’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Saturday (5/19) – MLS and more FA Cup finals action!

The ten most important matches for us- thew newish American fans of the global game – to follow.  Noob’s mantra.

But share with your experienced friends!  Noob’s coverage of leagues the world over might interest even the most seasoned fans.  Let’s dig in, Noobites.

  1. Portland Timbers vs. LAFC – MLS

Expansion LAFC haven’t lost in six straight matches.  Portland have one four in a row.  Something’s got to give!

They shouldn’t have trouble getting up for a home match against the #3 team in their conference, but 5th-place Portland are coming off a match with regional rival Seattle Sounders.  Much will hinge on the goalkeeping, and Timbers’ Jeff Attinella hasn’t conceded one in the three matches he’s played.   (3:00 PM Eastern, Fox Deportes)

RESULT:   Portland   2-1     Timbers climb to 3rd (though league matches are still pending at time of this update)

Image result for Jeff Attinella funny

B.  Seattle Reign vs. Chicago Red Stars – NWSL

#B hosts #4 in America’s top women’s league.  Seattle have scored seven in their last two games.  Look for the Reign’s Megan Rapinoe to continue her solid striking.

RESULT:   0-0

Image result for animated letter b gif

 

 

Solid, striking Number B!

  1. Chelsea vs. Manchester United – English FA Cup

It’s the Final at Wembley!

Chelsea absolutely crapped the bed in their last league match, but presumably they can wake up with a trophy on the line.  And Manchester United only scored twice in their last three games.  Noob wouldn’t put money on this game even if sports gambling were already legal all across America.   (12:15 PM, Fox Deportes)

Noobstradamus Sees:   0-0, then Chelsea in PK’s!  They redeem themselves for a league 5th-place finish and missing out on the next Champions League.

RESULT:   Chelsea   0-1     So Chelsea win the league last year, the FA Cup this year, and word is they may well sack their manager.  Harsh.

  1. Bayern Munich vs. Eintracht Frankfurt – DFB Pokal (German FA Cup)

It’s the Final in Berlin!

Frankfurt faded down the stretch in the Bundesliga, finishing 8th.  Bayern did very Bayern-y things to everyone in winning the league title.  No reason to think they won’t crush today.  If Frankfurt keeps it within a goal, it will only be because Bayern has everyone fall back defensively after getting the lead.   (2:00 PM, ESPNEWS)

RESULT:   Frankfurt   1-3    Well, color Noob shocked!   Bayern dominated everywhere by the scoreboard.

And now Bayern’s manager retires and Frankfurt’s manager is his replacement.  Wild schtuff.

Image result for frankfurt funny

 

The Frankfurt Hotel.

Your team has whatever beating it takes today coming.

  1. Celtic vs. Motherwell – Scotland FA Cup

Staying in the British Isles, it’s another Final!   While not on their actual home pitch, this one is held in Glasgow, Celtic’s home city.  However rough a time Frankfurt will have above, double it for Motherwell.  Celtic won the league again, while “The Steelmen” didn’t even crack the top half of the table.   (10:00 AM, GOL TV)

Noobstradamus Sees:   Celtic ‘however many they want’ – 0

RESULT:   Celtic   2-0

  1. Lyon vs. Nice – Ligue 1

These days, France only get three teams into Champions League, down from the max of four.  That’s bad news for either Lyon or Marseille.  #3 Lyon leads Marseille by just a point in the table.  They have the tougher matchup, hosting #6 Nice, who are fighting for a Europa League berth.  Marseille host #13 Amiens.

Lyon has oodles more offensive firepower than Nice, but all they need is a draw.  Look for this to go very low-scoring, probably that draw.   (3:00 PM, TV5MONDE)

RESULT:   Lyon   3-2    And so they hold off Marseille for 3rd place and the last Champions League berth.

Image result for oodle

 

 

Disallowed!

  1. Goztepe vs. Galatasaray – Turkey Super Lig

Turkey’s top-flight title race remained as good as any in Europe, right through today!

Galatasaray lead two clubs by just three points.  More, they are currently only tied in tie-breaking goal differential with one of them (Fenerbahce).  So they could win today and still not finish 1st.  More, they’re not even guaranteed a top-two finish and CL slot.

Galatasaray also have the toughest matchup today of all contenders.  Their opponent is higher in the table than their rivals’ opponents today, and they’re on the road to boot.   (12:00 PM, beIN Sports)

Noobstradamus Sees:   A 3-1 win.  Goztepe is barely average, despite they’re reasonably good spot in the standings.

RESULT:   Galatasaray   0-1     All four top teams won on this, the last day of league play.  Congrats to the G’men- champions!  Fenerbahce claim Turkey’s second and final CL berth with a come-from-behind win as well today.

  1. Rijeka vs. Hajduk Split – Croatia First League

#B Rijeka could tie #1 Dinamo Zagreb on points in the table on today, the last day of league play.  But the tiebreaker is already won by D.Z. (and congrats to the champs!)  They lead #3 Split by just a point.  They’re both headed to Europa League, but whoever finishes higher will get to enter that competition one qualifying round further in.

RESULT:   Rijeka   3-1

Image result for rijeka funny

 

Come to Rijeka for the football.

Stay for a pie at Gvardijan Pizzeria.

  1. Maribor vs. Olimpija Ljubljana – Slovenia Prva Liga

Slovenia’s first tier might not be quite in the top half of UEFA leagues, but #1 vs. #B will never fail to win Noob over!  Three league matches to go, and Maribor lead O.L. by just a point.  And only one can go to Champions League.

Noobstradamus Sees:  …that while Ljub may not have lost a match since last December, they haven’t won that many, either.  Maribor have been doing almost nothing but winning for months.  Hosts win 2-1 today.

RESULT:   Ljub   3-1      We have a new #1 in Slovenia!   Come-from-behind win with the decisive goal scored at 90′.

  1. Dynamo Kyiv vs. Shakhtar Donetsk – Ukraine Premier

Congratulations to league champions Shakhtar Donetsk!  There will be nothing but pride on the line today, but Noob never ignores a #1 vs. #B matchup.  Kyiv qualify for Europa League for their season’s efforts.

RESULT:   D.K.   2-1

Image result for Kiev funny

 

 

So long from Kyiv!

(Isn’t the world just weird and magical?)

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Globetrotting Friday – from MLS to football hinterlands

TGIGF!

Thursday off was refreshing.  Noob had plenty of time to back for our weekly Friday jetsetting excurision!

Come, Noobites!   Bypass security, you’re flying Air Noob.  Ogle some previews, enjoy the complimentary enormous bags of peanuts.

