Category: 10 to Track

’10 to Track’ Globetrotting Friday soccer matches – USL playoffs, then the world!

As always on Fridays, we start our journey at or close to home.  Postseason is upon us!

Then it’s off to footyball hinterlands the world over.

That was the first time I’ve ever typed Friday without having to correct my natural typo of “Froday”.   Suckcess!

(Yes, sometimes you have to spell it with a ‘k’ for contextual accuracy)

  1. Phoenix Rising vs. Portland Timbers II – United Soccer League Playoffs

Postseason time – Let.  It.  Beh-geeeen!!

This is the opening salvo for America’s second division league Playoffs, only match today.  The tournament is classic American style – brackets, one match and done.

These two actually just played on 10.13.  The Timbers reserve side won 0-1.  Prior to that they’d lost two in a row, albeit to clubs higher in the Western Conference than themselves.

Phoenix is limping.  Prior to that home loss to PT2, they got decimated at non-playoff Las Vegas Lights.  (Btw, congrats to that club and American all-timer Eric Wynalda, as he is now signed to be head coach.)

Both teams play terrific offense, only trailing #1 Orange Country in that regard.  But Phoenix can defend with the best, too.  Not so, Timbers.   It appears this match will be available on ESPN+ (10:30 PM EST).

RESULT:   Phoenix   3-0

B.  Atlas vs. Veracruz – Liga MX

This would be the perfect Relegation Monday match, the bottom two clubs in the league.  And by a lot.  But Noob always previews a match from our biggest soccer neighbors top league whenever a match is available!

With five matches left in the Apertura (first half-season), neither team is mathematically eliminated from contention for the Liguilla (postseason).  But they’re not going to get there.  They’re the only clubs that don’t average a goal per match.  Heck, Atlas only averages one every three.  Veracruz is the one giving up the atrocious number of goals though.

So what hope do they have?  Well, Atlas has scored three of those league goals in their last two outings. Veracruz managed to keep a clean sheet in their last game.  They didn’t score themselves, either, but it’s something.

RESULT:   Atlas   4-3               Veracruz led until getting a man sent off at 62′.  Christian Menedez had two goals in the losing effort.

Image result for angry letter B

 

 

Oh, settle yourself, Number B.

You’ll get a better match tomorrow.

  1. Adelaide United vs. Sydney FC – Australia A-League

It’s springtime in Oz, and that means top-flight footyball returns!   This is the first match of the 2018-19 season and the only one today.  The league is rated 9th (of 46) in Asia.

Sydney are the two-time regular season defending champions.  Best in the league last year on offense and even better on defense.  Adelaide were midtable, finding their troubles scoring goals.

If you feel like you’ve been hearing about Australian football recently, it would be because of last year’s last place club, Central Coast Mariners.  Retired world’s greatest sprinter Usain Bolt has been playing and training with them.

RESULT:   1-1

  1. Sheffield Wednesday vs. Middlesbrough – England Championship

The top two in England’s second tier league get automatically Promoted for next season.  The next four in the table will have a postseason tournament to decide one more to move up.

The season’s about a third over, and these are two of the contenders.  4th-place Middlesbrough haven’t lost to S.W. in their last five contests.  They play some serious small ball, with a 14-6 GD on the year.

The hosts here are in a tie for 5th.  Noob doesn’t think they have the defensive chops to stay up this high though.

RESULT:   Middlesbrough   1-2            Middlesbrough move into a tie for 1st

Image result for chops funny

 

 

 

Sharply dressed pig  *nod*

Noob neither has nor needs reason

  1. Metz vs. Niort – France Ligue 2

Metz were just abysmal last season in Ligue 1.  But they’ve been playing amazingly this season as they try to earn there way back up.  They’ve got much more offensive fire power than nearly everyone else in this league.  Like in England, the top two get Promoted.  Metz is #1.

Only the next three clubs in the table here play in the postseason tournament to be the third and final team to move up.  There seems to be a gulf between the top four and everyone else, so the race should remain wide for that key 5th-place slot.  Niort is tied for that now.

RESULT:   Metz   3-0

Fun Fact:   While Metz has one both the league and FA Cups, their best ever Ligue 1 finish was runners-up (1997-98).

  1. Spezia vs. Pescara – Italy Serie B

Teams #3 through #8 get to at season’s end for the third and final chance to be Promoted in Italy.  Spezia don’t have to worry about that so far.  They’re #1 and one of only two undefeated teams in the league.  (The other is just 2-5-0.)

Spezia are in 4th.   The season here is younger than the other D2’s we’ve been visiting, and the teams all look very similar statistically.

RESULT:   Pescara   1-3

Spezia Calcio.svg

 

 

You know you’re allowed to update your boring crest after the first century, yes?

  1. Almere City vs. Go Ahead Eagles – Netherlands Eerste Divisie

6-2-1.   Three teams in the Dutch second division share that exact record, and it has them all #1.  Since only one team automatically moves up to Eredivisie for 2019-20, it’s looking like it could be a dramatic year here!

Look for a shootout today.  These are the two-highest goal-scoring clubs in the league, and neither is backing it up with the very best defense.

RESULT:   Eagles   0-1

Fun Fact:   Go Ahead was originally named “Be Quick”.   Noob knows he’s weird, sometimes gives the truth “scope”.  But this bit’s real.

  1. Shabab Al Dhahiriya vs. Hilal Al Quds – Palestine West Bank League

These are last year’s #10 and #1 clubs.  it’s the 30th-ranked league in the AFC.   Blah blah blah.

Look, if department stores can be putting up Xmas stuff already, I can be working on my wish list.

Santa, I want some Al Dhahiriya swag this year.  Because I have the humor and emotional maturity of an 11 year-old.   Has Noob been a good boy?  Well, I’m posting a poop joke on a bizarre soccer-comedy site.  I’m not sure that’s bad.   But it prolly ain’t good!

Here’s to hoping that honesty counts for something.

RESULT:   Quds   0-1

Image result for santa i've been bad

  1. Pakistan Air Force vs. ASM – Pakistan Premier

Welcome to the lowest-ranked league in Asia!   Hey.  They’re playing.  We’re going to be citizens of the world.

And Noob has a loooonnnng way to go in that regard.  You could’ve told me Pakistan didn’t have an Air Force and I would’ve believed it.  Or that they had one, but that it was so small that a soccer team was sponsoring them and not the other way around.

This league doesn’t qualify a team into AFC Champions League.  They and many fall under the federation’s “Developing Countries” umbrella, which means they instead send one to the secondary AFC Cup annually.  They’ve only just begun their season, but PAF is #B.  Four will get Relegated at season’s end and ASM is in line to be one of those.

Wait, they have an Air Force and at least one other national football league?  *mind blown*

RESULT:   PAF   2-0

Fun Fact:    The Air Force there has over 70.000 people.   (And Noob’s riled them all up.  Duck and cover!)

  1. Al-Nahda vs. Dhofar – Oman Pro League

We finish the track today in an almost-average league (#26) in Asia.   Pretty sure this is the first time we’ve Globetrotted to Oman.   And instead of weird humor, we conclude with just a really good matchup.

Dhofar are #1 and the countries’ one remaining undefeated club after seven matches.  They’ev already opened up a four-point lead on the pack, and hold five over their hosts today.

Every other team in the league as conceded at least six goals.  Dhofar have allowed just three.  And they’re not playing small ball.  They’’re tied for the best offense, too.

RESULT:   2-2

Image result for al-buraimi oman

 

So long from Al-Buraimi, Oman, home of Al-Nahda!

A traditional folk dance-duel.

’10 to Track’ Midweek Edition soccer matches – MLS, oodles of CONCACAF lead your Wednesday

Midweek time – that means ten matches over three days instead of ten each.

What can Noob say?   There are just so many hours in the day, and we’re expanding, adding great new features soon!

We’ve already added “Noob Sandwich Reviewoobs”.   Scroll back a couple of Tracks to see the first installment.

Also, Noob is slated to appear on the Bros Talking Soccer podcast Sunday.  We’ll keep you posted on when it’s available on the various platforms.   And no, despite being Twitter-familiar with one another, Noob’s is not sure the Bros know what they’re getting into.  It may go very “normally”.  It may be very “Noob”.   God help us either way.

Finally, Isle of Sodor Premier League coverage will begin this weekend!

Noob hasn’t negotiated exclusive rights or anything.  But no one else is covering it, so we WILL.     Noob covered their inaugural FA Cup which ended a couple months ago.  Thought someone more mainstream would grab the baton and cover IoSPL.  Nope.

So Noob’s packing his bags, ready to split some time between here and some of my fave B&B’s and such on Sodor.  It’s going to be….well, it’s going to be content.  Yay!

(Tuesday and Wednesday matches and results follow further down.)

Thursday

No real preview work today.   Real Salt Lake plays for Playoff seeding against eliminated-New England.   Remember, Noobites:  Real Salt Lake means “royal” and we carry no truck with monarchy on our soil.  None!

Wednesday

  1. D.C. United vs. Toronto FC – Major League Soccer

Not only did D.C. do it – climbing back from the Eastern Division basement, but they’ve climbed into a playoff spot (6th place) with three matches to go.  His massive price tag aside, anyone who thought it wouldn’t be worthwhile to get former all-time European great Wayne Rooney was mistaken.

This all said, there are those three matches to go.  They could climb one more spot up the table, but they could get passed by Montreal (just one point back).

How does their schedule compare with Montreal’s?  Defending champs Toronto FC and their last regular season opponents Chicago fire are bad and worse.  Sandwiched in between they’ll host much tougher (#3) NYCFC.  Montreal play Toronto and newly-eliminated from contention New England.  So Noob thinks the difference may come down to can D.C. get at least a home draw against NYCFC.

I’ve only started learning all but the biggest stars’ names here the second half of the season.  If you’re a tenured Noobite, you’ll know Rooney’s right-hand man is Luciano Acosta.   But look for impact from Russell Canouse, a young midfielder who got the only goal their last outing – a massive win over the West’s #1 FC Dallas.  He was rewarded with a slot on the MLS Team of the Week.  Which I hadn’t known was a thing.  Learningess!   (7:00 PM EST, ESPN+)

RESULT:   1-0   D.C. Utd.          Who else by Mr. Worth-Every-Pound Wayne Rooney

Image result for russell canouse

 

 

A ball, for Noob?  Thanks, Russ!

