Tag: PSG

’10 to Track’ Weekend Edition soccer matches – all the best from America, Mexico, UEFA, CAF CL

It won’t belong now until the big European leagues are in full swing and Noob likely expands back to doing separate Tracks for Saturday and Sunday.

For this weekend though, the ten most important matches to follow for us – the newish American fans of the global game – the best from our soccer perspective span both days.

That’s my way of saying these weekend is all trim meat, Noobites.  Slice of piece of the grade-A soccer.

  1. Sporting Kansas City vs. FC Dallas – Major League Soccer

KC spent most of the first half of the season leading the Western Conference, but now Dallas is on top (and LAFC is #B).  The difference.  KC has given up two or more goals in five straight matches, not winning any of them.

Dallas, meanwhile, have only conceded four in their last five games.   (And they won the one where they allowed multiple goals.)  Dallas’ defense is only surpassed league-wide by New York Red Bulls.  Jesse Gonzalez is their netminder and a title run is likely If he keeps playing at this level.   (8:00 PM EST, ESPN+)

RESULT:   Dallas   2-3     Michael Barrios with all three Dallas goals

Image result for Jesse Gonzalez FC Dallas

 

Jesse likes cold drinks, hot Texas nights, and wearing Mickey Mouse goalie gloves on dates.

His number is…

B.  Montreal Impact vs. Atlanta United – Major League Soccer

And now to the East!

Impact haven’t lost in their last seven times out, pushing into the Playoff picture (5th place).  Noob’s betting they won’t stay there.  Their defense has been more than suspect on the season, though better lately.  It’s helped them into two four-game losing streaks in 2018 so far.

Atlanta are #1, and that’s some tough business with both New York teams breathing down their necks.  Josef Martinez is their offensive star.  Noob mentions him again because he scored all three scores in their last match and win against D.C. United!   (7:00 PM, ESPN+, Fox Sports Southeast)

RESULT:   Atlanta   1-2    Ueber-star Josef Martinez with two goals

Image result for letter B star

 

Number B thinks himself a star.

But has he replaced numeral 2 in your hearts?

He should.

  1. Benfica vs. Juventus – International Champions Cup

Fans at Red Bull Arena certainly have been hoping to see Italian league champs’ new acquisition in action – world’s greatest Cristiano Ronaldo.   Sadly, he won’t be involved today though.  Benfica had won four Portuguese Primeira titles in a row before missing the mark last year.

It’s hard to handicap events in this tournament, since reserves may start or get substantial playing time as teams tune up for domestic leagues with the friendlies that make up this tournament.  Both teams won the first of the three matches they’ll each play in this event.   (1:00 PM, ESPN2)

RESULT:   Juventus   1-1  /  2-4 pk

  1. Chicago Red Stars vs. Sky Blue FC – National Women’s Soccer League

New Jersey’s Sky Blue FC have lost four in a tow and have yet to win a match all season.  They’ve allowed a dozen goals in their last for matches, all losses.

Despite losing only once in their last seven outings, Chicago are in 5th place, just outside the Playoff picture.  A likely win today will vault then all the way to 3rd though.

Sky Blue FC forward Nadia Nadim (9) celebrates her goal against the Houston Dash.

 

SBFC’s Nadia Nadim celebrates a goal.

Maybe someday she’ll get to celebrate a W.

  1. CF America vs. Atlas – Liga MX

Atlas is the city of Guadalajara’s “other team”, as the headliners there are Club Deportivo Guadalajara (Chivas).  Last Clausura (second half-season), Atlas actually outperformed their rivals.  That said, the two were just 15th and 17th place, respectively.

Liga MX is just starting it’s 2017-18 season.  But if things remain similar to last year, America’s defense should be able to get the three points today.   (8:00 PM, Univision)

RESULT:   CFA   3-0    Guido Rodriguez nets a pair

  1. Wydad Casablanca vs. Horoya AC – CAF Champions League

Ah, Wydad, Noob’s Moroccan favorite!  Only club I’ve found named for an actress/singer.  Or either one.  If either is a fan of the sport, maybe someday we’ll have a Club Timberlake or Joe Jonas FC…

Aaaanyway, Wydad are the defending champions of Africa’s CL.  Horoya qualified out of the unheralded top-flight league in Guinea. This event is in its Group Stage.  These two and South Africa’s Mamelodi Sundowns are all tied for 1st out of the four teams in this Group.  Also, they all earned just draws against one another in their first matches in the Round Robin. After tiebreakers, the table goes Sundowns, Horoya, Wydad.

On paper, there shouldn’t be any reasonable way to expect Horoya to compete with Wydad.  But they play the matches on grass, not paper.  That would be weird and crumply-noisy probably.   (3:00 PM, beIN Sports)

RESULT:    Wydad   2-0

Image result for paper soccer players

 

 

 

What witchcraft is this??

 

 

Sunday

  1. U.S.A. vs. Australia – Tournament of Nations

To whom can Noob write a strongly-worded letter about the boring and yet still misleading name for this event?  It’s not wrong, but there are just four teams participating.  Granted, these are really good national teams.

