Tag: Roma

Knapford Town FC’s teen midfielder discovers grandma might as well be on Craigslist

February 15, 2019 – Vicarstown, Sodor

Image result for Nicolo Zaniolo score Champions League Porto“With the Nicolo Zaniolo mom- Instagram story coming out, it would only be a matter of time before Gerry Barstok’s did.  We’re getting out ahead of it.” — Isle of Sodor FA President Abban Clague

AS Roma’s teen star Zaniolo just scored both UEFA Champions League goals in a 2-1 win over FC Porto.   But what should be a fabulous week has turned nightmarish as he’d had to confront his mother over her too-sexy Instagram posting.

[Click HERE for the full story from The Mirror (UK).]

Ahead of this week’s Yards-Sheds classic between Knapford Town and Junction & Sheds FC, young Gerry Barstok has it even worse.   It’s come to light that the “baddest grandma on the interwebs” is none other than Knapford Town midfielder Gerry’s own Nanna.

Image result for bad grandma instagram Image result for bad grandma instagram Image result for bad grandma instagram

 

 

 

More from FA Prez Clague:   “Poor Gerry.  This just…isn’t right.   The FA will reign down hellfire on Junction & Sheds FC if it’s discovered their people had anything do do with outing this wannabe-burlesque’s true identity.”

“The shame Gerry must be feeling over this harlot’s brazenness must be overwhelming.  We hope he will still be able to play, despite the weight of this strumpet’s embarrassment on his shoulders.  To Gerry – sorry your Nanna’s a streetwalker.”

When told of the President’s words – in front of all his teammates and coaches – Gerry replied, “What the actual f—?!”    One of Gerry’s teammates clapped a hand over his mouth before he made the situation of his grandmother being an AIDSy hussy even worse.

Related image

 

Gerry Barstok – hitting the field early for practice after a tough start to the day.

What a guy.  Your future’s bright!

’10 to Track’ Midweek Edition soccer matches – Liga MX’s, UEFA women’s Champions League

And so with Thursday’s mini-previews now UP, our Midweek Edition is complete.

Check back for results.  Follow Noob on Twitter as SoccerNoobUSA.   And remember that as weird as this can all get, there’s actual info in here.  Who’da thunk, amirite?

Thursday

  1. Veracruz vs. Toluca – Liga MX

With the International Break over, Liga MX returns with a lone match tonight.

It’s not the smexiest of matchups, truth be told.  Veracruz is near the league bottom, sporting easily the league’s worst defense.

Toluca, at least, could be liguilla (playoffs)-bound.  They’re tied for 7th, and eight teams will qualify.  Defense hasn’t been a virtue across the table this Apertura (half-season) for the most part.   If they or any team can shore theirs up even a little, that will be the difference-maker.

RESULT:     This game got mixed up with a Copa MX match, will be played tomorrow.

Image result for Veracruz funny

 

Noob’s Spanish is rusty.

Can they not defend since they’re so close to the sun?

  1. Queretaro vs. Guadalajara – Liga MX Femenil

Queretaro keeps on popping up in these matches for the Track.   They’re only 5th in their Group, not themselves on Noob’s radar.  Must be in a tough stretch of matches.

Here they get #B Guadalajara.  Top pair in each of the two Groups makes the playoffs, and no one is likely to challenge them.  Even on the road, this will be a two-goal margin in their favor.

RESULT:   0-0

  1. Atletico Madrid vs. Manchester City – UEFA women’s Champions League

So Noob’s done a modicum of Google-machining since yesterday.  Now I at least know which eight women’s leagues are rated best in Europe, if not the order.   Spain’s is not among them, England’s is.

And since the women’s game seems to be short on parity, that means this Round of 32 match should easily go women-Man City’s way, even in Madrid.

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for weird sites madrid

 

So long from El Rastro, Madrid!

Remember:  Not every Spanish fleamarket vendor offers equal goods…

 

Wednesday

  1. D.C. United vs. Minnesota United – Major League Soccer

This is the only MLS match today, yet it would likely make the Track even were it a tree in a footyball forest.

It’s no accident D.C. keeps making airwaves the last few weeks or keeps getting featured by Noob.   Huge win streak after spending over half the season in the basement.  Wayne Rooney signing.  And they’re finally performing against playoff-caliber teams — a win and a draw in their last two.