(Now where are Rooney and Lucky Acosta… get some serious signatures up in here.)

 

Canadia vs. U.S.A. – CONCACAF Women’s Championship / World Cup qualification

Actually, but virtue of making this Final, these two have now already qualified for next tear’s WC.  Congrats, gals!   Not that they or anyone are surprised.  They’re ranked #5 and #1 the world.  Only Canadia even allowed a single goal to be scored against them.

Tobin Heath, Megan Rapinoe, Drunk-Disney Alex Morgan — we know the USWNT team some.  So here’s a shoutout to Canadia’s Christine Sinclair.   She’s a veteran, still a superstar, and trails retired U.S. player Abby Wambach by seven for all-time most international goals scored.  That’s men’s or women’s side.

She won’t get seven today.  Canadia may not score here in Frisco (greater Dallas) today.  But her presence gives them a real chance.  Noob still favors the Americans by two, but we could finally see both teams get their first competitive match in a while.   (8:00 PM, FS2)

RESULT:   U.S.A.   0-2         Hail to the victors!

  1. Panama vs. Jamaica – CONCACAF Women’s Championship / World Cup qualification

This match still matters in terms of WC entry.  The winner gets in, the loser gets absolutely none fruit cup.  None at all!  Friscoans (Friscites?) will deny them at all opportunities before the loser goes home.

They’re tanked #62 and #64.  Whichever wins, it’s that team’s first ever time making World Cup.  High drama!   (5:00 PM, FS2)

RESULT:   Jamaica   2-2  /  2-4  PK

Image result for soccer drama

 

 

Real board game.   

Noob just up started the ol’ Christmas list.

  1. Canadia vs. Dominica – CONCACAF Nations League qualification

Double-dip Noob Canadiaian!

All the men’s teams in CONCACAF playing actually “qualify” for Nations League next year.   But the top ten finishers will make the next Gold Cup.  Those are our region’s championships.  There, they’ll join the six teams that made the final six for World Cup qualifying last year.

Canadia should be there.  They’re ranked #7 in all CONCACAF (if only 79th in the world), trailing only #6 Jamaica in terms of teams that have to play this event to make said Gold Cup.

Dominica are in the bottom half of CONCACAF, ranked #177 by FIFA.  In their first match, they got a draw against higher-ranked Suriname.

Noob is so torn!   Two workplaces ago, I worked with a guy both from Canadia and from Dominca.  Both were cool d00dz.  Funny, I’ve forgotten Canadiaian Ty’O’s first name.   Not sure I ever knew Dominican Julie’s last name.  But he was a laugh riot, even without my being able to understand half of what he said in his thick accent.

I remember one time having to help Julie decipher a speeding ticket, one he got for going so far over the speed limit that a court appearance was mandatory.   Ah, memories.

Wait, soccer, what?

  1. Cruzeiro vs. Corinthians – Brazil Cup

It’s the Final of the Copa do Brasil!   Second leg.  Cruziero took the first leg 1-0.

This is especially important compared to so many FA Cups the world over.  For example, in Europe, the winner is typically qualified for the second-tier Europa League.  Not Champions League.  Here, however, the winner gets into Copa Libertadores, S. America’s version of Champions League.

It’s extra super important this year because Brazil’s top league sends only six teams from there into the CL.  And these two traditional powers are somehow down in 10th and 11th place currently.  And the season there is in its home stretch.   This could be both these clubs’ only reasonable shot at CL.   (8:45 PM, Fox Soccer Plus)

RESULT:   Cruzeiro   1-2      Whoopsie!    Listed Cruzeiro as home team.  They were the visitors for today’s second leg.  Congrats, hombres!

Image result for copa do brasil 2018

 

 

Noob’s diggin’on the trophy, too.

  1. CD Aguila vs. Santa Tecla – El Salvador Primera

Aguila are tied for #B with undefeated Alianza.  Santa Tecla lead them both by two points in the table, but have played one more match than Alianza (the best team in the league in reality).

The soccer year here is divided into Apertura and Clausura (first and second-half seasons). Of the two winners, the one with the better aggregate record will qualify for the 2020 CONCACAF Champions League.  The other champion and the runner-up with the better aggregate record will get into the CONCACAF League, a tournament through which teams can qualify for the Champions League.

The three teams listed are way ahead of everyone else here in the Apertura.

RESULT:   Aguila   1-0     Aguila and Alianza are now in a tie for 1st

  1. La Equidad vs. Tolima – Colombia Primera A

In Colombia, the two stages of the season are Apertura and Finalizacion.  The winner of the postseason knockout tournament following each makes the Copa Libertadores.  So it’s not nearly as strong a league as Brazil.  But hey – they’re playing!

Tolima finished 3rd in the Apertura regular season before winning the postseason.  They’re part of a three-way tie for #B.

Leaders La Equidad have been a surprise this Stage, as they were below average during the Apertura.  They still don’t score like the biggest boys.  Noob thinks they’re primed to get upset at home.

RESULT:   Tolima   0-1       There is now a four-way tie for 1st

Image result for insurance team funny

 

A club nicknamed “The Insurance Team” just isn’t destined to stay at the top.

 

 

Tuesday

  1. U.S.A. vs. Peru – international men’s friendly

USMNT lost last week to Colombia 4-2.  It was a match in which they came from behind, but lost in the end.  It’s a very, very young roster, and in particular the backline was raw as could be.  Today, Coach Sarachan is switching back to a veteran, former Premier League goalkeeper – Sporting Kansas City’s Brad Guzan.  Critics argue the team should push nothing but youth.

The inclusion of veteran Michael Bradley is drawing ire from this crowd.   That’s not a defensible stance.  But Noob thinks that there are enough friendlies to go around.  If you want the players to learn, experience against great opponents, is, well, great.  But mixing in some seasoned folks to teach them from their own side, in their own locker room has to be valuable, too.

Today’s match is being held at UCONN’s soccer field, an oft-used venue for USMNT.  The two teams here are ranked #22 and #21 by FIFA.  Peru just finished pounding Chile 3-0 at the Hard Rock venue in Miami.  That team is ranked #12.    (7:30 PM EST, ESPN2)

RESULT:   1-1        U.S. looked decent when pressing forward.  When they could maintain possession at all.

Image result for too much america

 

 

Noob doesn’t get it.

Get to the footyball matches any way you can, Amuricuh.

B.  Mexico vs. Chile – international men’s friendly

And Mexico’s is ranked 15th, so it’s another quality matchup!  On paper.   That 0-3 loss was telling, and what it turns out it tells us is that Chile did not bring its top stars.    It’s being held at Liga MX club FC Queretaro’s home stadium in

But that’s okay, we’re here to support our CONCACAF neighbors.  Raul Jimenez scored the winning penalty kick-goal for Mexico in their last outing over Costa Rica.   This match will feature a lot of youth on both sides of the ball, so we’re not expecting a ton of goals, but perhaps another dramatic finish just the same.   (9:45 PM, Unimas)

RESULT:   0-1   Chile          The visitors score at 90′ in what was a pretty even match

Image result for mexican neighbors funny

 

Noob’s not going political on this site.  Just not in my ken.

But it seems a border wall might be susceptible to a Ned Flanders attack.

  1. France vs. Germany – UEFA Nations League

Groups of three, top finisher only from each advance to the Playoffs.   This is a League A matchup, meaning these two are from one of the Groups that are ranked by UEFA in top dozen.

They’ve both played two of their four matches.  Germany have yet to score, though they still earned a draw in one of those games.  France lead the Netherlands by a point in the table.

These two teams are ranked as tied for #1 and #12, respectively, in the world by FIFA.   Noob’s becoming less convinced those numbers matter in this tournament.

This is a new event, one designed to add some meaning to parts of the calendar that were previously filled with simply international friendlies.  It’s a pathway to getting into the 2020 European Championships, but that may not be motivating teams of this caliber.  They’re almost certainly going to be there no matter how they do here.   (2:45 PM, Univision Deportes)

RESULT:   France   2-1      Antoine Griezmann with both goals for the home side in the come-from-behind win

’10 to Track’ Relegation Monday (10/15) soccer matches – Matches of Suckitude

For our newest Noobites – Hi, and welcome to one of the light days of the soccer week!

Here at Noob, we take this this chance to embrace matches involving teams about to get kicked out of their leagues for poor performance.

Embrace their pain.  A burden shared is a burden lessened and stuff.

  1. Spain vs. England – UEFA Nations League

All three teams in this League A Group have played two of their four matches.  Winners of each Group in League A make the Playoff Stage.

They’re ranked 9th and 6th in the world by FIFA, but it’s Spain who lead the group.  In fact, they’re the only ones who have won a match.  Anything but a win and “The Three Lions” are no longer in contention.  (2:45 PM EST, Unvision Deportes)

RESULT:   England   2-3         For the winners, two goals for Raheem Sterling, two assists for Harry Kane, and one of each for Marcus Rashford.  But England still trails Spain by two in the table with one match remaining.

B.  Costa del Este vs. Plaza Amador – Panama National League

Panama’s top league is a curiosity to Noob.  Only two teams score a lot, and they both give up so many goals that it doesn’t really matter.

Costa del Este lead the league in the table by virtue of having the best defense of all.  Plaza Amador don’t score or give up goals much at all.  So far, the style has been good to the tune of their being tied for #B.   Top two finishers in The Apertura and Clausura (first and second half-season) make the league Playoffs.

RESULT:   CdE   1-0

Image result for number 2 gif

 

 

Sorry, Number Two.  You’re a Digit of Suckitude.

The Quest for Number B is ON.

  1. Libya vs. Nigeria – Africa Cup of Nations qualification

Top two finishers in each Group of four make the Cup next season.  They’re halfway through the Group Stage and these two are #B and #3 currently.

Libya are just barely ranked in the top 100 by FIFA worldwide.   But they’re #B after three matches!  They trail #B Nigeria by two table points.  The visitors today are ranked #48, indicating they should win this game handily, even on the road.

RESULT:   Nigeria   2-3      A painful loss for the Libyans.  They came back from down 0-2 to tie things up.      The second goal for Odion Ighalo wins it at 81′ for the visitors.

