City – Major League Soccer

Really, Track match No. 1 is all MLS.   This might be the most intriguing matchup, but all but two slated for today met Noob’s standards of high interest.  Good you up some ‘Muricuhn action today, Noobites.

Those goldurn Sounders Noob reviles so have won seven straight.  The first half of their season was so pitiful that this now has them in just a tie for the last Playoff berth (6th) in the Western Conference. They Haven’t allowed multiple goals in a match since their last loss.  On June 30th.

Tenured-Noobites will recall that Noob’s first exposure to a hardcore ‘Muricuhn soccer fan was a douchebag TA in college who was a bandwagon-jumping Seattle supporter.   And I’d still be rooting alongside The Management for KC today, given his ties to that area.  But the Sounders’ turnaround has been simply epic.  Much respect.

Sporting could do absolutely nothing right in July.  Noob would’ve best against them hosting mid-table FC Seoul (picked as a nod to The Management’s current business trip).   But now they’ve won four in a row themselves, are only a point or two from retaking 1st place back from FC Dallas.  They haven’t allowed ANY goals over that stretch.

This match might be a defensive slugfest.   But it’s going to be more than worth the view.  4:00 PM EST today online with ESPN+ or broadcast on Univision Deportes.

RESULT:   Seattle   3-1       So much for defense.  KC scored at 2′, though it was all Sounders after that.

B.  Cincinatti vs. Pittsburgh Riverhounds – United Soccer League

Yup.  We’re shifting to a second-division matchup instead of a second MLS one.  We’ll spread our love through multiple leagues.

And it is a doozy.  Cinci has all but wrapped up the Eastern Conference.  No surprise, as they’re making the move to MLS next year.

Meanwhile, Pittsburgh is in a tie for #B!   Noob adds the exclamation point because they’ve flown under my radar all year.   They were near the very bottom of the standings last season.  They couldn’t score then, and they don’t do much of it now.  But they’ve conceded just 14 goals all season.  To quote Tom Cruise from “The Firm”, “It’s not sexy, but it’s got teeth.”

You know, I never found that line quite so disturbing as I do now.  Must be seeing it written.

RESULT:   Cinci   2-1      But Pitt made them work for it.   FCC got it’s two goals in the last 10 minutes of regular time.

Image result for tom Cruise weird

 

Cruise without teeth.

Good LAWD.   This was an error in judgement.

Should’ve put in a Number B-image.

  1. Leon vs. UNAM Pumas – Liga MX

One of the radio hosts I listen to regularly pronounces the “MX” letters as they would be in Spanish.

We’re in Amuricuh.  We can say just “em. ecks.”   It’ll be fine.

(tied-for-8th versus tied-for-5th)  (8:00 PM, ESPN Deportes)

RESULT:   Pumas   1-2         Felipe Mora with a pair of goals

  1. Chelsea vs. AFC Bournemouth – English Premier League

Leicester City hosting Liverpool might have a shade more cache, but Noob’s giving the edge to his Fighting Cherries!  Given that they’re one of the three matches being given stateside TV coverage (10:00 AM, NBCSN).

Chelsea have been electric on offense in their first three matches, winning them all.  Bournemouth should’ve beaten Everton to get a third win, too, after they’d gone a man up.  My guys will do well to get a draw at one of the mammoth-budgeted teams grounds today.

RESULT:   Chelsea   2-0       Noob has read and heard some are encouraged by AFCB’s keeping the match scoreless most of the way.  I say you’ll rarely if ever get a result possessing the ball just 27% of the game.  Oy veh.

Image result for aFC bournemouth funny

 

Guys!   I’m pretty sure “standing on one’s head” is an expression regarding goalies.

Noob is worried.

  1. Washington Spirit vs. Sky Blue – National Women’s Soccer League

Four of the eight teams make the postseason.  These two have been out of the running all summer.  So why Track it?   It’s the only domestic top-flite ladies’ match today.  Also, Sky Blue is running out of chances to get their first win of the season.  This may be as close as they get.

RESULT:      ppd

  1. France vs. Mexico – international women’s friendly

France are the host country for the 2019 women’s World Cup, so they’re not having to play in the UEFA qualifying tournament.  Mexico needs the tuneup before they enter at the final stage of the CONCACAF qualifying event going on now.

They are ranked #3 and #25, respectively, by FIFA.  (3:00 PM, TV5MONDE)

RESULT:   France   4-0       Eugenie Le Sommer with two goals in the second half

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They must wait, Inigo.  

We must all wait sometimes.

  1. Iceland vs. Germany – UEFA women’s World Cup qualification

Germany are #3 in FIFA and ranked #1 in Europe.  Yet they trail Iceland by a point in their Group table with just two matches left to play.  Only the winners automatically qualify, and only about half the runners-up will get to vie for one last berth in their own mini-tournament.

Iceland are only ranked 29th in the world.  But they upset Germany on the road 2-3 in the first match they played of this double-round robin.   Germany must get at least a draw today, or they could be sitting at home for WC 2019.

RESULT:   Germany   0-2       Svenja Huth with two scores

  1. Slavia Prague vs. Viktoria Plzen – Czech First League

I was just reading up today on the 80’s-90’s new jack swing group ‘Wreckx-n-Effect”.  Checking oneself before the possibility of wrecking oneself comes recommended, by them and Noob both.  Safety first.

What I did not know was that the group’s name originally was not spelled with an X in it.  That was only added after one of their members was shot, symbolic of his absence.

(League #1 versus #2)

RESULT:   Slavia Prague   4-0      S.P. take over 1st now on GD.   Tomas Soucek scored twice.  Plzen had a tough go of it after going down to ten men in the 1st half (red card).

Image result for wreckx n effect

 

 

 

Rest in Power, Brandon Mitchell.

  1. Consadole Sapporo vs. Vissel Kobe – Japan J1 League

4th versus 5th doesn’t quite match Noob’s criterion coming out of an 18-team league.   But The Management must be appeased.  Since he’s a Japanophile, Match Nine is a sop to him.

Only the top three from Japan make the AFC Champions League.  With the season 2/3 over, this isn’t quite and elimination match, but both sides will likely play like it’s one.  And they should.

Neither has quite the defense to match up properly with the top three teams, yet Noob thinks both teams will be tight and we’ll have a low-scoring affair here today.

RESULT:   Sapporo   3-1      Kobe lost a player to a red card right at the half.

  1. Metz vs. Lens – France Ligue 2

At time of scouting, this was a 1-2 matchup.  But Niort just climbed to #B in the table as Noob was writing, so it’s #1 versus #3. But Niort have played one or two more games than these clubs, so they’re cheaters and we’re Tracking this. ?

I thought about going back and featuring Columbus vs. NYCFC.  But variety is the spice of life.  And since there’s spice, we’re letting the French cook.  Not Ohioans.

Last season in Ligue 1, an attacking side of The Management, Dan the former Intern-o Inferno and I could’ve scored on Metz.  And so they finished last and were unceremoniously Relegated.  Lens were a bottom-feeder in this league, but stayed afloat with enough draws.

And look at them now!  Metz says they’re ready to go right back up, are 5-0-0, scoring at will.    Lenz have yet to let anyone score on them.  Viva la France!  Top three will all get automatically Promoted to Ligue 1 at season’s end.

RESULT:   Metz   2-0      It’s a Track full of red cards!   Lens lost a man mid-first half.

Image result for cathedrale st etienne metz stained glass

So long from Metz, Lorraine!

Cathedrale St. Etienne – home of perhaps the world’s broadest stained glass collection.

’10 to Track’ Jetsetting Friday soccer matches – women’s US national team leads the way

Once Globetrotting Friday, Friday’s our now “Jetsetting”!

— Noob, is their a content difference?

Nope.   We’re still starting close to home, then embarking on travels to soccer hinterlands the world over.   New-to-us clubs, leagues, and Fun Facts abound.

— You know “jetset” isn’t a real verb, right?

That hurts Noob.  Let’s carry on.

  1. USA vs. Chile – women’s international friendly

Friendly or not, US National Teams will pretty much always take top billing on the Track!

Right now, it’s all about tuning up for the 2019 World Cup.  The Amuricuhns are FIFA-ranked #1, Chole #39.   You can catch all the action live from Carson, CA (greater L.A.) at 11:00 PM on ESPN2 – “The Hot Deuce”.

RESULT:   USA   3-0

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Speaking of, Clint “Deuce” Dempsey just retired.

B.  Louisville FC vs. Charleston Battery – United Soccer League

The top eight in each division will make the Playoffs and the top four will get at least one round of home pitch advantage.

Defending champs Louisville are #B in the East.  They’re nine points off Cinci’s pace, so they’re looking to stay where they are.  Charleston are #4, with two clubs hot on their heels.

Neither team is exactly on fire lately.  LFC looked fine until a jaw-dropping 1-4 loss to last place Toronto II.  The Battery have only won one of their last five matches, and that against second-to-last place Atlanta II.