  1. Toronto FC vs. Orlando City – MLS

Globetrotting Friday starts with a stop in Canadia!   The defending champs are mired in 10th place in the tougher Eastern Conference.  They’ve lost two in a row.  Their superstars are a little long in the tooth, and Noob wonders if they will recover enough to even make the playoffs.

More attention might actually be on Orlando today.  In 4th place now, they’d won six in a row before losing at home to Atlanta Utd. last Sunday.  The representative image from the game has been Orlando’s Will Johnson screaming like a lunatic for not getting a foul called in his favor…when he fell after no one touched him.  So blatant, he’s actually being punished by the league for diving (flopping).

Image result for WIll Johnson Orlando City screaming

 

 

Someone breathed near me, call a foul, ref!

 

 

Noobstradamus Sees:    Teams from cities built on swamps like Orlando will suffer in the end.  It’s just science.  -ish…  Anyway, Toronto finally generates a little offense, ekes out a 2-1 home win.

RESULT:   Toronto   2-1     Ding!

B.  Portland Timbers II vs. L.A. Galaxy II – USL

5th place hosts 15th in the only game from the top two divisions on American soil today.

RESULT:   Timbers II   7-3

Image result for letter B galaxy

 

 

Number B Galaxy.  We’re all just livin’ in it.

  1. Newell’s Old Boys vs. Deportivo Rincon – Argentina Cup

Minnow Alert!  The Knockout stage has been reached and Rincon is one of a couple of clubs from the third tier of football to get to this Round of 64.  Newell’s is so-so for a top-flight side.  These top league teams are only just now entering the competition.

Noobstradamus Sees:   …that Rincon can score like crazy against competition at their level.   They’ll get a goal, but go down 4-1.

RESULT:   Newell’s   2-0

  1. Copenhagen vs. Midtjylland – Denmark Superliga

With two league matches to go, Midtjylland are tied on points in the table with Brondby for 1st and only Champions League berth for Denmark.  Copenhagen are tied for distant 3rd place, fighting for an automatic Europa League invite.

Midtjylland peaking at the right time, on a three-match win streak.  Copenhagen has been fading.

RESULT:   Midtj   0-2

Image result for fc copenhagen funny

 

 

 

Watch out, lady!!

  1. Paris Saint-Germain vs. Lyon – France Division One

Welcome to the track, French gals!

Lyon are the three-time defending UEFA champs.  They are 20-0-0, have outscored their league opponents 98-5.  PSG is #B, have only lost twice.   Here comes #3.

Noobstradamus Sees:   …a bulldozer coming with “Lyon” emblazoned on the side.  Can’t prognostic when paralyzed with terror.

RESULT:   0-0

  1. AC Ajaccio vs. Le Havre – Ligue 2

Noob flees to the island of Corsica for safety and relief!

Le Havre bested Brest in their last match to earn the right to play ACA.  Winner here gets to face off against the 18-the place Ligue 1 team for the right to play up there.

RESULT:      ppd

 

This is popular in Corsica.

Noob would so watch footyball from that vantage.

  1. Ried vs. Hartberg – Austria First League

Congrats to FC Wacker Innsbruck on winning the second division in Austria!  The league #B finisher will also move up.  Hartberg are that team now, but only lead Ried and Neustadt by two in the table.

Noobstradamus Sees:   …that Ried have had nothing but trouble against the league’s top teams.  Hartberg 0-1 today.

RESULT:   Hartberg   0-1     Ding!

  1. Valur vs. Stjarnen – Iceland Urvalsdeild

It’s early in this summer league, but this match features last year’s #1 and #B – the kind of matchup that always catches Noob’s wandering gaze.

RESULT:   2-2

Image result for velour funny

 

Noob said “Valur”, not “velour”. 

*shakes head*

  1. Stand United vs. Mbao – Tanzania Premier

Tanzania’s top flight is in the top-18 rankings CAF (Africa’s confederation) puts out.  But barely.  16th.  but this is what Friday’s are for!

Mbao are in 13th, one spot above the league’s Relegation Zone.  They have the same goal differential as 9th-place Stand in a very tight table.

Fun Fact:  Stand Utd.’s Kambarage Stadium holds a surprising-to-Noob 20,000 spectators.

RESULT:   Mbao   0-1

  1. Pirae vs. Punaruu – Tahiti Ligue 1

Correction:  THIS is what Friday’s are for.  Welcome to the south Pacific.

Noob handicaps football games for himself and The Management for sidebet purposes, and this is the first time I’ve ever seen one that will be this lopsided.  Last-place Punaruu have allowed 116 goals in 22 matches.  None of the teams in this league play much defense, but good LAWD!.

Fun Fact:   AS Pirae were the first (and perhaps only) Tahitian club to ever reach the OFC Champions League, in 2006.

RESULT:   Pirae   9-1   (played 5/19)

Image result for punaruu

 

So long from Tahiti!

Noob’s considering dumping football for  the world paragliding tour.

’10 to Track’ soccer matches – a Thursday off-day

Rest up, Noobites!    Globetrotting Friday and the weekend are coming.

Today, an off-day.  Schedule is light.   There are a few Copa Libertadores group stage matches, and a solid enough matchup featuring the #B and #3 teams in Serbia.   Argentina and Brazil FA Cups are in action, though neither is even to the Quarterfinals yet.  Google away!   Now, Noober shall rest.

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Wednesday (5/16) – MLS and Champions Leagues-ness lead!

‘Tis a strange T2T today.  OK, strange in a different way than usual.  Though it’s strange in the usual way, too…

The American portion of the ‘ten most important matches for us – the newish American fans of the global game’ aren’t chock full of the most high-end squads.  Still, we track and we learn the breadth of our local game!

The European and rest of the world-matches, weh-heh-hell, they’re quite the basket of goodies-  let’s gorge!

  1. Marseille vs. Atletico Madrid – Europa League

The Final!   And while it’s not in Marseille, it is in France (Lyon).  The winner gets a shiny trophy, and even better, an automatic invitation to the next Champions League.   (2:45 PM Eastern, FS1)

Noobstradamus Sees:   …that the Spanish club gets better experience playing in a deeper league.  They’ll cruise today, 1-3, even on French soil.

RESULT:   Atleti   0-3

Image result for French soil funny

 

Even Marseille fans in the French soil will be upset.

B.  Vancouver Whitecaps vs. San Jose Earthquakes – MLS

Vancouver are in 5th place, SJ -10th.  Top six in each conference will make the playoffs, though that’s a ways off.

San Jose just got off a three-game losing skid, beating Minnesota Utd. on the road.  Vancouver, meanwhile, have been moving the wrong direction in the table since a reasonably nice start to the season.   (10:30 PM, NBA League Pass 6)

Noobstradamus Sees:   …the ‘Quakes keeping Toronto’s star from Sierra Leone – Kei Kamara – in check, getting an 0-1 road upset!