And so, reminder:  This is essentially a tournament of glorified friendlies.  With Women’s World Cup next year, this can be considered a tune-up for that.  They’re playing a round robin, no additional round.

#1 FIFA-ranked U.S.A. beat #6 Japan 4-2 in their first match, in which Alex Morgan netted a hat trick (three goals).  #8 Australia (“the Matildas”) pulled the minor upset over #7 Brazil 3-1 in theirs.  Those matches were in Kansas City.  Both matches today are being played in East Hartford Connecticut, at UConn’s home field.   (7:00 PM, FS1)

RESULT:   1-1

  1. North Carolina Courage vs. Lyon – women’s International Champions Cup

Another four-team event, all matches being played at Miami Gardens.  Noob doesn’t know enough yet to say that NC’s victory over Paris Saint-Germain was an upset or now.  Courage are easily the best American women’s team.  PSG is the secondary power in perhaps Europe’s top league.

Today, NCC get the real test.  Lyon as won three straight World Cup’s, and their own league 12 straight seasons.  Noon suspect’s the Courage will need even more than a career day from Alex Morgan.  Their other big star is Rapinoe, who also scored in the win over PSG.   (9:00 PM, ESPN2)

RESULT:   Courage   1-0

Image result for alex morgan funny

 

 

And when you score three goals in a match, you can rock whatever coif you want.  Right, Ms. Morgan?

  1. L.A. Galaxy vs. Orlando City – Major League Soccer

At time of this writing, Real Salt Lake is in action.  By the time some of reading this, they may have passed the Galaxy for 4th.  No matter what happens there, what a turnaround it’s been for the home team today.

Noob featured the Galaxy on Thursday.  “El Trafico” – the intracity rivalry match with LAFC – ended 2-2.  LAFC stormed back with two very late goals.  Will Zlatan & Co. be able to rev up after that derby?

Will it matter?  9th-place Orlando stink out loud.  This is good, right and appropriate.  The Management and Noob consider it a priority to espouse the evils of bad urban planning.  Nothing – NOTHING – good can ever come from building a city on a swamp.   (9:30 PM, FS1)

RESULT:   Galaxy   4-3

  1. UANL vs. Tijuana – Liga MX

It’s early in this league’s new season.  These are two teams that made last year’s playoffs for the Clausura (second-half season).  OK.

What Noob really can’t stop thinking about is how embarrassed I should be about the fact that I didn’t know until I started covering soccer that Tijuana is spelled without an A before the J.  That pronunciation is cited as common and perfectly acceptable.  Still, Noob feels more shame heaped upon shame.  Just thought I would’ve picked up that there was a phantom sound in there long before now.   (7:00 PM, Univision Deportes)

RESULT:   Tigres   1-0

Image result for shame funny

 

 

Use the phrase “chromosomally-challenged”.    It’s more PC.

  1. Cruziero vs. Sao Paulo – Brazil Serie A

To be a truly knowledgeable soccer citizen of the world. gotta follow Brazil.  South America’s best.  Sorry, Argentina.

Six clubs from here will qualify automatically for the Copa Libertadores Group Stage next year.  Cruziero are in 6th now, despite struggling a little on offense for a top club.  Noob would say their just-OK defense won’t make up for that lack, but they had similar stat lines a year ago and finished 5th.

Sao Paulo just keep continuing to surprise.  They’re #B in the league now, after a dismal 13th-place finish last year.  They’ve shored up their defense some.  Not enough to maintain a spot quite this high in the table for the whole season, but they sure look CL-bound at the very least.    (3:00 PM, Premiere Futebol Clube)

RESULT:   Sao Paulo   0-2

  1. MLS Homegrown vs. UANL U20 – MLS All-Star week

The MLS All-Star game will be on Aug. 1 in Atlanta.  This game is a lead-in, and in some ways maybe the more interesting affair.

Noob’s not exactly sure how MLS defines a “homegrown” player.  Could mean that the player is a U.S. native, or refer to anyone who came through an MLS soccer youth academy.  Or both, or neither, or involve some other variable.  Think I’m on the right track though, roughly.

They’ll be taking on UANL Tigres Under-20 team, their Mexican league’s champions.   This is matchup is part of a broad, multi-year partnership effort between America and Mexico to promote and develop the youth game.

Players to watch and who have been in this before are Kellyn Acosta from FC Dallas, New York Red Bulls’ Tyler Adams, and Justen Glad who plays for Real Salt Lake.   (8:30 PM, Univision Deportes)

RESULT:   1-1    Mexican kid got a red card at 78′, just a minute after his team got the equalizer.

Image result for Lil Jon soccer

 

So long, from Noob and ATL soccer fan Lil Jon.

A-what?  Okay.

’10 to Track’ Globetrotting Friday soccer matches – double-dipping in Mexico, then spanning the planet!

Friday’s, world leagues’ schedules tend to run a little lighter.  So Noob takes the opportunity to dust off his passport and visit soccer leagues hither and yonder!