Noob thinks LFC’s typically overpowering offense nets them the W today.   It’s my theory they started the equipment staff and ticket takers last outing.

RESULT:   2-2       All goals scored in the first half

Image result for letter B on fire

 

 

If either team does go up, Number B has teamed with Paw Patrol arts and crafts division to help out.

  1. Monarcas Morelia vs. Queretaro – Liga MX

Noob loves the half-season annual formats in Mexico!  When each is just 17 matches, every single one counts that much more.  They’re seven into the 2018-19 Apertura (first half-season) now.  Morelia are #4, Queretaro in a three-way tie for 5th.

The Monarchs have only managed draws their last two league matches, plus they lost at home to lowly Guadalajara in the current Copa MX.  The defense just isn’t quite there.  Queretaro, meanwhile, have won three straight shutouts, highlighted by a shiny road win over UNAM Pumas.

If Brazilian international goalkeeper Taigo Volpi can keep this or anything close to it up, Queretaro will vie for the top of the table soon.

Fun Fact:   One of Morelia’s nicknames is “The Purepechas”, named for a local indigenous group.

RESULT:   Queretaro   1-4

  1. Wales vs. England – UEFA women’s World Cup qualification

Reminder:  This tournament is in its second Group Stage Round.  The winners of each of the seven pods qualify for WC.  The four best runners-up play a mini-tournament for one last berth.

Wales leads England by one point in their Group table, but have played seven of their eight matches already.  This is just the seventh one for England.  They are ranked #29 and #4 by FIFA.  In the women’s game, that chasm is HYOOJ.

Wales have yet to allow a goal, but have only scored seven themselves.  England have outscored opponents 20-1 so far.  Brits by a goal on the road today.

RESULT:   England   0-3

Image result for welsh women's national football team 2018

 

 

Noob digs the Welsh first-colour home kits.

The second kits are just black.  Meh.

  1. Leeds United vs. Middlesbrough – English Championship League

Is it ever too early to start Tracking which teams from England’s second tier are in line for Promotion to Premier?  Well, yes.  Noob likes to wait five matches into a full-length season before turning on the spotlight.

And they’ve played five now!  Five clubs remain undefeated.  These two have also only been drawn once, and so are tied for 1st in points in the table.  Leeds was midtable last year, while Middlesbrough finished high enough to participate in the Playoff Promotion mini-tournament for a chance at the third berth.

Leeds have had far and away the best offense very early on.   Middlesbrough have won with the best defense.  No TV coverage Noob can find for this one this side of the pond.  But see if you can’t use your Google machine powers to get this one on the interwebs.

Fun Fact:   Since their founding in 1919, Leeds Utd. have only ever played at one home ground – Elland Road.

RESULT:   0-0        Noob heard there was a lot of physicality in this one

  1. Portmore United vs. Motagua – CONCACAF League

Reminder:  This is not CONCACAF “Champions” League.   The winner of this tournament gets a berth into the next one of those.   Many clubs from the Caribbean and Central American zones of our local federation duke it out in this one.

This is the second leg of this Quarterfinal tie.   Noob Tracked the first leg, too, and seemingly did not give Portmore their proper due!   On paper, Honduras’ top entrant is a heavy favorite over the domestic league-3rd place Jamaicans.  And things started down that road, with Motagua taking a 2-0 lead.  But Portmore caught up, only losing 2-3 on a goal at 90’+5.

Motagua should still advance, but golly United’s confidence has to be pretty high.

RESULT:   Motagua   0-2

Image result for ferdi neita sports complexFun Fact:  Portmore Utd. was founded as Hazard Utd., but changed names when relocating to Portmore to play here – the larger Ferdi Neita Sports Complex.

  1. Costa Rica vs. Panama – CONCACAF women’s World Cup qualifier

This is also the CONCACAF Championships for the gals.  The top three teams will all qualify for WC.  The 4th-place team will have a playoff with a CONMEBOL team for one more slot.

Also noteworthy:  Noob hadn’t realized until today that the Central American matches are being held in Bradenton, Florida at the IMG Academy.   Nicaragua had been selected for host site, but massive civil unrest is a big turnoff to the office folks.

Aaaaanywho.  These two are already mathematically qualified to advance to the Final Round of this event.  They’re tied in table points, though Costa Rica lead on goal differential.  Who wins this Group matters for seeding in that Final Round, so this match is significant.

Costa Rica are ranked #33 by FIFA, while Panama are one of many teams who don’t have the international experience to have even achieved a ranking.

Fun  Fact:   Despite only starting international play in 1990, Costa Rica’s is perennially one of the two top women’s national teams (along with Guatemala’s).

RESULT:   Costa Rica   3-1

  1. RoPS vs. Honka – Finland Veikkausliga

Now, let us venture to Northern Europe, where due to climate they’re already about ¾ through the league seasons.

RoPS is #B, but seven points behind defending champs HJK.  They can’t afford anything but wins at home, which makes #3 Honka coming to town uncomfortable.  That team scores like it’s going out of style.  Still, RoPS’ league-best defense can take care of business at home.

RESULT:   RoPS   2-1

Image result for so naughty funny

 

 

RoPS was caught up in a match-fixing scandal in 2013.

They’re still working out how to feel about it.

  1. Skenderbeu Korce vs. Laci – Albania Premier

We Tracked S.K. two Fridays ago and ogle them again today.  Noob’s still intrigued by the fact that they were banned from international European competition for ten years over alleged match-fixing.  What makes the ban novel is that the decision was based on gambling-related algorithms, not “hard facts”.

Still, they’re the perennial force in their domestic league, and if they’re giving a crap, should take down 4th-place Laci with moderate ease.

Fun Fact:   Korce’s club are nicknamed “The Snow Wolves”.

RESULT:   1-1

  1. Gaborone United vs. Extension Gunners – Botswana Premier

Noob hopes you didn’t think we’d finish our jetsetting without heading somewhere besides the North American region and Europe.  It’s Friday!

Botswana’s top league had some team or other net a CAF Champions League sometime recently.  They know actually will show up in the 2019-20 African rankings (at #28).  These two are last year’s 5th and 10th -place clubs.

Fun Fact:  Gaborone should be better, since they’re nation’s only professional club.

RESULT:   Gunners   1-2

Image result for Gaborone funny

 

 

So long from the “My African Dream” competition in Gaborone!

’10 to Track’ Midweek Edition soccer matches – an exhausted Noob says “mea culpa” for late Tuesday entry

Note:  Match previews and the usual inanity are now UP through Thursday.   And for Noob’s mea culpa, I have included two bonus match-previews.  Oh ho, you’re so welcome, interwebs!

Noob is human.  And so this is the latest into a day of matches I’ve ever posted a mini-previews.  16 hours on the job last night, I just couldn’t hold thoughts together long enough in last  night’s wee hours.

But this is a reason only, never an excuse.  If you’re interested and kind enough to be here, then Noob has happy obligation.

There were some interesting CAF Champions League matches earlier in the day.  Activate your Google powers to see how the end of the Group Stage of that event turned out.   Noob will pass on “previewing” them after the fact, start today with a match just in progress as I write.

  1. Bayern Munich vs. Chicago Fire – international friendly

Bayern are one of the best clubs in the world.  Chicago have been a line of port-o’-potties conflagration all MLS season.

Noob’s perfectly confused as to why this match is happening and at this time of season for both.  Bundesliga is just beginning and Chicago aren’t hoping to play up to this level of competition and suddenly become competent.  If they are, they are fools.   Let us not suffer such gladly.

RESULT:   Bayern   4-0

Image result for dumpster fire funnyNoob originally wrote “dumpster Fire” for the pun.

Noobites, never travel in a straight line.  And never settle 🙂

B.  Reno 1868 vs. Las Vegas Lights – United Soccer League

El Clasico.  El Trafico.  The Hudson River Derby.   Meet “The Gamblers Anonymous Derby”.  Help Noob in getting this one to catch on.

How?  Oh, I’ve no idea.

Reno are fighting for their playoff lives -tied for 6th – in the Western Conference.  Top eight will get to the postseason.  Clubs are really clumped in this part of the table.  Neither team has won in their last four outings.

RESULT:   Reno   2-1       Reno with the game-winner at 90′

Image result for letter B cartoon

 

Don’t you turn your back on Noob, Number B.  I made you!

Just because you didn’t like my derby name idea.   But I’m hurt, not angry.

  1. Tigres UANL vs. Morelia – Liga MX Femenil

Mexico’s women’s league plays two separate divisions.  These two are #B and #6 in theirs.

UANL is an offensive sight to behold.  Here in the early season goings, they’re averaging three goals per match.  Meanwhile, Morelia haven’t even managed to average one per contest.

RESULT:   Tigres   4-0

Wednesday

  1. D.C. United vs. Philadelphia Union – Major League Soccer

Since all-time great English striker Wayne Rooney came over to D.C. well into the season, they’ve been climbing out of the basement of the Eastern Conference.  Now in 8th – two spots out of a playoff berth – they finally were beaten.  There’s no shame in losing to #B New York Red Bulls on the road.

