Soccernoob

Tomorrow, MLS will take over the American soccer spotlight for the most part.  Today, we get three more matches (and one spotlighted here) from our second division.

Matches from four federations make Noob’s “ten most important”.  Let’s start with the postseason here, bookend it with the top match from Isle of Sodor’s first-ever full slate of Premier League matches.

1. Louisville vs. Bethlehem Steel – United Soccer League playoffs

We Tracked Eastern Conference #6 Bethlehem’s opening round win, so we’re sticking with them for another feature game.  After upsetting intrastate rivals Pittsburgh Riverhounds, they get to travel to defending champions L’ville.

Noob liked Steel’s chances against the Small Ball-playing Riverhounds.  Probably not looking at a second road upset in a row, though.  LFC are well-balanced, too, and they were better on both ends of the field all season.  They finished #B in the East, only behind MLS-club-to-be Cinci.

RESULT:   LFC   2-0

B.  Cruz Azul vs. CF America – Liga MX

Cruz Azul led the league for much of the Apertura (first half-season.  But they’ve slipped to #3 now, and needed penalty kicks to top lowly Leon in their recent Copa MX match.

Meanwhile, mighty CFA rounded into form fairly quickly after a rough early season start.   They’re a little better than their hosts today on defense and a lot better on offense.  And they’ve got all the momentum on their side, having not been beaten since August 22.  They trail Santos by just a point in the table, lead Cruz Azul by a point.

RESULT:   0-0

 

 

Mighty Number B.

Yes, has-been Number Two is an archvillain.

3. Brighton & Hove Albion vs. Wolverhampton – English Premier League

None of the EPL matchups today feature two teams near the top of the table.  This at least may be the most competitive matchup of the day.   That said, it likely won’t be pretty.

#12 BHA don’t score a lot.  At least they try.

#9 Wolverhampton just Small Ball it – pack it in on D, keep the score low.  Perhaps Noob should not fault them overly for it, though.  They were just Promoted this year.   The idea might be to take any strategy necessary to stay high enough in the table to come back for a second straight year of EPL TV money, be more competitive next season.

RESULT:   BHA   1-0

4. Flamengo vs. Palmeiras – Brazil Serie A

Now here is a match that truly matters.  Brazil is South America’s top league and here are the top two clubs.

No one’s scored on #B Flamengo in four straight matches.  Saving a sleepy tie to start that streak, they’ve also scored either three or four times in each.   Until losing in the Copa Libertadores in their last outing, Palmeiras had won five consecutive games and not lost in nine.

No matter what happens today, these two should stay top three through the season.  (Internacional’s just as good and in 3^rd.)  They both score in spades, so call ahead to your favorite watering hole and make sure they have GOL TV.   The match kicks off at 5:00 PM.

RESULT:   1-1

 

 

Incorrect!

5. Al Quwa Al Jawiya vs. Altyn Asyr – AFC Cup

The Final!   But the final of what?

This tournament features champions from leagues the Asia federation considers to be from “developing football countries”.  They don’t get entrants into the Champions League.  Higher leagues get to send some non-champions as well.

AQAJ qualified by winning the Iraqi Premier league in 2016-17 and are the two-time defending champions of this event.  This single-match Final is being hosted in Iraq, though not at this team’s stadium.

Noob mentioned Altyn Asyr yesterday, Globetrotting Friday.  They’re not in 1^st in Turkmenistan’s Yokary Liga at the moment, but they’re the nation’s best team.

I’m not quite sure how to handicap this one.  Neither country has clubs includes in footballdatabase.com’s Elo ratings.  It was be easy to call the Iraqi’s the heavy faves given their recent record in the event and that their league is nearly a top-tenner in Asia.  But they didn’t even win their Group Stage pod, advancing as runners-up.  Altyn Asyr won theirs.

RESULT:   AQAJ   2-0

6. Shonan Bellmare vs. Yokohama F. Marinos – J1 League Cup

Another Final!  This event is an annual, knockout tournament separate from the J-League and includes a couple teams from J2 League.

And congrats to Shonan Bellmare!   The match actually started “yesterday”, ending in the very early hours in America (EST).  They won 1-0.  Neither team is in the top half of the J-League standings.

It’s considered only the third-most important trophy in any given year, but the winner still gets a reward.  They get to play in the Suruga Bank Championship, a glorified friendly against the Copa Sudamericana (second-biggest international club tournament in South America) for a big pot of money.

RESULT:   SB   1-0

 

 

Did the Final include a kick-line like this second round match did?

7. Real Espana vs. CD Olimpia – Honduras National League

Olimpia are in 1^st and undefeated after 14 matches.   Why have you perhaps not heard of this?  Because seven of the matches ended in draws.  Quirky, though.

Real are just three points behind them, in 3^rd.   They’re all offense, will look to push the pace hard.  They come extra CONCACAF-feinated.

RESULT:   Olimpia   1-3

8. Pembroke Hamilton vs. Robin Hood – Bermuda Premier

Noob’s not sure about yet another Robin Hood movie.   Sure, I was bored by the Ridley Scott directed-version.  We all were.  Russel Crowe and co. were better acting than the Kevin Costner version, but had a worse script.

I mean, I’ll see it.  Jamie Foxx as Little John?  Noob’s buying a ticket.   Large and a large, no half-assing it on snacks, either.

Oh yes, the game!   #1 hosts #3.   Just spying on the neighbors here.

RESULT:   0-0

 

 

 

 

Appian Way?  Lionsgate?   

Noob’s not too shy to plead for patrons.

9. Maribor vs. Olimpija Ljubljana – Slovenia Prva Liga

And back to Europe!   #1 versus #2, the two most traditional powers in the nation.  Maribor’s up five points and about to make it eight.   They play comparable defense and are in a league of their own when it comes to scoring.

This league they’re in is ranked #30 in Europe.  That means only the champs will qualify for Champions League.

RESULT:   OL   1-2

10.  East Coast Diesel vs. Crovan’s Gate – Isle of Sodor Premier

Noob was on Sodor last week for the first match of the first-ever IoSPL season. I’m back stateside to see a friend in a production of “The Foreigner”. Since it seems no one else covers this non-FIFA country’s soccer, I hope I’ll still get timely news from a contact there over how this and the first full weekend slate of games go.
E.C.D. made the Semis of that first-ever Cup this summer. Their defense was surprising, especially in the Group Stage, where they only allowed one goal over the three matches. Defense is almost considered poor manners on Sodor, at least hard, aggressive D is. But who knows? The formal organization of the sport there may mean change.
Crovan’s Gate are a much smaller club and town (E.C.D. is from Vicarstown, which has two clubs). As opposed to E.C.D., this club was not initially slated to be a PL member. But they were the other Cup semifinalist and so have been rewarded by being preemptively promoted from the second division.
E.C.D. should be a heavy favorite. CG overachieved compared to their stats by getting to the Semis. You can see more particulars on the dedicated Page for that event that is part of this site. Front page, top right.

RESULT:      E.C.D.      1-0

“The Foreigner” — which Noob will be as he spends most of the next few months on Sodor.

Noob’s typically about “the ten most important matches to follow, for us – the newish American fans of the global game”.

Friday’s, world scheds tend to run  lighter.  So we pack out bags and venture off to footyball hinterlands.  We learn, laugh, and love a little.  Learn some things about the clubs and leagues no one sees on TV.

