’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Wednesday (5/9) – a tidal waves of FA Cups

So much hardware is being handed out today, the sun glaring off it all will be blinding.  FA Cups galore!

But the ten most important games for us – the newish American fans – begins closer to home.  Then, on to the Cup Finals!

  1. Atlanta United vs. Sporting Kansas City – MLS

You can’t ask for better than the two Conference leaders facing off.  Atlanta are two points better in the overall table, chase for the Supporters’ Shield.  Home field should mean everything tonight, as Atlanta lead the league in average attendance, too.  Not bad for a second-year club.   (7:30 PM, NBA League Pass 6, Fox Sports South)

Noobstradamus Sees:  …The Management filled with ire and rage for his in-house prognosticator!  The spirit world from which the visions come is not biased, Boss-Man.  Atlanta  2-1.

RESULT:   KC   0-2   Happy The Management!

Image result for angry boss funny

 

 

Noob will help you through this, The Management.

B.  Utah Royals vs. Orlando Pride – NWSL

#6 Utah is unusual for an expansion team, as they’re really good on team defense, but struggle a touch on offense.  Orlando looks the same.

Noobstradamus Sees:  …himself making no prediction here, instead deferring to Number B.

RESULT:   0-0

Image result for royal letter B

 

But don’t let it go to your head, Number B.

  1. Tottenham Sir Topham Hatt Hotspur vs. Newcastle United – English Premier

Noob-reviled Hotspur now only lead Chelsea by two points in the table for the fourth and final Champions League invitation.  Two matches to go.

Newcastle are earning the “class prize” of sorts.  They’re in a four-way tie for 10th, easily the best position of any of the three clubs that were promoted to Premier this season.

Noobstrdamus Sees:  0-0!   Hotspur is playing sketchy ball down the stretch (yay!), while Newcastle have lost three straight – and not even to terribly strong competition.

RESULT:   Hotspur   1-0

  1. Juventus vs. AC Milan – Coppa Italia

The Final, at the Olympic Stadium in Rome!

AC Milan is 6th in league play.  Despite winning their last two matches, they have falling out of contention for even a Europa League berth.  This is the one game they have left that matters.

Juventus are now up six points over Napoli with two matches to go.  Any inkling they might’ve had to rest any starters is probably shoved aside now.  (3:00 PM, GOL TV)

Noobstradamus Sees:   Juve 2-1.  A late AC Milan goal will give them a few moments of hope.

RESULT:   Juve   4-0

Image result for coppa italia funny

 

 

Juve’s version of Justin Timberlake is decidedly not bringing sexy back.

  1. Tosno vs. Avangard Kursk – Russian Cup

Another Final!  Volgograd is the neutral site for this odd matchup.

Tosno were promoted to Premier last year, and are in position now to head right back to second-tier.  Kursk are a below-average team from the second-tier.

Noobstradamus Sees:  …a nation not caring much about this Final probably, not with their hosting of the World Cup imminent.

RESULT:   Tosno   2-1   chamPEEENS!

  1. Dynamo Kyiv vs. Shakhtar Donetsk – Ukrainian Cup

More Final?  Yes, please!   And this is a Final as it should be, with the historic and current league powerhouses coming together.  Dinipro is the neutral site city.

Last they played, in league, DKyiv won 0-1 at Shakhtar’s.   They’ve been scalding hot, not losing a league match since late February.  Donetsk have beaten all comers since that loss to DKyiv.

Noobstradamus Sees:   Kyiv 1-1, winning in pk’s.  Scoring for both has slowed some the last couple matches.

RESULT:   Shakhtar   0-2    Trophy time!

Image result for noobstradamus

 

But the prowess of Noobstradamus’ prognostication-ability never wanes!

That sounded cool, right?   Right?…

  1. Sturm Graz vs. Salzburg – Austrian Cup

Klagenfurt am Worthersee.  That’s fun to say.  It is where this Final is being held (neutral).

These two finished #B and #1 in league, but it wasn’t a close race.  Salzburg only lost twice, while SG did so 5x as often.

Noobstradamus Sees:  …a statement game-finish for Salzburg, 5-2.  SG’s weakness was easily goal-defense all season.

RESULT:   Sturm Graz   1-0  in AET

  1. Slavia Prague vs. Jablonec – Czech Cup

The barrage of Finals continues!  The neutral site city for this one is Mlada Boleslav.  They are #2 and #4 in the country’s best league, one with a pretty tight table up top.

Noobstradamus Sees:   Slavia Prague 3-2, in a barrage of goals!

RESULT:   Slavia Prague   3-1   (Hey, was close on one!)

Image result for czech cup funny

 

 

Admit it – you’re feelings for Czech football are moving in a positive direction.

  1. Beitar Jerusalem vs. Hapoel Haifa – Israeli Cup

Here’s a Final that’s actually not at a neutral site.  If league #B Beitar can control the pace, this would be a nifty one to watch.  They score and give up goals in spades.

Noobstradamus Sees:  …that defense travels!  Hapoel Haifa gets the upset, 1-2.

RESULT:   H Haifa   1-3    Woohoo!

  1. Slavia Sofia vs. Levski Sofia – Bulgarian Cup

This Final is at the national stadium in Sofia, though this season it’s also been Levski’s home pitch as well.

Levski looks like they will finish #3 in the league, get to play another final of sorts for a Europa League slot.  Slavia are “the best of the rest”, as they narrowly missed making the league championship subdivision.

Noobstradamus Sees:   Levski controlling the pace and getting a 0-0 draw, but then losing in PK!

RESULT:   Slavia Sofia   0-0 / 4-2 PK     OK, that was stunning.  Nailed it!

Image result for sofia bulgaria funny

 

So long from Sofia, Bulgaria!

Noob overpacked.

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Tuesday (5/8) – US Open Cup leading the way

Wednesday in particular is going to be SO chock full of exceptional matches that Noob is expanding the usual three-day, one-post Midweek Edition into three full days!

I’ll wait for the applause to die down.

OK, splendid.  Onward and upward to the ten most important matches for us, the newish Americans fans of the global game – to follow!

  1. Portland Timbers U23 vs. Kitsap Pumas – U.S. Open Cup

It’s not so much that this one particular match is “important”, but Noob felt it was past time to post that the event had started.  And it’s the only match from the event today.

This is America’s FA Cup.  Competing are the 20 US-based MLS clubs, 22 of the second-division USL teams.  Also in – through qualification rounds – are 41 teams from the unofficial fourth tier (there is no “third tier”) NPSL and PDL and 13 from local amateur leagues.

Kitsap (Bremerton, WA) are here from the Northwest Conference of the NPDL, winners of the playoffs there.  Portland’s most seasoned youth squad won the Northwest Division playoffs in the PDL to get in.  This is the First Round.  The winner will take on Reno 1868 out of the USL.

Noobstradamus Sees:  Nothing.  I have a policy of not prognosticating when kiddins are involved.

RESULT:   PTU23   5-0

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Only madness can ensue from such.

B.  Swansea City vs. Southampton – English Premier

Probably about a quarter billion pounds on the line.  Two matches to go, and these two are tied in the table for 17th.  Southampton lead on GD.  Bottom three of the 20 clubs get Relegated to the second tier Championship League next season, so they’re straddling that line.