Now they get a comparative break and we get to see if D.C. can continue to need to be so “up” for every match this late in the season.  They’re in 8th, still five points out of the sixth and final Eastern Conference postseason slot.

Minnesota gave up their season long since.  They’ve lost four of five, haven’t won a match in three weeks.  9th in the West, double-digit points out of the playoff picture.

You’d likely have to catch tonight’s match online (7:30 PM EST, ESPN+), but the man to ogle besides Rooney is Luciano Acosta.  Having Rooney out there has really opening things up for him offensively.   He will be in space all evening.

RESULT:   DC   2-1      Acosta with an assist and was the statistical man of the match.

So D.C. rises to 7th place, just one spot away from the postseason.  And they’ve played one less match than #6 Montreal.

  1. Martinque vs. British Virgin Islands – CONCACAF Nations League qualification

Without having officially read such, this match’s postponement today must, of course, be due to the hurricane.

Rather than insert a replacement match, Noob offers thoughts and prayers here for those there and throughout the entire effected region.

Image result for Scorpions rock you like a hurricane funny

 

 

No insensitivity intended. 

It would be so much nicer to swap out Scorpions for the weather disaster.

  1. Juventus vs. Brondby – UEFA women’s Champions League

Noob’s tardy in getting today’s matches up (darn workplace sched!), so am picking this match for Tracking out of many simply because it’s halftime as I write this.  (Juve lead 1-0.)  All other matches in this tournament today are further along or already completed.

This is the first match of a two-legged tie in the Round of 32.   Juventus is just now entering the event, champions of Italy’s top league.  Brondby enter now as well, runners-up in Denmark.

Noob’s not much sure how to handicap these matches.  As noob as I am with soccer in general, I am particularly so with the international women’s match.  But it’s part of why we’re all here – learningness!

RESULT:   2-2

Tuesday

  1. U.S.A. vs. Mexico – international friendly

Anything but friendly.  Players who have had choices between playing for either national team have gone the way of Mexico.  And not that they can be blamed, since they’re the strongest team in CONCACAF and therefore were the most likely to reach World Cup.

Both teams will feature very young sides today, though especially the Americans.  They’re both coming off decisive losses in their most recent friendlies.   Mexico got walloped by Uruguay 1-4, while the USMNT went down 0-2 to Brazil.  Those are top-five world teams.

Even with the U.S. team, Noob is still climbing the learning curve.   I’ve been reading that midfielder Weston McKinnie is a big reason German Bundesliga’s club Schalke 04 finished runners-up last season.   Noob will be listening for his name tonight.

Mexico has an 18-year old named Diego Lainez who Roma tried to buy this summer.   His club – CF America- probably won’t be able to hold him back from Europe past this season.   (8:30 PM EST, ESPN)

On a side note:  Tonight’s match is in Nashville.   “Music City”, they claim.  Noob is down with some alt-country, some older (pre-1990) country, and current “outlaw country”.   But the country-politan crap they’ve been producing in Nashville for a quarter century sucks out loud.

There’s a reason modern pop country is the only music America makes but we can’t export to any real degree.  It sucks out loud, gags on what it takes in, then gags again when it projectile-vomits.  Music City Noob’s ass.

Noob would choose Bakersfield, CA first, if given the choice between just those two.  Austin, TX should lasso the moniker.

RESULT:   USA   1-0        Full disclosure:  Right until they lost a player to a straight red card in the second half, Mexico dominated this match.   

Image result for dwight yoakam Jason Statham

 

Dwight Yoakam – Bakersfield Country.  Check.

Acted with Jason Statham in “Crank”.  Check.  

B.  Spain vs. Croatia – UEFA Nations League

Please scroll down to last week’s Midweek Edition if you are in need of Noob-level detail for this tournament.

FIFA-#9 Spain are hosting this at a second-tier club stadium in Elche, Valencia.  How cool would it be if they were to have this in Madrid? Croatia’s star is midfielder Luka Modric, who plays for Real Madrid.  His national team has climbed all the way to #4 in the worldwide rankings on the heels of their World Cup finals appearance.

Spain won their first and only match in this event so far over England, 2-1.  This is the first one for Croatia.   (2:45 PM, ESPN2)

RESULT:   Spain   6-0        Eep!   Six different players scored.

Image result for croatia letter B

 

Number B, you bandwagon jumper!

Hanging out in Croatia’s Glagolitic script.