No Fun Facts featured today.  Noob’s hurrying to make a non-soccer road trip.  But there’s still plenty of edumuhcation and fun built in!

As always, we start close to home:

1. Phoenix Rising vs. Swope Park Rangers – United Soccer League Playoffs

The First Round is in the books.  Waiter, bring us the Conference Semifinals!  Today we get one match from America’s second-tier postseason.  Eight teams from each of the two conferences qualified for this single-elimination title tournament.

The third seed Phoenix routed Portland II to start their championship chase.  Not a huge surprise.  P.R. were the conference’s second-highest scoring team during the regular season, and Portland were well below-average on defense.  It was a bad matchup for the Timbers, and on the road to boot.

The Management did a little dance as Sporting Kansas City’s reserve side Swope Park (#7 seed) advanced, coming from behind to upset #2 Sacramento 1-2.  This was a fortunate matchup for Rangers.  They struggle on the defensive side of things.  But Sac-town is one of those Small Ball clubs, just packing it in on defense and keeping scores low.

Noob deserves his moniker, but I felt confident from my early learning stages that Small Ball might occasionally lead to some regular season success, but it’s not going to win titles.  Ever.

The Management is certainly happy with how it went, having KC roots.  Noob does not share those, but sometimes can back off taunting and jibing him enough to let him enjoy a favored team’s success.

RESULT:   Phoenix   4-2      Bravely fought, Rangers

B.  Santos vs. Monterrey – Liga MX

Four matches to go in the Mexican top tier’s Apertura (first half-season).  They only play 17 each in the Apertura and Clausura and Noob is still in love with how important it makes every game.

Top eight clubs will make the Liguilla (postseason playoffs) and these are two that should be there.  Santos are in 3^rd and are the sort of well-balanced team Noob favors to make deep runs and win titles.  They’re not the strongest on offense or defense, but they’re not far off the pacesetters in either department.

Monterrey are #5, having struggled more on offense than usual this year so far.  But they’re four points up on a trio of teams tied for 7^th.  Short of a collapse, they should make the Liguilla.  They lost just one of their last five outings across all competitions, so that bad fate seems unlikely.

RESULT:   Santos   1-0

 

Yes, yes, Number B.   Noob still loves with you and finds you muy importante. 

But don’t make it weird, okay?

3. Lorient vs. Metz – France Ligue 2

Welcome to the European division two portion of Noob programming.  It may not seem so exciting at a glance, but Promotion means oodles of money.  Moolah = drama.  The top two finishers will move up to Ligue 1.  The next three in the table will have a postseason tournament to determine who joins the top two in Promotion.

Lorient are in 4^th.  They’re a little light on goal-scoring, but really only compared to the very top clubs here.  Metz were Kicked Out of Ligue 1 for their last place performance in 2017-18, but are #1 here and now, looking to yo-yo right back up.

Metz lead the league in goals and play as good of defense as their hosts today.  Noob thinks Metz stays on top with a road W today, pits a dent in Metz’s auto-Promotion dream.

RESULT:   0-0

4. FC Twente vs. Almere City – Netherlands Eerste Divisie

Only the champs get automatically moved up to the Dutch top flite when all’s said and done.  The next four have a Playoff to see which one of them also makes the move.

We find these two in a tie for 3^rd place, identical records.  Statistically they’re about even.  Advantage Twente by a hair, though, on both sides of the ball.

RESULT:   Twente   1-0

 

That’s “Twente”.  *sigh*   Just who’s handling image control on this site now, anyway?

5. Goias vs. Avai FC – Brazil Serie B

Welcome to the Track, D2 Brasil!   First-time appearance.  In the words of Paul Simon, stroll around the grounds until you feel at home.

The top four from this league all get Promoted at season’s end.  If current #4 Avai can stay afloat, it will be a return to top-flite after having been Relegated just this last season.  Noob likes them a lot better than #3 Goias.  Avai are well-balanced.  Goias can score like a house afire, but they play about the least defense in the entire 20-team league.

RESULT:   Avai   0-3

6. Jagiellonia Bialystok vs. Legia Warsaw – Poland Ekstraklasa

Back to top-tier action!

When Noob first started really following soccer in 2017, this league had cracked the top ten in Europe.  Seems they might’ve peaked.  This year, they’re down to 21, a cataclysmic fall.  And they’ll slip three more notches when 2019 comes.

What makes that important?  How many teams the league qualifies for Champions League.  Only the top 16 get more than one.  After a dozen league matches this season, that’s Bialystok.  But the league race is wide open.  All the current top four are well-balanced, including tied-for-#B Legia Warsaw, who trail their hosts today by just a point.

(But just you watch, Noobites.  I’m learnin’.  #4 Wisla Krakow will take the title.  Cash on the barrelhead.)

RESULT:   1-1

7. Ahal vs. Balkan – Turkmenistan Yokary Liga

This is the 23^rd-ranked league of 46 in Asia.  That’s not high enough to qualify them even one team into the next AFC Champions League.  Their champions will instead qualify for the Asia Cup, a club tournament for the best teams from what the Asian federation calls “developing football countries”.

Noob’s sources are conflicted as to whether or not the runners-up will also qualify.  Last year, #B was good for a berth into a pre-Group Stage qualifying round.

Ahal are #1, but only a point up on the better side Altyn Asyr, who have a game in hand on them (have played one fewer).  No one else is close to these two.

As for Balkan – you’re in last, d00dz.  But at least your league doesn’t do Relegation.  They give up a tear-inducing two goals per match on the dot.

RESULT:   Ahal   5 -1

8. AS Pirae vs. AS Tefana – Tahiti Ligue 1

Tahiti is a member nation of the OFC – Oceania Football Confederation.  Noob didn’t find domestic league rankings on a quick search.  But this isn’t likely one of the strongest in the group.  I did discover their team with the highest Elo rating is only the 15^th-best in the federation.

There’s no defense played in this league.  At all nearly.  The goals for and against I found looked so inflated Noob had to triple check.  Last year, just three clubs allowed less than 1.5 per match.  All other clubs were distant also-rans.  Pirae was the best of those.   This year, it’s too soon to tell anything, as they’re just a few matches n.

Tefana finished #B, good for one of the league’s two invites to the 2019 OFC Champions League.  Yes, they qualify two years out, not one.

RESULT:   2-2      Noob thought for sure any Tahitian game would feature at least four goals per side

 

 

Nothing about Tahiti ever doesn’t remind you of just where they are and what they’re about.

Sun, surf, palm trees.

9. Al-Wahda vs. Al Taliya – Syria Premier

The season in Syria’s top flite – Asia’s 15^th-ranked – is also just getting going.  That ranking is just high enough that the league champion will qualify for the next AFC Champions League.  That club will have to start that tournament in the very earliest pre-Group Stage qualifying round, but they’ll be in.

It’s so early that the league’s likely best team (Al Jaish) is merely midtable right now.  Last year, these two finished #3 and #6, respectively.  if comparative strengths are the same now as in 2017-18, AL-Wahda can make a run at the title.  Al Tilya lacked miserably in offensive firepower, likely overachieved to even be #6.

RESULT:   Wahda   1-0

10. Kiyovu Sports vs. Marines – Rwanda Premier

Rwanda recently qualified two teams into the Confederations Cup, the second-best international club tournament in Africa.  (It’s the CAF answer to UEFA’s Europa League.)  So they will appear in the federation’s rankings for the first time in at least three years.