Swansea haven’t won a match since early March.  Southampton actually have a win and a draw in their last two games.   (2:45 PM Eastern, NBCSN)

Noobstradamus Sees:   1-1.  More tension!

RESULT:   Southampton   0-1   And with that, West Brom are now Relegated along with Stoke City.  One more to be determined.

Image result for letter B gif

 

 

Number B, adding to the tension and high drama.

  1. Les Herbiers vs. Paris Saint-Germain – Coupe de France

Minnow madness!   Les Herbiers are from the third tier of French football.  And they’re on the edge of being Relegated down another level this season.  Yet here they are!   Technically, this is at a neutral site, but only in that it is not on PSG’s home pitch.  But it is in Paris.   (3:05 PM, beIN Sports)

Noobstradus Sees:   I’m not telling!  Because I want to be wrong.  PSG are tops in all France.

RESULT:   PSG   0-2

  1. Aberdeen vs. Rangers – Scottish Premier

Two matches to go, and these two are #B and #3, separated in the table by just a point.  Hibernian lurk just two more points back, looking to steal one of their Europa League bids should either falter.

Noobstradamus Sees:   Aberdeen 2-0        Rangers are going to be a mess, as their going through a late-season managerial change.

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for aragorn fallen off cliff

 

Falling off a cliff will mess up a Ranger as well.

  1. Buriram United vs. Jeonbuk – AFC Champions League

It’s the Round of 16, first leg.  These two are entrants from the #9 and #4 leagues in Asia.  Noob’s doubtful either can reach beyond the next round, so let’s pay them attention while we can.

Noobstradamus Sees:   Jeonbuk 1-2     The top leagues in Asia are simply much better.

RESULT:   Buriram   3-2

  1. Al-Ain vs. Al-Duhail – AFC Champions League

Your undercard today from this tournament is a tough one to handicap.  Al-Ain – from UAE – only snuck in because the qualifying 3rd-place team from the top league there last year merged with a different club.  They have to exist as they are for three years to be eligible.

Duhail are here by virtue of winning last year’s top league in Qatar.

Noobstradamus Sees:   The crystal ball is cloudy.  Either there’s not enough of a sample size with Al-Ain to know how good they might be, or I need to find some Windex.

RESULT:   Duhail   2-4

Image result for bad merger funny

 

 

Crazy-bad merger idea

  1. Debrecen vs. Puskas FK Academy – Hungary FA Cup

These two mid-table teams from Hungary’s top division are facing off in a Semifinal.  Puskas took the first leg 4-0.

Noobstradamus Sees:   Puskas 1-3     Until their last match, they’d been in a seven-match unbeaten streak.  Debrecen have been going the opposite way.

RESULT:   Debrecen   2-0    But Puskas advance on aggregate, 4-2.

  1. Cobh Ramblers vs. Longford Town – League of Ireland Cup

This is not the country’s FA Cup.  Rather, mostly only teams from the top two divisions complete.  They invite a few lower division and even junior teams sometimes to round things out.  This is a Quarterfinal, featuring two second-tier sides.  They are #8 and #6 in their league, respectively.

Noobstradamus Sees:  Longford  0-1!   Apparently Rambling doesn’t involve scoring much, but Cobh hasn’t much all season.

RESULT:   Cobh   2-0

Image result for rambling bad funny

 

 

 

[insert self-deprecating joke about Noob’s own rambling HERE]

  1. Atletico MG vs. San Lorenzo – Copa Sudamericana

It seems odd to Noob these two would be meeting in the First Stage.  These are the top two entrants from South America’s top two countries, Brazil and Argentina.   Maybe it’s a completely random draw.  Weirdness.  Also, it’s the only one of the three matches from this event today not televised on a network one might get here in America.  More weirdness.

Aaaanywho, this is South America’s equivalent of Europa League.  San Lorenzo won the first leg 1-0.

Noobstradamus Sees:  …this very even matchup ending as it should.  Atletico 1-0. then winning it in PK’s.

RESULT:   0-0    San Lorenzo advances on aggregate, 1-0.

  1. Al Quwa Al Jawiya vs. Al Ahed – AFC Cup

This isn’t really analogous to Europa League, other than that this is a secondary tournament to the AFC Champions League.  Top teams from leagues in what their confederation has deemed “developing soccer countries” play in this one.

AQAJ – out of the Iraqi Premier – have won the last two years.   They are also the defending champions of AFC’s #11 league.  Ahed are undefeated this year in the Lebanese Premier (league #21).

Noobstradamus Sees:  Nothin’.  Qawa Jawiya are messing with the Scrabble-part of my prognosticating brain.

RESULT:   AQAJ   3-1

Image result for iraq goodbye funny

 

 

 

So long from Iraq, Noobites!

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Relegation Monday (5/7) – suckitude powers, engage!

Monday, Noob will not fight you.  Never have, never will.  Instead, I embrace your dark side.

Join me, Noobites, in getting to know some teams that are about to get Departed from their current league.  May they rest in peace in lower leagues.

But first, three non-Relegation matches of varying import —

  1. Penn FC vs. Ottawa Fury – USL

If the U.S. had promotion/relegation, these two would be candidates to go down to the third tier.

Penn FC are the previously-named Harrisburg City Islanders.  Rebranding, meh.  Spend time scouting some players who can score instead.  (Five goals in seven games)   You’re in 13th.

Ottawa is one of the NASL clubs that have moved over this season from that currently non-operational league.  They stunk there, they stink in USL.  Last place.  They’re offense makes Penn’s look hyoooooj.  (Two goals in six games)

So why Track it?   Honestly?  Because it’s the only U.S. match at either of the top two levels today.  Muricuh!

Noobstradamus Sees:   Penn 1-0, in front of a crowd of dozens.  Rebranding, haha.

RESULT:   Ottawa   0-1   Game-winner scored in the 87′

Image result for muricuh

 

 

Soooo much Muricuh it’s blinding.

B.  Al-Sadd vs. Al Ahli – AFC Champions League

The Group Stage survivors now begin the knockout Round of 16.

Al-Sadd finished #B in their Group.  They also finished #B in Qatar’s top-flight league (#3-ranked in Asia) and won the nation’s FA Cup.  Al Ahli finished #B in the Saudi Premier (#7-ranked).

Noobstradamus Sees:   2-2     Al Ahli are better, but Al-Sadd has been scoring like on a pinball machine.

RESULT:   Al-Sadd   2-1

Image result for letter B pinball

 

 

Number B, retro-cool

  1. Besiktas vs. Kayserispor – Turkey Super League

Europe’s most dramatic league finish is in Turkey.  The top three clubs are separated by just three points.

#4 Besiktas have played one fewer matches than the leaders, can move within a point of #B/#3 with a win today.  #8 Kayserispor have overachieved to even be that high in the table.

Noobstradamus Sees:  The home Black Eagles winning 3-1.

RESULT:   Besiktas   2-0

  1. Anzhi Makhachkala vs. FK Akhmat – Russia Premier

Makhachkala are in a precarious position with just one league match to play.

In this 16-team league, they are tied for 14th (ahead on GD).  The bottom two will be automatically relegated.  The next two play in a Relegation Playoff for a chance to stay in Premier.

Noobstradamus Sees:   #11 Akhmat getting the road win, 1-2.  The hosts can’t defend worth a lick.