As always, we’ll start close to home.  Then it’s off to exotic footyball hinterlands!  You may not always be able to drink the water, but Noobites can safely drink in these sweet match previews.

OK, that was lame.  Onward!

  1. Cruz Azul vs. CF America – Liga MX Femenil

Welcome to the Track, mujeres!  Noob’s been long overdue to feature a match from your league.  Wish it hadn’t been because I had to dash a preview of a women’s International Champions Cup game.  Noob thought North Carolina Courage was playing Paris Saint-Germain today, but NCC won that on Thursday.

But we’re all here now, and better for it!  Like the men’s league, this one is just getting started.  Unlike it, they are divided into two separate Groups for the season, with the top two in each making the Liguilla (postseason).

CF America won their Group last Clausura (half-season) on the strength on scoring half again as many goals as the next-best club.  Cruz Azul finished in 6th, unable to hit even double-digit goals in 14 matches.  Woof.

RESULT:   America   0-3

B.  Monarcas Morelia vs. Santos – Liga MX

The 2018-19 season is just getting underway.  Santos finished 4th in least year’s Clausura (second half-season and then won that Liguilla (postseason).  Morelia finished in 8th, the only team to make the postseason with a negative goal differential.  Watch this one to see if Santos is still scoring like it’s pinball.   (8:00 PM EST, ESPN Deportes)

RESULT:   Morelia   3-1

Image result for letter B crown

 

 

Number B – looking royal and ready to root for Morelia

  1. Etoile du Sahel vs. Mbabane Swallows – CAF Champions League

They’re halfway through the Group Stage in Africa’s top league tournament.  Remaining are four pods of four playing double round robins.  The top two in each will advance to the Knockout Round.

Tunisia’s Etoile du Sahel are unsurprisingly the leading their Group.  Mbabane from Swaziland are not expected to advance – or weren’t!  They’re #B in that table.  du Sahel won the first matchup between these two 0-3.  Little reason to believe the runner-up in the second-best league in Africa won’t crush again today.

Fun Fact:   One of du Sahel’s nicknames is Jawharat Sahel, which translates to “Jewel Coast:.

RESULT:   EdS   2-0

  1. Lokomotiv Moscow vs. CSKA Moscow – Russia Super Cup

This is a standard Super Cup, two top teams facing off in a glorified friendly as a lead-in to the league season.  What isn’t standard is who is playing and why.

Most often, these events pit the reigning league champs against the defending FA Cup winners.  Last year, the latter was a club named FC Tosno.  But they went belly-up, despite their success.  And Premier League runners-up CSKA fill the slot.   This is being played in Moscow, though not at the home pitch of either club.

RESULT:   CSKA   0-1   AET

Image result for belly-up funny

 

 

 

One of these adorable kitties could be named Tosno.

  1. Temperley vs. Estudiantes Caseros – Argentina FA Cup

This Knockout tournament is in its Round of 64.  Temperely were demoted to the second division after last season.  Estudiantes Caseros play in one of the two third-tier leagues.  They were the runners-up least season.  The winner will play third-division Deportivo Maipu next Round.  A Caseros upset would guarantee a Minnow in the Round of 16.  Muy bueno.

On a side note, why do both my MS Word and iPhone autocorrect voice feature try to capitalize “bueno”.  Is it now common to think that things in Spanish can only be a little better than just regular-good?  Inquiring Noobites should want to know.   (4:10 PM, TyC International)

Fun Fact:  Caseros is a town in the province of Buenos Aires, which is why the club is just as commonly cited as “Estudiantes Buenos Aires” or just “Esudiantes (BA)”.

RESULT:   Temperley   1-0

  1. Atletico Pantoja vs. Moca – Dominican Republic Liga Mayor

CONCACAF me!  Noob loves to get to know our continental/regional neighbors on Fridays.

These are the 3rd and 5th-place teams in the D.R.’s top league.  The top four will have a Championship Playoff at regular season’s end.  All the top teams here play about the same level of defense.    Pantoja has the superior offense, if not by leaps and bounds.  At home, one would think this is enough.  If Moca can pull the upset, they will climb into a 4th-place tie.

RESULT:   Pantoja   1-0

Image result for pantoja neighborhood dominican republic

 

 

 

Peace Corps party in Pantajo – a neighborhood in Santo Domingo.

  1. Mlada Boleslav vs. Sigma Olomouc – Czech First League

Would it surprise you to know this is a top-15 league in Europe?

M.B. were 9th last year.  Olomouc finished in fourth, qualifying for the current Europa League.  They’re about to get to play, entering in at the Third Qualifying Round.  They don’t play nearly the offense that other top Czech clubs do, so Noob thinks the hosts have aa coin flip-chance today.

Fun Fact:  Mlada Boleslav was called Bumsla at one time by the Jews, for whom this city had become an important center.

RESULT:   Olomouc   0-4

  1. KI vs. Skala – Faroe Islands Meistardeildin

Would it surprise you to learn this league is rated #9 in all Europe?   It should.  They’re ninth from the bottom.  Hey, teeny tiny country.   And they’re playing.