  1. Guadalajara vs. Tigres UANL – Liga MX Femenil

#B hosts #1 in Group 2 (of two) in Mexico’s top women’s league.   They lead the pack by quite a bit, so this match may be the determining factor in who takes the group title, gets the better seed in the playoffs.

Noob has become more and more disenchanted with “small-ball” as a winning style of play.  So far, it’s how Guadalajara have stayed up in the table.  But it tends to fail against truly great teams.  Both here are undefeated, but Noob thinks Tigres will get the road upset today.  They play little defense, but score like a house afire.

RESULT:   Tigres   1-3

  1. Saint Martin vs. Guadeloupe – CONCACAF Nations League qualification

Again, please scroll down to the last Midweek Edition for event details.

Couple of French teams in our region do battle today!  Guadeloupe is in the top third of CONCACAF strength-wise.  Not bad, considering they aren’t FIFA members.  Saint Martin are one of the weakest, this match will not be close.  Guadeloupe will look to ruin up the score, since GD is very much likely to matter.  All the teams in this event are in one giant aggregate table.  First match of the event for both.

RESULT:   Guadeloupe   0-3

Image result for weakness funny

 

 

Saint Martin:  *sigh*   “The footsballs. “

 

’10 to Track’ soccer matches Midweek Edition (5/22-24) – adding more each day

Noob’s gonna roll out the ten most important matches for us – the newish American fans of the global game – to follow day by day this Midweek.  Teasing, then pleasing.  Or something.   (now complete)

Tuesday, 5/22

  1. LAFC vs. Borussia Dortmund – international friendly

With the league season wrapped up for many of the European clubs, now they can tour around!   This is an especially fun one because American superstar Christian Pulisic plays for the German side.

If both teams are trying their hardest, playing starters, it’s hard not to see LAFC as a two-goal underdog.  Noob’s heard it said that the difference between a top league like Germany’s Bundesliga and MLS is akin to Major League Baseball vs. low class-A minor league stuff.   (10:00 PM Eastern, FS1)

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for angry Mr. Shucks

 

 

Mr. Shucks (in beach night promotional attire) of low class-A Midwest League’s Cedar Rapids (IA) Kernels seems offended.

Actually, it’s hard to tell…

B.  Horoya vs. Mamelodi Sundowns – CAF Champions League

In Africa’s Champions League, he 16 remaining teams have been divided into pods of four.  Top two finishers advance to the Knockout stage.

This is just the second of the six matches for these two.  Horoya hail from Guinea, the 18th-ranked league in Africa.  Mamelodi are the powerhouse team from South Africa, the 5th-ranked league.  This is two matches in a row where the home side should be valued at -2 goals, INHO.

RESULT:   2-2

Image result for Guinea letter B

 

 

Number B as guinea pig food.

 

 

Wednesday, 5/23

  1. NTX Rayados vs. FC Wichita – U.S. Open Cup

Third Round of America’s FA Cup!  Last Round, the tier-two (USL) teams entered the competition.  One more, and the big boys (MLS) join the fray.  There are lots of matches this week, but Noob is featuring this one because it’s fun to follow the lower-rung clubs and this match features two.

The Rayados (“Stripes”, or maybe “Striped Ones”) are from the amateur North Texas Premier Soccer League.   FC Dallas Roma made it to the Fourth Round out of this league once, so a touch of history could be on their side.  FC Wichita play in the Heartland Conference of the fourth-tier NPSL, and are also of amateur status.

RESULT:   NTX   3-2     Rayados lead 2-0 before blowing that lead, then scoring the winner at 86′.

  1. Orlando Pride vs. North Carolina Courage – NWSL

The Orlando gals are in 3rd, get to host the league’s one remaining undefeated team today.  They had a rough start, not winning any of their first three matches, but haven’t loss since.

As tenured Noobites will know, there’s an absolute side to cheer for here.   It’s called “whoever’s playing a team from a Swamp City”.  Noob disavows you, bad urban planners!  Go, NC.

RESULT:   NCC   3-4     Courage wasted 0-1 and 1-3 leads before getting the final goal at 90′ mark.

Image result for urban swamp orlando

 

Actual photo of Orlando.

Your future looks bleak, mice-peoples.

  1. Dinamo Zagreb vs. Hajduk Split – Croatia FA Cup

The Final!   Neutral site, a city called Vinkovci.  Bottom-rung club Cibalia plays there, which is named after the former Roman name for the town.