RESULT:   Akhmat   0-2

Fun Fact:  Anhzi means “pearl” in a somewhat local Turkic language

Image result for defenseless funny

 

 

Speaking of no defense…

  1. Pacos de Ferreira vs. Rio Ave – Primeira Liga

It’s a party at the bottom of Portugal’s top-flight table– there’s a three-way tie for last!  PdF have the best chance of avoiding The Boot though, as they have two matches to play.  Their peers are down to just one.

The bad news is that Rio Ave is #5 in the league, play the best defense outside of the league’s runaway top four.

Noobstradamus Sees:  Rio Ave  0-2

RESULT:   0-0

Fun Fact:  PdF are “the Beavers”.

  1. Sepsi OSK vs. Concordia Chiajna – Romania Liga I

Chiajna are in third-to-last place.  Whichever club finishes in that spot will play the 3rd-place team from Liga II for the right to be in Liga I next season.  Sepsi are two points up the table.   This league has several matches still to play, and things at the bottom are tight.

Noobstradamus Sees:   Chiajna 0-2    Sepsi returns to their woeful offense-ways after a stretch of decent football.

RESULT:   Chiajna   0-2    See, Noobstradamus sees all!  Well, some.  A little…

Fun Fact:  Chiajna is really three villages, with a combined pop. of less than 9000.

Image result for chiajna monastery

 

 

 

Chiajna Monastery

  1. Etar vs. Pirin Blagoevgrad – Bulgaria First Pro League

Bulgaria’s Relegation system is so unnecessarily drawn out.  Noob started to spell it all out here, but it was dizzying.

Here’s the need-to-know.  The worst four teams now play in a bracketed Relegation Playoff.  these are two of those.  They will be joined in the end by the #B and #3 Liga II teams.  Win two games, you’re saved.  Otherwise, demoted.

Noobstradamus Sees:  Stars, and a spinning room.  Bulgaria, clean this crap up.

RESULT:   Etar   2-1

Fun Fact:   No Fun Fact for you, Bulgaria!  Clean.  This.  Up.

  1. Sirius vs. Orebro – Sweden Allsvenskanliga

This summer league is just beginning.  Still, Sirius is near the bottom, trying to ramp up their league-worst offense.  Orebro are in 5th, one of three still-undefeated teams.

Noobstradamus Sees:   Orebro 0-2

RESULT:   Orebro   2-4

Fun Fact:  IK Sirius is also the name of a bandy club, bandy being basically ice hockey, but with a ball.   Noob’s sirius.

Image result for that's just awful

  1. Banfield vs. Chacarita Juniors – Argentina Premier

All four sides to be Relegated here are already determined.  So long “Undertakers”.  What a weird nickname, Chacarita.  (6:00 PM Eastern, TyC Sports International)

Noobstrdamus Sees:   0-0    Banfield are below average themselves.

Fun Fact:  The shortest word you can play in Scrabble using all the letters in “Chacarita” is “tachycardia”.

RESULT:   Banfield   2-1

  1. Johor Darul Ta’zim II vs. Sarawak FA – Indonesia Premier

They’re only about ten games into the season, but JDT II have got to start scoring if they’re going to get their first win of the year.  Sarawak are mid-table.

Noobstradamus Sees:  …you surprised to find out that despite the “Premier” name, this is not Malaysia’s top league!  That would be their “Super League”.  This doubles as the Fun Fact.

RESULT:   JDT2   2-0

Image result for johor bahru malaysia funny

 

 

 

So long, from Johor Bahru, Indonesia!

‘10 to Track’ soccer matches for Sunday (5/6)

Noob worked an unexpected double last night. Life as a couch insurance salesman can be brutal!  So today’s Track had to be quick and dirtied.

But the best ten matches for us – the newish American fans of the world’s game – are still quality and cannot be stopped!  Noob’s here for ya’.

  1.  Orlando vs Salt Lake – MLS

Swamp City vs “Real” Salt Lake. Horrible urban planning vs “royalty” – Noob carries no truck with such!

That said, Orlando’s looked REALLY good this year.  Looking for 3-1 today.   (5:00 PM Eastern, NBA League Pass 6)

RESULT:   Orlando   3-1

B.  Chelsea vs Liverpool – English Premier

Chelsea is in must-win mode if they are to catch Hotspur for #4 and the league’s last CL slot.

Liverpool are #3 and have been on fire. But perhaps they’re worn out from making this year’s upcoming CL final. Noob’s guessing 1-1.   (11:30 AM, NBCSN)

RESULT:   Chelsea   2-1     Chelsea now trail Hotspur by just two points.  Two league matches to go for each.

3.  North Carolina Courage vs Chicago Red Stars – NWSL

The best pro women’s soccer has to offer!

RESULT:   1-1

4.  Real Madrid vs Barcelona – La Liga

The reigning and perhaps about to once again be CL champs host the league’s undefeated champs. Best match of the weekend.   (2:45 PM, beIN Sports)

RESULT:   2-2     

5.  Marseille vs Nice – Ligue 1

#4 Marseille is on outside looking in for a CL berth. France only gets three slots. Nice are #7, should lose by a goal.

RESULT:   Marseille   2-1

6.  Lazio vs Atalanta – Serie A

Lazio are tied for 3rd, but Inter are just a point back. Four go to CL, so this is going to be one whale of a finish. Atalanta have recovered from a sluggish season late to climb to 6th.

RESULT:   1-1

7.  Club Brugge vs Anderlecht- Belgium First Division A

First Division A feels like a moniker assigned by the Redundancy Department of Redundancy. Had to be said. Top two collide here.   (8:45 AM, Eleven Sports Network)

RESULT:   Anderlecht   1-2    And so the defending champs now trail Brugge by just two with three league matches left.

8.  Aberystwyth vs Connah’s Quay – Welsh Cup

The final!  Noob would’ve had this higher on the list, but CQ are going to drub them mercilessly. Ayfdyztdfigi are an also-ran in this league.

RESULT:   CQ   1-4    Hail to the Cup victors!

9.  Santos vs UANL Tigres- Liga MX

Tigres won the first leg of this postseason Liguilla quarterfinal 2-0. But Santos won the regular season and have the firepower to win over today.   (7:00 PM, Univision Deportes)

RESULT:   2-0    And for Santos, that’s enough to advance.  By rule, the team which finished higher in the table for the regular season moves on if the tie is even.

10.  Huancayo vs Sporting Cristal – Peru Premiere

The Final!  Peru’s top league just finished their First Stage. These two won their Groups. Noob’s pick is Cristal today.

RESULT:   1-1    This was the first leg.  On 5/12 they’ll play again at Cristal.

’10 to Track’ for Saturday (5/5) – MLS goodies and Liga MX Liguilla lead the way

Ah, the weekend!  Where Noob takes his soccer coverage (comparatively) seriously).

Let’s dig right into the ten best matches for us – the newish American fans of the game – to follow.  Commence!

  1. LAFC vs. FC Dallas – MLS

Which will be the better expansion club in their first season – LAFC or the NHL’s Golden Knights?  LAFC are #B in the Western Conference while Dallas lurk in 4th, just three points behind.   (1:00 PM Eastern, NBA League Pass 6)

Noobstradamus Sees:  Dallas   0-1    Defense travels, and Dallas has the best in the West.