Only the winner will get into Champions League, of course.  The next two will both make Europa League.  KI are #B in the table, five points out of first.  Skala is in 6th, the best of the bottom half.  There’s a massive gulf between the two halves, too, to this match may not be close.

RESULT:   KI   3-1

Image result for Klaksvíkar Ítróttarfelag 2018

 

 

Klaksvíkar Ítróttarfelag

Noob’ll just stick with “KI”.

  1. Al Merreikh vs. Hay Al Arab – Sudan Premier

This was a two-horse league last year, and Al Merrikh missed wining the title by a nose.  Still, that’s good enough in Africa’s 7th-best league to make the CAF Champions League.  But they got knockout out of that before the Group Stage.

If Hay Al Arab – last year’s 11th-place club – pull an upset, it will be with a very low score.  All last season, they did nothing but take the air out of the ball.

Fun Fact:  Al Merreikh was formed by students at former Gordon Memorial College, now part of U. of Khartoum.

RESULT:   Al Merreikh   2-1

  1. Dwangwa United vs. Civil Sporting – Malawi Super League

This league is not ranked in Africa’s top 25.  Perfect for Friday excursion!  Dwangwa are in 14th, just one spot above the Relegation line.  Noob couldn’t even quickly find the name of Malawi’s second division-league.  It is unworthy and perhaps not spoken of.  Civil are in 4th place, eight points out of 1st (Big Bullets).

This may end up a high-affair.  Neither team stops anyone.

RESULT:   Dwangwa   1-0

Image result for nkhotakota wildlife reserve

 

 

So long from Nkhotakota Wildlife Reserve (near Dwangwa Utd’s home town)!

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Tuesday (5/8) – US Open Cup leading the way

Wednesday in particular is going to be SO chock full of exceptional matches that Noob is expanding the usual three-day, one-post Midweek Edition into three full days!

I’ll wait for the applause to die down.

OK, splendid.  Onward and upward to the ten most important matches for us, the newish Americans fans of the global game – to follow!

  1. Portland Timbers U23 vs. Kitsap Pumas – U.S. Open Cup

It’s not so much that this one particular match is “important”, but Noob felt it was past time to post that the event had started.  And it’s the only match from the event today.

This is America’s FA Cup.  Competing are the 20 US-based MLS clubs, 22 of the second-division USL teams.  Also in – through qualification rounds – are 41 teams from the unofficial fourth tier (there is no “third tier”) NPSL and PDL and 13 from local amateur leagues.

Kitsap (Bremerton, WA) are here from the Northwest Conference of the NPDL, winners of the playoffs there.  Portland’s most seasoned youth squad won the Northwest Division playoffs in the PDL to get in.  This is the First Round.  The winner will take on Reno 1868 out of the USL.

Noobstradamus Sees:  Nothing.  I have a policy of not prognosticating when kiddins are involved.

RESULT:   PTU23   5-0

Image result for kids gambling funny

 

 

 

 

Only madness can ensue from such.

B.  Swansea City vs. Southampton – English Premier

Probably about a quarter billion pounds on the line.  Two matches to go, and these two are tied in the table for 17th.  Southampton lead on GD.  Bottom three of the 20 clubs get Relegated to the second tier Championship League next season, so they’re straddling that line.

Swansea haven’t won a match since early March.  Southampton actually have a win and a draw in their last two games.   (2:45 PM Eastern, NBCSN)

Noobstradamus Sees:   1-1.  More tension!

RESULT:   Southampton   0-1   And with that, West Brom are now Relegated along with Stoke City.  One more to be determined.

Image result for letter B gif

 

 

Number B, adding to the tension and high drama.

  1. Les Herbiers vs. Paris Saint-Germain – Coupe de France

Minnow madness!   Les Herbiers are from the third tier of French football.  And they’re on the edge of being Relegated down another level this season.  Yet here they are!   Technically, this is at a neutral site, but only in that it is not on PSG’s home pitch.  But it is in Paris.   (3:05 PM, beIN Sports)

Noobstradus Sees:   I’m not telling!  Because I want to be wrong.  PSG are tops in all France.

RESULT:   PSG   0-2

  1. Aberdeen vs. Rangers – Scottish Premier

Two matches to go, and these two are #B and #3, separated in the table by just a point.  Hibernian lurk just two more points back, looking to steal one of their Europa League bids should either falter.

Noobstradamus Sees:   Aberdeen 2-0        Rangers are going to be a mess, as their going through a late-season managerial change.

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for aragorn fallen off cliff

 

Falling off a cliff will mess up a Ranger as well.

  1. Buriram United vs. Jeonbuk – AFC Champions League

It’s the Round of 16, first leg.  These two are entrants from the #9 and #4 leagues in Asia.  Noob’s doubtful either can reach beyond the next round, so let’s pay them attention while we can.

Noobstradamus Sees:   Jeonbuk 1-2     The top leagues in Asia are simply much better.