Only the top 12 leagues get multiple teams qualified into the CAF Champions League, but they’re looking on their way!

APR and Kigali were the only two teams that really competed for that CL slot last year.  Kiyovu finished #5 and won’t finisher higher this year unless they shored up their porous defense.

Well, porous compared to the title contenders.   There weren’t enough Little Dutch Boys in the world to plug all the holes in 12^th-place Marines D.  But it’s a new season there, so we’ll see what we see.  On Globetrotting Fridays, anyway!

RESULT:   0-0

 

So long from the Top Tower Hotel in Kigali, home of Kiyovu Sports. And really interesting chairs.

The Midweek Edition is back, bringing you ten hawt soccer match mini-previews.   Thursday’s 10th match is now up, as well as a couple mini-bonuses.

Scroll down for Tuesday and Wednesday matches and results.  And look out!     Noob’s Sandwich Reviewoobs makes a triumphant return for a second installment in there.

Thursday

Honorable Mention:

Arsenal and Chelsea of the English Premier League are both in action today in Europa League’s group stage.  For the rawest of Noobites, that’s Europe’s second-most prestigious international club tournament.

Arsenal have a tough – but not insurmountable – away match against Portugal’s Sporting CP that may well decide who wins that Group.  Chelsea will rout visiting Belarusian power BATE Borisov.

Also today is a solid matchup in Nicaragua’s Premier League.   It’s not one of Central America’s strongest, but they – they’re playing.  League leaders Managua host #3 Diriangen.

That regular season is down to being a two-horse race now, but the top four make the Playoffs there.  Managua only lead the #B team by a point in the table, and Diriangen are only three points clear of the 5^th-place club.

10. Herediano vs. Motagua – CONCACAF League

The Final!   The first leg, anyway.  The champ will be decided with a home-and-away series.  But just what is this event.

That can be better answered to start by telling you who is (and isn’t) in it.   This is 13 really good Central American teams and three top clubs from the Caribbean region.

Who this is not are the league champions from the five best Central American leagues’ champs.  They qualified directly for the CONCACAF Champions League.  The winner of the event featured today gets the 16^th and final spot into the CL.

Herediano qualified for this tournament by having the best aggregate record between the Costa Rican Apertura and Clausura (first and second half-tournaments) last season.  Motagua were the runners-up in both those stages In Honduras.

Herediano are the better team in paper, but wow are they struggling in their current league season.  They’ve lost four straight, only scoring in one of the matches and dropping to midtable.

This is a real opportunity for underdogs Motagua.  They’ve not lost in six matches.  The defense hasn’t been absolutely lights out over that stretch (four goals allowed in six matches), but it’s carried them to the top of their league table.

RESULT:   Herediano   2-0

 

 

 

 

 

So long from Museo de los Niños, Heredia!

 

Wednesday

5. Borussia Dortmund vs. Atletico Madrid – UEFA Champions League

Welcome back to the Group Stage.   A little cut ‘n’ paste from Tuesday’s Match 1:

Europe’s best clubs return for more Group Stage action today.  Pods of four teams playing double round robin home and away series.  Best two from each Group advances to the Knockout Stage, and finishing #1 or #B will matter for seeding there.

Germany’s top league (the Bundesliga) is one of the best in Europe, and as such gets four berths in this tournament.   Dortmund got the last of those, finishing in 4^th place last year.  Atletico Madrid qualified by winning last year’s Europe League tournament.  It’s like the NIT of European football.   They also finished 2^nd in La Liga, another of the continent’s best leagues.

They both beat the other two clubs in Group A.  it would take a titanic turnaround for these two not to be finish in the top two.  But remember:  Finishing #1 or #B matters in terms of seeding for the next Round.

Dortmund are the lone undefeated team left in the young Bundesliga season, so that means they’re peaking at a great time for this event.  The offense has been…I don’t know what German idiom means “on fire”.  Here’s to hoping perhaps America’s greatest player – young Christian Pulisic – can contribute even more to that than he has so far (1 league goal).

Atletico Madrid have struggled in league a little so far in Spain.   They succeeded last year with small-ball strategy – just keeping the scores low.  So far in 2018-19, that’s led to a lot of draws.  Look for Dortmund to push the pace hard today.  Even two goals for the German’s guarantee them victory.

RESULT:   Dortmund   4-0       No big game from Pulisic, but a big win for the German club

6. Boca Juniors vs. Athletic Club – Copa Libertadores

This is South America’s version of Champions League in Europe.   They’ve reached the Semifinals there.  Only teams from the continent’s top two leagues remain – two each from Argentina and Brazil.  This is the first match of the two-legged tie that will decide which team advances to the Finals.

Argentina qualified its six teams for a given Copa based on their 2016-17 season results.  Boca Juniors finished #B in the Premier league there.  Brazil gets in a whopping eight clubs.  Athletic Club finished runners-up last season in the Serie A there.

Athletic have been getting nothing but draws for a couple weeks.  They’ve been merely middling on both sides of the ball this season, struggling a touch more on offense than D.  And there’s more bad news.

Palmeiras are now rated the top club in all Brazil.  They’re 1^st place in the league.  They haven’t lost a match in any competition since mid-September.  On the year, they’re incredibly balanced.  Of late, it’s the defense that has carried them.  And as in all sports, defense travels.  Boca will be doing well to even get a draw today.

RESULT:   Juniors   2-0

NOOB SANDWICH REVIEWOOB!!

OK, that’s a lot of Champions League stuff.  We need a break before the next one.  And that means it’s time one of Noob’s newest features!   Let’s have at and reviewoob a sammich.  (Match previews continue after.  Promise.)

• 2 slices white bread
• Red pepper
• Olive slices
• Cucumber
• Radish slice
• Chives
• Orange nose (carrot, orange pepper or cheese)
• Sandwich filling of choice (turkey, cheese, ham etc.)

 

1. Cut slices of bread into circles with a sharp knife. 
2. Fill sandwich with a combination of your favorite ingredients, such as ham and cheese, turkey and cheese, turkey and avocado slices. 
3. If it is for a child’s party, try to choose ingredients that kids will be most likely to eat.
4. Now, cut a large red pepper slice to make the bandana of the pirate. 
5. Cut two little pieces to make the “ties”.
6. Add eyes, nose, mouth and ears, as shown. 
7. Use olive slices without pimentos for earrings.

Where to begin…  Can we nickname this sandwich “Child Abuse”.  As a kid, even if I asked for a pirate-themed bday party, I’d run away from home after my friends and I were served this.

First of all, let’s just knock out of the way that the specificity of white bread seems historically less than accurate and best and downright racist-y at worst.

And for the love of Pete, save forcefeeding the kid those particular vegetables for a “home healthy night” meal.  

“sandwich filling of choice” — umm, isn’t it a little late for that?  And then go on and suggest something like avacado slices??   Look, Noob will take one cold, but the sandwich audience of kid’s bday party attendees are going to start kneeling at school at Pledge of Allegiance time to show disdain for the injustice of this sammich.

“If it is for a child’s party, try to choose ingredients that kids will be most likely to eat.”     Shut the front door!  We’re considering serving this at a function for ADULTS??