Still, if United are to really make the postseason, they’re going to have to beat some actual playoff-caliber sides.  They didn’t have to over their win streak.  They get another shot at one today.

The Union are in 5th and achieved some space between themselves and Montreal and New England with a win against the latter last time out.  Those three are realistically the ones fighting for the East’s last two postseason slots.

Philly’s Jamaican keeper Andre Blake has led the team to two consecutive shutouts.  He’s been anything but consistent this season.  But if he can be now, Blake can lean on excellent right side of his back line and focus himself more on the left, they will make the Playoffs.   (8:00 PM EST, ESPN+)

RESULT:   Philly   0-2       Charles Sapong with a goal and an assist

Image result for Andre Blake funny

 

“I beg of you, Noobites, how may I better keep goal and please you?”

  1. PAOK vs. Benfica – UEFA Champions League

Last year’s league runners-up meet for the second leg of their “Playoff Round” two-legged tie.  This is the last “qualification round” before the Group Stage, where the competition proper is said to really begin.

We Tracked the first match between this two.  PAOK went to Portugal, earned a 1-1 draw.  On paper, Benfica are the better side, coming from the stronger league.  But now they need to at least return the favor and earn a road draw of their own just to force penalty kicks.  And it can’t be just a scoreless draw, since PAOK scored at their place (away-goals being a tiebreaker).   (3:00 PM, Galavision)

RESULT:   Benfica   1-4

  1. Juarez vs. Toluca – Copa MX

The Apertura (first half-season) Cup tournament in Mexico chugs forward.  All the Liga MX teams and the ten best from the second-division Ascenso league have been playing double-Round Robins in their groups of three.  All the Group winners plus most of the runners-up will advance to the Knockout Stage.

Juarez are currently #B in the Ascenso, playing masterful defense.  This is their fourth and final match.  They’re unlikely to catch Tijuana and win the Group, but are very much alive to advance a a runner-up.

Toluca are in 8th in Liga MX right now.  The defense hasn’t been good, but the same has been true of nearly everyone there this season, strangely.  They’ve lost both their Copa Matches so far.  Still, if they wake up, they could storm back and advance as a runner-up.

Noob likes Juarez to kick the ball waaaaaay up into the air as early and often as possible, secure a low-scoring draw today.  That would eliminate Toluca.   (10:00 PM, ESPN Deportes)

RESULT:   2-2      Amaury Escoto of Toluca with the match’s first and last goals.   The latter came at 90′, a few minutes after his team went down a man due to a red card.

  1. Jeonbuk vs. Suwon Bluewings – AFC Champions League

Fun Fact:   This is the second year in a row that the defending title-holders are not in the event.  Urawa Red Diamonds out of Japan did not qualify this year.  The year before, Jeonbuk were disqualified over match-fixing.  Nawteeeeee.

Today’s match if the first of a two-legged Quarterfinal tie.  Defending South Korean league champs Jeonbuk take on their league peers who finished in 3rd.  Jeonbuk have already mathematically wrapped up the 2018 league title as well.  Meanwhile, Suwon are in 4th, need a surge there to crack the top three and qualify for this event next year.

Noob thinks the home side today will win by two.  Anything short of that and it’s a moral victory for the Bluewings.

RESULT:   Suwon   0-3       Bluewings told Noob to stow it with talk of a moral victory – WOW!

Image result for The Situation abs

 

“Just say Urawa Red Diamonds and I’m -back-!

As #1 supporter and (unofficial) spokesman, it’s my job to jump out and point at my abs. 

I wish Urawa was better this year, getting Tracked.  I desire to remind people where the sushi still goes.”

The Situation, everyone!

  1. Barcelona SC vs. CSD Macara – Ecuador Serie A

Noob finished today’s portion of the Midweek Track with my addiction – #1 versus #B matchups!   It doesn’t matter that this isn’t Brazil or Argentina.  Top two-top flite matches – Noob wishes to mainline them.  Sweet, sweet footyball fixxxxxx.

In truth, it must be admitted Macara are unlikely to remain near the table’s top.  They’ve overachieved here early in the season, are really of just midtable ability.  That will become clearer today.  Barcelona are the best in the league on both sides of the ball.   (7:3o PM, GOL TV)

RESULT:   1-1      Weird one.   Both teams lost players to red cards right at end of first half.

Image result for you can't handle the truth meme

 

 

Well, maybe not over Ecuadorian footyball.

 

Thursday

  1. Cuba vs. Bermuda – CONCACAF women’s World Cup qualification

Reminder:  This event is really the CONCACAF Women’s Championship.  It dually serves as WC quals.  And then they pass the savings on to YOU, Noobites.

Five teams from the Caribbean Zone survives the first round of qualifying, winning their pods.  Now those are battling in one single Group, out of which the top three will advance.  They’ll play a single round robin.  All matches are in Jamaica.

Cuba’s offense last stage was only exceeded by Trinidad and Tobago.  They’re in 3rd after two matches in this Round.   Bermuda’s only played once, an 0-4 loss to Jamaica. They didn’t exactly wow anyone last Round, with just a 6-4 GD.  Their FIFA rankings are #85 and #115, respectively.  Cuba should be favored by a goal at this neutral site affair.

RESULT:   Cuba   2-0

  1. Universitario vs. Herediano – CONCACAF League

Now we shift to the men’s game for our federation.  16 teams from the Central American and Caribbean zones play this knockout tournament to determine one entrant into the 2019 CONCACAF Champions League.

This is the second leg of a Quarterfinal match.  It shouldn’t be much of one, really.  Herediano out of Costa Rica should easily be a two-goal favorite, even on the road.  They won the first match 3-0.  Universitario aren’t even one of the ten best teams from Panama.

To give a sense of perspective, Herediano would be among the very favorites to win MLS.  Panamanian side Universitario might make the Playoffs.

The winner of this tie will advance to face Arabe Unido, the best team in Panama.

RESULT:   Herediano   1-2

Image result for perspective funny

 

 

 

Perspective is a funny thing.

  1. Sweden vs. Ukraine – UEFA women’s World Cup qualification

This is the Group Stage of a tournament to determine eight qualifiers for the 2019 World Cup.  And it’s nearly done.

The seven Group winners will all make WC.   The four best runners-up will then play a mini-tournament for one more invite.

With two matches to go, Sweden and Denmark are tied on points in the table, the former leading by just one in goal differential.  The runner-up from this bunch is likely to make the Playoff at least.   Ukraine are mathematically alive for possibly making the Playoff.  Barely.

These two are 11th and 24th-ranked by FIFA.    There’s less parity in the women’s game, so that’s a massive gulf.  Sweden will win, and by multiple goals wouldn’t be even a little surprising.

RESULT:   Sweden   3-0       And only because they let up after the half.

  1. Libertad vs. Boca Juniors – Copa Libertadores

South America’s Champions League is in it’s Round of 16.  Two-legged ties for everyone!

Seeding was based exclusively on Group Stage results.  Argentina’s Boca Juniors are #14, Libertad out of Paraguay #3.   But those numbers are misleading and then some.  Boca J won the first leg 2-0 at home.  And if today’s match were the first leg, Libertad would still be doing well do get a draw.

The winner of the tie will get one of two Brazilian teams, Cruziero or Flamengo.   (6:30 PM, Fox Deportes)

RESULT:    Juniors   1-2

Image result for Asuncion weird

 

So long from Asuncion, Paraguay, home of Club Libertad!

Castillo Pindu

’10 to Track’ Relegation Monday soccer matches – embracing the suckitude

A somewhat quick-and-dirtied Relegation Track today.  What can Noob say.  I have a real job, and occasionally it kicks me in the pants.

But we’re going to get to know a mess of clubs playing today who may soon find themselves kicked out of their current leagues.

Embrace the lost.  Reverse the suckitude!  Or something…

First!  Two matches of happier import.

  1. Manchester United vs. Tottenham Sir Topham Hatt Hotspur – English Premier

Noobites, Google you up some history on Harry Percy if you’re not in the know about this historic traitor.  Understand Noob’s contempt for Hostpur.   *shakes fist at Hotspur*

Oh, last year’s #B and #3 teams.  Harry Kane’s a tosspot for playing for Hotspur.  Neener.

RESULT:   Hotspur   0-3      Good LAWD

Image result for angry sir topham hatt

 

 

Hotspur makes Sir Topham Hatt very cross.

B.  Esteghlal vs. Al-Sadd – AFC Champions League

This is the first match of a Quarterfinal two-legged tie.  Based on Elo ratings from footballdatabase.com, this match about couldn’t be more even.  So give the Iranians the advantage for hosting today.  The Qatari side will host the second leg.

RESULT:   Al-Sadd   1-3

Image result for champion letter B

 

 

Number B – soccer now, soon displacing tired out Number Two in lists everywhere.