RESULT:   Buriram   3-2

  1. Al-Ain vs. Al-Duhail – AFC Champions League

Your undercard today from this tournament is a tough one to handicap.  Al-Ain – from UAE – only snuck in because the qualifying 3rd-place team from the top league there last year merged with a different club.  They have to exist as they are for three years to be eligible.

Duhail are here by virtue of winning last year’s top league in Qatar.

Noobstradamus Sees:   The crystal ball is cloudy.  Either there’s not enough of a sample size with Al-Ain to know how good they might be, or I need to find some Windex.

RESULT:   Duhail   2-4

Image result for bad merger funny

 

 

Crazy-bad merger idea

  1. Debrecen vs. Puskas FK Academy – Hungary FA Cup

These two mid-table teams from Hungary’s top division are facing off in a Semifinal.  Puskas took the first leg 4-0.

Noobstradamus Sees:   Puskas 1-3     Until their last match, they’d been in a seven-match unbeaten streak.  Debrecen have been going the opposite way.

RESULT:   Debrecen   2-0    But Puskas advance on aggregate, 4-2.

  1. Cobh Ramblers vs. Longford Town – League of Ireland Cup

This is not the country’s FA Cup.  Rather, mostly only teams from the top two divisions complete.  They invite a few lower division and even junior teams sometimes to round things out.  This is a Quarterfinal, featuring two second-tier sides.  They are #8 and #6 in their league, respectively.

Noobstradamus Sees:  Longford  0-1!   Apparently Rambling doesn’t involve scoring much, but Cobh hasn’t much all season.

RESULT:   Cobh   2-0

Image result for rambling bad funny

 

 

 

[insert self-deprecating joke about Noob’s own rambling HERE]

  1. Atletico MG vs. San Lorenzo – Copa Sudamericana

It seems odd to Noob these two would be meeting in the First Stage.  These are the top two entrants from South America’s top two countries, Brazil and Argentina.   Maybe it’s a completely random draw.  Weirdness.  Also, it’s the only one of the three matches from this event today not televised on a network one might get here in America.  More weirdness.

Aaaanywho, this is South America’s equivalent of Europa League.  San Lorenzo won the first leg 1-0.

Noobstradamus Sees:  …this very even matchup ending as it should.  Atletico 1-0. then winning it in PK’s.

RESULT:   0-0    San Lorenzo advances on aggregate, 1-0.

  1. Al Quwa Al Jawiya vs. Al Ahed – AFC Cup

This isn’t really analogous to Europa League, other than that this is a secondary tournament to the AFC Champions League.  Top teams from leagues in what their confederation has deemed “developing soccer countries” play in this one.

AQAJ – out of the Iraqi Premier – have won the last two years.   They are also the defending champions of AFC’s #11 league.  Ahed are undefeated this year in the Lebanese Premier (league #21).

Noobstradamus Sees:  Nothin’.  Qawa Jawiya are messing with the Scrabble-part of my prognosticating brain.

RESULT:   AQAJ   3-1

Image result for iraq goodbye funny

 

 

 

So long from Iraq, Noobites!

10 to Track soccer matches for midweek – Champions League, plus name-calling Noob learned from a M*A*S*H legend

Let your gaze linger below, as long as you like.  The ten most important matches for the newish American soccer fan to follow don’t mind a bit.  In fact, they’ve gotten dolled up just for you.

Noob’s back to a three-day midweek format, despite there being so many great matches.  Two days, really.  Take Thursday to do a deeper dive into any of the many Europa League matches, should a Noobite’s heart desire.

Tuesday, 3/6

1.  Liverpool vs. Porto – UEFA Champions League

Round of 16, Leg Two.  Liverpool won the first leg 0-5, so Tracking this will simply be watching a Quarterfinal coronation.

RESULT:   0-0     Liverpool advances

Image result for crown soccer

 

 

Interwebs, you creep Noob out.

B.  PSG vs. Real Madrid – UEFA Champions League

PSG at home are no better than an even match for Real. That’s bad.  They lost the first leg 1-3.

RESULT:   1-2   Real        The reigning champs move on

Image result for number 2 crown

 

Old Number 2, trying to look cool and be seen with  sympathetic children.

Sorry, but it is Number B’s time.

3.  Tijuana vs. NY Red Bulls – CONCACAF Champions League

Tijuana had a tough Apertura (first half-season) in Liga MX, but have ratcheted up their defense here in the Clausura.  RB will be lucky to only leave Mexico down a goal in this Quarterfinal’s first leg.  MLS teams just aren’t in form yet.

RESULT:   NYRB   0-2   Goalkeeper Robles makes about 40.000 saves and the Red Bulls STUN!

4.  CF America vs. Tauro – CONCACAF Champions League

The Panamanians will have it much tougher, as they visit a real Mexican powerhouse club.

RESULT:   CFA   4-0

5.  Shrewsbury vs. Yeovil – EFL Trophy

Reminder:  This is not the FA Cup, nor even the EFL Cup.   This one only involves the third and fourth-tier leagues (plus some higher leagues’ academy clubs).

Two Noob-Adopted teams. The joy!  But the horror!!  Semifinal.  Shrewsbury is in League One, having a brilliant season.  Yeovil will have a tough time on the road, can concentrate in trying to stay above the Relelgation line in League Two should they lose.