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for rodeo soccer gif

 

 

No defense for this in Dallas…

 

B.  New York Red Bulls vs. NYCFC – MLS

It’s Hudson River Derby.   That’s cool.  Not as cool as Hudson River School, but cool.

#6 hosts #1 in the East.  Red Bulls score just about as much as their hosts today, and are just as good on defense.

Noobstradamus Sees:   NYRB   3-2     And every goal will be scored in the second half.  *bonnngggg*   (10:00 PM, ESPN)

RESULT:   NYRB   4-0

Image result for hudson river school

 

 

Noob- where footyball and art history collide.

 

  1. Monterrey vs. Tijuana – Liga MX

It’s a Quarterfinal in the Liguilla.  #3 Monterrey achieved a draw in the first leg, 1-1, can now take care of business at home.  Tijuana finished the regular season 6th.

Noobstradamus Sees:   An upset!   Once again, defense travels.  Tijuana goalie Gibran Lajud stands on his head, and time ends with 0-0.   Then the Xolos take it in pk’s!

RESULT:   Tijuana   1-2    Los Xolos advance to the Semis!

  1. Sporting vs. Benfica – Primeira Liga

These two are tied for #B in Portugal, and only two will get invited to Champions League – high drama!

They look about the same on paper.  They trail #1 Porto by five in the table.  Someone has to win to stay in the title chase.  Loser is out.  If they draw, both are likely finished.

Noobstradamus Sees:   Sporting 3-2 in a shootout!   Offensive whirlwind Bas Dost scores two for Sporting, including the game-winner.

RESULT:   0-0

Image result for Bas Dost goal

 

Bas wants to know if you are entertained.  Are you not?

 

  1. Newcastle Jets vs. Melbourne Victory – Australian A-League

The Semifinals featured a stunner as league behemoth Sydney FC went down to the Jets.  Now they get to host the Final!  Melbourne V. finished 3rd in league play.

Noobstrdamus Sees:   …that this was a two-team league.  Newcastle 3-1.

RESULT:   MV   0-1    “Half your luck” to MV!  Champeeeens

  1. Slavia Prague vs. Viktoria Plzen – Czech First League

The Plzen-ers have the league title nearly wrapped up, leading #B Slavia Prague by nine points in the table with four matches to play.  S.P’s more worried about hanging onto the league’s second Champions League invite, as Olomouc are just two points away.

Noobstrdamus Sees:   Plzen win 1-2 in pk!

RESULT:   Slavia Prague   2-0

  1. Beitar Jerusalem vs. Hapoel Be’er Sheva – Israeli Premier

Plzen-er?  Be’er?   Noob’s looking for a sponsor, and has no problem with it being a boozahol producer.

Since the league divided into championship and relegation subdivisions, Beitar Jerusalem have only expanded their small lead over today’s gusts.  Four matches to go, and that change in the air you feel is a changing of the guard coming.

Noobstradamus Sees:   Beitar Jerusalem 2-1

RESULT:   Be’er Sheva   1-4

Image result for you're not funny

 

 

 

Quiet, tot!  You’re not old enough to be judging my boozahol jokes.

 

  1. Trnava vs. Dunajska Streda – Slovakia First League

Three league matches to go, and Trnava lead D.S. by seven in the table.   A win today all but mathematically wraps up the title and only CL slot.

Trnava are a rare breed, as they’re winning it all without having anywhere near the league’s best offense.  And their league-leading defense isn’t that impressive on paper (20 goals given up in 29 matches).

Noobstradamus Sees:   0-0    *sad sound effect*

RESULT:   Trnava   2-0

  1. Videoton vs. Ferenczaros – Hungary NB 1

#B hosts #1 in a two-horse race for the title and only CL berth!  They’re separated by only a point in the table, and about statistically even as well.

Noobstradamus Sees:   Nothing.  I’m blocked mentally by the idea that Videoton sounds like a place where I can rent “Better Off Dead” on VHS.

RESULT:   0-0

  1. Kawasaki Frontale vs. FC Tokyo – J1 League

This is a slight The Management-sop.  Not that this isn’t a quality matchup – #3 hosting #2 – but there are plenty of equally good and important matches around the globe to follow.  But The Management is a Japanophile and must be appeased.

FC Tokyo luuuhhhv a wide-open game.  Score aplenty, let the other side try and keep up.  And it’s worked to date.  Kawasaki play some amazing defense, giving up about half a goal per game average.

Noobstradamus Sees:   …having to restrain The Management to keep him out of seedy soaplands if and when we ever go East at the same time.

RESULT:   FC Tokyo   0-2

Image result for soapland police

 

Aftermath of soapland fire in Saitama, Tokyo.

Listen to the Noob.  They are bad.

Goodbye from Japan!

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Globetrotting Friday – from MLS to a Saudi surprise

TGIGF!

‘The ten best matches for us – the newish American fans – to track’ takes its usual Friday bent, as we Trot the Globe!  Today, we’ll start in locales familiar, then jetset to four continents for footyball action!

There must be a crack in the airplane window today.  Nothing but a low oxygen level explains Noob’s weirdness this round…

  1. Toronto vs. Philadelphia Union – MLS

Philadelphia, we’re used to you being ungoodly.  8th in conference last year, same this season.

But Toronto?!   The defending champs are in last place in the Western Conference.  Apologists will say they had been putting most of their early season effort into the CONCACAF Champions League (in which they lost in the Final).  Contrarians might contend their stars are getting long in the tooth.   (8:00 PM Eastern, NBA League Pass 6)

Noobstradamus Sees:   Philly 0-1.   On a late penalty kick.  After a bad call.

RESULT:   Toronto   3-0

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It’s about time I was co-lead of this shite soccer site.  

Time to clean stuff up!

B.  Brighton & Hove Albion vs. Manchester United – English Premier

It will be interesting to see which side brings the energy today.  #B Man Utd. have already locked up their Champions League berth for next year.  BHA are in 14th, but could still be fighting hard for a top half finish.  Plus, each position up in the table is worth an average of about 2M pounds.  Not that Noob knows if the players get it.

BHA’s issue all season has been goal-scoring.  For a table-top team, Man Utd don’t score in droves, either.    (3:00 PM, NBCSN)

Noobstradamus Sees:   1-1     BHA scores early, Man Utd decides late that they’d like a point.

RESULT:   BHA   1-0

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Noob hopes that’s a BHA fan, supporting the quest of Number B!

  1. Real Salt Lake City vs. Orange County – USL

Division Two this may be, but what a matchup.  The current 3rd-place and defending Western Conference champs take on #1 OC.

Real SLC trail OC by three in the table, but have played two fewer games.  But that’s not the only reason OC lead.  They are tied for the league’s best offense and sport the #1 defense as well.

Noobstradamus Sees:   Real 3-2.   Which sucks.  Because tenured Noobites know how Noob feels about anything royal/”real” in Muricuh!   Did we fight the Revolutionary War for no reason?

RESULT:   Real   2-1

  1. Al Ahly vs. Esperance – CAF Champions League

Africa’s Champions League group stage begins!  Four groups of four, top two finishers in each advance to the quarterfinals.

And Group A is your “Group of Death”.  These two clubs are why.   They are the runaway winners of the continent’s best two leagues (Egypt, Tunisia).

The other two in this group are a Botswanan club that had to get through a qualifying round and the champs out of Uganda – a mediocre, one-entrant league.