RESULT:   2-2     My prognostication powers are not supposed to be for evil!  I tweeted the MLS After Dark pod guys/’Quakes fans when SJ led 1-2.   The game was immediately tied again.

Image result for noobstradamus

 

 

My vision also shows me the MLS After Dark pod duo will treat themselves to magnificently aged whiskey after the S.J. victory.

  1. Bethlehem Steel vs. New York Red Bulls II – USL

The top eight from each conference in the U.S. second division league makes the post season.  NY Red Bulls are 6th and should climb if their offense and goal differential continue as they are.

13th-place Bethlehem are not at all bad themselves, but the Eastern Conference is by far the tougher this season.

Noobstradamus Sees:   NYRB 1-2

RESULT:   Bethlehem   3-0

  1. Atlanta United II vs. Toronto II – USL

For as awesome as second-year MLS club Atlanta have been, their reserve team has sure been abysmal.  Yet they should be favored over winless Toronto II.  They haven’t even averaged a goal every other game.  These two are at the bottom of the East.

Noobstradamus Sees:   Surprisingly – goals!  2-2

RESULT:   ATL2   5-4    Many goals!

Image result for soccer surprise

 

 

 

Surprise!…

  1. Seacoast United Phantoms vs. Elm City Express – U.S. Open Cup

This is the Second Round of America’s FA Cup.  At this stage, USL clubs enter the competition.  To this point, Local Qualifying teams, and fourth-tier teams from PDL and NPSL have been vying.  The match Noob opt to feature today Is the only one from two dozen today that doesn’t feature a USL club.

Seacoast are officially from New Hampshire (“seacoast”, really?) but play their home games in Massachusetts.  They won the 1017 Northeast Division of the PDL.  Elm City entered the NPSL last year and one the whole shebang!  They play on Yale University’s campus.

Noobstradamus Sees:   …that Elm City won the first match on the road, while it took the Phantoms penalties to advance on their own pitch.   Express 0-2.

RESULT:   Elm City   0-2     Soothsaying success!

  1. Flamengo vs. Emelec – Copa Libertadores

South America’s version of Champions League is close to completing its Group Stage.  Four teams are in each Group, top two move on to the Knockout Round.

Ecuadorian Emelec – the country’s top entrant – are in last.  They probably need to win both their remaining games to get to #B.  Flamengo are the 5th-best entry from Brazil.

Noobstradamus Sees:   …that Flamengo need to win out to possibly catch #1 River Plate out of Argentina.  They win in a rout today, 4-0.

RESULT:   Flamengo   2-0

Image result for emelec funny

 

Knock-knock.  Who’s there?

Emelec.  Until they’re eliminated.

  1. Shanghai SIPG vs. Kashima Antlers – AFC Champions League

This is the Round of 16 in Asia’s CL.  Each of these clubs finished #B in their domestic leagues last year.  Kashima won the first match of this two-legged tie big, 3-1.

Noobstrdamus Sees:  Kashima have too much offense for SIPG to make up this kind of deficit.  2-2 today.

RESULT:   SIPG   2-1     Kashima advances!

  1. Suwon Bluewings vs. Ulsan Hyundai – AFC Champions League

These are the 3rd and 4th-place clubs from South Korea’s K1 League last year.  Ulsan won the first leg 1-0.

Noobstrdamus Sees:   Ulsan have been very average this season, and can’t score easily.  Suwon can and will, winning 2-0 today to advance.

RESULT:   Suwon   2-0   More success for my prognostication!

Image result for ulsan hyundai fc funny

 

 

What?

  1. Etoile du Sahel vs. Zesco United – CAF Champions League

The tournament is only a match or two in for everyone.  Africa’s CL, too, starts with Groups of four, with the top two finishers moving on to the Knockout Stage.

Tunisian EdS are finished #B last season in Africa’s best league not named Egyptian Premier.  Zesco won the last Zambian top-flight league title.

Noobstrdamus Sees:   Zambia’s league is barely ranked top-10.  Noob’s not convinced there’s tons of parity in Africa.  Etoile wins 2-0.

RESULT:   Etoile   2-1

  1. AEK Larnaca vs. Apollon Limassol – Cypriot Cup

Let’s end the Track today with a Final!  It will be played at a neutral site, Cyprus’ biggest stadium, in Nicosia.  These two are #3 and #B in this year’s First Division.

Noobstrdamus Sees:   that despite not being in 1st currently, Apollon Limassol have only lost once all season.  Larnaca just don’t have the defensive chops to stay in it today.  1-3 Apollon Limassol.

RESULT:   Larnaca   2-1    Congrats to the Cup winners!

Image result for Nicosia funny

 

So long from Loufa Fun Park, Nicosia!

Will Noob enter the giant chicken?

Need you ask?

 

’10 to Track’ soccer matches, Tuesday (5/15) – Premier League Promotion possibilities lead!

The ten most important matches for us – the newish American fans of the global game – to follow are a festival of flavors today.   Champions Leagues on three continents, plus English action and more!   Let’s dive in.

  1. Aston Villa vs. Middlesbrough – English Championship

The winner of this two-legged tie will face Fulham to determine which gets Promoted to Premier League next season.  Aston Villa took the first leg 0-1, are really in the driver’s seat.  They’ve been a bit better on both sides of the ball than Middlesbrough and now can close out at home.

Noobstradamus Sees:   …the ‘Brough fighting the good fight, but only mustering a 1-1 draw today.

RESULT:   0-0    Aston Villa moves on!

Image result for promotion funny

B.  Defensor Sporting vs. Cerro Porteño – Copa Libertadores

The Group Stage continues in South America’s “Champions League”.  Pods of four, top two move on to the Knockout stage.  Winning versus finishing second in a Group will matter for seeding.

With two matches to go in Group A, defending champions Gremio lead #B Paraguayans Cerro Porteño by juts a point (and a bunch on GD).  C.P. leads Uruguayan Defensor Sporting by three points.  Two matches to go in group play.

Noobstradamus Sees:  …that it will be the Uruguayans who continues to be the ones to try and challenge Gremio.  C.P. has overachieved to date.   D.S. 1-0 today.

RESULT:   Cerro Porteño   0-1

Image result for sporting letter B

 

 

 

“Sporting” Number B

  1. Colo Colo vs. Bolivar – Copa Libertadores

Atletico National out of Columbia have already guaranteed themselves a top two finish here in Group B (letter B, not Number B).

The Management interrupting here.  Just a reminder B is B.  It’s an arbitrary Group label in this tournament.  Letter or Noob’s “Number B”, doesn’t matter.  Carry on.