And now, your weekly Matches of Suckitooooooood!

  1. Ceara vs. Botafogo – Brazil Serie A

Ceara have only lost one of their last six!   That push has only been enough to get them to 18th out of 20 league teams.  And four will be Relegated at season’s end.  They’ve found a stride on offense, should catch Vitoria.  But they’ll need to also pass at least one another team.

Botafogo is #14 and struggle so much on offense that their one of the teams Ceara could end up passing if they are able to save themselves.   (7:00 PM, Premiere Futebol Clube)

RESULT:   0-0

Image result for vovo ceara

 

 

Not a cartoon ref, this is Ceara’s mascot, Vovo!

Their colors just happens to be black and white.

  1. Independiente de Valle vs. Guayaquil City – Ecuador Serie A

GC are so awful, there’s only one team that doesn’t score at minimum twice as often as them.  Last place.   Their defense is actually almost average.  Too bad for them midtable IdV’s is just as good.

Fun Fact:   GC’s stadium is named for Christian Benitez, who played in the early 2010’s for Liga MX club America for a then-record 10 million bucks.

RESULT:     ppd

  1. Dwangwa United vs. MAFCO – Malawi Super League

This isn’t one of Africa’s ranked domestic leagues.  But hey, they’re playing.  Not only that, they’re gifting us a double-Suckitude match!

The bottom three will get The Boot from this top-flite domestic league.  MAFCO are in second-to-last and have enough cushion to either side in the table that that won’t change in 2018.

Dwangwa, on the other hand, have hope. They’re just one spot higher in the table, but down only a little on GD to the team right above them.  They appear likely to finish a couple slots higher.  But this is the sort of game where they must get the three points, or Noob’s prediction will prove wrong.

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for dwangwa united

 

 

“Lakeshore” refers to Lake Nyasa, of which the Dwangwa River is a tributary.

  1. Trajal Krusavec vs. Teleoptik – Serbia Prva Liga

With it being International Break for Europe, we need to look into countries’ second divisions to find suckiness today.  Serbia’s top league is UEFA-ranked #19, newly cracking the top 20!  Their top feeder league will Relegate four teams when all’s said and done.

T.K. are in 14th of the 16 clubs.  They’re one of three that score half a goal per game-average or less.  Still, they play very solid defense and Noob thinks their destined to finish above the Cutline.  At home today against a midtable club, I think they’ve got a coin flip chance to win today.

RESULT:   Teleoptik   0-1

Less Than Fun Fact:   Krusavec was very successful as an industrial city as part of Yugoslavia.  However, it never recovered from the 1999 NATO bombings as part of the Kosovo War.

  1. Hapoel Marmorek vs. Hapoel Katamon Jerusalem – Israel Liga Leumit

The Israeli Premier recently fell out of the top 20 leagues in UEFA.  Right now, HKJ is #1 in the second division there, primed to move up to Premier.

If the season ended today, Marmorek would be in third-to-last, meaning they’d have at least a chance to stay up.  They’d have to play the third place third-tier club for the right to play in Leumit next season.

It won’t come to that for Marmorek though.   They’re one of the two weakest clubs there in Noob’s estimation, will be sent down outright.   Swiss cheese defense.

RESULT:   2-2

Image result for swiss cheese soccer

 

 

 

Swiss raclette cheese has fewer holes, could be a slightly better defensive option.

  1. Bogota vs. Tigres – Colombia Primera B

Is it really “Premier” if it’s B?   No offense, #B, but it’s a valid question.

Another is whether or not this league Relegates any teams at all annually.  Noob’s sources are conflicted.  If they do, Bogota is in position to go down, second-to-last place.  Defense if their severe bugaboo.

Tigres’ fight will to be to finish in the top half of the table.  They’re just below that now, and based on stats at least, they’re positioned correctly.  Noob surmises Bogota has about a 50-50 shot to earn a draw against them today.

RESULT:   Bogota   1-0

Fun Fact:   Bogota FC was originally named “Club El Condor”.

  1. Persiwa vs. Martapura – Indonesia Liga 2

The second-to-last place team in this league has nearly three times the points in the table as Persiwa.  As seems to be the theme today, they don’t bother with defense.  Still, #6 Martapura is just barely above average.  Noob thinks this one is fated to end in a draw.

RESULT:   Persiwa   1-0         It’s a Relegation Monday miracle!

Image result for wamena indonesia

 

 

So long from Wamena Papua (home of Persiwa) and the Baliem Valley Festival!

’10 to Track’ Sunday (10/14) soccer matches – CONCACAF galore, plus new Sandwich Review(oob) feature!

The ten most important matches to follow, for us – the newish American fans of of the global game.

And now, the perfect pairing – Sandwich Review Feature.

There’s real soccer info in here.  Somewhere.   But s**t’s about to get weird, y’all.

  1. U.S.A. vs. Jamaica – CONCACAF Women’s Championship / World Cup qualification

And then there were four.  Time for the Knockout Stage.  Three of the four will qualify for next year’s World Cup.

One will be #1 USA.  No one’s even scored on them all tournament.  Jamaica won’t.  They’re ranked #64 in the world.   (8:00 PM EST, FS1)

RESULT:   U.S.A.   6-0      Tobin Heath and Alex Morgan with two goals apiece.   Now officially headed to 2019 World Cup.

B.  Panama vs. Canadia – CONCACAF Women’s Championship / World Cup qualification

The other Semifinal!  #66 vs. #5.   The Final and consolation matches will be far higher drama.   (5:00 PM, FS1)

RESULT:   Canadia   0-7       Christine Sinclair and Adriana Leon with two goals each for the now officially World Cup-bound Canadiaians

Image result for dramatic letter B

 

 

Number B, rocking it as “dramatic dark sunset” Number B today.

Sultry.

  1. Poland vs. Italy – UEFA Nations League

This is a League A matchup.  Portugal is the third team in this Group within that league and they’re waaaay ahead after two games.   If either of today’s two want to have chance two in the group and make the playoffs, it’s vital they get a win today.

They’re ranked 18th and 20th in the world.  In their last ten collective matches, they have one win.  Therefore, Noob’s guess is they draw today.   (2:45 PM, ESPN)

RESULT:   Italy   0-1      While it wasn’t a draw like Noob predicted, Italia didn’t get their score until after 90′.

  1. New York Red Bulls II vs. Pittsburgh Riverhounds – United Soccer League

Last regular season match in the second division league.  These teams have cumulatively won their last 12 matches.  Talk about peaking at the right time!

#3 Pittsburgh can only drop down.  Even a draw and their three-seed is secure.  NYRB is in a three-way tie for 5th.  They can’t do better than #5, but could fall very far – even out of the top eight at the Playoffs entirely!

This will be a wide-open affair if Red Bulls control the pace.   They score like gangbusters, play the third-worst defense in the entire division.  Pittsburgh has always tried taking the air out of the ball.  Noob thinks Red Bulls score early, force Pitt to actually push forward for a change.  I think this is a home rout today.

RESULT:   NYRB II   2-1        And so Red Bull B-side do get the #5 seed

Image result for red bull funny

 

 

 

“If I could walk on water/ if I could find some way to prove/

If I could walk on water would you believe in me/ ‘Cause I believe in yooooou.”

  1. Saint Martin vs. Saint Kitts and Nevis – CONCACAF Nations League qualification

The hosts today are from the northern, French part of the island country.  The Dutch half has its own team.  They are both very weak.  SKN are one of the top 20 teams in in the federation, though just 134th in the world.

RESULT:   SKN   0-10         not a typo

TIME OUT FOR A NEW FEATURE!

Noob Sammich Reviewbs.  Reviewoobs?    TBD

Not sure how often Noob will do this, but it starts NOW.   It’s not enough to just talk soccer.  Let’s talk about what soccer fans talk about.  And eat.  I’m talking SAMMICHES.

Corned Beef and Swiss Sandwiches on Whole Wheat Bread

 

 

Corned Beef and Swiss Shamrock Sandwich.

 

 

This is a Nature’s Own-bread sandwich recipe.   Noob decided to find a corned beef sammich to compare to my all-time fave.

This is diced corned beef on whole wheat bread.  Swiss cheese.  A little Dijon mustard.  A little more horseradish sauce.  Plenty of reduced-fat cream cheese.

Noob’s all-time fave corned beef has the meat sliced.  Tomatoes, pickles, black olives, a little mayo.  Leaf lettuce is better.  I had it with shredded and that’s okay.

This sandwich is an affront to everything Noob believes in.  Diced meat of any kind, anywhere, is gross.   Put it in with all those soft ingredients and I start to doubt the possible existence of an omni-benevolent god in the universe.

Look, the Swiss cheese is fine.  Noob doesn’t need any on a cold sammich, but whatever.  Horseradish?   Like the music of Journey, I get what others like about it, but I don’t need to hear/eat it.  Cream cheese on any bread that soft?  Denied.

Put it all together and it’s…well, it’s diced meat in mouthful of mush.  That bread doesn’t look hearty enough to offer any respite from the rest of the awful texture.

Noob’s decided for now that the rating system will be on a 1-5 star system.  But instead of stars, the unit will be…Sammiches.

So!   This sandwich gets One Sammich from Noob.  It would get zero, but Noob has to leave room potentially finding an even lousier sandwich at some point.

Actually, let’s knock it down to just a half Sammich.  This sandwich pisses off the Irish by being shamrock-shaped on top of everything else.

Please respond with your reviewoob thoughts on Twitter @SoccerNoobUSA.  I’m also taking suggestions of sandwiches for future reviews.

  1. Chelsea Ladies vs. Arsenal – England Women’s Soccer League

Chelsea went undefeated in this league last year.  Still, they didn’t completely dominate on either side of the ball compared to their peers.  Arsenal finished 3rd, missing out on the Champions League by one point in the table.  The season is just getting going.

RESULT:   Arsenal   0-5        Changing of the guard?   Vivianne Miedema and Jordan Noobs with two goals each

  1. Marathon vs. Real Espana – Honduras National League

Marathon are tied for 1st in the table, though they’ve played two more matches than Olimpia.  Noob likes them to win the league though.  Not the very best on either side of the ball, but incredibly balanced.