The only saving grace for this disaster is that the pirate earring-olives have the pimentos removed.  Green olives are bad enough, but Noob thinks we can all agree that pimentos would escalate this is to an actual crime scene.  Draw a chalk line around this monstrosity.

So Noob rates this sandwich at Half a Sandwich out of five on the Noob Sandwich Reviewoob sandwich rating system.  God help us all if we ever find a worse one.  If that happens, I’d like my “filling of choice” to be rusty nails and pimento loaf, thank you.

7. Suwon Bluewings vs. Kashima Antlers – AFC Champions League

They’ve also reached the Semifinal stage in Asia’s CL!   Kashima won the first match of this home-and-away series 3-2.

Suwon qualified by finishing third in South Korea’s K-League last year.  K-League is one of only three in the federation that qualifies three.  Japan is another.  Kashima were runners-up last year in the J1 League.

Suwon have just a few matches left in K-League.  They’re in 4^th, seven points out of the third and final CL berth for next year.   They struggled alternatingly on O and D all season, eked through nearly every match and two-legged tie to get to this Semi.

Kashima are in a league dogfight late in their season to qualify for next year’s CL.  They’re tied for 3^rd, playing defense maybe just a titch above average on the year.  They enter this Semi with a little momentum though.  Antlers pummeled their Chinese quarterfinal opponents 5-0 on aggregate.

Just like yesterday with the CAF CL matchup, the perspective compared to U.S. soccer is about the same.  Suwon would be a tiny favorite to win MLS.  Kashima should be able to beat America’s best club 60-65% of the time on neutral pitches.

And so Kashima should also win today.   Whomever wins will face Iranian historic great Persepolis in the Finals.

RESULT:    3-3      And so the Finals will be Kashima and Persepolis

8. Cruz Azul vs. Leon – Copa MX

From yesterday’s match preview from this tournament:

They play two Copas per year, just as their full soccer season is divided into two separate halves.  This is the Apertura, the first-half Copa.  Only teams from the top two leagues ever compete in these. They’re done to the Semifinals, and it’s all Liga MX (top-flite) clubs remaining. 

In Mexico, they don’t play home-and-away series.  Liga MX current #B gets to host this deciding match.  They started the league season like they might run away with the title.  They’ve come back to earth a little of late, but the defense is still league-best.

Leon are shuffling along, a perfectly average club in a three-way league tie for 10^th.  Their defense has to tighten up a bit if they’re going to finish in the top eight and qualify for the Apertura postseason.  But they’re certainly good enough to get hot on either end of the field and pull of a road upset today.

It looks like the winner will get league traditional powerhouse Monterrey in the final.  At time of this writing, they lead 2-3 at Pachuca.  But they’re down to ten men after someone was naughty and got a straight red card, so who knows?

RESULT:   Cruz Azul   1-1  /  5-4  PK        Leon went down to ten men via a red card very early, yet still scored first.  

 

 

 

More shuffling in Mexico…

9. PSM Makassar vs. Persib Bandung – Indonesia Liga 1

We finish today’s portion of the Midweek Edition with straight league match play.  The season’s about 2/3 of the way complete in Indonesia’s top flight.  It’s ranked below average in Asia, but some of that has to do with the entire league having been suspended by FIFA a couple years back.  They’re top-20 talent.

That said, they’re not even guaranteed one entry into the AFC CL.  The winner here may get into a qualifying Round of that event.   Or they may be stuck playing in the Asia Cup, a secondary tournament for top teams from “developing soccer nations”, as the AFC so diplomatically puts it.

This is a #1-#B matchup, though if momentum means much, it may not be a close one today.   Makassar have won five straight and scored multiple goals in them all.  Bandung haven’t won in three straight and have struggled on defense.  Given that the match is also in Makassar, no reason to not treat the hosts today as a full-goal fave.

RESULT:   1-1

 

1. Manchester United vs. Juventus – UEFA Champions League

Europe’s best clubs return for more Group Stage action today.  Pods of four teams playing double round robin home and away series.  Best two from each Group advances to the Knockout Stage, and finishing #1 or #B will matter for seeding there.

Going by Elo Rating, there’s no finer club in the world right now than Juve.  And some of the data going into that precedes their acquisition of World’s Greatest Player Cristiano Ronaldo for this year.  They won both their Group Stage matches so far, must be salivating for today’s match, given Man Utd’s struggles this season.

Man Utd. are 1-1-0, just two points behind Juve in the Group.  Neither Valencia or Young Boys of Bern (Switzerland) even scored a goal their first two matches.  those are the plusses.

But Man Utd. haven’t won a league match that matters all year and their merely midtable to show for that.  Either the drama between star player Pogba and their coach Mourinho is weighing them down, the players are largely siding with Pogba and not playing their best for the coach, or both.

Everything points to Serie A-undefeated Juventus getting likely road result and perhaps even win on the road today.   But there’s one teensy little fly in the ointment:  Juve just let mid-table Genoa get a draw with them.  In Turin.  Juve did dominate statistically.

But maybe, just maybe, Juve’s feeling drained by the Ronaldo circus as well.  It’s hard to think that rape allegations* against your new star player aren’t having some kind of effect in the locker room.

* This topic, while incredibly important, isn’t one I’m is going to address in detail.  Your Google-machine powers will lead you to all manner of in-depth articles that would outstrip anything I would bring to the table. 

RESULT:   Juve   0-1

B.  Shakhtar Donetsk vs. Manchester City – UEFA Champions League

Meanwhile, nearly everything is clicking for Man City.   They’re undefeated, tied atop the Premier League table, and looking perhaps even better than last year during their record-breaking season.  The only meaningful blemish has been their home loss to Group leaders Lyon.

So Man City trail Lyon by a point, and Ukraine behemoths Shakhtar lurk just a point behind them in turn.  The Blues simply must get a road win today, put to bed any notion that anyone besides they and Lyon are advancing.

Noob’s not predicting an upset in either match, but I think Shakhtar has a better chance of pulling wining today than Man Utd.

RESULT:    City   0-3

 

 

Noob can pick out as many as three possible Number B’s in Ukraine’s alphabet.

3. Pachuca vs. Monterrey – Copa MX

A reminder of what we have with Mexico:

They play two Copas per year, just as their full soccer season is divided into two separate halves.  This is the Apertura, the first-half Copa.  Only teams from the top two leagues ever compete in these. They’re done to the Semifinals, and it’s all Liga MX (top-flite) clubs remaining.

In Mexico, they play one-offs here, no home and away series.  Pachuca are the lesser team, if you look at league standings (merely 10^th place), but get to host the league #5.

But hosting, Pachuca’s got a real shot.  Both teams are playing average defense and having a little trouble scoring.  That gap between them in the table can’t be seen as so wide and one is reminded that in each half-season they only play 17 matches.  Noob wouldn’t bet on this match, but would go against the traditional powerhouse and take Pachuca at home today unless forced.

And who would force someone to gamble?  That sounds like a worse movie concept than Ben Affleck and Justin Timberlake’s Runner Runner.  Woof.

RESULT:   Monterrey   3-3  /  3-4  PK           Pachuca outscored Monterrey 2-1 after the visitors lost a man to a straight red card, but it wasn’t quite enough.    Rogelio Funes Mori with two goals for the winners.