Noobstradamus Sees:   Al Ahly  4-1      The “Red Castle” are going to make a statement right out of the gate.

RESULT:   0-0

Image result for group of death funny

  1. Braga vs. Boavista – Primeira Liga (UEFA #7)

Two league matches to go in Portugal, and things are scalding hot at top of table.

Braga trail the #3 and #B clubs by just three points.  To get a Champions League berth, they’ll have to pass both.  The good news for them is that they would likely hold the goal differential-tiebreaker over one of them should that come into play.

Noobstradamus Sees:   …Braga having no trouble with #8 Boavista.  Too much firepower up front.  Braga 3-1.

RESULT:   1-1

  1. Dynamo Kyiv vs. Mariupol – Ukraine Premier (UEFA #8)

D.K. lag behind #1 Shakhtar Donetsk by five points.  Even with surely a dominating performance today versus #5 Mariupol, they’re unlikely to catch up.  But Ukraine gets two into Champions League, so their weeping for what is lost will be short-lived.

Noobstradamus Sees:   D.K.  2-0

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for weep for what is lost

  1. Istanbul Basaksehir vs. Sivasspor – Turkey Super Lig (UEFA #10)

If Portugal is “scalding hot”, Turkey is pure lava!  The top four in Turkey are separated by all of four points.

Top two get into Champions league, and Besiktas is #B with three league matches to go.  But they face the toughest test this weekend among those top four, the #7 Spartans of Sivasspor.

Noobstradamus has had a stunning vision!

“I dreamt I was in the movie “Meet the Spartans”.  Kevin Sorbo and Diedrich Bader were doing battle in a gladiatorial stadium.  I looked on with Carmen Electra as the two combatants pelted one another with petrified baklava.  We delighted in the blood and faux-chocolatey spatter as they danced their dance of death.”

“In truth, the battle was very one-sided.   Sorbo, in a Sivasspor football kit, stood over the prone, dessert-covered Bader in his Istanbul gear.  Just before slamming the fatal shard into his heart, Sorbo shouted, ‘1-2’!”

It was a pretty abrupt ending to a terribly strange dream.  But Noobstradamus is only a host for the visions, not the controller.   Sivasspor deal a mighty blow today to Istanbul’s title hopes.

RESULT:   1-1     Maybe I shouldn’t have eaten chilidogs and watched Hercules and Outsourced back-to-back so late…

Image result for Kevin Sorbo Diedrich Bader

 

 

But in real life —

Best frehhhnds!

  1. Waterford vs. Dundalk – League of Ireland Premier (UEFA #38)

#3 hosts #2 in one of Europe’s “summer leagues”.  They’re only maybe 2/3 of the way through their season, not in the last matches like the “bigger” UEFA leagues.

Cork City is #1, but not running away with the title like last season.  Dundalk trails them by three, and surprising Waterford is just three more back.

Noobstradamus Sees:   1-1    This will only be the fifth goal Dundalk has conceded all season.

RESULT:   Waterford   2-1

  1. Barcelona SC vs. LDU de Quito – Ecuador Serie A

If this looks familiar, it’s because it should.  These two just played on 4/29 in a Noob-featured match.  Quito hosted and won 2-1.  They now lead BSC by a point in the table.  But now BSC hosts.

Noobstradamus Sees:   1-1     Quito is better on both sides of the ball, if not by leaps and bounds.

RESULT:   Quito   0-1

  1. Al Kawkab vs. Al-Raed – Saudi Pro League qualification

It’s a Final!  And Noob would be willing to bet no one else in the English-speaking world is previewing this match.

Al-Kawkab finished 4th in the second-division First League.  And they got whupped in the first leg by top-tier bottom feeder Al-Raed, 4-1.

If Kawkab has hope, it is that Raed played the worst defense in their league, and they played among the best offense in their own.  And Kawkab did score in that first road leg.  Noob suspects the player who got that – Senegalese forward Mignane Diouf – will have to catch fire.

Noobstrdamus Sees:   Kawkab   2-1     Good, but not good enough

RESULT:   0-0

Image result for goodbye from Saudi Arabia

 

 

And goodbye from Saudi Arabia!

UEFA Leagues #7-15 Wknd Preview (5/5-6) – the Contenders get their due!

Welcome to the weekend preview for what Noob is tentatively referring to as “UEFA’s Next Up-Leagues”.  I’m open to name suggestions.  These are leagues ranked #7-15, the ones that get precisely two Champions League invitations.

The ones above get three or four, those below get one.  Some are leagues that have slipped, others are up-and comers.  You can find previews on the very top leagues most anywhere.

(Note:  The ranking is UEFA’s coefficient ranking used strictly for determining how many clubs get CL invites for two years out.  This is not a valuation of the strength of the depth of the leagues.  Points toward the ranking are only earned through CL and Europa League participation.)

Noob composed this for a third party site, though it doesn’t appear to have made their cut.  This in many ways resembles the ’10 to Track’ format, and I ask that Noobites forgive any match-overlap.

Let’s visit the Contenders!

LEAGUE SPOTLIGHT

League:  Primeira Liga, Portugal

UEFA:    #7

Match:  Sporting Lisbon vs. Benfica  (Saturday, 5/5)

Table:  Porto – 82, Benfica – 77, Sporting Lisbon – 77, Braga – 74

This league got passed by Russia’s Premier in 2017-18.  The gap isn’t huge, but Portugal has no clubs left in the current Champions League or Europa, so we won’t see a change.  Their hopes of climbing back up rest on the same three historically powerful clubs.

This match features two of them, and there are scant few matches left to be played.  Benfica lost their last match at home to #10 Tondela.  They can blame getting assigned to EL instead of CL squarely there if that comes to pass.

Sporting Lisbon, meanwhile, have won every league match in April!  The competition hasn’t been the fiercest, but that’s still quite a streak, and they’ve managed it with both low- and high-scoring matches.  They’re every bit as good on defense as their visitors today, and score in absolute droves.  They’d be favored even on a neutral field.

Key Player:          Bas Dost – Sporting Lisbon

The Dutch striker has averaged more than a goal per match in which he’s played this season.  Sporting want this to be a shootout, and Dost’s will be prominently involved if that happens.

Prediction:          Sporting 3-1

 

Ukraine Premier League – Shakhtar Donestsk vs. Zorya Luhansk  (Saturday, 5/5)

Ukraine’s is a two-horse league – today’s hosts and Dynamo Kyiv.  Both have already qualified for Champions League.  Shakhtar lead Dynamo by just three in the table, and only the league winner will qualify directly to the Group Stage.

Zorya are in 4th, qualified to EL.  If they can get to 3rd, they make the Group Stage specifically.  They only trail 3rd-place Vorskla Potlava by a point.  It’s hard to see them making up ground today though.  They have trouble on defense for a top club here, and no one’s been stopping Shakhtar’s scorers all season.

 

Belgium First Division A – Club Brugge vs. Anderlecht  (Saturday, 5/5)

Four matches to go, five points separate these two in the table.  Anderlecht have two rivals for the second CL invite, so the pressure is squarely on them.  Brugge is the offensive behemoth of this league, while Anderlecht have been getting by comparatively on gut and grit, taking close games all season.