Real Espana are in a three-way tie for 3rd.   They score more than anyone, but the utter lack of defense will make them midtable.  That trek starts today.

RESULT:   2-2

  1. Palmeiras vs. Gremio – Brazil Serie A

Going to be moving day today in Brazil potentially!  The league leaders host #5, which are also the defending Copa Libertadores champions.

This may not be the most exciting game to watch, not if you’re looking for goals.  But only four points separate them in the table.  And only the top four teams qualify to start the next CL at the Group Stage level.  So it’s still very high drama.   (3:00 PM, GOL TV)

Palmeiras   2-0        Deyverson with two goals.    Botch clubs stay in same spots in table

Image result for so exciting gif

 

 

Craig Robinson, at least, appreciates defensive footyball.

  1. Internacional vs. Sao Paulo – Brazil Serie A

#3 hosting #4 as well today is what makes it so special for the league.

Sao Paulo led the league for quite a while, but have come back to earth, as expected.   They’ve stayed afloat with a few draws, but haven’t won a match since early September.  The offense has trickled away for them.

Inter are coming off a curious loss to meh-at-best Sport Recife.  They’ve won just one of their last four, which have all been draws or decided by a goal either way.   (3:00 PM, Premeire Futebol)

RESULT:   Inter   3-1          Leandro Damiao with two goals.  So much for “Moving Day”.   These two also stayed in same table positions.

  1. Kenya vs. Ethiopia – Africa Cup of Nations qualification

The top two finishers in each Group of four make the Cup next year.  All four in this one have won a match, so the race is super tight.  These two lead the others by a point in the table, but have already played one more match than them.

They are FIFA-ranked 107 and 149, respectively.  but Ethiopia’s actually only scored one goal in their three matches.  Noob thinks this is where the higher-ranked Kenya’s have their breakout match.

RESULT:   Kenya   3-0

Image result for Nairobi weirdSo long from Nairobi!

If the animals look weird, it’s because they’re scrap metal sculptures.

The world is weird.

’10 to Track’ soccer matches – MLS and USL playoff hunts lead the way

it’s International Break for much of the league world.  That means we get MORE America and extra CONCACAF-feination in today’s Track!

Today’s Track may not be up much in advance, but I’m now Nine-Fingered Noob.  Went all Gollum on my own left ring finger at work last night.  OK, not really, did just slice off the tiniest bit.  Typing’s been hard.  Almost left all the inadvertent caps-lock stuff in just for fun.

  1. D.C. United vs. FC Dallas – Major League Soccer

With three regular season matches to go, #1 Dallas lead KC and LAFC by four points in the Western Conference.   Kansas City is and has been the better team on paper all season.   But they’re getting draws late, whole Dallas hasn’t lost in about six weeks.   In fact, only one team has even managed to get a goal on them in the last four matches.

Wayne Rooney & Co. are now only two points out of 6th place and the East’s final playoff berth.  They, too, haven’t lost in six weeks.  They’re success has been realized on the offensive end.  But it troubles Noob that they haven’t kept a single clean sheet in that entire stretch.

Defense travels, so I’m saying Dallas gets the road win in what is likely considered an even matchup in the District.  As badly as MLS likely wants DCU in the playoffs, today is when they’re comeback dreams die.   (4:55 PM EST, Univision)

RESULT:   D.C.   1-0

B.  Netherlands vs. Germany – UEFA Nations League

This is a League A match.  There are four separate Groups of three in League A.  In each one, the teams play four matches, double-round-robins.

France leads this one with four points after two matches.  This is the second match for these two today.  If they draw, France ends up in the driver’s seat.  Only the winner of each Group makes the Playoffs.

Since League A is pretty much the dozen best clubs on the continent, they’re all likely making the 2020 European Championships anyway.  But this event is another avenue towards qualifying for that.  In the world, they’re ranked #17 and 12.   In the Netherlands, this should be a toss-up.   (2:45 PM, Univision Deportes)

RESULT:   Netherlands   3-0      

Image result for font invented in 2018

 

A new tournament deserves a new-look Number B!

(Braille typeface front)

  1. Ireland vs. Denmark – UEFA Nations League

These two are part of League B.  Mirror image of A, just the next dozen down the rankings in Europe.

Denmark are actually 10th ranked in the world today.  UEFA rankings were used from a specific date, so the Danes must’ve been more down on their luck.  If the win this Group, they get promoted for League A when this event happens again, presumably, in two years.  And they’ll win it.

Ireland are FIFA-ranked just 30th.  They lost badly to Wales in their first match in this tournament.  Eire should be considered at least a full-goal underdog today.

RESULT:   0-0

  1. Reno 1868 vs. Orange County – United Soccer League

Usually Noob gives the American second division it’s due other times of week.  But so much of the world is on International Break, we have room.  With the Playoffs nearly here, perfect timing!   Teams have just this last regular season match to go.

Top eight finishers in each Conference make the Playoffs.  OC all but has the #1 seed wrapped up, home field advantage galore.  They’d have to lose today and Phoenix would have to win their last game by five goals for another tiebreaker to even come into play between them.

Reno have more on the line.  They’re #5 in the West.  They’re only a point behind Real Salt Lake, so they could still end up with the four-seed and a home game to start the postseason.  In fact, it wouldn’t necessarily even require a win.  A tie and an RSL loss-combo would do the trick.

RESULT:   Reno   3-1

Image result for reno 1868 supportersSo Noob’s jumping on the Reno bandwagon today!

Anything to go against stupidly-named Real Salt Lake.

  1. Ottawa Fury vs. Charleston Battery – United Soccer League

Charleston can’t lose or move up from the four-seed in the East.  Noob suspect they’ll rest starters given that.

Ottawa has been gritty and gutty all year – not truly good though.  They’re in 9th place, two points and a ton of tiebreaking GD behind Bethlehem for the last Playoff berth.  They should be able to net a win against the Battery reserves.  Unfortunately for them, Bethlehem hosts the hapless Tampa Bay Rowdies.  And the Steel will be motivated.  They could jump as many as three spots in the standings with a win.

RESULT:   Charleston   0-2

  1. Puerto Rico vs. Martinique – CONCACAF Nations League qualification

You can catch a few particulars in yesterday’s and previous posts.

This match is the first of four for these two teams.  Martinique aren’t members of FIFA, being part of the French football system.  But they’re in our region’s federation and they’re pretty good, considered 12th-best among national team here.

PR are just #175 in the world, well in the bottom half of CONCACAF.

RESULT:   Martinique   0-1

Image result for Puerto Rico national football team 2018

 

 

And since Puerto Ricans are Americans, Noob gives them the “gofightwin” cheer.

  1. Vorkuta vs. SC Scarborough – Canadiaian Soccer League

Welcome to the Track, CSL!   Don’t be fooled by the name though.  This league is really mostly or entirely Ontario-based teams.  Starting next year – unless it is pushed back again – the Canadian Premier League begins.   These teams won’t be a part of it, not unless they’re changing names and Noob’s missed it.

In any case, this is the playoff final for the current top league in Canadia!  It’s at a neutral stadium in Ontario, though since all the teams are from greater Ontario  *shrug*  They finished #B and #4 in the regular season, respectively.  The league was kind of top heavy.  Scarborough will do well to keep this within a goal.

RESULT:   Vorkuta   1-0

  1. Vorkuta II vs. Halton United II – Canadiaian Soccer League Division II

And here’s the undercard!   Also the playoff championship.  Same stadium, just two hours before the D1 championship.   These were the top two in the division regular season.  This match should be a little more competitive, but once again is Vorkuta who are moderately heavy favorites.

RESULT:   V II   3-2           chamPEENS!

Image result for so much canada

 

 

 

Just how much Canadia can you handle at once?

  1. DR Congo vs. Zimbabwe – Africa Cup of Nations qualification

Once again, Noobites can look at yesterday’s or past posts for some specifics on this event.

These two are both tied for the lead in their four-team Group (top two finishers make the Knockout Stage.  Congo (not DR) are tied with them, but have played one more match than these two so far.   They are ranked #40 one of Africa’s best – and #117 by FIFA.  So naturally, DRC are expected to lay waste to their guests.

RESULT:   Zimbabwe   1-2        Upset city!

  1. Central Cordoba de Santiago vs. Gimnasia LP – Copa Argentina

FA Cups are all about looking for Minnows – non-premier league underdogs.  And here in the quarterfinals we get one to root for.  Cordoba were relegated to the second division last year.  In fact, they’re below average even there early this league season.

Gimnasia are just a midtable team.  But they’re top -flite, should be considered a 1-2 goal fave on the road in this one-off match.  The winner will face River Plate in the Semis – an historically excellent team, but one that’s been more midtable themselves of late.   (2:00 PM, TyC Sports International)

RESULT:   Gimnasia   1-1  /  3-4  PK

Image result for santiago del estero funny

 

 

So long from Santiago del Estero!

Noob’s terrified to translate the parts he doesn’t know.  Blessedly rusty Spanish for meeeee.

’10 to Track’ Globetrotting Friday (10/12) soccer matches – from MLS to, well, everywhere

This was such a fun Track to write.  No one match jumps out above all others, but there’s a ton of fun and learning in today’s soccer travelog.

As always on Fridays, Noob starts us at or close to home, then we jet-set off to corners of the football globe ignored by most of the interwebs.  Feast.   Feast!!

  1. LAFC vs. Houston Dynamo – Major League Soccer

Los Angeles have pulled onto a tie for #B in the Western Conference with just three matches to go in the regular season.  Since the top two finishers get a bye out of the first round, that is high drama!   They’re actually still in 3rd, behind Sporting Kansas City on goal differential.

The Falcons suffered a puzzling loss two matches ago, getting blasted by the hapless Chicago Fire.  Even on the road, that’s not a club Playoff times should be getting blown out by.  But they did bounce back in their most recent match, skunking Colorado at their place, 0-3.

Houston have been eliminated from Playoff contention already.  They’ve played better ball of late, certainly highlighted by their U.S. Open Cup victory over Philly in the Final.  With that trophy in hand, it’s hard for Noob to imagine this the Dynamo matching LAFC’s energy, motivation.