These clubs finished 1st and 3rd in league play, respectively.  Strangely, neither have been playing very well of late though.  Zagreb’s the one that’s on the worse skid.

Noobstradamus Sees:  Split taking the match 0-1.  And their extra-hooliganish fans will maim at least two Zagreb supporters.

RESULT:   Zagreb   1-0

  1. Partizan vs. Mladost Lucani – Serbia FA Cup

Another Final!   Also a neutral site, city of Surdulica.

There was gulf in the table between the top and the bottom halves, and Lucani wasn’t even the best of the worst, finishing 11th.  And bad luck – they lost at this stadium to the host Superliga club in the last league match of the season.  Bad vibes.

Worse, Partizan were the #B league finisher.  The only good thing working for Lucani is their offense.  It gives them a puncher’s chance, to mix sports metaphors.

RESULT:   Partizan   1-2     FA Cup cham-PEENS!

Image result for mixed metaphor funny

 

 

Mixed metaphor.

  1. Dinamo Minsk vs. BATE Borisov – Belarus Premier

BATE Borisov is the one name to know from this country.  A dozen consecutive league titles, 7-0-0 this season, and a goals-scored/allowed of 12-1.  yet Minsk is the one team that might give them a fight, especially on their own turf.  They’re #B and finished there in 2017 as well.

Noobstradamus Sees:   …Minsk knocking BATE a little off their pedestal!   1-1.

RESULT:   BATE   0-1

  1. Pusaks FC Academy vs. Ujpest – Hungary FA Cup

And back to another Final!   Noob’s been taking these in in order general strength of soccer in each nation.

The NB1 league was a two-horse race this season, but neither of them got to this Final.  Instead, we get the 5th and 7th-place teams.  But what makes this super-fun is that Puskas is the youth team affiliated with league-winner Videoton.   It will take place in Budapest, where Puskas is from, though not on their home pitch.

RESULT:   Ujpest   2-2 /  4-5 PK         So close, kids!

Image result for hungarian kids playing football

 

“If you win the final, kids, you get pizza and ice cream after”.

 

 

Thursday, 5/24

  1. Atletico Nacional vs. Colo-Colo – Copa Libertadores

South America’s version of Champions League.    The Group Stage is concluding.  Pods of four teams, top two finishers advance to Knockout stage.  Here’s your midweek featured match for the CL:

Last match of the Group Stage, and Colombia’s top entrant – Atletico Nacional – leads the Group.  Chile’s second team in (and likely best, really) are just two points back and tied with another club.  To further thicken the soup, the last-place team still isn’t out of it at two more points back.

Atletico are the only team with a positive goal differential here.  They come out of the stronger league and soccer country, are likely favored by a goal.   (8:30 PM, Fox Deportes)

Noobstradamus Sees:   …that Atletico has lost two straight between CL and league play, are having trouble scoring.  That’s never a problem for Colo-Colo.  Visitors win 0-2!

RESULT:   0-0     Both clubs advance to the Knockout Stage.  3rd-place Bolivar won today and tied Colo-Colo on points in the table, but they were going to need a much bigger margin of victory today to catch up on GD.

  1. Wolfsburg vs. Lyon – UEFA women’s Champions League

The Final, in Kiev!

Wolfsburg hasn’t lost since November.  Noob didn’t easily find the last time Lyon lost a match.  They’re the three-time defending champs.  Until they lose, put your euros on the French ladies.  Wait, that came out wrong…

RESULT:   1-4   Lyon     Congrats to the champs!    It was a weird and then very wild match.  No one scored in regulation.  Then Wolfsburg scored at 93′.  And then Lyon went OFF.

Image result for Kiev funny

 

 

So long from Kiev!

Midweek ’10 to Track’ – three days of perfectly-mixed league and Cup matches

What is T2T?  The ten goldarn best, most important matches to follow for us, the newish American soccer fans.   And let more-seasoned fans fear us, Noobites!   We’ll end up more knowledgeable than they.  Muahaha.

Relegation Monday was a sweet success, as we witnessed two mighty league upsets.  But now Noob returns us to our regularly scheduled, traditionally-“important” games for Tue-Thurs.

Tuesday, 12/19

  1. Leicester City vs. Manchester City – EFL Cup

So many Cups!   Fear not, Noobites.  This is a safe place.   EFL Cup is one vied for by just the top four tiers in the English football pyramid. It is also often referred to by its sponsor name, “The Carabao Cup”.  Easy peasy.