The good news for Anderlecht?  Brugge’s been playing just .500 ball since the league regular season ended and the clubs divided into championship and relegation playoff subdivisions.  The bad news?  They’ve only been .500 themselves.

 

Super Lig, Turkey – Istanbul Basaksehir vs. Sivasspor  (Saturday, 5/5)

Welcome to the most dramatic league finish in Europe this season.  They’ve even got it over on Italy.  Four clubs are separated by just four points for the title.  More, the 3rd and 4th place teams have played as many as three fewer matches than the clubs above them.  Anarchy!

#1 Galatasaray just beat #4 Besiktas Sunday, 4/29 to retake that position, but they’ve played the most matches.  None of the Big Four play one another this week.  So the key match this one, because #7 Sivasspor represents the best chance of an upset.

 

Austria Bundesliga – LASK Linz vs. Rapid Wien  (Saturday, 5/5)

We’ve now reached a point in the UEFA rankings where neither club going to CL qualifies directly to the Group Stage.

Neither of these clubs – #3 and #4 in the table, respectively – is likely to catch Sturm Graz and snag a CL berth.  They have already both clinched EL invites though.  Whichever can stay #3 has to play one less qualifying round there.

Rapid Wein have laid waste to the lesser teams of the league.  LASK Linz should be able to take care of business at home today…if they can score at all.  It’s been there weakness, and a big one.

 

Switzerland Super League – St. Gallen vs. Basel  (Sunday, 5/6)

Basel have already clinched 2nd place (and cannot catch 1st) and their CL slot.  Will they be less than motivated going forward?  Basel sure hopes so.  They’re in 4th and in line for EL, but haven’t clinched even that yet.  They trail Luzern by just one, so could get 3rd and skip a qualifying round.  But Zurich lurk only four more back.

Truth be told, St. Gallen’s overachieved to this point.  They’re defense is [insert lame Swiss cheese joke HERE].  Zurich will catch them.

 

Czech First League – Sparta Praha vs. Viktoria Plzen

Praha = Prague.  Plzen is pronounced “pl-zen-yuh”, as the n should have a mark above it that my touch keyboard doesn’t list amongst its special characters.

Language lessons aside, this is the best league in Europe you hear absolutely zilch about.  Plzen are about to live up to their victorious-moniker and clinch, up nine on 2nd place Slavia Praha with just four matches to go.  Sparta Praha are in 5th, clinging precariously to the league’s last EL spot in a tight bunch on both sides of them.

 

Eredivisie, Netherlands – Heerenveen vs. Feyenoord

Everyone seems so surprised the Dutch men’s national team didn’t qualify for World Cup this year.  Don’t be.  Their domestic teams have been abysmal in international play this season.

Just one match to go!  Feyenoord won the KNVB (FA) Cup, and so qualified then for EL, there they’ll be.  The next four teams in the table will vie postseason for the leagues last Europa invitation.  Even a draw today all but guarantees Heerenveen a place in that playoff.  A loss and they open the door to get jumped by ADO Den Haag.

 

Superleague Greece – Pas Giannina vs. Olympiakos

Congrats!   You’ve made It to league #15 in UEFA.  Croatia (who probably pass them next year) on down only get one representative each in Champions League.

All the European League spots have been claimed here, so the drama’s actually all gone out of this league.  In the table, anyway.  So far this season, #2 team’s owner angrily stormed the pitch twice in a single match with a holstered handgun plainly visible.  And Olympiakos’ fans are so unruly, the league docked them three points in the table.  Never know what you’re getting in Greece.

#3 Olympiakos would be really hot about that deduction if it had cost them a Champions League berth.  This is the last match of the season and they’re behind #2 by four though.  None of the top clubs here have tough matchups today.  Pas Giannina are #11 and host, represent the best chance at an upset this weekend.

’10 to Track’ Midweek Edition – Champions League, Copa Libertadores lead

We got one Relegation Monday miracle yesterday, as Indonesian Liga 1 bottom feeders PS TIRA defeated the defending league champs!

What kraziness can the Midweek bring?  Scroll on, and ponder what might be, as the ten most important matches for us, the newish American fans, are previewed as only Noob can.  (Thank goodness…)

Tuesday, 5/1

  1. Real Madrid vs. Bayern Munich – UEFA Champions League

Real Madrid’s quest for a third-straight title continues!  They won the first match of this Semifinal 1-2.

Bayern dominated statistically, in every way except the one that counts.  They’re not out of this by any stretch, but they have to have two goals today.  A 0-1 victory leaves them losing on away-goals tiebreaker.

RESULT:   2-2     A horrid bit of goalkeeping early in the second half cost Bayern dearly.   Real advances to to the Final.

Image result for German domination funny

 

German kitty?  Perhaps.

Relevant to soccer?  Well…

Noob’s level of caring about relevance – zero!

B.  Gremio vs. Cerro Porteno – Copa Libertadores

South America’s Champions League group stage rolls on.  Groups of four, top two advance to the next round after double round robin.

The defending champs from Brazil – Gremio – host.  They should be destroying this group, but have had two draws.   They should easily beat their Paraguayan guest today, take over 1st in the Group by a point.

RESULT:   Gremio   5-0

Image result for cartoon letter B

 

Number B will destroy all with those sharp–

Wait!   Dat azz.

  1. Slovan Bratislava vs. Ruzomberok – Slovak FA Cup

The Final!  This will be played in Trnava, a neutral site for these two.

S.B. are 3rd in the country’s First League, and very well-balanced.  Ruzomberok are in 6th, not quite .500 for their record, struggle on offense for a top-half table team.  In fact, they haven’t scored in their last four matches.

RESULT:   S.B.   3-1

Wednesday, 5/2

  1. AS Roma vs. Liverpool – UEFA Champions League

Liverpool led 5-0 before giving up two late goals.  Will those come back to haunt them?

In the previous round, Roma trailed by three goals as well, came back to win the two-legged tie.  They’re looking for 3-0 or 4-1 today, as then they win on away-goals tiebreaker.  Noob thinks this looks like 1-2 Liverpool though.

RESULT:   Roma   4-2     But it’s not enough.  Liverpool are on to the Final!

AS Roma logo (2013).svg

 

 

It’s a classic imagery trope.  Noob knows.

But that doesn’t mean it isn’t disturbing as all get-out for a crest.

  1. Chicago Red Stars vs. Orlando Pride – NWSL

These two are #B and #6 in the nine-team U.S. women’s pro league, respectively.  Chicago have picked up where they left off in last year’s 4th-place campaign, scoring oodles of goals.

Orlando are in trouble today, as they’re not even averaging one per contest.  When one builds a city on a swamp, bad things are destined to happen.  Know your history.

RESULT:   Orlando   0-2     Swamp City!!!   *shakes fist*

  1. Sacramento Republic vs. Portland Timbers II – USL

Our one American game of the Midweek for the Track.  The interesting facet of this match, to Noob, is Sacramento.  They’re #B in the Western Conference, play some awesome D.  But all season I’m going to be curious to see how this and other former NASL clubs fare in USL.  Portland II are in 9th, one spot out of the playoff slots.

(For the rawest Noobites, NASL is/was a co-second-tier league until this season.  It’s not operating this year, and it’s unclear if they ever will again.  So many of their clubs moved over.)