For LAFC, the names to know have been Diego Rossi and Adama Diamonte.  The one Noob’s seen coming up more recently is Walker Zimmerman, a young defender from Georgia.  If he continues to be a consistent help in goal-scoring, this team will be hard to stop now and in the postseason.   (10:00 PM EST, ESPN+)

RESULT:   LAFC 4-2         The winning goal?    Walker Zimmerman

Image result for Walker Zimmerman funny

 

 

Hey, Walker, could you talk to Heinken about sponsoring Noob?

B.  Croatia vs. England – UEFA Nations Cup

Noob’s given some details a while back on this new European tournament, but I did not revisit them when previewing matches from it during this last Midweek Edition Track.  Here’s a wee bit:

This is a new event is meant to largely replace a bunch of friendlies all the teams are already playing anyway.  UEFA plans on having this played every other year.  All the men’s national teams in Europe may participate. The top 12-ranked teams play in four Groups comprising League A.  The next dozen play in League B, and on down the line.

Noob will detail particulars another time, but teams from all the Leagues within this Cup can use this tournament as another qualifying route into the next (2020) European Championships, the premier tournament for national teams which is held every four years.

So!  Croatia and England are currently FIFA-ranked #4 and #6 in the world, respectively.  In this competition, they are in League A (top league), Group 4 (arbitrarily numbered).   Both have a lot of catching up to do with the other Group member – Spain.`

Spain beat England 1-2 on the road and walloped World Cup runners-up Croatia 6-0 at home.  Only 1st place in each of these Groups get to move on to the League Playoffs.  The other two shall receive NO fruit cup.  None whatsoever.   (2:45 PM, ESPN2)

RESULT:   0-0     The draw all but guarantees that Spain will win this League A Group

Image result for letter B fruit

 

 

 

Number B – taunting those who will not receive fruit cup.

  1. U.S. Virgin Islands vs. Curacao – CONCACAF Nations League qualification

The six teams that played the final 2018 World Cup qualifying event (Hexagonal) already qualify for League A in the upcoming CONCACAF Nations League.  This tournament is being used to determine which other six teams will join them in League A.  The other teams will be placed in Leagues B and C, based on how they do this in qualifying tournament.

Each of the 34 teams in this event will play four matches, so goal differential could end up meaning a lot.  They’ll each play a match against another team club from each of the quartiles, which are based on a CONCACAF Rankings Index.  In other words, each team will play a roughly even cross-section of opponents, for fairness.

U.S. Virgin Islands are at a bit of a disadvantage.  On top of being only ranked #201 in the world, they don’t get to play any true “home” matches.  This is presumably because of the damage from Hurricane Maria.  So this and their other are being played in Bradenton, Florida.  They’re in the bottom quartile, lost their first match to Canadia 8-0.

Curacao – a country a ways off the coast of Venezuela and affiliated with the Netherlands politically – has a much stronger team, ranked #81.  In this event, they’re in the second quartile.  But their 10-0 trouncing of Grenada has them in 3rd place for now.

RESULT:   Curacao   0-5

Fun Fact:   US VI are “The Dashing Eagle”

  1. Algeria vs. Benin – Africa Cup of Nations

Unlike the above two tournaments, this is the premier national teams tournament for Africa, held every to years.  it is currently in its Group Stage.  Pods of four, double round robin, top two finishers will advance to the Knockout Stage.

They’re two matches into the Group Stage.  To no one’s surprise, the Algerians are 2-0.  Perhaps to the mild surprise of some, Benin have a win and a draw.  FIFA ranks them reasonably close together (#69. #88).  But the CAF lists Algeria as the fourth best team while not even listing Benin in the rankings (top 18).

This above discrepancy makes this tough for Noob to handicap.  But Algeria is good enough in a vacuum that at home they should be easily favored by a goal.  Benin would celebrate a draw, keeping them well ahead of Togo, probably the Group’s most likely candidate to advance as runner-up.

RESULT:   Algeria   2-0

Image result for benin surprise

 

 

Has to be this guy’s, oh, third Track appearance. 

Noob wants him on staff.

  1. CSD Macara vs. Delfin – Ecuador Serie A

HooWHEE!   That was a lot of mumbo-jumbo to try and digest.   Let’s cleanse our palate with some league action.

Macara are #1 in this Second Stage of the season.  The winners of each of the two stages vie for the league title.  They finished just 8th in the First Stage, so are something of a surprise here.  The defense has looked much better.   Their GD, however, belies a club that could easily be slipping back to midtable soon.

Delfin are tied for #B with another traditional league power, First Stage champs Emelec.  Statistically, they’re a little better than Macara.  Since that’s where the match is, this should be a dandy to watch – if you have a deep enough satellite package to catch this on GOL TV (9:00 PM).

RESULT:   1-1

Fun Fact:   Macara play in the city of Ambato.  They are named for an army fort.

  1. Tajikistan vs. Palestine – Bangabandhu Cup

The Final!   But the Final of what?

This tournament is a standalone event in Bangladesh.   Their football federation hosts this event every so often as a tribute to their nation’s founder, for whom it is named.  It was last held in 2016, the year before, and then before that last in the mid-90’s.

In the past, most participating countries have sent their national men’s teams reserves squad or elite youth teams.  This year, however, five of the six nations sent their A-clubs, including our two finalists.

Tajikistan’s team is ranked #120 in the world, while Palestine’s is #100.  They both advanced out of the same Group in that Stage.  Palestine won their matchup there 2-0.  But Noob smells a penalty shootout to decide this one!

RESULT:   Palestine   0-0  /  3-4 PK        Hail to the victors!

Bangabandhu Gold Cup logo.png

 

 

 

The pure, unadulterated joy of having started your own nation.

  1. Basque Country vs Venezuela – men’s international friendly

Noob proffers as mission statement that these Track’s embody “the ten most important matches to follow, for us – the newish American fans of the global game”.  Fridays, even I must confess the matches I include may not match up with that perfectly.

But this site is the outgrowth of my own soccer learning journey.   I think this is important because I didn’t know about it.  Let’s be global-game citizens!

The story here is “Basque Country”.  This team represents the autonomous, adjacent Basque areas of both Spain and France.  That said, the players are all from top Spanish clubs right now.  This team has existed since 1930, though they’ve only played an average of maybe three matches every two years.  Early in their existence, had Elo ratings been a thing, this team would’ve ranked #4 in the world!

The biggest non-FIFA football organization in the world is CONIFA, which represents peoples and teams from autonomous regions, national and regional diasporas, and stateless peoples.  Yet Basque Country has never been a member.

But they’re trying to get into FIFA!  And there’s at least indirect precedence for a team like theirs to be represented.   The United Kingdom serves as an example of one nation with multiple countries having membership.  And then places like Faroe Islands display that an autonomous country that is still truly a part of another nation (Denmark) can have membership.

Basque Country’s situation is apples to oranges to both examples above.  Still, they have commonalities with both.

As for today’s match?  It’s a friendly.  No idea how often BQ practices together.  The result isn’t what’s important, at least to Noob.   It’s that it’s happening at all that I love.

RESULT:   Basque Country   4-2

  1. Faafu Nilandhoo vs. New Radiant – Maldives Dhivehi Premier

And now we continue our journey to comparative footyball hinterlands once again with some far-flung leagues!   Maldives is an islands-nation southwest of southern India.  Their league is ranked just below average in Asia, 24th of 46 associations.

New Radiant are in 3rd place, but look statistically like the league’s best team.  Best offense and defense both.  Faafu Nilandhoo are in 8th of 10 clubs, on spot above the Relegation line.   Noob’s simply stunned that there’s at least one more league in the Maldives to which anyone could be sent down.

RESULT:   New Radiant   0-1

Fafà Picault.jpg

 

Never mind that he’s an American born to Haitian immigrants.

Noob thinks Philadelphia’s Fafa Picault needs to someday play for Faafa Nilandhoo.

  1. RC Bobo-Dioulasso vs. Comoe – Burkina Faso Premiere Division

This west African country’s league isn’t ranked on the continent.  And these two teams are low-midtable at #10 and #11.  And the season is just a few matches in.  But hey, they’re playing!

RESULT:   0-0

Fun Fact:   The Bobo language-speaking natives of Bobo-Dioulasso refer to the city simply as “Sia”.  Soooo much easier to pronounce.

  1. Al-Jaish vs. Al-Taliya – Syria Premier

This league is so fresh into its new season, Noob looked more at last year’s standings.  Al-Jaish won the league – by one goal in differential as a tiebreaker over Al-Ittihad.  And as the #15 league in Asia, they only get one club into their Champions League.  Al-Taliya finished 6th.

RESULT:       now listed for Monday, 10/29

Image result for Damascus funny

 

 

So long from Damascus, home of Al-Jaish!

Yeah, Noob doesn’t recall any banana peel-slippage story from the New testament.

’10 to Track’ Midweek Edition soccer matches – USMNT, El Tri lead the way

Noob’s had to quick-and-dirty the Thursday mini-previews.   My new work sched continues to wreak havoc with my sleep sched.  It os, of course, the fault of The Management.

Um, Noob?  That’s your “real” job.  The only sched I try to keep you to is the one related to taking your clearly under-dosing head-meds.

Just because you’re right, The Management, doesn’t mean you don’t need to pipe down.

Tuesday and Wednesday match results follow further down now.

To arms!

Thursday

  1. U.S.A. vs. Columbia – men’s international friendly

#22 and #14-ranked in world by FIFA, facing off for the nineteenth time since 1961.  Americans have one just four.

After the U.S. failed to qualify for World Cup, new, interim coach Sarachan has been mixing in a lot of youth.  This may be a particularly challenging evening for the U.S. on the defensive side.  Three of the backline players are getting their first USMNT experience tonight.

With top offensive threat Christian Pulisic out with an injury, the player to watch may be his fill-in.  Fafa Picualt played six years for Italian club Cagliari before returning stateside where he has remained.  He currently stars for the Philadelphia Union.   (7:30 PM EST, FS1)

RESULT:   Colombia   2-4         The U.S. actually fought back to take a 2-1 lead after falling behind 0-1.

  1. Mexico vs. Costa Rica – men’s international friendly

#15 hosts #37.   Mexico is mixing in a lot of youth as well.  They made the world cup, and even had a win over Germany.  Still, they feel it’s time for something of a changing of the guard as well.