  1. Aalborg vs. Esjberg – Denmark Superliga

Esjberg are in 9th of 14 clubs.  Not nearly so many will actually be relegated, but this league is one that divided in half near regular season’s end.  The bottom half will play a Relegation Playout tournament.

If defense is a high virtue – and Noob believes it to be – Esjberg will remain in that bottom half.  They do score a lot with their wide open style, but give up even more.  Aalborg are in 4th.

Fun Fact:  Aalborg sports club currently sports a team in a game called “floorball”.

RESULT:   Esjberg   0-1

  1. Beroe vs. Botev Vrasta – Bulgaria First Pro League

Bulgaria’s top flight does the same as Denmark’s.  Vrasta are in 11th of 14 clubs.  Their GD isn’t terrible after just a half dozen matches, but the fact that they were only just promoted to this level belies trouble for them going forward.  Beroe are in 5th.

RESULT:   Beroe   4-0

POFC Botev Vratsa.png

 

 

Vrasta are “The Green Lions”.

And apparently they have opposable thumbs.  Which means they’ll take over the world.

  1. Fylkir vs. Grindavik – Iceland Urvalsdeild

Fylkir can almost taste the freedom.  They’re in second-to-last place, but only by virtue of one less in GD than Fjolnir.  Iceland will give two The Boot at season’s end.  And they might even be an even match at home today against 6th-place Grindavik.

Fun Fact:   Fylkir’s supporter group is named “Kiddi Tomm”, after a longtime former player.

RESULT:   Fylkir   3-1

  1. Start vs. Odds Ballklubb – Norway Eliteserien

Norway Demotes three teams and Start is in the middle of those.  It’s looking like those and Lillestrom are vying to be the one bad team that gets to stay in the top league.

Noob doesn’t like Start’s chances even at home against merely-10th place Odds.  Their guests’ stats would indicate this is a team that is likely to climb in the standings, not sink.

RESULT:   Odds   0-1

Image result for school of mackerel

 

Start’s usual style of play is nicknamed “mackerel football”.  Everyone is in a constant state of motion.

  1. Dalkurd vs. Hammarby – Sweden Allsvenskanliga

Dalkurd are tied for last.  Even if they climb a spot – and they’re four points out of that one – they’d still face a Relegation Playoffs with a second-division team.

Noob thinks they’re better than two teams ahead of them, and by rather a lot, actually.  But today won’t be a day they get to show it.  Hammarby bring the heat on offense, are #B in the league.

Fun Fact:  Dalkurd were founded by Kurdish diaspora.

RESULT:   Hammarby   2-3

  1. Zaglebie Sosnowiec vs. Slask Wroclaw – Poland Ekstraklasa

Poland’s Premier divide into the two subdivisions late in their season as well.  Both these clubs are mired deep in the bottom half here early.

Slask Wroclaw don’t score or give up much, are the more likely team of these two to climb out of the muck.  Z.S. are among the worst defenses to be found there.

RESULT:   3-3

Image result for Sosnowiec

  1. Voluntari vs. Universitatea Craiova – Romania Liga I

The “Twlight Saga” vampires – the movies are loosely based on Voluntari – are the only team yet to notch a win in the early season here.  (The Management typically here argues that this is not fact, that vampires aren’t real and that Noob is either a fool or a fibber.   I say if it’s on a movie screen, it’s REAL.  At least that makes movies much, much more fun to view.)

Craivoa are scuffling a little on offense, and only two spots higher in the table.  But they’re a solid club and will not get caught ion the bottom half of the league when it comes time for the league to divided into its two subdivisions.

RESULT:   Craiova   1-5

  1. Montana vs. Ludogorets II – Bulgaria Second League

We finish our Track today by revisiting Bulgaria!  The Ludogorets reserve team is in second-to-last, a Drop Zone slot.  They’ve given up more than two goals per match on average here in the early going.

10th-place Montana play small ball, and so have given up the fewest goals in the league this far.  the hosts should be considered a goal and a half favorite.

RESULT:   Montana   2-0

Image result for Razgrad funny

 

So long from Noob!   Sightseeing in Razgrad, Bulgaria (home of Ludogorets).

Ibrahim Pasha Mosque

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Sunday (8/26) – the best of footyball, home and abroad!

Noob tends to get more than a bit silly covering and learning about soccer.

Noobstradamus, in-house prognosticator.  Always fighting with The Management.  Screaming about Tottenham Hotspur being named for an historic traitor.  Lamenting teams from cities built on Swamps.  The quest to displace Number Two with Number B in all lists…

But weekends, things get (comparatively) serious.   End your weekend relishing in the umami-like rich goodness of Sunday’s mini-previews.  You’ll laugh a little, you’ll learn more.

Please considered following Noob on twitter: SoccerNoobUSA.com, and remmeber to check back for match results.

  1. Portland Timbers vs. Seattle Sounders – Major League Soccer

Rivalry Week has saved one of it’s heartiest hate-matches for last.  On top of the intra-regional malice, there’s a lot at stake.

Six from each conference make the Playoffs.  Right now, Portland sits in 6th, just two points up on Seattle.

Please, Timbers, turn things around!  Long-tenured Noobites may recall that my first ever experience with a hardcore soccer fan was a college TA/Sounders bandwagon jumper.  I want that wagon to fall off a cliff!  Noob may not be stable or normal, but I am consistent and sincere.

The problem is, Seattle’s been playing extraordinary ball for two months, not having lost a match since late June.  No one’s scored twice on them over this period. Portland, meanwhile, has lost three straight games.  Two of those were against teams not likely to make the Playoffs themselves.  Timbers have conceded nine goals in those matches.

If Portland are to do as they should, they’ve got to get the heart of their defense right.  International centerback Larrys Mabiala has been épouvantable, while goalkeeper Jeff Attinella has been just as abysmal.   (9:30 PM EST, FS1)

RESULT:   Seattle   0-1

Image result for larrys Mabiala funny

 

Larry’s started believing he’s Keanu Reeves in “The Matrix”.

May be the issue.

B.  New York Red Bulls vs. D.C. United – Major League Soccer

English all-time great Wayne Rooney has been everything D.C. could’ve dreamt.  Since he’s arrived midseason, they’ve won five, drawn one, and lost no matches.  They’re still six points out of the six and final Playoff slot in the East, but are now 8th.  Given that they were in the basement for the entire first half of the season, that’s incredible.

The Red Bulls were playing like the league’s best team midsummer.  And they haven’t lost in their last four outings.  And they’re still #B in the conference.  Still, are they fading a tiny bit?  Road draws against NYCFC and non-playoff Vancouver are okay.  A workmanlike road win against awful Chicago is good enough, just.  A close home win over good-but-fading-themselves LAFC…

Maybe it’s just the road being hard.  Yes, Noob’s imagining NYRB’s imminent demise.   (7:00 PM, FS1)

RESULT:   NYRB   1-0

Image result for imagine letter BNumber B, doing some messed up reimagining of self.

Is it not enough to merely be usurping Number Two’s place?

  1. Newcastle vs. Chelsea – English Premier League

Last season, Newcastle surprised with a 10th-place finish, having just been Promoted from the second division.   But they’ve followed up on that so far.  A loss Tottenham  Sir Topham Hatt Hotspur – even at home – is clearly forgivable.  The home, scoreless draw to just-Promoted Cardiff is less so.

Chelsea have won their first two against pedestrian competition.  After a disappointing 5th-place finish in defense of their previous league title, they won’t be sleeping on anyone.  Missing out on Champions League (top four get invites) will have that effect.   (11:00 AM, NBCSN)

RESULT:   Chelsea   1-2

  1. Santos vs. Cruz Azul – Liga MX

What a gigante match!  #3 hosts the only undefeated remaining and #1.  They’ve scored 22 goals in their six matches.  This doesn’t guarantee a shootout though.  Cruz Azul have only allowed one.   (7:00 PM, Univision Deportes)

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for giant soccer ball

 

 

Gigante!!

Hey, no hands.   I don’t see you in-net.

  1. Cray Valley Paper Mills vs. Ashford Town – English FA Cup

It’s not so much that this individual math is “important” that it’s neat to know that the FA Cup has already begun.  The big-league clubs won’t enter the competition for some time.

In truth, teams from this far down the football pyramid are unlikely to get anywhere near the Round where the Premier League clubs start playing.  But who knows, maybe we’ll have a history-making Minnow!

CVPM play out of the 9th-tier Southern Counties East League (formerly known as “Kent League”), in which they finished 6th in the higher of its two divisions.  They’re from Eltham, which is in the Greenwich Borough (southeast greater London).

Ashford town finished 12th in the 8th-tier Southern League Division One last season.  This year, they’ve made a lateral move to the Isthmian League.  They’re from Stanwell – just northeast of greater London – in the Surrey area of Spelthorne Borough.