RESULT:   Portland II   0-2

Image result for switching sides funny

 

 

 

 

Switching sides.   What to do…

  1. Arka Gdynia vs. Legia Warsaw – Poland FA Cup

The Final!  This one is officially at a neutral site – the stadium where the men’s national team plays.  But it’s in Warsaw.

Gdynia finished in the bottom half of the Ekstraklasa, and so are playing the second part of the league regular season in the bottom-half Relegation Playoff.  They’re in no danger of actually being Relegated, but they’ve slipped a little the last few matches.

Meanwhile, Legia Warsaw have jumped from 3rd to 1st since the Championship Playoff league subdivision began.  They should be a full-goal favorite today.

RESULT:   LW   1-2   Hail to the victors!

  1. Zalgiris Vilnius vs. Suduva – Lithuania A Lyga

Granted, this is not one of the more highly-rated leagues in Europe.  But hey, that #43 of 55 is up five from the last update!

The most villainous-sounding and #B club host #1 today.  Suduva will not be intimidated.  They’ve not lost any of their ten matches this season so far.  Having the best offense and defense in a league will have that effect.

RESULT:   Suduva   2-3     Suduva scored two quick ones, then allowed two before the half before salting it away in the second.

Image result for moving on up gif

 

 

Movin’ on up.

  1. Kooneh be Kooneh vs. Esteghlal – Hazfi Cup (FA, Iran)

Minnow City!   This FA Cup final – at a neutral site in Khusestan Province –  features a club from the Azadegan League (second tier).  This match also features perhaps the world’s must fun club names to pronounce and to not pronounce.  “Esteghlal” May mean “independence”, but it sounds like one is coughing up a hairball.

The Management here:  Noob, a hairball?  I thought we talked about you licking your arms.

Haha, The Management.  (Just because you’re right doesn’t mean you don’t need to shuddup.)

Esteghlal are a top-flight squad, currently in 3rd place in the Persian Gulf Pro League.  Your favorite today.

KbK might be beyond stoked for this, or may be utterly dejected.  They just completed their league season and finished tied in the table for #B place on points, losing the tiebreaker with by one on goal differential.  Only two teams get promoted.

RESULT:   Esteghlal   0-1      Rah rah, winners!

  1. Sanfrecce Hiroshima vs. Shimizu S-Pulse – J1 League

Yup, slipping to and including a number 11.  Normally, Noob likes to keep standard league matches posted to ones involving teams in about the top quarter of their tables.  But The Management must be appeased!   He is a Japanophile, loves him some Far East footyball.

Last season, these two each barely avoided being Relegated.  Look at them now, especially Hiroshima!  They struggled on offense in particular.  And they’re improved in that regard now.  But the defense, oh my.  They’ve given up a league-leading five goals in 11 matches.  Zowie.

RESULT:   Hiroshima   2-0

Thursday, 5/3

  1. Atletico Madrid vs. Arsenal – Europe League

In the first leg of this Semifinal, Atletico Madrid lost a player to a red card just 10’ in.  Arsenal didn’t score ‘til after an hour of play, and then gave up the equalizer with maybe ten minutes to go.  Noob was listening on satellite radio, thought the announcers might commit hari kari over their embarrassment.

Noobstradamus peered into his crystal ball and foresaw doom for Arsenal today, 3-1 to Atletico.  Never mind that the message on the crystal ball itself looks like it was written in dry erase marker.  That’s how crystal ball messages look.

RESULT:   Atletico   1-0   And they’re on to face Marseille in the Final!

If there’s water cooler soccer talk where you work, here’s the extra need-to-know.  Arsene Wenger has been the coach at Arsenal for forever.  This was his last game.  And his players totally mailed it in.

Image result for Noobstradamus

 

Don’t question me, fools!

(I can’t boogie like Sherman Helmsley.  I have to do something with my life.)

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Relegation Monday (4/30) suckitude powers, engage!

Noob delights in the whole concept of Relegation.  Wish we had it for Major League baseball.

Let’s start the Track with two matches that matter for non-Drop Zone reasons.  Then we’ll visit some teams before they disappear into the unheralded nether regions of Divisions Twos.

  1. Tottenham Sir Topham Hatt Hotspur vs. Watford – English Premier

Noob’s two least-favorite clubs from England – fiiight!

Watford just have a crest that looks like some atrocity hanging in an OB/GYN examination room.  It’s Hotspur that truly get Noob’s blood boiling.  You named your club after one of the biggest traitors in your nation’s history!  Harry Percy – cretinous yahoo.  Ne’er-do-well!  Scalawag!!

The Management here:  Once again, The Management apologizes for Noob’s excessive anger and indefensible overuse of exclamation points.  We at—

Be gone, vile The Management!  This is the one subject on which I will brook no critique.  There will be zero brooking.

Watford, Noob may forgive you if you’ll pull off the road upset today.  Chelsea are only two points back of the Traitorous Ones.  Help ruin their season.  There slight weakness is offense.  Push the pace hard early, hope you don’t succumb to a quickflash counter, then sit on the ball like a daddy penguin on an egg.

RESULT:   Hotspur   2-0   Confound it!

Image result for penguin soccer

 

 

Go on.  Park it.

B.  Real Monarchs vs. Las Vegas Lights – USL

No MLS today, and here stands your one second-tier match.  Noob is hoping it’s gets cancelled, along with Real’s entire season.  No royalty in American.  “Real” Noob’s a-aaaaaa-asterisks – a***.  I may not be stable, but at least try to run a clean show here.

Monarchs had the second-best offense and defense in the league last year, and rode them to the division title.  Las Vegas is doing okay for an expansion team.  But they will be destined to suck forever for not naming themselves “Las Vegas Babies”.

RESULT:   0-0

Image result for baby letter B

 

Hush, Number B.  Baby’s sleepin’.

  1. Real Betis vs. Malaga – La Liga

Finally, two teams towards which Noob harbors no irrationally-strong negative feelings.  (Thank you, Zoloft!)

#5 Real Betis are mathematically alive for a Champions League berth.  Barely.  They’re going to Europa League.  Last-place Malaga’s Relegation fate is already sealed.

Fun Fact:  Pablo Picasso was from Malaga.

RESULT:   Real Betis   2-1

  1. Ufa vs. SKA-Khabarovsk – Russia Premier

Glad Noob caught ya’, SKAK!  Haven’t spent enough time on UEFA’s #6 league.  Shiny!  Not that you’ll be around next season to bask in the glow.  Good LAWD have you stunk up the joint.  All of two wins on the season.  Had you clinched Relegation certainty by NYE?

Fun Fact:  This has been SKAK’s first season ever in Premier.  Maybe Noob should’ve been nicer.

RESULT:   Ufa   1-0

Image result for angry armed Russians

 

 

Should’ve been much nicer…

  1. Aves vs. Estoril – Primeira Liga

It’s the ultimate battle of Portuguese suckitude.  Last, next-to-last.  In fairness, either or both of these teams could climb out of the Drop Zone, even this late in the season.  Tight table down there.  More likely to be Aves.  Estoril has the worst offense in the league, and nearly so for defense.

RESULT:   Aves   1-0

CD Aves logo.png

 

 

Fun Fact:  That bird is making off with Aves’ crest

  1. Brommapojkarna vs. Ostersunds – Sweden Allsvenskanliga

Another double-feature of ineptitude!  Last and second-to-last once again.  Sure, they’re only 5-6 games into the season there.  Who’s counting?