Doesn’t matter?  You shut your filthy whore mouth, The Management!   The Quest to replace #2 with Number B won’t be stymied by the likes of you.

Aaaaanyway.  Bolivar are just a point up on Chilean Colo Colo and the other team with just two matches to play.

Noobstradamus Sees:   …a long summer of clashing wills for Noob and the Management!

RESULT:   Colo Colo   2-0

  1. Jeonbuk vs. Buriram United – AFC Champions League

Asia’s CL is in the Round of 16, second matches of two-legged ties.

Thai 1’s Buriram pulled the upset in Game One, winning 2-3 in South Korea.  Now they have to try and close out in North Jeolla Province.

Noobstradamus Sees:   …Buriram holding off furious last-minute pressing from Jeonbuk to hold on for the draw, 1-1!

RESULT:   Jeonbuk   2-0    The South Koreans advance

Image result for Buriram united crest

  1. Difaa El Jadida vs. TP Mazembe – CAF Champions League

Africa’s CL is still in the early going of the Group Stage.  DR Congos’s Mazembe have won the continent’s version of Europa League the last two years.  They’ll be heavily favored today, even over a decent team at home in Morocco.

Noobstradamus Sees:   …Mazembe repping Africa’s #3 league well!  1-3 today.

RESULT:   Mazembe   0-2

  1. Vitesse vs. Utrecht – Netherlands Eredivisie

Regular season finishers #5-#8 have been playing off, with the winner getting a Europa League berth.  These two were the top two seeds for this bracket and have advanced to the Final.  Vitesse were better on both sides of the ball all season, but Utrecht won many closer matches.  First leg here.

Noobstradamus Sees:   …gritty, gutty Utrecht pulling every trick in the book to net a 2-3 road win

RESULT:   Vitesse   3-2

Image result for soccer trick funny

 

 

That would be tricky

  1. Herediano vs. Saprissa – Costa Rica Premier

Noob’s about to give up on figuring out what ‘s going on in Costa Rica format-wise this year.   But this is a final, winner gets a crown or something.  Merrrr.

RESULT:   1-1     So apparently they’re going to play again.

  1. Maccabi Tel Aviv vs. Beitar Jerusalem – Israeli Premier

Congrats to league champs Hapoel Be’er Sheva!   They’re up seven points on the pack with two matches to go.

These two are #3 and #B, respectively, and both are heading to the same qualifying round for Europa League next go-round.   MTA could grab Bth place with a win, so is more than just pride on the line.

Noobstrdamus Sees:   …that Noobites may be confused.  That’s “Bth, not “8th”.

RESULT:   MTA   3-1

Image result for bth

 

 

This is fine for Sweden, but not the ‘bth’ Noob meant.

  1. Nomme JK Kalju vs. FCI Levadia – Estonia Meistriliiga

Welcome back to the Track, Estonia!   The double-I’s in you league name have lost none of their luster.  Noob is transfixed.

And you brought me #B versus #1!  You sweet thing.

Noobstradamus Sees:   …double I’s, and love in the air.

RESULT:   Kalju   2-1     High drama, as Volkov scores twice in a.e.t.!

  1. Saudi Arabia vs. Greece – international friendly

Tuneup time for the Saudis, probably last one before they begin their World Cub quest.  FIFA ranks these sides #70 and #44, respectively.

RESULT:   Saudi Arabia   2-0

Image result for Saudi Arabia camel races

 

 

So long from camel racing grounds in Saudi Arabia!

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Relegation Monday (5/14) – calling all suckitude!

Clubs are starting to drop like flies as many of UEFA league seasons come to an end.  But the Relegation fun never ends!  Let’s get to know some clubs here at their bitter ends.

But first, some matches of import for happier reasons!

  1. Fulham vs. Derby County – English Championship

League #6 Derby County took the first leg of this Promotion Playoff semifinal, 1-0.  But today, #3 Fulham have the home pitch advantage.  The winner advances to face either Aston Villa or Middlesbrough.  Look for Fulham to return to being the terror on offense today they were all league season.

RESULT:   Fulham   2-0   And so they advance!

Image result for work promotion funny

B.  Brondby vs. Midtjylland – Denmark Superliga

#1 vs. #B!

Three matches to go in Denmark.  Brondby lead by three in the table, so Midtjylland needs a result here or they’re essentially finished.  That’s not only for the title, but this league gets just one Champions League invite.  It’s worth nothing that Brondby haven’t lost since September.

RESULT:   Midtjylland   0-1    And now they’re tied!  (Well, Borndby still lead on tiebreaking goal differential.)

Image result for letter B gif

 

 

Number B is excited for an impending B-team title!

  1. Al Ahli vs. Al-Sadd – AFC Champions League

It’s the Round of 16 in Asian’s top event!  Qatari side Al-Sadd won the first leg 2-1.  UAE’s Al Ahli are the underdogs for this tie, and at home Noob thinks they’re only an even match.

RESULT:   2-2   Al-Sadd are on to the Quarters!

And now, the transition into the glorious suckitude!

  1. Karabukspor vs. Fenerbahce – Turkey Super Lig

This match does double duty, being important at both ends of the table.

Fenerbahce have made a remarkable climb back into the Champions League berth conversation with seven straight league wins.  This has them in 4th.  They’re not in title contention heading into this last match, but a win gives them a chance at #B.  But anything short of that, plus losses by both teams ahead of them, and it’s destination: Europa League.

Karabukspor, what can Noob say?  You earned fewer than half as many points as the team in second-to-last.  No shame, no judgement, but come back when you’re worthy.  Relegation.

RESULT:   Fenerbahce   0-7      not a typo

Image result for karabukspor wheelchair basketball

 

Fun Fact:  Wheelchair basketball is one of the only three sports supported by Karabukspor’s club.

  1. Bray Wanderers vs. Waterford – League of Ireland Premier

Good night, but Bray are awful!   They’ve only earned points in three games this season.  That’s more than twice as bad as the next team up.  Giving up more than two goals per match will have that effect.  Waterford have had a super season, sitting in 3rd.

Fun Fact:  Bray Wanderers’ home supporter attendance averages just 300.

RESULT:   2-2

  1. 3 de Febrero vs. Deportivo Capiata – Paraguay Pro Division

3 de Febrero are going to go right back down to second division.  Hopefully they get souvenir t-shirts before they go, or some emblazoned Yeti cups.  Something.

RESULT:   3 de Febrero   3-0    It’s a Relegation Monday miracle!

Image result for St. Blaise day

 

 

 

Fun Fact:   3 de Febrero are named for the date of the national holiday of St. Blas (Blaise) Day.