RESULT:   Cray Valley   4-1

  1. Marseille vs. Rennes – Ligue 1

The French top league is already three matches into their season, but this is the first one that’s featured two teams from the top quarter of last season’s table.  These two finished in 4th and 5th, meaning they were the best two to not get invites to Champions League.

At least Marseille only missed the CL berth by a point in the table.  There was a massive gulf in the table between them and Rennes.

RESULT:   2-2

Image result for you are not invited

 

 

Would it make a difference if Noob and Rennes brought delicious scones?

 

  1. Jamaica vs. Antigua and Barbuda – women’s World Cup qualification (CONCACAF)

Reminder:  This is also the women’s CONCACAF Championship, doubling as qualification for next year’s WC.

This is the second round of Group Stage.  To get here, each had to win their previous group.   FIFA-ranked #133 A&B didn’t allow a goal in the previous stage’s three matches, but only scored five themselves.  #71 Jamaica, meanwhile, had a GD of 18-2.  Home team by a couple goals today, easily.

RESULT:   Jamaica   9-0         not a typo

  1. Dorados de Sinaloa vs. Correcaminos UAT – Ascenso MX

Welcome to the Track, Mexican second division!   Noob’s making a concerted effort to stay closer to home, with more CONCACAF/Western Hemisphere/North Amuricuhn matches than ever before.

Sinaloa are in 12th of 15 teams this Apertura (first-half season).  UAT are in 8th.   Noob sources are conflicted as to whether seven or eight team will qualify for the postseason Liguila, but either way, Correcaminos are right on that line.

Los Dorados have yet to win a match, but it’s early.  Noob thinks they will get a result at home today.

RESULT:   0-0

Image result for welcome and fuck off

 

 

Yes, um, it’s Ascenso league coverage.

Do what now?

  1. Club Brugge vs. Anderlecht – Belgium First Division A

Club Brugge more or less ran away and hid from the pack over the regular season.  When it came time to play the last 10 matches in a Championship division, they fell back to earth a little, but still win the title.

Anderlecht went from second to third over that same stretch, seemingly having hit a wall, finishing those last ten matches with a negative GD even.  If they want to have a shot of their own at the hardware, they’ll have to have improved defense in 2018-19.  The were easily the worst in that regard of all the top clubs, and didn’t have offense that made up for it.

RESULT:   Brugge   2-1

  1. Qarabag vs. Neftchi – Azerbaijan Premier

We finish today’s Track in UEFA’s #23-ranked league.  Like most other European domestic leagues, they’re just getting started.

If you don’t already, get to know the name Qarabag.  They are the perennial power in here, easily the favorite to once again decimate all before them and get the league’s one CL berth.  Their offense is good.  They’re defense was about impenetrable.  They conceded less than a goal every other game on average last season.  Neftchi was 3rd.

RESULT:   1-1

 

So long from Baku, home of Qarabag!

Is that a Death Star they’re building or a seven-star hotel?

(Both!)

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Saturday (8/25) – MLS, NWSL, Noob’s fave Fighting Cherries

The ten most important matches to follow, for us – the newish American fans of the global game.

Plenty of ‘Muricuh, North ‘Muricuh, Caribbean spice and then footyball flavors from the world over.   Savory.  Let’s eat.

  1. Philadelphia Union vs. New England Revolution – Major League Soccer

Hard to believe New England are still in the playoff hunt, just four points behind Philadelphia for 6th and the last postseason berth.  They haven’t won a match since June and have given up multiple goals every match but the first in this nasty streak of seven.

The Union, meanwhile, have won three in a row, including one that puts them in the Final for the US Open Cup next month.  The defense has been good, but the offense has been superb.  If the teams continue to trend as they have, this match could get out of hand in a hurry.

If New England hope to right the ship, Matt Turner’s got to get it together in goal.  But Noob thinks that the weak link in the back line has been on the right side.  Andrew Farrell was an all-star in 2016, but he’s playing like an all-stooge right now.   (7:00 PM EST, ESPN+)

RESULT:   Philly   1-0       Statistically, Farrell and Turner were the second and third-worst defenders for either team today.

Image result for andrew farrell new england revolution funny

 

 

Somehow, Andrew just doesn’t look… ready.

B.  Seattle Reign vs. North Carolina Courage – National Women’s Soccer League

A quite probable preview of the postseason Final is on tonight for NWSL.   With two matches to go in the regular season, North Carolina has (long since) clinched the Supporters Shield and.   Seattle is also now guaranteed a playoff spot, #B in the standings, up four on Portland.

Noob thinks they’ll both play like this IS the playoffs, not rest many or any starters.  If so, Seattle is only an even match at best tonight, even at home.  NCC score nearly twice as much.

RESULT:   1-1     The Courage got the equalizer at 90′

Image result for BB

 

 

Twice the Number B?

What’s not to love?

  1. Monterrey vs. Morelia – Liga MX

Plain and simple, two of Mexico’s best face off tonight.  Everyone’s chasing Cruz Azul right now, but these two are #B and #4.  The story tonight might be Morelia’s defense.   Every win but their first has been by just one goal, with only one clean sheet over that stretch.   (10:06 PM, FS2)

RESULT:   2-2

  1. AFC Bournemouth vs. Everton – English Premier League

Noob tries not to play favorites in determining which matches are track-worthy.  But it truly looks like my Fighting Cherries hosting last year’s #8 in Everton is the best, most competitive British match o’ the day!

AFC finished in 12th, tied with a couple teams that had better GD’s, last season.  This year, they’re one of six clubs to have one their first two matches.  Everton are 1-1-0, and this is the sort of match they didn’t always win last year – and need to – if they want to climb even just one more notch in the table and get at least a Europa League berth.

RESULT:   2-2      What a wild one.  Everton went down a man just before the half, but took the lead in the second.   Then a Cherry got a red card and Everton scored again.  Two late-ish goals – including one from kit model-Josh King, earned AFCB the draw.

AFC Bournemouth home

 

 

Josh King, sporting the new AFCB kit

  1. Juventus vs. Lazio – Serie A

These are last year’s Italian champs and #5 finishers, respectively.  This could be one wild, woolly match.

Juventus now have the world’s best player, Cristiano Ronaldo.  They add him to what was already the best offense in the league, save one club.  And that one club was Lazio, though they scored very much at the expense of their defense.

Juventus barely beat lowly ChievoVerona 2-3 in their opening match, getting the game-winner in the 93’.  Lazio lost their first on the road at last season’s runner-up, Napoli.  Talk about your tough matches to start a year.   (12:00 PM, ESPN2)

RESULT:   Juve   2-0

  1. Cuba vs. Trinidad and Tobago – women’s World Cup qualification

This is the CONCACAF Women’s Championship, dually serving as WC qualifying event.  The first qualifying group stage just concluded.  Five Groups of Caribbean national teams played, out of which only the winners advanced.

In this next qualifying round, those five all play in one pod.  Three will advance to the final round.  (Another pod of Central American teams also starts play at this round, out of which two will advance.)

Cuba is ranked just 85th  in the world, while T&T is 50th.  Cuba outscored opponents last round 22-3.  T&T surpassed even that, racking up a 27-1 to one margin (and still only advancing on tiebreaker!).

RESULT:   T&T   2-3

Image result for Trinidad and Tobago women's soccer 2018

 

 

T&T women’s national team

  1. Benfica vs. Sporting CP – Portugal Primeira Liga

Portugal’s top flite league has held steady in the UEFA rankings at #7.  That means they’re the best league that will still get only two Champions League berths.

Last season, Benfica got the second one, with Sporting just missing out in 3rd.  Benfica were a lot better on offense and Sporting’s equal on defense, more or less.  They’ve each one both their matches to start to the 2018-19 campaign.

RESULT:   1-1

  1. Cerezo Osaka vs. Sanfrecce Hiroshima – Japan J1 League

A 1-5 matchup in a league this size isn’t usually quite shiny enough to capture Noob’s wandering gaze.  But this site has its the Management and he is a Japanophile and must be appeased!

The top three will make the next AFC Champions League, and there’s a seven-point gap between 3rd and the rest with two thirds of the season in the books.  Hiroshima had a chance to practically wrap up the league title with a win their last match out, but current #B beat them on their own pitch.

C.Osaka statistically aren’t really much better than average, and so are probably just an even shot to win or draw at home today.

RESULT:   Hiroshima   0-1

Image result for management funny

 

 

Do you see, do you see what Noob must live with?

  1. Atletico Junior vs. Independiente Medellin – Colombia Primera A

In Colombia, the top eight (of 20) clubs will make the postseason tournament.  These two are part of a three-way tie for 3rd just a few matches into the Finalizacion (second half-season, same as a Clausura in other leagues).

You probably need a pretty deep satellite package to get RCN Tele Nuestre, but the match will be there at 9:00 PM.

RESULT:   Junior   2-1

  1. BATE Borisov vs. FK Vitebsk – Belarus Premier

Let’s end the Track with a 1 versus B-matchup!