Fun Fact:  Bromma’s is the largest single sports club in all Europe, with nearly 250 teams.

RESULT:   Ostersunds   0-4

  1. Sligo Rovers vs. Bray Wanderers – League of Ireland Premier

Triple Noob up on the patheticness, are you kidding me?  Second-to-last and last.  Sligo have a couple of teams in their sights they could catch quickly enough.  Bray?  Bray have one once, have only four points, a mere third of Sligo’s total.

Fun Fact:  Sligo are cooperatively owned by supporters.  This makes them a Noob fave!

RESULT:   Sligo   2-1

  1. Olimpo vs. Tigre – Argentina Premier

All four Relegation slots have been officially filled for the 2017-18 season here.  Olimpo, Noob hardly knew ye.  Oh wait, yes I did.  You’ve been getting featured on Mondays all damn season.  Losers.

Frustrating Fact:  Olimpo spent so much time in Noob’s Relegation Monday zone, they’ve been billed for rent.  No moneys have yet been received.

RESULT:   Tigre   1-5

Image result for check is in the mail gif

  1. Stabaek vs. Lillestrom – Norway Eliteserien

Sooooo close.  Lillestrom are only in third-to-last, the slot that at least gets to battle a second-division club at season’s end for the right to stay or move up.  Should they stay there or worse, being the defending FA Cup champs will not save them.  Stabaek are second-to-last.

Lapland leagues are summer leagues. It’s very early here.

Fun Fact:  Stabaek are based in Baerum, on the west coast of Oslo.  It is posh, and the stereotype of the residents being snobs is strong.

RESULT:   Stabaek   3-2

  1. PS TIRA vs. Bali United Pusam – Indonesia Liga I

PS TIRA finished 12th last season.  Bali Utd. tied for 1st in the table on points, but lost the tiebreaker to Bhayangkara on head-to-head results.  Still, they got to represent the league at AFC Champions League.  Not sure why, but it’s not uncommon for many Asian teams to not be licensed or meet certain requirements for confederation play.

Fun Fact:  PS TIRA changed there name from PS TNI just a few months ago when they moved to Bantul.  The real estate market is… well, Noob’s not sure.

RESULT:   PS TIRA   1-0   It’s a Relegation Monday minor miracle!

Image result for real estate in Bantul

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Sunday (4/30) – MLS rolls on, western UEFA leagues in the home stretches

Noob is here.  And he’s in effect.  Makin’ you work up a sweat…

OK, that’ll make comparatively more sense soon.

The 10 most important matches for us, the newish American fans, to follow!   Let’s push right into them.

  1. NYCFC vs. Dallas – MLS

At time of posting, NYCFC lead the Eastern Conference.  If Atlanta United come back against Montreal impact, they could be tied or in position #B.  Dallas are #3, but could get jumped by New York Red Bulls tonight.

Dallas crapped the bed the entire final stretch last season, wasting an otherwise strong season and just missed the Playoffs.  But they’re defense is stepped up and then some now; they’ve given up just three goals so far in ’18.

NYCFC can dominate on either side of the ball, will likely try to push the pace at home.

RESULT:   NYCFC   3-1

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Dare Noob say?

Push it real good.

B.  Manchester United vs. Arsenal – English Premier

It’s mathematically possible for #B Man Utd. to still fall out of the top four and miss the next Champions League.  Noob could also win Powerball and fulfill his dream of travelling by John Madden-style super-bus to the annual Scrabble tournament in Homer, Alaska.

It’s not my only dream.  But it IS a dream.

Arsenal are in 6th, locked in for Europa League.

RESULT:   Man Utd   2-1     Man U gets the winner in second half injury time!

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Noob also dreams of Number B.

  1. Lyon vs. Manchester City – UEFA women’s Champions League

The first leg of the Semifinal went scoreless.  The three-time defending champions will find the back of the net at home though, win through.   It’s like American women’s college basketball.  There’s just not a lot of parity in the game yet.

RESULT:   Lyon   1-0

  1. Celtic vs. Rangers – Scottish Premier

Celtic just hosted Rangers two matches ago.  Weird.  Celtic lambasted them 4-0.

Anywho!  Celtic are on the edge of wrapping up the league title.  Rangers have slipped to 3rd, and could miss even Europa League if they don’t get it together.  But getting it together doesn’t happen for others at Celtic.

RESULT:   Celtic   5-0

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Wrong Ranger, wrong kit, Viggo.

  1. Galatasaray vs. Besiktas – Turkey Super Lig

Galatasaray and Fenerbahce are tied for 1st.  Besiktas and Istanbul Basaksehir are tied for 3rd.  This is going to be an epic league title finish!

And Noob is far from certain Galatasaray are going to get the story ending they want.  They’ve been inconsistent at best down the stretch.  They fare well enough against quality teams, but keep losing to garbage teams near or at the table’s bottom.

Besiktas, meanwhile, have won four straight.  But they haven’t beaten a good team since February.

RESULT:   Galatasaray   2-0

  1. Ajax vs. AZ Alkmaar – Netherlands Eredivisie

Just the top two Dutch teams get into Champions League these days.  Alkmaar are running out of time to be one.  They’re five points down in the table to Ajax for that second slot.  (And Eindhoven have already won the league.)

RESULT:   Ajax   3-0

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For-real photo of AZ goalie fighting off a charging Ajax fan.

  1. APOEL Nicosia vs. Apollon Limassol – Cyprus First Division

Cyprus?  Yip!  This league just cracked the top 20 in UEFA rankings.

APOEL took the regular season title, but Apollon Limassol has overtaken them now that the league is divided into Championship and Relegation subdivisions.  The new leaders have won five straight league matches.  Given how they’re beating teams on both offense and defense handily, they’re looking likely to hold onto the league’s lone Champions League berth.

RESULT:   APOEL   2-1   And into the lead by a point!

  1. FCSB vs. Cluj – Romania Liga I

It’s a similar story here as in Cyprus.  Cluj won the regular season battle, but FCSB have passed them in the Championship Playoffs.

It’s not like Cluj has been losing.  To anyone.  They’ve simply become a sister-kissing machine – nothing but draws of late nearly.  FCSB haven’t loss since February themselves, and have the momentum and home pitch advantage today.

RESULT:   1-1

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No…

 

No!

  1. LDU de Quito vs. Barcelona SC – Ecuador Serie A

Noob transitions you out of Europe with a match featuring a club named for a European club.  No sense disorienting any Noobites on a Sunday.

They’re ten games into the First Stage of the 2018-season.  #1 BSC sports the best offense and defense so far.  #B LDU de Quito will be their toughest test so far.  Only one team from Ecuador qualifies for Copa Libertadories, South America’s version of Champions League.

RESULT:   Quito   2-1

  1. Jeonbuk vs. Suwon Bluewings – South Korea K League 1

This is South Korea’s top-flight league.  Last year this was “K-League Classic”.

Defending champs Jeonbuk and #B Suwon have each lost only once nine games into this season.  Both losses were to crap teams, but right during AFC Champions League qualification.  Noob wonders if either was even playing starters.

Jeonbuk have scored the most so far, and have only allowed four goals to date.  Noob sees no reason to think Suwon will upset them at home.

RESULT:   Suwon   2-0

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