  1. Slaven vs. NK Istra 1961 – Croatia First League

With two league matches remaining, the best Istra can do is tread water and remain in second-to-last place.  This means to play First League next year, they’d have to survive a Playoff against the #B second division club.  Currently they’re tied for last, but Cibalia only have one game left.  Slaven are in 7th.

Fun Fact:  Istra plays in a Roman arena on which construction first began in the year 27 B.C.

RESULT:   Slaven   1-0

  1. Kalmar FF vs. Sirius – Sweden Allsvenskanliga

They’re not quite ten games into this summer league’s season, but last-place Sirius aren’t even averaging a goal per game.

Kalmar are a surprise at 4th so far, having been very, very not-4th in 2017.  Noob’s expecting a breath-taking scoreless draw from these two.

RESULT:   Kalmar   1-0

Image result for Kalmar ff

 

Noob knows crest-bashing isn’t high art but…

…them’s underwear.

  1. Pirin Blagoevgrad vs. Etar – Bulgaria First Pro League

Etar won the first Relegation Playout match 2-1.  The loser here will have to win two consecutive two-legged ties to remain in the top flight.  The winners only have to win one of their next two.

Fun Fact:   PB are “The Baby Eagles”.   Could we get some adult eagles in here?

RESULT:   Etar   0-1

  1. Gorica vs. ND Triglav – Slovenia Prva Liga

Last-place Trigalv’s hope of a road win today lies in that fact that mid-table Gorica might be unmotivated here at season’s end.  If they can climb just one spot, Gorica gets a chance to stay in the top tier league by defeating the second-place team from Slovenia’s Second League.

RESULT:  Triglav   0-2    Relegation Monday miracle number B on the day!

NK Triglav Kranj.svg

 

 

So long from Kranj, Slovenia, home of the Orli (“Eagles”)!  Adult ones.

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Sunday (5/13) – led by MLS double-feature!

The ten most important soccer matches for us – the newish American fans of the global game – to follow.   For all the rampant caaamedy, there’s actual football nougat inside this candy bar!   Come, savor it, Noobites.

  1. Orlando City vs. Atlanta United – MLS

The Management and Noob shake our collective fist at you, Orlando City!   Constructing a city on a swamp is the worst idea ever, but footyball facts are undeniable.  The #3 team in the East is en fuego.  They’ve won six consecutive matches, including an impressive 4-3 win over New York Red Bulls.

Can Atlanta rekindle their fire after a road loss to Western #1 Sporting Kansas City?  Probably!  They’re #1 for a reason.

Noobstradamus Sees:   MLS #1-ranked (tied with Tim Howard, COL) Brad Guzan standing on his head today and shutting down The Orlando City Lions Bad Urban Planners.   ATL 0-2.

RESULT:   ATL   1-2.   Any man alive were Orlando fans upset at the end of that one.  Throwing bottles all over the field.  Stay classy, central Florida.

Image result for bad urban planning funny

 

 

 

Orlando, FL Urban Planning Office

B.  LAFC vs. NYCFC – MLS

The Alphabet Soup Derby – could it catch on as a moniker?  Noobites, let’s get this silliness done.  Today, it’s a battle of #B’s, too.  They’re both second place in their respective divisions.

LAFC has been so impressive for a first-year expansion club.  Uruguayan national Diego Rossi is their big goal-scorer to have an eye on.

Noobstradamus Sees:   …that the early season crown of being #1 lay too heavy on the heads of NYCFC.  They’ve lost two of three, including an 0-4 curbstomping by NY Red Bulls.  Momentum.  LAFC 1-0.

RESULT:   2-2

Image result for letter B swarm

 

 

No need to fear Number B’s.

Unless you like Number Two.

Then you shall feel the stinging wrath!

3.  Toluca vs. Tijuana – Liga MX

Tijuana mildly surprised by winning the first leg of this postseason Liguilla semifinal, 2-1.  Going to ten-time champions Toluca’s house today is another matter entirely though.

Noobstradamus Sees:  …the defensive battle I thought the first leg would be.  Toluca 1-0, with a goal just before the half.

RESULT:   Toluca   4-1   They advance!

  1. Newcastle United vs. Chelsea – English Premier

Chelsea really screwed the pooch last match, drawing lowly Hudderfield come to their stadium and achieve a draw.  Now they’re two points behind Liverpool for 4th and the league’s final Champions League berth.  To be fair, they’d been on a five-win tear right before that.

Newcastle seem to have thrown in the towel on the season two weeks ago, losing four straight.  But all Liverpool need to hang on to 4th is a draw at home against the Brighton & Hove Albion Nobodies.  (Nickname verified.)

(The Management here:  Nickname verified as false, asshat.)

Noobstadamus Sees:  Trouble brewing at the office between me and The Management.  Let’s rumble!

RESULT:   Newcastle   3-0     And The Management and Noob ended up doing a test run of a movie review podcast, so all is well.

Image result for fighting with management funny

 

 

 

Quarter neither asked nor given, The Management!!

  1. Maritimo vs. Sporting CP – Primeira Liga

Things are looking grim, if not impossible, for Sporting CP and their CL aspirations.  Portugal’s league gets two berths.  They’re tied for #B, but down insurmountably on goal differential.  And today they get a reasonably tough test on the road at #7 Maritimo.  Far worse, Benfica (fellow #B) have a gimme against low-run Moirirense at home.

Noobstrdamus Sees:  …Europa League in Sporting’s future, even with a 1-2 win today.

RESULT:   Maritimo   2-1    So it’s Europa League for Sporting CP

  1. Standard Liege vs. Club Brugge – Belgium First Division A

This has become won of the best title races in Europe!

Standard Liege just took down Anderlecht, now get their shot at the #1 club.  But they trail by four points in the table, and there’s just one league match to be played after this.  This is must-win for SL regarding title hopes.  Of more concern might be that they’re only ahead of Anderlecht by a point for the second and only other CL invite.

Noobstradamus Sees:  …that Standard Liege has been unbeatable since the league split into championship and relegation subdivisions.  They ratchet up the high drama with a 4-2 win today!

RESULT:   1-1     And so, congrats to Club Brugge, your 2017-18 league champion!

Image result for stoner drama funny

 

 

There may be confusion about “high drama”.

  1. Nurnburg vs. Fortuna Dusseldorf – 2. Bundeliga

For the league title!  So what if it’s second-tier.  This still may well be one of the top-half quality leagues in Europe.

These two are tied and this is the last match of the season.  Someone in charge of scheduling knew what they were doing a year ago!  Nurnburg lead on GD, so FD has to have the win to get the hardware.   But they’re both Promoted to Bundesliga next year, so they’’ll probably go out drinking together afterwards no matter what happens.