Just over halfway through the season, BATE are up seven points in the table on both their guests today and Dinamo Minsk.  All three play about the same defense, but these two are a load better than D.Minsk on offense.  This will be a two-horse race soon enough.

RESULT:   1-1     BATE gets the equalizer right at 90′

Image result for Barysaw Belarus

 

 

So long from Borisov Stadium!

’10 to Track’ Jetsetting Friday soccer matches – spanning the globe for footyball fun

Noob knows this is usually called “Globetrotting Friday”.  AND that “jetsetting” may not really be a word.   But we’re trying it on for size just the same.

With world scheds running a little lighter right before the weekend proper, Noob uses it as a chance for us to soccer-sightsee!  Let’s check out some local matches of import, than hit the tarmac and head for soccer hinterlands.

  1. LA Galaxy vs. LAFC – Major League Soccer

Rivalry Week!  “El Trafico”.  Los Angeles.  The Holy Spirit.  Soft sheets.  Counting.  Science.  Foodstuffs.

Whoa.  Noob started just free-associating there.   No belief in the necessity for editing here.

Better believe that the Galaxy need to get it together though.  They’ve been in a softer stretch of schedule this month and are not getting it done.  No wins in four matches has them tied for 5th.  The Remember: Only the top six in each conference get into the Playoffs.

LAFC are in 3rd, having recovered from their own tailspin.  Home cooking against Colorado and Real Salt Lake was tasty.

If the Galaxy are going to pull it together to stay afloat for a postseason, perhaps they should find a consistent lineup and formation on defense.  They’ve started wholly different folks and moved some around every match of late.

Perhaps Noob shouldn’t question Sigi Shmid – who has the most coaching wins in MLS history.  But he can come to me if he has an issue with it.   (10:30 PM EST, ESPN)

RESULT:   1-1       Zlatan got a goal in the first half, and should’ve been given a second yellow and sent off later.  Shenanigans!

Image result for twizzle la galaxy mascot

 

 

 

Fun Fact:   This is Twizzle, the original Galaxy mascot.

His replacement is a less humanoid-looking guy named Cozmo.

B.  Atlas vs. Guadalajara – Liga MX

Guadalajara was so bad last season, Mexico’s football federation changed the rules concerning promotion and relegation just to make sure this big money club didn’t get stuck down in the Ascenso league.  They’re looking much better, average early this season.  9th place currently.

Atlas.  Noob would chastise you not winning a game yet.  But before we can even get to that stage, score a goal.  Their next will be their first of 2018-19.  And it’s not like the defense is any good, either.  I waggle my finger at you, Atlas.   (10:00 PM, Unimas)

RESULT:   Guad Squad   0-1

Image result for letter B map

 

 

Not bad, Number B!    Looking atlas page-y today.

  1. Queretaro vs. Necaxa – Liga MX Femenil

Perhaps the gals of Necaxa could lend Atlas some advice.  After all, they’ve scored this season.  Once…

Now, Queretaro actually find the back of the net more than once per match on average.  But if they’re going to be anything but low-end mediocre, they’ve got to stop giving up almost three game.  What’s Spanish for “oof dah”?

Fun Fact:   One older translation of “Queretaro” is “island of blue salamanders”.  Odd-seeming, for an area in the middle of the country.

RESULT:   0-0

  1. Motagua vs. Portmore United – CONCACAF League

The winner of this tournament gets into the CONCACAF Champions League.  The participants are all from Central America and the Caribbean subregions.  The matchups are all two-legged ties, and they’re in the Quarterfinals now.

Honduras’ top entrant is Motagua.  Last Round, they put the kibosh hard on Costa Rica’s Santos de Guapiles.  Portmore qualified by finishing third in the Jamaican Premier.  In the Round of 16, they squeaked by Belmopan Bandits out of Belize.

Even the rawest of Noobites will surely recognize Motagua is a heavy favorite, especially at home here in the first match of the tie.

RESULT:    Motagua   3-2       The hosts went up 2-0 in the first half, then had to get a second goal from Juan Pablo Montes at 90’+5 to win.

C.D. Motagua badge.png

 

 

Frustrating Fact:   Darn birds are always stealing soccer balls!

  1. Bayern Munich vs. TSG Hoffenheim – Bundesliga

The opening match of Germany’s season!  And we get a shiny one.  Bayern ran away with the league title last season.  They scored half again as many goals are 3rd-place TSG and gave up only half as many goals.  But it’s a new year, and if any club can make a contender’s claim, it’s the visitors today.   (2:30 PM, FS1)

Fun Fact:  In the 1990’s. Bayern was given the nickname “FC Hollywood”, as they were not playing well but the players were all over the tabloids.

RESULT:   Bayern   3-1

  1. Middlesbrough vs. West Bromwich Albion – English Championship

To England!  No Premier League action today, but the lone ECL match includes a club that was just demoted from there last year.  West Brom didn’t average even a goal per game in finishing last.

Middlesbrough made a run last year at getting Promoted up to Premier status.  They finished 5th in the league, got to play in a fo- team mini-tournament for the right to advance.  For second division, their offense was very good and their defense even a little better.  They’ll be in the running for Promotion again in all likelihood.

RESULT:   Middlesbrough   1-0

Image result for Middlesbrough fc female supporters

 

Fun Fact:   Middlesbrough have one of the highest percentage female fan bases in all England.

  1. CIE Ranch vs. University College Dublin FC – FAI Cup (Ireland)

Ireland’s FA Cup is in its Second Round, and here we have a battle of 1st-place squads.  UCD lead the countries second division league by four points.   But these Cups are all about finding Minnows, underdogs to root for!

CIE Ranch play In the Leinster Senior League., which is all greater Dublin-clubs.  Noob thinks this puts them in the third tier in the country, if they play in the top division within that league.  Theirs is the Sunday Premier division, so it likely is.  And they lead it by seven points, on the backs of their leading defense.

Ultimately, we’re talking about pros – even the collegiate UCD ones – versus amateurs.  Still, goooOOOO Fighting Inchicorians!  (Did Noob get the suburban demonym correct?)

Morbid Fact:   The jail in or near Inchicore is where the leaders of the historic Easter Rising were executed.

RESULT:   UCD   2-6       Weird match!   The Ranch actually went up 2-0 early!  UCD got one back still in the first half.    Then at 75′, a Ranch’er got a red card.  You can see what happened after that.

  1. Kopetdag Asgabat vs. Energetik – Turkmenistan Yokary Liga

Turkmenistan’s top league is halfway down the Asian rankings.  That’s deep enough that they don’t even get an automatic entry into the next AFC Champions League.

Not that these two would get it anyway.  They’re 7th and 4th (of eight) halfway or so through the league season.  Good thing there’s no Relegation in this league.  Asgabat can’t score a lick.

RESULT:   Energetik   0-1

Image result for kopet dag mountains

 

 

Fun Fact:  Ashgabat is the city name, while Kopet Dag are the mountains seen here.

  1. Ventspils vs. Riga FC – Latvia Higher League

It’s a tie for #B in table in UEFA’s 41st-ranked league.  Hey – they’re playing.   On Fridays, these are the fun ones for Noob.

RFS – the city of Riga’s top team – is likely hoping these two will just draw.  They lead both by seven in the table.  FC play small ball, so if they can control the pace, a 0-0 tie is certainly a reasonable expectation.  Ventsplis relies a little more on their own D than goal-scoring as well.

Fun Fact:  Venstspils is the wealthiest city in the country, thanks to its ice-free port on the Baltic sea.

RESULT:   Riga FC   0-1

  1. Floriana vs. Silema Wanderers – Malta Premier

Just a couple notches further down the European league rankings we find Malta.   This match doesn’t carry quite the importance in the standings as Latvia’s featured match, but it’s no less fun to go exploring.

The Maltese league season is just starting anew.  Last year, these two were 6th and 7th place.  That said, there was a fair bit of a gap between them in points, and a larger one in GD.  If their relative strengths remain the same, Floriana should have more than enough firepower to get the W today.

RESULT:   Silema   0-1

Image result for jason derulo funny

 

So long from Noob and Jason Derulo!

Floriana the town has hosted MTV Europe’s “Isle of MTV” festival 11 years running.”  Derulo will headline this year.

’10 to Track’ Midweek Edition soccer matches – filtering the finest footyball beans for YOU

The soccer scheds are getting fuller, the Track’ed matches all the sweeter.

Tuesday’s matches are below Wednesday’s here now.  Thursday’s are coming soon.

Thursday

Houston Dynamo vs. FC Dallas – Major League Soccer

10.  It’s hard to fathom that Houston could win the U.S. Open Cup.  They’re hosting the Final against Philly in late September.  A good thing they’ve put all their eggs in that basket, because their league basket is mildewy and coming unwoven.

They’re in 10th in the Western Conference after five straight league losses.  The competition’s been strong over that stretch, true.  But this is the big league and you’ve got to pick some points. Now they’re 10 points behind 6th place and the last playoff spot.  The Dynamo are cooked.  The offense is gone.