4. Esperance vs. Primeiro de Agosto – CAF Champions League

This is the second match of a two-legged, home and away Semifinal series in Africa’s CL.  1dA won the first match at their place 1-0.   And if they keep up, Noob may have to start actually paying attention to Angola’s top league!

The Girabola used to be a top-10 league on the continent, back in the early aughts when the CAF first made official rankings.   They’d fallen to #17 recently, though will crack the top ten again when the next ones are released.  It would be a fairly big upset if they held on to beat the Tunisians today, even with a one-goal lead in hand from the first match.

For perspective, let’s look at how they would likely fare in MLS.  Based on Elo ratings (think chess, or even competitive Scrabble), 1dA would actually be the favorite coming into a season.  But barely, just a few points ahead of U.S. Elo #1 New York Red Bulls.

Meanwhile, Esperance are 100 points ahead of 1dA.  They should hypothetically win, oh, about 2/3 of matches they’d play on neutral pitches against NYRB.  Tunisia’s is the second-best league in Africa, behind Egypt’s.

For a touch more perspective, any of the above teams mentioned would probably be Relegated if they played in England’s Premier League, but at least compete to get Promoted to it from the second division.

RESULT:   Esperance   4-2              The Tunisians advance on aggregate, 4-3.  They will face Africa’s #1 team, Al-Ahly of Egypt, in the Final.

 

 

Wow.   Noob thought that was pretty good, honestly.  I’ll have to reevaluate.

And then I’ll find some way to insult you!  As soon as I figure out what kind of animal you are.

 

Wesnesday and Thursday

coming soon!

Noob had such a grand old time guesting on the Bros Talking Soccer podcast last night, I was too tuckered out to do an advance write up for Relegation Monday!

You can find podcast platform links at  http://brostalkingsoccerpodcast.com for this most recent episode (#96) and their other ‘casts.   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gs2XT0bzOT0   can be used to get to the recording of the live-stream on YouTube.

The Bros were such good sports.  And they’re such young, bright-eyed lads.   Youth and hopefulness simply beam from them.   Noob had an absolute ball being a part of it!   Watching little parts of their souls wither and die from enduring a guest as odd as me and who Does. Not. Know. Soccer. For Realz. was awkward and fascinating.

But Noobites, I’m getting there!   WE are getting there.  And on Mondays, we get our learning on by visiting clubs on the edge of getting Relegated – kicked out of their current leagues – for poor performance.

Today, all but one of the matches is already complete, a new twist for the Track.

Before the pain, let’s check out a match of happier import.

1. Arsenal vs. Leicester City – English Premier League

Sweet, sweet Arsenal.   You have Noob’s adoration just for being accursed Tottenham  Sir Topham Hatt Hotspour’s archirival.  Instead of being named for a cretinous multi-time historical traitor, you are GUHNS.   So, so Americuh-y.

Anyway!   This was the lone offering from the EPL today.  Mezut Ozil scored just before the break and Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang scored a pair later to lead Arsenal to a 3-1 win.  They still don’t look like they’ll have the chops to compete for the league title, but this keeps them part of a three-way tie for 3^rd place.  Leicester remains in 11^th.

And now, the Matches of Suckitude!

B.  Bray Wanderers vs. Derry City – League of Ireland Premier

A Relegation Monday Miracle!

Bray are so far in last place, there’s been no chance of their fate being changed for some time.   They have fewer than half the table points of Sligo Rovers, the lowest team in the standings not in a Relegation position.  But a 90’ goal from John Sullivan gave them the 2-1 win today over the league #7 side.

3. Cracovia vs. Gornik Zabrze – Poland Ekstraklasa

Oooh, this one oozed with awfulness.  Noob can’t believe either team scored.  Cracovia managed it twice, though, in skunking now-last place G.Z.  Cracovia climb out of the cellar and into a tie for 14^th with the win.

This is one of the leagues that splits into Championship and Relegation subdivisions late in their season.  These two will both be there at the end.  Their offenses aren’t much better than half as good as any other club’s.

4. Maccabi Haifa vs. Maccabi Netanya – Israel Premier

This league is plummeting towards merely average in the UEFA rankings.  As you would imagine, at least one of these two isn’t helping the cause.

Haifa were below average last year and no better this season. Netanya finished 5^th, in 2017-18, but sit in last currently.

Netanya today jumped all the way into a tie for 9^th with an 0-2 win.  It’s hard to know how much to read into it.  They got the first goal after their hosts went down to ten men via a straight red card, then got goal number two after Haifa lost another player to a straight red.  Some-club woke up on the wrong side of the bed, came to work all crankypants.

5. Trabzonspor vs. Erzurum – Turkey Super Lig

Three teams will get The Boot from Turkey at season’s end.  Erzurum just came up from the second division and so far look like they’re going right back down.  They managed to hold #7 Trabzon to a scoreless draw today and that’s fine work.   But they’re going to need get past their growing pains in top-flite soon.

6. Luch Minsk vs. Gomel – Belarus Premier

Congrats to the Belarusian Premier League!   When the 2019 rankings are out, they will be #21, several notches above dead average in all Europe.

And more kudos go out to Luch.  La la LUCH!  They started the day in second-to-last, good for getting Demoted when the league season is done.  But with a 1-0 victory today, they climb a notch, out of danger for the moment, and two points clear of Torpedo Minsk.

The score was an own-goal by Gideon Baah, who Noob likes to imagine exclaimed his own last name after the gaffe.

7. Brommapojkama vs. Goteborg – Sweden Allsvenskanliga

You know, Noob sure missed Dan the Intern-o Inferno.  Quality technical, computer-y work.   Endured my shenanigans.   I want to try getting an update on how things are going with him at his new job with the Swedish women’s football association…but I’m afeared.  Noob thinks he may be a spy of some sort, though I don’t know for whom.

Bromma started the day in second-to-last, and there they remain after an 0-2 loss to after below average Goteborg.   They’re tied on points with Dalkurd.  If they can climb past them, they could at least defend their top-flite status for 2018-19 by winning a Relegation Playoff match against whatever club finishes in 3^rd in the second division.

But that’s not likely.  They’ve got the worst offense and defense.  It’s a wonder they have six wins to cellar dweller Trellsborg’s mere three.

8. Belgrano vs. Banfield – Argentina Premier

Belgrano are in the bottom four in Argentina’s multi-year Relegation table.   One win was not going to move them out, but they nearly added another upset to our Monday mayhem.  But midtable Banfield got the equalizer at 90’.  Que lastima, Belgrano.

9. Dinamo Bucaresti vs. Dinarea Calarasi – Romania Liga I

This is another league that divides into two separate divisions near season’s end.  While neither is at the bottom of the table, both are currently in that Relegation subdivision zone.  After a 1-1 draw today, they remain in 12^th and tied for 9^th, respectively.

Calarasi’s defensive numbers show they can perhaps flirt with escaping the Danger Zone.  D-Buc play none at all.  They’re offense is ok for an also-ran, but not likely enough to make a serious run towards the table’s top half.

10. Tecnico Universidad vs. Independiente de Valle – Ecuador Serie A

We finish the Track with the one match that at time of this writing isn’t already complete.  High drama awaits!  If you’re satellite package is deep enough, you can even catch this at 9:00 PM EST on GOL TV.

What will you be catching?  A home team trying like the dickens to get out of the bottom two of the aggregate table.  Right now they’re in just third-to-last.  If they can make this a shooutout, they’ve got at least an even chance at a win against IdV, which is only two spots higher in the table.