A couple interesting side notes on this one.   Mexico typically prefers to play the in the U.S. (which they just did) as much as possible during the annual international break during October.   They sell an absolute crapton of tickets.

Also, this is the first time in three years their men’s team has played a friendly anywhere but Mexico City.   This match will be at club team UANL Tigres’ stadium in Monterrey.   (9:30 PM, Univision)

RESULT:   Mexico   3-2

  1. Costa Rica vs. Canadia – CONCACAF Women’s Championship / World Cup qualification

Canadia the second Group of four clubs here in the Group Stage.  Heading into this last match, they haven’t mathematically wrapped up a top-two finish, which would send them to the Knockout Stage.  But they’re 2-0 and have outscored opponents 14-0.  They’re going.

To not make it, they’d have to lose by 8+ today.  it’s more likely to be the other way around.  Also, Jamaica would have to beat Cuba by 15+.  Given how awful Cuba’s team is (outscored 0-20 so far), that’s not an impossibility.

Costa Rica and Jamaica are tied on points in the table, but C.R. lead by eight on tie-breaking GD.  These two are ranked #34 and #5, respectively, by FIFA.   (Edinburgh, TX – 10:00 PM, FS1)

RESULT:   Canadia   1-3

  1. Israel vs. Scotland – UEFA Nations Cup

UEFA’s newest league returns!   Noob is pressed for time at this hour, so Noobites will want to do a site search (or span the interwebs) for some details on this tournament, what and why it is.

These two are in League C of this event.  32 men’s national teams ranked above them are playing in A and B.  The three-team Group they’re assigned to within their League also features Albania.  They’re playing a double-round-robin.  The winner will get promoted to League B for next year, provided UEFA decides to continue with this event.

Scotland beat Albania 2-0 in their first and only match so far.  Israel lost to Albania 0-1.  FIFA ranks them #94 and #39, respectively.  In Europe they may be close-ish together ordinally, but that’s quite a gulf really.  Israel should consider it a moral victory if they can keep with a goal of the Scots.

RESULT:   Israel   2-1      Come from behind upset

Wednesday

  1. Trinidad and Tobago vs. U.S.A. – CONCACAF Women’s Championships / World Cup qualification

Teams are now heading into their last matches of this Group Stage.  The world #1-ranked U.S. women have already advanced to the Knockout Stage, outscoring their two opponents so far 11-0.  T&T carried the third-best FIFA-ranking (#52) in this group of four, but are already eliminated.  They’ve been outscored 7-1.

This match will not be competitive.  But that doesn’t mean it won’t be a treat to watch!   Catch the blowout in Cary, NC on FS1 at 7:30 PM EST tonight.

RESULT:   U.S.A.   0-7       Ms. Morgan and Rose Lavelle with two goals apiece

Image result for Alex Morgan drunkLadies, keep Alex Morgan from trying to catch a flight to Orlando to celebrate after.

(Kicked out of Disney World last year, drunk and screaming.)

 

(Google you up some particulars on this 2017 gem of a story at your convenience, Noobites.)

  1. Panama vs. Mexico – CONCACAF Women’s Championships / World Cup qualification

Now this one is a lot more meaningful.  Only the top two advance to the Knockout Stage, and these two are in the same Group as the teams above.

#66 Panama and #24 Mexico are knotted up at three points each.  Panama leads on goal differential by one teeny tiny goal.  If they draw tonight, Panama gets the surprise berth in the next Round.  Meanwhile, the Mexican women will wear the sad pants.  No World Cup.   (5:00 PM, FS2)

RESULT:    Panama   2-0       They’ll still have to win a match in two tries in the Knockout Round to earn a bid to World Cup.   But what a year for Panama!    First, their men’s team makes their first-ever WC, and now the ladies are on the doorstep.

Image result for wearing the sad pants

 

 

What does Noob mean by “the sad pants”?

Let’s address more important pants-questions first.

  1. Cruziero vs. Corinthians – Copa do Brazil

Brazil’s FA Cup has reached its Final!   This is the first match of a home and away two-legged tie for the title.  The winner automatically qualifies for next year’s Copa Libertadores (S. America’s version of Champions League).

This should be fiercely fought.  These are storied clubs, but neither is nearly high enough in their league table to qualify for CL without this title.  Both have struggled mightily to score all season, leaving them in 9th and 11th place, respectively.

Cruziero just fell to Argentinian Boca Juniors in the current CL, managing just one goal in the two matches.  And Juniors aren’t even playing that well in their own league this year.  Corinthians haven’t scored a goal since three outings ago.  It may be a defensive slog, but the action is available on Fox Soccer Plus at 8:45 PM.

RESULT:   Cruziero   1-0

Tuesday

  1. Louisville FC vs. North Carolina FC – United Soccer League

No MLS matches these three days, so we turn to the second division for our fix of American league action.  None of the matches over the Midweek feature playoff-slotted (top eight in conference) clubs.   So instead we have a Hiccup Watch.

Defending champs Louisville are currently #B in the East, which should be good for two home postseason matches.  They’ve scored 14 goals in their last four matches, of which three were on the road.

North Carolina are down in 10th.  But they should be plenty motivated – only two points behind 8th-place New York Red Bulls II.  And their GD is positive, even higher than Indy Eleven’s, and that club is in 4th!

So, we Track to see if Louisville can avoid having a Hiccup here, potentially falling behind Pittsburgh.

RESULT:   L’ville   2-1      Come-from-behind win for the favorites.  Cameron Lancater with two second half goals.

B.  Monterrey vs. Queretaro – Copa MX

Second-tier Juarez lost here in the Quarterfinals Round, so we’re down to all Liga MX clubs.   The winner of this last QF match will face 11th-in-the-league Pachuca in the Semis.

Monterrey and Queretaro are 6th and 8th-place in the league currently.  Given that only the top eight teams make the league’s postseason tournament, Noob is forced to wonder if Queretaro will partially or completely rest some starters.  League seems to always trump club in importance, anywhere you go.

On the other hand, Monterrey have been on a skid of late.  They’ve only won once in their last six matches across all competitions.   This could be a wild match and Noob dares not make any kind of prediction.

But guess who would?!   Resident prognosticator Noobstradamus has had a Vision.    Lay it on us unseeing mortals, oh, ancient one.

RESULT:   Monterrey   1-0        Guess it was the raw goat meat and cervezas after all, eh, Noobstradamus?

Image result for Noobstradamus

 

 

I am, indeed, older than dirt.   Thanks for the reminder.  But the setting of my Vision regarding this game was set in modern Monterrey. 

 

I was jamming with famous local alt-rock band Plastina Mosh, right on the Santa Lucia Riverwalk.  We were pounding out “los Oxidados” – the opening song from “Mr. & Mrs. Smith”.  I was on bongos, extending that instrumentation beyond the traditional intro and wailing away throughout!

Suddenly Jonás and the boys shifted into a slow, surprisingly sad, nameless norteño tune.  The bongos didn’t belong in this.  I shrugged my silent question of why at Alejandro.  A tear ran down his eye as he nodded towards the drum kit.  The bass drum now had painted on it “Queretaro 1-2”.

It was a powerful seeing, one I trust completely.  Except that I vaguely remember pounding Tecates the night before, and partaking in what was surely undercooked cabrito.   I often confuse food-related illness-born hallucinations  and Visions.  No one’s perfect.

OhhhhKAY.   While we try to ourselves divine what the fruit THAT was, please enjoy a musical interlude.  “Los Oxidados!”

  1. Switzerland vs. Belgium – UEFA Women’s World Cup qualification

The Group Stage is done and the winners of those seven pods of four have qualified for World Cup next year.  The top four second-place finishers from that round now start competing for one final berth.

So in these semifinal “Playoff Rounds”, the series will be two-legged ties, home and away.  Switzerland carried the higher FIFA ranking (#18), but they’re hosting this first leg.  Belgium aren’t far behind with a #23 ranking.  But given the lack of parity often seen in the women’s game, the Swiss should be considered a full-goal favorite today.

RESULT:   1-1       The two-legged tie ends 3-3.  Switzerlands advances on away-goals tiebreaker!

Wednesday and Thursday

coming soon!

 

’10 to Track’ Relegation Monday – the matches of Suckitude

Soccer scheds far and wide tend to run a little lighter right after the weekend.  Natch.

We here at Noob take advantage by taking you on a journey of Suckitude!  Embrace the darkness of a Monday.  Let’s get to know some teams on the edge of getting Relegated from their leagues.

Or will we see Monday Miracles?

  1. Seattle Sounders vs. Houston Dynamo – Major League Soccer

Houston is about to put a wrap on their season.  They just won the U.S. Open Cup.  But they’re in 10th here in the West, need a win to stay even mathematically alive for a postseason berth (top six from each conference get in).

Noob’s hoping they can manage exactly that!   When the opponent is Seattle, Noob will root for almost any team.  Little would please Noob more than to see the Sounders just lose and lose until they drop from 5th to out of the playoffs.

Noobites, I can’t ask you to join me on this journey of scorn.  The first hardcore soccer fan I met long ago was a college T.A. of mine.  A bandwagon-jumping Seattle fan with no connection to the area.  I love to imagine his sad face when woe comes to his team.   (10:30 PM EST, ESPN+)

RESULT:   Seattle   4-1      Victor Romero Rodriguez with two second half goals.

B.  Cuba vs. Canadia – CONCACAF Women’s Championship / World Cup qualification

Reminder:  Two Groups of four, top two finishers advance to the Knockout State.  Top three of those four make World Cup!

Cuba is not likely to be advancing.   They lost their first match 8-0.   Good LAWD.  88th in the world gets no respect.

The Canadiaians are one of the world powers, ranked #5.   Noob handicaps this match at Canada minus, oh, 15.   Unless a lot of Cuban national team fans are showing up to Edinburgh, Texas to turn it into a home-match feel.   (8:30 PM, FS2)

RESULT:   Canadia   0-12        not a typo.   really.

Image result for Canadian alphabet

 

 

Number B, a literary star the world over.

B is for bear, and bacon.  So much the bacon.

  1. Cork City vs. Bohemian FC – FAI Cup (Ireland)

The Irish FA Cup semifinal!   Winners gets runaway league champion Dundalk for the Cup.