Dallas, meanwhile recovered from a two-game skid last time out with a W over Minnesota.  Good thing, too, as KC has won three straight and was looking prime to take 1st place back.   (9:00 PM, ESPN Deportes)

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for HOuston weird

 

So long from the Art Car Parade in Houston!

(Don’t worry.  Noob knows it’s an atrocity.  The town was built on a swamp.  It will all sink into oblivion soon enough.)

Wednesday

  1. NYCFC vs. New York Red Bulls – Major League Soccer

#3 hosts #B in the Eastern Conference.  Both are almost certain to make the Playoffs (top 6 in each conf.).  But since the top two seeds will get a bye in the postseason, this edition if the Hudson River Derby is particularly important.

NYCFC just got ambushed in Philly, 0-2.  They’ve given up nine goals in their last four matches.  NYRB have been simply taking care of business this month, with results in their last three outings.  They’ve played one less match than The Blues – an advantage in the table, if not on the pitch today.

Sean Johnson hasn’t been helped by his back line much of late.  They’ve not leaned on the defense much all season, truth be told.  But the goalkeeper’s got to staunch this bleeding if they’re to stop this fade.

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for sean johnson nycfc funny“I will hug it and squeeze it and call it George.”

(Random? Sure.  Does Noob care?  Not a whit!)

  1. Portland Thorns vs. Sky Blue FC – National Women’s Soccer League

Sky Blue have two draws in last three matches!

New Jersey’s last place NWSL club hasn’t had much to celebrate this season.  They still only have five points, half as many as second-to-last place Washington.  So they’ll take these little successes and run with them.

The Thorns are in 3rd with just three matches to go before the Postseason.  Four clubs are within four points of them in the table, so they shouldn’t be sleeping today.  A win today would all but guarantee them a top-four finish, which means playoffs.

RESULT:   Portland   2-1

Image result for Sky Blue FC funny

 

 

 

“If you go into their net more than ours -just this once- I’ll take you to the Shore.  Please??”

  1. Cruz Azul vs. Toluca – Liga MX

After making the Liguilla (postseason) in the 2017-18 Apertura (first half-season), they fell into the table depths in the Clausura.  They are back.  They’ve allowed just one lone goal in their five matches this new season.  No other team has conceded fewer than four.

But now they get their first tough test of the season.  Say hello to the last Clausura’s regular season champion.  Toluca is in 6th, but with their offense, they’ll rise.   (8:00 PM, ESPN Deportes)

RESULT:   Cruz Azul   1-0

  1. Young Boys of Bern vs. Dinamo Zagreb – UEFA Champions League

Switzerland’s and Croatia’s European league-rankings aren’t far apart – both in about the teens.  Still, YBB is only just now entering the competition.  (See Tuesday’s UEFA CL match below for Round details.)

D.Z. have had to advance through two rounds already.  They walloped a club from Israel and skunked one from Kazakhstan.

Based on the Elo ratings Noob uses, YBB would be favored even at a neutral site.  While I don’t think formal football gambling works this way, I would still take Dinamo if given a goal.

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for soccer gambling funny

  1. Portland Timbers II vs. Orange County FC – United Soccer League

Given that the top eight in each conference of America’s second-tier league, these two are looking very good.

Portland’s reserve side has climbed to 5th in the West on the back of three straight high-offense victories.

The O.C. have also been getting goals like gangbusters, winning three in a row as well.  In fact, they haven’t lost since July 7 and have scored twice or more in all their contests.    Noob ends the Wednesday portion of the Midweek Track with what could look like a pinaball-ish score.

Tuesday

  1. Seattle Reign vs. Houston Dash – National Women’s Soccer League

Welcome to the only top-division match in America today.  This match is sneaky-important for both teams.

Seattle seem to have a firm grip on #B in the table with three matches to go, yet that four-point lead over the Portland only looks big because of how close the next several teams are to one another.

That’s where we find the Dash.  They’re tied for 6th, yet trail Chicago for the fourth and final Playoff berth by just two points.

Houston have scored six goals their last two matches, but Seattle maybe be more impressive of late on the other side.  The Reign haven’t conceded a goal their last three games.

RESULT:   Seattle   2-0

Image result for where did you go funny

 

 

Can’t find offense anywhere here!

(And no, Noob is not above using cute aminahl pictures to lure in readers.)

B.  UNAM Pumas vs. Queretaro – Liga MX

Noob would mock 12th-place UNAM without end for their lack of goal-scoring, but Atlas haven’t scored once this Apertura (first half-season).

Pumas are scoring twice a game on average, sit in 5th place.  But they scored all those goals the first couple games, haven’t found the back of the net in their last three outings.  Check this one out on ESPN Deportes at 8:00 PM to see if either can get on the board.

RESULT:   Queretaro   0-1

Image result for letter B wild animal

 

 

 

Sorry, Number B.

No B in “puma” anywhere.

  1. Benfica vs. PAOK – UEFA Champions League

They’ve reached the “Qualification Round” in Europe.  12 clubs paired off, the survivors of these two-legged ties all make the Group Stage.   That’s where the competition is considered to truly begin.

PAOK finished #B in Greece’s Superleague last season, had to make it through two Rounds already just to get this far.  They most recently beat Spartak Moscow.

Benfica also finished #B in their league.  But since it’s a more highly-ranked league, they’ve only had to play one Round so far.  They defeated Fehnerbace out of Turkey to get here.

True to the league strengths, the Elo rankings this two have on footballdatabase.com indicate to Noob Benfica is easily a one-goal favorite at home.

RESULT:   1-1

  1. Independiente vs. Santos FC – Copa Libertadores

South America’s version of Champions League is in its Round of 16.  These are the last pair of clubs to not have played the first match of their two-legged tie.

Independiente finished just 6th in Argentina’s Premier last season – not quite good enough to qualify for CL.  They’re here by virtue of having won the 2017 Copa Sudamericana, the continent’s second-tier competition.  They’re a sound, defensive-minded bunch.

Santos finished 3rd in Brazil, CONMEBOL’s best league.  They’re considered the fifth entrant from Brazil.  Santos also plays a tight defensive game typically.  Look for this to go 1-0 or 0-1 at most.  Independiente is a full-goal fave based on the Elo ratings.

RESULT:   0-0

Image result for Copa Libertadores cartoon

 

 

Noob’s not sure what harpooning a rabbit has to do with CL or Santos FC.

But I’m down with it.

 

’10 to Track’ Relegation Monday soccer matches – embrace the Monday sadness!

The world schedules are starting to heat up some with the advent of all the biggest European league here.

Still, Noob augments the ten most important matches to follow for us – the newish American fans of the global game – with Relegation Matches.

We’ll start with matches of happier import, then get to know some clubs facing the Relegation axe.

To arms!

  1. Crystal Palace vs. Liverpool – English Premier League

Both teams have started this season with a win, both against teams not expected to finish in the top half of the table.

For Liverpool, Mo Salah broke the league single-season scoring record last year.  And he waited only all of 19’ to get on the board this season.  They should be considered a full-goal favorite, even on the road today.

RESULT:   Liverpool   0-2

B.  Valencia vs. Atletico Madrid – La Liga

Time to start up the premier league of Spain!  These are last year’s #4 and #B clubs.  Atletico played the top defense last year, but also just won the UEFA Super Cup against Barcelona, 4-2.

Valencia finished just where they should’ve based on goal differential.   Their betters either scored a ton more or played much better defense.

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for letter B funny

 

 

What the fruit, Number B?!

That’s violent and random.

Watch out Number Two.  Your fate will be a bad one apparently.

  1. Milsami Orhei vs. FC Sheriff – Moldova National Division

When it’s the top two in a league, Noob’s always down to Track it.  Even when it’s just UEFA’s 33rd-ranked league.  Sheriff won the league by five points last year over Orhei and lead them by four points now – halfway through their season.

The Red Eagles play host today and that still doesn’t make them much more than an even match.  They only scored 2/3 as often as Sheriff.

RESULT:   Sheriff   0-2

  1. Breidablik vs. Valur – Iceland Urvalsdeild

We move just a touch further down the UEFA domestic league rankings to find Iceland’s – #39.

Briedablik lead the league in defense and in the table.  Valur are tied for #B, and have played on less match than peers Stjarnan.  They’re nearly as stingy in their own third, so this might not be the most exciting match to watch, but it is most Track-worthy.

RESULT:   Valur   1-3      Patrick Pedersen with a pair of goals

 

 

Breidablik’s crest is an odd one — that’s the profile of a church, with a seal pup underneath.  

The team’s town name of Kopavogur means “seal pup inlet”.

 

And now, the Relegation Matches!

Horsens vs. Aalborg – Denmark Superliga

Near regular’s season’s end, this league will break into two division – Championship and Relegation.  Last year, these two were the bottom end of the better half.