RESULT:   IdV   0-2

Family events have pressed Noob for time, so no wacky images today, at least at initial posting time.

But it’s time for the first-ever Isle of Sodor Premier League to begin!   Noob’s exclusive coverage should be enough for all of us to digest.

MLS playoff hunting is on as well, and Noob brings you the mosst interesting match previews from hither and yon in Europe.

Don’t forget to google up Bros Talking Soccer’s live streaming YouTube channel to catch Noob has he guests on their broadcast there and then later in podcast form!   Yes, Noob warned them it was a questionable idea.   They’re young and optimistic and that’s a great way to live though! 🙂

1. FC Dallas vs. Sporting Kansas City – Major League Soccer

Two matches to go in the regular season and things couldn’t be much tighter atop the Wester Conference table.

These are your #1 and #B teams, separated by just a point.   LAFC is tied in the table with KC, too.   They’ll all, of course, want the trophy.   But just finishing in the top two is critical, as those teams are awarded a bye for the first round of the Playoffs.

KC had not won in three matches until blasting Vancouver 1-4 last time out.  Have they found their offense again, just at the right time?    It’s been their bread and butter all season, but it’d been dry crusts for a while there.

Dallas had been rolling, yet not getting distance from KC because of more draws than wins.  Losing 1-0 to red-hot D.C. United in their last one is understandable, but at least their defense was and is still performing at a high level.   They don’t play small ball exactly, but have been far and away the most successful defensive-minded squad of those postseason-bound.

RESULT:   KC   0-3

B.  Arlesburgh United vs. Brendam Harbor – Isle of Sodor Premier League

It’s finally here!!

Noob was proud to bring you exclusive coverage of the 2018 Isle of Sodor FA Cup this summer.  First time they’ve ever held one.  It wasn’t meant to be exclusive, but no on else had picked up the ball.

Now, their first ever Premier League season begins.   Maybe it’s because they’re not FIFA members.  Heck, they don’t even play in CONIFA.  Maybe it’s because they’re not affiliated with England’s FA like their neighbors, the Isle of Man (they’re in what’s called the “County System”).  But once again, no other non-domestic media reps are here.  It seems Noob’s coverage will be exclusive once again!

Noob’s packed his bags headed across The Pond to give you season-long coverage.   I’ll have much more detail on the formation of the country’s FA and the look of their new Premier League and two lower leagues very soon.  Already there is a Page on this site recapping all the match results from the FA Cup.  You can also Search the site for posts in which games were Tracked and learn some stuff about the various clubs.  Soon, the IoSPL will have its own Page, too.

For now, hello from Arlesburgh!   The first ever PL match is by design a rematch from the FA Cup Final.  That was held in Suddery, the capital, and Brendam Harbor routed Arlesburgh Utd. 0-5.

The Harbormen are the only team on Sodor that plays really hard defense.   It’s a cultural thing, considered almost uncouth to be too aggressive in that way.  There’s another team from the town of Brendam United are held in higher esteem outside their town.  Harbor are sort of the bad guys of the league, though no Suddric would ever phrase it quite so.

Arlesbugh Utd. were a surprise in reaching that Final at all.  Based on historical results from loosely-formed leagues and friendlies galore over the years, they were thought to be a team would do pretty well in the third tier, but have been placed in Premier as a reward for their astounding results in the Cup.

Again, so much more on this league is coming and soon.  For now, be aware that is begun and the world should be excited.

RESULT:   Harbor   1-4

3. D.C. vs. NYCFC – Major League Soccer

The bottom slice of bread in this MLS sandwich is the continued run of the train D.C. United.   After spending so much of the season in the basement, their historic run has seen them climb to 6^th and be four points clear of their nearest rival.  They could climb as high as #3 these last two matches, though such a jump is unlikely.

Wayne Rooney correctly gets most of the credit for this epic turnaround since being signed mid-season.  But If the team is to remain in the Playoffs, perhaps even make a run, it will likely be on the backs of their defense.  They’ve allowed just one goal in their string of four straight wins.

So, here’s a rare shoutout to a defenseman.  The goalkeeping has been great, but the guy who really seems to hold everything together of late is French national Frederic Brillant.    He played for NYCFC last year and will try to be a pox on them today.

RESULT:   D.C.   3-1         The comeback is complete!   DCU are in the Playoffs.      Rooney with a pair of scores, Acosta with the other.

4. UNAM Pumas vs. UANL Tigres – Liga MX

Two of the league’s best defenses face off in this one.  They’re #5 and #8 in the league, respectively, and the top eight make the Playoffs.

Pumas need to start putting away some opponents instead of settling for so many draws.  Statistically, they’re the second-best team in the league.  Tigres don’t do quite so well in that end, but Noob thinks they can hold off the slue of teams two points behind them for that last postseason berth.   But they need a result today, and the smell in the air is a 0-0 draw.

RESULT:   3-3      Well, it was a draw, anyway!     Carlos Gonzalez did all the scoring for Pumas.

5. Everton vs. Crystal Palace – English Premier League

This isn’t the smexiest matchup, but it’s our lone one from Britain today.   They’re #11 and #14 in the table.

In the time Noob’s been learning footyball, Everton seems to be one of those clubs that always lurks non-threateningly just below the top clubs that qualify for the international European tournaments.  But they’ve won two in a row, and should make it three today.

Palace have lost their last two, and not for having played any of the title contenders.  They’ve scored all of five goals on the year, which would be league worst if not for Huddersfield.  Palace packs it in on defense and prays for the best.  God does not answer Crystal Palace’s prayers.

RESULT:   Everton   1-0

6. Saprissa vs. Alajuense – Costa Rica Primera

Back to CONCACAF territory for a dandy!   Costa Rica’s top flight is maybe every bit as good as MLS.

Alajuense surprise by leading their hosts today by four in the table.  They score like it might go out of style soon and have won four straight matches.  Saprissa score, too, and they have the league’s best defense.   Their only loss recently has been to fellow traditional powerhouses Herediano.

RESULT:   Saprissa   2-1

7. Cibao vs. Atletico Pantoja – Dominican Republic Liga Mayor

It’s Playoffs time in the DR!   This is the second leg of a Semifinal match.  Cibao won the first leg 3-2, can take care of business and advance at home today.

These were the second and third-best teams in the regular season.  They league’s top six than play what they call a Liguilla.  The records are thrown out and they play five matches to determine which four make the Final Stage (bracketed Playoffs).

This should be a shootout.  Both teams have been scored in bunches during the Liguilla, especially Ciabao.  The winner gets Atletico de San Francisco, which won their both their Semifinal matches over distant pretenders Real Vega by scores of 8-0 in both.

RESULT:   Cibao   3-2      And so they’ll face SF in the Finals

8. Vardar Skopje vs. Shkendija – Macedonia Prva Liga

in 2019, this league will move up to #34 in UEFA.   Hey, they’re playing.

V.S. is undefeated and seven points up on Shkendija and less traditional power Academy Pandev.    They’ve given up just four goals in a ten matches.  Shknedija score like it’s pinball.  They’ve been hurt by achieving only draws in half their matches.

RESULT:   Shkendija   0-2        The league race is back on!