Cork City won the 2017 league title and finished #B this year.   They’ll present a nice, clean changing facility and some lovely parting gifts to midtable Bohemian before whomping them by a goal or two.

RESULT:   Cork    2-1         On to the Final!

  1. Once Caldas vs. Leones – Colombia Primera A

Let’s move through the Sadness Soccer in order of likelihood of an upset, least to most.

Leones are last in the current league season and in the multi-year aggregate Relegation table.  They’re the only club that averages less than a point in the table earned per match.  They’re getting Booted to Primera B, if B will even have them.

Once Caldas are just a point out of 1st place currently.  Noob think’s favoring them by a goal and a half is generous.  To Leones.

RESULT:   0-0

Image result for magnanimous funny

 

 

You’re darn right Noob is.

  1. Guayaquil City vs. Deportivo Cuenca – Ecuador Serie A

Seven goals in 12 matches.   Is Quayquil even trying?   Really, they need not.  Last in their stage and the season’s aggregate table.  To avoid Relegation, they have to leapfrog two teams.  The second one is 14 points ahead of them.  Quayaquil has only scored seven points this entire Stage.

Cuenca are below average themselves, so this might be one of GC’s few chances to get a full-fledged win, being at home today.   (8:15 PM, GOL TV)

RESULT:   1-1

Fun Fact:  The second time Europeans went to loot Quayaquil, they had to suddenly quit the expedition when a yellow fever epidemic broke out.

  1. Fluminense vs. Parana Clube – Brazil Serie A

Only one team in the league hasn’t scored twice as many goals as Parana, and that club misses that mark by just two scores.  The bottom four get kicked out of this league, and Parana are ten points behind second-to-last place.

They’re not just getting Relegated.  They’re going to get forced to all retire, take up Tiddlywinks.

Fluminense are utterly average, and that’s good enough to expect them to coast to a two-goal win today.   (7:00 PM, Premiere Futebol Clube)

RESULT:   Fluminense   4-0

Image result for tiddlywinks world championship 2018

 

 

 

World Tiddlywinks Championships.  Real.

[insert joke HERE]

 

  1. Tigre vs. Estudiantes – Argentina Primera

Argentina uses a three-season table to determine which clubs offend them most.  Tigre are second-to-last in that.  But so far this early season, they’re actually playing just bad soccer, instead of their usual horrific variety.

Estudiantes are playing horrifically.  Surprising.  This is typically a midtable club.   Noob’s forced to consider this a toss-up at worst for Tigre!   (6:00 PM, TyC International)

RESULT:   Tigre   1-0

Fun Fact:  The team no longer plays in the actual town of Tigre, bur rather in Victoria, Buenos Aires.

  1. Nittaidai vs. NTV Beleza – Japan Nadeshiko 1

In Japan’s top women’s league – one of the world’s strongest – they automatically Relegate just one team.  But the next team up the table will have to play in a Relegation Playoff with a second-tier team for the right to play N1 next year.

Nittaidai are in that latter position.  The season is young, but it appears there will be a big gap between the bottom three teams and everyone else.  Noob makes no prediction on which wins this game of Melancholy Musical Chairs and survives.  They’re all equally crappy.

Oh, and Beleza win the league every year of late and should beat them by 2-3 in their own house.  Wheeee!

RESULT:   Beleza   0-4

Image result for nittaidai fc

“Yay – successful huddle!”

  1. Botosani vs. Dinamo Bucaresti – Romania Liga I

This is one of the European leagues that separates into Championship and Relegation subdivisions later in the season.  Just under a dozen matches in, it appears these two aren’t among the top candidates to actually get Relegated.  But they’re not far above them (11th and 12th of 14).

Both can actually score about as well as low-end midtable teams.  But they defend like wet papier-mache.

Not Exactly a “Fun” Fact:   The stand Dinamo’s ultras use is named after Catalan Hildan, a player who died at age 24.

RESULT:   Botosani   2-0         Maybe the tiniest of Miracles!

  1. Hapoel Tel Aviv vs. Ashdod – Israel Premier

We finish the Track with the least likely Relegation candidates that still qualify for today.   These two are two pretty average clubs that currently fall just below that Championship/Relegation line, same as Romania has.

HTA look to be trying to make every game 0-0.  It’s not an uncommon strategy for teams like them that were just Promoted, but that style of play rarely holds up over a whole season.

Ashdod don’t score much more.  Noob thinks they’re more likely to drop then climb into the top half and avoid danger.  This may be the Suckitudiest match of all, as Noob looks for it to be 0-0.

RESULT:   0-0       Ding!

Image result for hapoel tel aviv funny

 

 

 

Heavens!  Is that Hapoel’s junk just fallen clean off and sitting there IN the crest?

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Sun. (10/7) – MLS playoff hunt, and an EPL doozy!

The ten most important matches to follow, for us – the newish American fans of the global game.

And today, introducing the efforts of a new staff member,  sort of.  🙂

  1. D.C. United vs. Chicago Fire – Major League Soccer

Saturday, #6 Montreal clubbed Columbus.  This leaves 7th-place D.C. United five points in back of that last Eastern Conference playoff berth.

But as late as the season is getting, this is in no way a done deal.  Montreal may have only two matches left now, but D.C. have five.  And speaking of five, that’s how many in a row DCU haven’t lost.   Chicago are down in 10th.   They haven’t won on the road since June.

But the Fire pulled a home upset last match out against the West’s #3, LAFC.  If they want to make it two surprises in a row, Serbian international Nemanja Nikolic needs to follow up on his super September.  He’s their scoring leader.  The star last in the last win was American Djordje Mihailovic.   (1:00 PM EST, ESPN)

RESULT:   D.C.   2-1       Wayne Rooney strikes again.  And then again.

Image result for nemanja nikolic

 

 

 

In Amuricuh, Nemanja, we keep the pants on to play the footyball.

B.  Liverpool vs. Manchester City – English Premier League

6-1-0.  The last two undefeated clubs in England face off.  Raspberry scones for everyone!   It’s a watch party.

Defending champs Man City have to be licking their chops though.  Undefeated in the league Liverpool may be, but they’re just 0-1-2 across all competitions in their last three.  The offense has stagnated badly.

Man City have one four in a row.  They’re scoring like the pitch is a pinball machine.  That said, they haven’t faced a difficult league team mid-August.   (11:30 AM, NBCSN)

RESULT:   0-0

Image result for eating letter B

 

 

SoccerNoob’s six year-old daughter — PersonNoob! –thinks this bee is licking it’s chops and about to eat Number B.

  1. Toluca vs. Pachuca – Liga MX

Top eight will make the Liguilla (postseason).  Toluca are tied for 5th, while Pachuca lead a four-way tie for that eight-spot.

Toluca should be in better shape, but they just handed Atlas their first win of the season.   When each half-season tournament is just 17 matches long, can’t give up “easy” points.

Pachuca do look like the best of their clump of four, but Noob thinks their margin for error is extremely thin.  I don’t expect them to climb any higher than 8th.  Tigres lead them by three for 7th, are better on both sides of the ball.   (1:00 PM, Univision)

RESULT:   Toluca   2-1

  1. Panama vs. U.S.A. – CONCACAF Women’s Championship / World Cup qualification

Earlier this week, the American women pummeled Mexico 6-0 to open the Group Stage.  Noob’s primary source site still doesn’t list that match on the correct date.   But mea culpa.  No excuses, only reasons.  Part of my learning journey is where to get the raw info.

So!  The top two from each Group of four will advance to Knockout Stage, where three of the teams will earn their World Cup berth.  The Americans are the #1-ranked team in the world and will advance easily.

Panama is ranked just #66.  They did pull a minor upset in their opening match of this stage, taking down Trinidad and Tobago.  But the US are a whole different deal, even without being the hosts (the match will be in Cary, NC).  Noob favors them by 9.5 goals.   (5:00 PM, FS1)

RESULT:   U.S.A.   0-5          Wow, they held up better than Mexico

For your mid-Track listening pleasure – Panama!   But covered by Foo Fighters, so as not to be entirely cliche.  (FFW to 0:40 if you like)

  1. Mexico vs. Trinidad and Tobago – CONCACAF Women’s Championship / World Cup qualification

So if either of these teams loses the nightcap in Cary, that’s about all for them.  A draw would give both a little hope, presuming Panama doesn’t pull off an all-timer miracle in the above match.  They are ranked #24 and #52.

Given the lack of parity in the women’s game, that should mean Mexico is a two-goal fave.   (7:30 PM, FS2)

  1. Paris Saint-Germain vs. Lyon – Ligue 1

No one has beaten or earned a draw against PSG.

Lyon are in 5th.  Noob thinks they’re at least the third-best team in the league, but it’s hard to see them proving that today.  Both teams allow just under a goal per match, so defense hypothetically gives the visitors a shot.  The problem?  PSG average’s 3.5 per of their own.

RESULT:   PSG   5-0        Mbappe with four goals

Image result for that's too many gif

 

 

Sorry, Edward Norton.  The number is what it is.

  1. Zenit St. Petersburg vs. Krasnodar – Russia Premier

Noob was surprised to see Krasnodar helping headline a #1-#B match.   But upon further review, I see they’ve finished 4th in the league three straight years.  That doesn’t put them in the league leader’s class, but not far out!   The #6-ranked league in Europe deserves and will keep getting more of our attention.

Could it be Krasnodar’s time?  They’ve won seven straight over all competitions.  Meanwhile, Zenit just lost to bottom-feeder Makhachkala before sneaking out a home win over a Czech team in the Europa League.

  1. Benfica vs. Porto – Portugal Primeira Liga

Portugal’s top domestic league is just a notch behind Russia’s, but it means they only get two into the CL.  These two perennial powerhouses are #B and tied for #3.

Despite being behind two teams, Benfica are undefeated.  #1 Braga and their guests today have each been just a touch better on offense to date.  But – stunningly to Noob – Porto haven’t lost to Benfica in seven consecutive matches.   (12:30 PM, GOL TV)

RESULT:   Benfica   1-0     the streak is ended!

Image result for FC porto funny

 

Noob does speak Portguese.

But I’m pretty sure “inscrever” is a foul, foul verb…

 

 

Noob?  That means “register”. 

Fine, The Management.  Spoil all my fun.