In this young season, Aalborg are somehow 4-0-1 despite a 5-5 goals for/against – good for #B in the table for now.  Horsens are down in 12th with just one win so far.

Fun Fact:   AC Horsens are nicknamed “The Yellow Danger”.  Maybe it sounds more intimidating in Danish.

RESULT:   0-0

  1. Vasco de Gama vs. Ceara – Brazil Serie A

Nearly a Relegation double feature of woe and tragedy!

Ceara were just promoted to top flite this season, are in second-to-last place now.  De Gama are tied for 16th, only above the Cutline by virtue of GD right now, and will be safer soon enough.  Ceara’s offense is a sorry sight.

RESULT:   1-1

Less sorry is the sight of carne de sol, a staple of NE Brazilian cuisine (Ceara’s region).

It’s dried outdoors and the fierce wind and sun dry the exterior in 2-4 days, leaving the steak strips interiors moist.

  1. El Nacional vs. Guayaquil City – Ecuador Serie A

Ecuador’s top league uses a multiyear aggregate table to determine who gets The Boot at season’s end.  Two teams will go down, and Quayaquil have a lot of ground to make up if they want to avoid that fate.  El Nacional is a midtable team at best, so this might be one of G.C.’s rare opportunities to get a result.

Fun Fact:   Quayaquil City was originally named for River Plate, the Argentinian club which which they formerly were partnered.

RESULT:   1-1

  1. Wazito vs. Chemelil – Kenya Premier

Two of the 18 clubs here will get kicked out.  Wazito is in line to be now, 17th place. Chemelil are in 15th.

And in-house prognosticator Noobstradamus has had a vision!

My dreams are vivid.  The sights, the sounds.  I walked in darkness towards the only distant light and the pulsating sounds of “Lookie Lookie” in the distance.  From one step to the next, I was inside, dancing hip to hip with Stella Mwangi herself at Pavement Night Club, Nairobi.  It’s a place I know well, being ancient and well-travelled. 

She moved her body like a snake all around me, leaned in, and whispered sultrily in my ear, “Wazitohhhh”.

 I whispered back, “Thanks for the tip.  Now take a hike.  It’s weird that you’re dancing to your own tune.”

RESULT:   0-0        Are we certain they didn’t miscount?

Image result for noobstradamus

 

 

 

I’m too cool for school.  Wazito 1-0 today. 

 

And now, musical interlude!

  1. Gefle vs. Brage – Sweden Superettan

Varnamo still holds down the bottom spot in Sweden’s second division league.  But they get rid of at least two annually, so let’s get to know the one just above.

*sneeze*  Whoops, Noob just scored a goal on Gefle.   It’s about that easy for everyone, and is why they are so far down the table.  Brage are 7th.  Noob thinks Gefle will earn a draw today.  Not that one is enough to lift them to safety in the standings.

Fun Fact:   Gefle’s blue and white kits are specifically inspired by the Argentina’s men’s national football team attire.

RESULT:   Brage   0-2

  1. Keila vs. Rakvere Tarvas – Estonia Esiliiga A

We finish the Monday of Relegation with a trip to Estonia’s second division.   Noob adores Estonian football.  The league names have those sweet, mesmerizing double i’s that entrance me so.

Keila are in second-to-last, ghastly on both sides of the ball.

3rd-place Rakevere will be focused as they’re 10 points out of #B in the table.  That’s a slot that gets to play a low-rung top-division team for the right to play up there next year.  For Keila to finish within a goal of 3rd-place Rakvere would be a minor miracle, even in front of their own fans.

RESULT:   Rakvere   1-3

Image result for pope john paul ii eyes

 

 

 

So long from Pope John Paul II and Noob, fellow fans of the double i’s!

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Sunday (8/19) – the funkiest news the sport has ever seen awaits you

No foreplay today, we’re plowing right in, Noobites.

  1. Atlanta United vs. Columbus Crew – Major League Soccer

Atlanta are the best team in ‘Muriuch.

Columbus have rebounded nicely from a little two-game skid, winning three straight.  They have plenty of space to each side of them in the table.  They Crew will be the #4 seed out of the Eastern Conference.

OK, now let’s get to the real news.  And Noob promises this is true, even as so often I am a silly kaahhhhh-nigget.  Mark Wahlberg might buy or end up part of an owner ship group that could buy Columbus Crew.

He recently bought a Chevy dealership in the town.  So someone local asked him if he’d consider buying into the soccer team.  They current owner has been working very hard to move it to Austin.  He said he’d be interested in looking into it.  OK, maybe.  Might be just a vague nicety.

But then a journo in Cleveland asked recently.  Someone from an possible ownership group got in touch with Wahlberg’s people.  They’re looking into it.  And this isn’t someone Mark or his people had to be nice to in order to get in locals good graces.   He pointed out he has part ownership in a cricket club in the Caribbean.  And it’s hardly unusual for celebrities to invest in sports franchises.

For all that everyone else is making “Good Vibrations” references alongside this news, Noob goes a different direction:

Could the kits be just Calvin Klein underwear?   *bonnnnggggg*

RESULT:   ATL   3-1      Josef Martinez scored first for United, tying the MLS single-season record for goals scored.

Image result for mark wahlberg funny clothesIf you enlarge this, you can see the center cap design has C.C.

Columbus Crew, predestined!

B.  Swope Park Rangers vs. Reno 1868 – United Soccer League

The news in the second division is only comparatively less exciting.

Hector Barros of Wahlberg’s former back-up group – The Funky Bunch – is looking to start a club of his own, in Lexington, Kentucky.  Needless to say to hip hop fans, the team will be named “The Booty Inspectors”.  Maybe the league will require a hyphen in “Boot-y” and a soccer cleat-logo to keep things PG.

OK, one of those stories was fake.  But only one.  We live in the best of times.

RESULT:   3-3     Hadji Barry for KC ties it up at 90′

Image result for letter B is for bunch

 

 

 

Number B, demonstrating bunches – low in funkiness, high in potassium.

  1. Burnley vs. Watford – English Premier League

These were the 7th and 8th place teams last season.  Burnley beat out Watford for the last Europa League berth.  They entered at that competition at the Second Qualifying Round, where they beat Scottish club Aberdeen.  Next, they will play Olympiakos from Greece for a slot in the Group Stage

Watford won their first game of this league season versus Brighton & Hove Albion.  Burnley played Southampton to a scoreless draw.

RESULT:   Watford   1-3

  1. Santos vs. UANL Tigres – Liga MX

Last season, Santos finished #B in the Apertura (first half-season), and also made the Liguilla (postseason) in the Clausura.  Tigres improved over the course of 2017-18 to make the postseason in the second tournament.

Right now, they are 6th and 8th, respectively, in the new Apertura.  Not much reason to not favor Los Guerreros at home.

RESULT:    Santos   3-1      Jonathan Rodriguez with a pair of goals

Image result for funky letter B

 

 

 

Funkier letter B, making a reappearance for some reason.

  1. Connah’s Quay vs. T.N.S. – Welsh Premier

Wales – for all that their men’s national team has had some success in fairly recent years – is home to just the 50th-ranked league (of 54) in Europe.

The New Saints won handily last season, and started this year with a 7- shellacking of some poor bodies.  CQ won their first game as well.  They should be the only realistic threat to TNS again this year.  They finished #3 in 2017-18, but the #B Bangor City failed to get their Tier One license of the country’s FA and got Relegated.  Oops.

RESULT:   CQ   1-0

  1. Motagua vs. Olimpia – Honduras National League

Noob is CONCACAF-ied!  Last season’s Clausura #B and #3 are atop the league this early Apertura.  Olimpia lead the league on offense so far.  And if you have a deep enough satellite package, you can catch our federation neighbors playing this one on Centroamerica TV at 6:00 PM.

RESULT:   Olimpia   0-1

Image result for centroamericatv funny

 

This is why cartoonists traditionally give characters only four fingers.

 

Note:  Noob got bullied into weekend overtime, had to quick-and-dirty the rest of this Track at an ungodly hour.

  1. Cerro Porteño vs. Olimpia – Paraguay Professional Division

#1 versus #B!

RESULT:   Olimpia   0-2

  1. Olimpija Llubljana vs. Maribor – Slovenia Prva Liga

Last year, these two tied in the table on points.  Llubljana won the title and league’s only Champions League berth by a single goal in differential.

So much Olimpia today, with or without the j.

RESULT:   Maribor   0-3     Olimpija fails to get the Track an Olimpi/j/a sweep

  1. Hiroshima vs. Kawasaki – Japan J1 League

#1 versus #B again!   Hiroshima are threatening to absolutely blow the league out this year.

RESULT:   Kawasaki   1-2         Yu Kobayshi with both the equalizer and the the winning penalty kick

  1. Ludogorets Razgrad vs. CSKA-Sofia – Bulgaria First Professional League

Last season’s top two!

RESULT:   L.R.   1-0

So long and see you for Relegation Monday’s T2T!