Noobstradamus Sees:   …hangovers for everyone!

RESULT:   Dusseldorf   2-3    The game-winner at 90′!   Kudos, champions.

  1. Motagua vs. Marathon – Honduras National League

The Final!  Leg one anyway.  They were #B and #1 in the Clausura (second-half) regular season, deservedly made it through the postseason bracket to duke it out here.

Noobstradamus Sees:   …that, once again, defense travels!  0-1 Marathon.  They’ve the best in the country.

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for honduran military funny

 

Honduran defense confused by clown.

It doesn’t HAVE to make sense.  This is Noob.

  1. Saprissa vs. Alajuense – Costa Rica Premier

It’s the last game of the season, and these two are tied in the “Quadrangular”.  The top four from the Clausura regular season have been playing a double round robin.  Saprissa leads on GD, so Alajuense must win on the road to net the title.

Noobstradamus Sees:  Saprissa taking the title, 2-0.   Saprissa are one of North America’s sneaky-best clubs.

RESULT:   1-1  

  1. Corinthians vs. Palmeiras – Brazil Serie A

They’re only a few matches into the season in Brazil, so Noob features last seasons #1 and #B titans facing off!

RESULT:   Corinthians   1-0

Bonus matches:   #1 and league champ Celtic are hosting #B Aberdeen in Scotland.  Also, I’ll offer The Management an olive branch after the earlier rumbling and mention that #2 FC Tokyo is hosting #3 Consadole Sapporo in J1 League.  Happy?

Image result for sao paulo odd

 

 

 

So long from Sao Paulo!

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Saturday (5/12) – MLS, top UEFA league’s drama, and more FA Cup Finals!

The ten most important matches for us – the newish American fans of the global game – brook no nonsense (ok, maybe a little nonsense…) on the weekends.  There’s hardware to be passed out today, so let’s dive in.

  1. Columbus Crew vs. Chicago Fire – MLS

Noob originally had Dallas and LA Galaxy for the top game today, but it’s a save over the crossbar!  Correct best game identified.

Columbus are #4 in the Eastern Conference, have seemingly righted their ship.  They lost three straight matches before this unbeaten streak of four.  Chicago are having trouble on offense.  Four assists out of their aged Euro-star Bastian Schweinsteiger isn’t bad, but he’s stuck on one goal for the season.   (7:30 PM Eastern, NBA League Pass 6)

Noobstradamus Sees:   Columbus 1-0 on an early goal.   Columbus doesn’t score much, either, but they’re tied for the conference lead in goal defense.

RESULT:   Columbus 3-0

Image result for bastian schweinsteiger mls funny

 

 

Do you have a question, Bastian?   Noob’s spot-on.

B.  Portland Thorns vs. Orlando Pride – NWSL

Orlando have won four in a row!  That’s pushed them to 5th place, but Noob thinks the soccer gods are lulling them into a false sense of accomplishment.    (3:30 PM, Lifetime)

Noobstradamus Sees:   …#4 Portland repeating their 2-1 home win from earlier this season versus the Pride.  Down with cities built on swamps!

RESULT:   Orlando   1-2

Image result for letter B thorns

 

 

Number B – menacing with a thorny look

  1. Middlesbrough vs. Aston Villa – English Championship

The battle is on to determine which of the #3-6 clubs will get the third and final Promotion into Premier League for next season!  This is the first leg of a semifinal between, as you might imagine, two very even sides.

Noobstrdamus Sees:   1-1.  Saving the real drama for the return leg at Aston Villa.

RESULT:   Aston Villa 0-1

  1. 1899 Hoffenheim vs. Borussia Dortmund – Bundesliga

This is the last weekend of matches in Germany!  Reminder:  Four Champions League berths for this league.

#3 Dortmund are all but guaranteed one now, as they lead #4’s Hoffenheim and Leverkusen by three points each.  Might explain why they lost to lowly Mainz at home last match.

Hoffenheim is hoping their hosts today will be sleeping again.  Leverkusen play at home against also-ran Hannover today.   (9:30 AM, KTBC)

Noobstradamus Sees:   Hoffenheim 2-0, leaving Leverkusen having to utterly blowout Hannover to pass them.

RESULT:   Hoffenheim   3-1

Image result for soccer sleeping

 

 

He’s even in a yellow BVB jersey, see?

  1. AS Monaco vs. St. Etienne – Ligue 1

Monaco are tied for 3rd place and the final CL slot for France.  But they’ve got this and one more match to play, whereas their peer Marseille are down to just one.

St. Etienne may be #6 and fighting to hold onto their Europa League slot, but there’s a massive gulf in ability between the league’s top four and everyone else.   (3:00 PM, TV5MONDE)

Noobstradamus Sees:   …Monaco leaving nothing to chance.  5-1.

RESULT:   1-0

  1. Inter Milan vs. Sassuolo – Serie A

With two matches to go in Italy, it’s Inter who are losing the game of musical chairs.  They’re in 5th, two points out of 4th and the final CL spot.  They have a possibly sneaky-tough matchup today as #12 Sassuolo have only lost once since mid-March.

Noobstradamus Sees:   …that the competition Sassy-pants have been playing of late is decidedly not the league’s strongest.  Inter 3-0.

RESULT:   Sassuolo   1-2

Image result for sassy italian

 

Snausages!

Noob neither has nor needs any reason.

  1. Galatasaray vs. Yeni Malatyaspor – Turkey Super Lig

Hiccup Watch game.  Y.M. are 10th place, should be fodder for tied-for-1st Galatasaray.

Noobstradamus Sees:   …Galatasaray – who have two matches left to just one for co-#1 Istanbul Basaksehir – not giving up that advantage.  4-1.

RESULT:   Galatasaray   2-0

  1. AEK Athens vs. PAOK – Greek Cup

The Final!  Athens get to host, no neutral site business here.  And it’s the league #1 vs. #B, as is good, right, and proper.   (1:30 PM, Antenna 20 Years)

Noobstradamus Sees:   Massive fires in Athens, a couple of maimings… it’s Greece!   Oh, and PAOK gets the upset, 1-1, then taking it in PK’s.  So make that several maimings.

RESULT:   PAOK   0-2

Image result for noobstradamus

 

 

Hold up.   Did someone say snausages?   Yummaaaay.

  1. HJK vs. FC Inter – Finnish Cup

Another Final!   This one shouldn’t be dramatic, truth be told.  HJK Helsinki are the league defending champions.  FC Inter are a bottom-half club who achieved nicely by getting to this match.

Noobstradamus Sees:   HJK 11-1.