  1. Kashima Antlers vs. Kawasaki Frontale – Japan J1 League

The Management puts in long hours keeping Noob’s inanity in check.  Solid job today.  Bet ya’ sweated off five pounds.  Our Japanophile’s reward?   J1 match stays just above the honorable mention-line.

And this is an important match.  With just a half dozen matches to go, Kawasaki have pulled into a tie with suddenly-spiraling Hiroshima.  They’ve not lost in four straight matches.  But the two matches before that?  0-1-1 in the League Cup, with both matches against Kashima.

The Antlers just won the first leg of their AFC Champions League semifinal tie.  But even winning that whole shebang doesn’t get them entry into next year’s.  They’re #3 in the league and need to finish at least that high to get in.   They’ve won five consecutive domestic matches, peaking at exactly the right time.  They haven’t even allowed a league-goal in two weeks.

RESULT:   0-0

Honorable Mention:    Canadiaian Soccer League (non-FIFA, Ontario-nased)- two playoff Semifinals;  #2 Vega Real vs. #3 Atletico de SF – Dominican Republic Liga Mayor ligulla;  #1 Racing Club vs. #6 Boca Juniors – Argentina Primera;

#3 Stumbras Kaunas vs. #1 Suduva – Lithuania A Lyga;  #4 Muang Thong United vs. #2 Bangkok United – Thai League 1;  #3 Ulsan Hyundai vs. #1 Jeonbuk – South Korea K-League 1;  #1 Al-Sadd vs. #3 Al-Sailiya – Qatar Stars League

  1. Verdes vs. Bandits – Belize Premier

No mere honorable mention for Belize – we finish the track with more CONCACAF-feination!

Even just eight games in, these two are about finished with the rest of the league.  It’s #1 versus #B and the rest of the back is eight points back of the latter.  Bandits haven’t lost, but two draws have them a point behind the pacesetters.

Both score three times a game on average and give up about jack squat.  Hard to think there will be an internet streaming of this match, but let’s all try to find one.  Pirate it if you must!  Yaaaargh.

RESULT:   Bandits   0-1       And we have a new #1!    (Oh, and for the record, this match may well have been played Saturday it turns out.)

Image result for benque viejo del carmen funny

 

So long from Benque Viejo, home of Verdes!

Our Lady of Mt. Carmel church.

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Saturday (10/6) – MLS playoffs are nigh!

What is Noob?  Well, I’m Noob, and the site is Noob.    Here, delight in the ten most important matches to follow for us – the newish American fans of the global game!

But be prepared.  My perspective is a little like the Sunday funnies — if the funnies were all just Farside comic strips.

  1. Real Salt Lake vs. Portland Timbers – Major League Soccer

Just three matches to go in the regular season for these two clubs, 6th and 4th place in the Western Conference.  Top six make the postseason, so things are getting hairy.

It pleases Noob to no end that RSL hasn’t won in their last three matches.   From our Constitution:

Article 1, Section 9: “No Title of Nobility shall be granted by the United States”

The “Royal” RSL are as un-Amuricuhn as a club can be!   Noob’s almost torn between wanting them to just lose every match, or sneak into the playoffs than get blown out.

I’ve thought it over.  Just lose every match.  People would rather see Zlatan and the L.A. Galaxy (just two points back in the standings) anyway.

Portland are treading water in 4th place, 1-1-1 in their last three against a solid slate of competition.

RESULT:   Portland   1-4      Sebastian Blanco with two goals

B.  Montreal Impact vs. Columbus Crew – Major League Soccer

A couple weeks or so back, Noob wrote that there were such big gaps between Columbus and both the 3rd and 5th-place clubs that they should just be penned in for the four-seed in the Playoffs.

Apparently, I’m still building my sense of how quickly teams can move up and down.  The Crew are still #4 and been playing ok, but Philly is now within a point of them.  And it’s not like the Union have been on a Seattle Sounders-like winning streak (they won something like nine straight recently).

More, NYCFC have struggled so much of late, Columbus could even catch them for #3.

Montreal, meanwhile, are going to be the six-seed or bust.  “Bust” would mean Wayne Rooney and D.C. United (two points out) completed their sensational comeback and caught them.  It will be interesting to see how the Impact look tonight, given that their Evan Bush-led defense just gave up a five-spot to D.C. while getting skunked.

RESULT:   Montreal   3-0         The Impact looked juhhhst fine!    This doesn’t secure them that six seed mathematically, but they’re on the brink now.

Image result for Evan Bush goalie funny

 

 

Um…. Evan?

The ball?

  1. Cruz Azul vs. Monterrey – Liga MX

They’re over halfway through the Apertura (first half-season) in Mexico.

Santos just slipped ahead of Cruz Azul for 1st yesterday, courtesy of a win over last-place Atlas.  But this is a good matchup for the home team today.  Cruz Azul succeed on defense, the league’s best.  Monterrey, though in 4th, have struggled on offense compared to the other title contenders.

RESULT:   Cruz Azul   2-1       It was 1-1 at 24′ when Monterrey went down a man to a red card.

  1. Watford vs. AFC Bournemouth – English Premier League

It’s not Noob-bias – my beloved Fightin’ Cherries are in the best-looking English match of the day!

AFCB recently suffered a harrowing defeat to then last-place Burnley, 0-4 on the road.   They’ve rebounded nicely with wins in the EFL Cup over D2 Blackburn and in-league over Crystal Palace.   Neither was a dominant performance.  The defense isn’t looking fantastic.   But at least things didn’t completely unravel.

They’re tied for 6th with Watford, who started the league season on fire.  But they’ve not won a match since beating Noob dreaded Tottenham  Sir Topham Hatt Hotspur two weeks back.   Watford, if you never win a match outside of beating those traitorously-named yahoos (Harry Percy – boooooo!), you’ve still done the Lord’s work.

RESULT:   Bournemouth   0-4      Watford had a fellow red-carded in the first half with AFCB up 1-0.   Josh King scored the next two goals.

Image result for Watford crest

 

 

But your crest still looks like a vaginoplasty waiting to happen.

Sorry, Watford.

  1. Lille vs. St. Etienne – French Ligue 1

PSG are running away with the league title already, even with the season just eight-nine matches in.  But with AS Monaco more than struggling, the other league invite to the Champions League group stage is wide open!  (France gets a third club in, too, but that one has to get through the qualification stage there.)

That brings us to Lille.  They’re #B, looking good on both sides of the ball.  If not for PSG, they’d have the league’s best offense among current table-toppers.

St. Etienne are tied for 3rd, but they’re weaker on the both sides of the ball than the teams around them in the standings.  They’re a midtable club-in-waiting.

RESULT:   Lille   3-1        Jonathan Bamba with two goals and an assist.

  1. Sao Paulo vs. Palmeiras – Brazil Serie A

Sao Paulo started this season on a surprising run, but have fallen back to earth a little of late.  They led the league for some time, now sit in a tie for 3rd.  Three straight draws have kept them afloat, but these were against teams that a club serious about the title should’ve been winning.

Palmeiras are a more traditional power, at least recently. They’re back in 1st, haven’t lost since 9/12.  They’ve won four straight over Sao Paulo.

RESULT:   Palmeiras   0-2

Image result for get serious funny

 

 

 

Sao Paulo’s nickaname is “The Battle Monkeys”, so maybe they can get serious once again!

OK, that might not be factual…

  1. Herediano vs. Saprissa – Costa Rica Premier

Welcome back to the third-best league in CONCACAF!   Save your hate mail, Costa Rica, Noob knows you think you’re better than MLS.  Can we agree it’s close?  Bueno.

#3 hosts #1 today in a classic battle from this league, two mainstays of power there.  Herediano are six points back of 1st.  They need to make a showing on offense today, get a W, or they’re about to fall nearly out of the trophy-running.

Saprissa won’t make that easy – league’s best D.

RESULT:   Herediano   2-0

  1. Cosmopolites vs. Cavaly – Ligue Haitienne

Haiti?   Noob, is this really more important than #2 Kansas City against #7 L.A. Galaxy?

Great question, voice in my head.  But look.  Noob could call all the MLS matches “more important” from the American perspective.  But we’re going to get to know our federation neighbors.

Noob’s never found official rankings for CONCACAF domestic leagues.  But if league strength corelates to GDP (and it usually does), this one is probably not that great.  Come on in to the Track party anyway, Haiti!   There is acceptance with Noob.  And look!  Noob brought out the fine meats and cheeses platter.

Haiti splits their year into two-half season, just like Mexico and so many others.  They’re just a few matches into the second half-season now.  The league is just a few matches into the season.  Cosmopolites are #1, Cavaly in 3rd.  Both are surprises, as Cavaly didn’t make the top six and postseason during the first half, and Cosmo finished second-to-last.

Cosmo still doesn’t have much defense, so their stay at the top will probably be short-lived.  If Cavaly can keep up a 2:1 GD ratio somehow, they’ll make the Playoffs.

RESULT:   0-0

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How thoughtful, Haiti!   You brought wayal– cassava flatbread and hot pepper-spicy peanut better.

  1. Vardar Skopje vs. Academy Pandev – Macedonia Prva Liga

“We’re below average, but we just passed Moldova in the UEFA rankings!” – discarded Macedonian football league slogan

This will at most be a three-club race for the title – these two and Shkendija.  Since Shkendija kicks butt, but is just in 3rd now because of some draws, this is a hypercritical match.   V.S. have yet to lose, but don’t look better really than Pandev.  And Shkendija won’t lose at home today to a midtable team.

RESULT:   Vardar Skopje   3-0

  1. Albirex Niigata vs. DPMM Brunei – Singapore Cup

It’s the FA Cup Final in Singapore —  and being contested by a Japanese reserve team and one from Brunei.  Anarchy, woohoo!

Both teams play in Singapore’s top flite, the S.League.  Niigata are the reserve team of a now-D2 club in Japan.  They have yet to lose on the league season.  Brunei’s entrant is midtable and should be considered a two-goal underdog.

The match may not end up being competitive, but Noob is always down for two soccer-y things:  #1-#B league matchups and for Cup finals.

RESULT:   Niigata   4-1         Hail to the victors of the non-Singaporean Singapore FA Cup!

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So long from ClubV, Taiwanese disco club, Singapore!