9. FC Sheriff vs. Milsami Orhei – Moldova National Division

If you follow the early, early round of UEFA Champions Leagues, you know the name Sheriff.  Best offense, best defense.  If they add cheerleaders, they’ll be the hottest in all Moldova.  They’d probably import some Nordic beauties to make sure.  Noob doesn’t know if Moldovans are known for being hot.  I’m trying to learn soccer, but I can’t get it all at once.

M.O. are a distant #B and should be two-goal underdogs today.

RESULT:   1-1

10. St. John’s vs. Hard Rock – Grenada Premier

We finish our Track today with more CONCACAF-feination!   No, the term still hasn’t caught on.  Noob dares to dream.

Is this an “important” league?   Not to most.   But Noob’s making a concerted effort to get to know his neighbors.

So!  St. John’s are tied for #1 in the league after a dozen matches.  They and Hurricanes are both 5-0-0.   The latter have the best offense and defense in the league and should pull away before long.   A win over the visiting #3 Hard Rock side seems requisite of they want to keep pace for much longer.  Hard Rock don’t have the defensive prowess to keep up today or this season.

RESULT:   SJ   1-0

As always on Fridays, we start our journey at or close to home.  Postseason is upon us!

Then it’s off to footyball hinterlands the world over.

That was the first time I’ve ever typed Friday without having to correct my natural typo of “Froday”.   Suckcess!

(Yes, sometimes you have to spell it with a ‘k’ for contextual accuracy)

1. Phoenix Rising vs. Portland Timbers II – United Soccer League Playoffs

Postseason time – Let.  It.  Beh-geeeen!!

This is the opening salvo for America’s second division league Playoffs, only match today.  The tournament is classic American style – brackets, one match and done.

These two actually just played on 10.13.  The Timbers reserve side won 0-1.  Prior to that they’d lost two in a row, albeit to clubs higher in the Western Conference than themselves.

Phoenix is limping.  Prior to that home loss to PT2, they got decimated at non-playoff Las Vegas Lights.  (Btw, congrats to that club and American all-timer Eric Wynalda, as he is now signed to be head coach.)

Both teams play terrific offense, only trailing #1 Orange Country in that regard.  But Phoenix can defend with the best, too.  Not so, Timbers.   It appears this match will be available on ESPN+ (10:30 PM EST).

RESULT:   Phoenix   3-0

B.  Atlas vs. Veracruz – Liga MX

This would be the perfect Relegation Monday match, the bottom two clubs in the league.  And by a lot.  But Noob always previews a match from our biggest soccer neighbors top league whenever a match is available!

With five matches left in the Apertura (first half-season), neither team is mathematically eliminated from contention for the Liguilla (postseason).  But they’re not going to get there.  They’re the only clubs that don’t average a goal per match.  Heck, Atlas only averages one every three.  Veracruz is the one giving up the atrocious number of goals though.

So what hope do they have?  Well, Atlas has scored three of those league goals in their last two outings. Veracruz managed to keep a clean sheet in their last game.  They didn’t score themselves, either, but it’s something.

RESULT:   Atlas   4-3               Veracruz led until getting a man sent off at 62′.  Christian Menedez had two goals in the losing effort.

 

 

Oh, settle yourself, Number B.

You’ll get a better match tomorrow.

3. Adelaide United vs. Sydney FC – Australia A-League

It’s springtime in Oz, and that means top-flight footyball returns!   This is the first match of the 2018-19 season and the only one today.  The league is rated 9^th (of 46) in Asia.

Sydney are the two-time regular season defending champions.  Best in the league last year on offense and even better on defense.  Adelaide were midtable, finding their troubles scoring goals.

If you feel like you’ve been hearing about Australian football recently, it would be because of last year’s last place club, Central Coast Mariners.  Retired world’s greatest sprinter Usain Bolt has been playing and training with them.

RESULT:   1-1

4. Sheffield Wednesday vs. Middlesbrough – England Championship

The top two in England’s second tier league get automatically Promoted for next season.  The next four in the table will have a postseason tournament to decide one more to move up.

The season’s about a third over, and these are two of the contenders.  4^th-place Middlesbrough haven’t lost to S.W. in their last five contests.  They play some serious small ball, with a 14-6 GD on the year.

The hosts here are in a tie for 5^th.  Noob doesn’t think they have the defensive chops to stay up this high though.

RESULT:   Middlesbrough   1-2            Middlesbrough move into a tie for 1st

 

 

 

Sharply dressed pig  *nod*

Noob neither has nor needs reason

5. Metz vs. Niort – France Ligue 2

Metz were just abysmal last season in Ligue 1.  But they’ve been playing amazingly this season as they try to earn there way back up.  They’ve got much more offensive fire power than nearly everyone else in this league.  Like in England, the top two get Promoted.  Metz is #1.

Only the next three clubs in the table here play in the postseason tournament to be the third and final team to move up.  There seems to be a gulf between the top four and everyone else, so the race should remain wide for that key 5^th-place slot.  Niort is tied for that now.

RESULT:   Metz   3-0

Fun Fact:   While Metz has one both the league and FA Cups, their best ever Ligue 1 finish was runners-up (1997-98).

6. Spezia vs. Pescara – Italy Serie B

Teams #3 through #8 get to at season’s end for the third and final chance to be Promoted in Italy.  Spezia don’t have to worry about that so far.  They’re #1 and one of only two undefeated teams in the league.  (The other is just 2-5-0.)

Spezia are in 4^th.   The season here is younger than the other D2’s we’ve been visiting, and the teams all look very similar statistically.

RESULT:   Pescara   1-3

 

 

You know you’re allowed to update your boring crest after the first century, yes?

7. Almere City vs. Go Ahead Eagles – Netherlands Eerste Divisie

6-2-1.   Three teams in the Dutch second division share that exact record, and it has them all #1.  Since only one team automatically moves up to Eredivisie for 2019-20, it’s looking like it could be a dramatic year here!

Look for a shootout today.  These are the two-highest goal-scoring clubs in the league, and neither is backing it up with the very best defense.

RESULT:   Eagles   0-1

Fun Fact:   Go Ahead was originally named “Be Quick”.   Noob knows he’s weird, sometimes gives the truth “scope”.  But this bit’s real.

8. Shabab Al Dhahiriya vs. Hilal Al Quds – Palestine West Bank League

These are last year’s #10 and #1 clubs.  it’s the 30^th-ranked league in the AFC.   Blah blah blah.

Look, if department stores can be putting up Xmas stuff already, I can be working on my wish list.

Santa, I want some Al Dhahiriya swag this year.  Because I have the humor and emotional maturity of an 11 year-old.   Has Noob been a good boy?  Well, I’m posting a poop joke on a bizarre soccer-comedy site.  I’m not sure that’s bad.   But it prolly ain’t good!

Here’s to hoping that honesty counts for something.

RESULT:   Quds   0-1

9. Pakistan Air Force vs. ASM – Pakistan Premier

Welcome to the lowest-ranked league in Asia!   Hey.  They’re playing.  We’re going to be citizens of the world.

And Noob has a loooonnnng way to go in that regard.  You could’ve told me Pakistan didn’t have an Air Force and I would’ve believed it.  Or that they had one, but that it was so small that a soccer team was sponsoring them and not the other way around.

This league doesn’t qualify a team into AFC Champions League.  They and many fall under the federation’s “Developing Countries” umbrella, which means they instead send one to the secondary AFC Cup annually.  They’ve only just begun their season, but PAF is #B.  Four will get Relegated at season’s end and ASM is in line to be one of those.