RESULT:   Shrewsbury   1-0

Image result for death of harry hotspur

 

Being the death-site of the traitorous Harry “Hotspur” Percty forever makes  Shrewsbury hallowed ground.

 

Wednesday, 3/7

The Algarve Cup final matches are today as well.  Ranked out of the Groups Stage, 1st plays #B, 3rd plays 4th, etc.  Title match is Netherlands vs. Sweden

  1. Tottenham Sir Topham Hatt Hotspur vs. Juventus – UEFA Champions League

Speak of the devil.  Grumblekins!  Hotspur earned a draw at Juve in the first leg, now have the advantage on their own pitch.

Look, their namesake switched sides so often, Noob hurls his favorite insult at Harry “Hotspur” Percy and each club supporter:  cretinous yahoo!   Give no quarter, Juventus!

RESULT:   1-2   Juve      Oh happy day!   Juventus score two in the second half to advance 3-4 on aggregate.  

Image result for david ogden stiers cretinous yahoo mash

 

R.I.P., David Ogden Stiers.  As Winchester on M*A*S*H, you gave me my favorite insult for someone.

  1. Manchester City vs. Basel – UEFA Champions League

Noob has made mention on many occasions that Switzerland seems to be something of a rising power on the international stage.  Well, their stage show was Spiderman: Turn Off the Dark-level flop in the first leg.  Man City pummeled them in their own place, 0-4.  Since they’ve already all but won the Premier League, they could go all out and disgrace Basel for sheer entertainment value.

RESULT:   1-2   Basel     The Swiss save some face.  Man City advances.

  1. Toronto FC vs. Tigres – CONCACAF Champions League

This is a Quarterfinal, but is the matchup one many would’ve preferred for the Final.  Toronto is just starting defense of their MLS crown.  Tigres won the postseason Liga MX Apertura Liguilla.

It may get the most attention of any match in this event this year, but Tigres should dominate both games in the two-legged tie (two-game series).

RESULT:   Toronto   2-1     Well Noob’ll be darned!   TFC goal in 88′ nets them the victory.

Image result for tiger carnage

 

Dizzam, Seattle!  Hope you stretched.

  1. Seattle Sounders vs. Guadalajara – CONCACAF Champions League

Based on past performance, Guadalajara should be an even match on the road for last year’s MLS runner-up.  But they were not good in their league Apertura, and have been flat-out awful in the Clausura now.  Seattle may have a real chance.

Still, Noob thinks anything less than a 2-0 win and Sounders will still be in trouble.

RESULT:   Seattle   1-0

  1. U.S.A. vs. England – SheBelieves Cup

This is an invitational tournament, hosted by the US and competed in by three other top-tier women’s national teams.  The four sides each play each other once over a week to determine the winner.

The Americans and English are FIFA-ranked #1 and #3 in the world, and they’re tied on points heading into this final match.  But all England must do to win the trophy is earn a draw, as they’re ahead on the goal differential-tiebreaker.

RESULT:   USA   1-0

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SheBelieves her space bar was working.

SheWas mistaken.

’10 to Track’ soccer matches midweek edition: UEFA Champions League returns!

Relegation Monday saw an astounding three upsets from yesterday’s feature matches.  And now we get to huddle around the life-giving light that is UEFA Champions League.

Rejoice, give thanks… and watch out for the armed Lapalandic culinary madman at post’s end…

Tuesday, 2/13

  1. Juventus vs. Tottenham Sir Topham Hatt Hotspur – UEFA Champions League

The Knockout Round begins!  We’re down to 16 teams.  The eight Group Stage winners will each face off against a randomly-drawn second place-finishesr.  Each pair will play a two-legged tie (two-match series, home and away) to determine who advances.

Hotspur carry the slightly-lesser international rating, but have been on fire in arguably the world’s toughest league. They also didn’t lose any Group Stage matches.

Juve recently took over first place in Italy’s Serie A.  Noob’s calling this one for the home team, and hopes it’s not his anti-Hotspur bias clouding his senses.

RESULT:   2-2      Reviled Hotspur actually dominated this game, but fell behind 0-2 early.

B.  Basel vs. Manchester City – UEFA Champions League

During the Group Stage and other international events, Noob sang the praises of the surprising Swiss.  But this is Man City, top of the English Premier heap.  Basel would do well to keep within a goal, even at home.

RESULT:   Man City   0-4

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Number B sings, too.  

Even if she’s lyrically-challenged.

 

  1. CF América vs. Morelia – Liga MX

The hosts are #B in the league, one of two clubs to have not yet lost early here in the Clausura (second half-season).  They sport the best defense this go-round.  Morelia are not far behind, in 5th.

And the “Monarchs” will lose, MUST lose.   No kings and queens in North America!  Noob’s quest to tear down all monarch-named teams is right up there with the same for Hotspur and the quest for the world to accept Number B in all lists and rankings.