  1. Sporting Cristal vs. Huancayo – Peru Premier

Let’s end the Track with one more Final!   This is the championship for the Verano (first of three regular season stages).  Cristal earned a 1-1 draw on the first leg of this two-match tie.  They are likely considered a full goal-better than Huancayo on their own pitch.   (9:30 PM, Peru Magico)

Noobstrdamus Sees:  …that funny things happen in footyball!  2-2 today, then the visitors take the title in penalty kicks.

RESULT:   Cristal 1-0     chamPEENS!

Image result for peru funny

 

So long from Peru–  from Noob and controversial Peruvian TV character “Peasant Jacinta”!

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Globetrotting Friday (5/11) – from MLS to around the planet!

TGIGF!

Please keep your trays in the upright and locked position.  Your about to jet off with Noob on our weekly football adventure!  Buckle up.  It will get weird.    Again.

  1. Vancouver Whitecaps vs. Houston Dynamo – MLS

Everyone in the Western Conference is chasing KC and LAFC. The Whitecaps so far are the best of the rest.  For #6 Houston to eke out a road win, look for Argentinian national midfielder Tomas Martinez to need a big game.   (10:30 PM Eastern, NBA League Pass 6)

Noobstradamus Sees:   Houston 2-1, with a goal and assist for Martinez

RESULT:   2-2     Martinez did get a goal.  Houston scored the go-ahead goal in 89′ and then Vancouver tied it right back up at 90′!

Image result for tomas martinez dynamo funny

 

And welcome to the Track, Tomas.

B.  Pittsburgh Riverhounds vs. Indy Eleven – USL

Your division two-undercard is also a #3 versus #6.  This is likely to be a defensive slog, er, artistic performance by both sides.

Noobstrdamus Sees:  Pittsburgh’s surprising undefeated streak continuing as they claim 1st place.  They have yet to lose all season.

RESULT:   0-0

Image result for letter B goofy

 

 

Noob…doesn’t see how going incognito has a bird is relevant, Number B.

  1. Derby County vs. Fulham – English Championship

Wolverhampton and Cardiff City finished in the top two spots in England’s second division, earning automatic promotion to Premier League next season.  Now it’s time for the next four in the table to battle for the third and final spot.

#6 Derby Co. has bounced back from a mostly-catastrophic April (three straight losses) to not lose in their last three.  Fulham lost their last match – one that didn’t matter to them in the table – and before that last lost in early January.

Noobstradamus Sees:   The allure of something like a quarter billion pounds in added Premier League revenue being a strong, strong motivator.  Derby Co. overcomes a deficit at home, wins the first leg of this quarterfinal 3-2.

RESULT:   Derby Co.   1-0

  1. Guingamp vs. Marseille – Ligue 1

Noob once had a nasty case of Guingamp on his left foot.  That stuff will eat the flesh right to the bone if you’re not careful!

The Management here, apologizing once again for the randomly-non sequitur ramblings of Noob.  Is this something Farside comic-ish related to a foot disease like necrotizing fasciitis?

I like dogs.   I forget math sometimes.

Weirdo.  Anyway, this match is important because Marseille are one point outside of 3rd place and the league’s last CL berth with two league matches to go.  Don’t make me do your job, Noobstra-dumbass.

RESULT:   3-3     Marseille went down to ten men due to a red card at 66′.  Guingamp scored the go-ahead at 70′, but Marseille tied it back up at 81′.

  1. Reims vs. Nimes – Ligue 2

Where Noob deems nothing is as it seems.  *Noob beams*.

What the actual f– um, fruit?  The Management wonders if we need to talk to Human Resources.  #1 and #2, er, “#B” in France’s second division.

RESULT:   2-2    And that ends the regular season in France’s second division!  These two are promoted for next year to Ligue 1.  Next come the playoffs for the next three teams in the table to see which other club moves up.

  1. Antalyaspor vs. Istanbul Basaksehir – Turkey Super Lig

Turkey’s clubs have just two matches each to go, and nothing is decided at the table’s top.  Istanbul Basaksehir is tied for #B (3rd on tiebreaker though), trailing #1 Galatasaray by three and leading Besiktas by just one in the standings.

This is definitely a Hiccup Watch match.  Antalyaspor are in 12th and have done nothing against any of the top four clubs this season.  But anything can happen on the road, and I.B. cannot afford a Hiccup here.   (1:00 PM, beIN Sports En Español)

Noobstradamus Sees:   Istanbul eking this one out.  They’re offense is the weakest of the four top teams, but Antalyaspor can’t stop a beach ball generally.   I.B. 1-3, with a the third being a meaningless late one.

RESULT:   I.B.   0-2

Image result for turkey club sandwich

 

Yup.  Turkey club on top of a table.

No apologies.

  1. Erzurum BB vs. Umraniyespor – Turkey First League

Welcome to the Track, Turkey second division!   Just like in England’s second tier, the top two get auto-promoted, while the next four duke it our for a third slot moving up.  These two finished #5 and #4, respectively.  Both have been rolling.

Noobstradamis Sees:  …Erzurum’s freaky two-headed bird crest emblem.  Not a vision, just a plain old nightmare.  Umraniyespor wins 1-8.  Maybe.

RESULT:  EBB   4-3

Büyükşehir Belediye Erzurumspor logo.png

 

  1. Leipaja vs. RFS – Latvia Higher League

it’s very early in this European summer league, where these two are #1 and #3, and are tied for the largest GD so far (+10).  Let’s have a shootout!

Noobstradamus Sees:   Leipaja 4-3

RESULT:   RFS   3-5

  1. Ismaily vs. Al Masry – Egypt Premier League

Perennial powerhouse Al Ahly has already claimed the title, but this league gets two berths into the next CAF Champions League.  #B Ismaily is up on #3 Al Masry by five in the table, but this is the host team’s last match of the season.  Al Masry have one more after this in which to earn points.

Noobstradamus Sees:   …that Ismaily hasn’t lost since February.  it will be hard-fought by Al Masry, but the final will be 2-2, securing ismaily’s CL invite.

RESULT:   1-1

  1. Al-Jazeera vs. Al-Wehdat – Jordan Premier

Let’s end the Track with a celebratory congrats to Al-Wehdat, you’re 2017-18 Jordanian champs!  This is the last match of the season for these two.  Al-Wehdat are tied for #B and Noob presumes a Confederations Cup slot (think: Europa League for Africa).

Noobstradamus Sees:  ….a grand party for Al-Wehdat!

RESULT:   Al-Wehdat   0-4

Image result for amman jordan

 

And so long from Amman, Jordan!