Wait, they have an Air Force and at least one other national football league?  *mind blown*

RESULT:   PAF   2-0

Fun Fact:    The Air Force there has over 70.000 people.   (And Noob’s riled them all up.  Duck and cover!)

10. Al-Nahda vs. Dhofar – Oman Pro League

We finish the track today in an almost-average league (#26) in Asia.   Pretty sure this is the first time we’ve Globetrotted to Oman.   And instead of weird humor, we conclude with just a really good matchup.

Dhofar are #1 and the countries’ one remaining undefeated club after seven matches.  They’ev already opened up a four-point lead on the pack, and hold five over their hosts today.

Every other team in the league as conceded at least six goals.  Dhofar have allowed just three.  And they’re not playing small ball.  They’’re tied for the best offense, too.

RESULT:   2-2

 

So long from Al-Buraimi, Oman, home of Al-Nahda!

A traditional folk dance-duel.

For our newest Noobites – Hi, and welcome to one of the light days of the soccer week!

Here at Noob, we take this this chance to embrace matches involving teams about to get kicked out of their leagues for poor performance.

Embrace their pain.  A burden shared is a burden lessened and stuff.

1. Spain vs. England – UEFA Nations League

All three teams in this League A Group have played two of their four matches.  Winners of each Group in League A make the Playoff Stage.

They’re ranked 9^th and 6^th in the world by FIFA, but it’s Spain who lead the group.  In fact, they’re the only ones who have won a match.  Anything but a win and “The Three Lions” are no longer in contention.  (2:45 PM EST, Unvision Deportes)

RESULT:   England   2-3         For the winners, two goals for Raheem Sterling, two assists for Harry Kane, and one of each for Marcus Rashford.  But England still trails Spain by two in the table with one match remaining.

B.  Costa del Este vs. Plaza Amador – Panama National League

Panama’s top league is a curiosity to Noob.  Only two teams score a lot, and they both give up so many goals that it doesn’t really matter.

Costa del Este lead the league in the table by virtue of having the best defense of all.  Plaza Amador don’t score or give up goals much at all.  So far, the style has been good to the tune of their being tied for #B.   Top two finishers in The Apertura and Clausura (first and second half-season) make the league Playoffs.

RESULT:   CdE   1-0

 

 

Sorry, Number Two.  You’re a Digit of Suckitude.

The Quest for Number B is ON.

3. Libya vs. Nigeria – Africa Cup of Nations qualification

Top two finishers in each Group of four make the Cup next season.  They’re halfway through the Group Stage and these two are #B and #3 currently.

Libya are just barely ranked in the top 100 by FIFA worldwide.   But they’re #B after three matches!  They trail #B Nigeria by two table points.  The visitors today are ranked #48, indicating they should win this game handily, even on the road.

RESULT:   Nigeria   2-3      A painful loss for the Libyans.  They came back from down 0-2 to tie things up.      The second goal for Odion Ighalo wins it at 81′ for the visitors.

And now, your weekly Matches of Suckitooooooood!

4. Ceara vs. Botafogo – Brazil Serie A

Ceara have only lost one of their last six!   That push has only been enough to get them to 18^th out of 20 league teams.  And four will be Relegated at season’s end.  They’ve found a stride on offense, should catch Vitoria.  But they’ll need to also pass at least one another team.

Botafogo is #14 and struggle so much on offense that their one of the teams Ceara could end up passing if they are able to save themselves.   (7:00 PM, Premiere Futebol Clube)

RESULT:   0-0

 

 

Not a cartoon ref, this is Ceara’s mascot, Vovo!

Their colors just happens to be black and white.

5. Independiente de Valle vs. Guayaquil City – Ecuador Serie A

GC are so awful, there’s only one team that doesn’t score at minimum twice as often as them.  Last place.   Their defense is actually almost average.  Too bad for them midtable IdV’s is just as good.

Fun Fact:   GC’s stadium is named for Christian Benitez, who played in the early 2010’s for Liga MX club America for a then-record 10 million bucks.

RESULT:     ppd

6. Dwangwa United vs. MAFCO – Malawi Super League

This isn’t one of Africa’s ranked domestic leagues.  But hey, they’re playing.  Not only that, they’re gifting us a double-Suckitude match!

The bottom three will get The Boot from this top-flite domestic league.  MAFCO are in second-to-last and have enough cushion to either side in the table that that won’t change in 2018.

Dwangwa, on the other hand, have hope. They’re just one spot higher in the table, but down only a little on GD to the team right above them.  They appear likely to finish a couple slots higher.  But this is the sort of game where they must get the three points, or Noob’s prediction will prove wrong.

RESULT:   1-1

 

 

“Lakeshore” refers to Lake Nyasa, of which the Dwangwa River is a tributary.

7. Trajal Krusavec vs. Teleoptik – Serbia Prva Liga

With it being International Break for Europe, we need to look into countries’ second divisions to find suckiness today.  Serbia’s top league is UEFA-ranked #19, newly cracking the top 20!  Their top feeder league will Relegate four teams when all’s said and done.

T.K. are in 14^th of the 16 clubs.  They’re one of three that score half a goal per game-average or less.  Still, they play very solid defense and Noob thinks their destined to finish above the Cutline.  At home today against a midtable club, I think they’ve got a coin flip chance to win today.

RESULT:   Teleoptik   0-1

Less Than Fun Fact:   Krusavec was very successful as an industrial city as part of Yugoslavia.  However, it never recovered from the 1999 NATO bombings as part of the Kosovo War.

8. Hapoel Marmorek vs. Hapoel Katamon Jerusalem – Israel Liga Leumit

The Israeli Premier recently fell out of the top 20 leagues in UEFA.  Right now, HKJ is #1 in the second division there, primed to move up to Premier.

If the season ended today, Marmorek would be in third-to-last, meaning they’d have at least a chance to stay up.  They’d have to play the third place third-tier club for the right to play in Leumit next season.

It won’t come to that for Marmorek though.   They’re one of the two weakest clubs there in Noob’s estimation, will be sent down outright.   Swiss cheese defense.

RESULT:   2-2

 

 

 

Swiss raclette cheese has fewer holes, could be a slightly better defensive option.

9. Bogota vs. Tigres – Colombia Primera B

Is it really “Premier” if it’s B?   No offense, #B, but it’s a valid question.

Another is whether or not this league Relegates any teams at all annually.  Noob’s sources are conflicted.  If they do, Bogota is in position to go down, second-to-last place.  Defense if their severe bugaboo.

Tigres’ fight will to be to finish in the top half of the table.  They’re just below that now, and based on stats at least, they’re positioned correctly.  Noob surmises Bogota has about a 50-50 shot to earn a draw against them today.

RESULT:   Bogota   1-0

Fun Fact:   Bogota FC was originally named “Club El Condor”.

10. Persiwa vs. Martapura – Indonesia Liga 2

The second-to-last place team in this league has nearly three times the points in the table as Persiwa.  As seems to be the theme today, they don’t bother with defense.  Still, #6 Martapura is just barely above average.  Noob thinks this one is fated to end in a draw.

RESULT:   Persiwa   1-0         It’s a Relegation Monday miracle!

 

 

So long from Wamena Papua (home of Persiwa) and the Baliem Valley Festival!