RESULT:   America   3-1

Honorable mention:   Crvena Zvezda/CSKA Moscow (Europa League), any AFC Champions League or Copa Sudamericana match, Santiago Wanderers/Santa Fe (Copa Libertadores qualification)

Wednesday, 2/14

  1. Real Madrid vs. Paris Saint-Germain – UEFA Champions League

Real Madrid are the defending champions, but only finished #B in their Group.  This matches up with them having slipped to 4th place in La Liga.

Meanwhile, PSG won their Group and has run away with the French top league title.  They’ve been a goal-scoring beast, and Noobstradamus is making this is Prognostication O’ the Week.  Real’s struggles continue with a home embarrassment – PSG:  0-2.

RESULT:   Real   3-1      PSG scored first, but that woke Real up, apparently

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As embarrassing as my choice in head gear and my Forrest Whitaker-eye

  1. Porto vs. Liverpool – UEFA Champions League

Unlike the aforementioned Swiss, Portuguese teams have by and large failed to impress Noob on the world stage in recent months.  On paper, at home, they’re an even match for Liverpool.   Noob thinks this match will mirror the one above though.

RESULT:   Liverpool   0-5      FC Porto-potty.  Wow.

  1. Santos vs. León – Liga MX

Noob’s leaning toward León of late, for having signed American legend Landon Donovan midyear.  But apparently the move isn’t helping much on defense.  They may be in 6th, but teams are putting up pinball-numbers on them.  Santos is in 4th, and should hold serve at home.

RESULT:   Santos   5-1

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Es ella la domadora de leones?

  1. Independiente vs. Grêmio – Recopa Sudamericana

Wait, Noober – we know about Copa Sudamericana, but what in tarnation is this?

A fair question.  But don’t you think “Noober” is a little informal?  I am Noob!

The Management:   To whom are you even “talking”?

Write checks and stay quiet.  I’m the talent here.

The Management:  Using that term a little loosely, aren’t you, Noobstra-dumbass?

That hurts me to my core.   Hush now.

Anyway!   Last year’s Copa Libertadores and Copa Sudamericana champions play a two-legged tie for a trophy.  Why?   Because they’re shiny, and soccer players are like squirrels.  *nod*  The Argentinian side hosts Leg One.

RESULT:   1-1

  1. Kashima Antlers vs. Shanghai Shenhua – AFC Champions League

Asian teams are playing their first games of the Group Stage in their C.L.

Kashima are the two-time defending J1 League champions.  Shenhua qualified by virtue of winning China’s FA Cup.  They really overachieved in that, given that they only managed to finish 11th of 16 teams in the Super League.  The Antlers are about to mess up their s—stuff.

RESULT:   1-1

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NO clue.

But now MY stuff is certainly messed up.

  1. Shkëndia vs. Vardar Skopje – Macedonia First Football League

UEFA only rates this league #37 of 55 leagues on the continent.  So why bother?  It’s #1 versus #B!   Noob endeavors to never ignore such.  And though we be Noob and Noobite, we will broaden our footyball horizons even as we learn about the biggest and closest-to-home leagues.

These two have scored more than any other four teams in this league.  And the hosts are responsible for far more than their fair share of that.  Still, they only lead Vardar by six points in the table, with over 1/3 of the season to go.  And the visitors have the best defense, if not by leaps and bounds.

RESULT:   1-1

Honorable Mention:    Either of the two Copa Libertadores qualification matches today

Thursday, 2/15

  1. Östersunds vs. Arsenal – Europa League

Europe’s second-most prestigious international tournament enters its Round of 32 now.  The eight third-place Group Stage clubs from Champions League get booted down to join the two dozen 1st and Bth (second, if you must) -place finishers in the Knockout Round.

Swedish Ostersunds qualified by winning their FA Cup, just as Arsenal did.  English football is a weeee bit tougher.  Arsenal 1-3 seems proper, unless they don’t go full-bore here, try saving their energies for Premier League.

RESULT:   Arsenal   0-3

Dan the Intern-o Inferno and resident Swede-ophile, when asked for comment on this match, said he fervently hopes chicken boom boom will be available at the concessions.

Honorable Mention:   Any of the 14 other Europa League matches, Copa Libertadores qualification and Copa Sudamericana matches, Esperance/Etoile du Sahel (Tunisia)

Midweek ’10 to Track’ – three days of perfectly-mixed league and Cup matches

What is T2T?  The ten goldarn best, most important matches to follow for us, the newish American soccer fans.   And let more-seasoned fans fear us, Noobites!   We’ll end up more knowledgeable than they.  Muahaha.

Relegation Monday was a sweet success, as we witnessed two mighty league upsets.  But now Noob returns us to our regularly scheduled, traditionally-“important” games for Tue-Thurs.

Tuesday, 12/19

  1. Leicester City vs. Manchester City – EFL Cup

So many Cups!   Fear not, Noobites.  This is a safe place.   EFL Cup is one vied for by just the top four tiers in the English football pyramid. It is also often referred to by its sponsor name, “The Carabao Cup”.  Easy peasy.