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Thursday, 5/10 – more FA Cups and strange tales

Yesterday was chiock full of smokin’ FA Cup finals action!   We have a few more today, sort of a soccer apertif.  Savor the ten most important matches for us – the newish American fans of the world game – elegantly.  Mwah!

(edited 5/10, 8;30 Eastern)  Such a naughty Noobite am I!  how did I miss that the Semifinals of Liga MX’s postseason tournament – the Liguilla – begin tonight?

Santos hosting CF America tonight should be the more interesting of the two semifinal two-legged ties.  It’s on Univision tonight , beginning in just a few minutes.  Jonathan Rodiguez and Edwin Cetre will look to make it a high-scoring affair for the home side, which finished #4 in Clausura league play.  League #B CFA beat Santos 1-0 at home a few matches ago.

Noobstradamus Sees:   CFA gaining the advantage with a 1-1 draw.

RESULT:   Santos   4-1

  1. West Ham United vs. Manchester United – English Premier

When Noob first scouted this game, West Ham was still in the Relegation conversation.  They are now officially safe.  Manchester United don’t have anything to play for except hanging onto second.  Even a draw ensures them that.

Looking ahead to next year – if Man Utd. want to best their intracity rivals, they’ll have to address goal-scoring.  They were merely fifth-best in that department.  West Ham’s trouble is on the opposite end, having tied for conceding the most goals.   (2:45 PM Eastern, NBCSN)

Noobstradamus Sees:  …a 1-1 draw.  They’ll all care, but only some.

Image result for care about soccer funny

 

 

They might play a reserve or two in this one…

B.  Anderlecht vs. Standard Liege – Belgium First Division A

Club Brugge – 42, Anderlecht – 40, Standard Liege – 38, Sporting Charleroi – 33.

Noob doesn’t like to just list standings typically, but Belgium is getting double-featured today.  Three matches to go, and you can see just how tight things are.  Top two go to Champions League.

Anderlecht just beat leaders Brugge on the road a few days ago, have been the best side since the league divided into championship and relegation subdivisions.  Standard Liege will give them all they can handle, being undefeated their last five matches.   (8:30 AM, Eleven Sports Network)

RESULT:   Standard Liege   1-3    And we have a new #B in Belgium!

Image result for letter B Belgium

 

 

 

Number B, cover thy shame!

  1. Sporting Charleroi vs. Club Brugge – Belgium First Division A

And here’s that second scoop.   (12:00 PM, Eleven Sports Network)

Noobstradamus Sees:   …that Brugge has only won one of their last six matches, losing three.  But beat water-treading Charleroi 6-0 their last meeting.  Brugge, 1-2.

RESULT:   Brugge   1-3

  1. Akhisarspor vs. Fenerbahce – Turkey Cup

The Final!  But the story of this tournament is already written, really.

Fenerbahce hosted a Semifinal against Besiktas.  Fans were so awful, including hitting a visiting coach in the head with stuff thrown, that the match was ended.  By league rule, Besiktas was to advance.  Instead. the league announced the remaining half hour of game time would be resumed on a new date (with no fans allowed).

Besiktas appealed for the win, but were denied.  In protest, they refused to play.  They forfeit all their prize money and cannot play in next year’s FA Cup.

Noobstradamus Sees:   …that league #12 can’t compete with #B Fenerbahce, much as it would feel good to see the latter lose.  Bad guys, 1-3.

RESULT:   Akhisarspor   3-2   Well whaddya know!

Image result for fenerbahce turkish cup semifinal

 

 

 

Greek fans are still crazier

  1. Brondby vs. Silkeborg – Danish Cup

It’s the Final of the DBU Pokalen.  This match is not at Brondby’s home ground, but it is in Copenhagen, so it’s still a home advantage.

Not that Brondby is going to need that help.  They’re #1 in the Superliga, while Silkeborg are #11, currently slated to play in a postseason Relegation Playoff.

Noobstradamus Sees:   Brondby 4-0

RESULT:   Brondby   3-1

  1. Djurgarden vs Malmo – Swedish Cup

This Final’s at Djurgarden’s place.  Last year, these two were #3 and #1 in the league, respectively.  This year has been a different tale, though they’re not even ten games into the season yet.  10th and 8th place so far.  Ouch.

Noobstradamus Sees:   Snow.  Always snow.

RESULT:   Djurgarden   3-o

Image result for Sweden snow football funny

 

 

 

Orange ball alert!

  1. Gaz Metan Medias vs. Hermannstadt – Romanian Cup

This is a one-off Semifinal, and in some ways the most intriguing matchup of the day.

GMM are in third-to-last place in Liga I, in line to have to play a Relegation playout match with a Liga II team for the right to stay up.  Hermannstadt are from said Liga II, have all but mathematically guaranteed themselves promotion to the top flight next year.  More, they were promoted to Liga II just this year!

Noobstradamus Sees:  …the fairytale rise of the Fighting Hermannators (ok, Noob made the mascot up) continuing!   0-1.

RESULT:   Hermannstadt   2-3   Minnow success!

  1. Basel vs. Young Boys – Swiss Super League

Hail to the league champions!  Young Boys of Bern ran away with the title.  And Basel didn’t have any competition for #B and the other Champions League invite.  The match may not “matter”, but Noob always tries to acknowledge #1-#B matchups.

Noobstradamus Sees:  …Basel being brought the finest meats and cheeses from all the surrounding land!

RESULT:   Basel   5-1

Image result for Swedish meats and cheeses funny

 

 

…because other Swiss culinary traditions are weird

  1. Boston River vs. CD Jaguares – Copa Sudamericana

South America’s version of Europa League, where the First Stage is winding down.

Boston River are the #2 entrant out of Uruguay.  CD Jaguares are the 4th and final team to qualify from Colombia.  On paper, this is a pretty even matchup, with only a slight edge to B.R. for being at home.

Noobstradamus Sees:   …Boston River overcoming the 1-2 loss form the first leg of this tie and winning today 3-1.  For the Three-U land there shall be victory!

RESULT:   Boston River   3-0

  1. Xelaju vs. Antigua Guatemala – Guatemala National League

Gotta love Guatemala, where the pitchers bat for themselves.

The Management interrupting here with this news bulletin:  Noobstra-dumbass is making a baseball joke.  You—

You don’t think Noobites would get that on their own?  You’re just grouchy about my dissing Sporting KC in yesterday’s post.  Pipe down.  KC won.

And before you say anything else, fine, this is the first leg of a Quarterfinal match to start of this league’s postseason.  They finished in 5th and 4th place and will probably play to a…oh…. 5-5 draw today.  Or something.

RESULT:   Xelaju   2-0

Image result for Honduras weird

 

So long from my vacation digs in Guatemala!

(Shush, The Management.  They know.)