This year’s is now in the Quarterfinals.   Leicester’s been making moves up the Premier League table in recent weeks, but no one’s been a match for Man City all year.  If L.C. hopes to catch they’re guests napping, they’ll still need to shore up their very dodgy defense.

RESULT:   Man City   1-1  /  3-4 pk

B.  Carlisle United vs. Gillingham – English FA Cup

The FA Cup is the most popular one.  Teams all the way down to the 20th level have been competing.  This one’s in its Second Round Proper (Proper referring to the stage when Premier League teams start playing this even).

This is a Replay.  These two faced off about a week ago and had a 1-1 draw at tier-three Gillingham.  Rather than settle it with penalty kicks, they play again.  But this time, it’s at the tier-four side’s place.   Either way, we’re treated to a Minnow (over-achieving lower-tiered team) in the next Round.

RESULT:    Carlisle   3-1       The tier-four side is through to the Round of 64!

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Those bend-y lights and giant soccer ball are pretty humorous.

  1. Paderborn vs. Ingolstadt – DFB Pokal (German FA Cup)

Round of 16 time.  3. Bundesliga (third tier) Paderborn is your Minnow, facing a top-flight team.

Paderborn have been as high as 2. Bundesliga as recently as two seasons ago.  They would’ve been Relegated last season into the tier-four Regional Leagues, but a team from 2. Bundesliga was sent down two levels instead.  Probably for naughtiness.

RESULT:   Paderborn   1-0      Minnow success!   

Wednesday, 12/20

  1. Bristol Rovers vs. Manchester United – EFL Cup

Bristol is the only non-Premier League team left alive here in the Quarterfinals.  They’re’ in 3rd place in the ECL (English second tier), but facing a Man club is another universe.

RESULT:   Bristol 2-1      Upset!  The Championship League team is through!

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Wouldn’t you love to see someone try diving into that and finding a stud?

  1. AS Monaco vs. Rennes – Ligue 1

2nd place hosts 7th here.  This one is closer-looking in the table than it will be on the field.  Rennes is having a .500 year.  Monaco is tied for 2nd with Lyon, but nine points in back of Paris-Saint-Germain.  If they dream of a title push, they know they must lock down home games like these.

RESULT:   Monaco   2-1

  1. AS Roma vs. Torino – Coppa Italia (FA Cup)

Italy doesn’t appear to do a random draw for who hosts during the bracketed portion of its FA Cup.  They’re down to 16 teams, and the eight good Serie A teams all get to host these elimination matches.

This game match has at least a fair chance of us seeing an upset.  Torino is in 10th in league play, Roma in 4th.  Roma have given up the fewest goals in league, just ten in 16 games.

RESULT:   Torino   1-2      Best chance realized – upset!

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Utter fear, mild surprise, and– whatever that is…

Torino football fever!

  1. Anorthosis vs. APOEL Nicosia – Cyprus First Division

APOEL is a name tenured Noobites may recognize.   They competed in the Champions League Group Stage.  They didn’t advance, but weren’t expected to.   If they want to make it again next year, they have some work to do, being in 4th place currently.   But they’ve played fewer league games because of their international play, so even travelling to #1 and undefeated Anorthosis isn’t too bleak a prospect.

RESULT:   APOEL   0-3

  1. Union Española vs. Universidad de Concepcion – Chile Premier

The Chilean format is a little blurry for Noob, but we can get this down to brass tacks.   This is the second match of a Runners-Up Playoff for a spot in next year’s Copa Libertadores.   Concepcion had the best second half record of all teams not already qualified for CL next year.   Española had the second-best record for the overall season (and perhaps second-best in the Apertura/first half-season).

It’s two pretty good teams that didn’t quite qualify in other ways for C.L.   There!   Much easier.  Concepcion won the first match of this two-legged tie 1-0.

RESULT:   Concepcion   1-2      And they win on aggregate 3-1, on to next year’s Copa Libertadores!

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Thursday, 12/21

  1. Monterrey vs. Pachuca – Apertura 2017 Copa MX

If this event seems familiar, it may be because it started all the way back in July.  The big earthquake derailed football there for a time.

Mexico is a country that basically plays two FA Cups per season.  Each only involves teams from the top two leagues.

This is a one-off match for the Apertura (first half-season) Copa title, and fittingly between the top league #1 and #2 sides.   Monterrey’s been dominant in league, but Pachuca has been demolishing opponents in this tournament.  Can they go into the lion’s den and rip away the trophy?

RESULT:   Monterrey   1-0      The favorites have done it – Apertura Copa MX chamPEEEEEENS!

  1. Gent vs. Sporting Charleroi – Belgium First Division A

This league likely only gets two berths in next year’s Champions League.  The top six teams here make the league playoffs.

Gent have an excellent goal differential, but apparently have been winning big but losing close, as they’re just in 5th place.   Charleroi won’t catch Club Brugge for the #1 seed, but a big road win would gain them a firmer grip on the #2.

RESULT:   Gent   1-0       Gent move up to 4th place.

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Step 1.)  Do steps 2-4 for a LONG time BEFORE picking up a baby.