This year’s is now in the Quarterfinals.   Leicester’s been making moves up the Premier League table in recent weeks, but no one’s been a match for Man City all year.  If L.C. hopes to catch they’re guests napping, they’ll still need to shore up their very dodgy defense.

RESULT:   Man City   1-1  /  3-4 pk

B.  Carlisle United vs. Gillingham – English FA Cup

The FA Cup is the most popular one.  Teams all the way down to the 20th level have been competing.  This one’s in its Second Round Proper (Proper referring to the stage when Premier League teams start playing this even).

This is a Replay.  These two faced off about a week ago and had a 1-1 draw at tier-three Gillingham.  Rather than settle it with penalty kicks, they play again.  But this time, it’s at the tier-four side’s place.   Either way, we’re treated to a Minnow (over-achieving lower-tiered team) in the next Round.

RESULT:    Carlisle   3-1       The tier-four side is through to the Round of 64!

Image result for carlisle united funny

 

 

Those bend-y lights and giant soccer ball are pretty humorous.

  1. Paderborn vs. Ingolstadt – DFB Pokal (German FA Cup)

Round of 16 time.  3. Bundesliga (third tier) Paderborn is your Minnow, facing a top-flight team.

Paderborn have been as high as 2. Bundesliga as recently as two seasons ago.  They would’ve been Relegated last season into the tier-four Regional Leagues, but a team from 2. Bundesliga was sent down two levels instead.  Probably for naughtiness.

RESULT:   Paderborn   1-0      Minnow success!   

Wednesday, 12/20

  1. Bristol Rovers vs. Manchester United – EFL Cup

Bristol is the only non-Premier League team left alive here in the Quarterfinals.  They’re’ in 3rd place in the ECL (English second tier), but facing a Man club is another universe.

RESULT:   Bristol 2-1      Upset!  The Championship League team is through!

Image result for another universe funny

 

 

Wouldn’t you love to see someone try diving into that and finding a stud?

  1. AS Monaco vs. Rennes – Ligue 1

2nd place hosts 7th here.  This one is closer-looking in the table than it will be on the field.  Rennes is having a .500 year.  Monaco is tied for 2nd with Lyon, but nine points in back of Paris-Saint-Germain.  If they dream of a title push, they know they must lock down home games like these.

RESULT:   Monaco   2-1

  1. AS Roma vs. Torino – Coppa Italia (FA Cup)

Italy doesn’t appear to do a random draw for who hosts during the bracketed portion of its FA Cup.  They’re down to 16 teams, and the eight good Serie A teams all get to host these elimination matches.

This game match has at least a fair chance of us seeing an upset.  Torino is in 10th in league play, Roma in 4th.  Roma have given up the fewest goals in league, just ten in 16 games.

RESULT:   Torino   1-2      Best chance realized – upset!

Image result for Torino football funny

 

Utter fear, mild surprise, and– whatever that is…

Torino football fever!

  1. Anorthosis vs. APOEL Nicosia – Cyprus First Division

APOEL is a name tenured Noobites may recognize.   They competed in the Champions League Group Stage.  They didn’t advance, but weren’t expected to.   If they want to make it again next year, they have some work to do, being in 4th place currently.   But they’ve played fewer league games because of their international play, so even travelling to #1 and undefeated Anorthosis isn’t too bleak a prospect.

RESULT:   APOEL   0-3

  1. Union Española vs. Universidad de Concepcion – Chile Premier

The Chilean format is a little blurry for Noob, but we can get this down to brass tacks.   This is the second match of a Runners-Up Playoff for a spot in next year’s Copa Libertadores.   Concepcion had the best second half record of all teams not already qualified for CL next year.   Española had the second-best record for the overall season (and perhaps second-best in the Apertura/first half-season).

It’s two pretty good teams that didn’t quite qualify in other ways for C.L.   There!   Much easier.  Concepcion won the first match of this two-legged tie 1-0.

RESULT:   Concepcion   1-2      And they win on aggregate 3-1, on to next year’s Copa Libertadores!

Image result for clarity in communication funny

Thursday, 12/21

  1. Monterrey vs. Pachuca – Apertura 2017 Copa MX

If this event seems familiar, it may be because it started all the way back in July.  The big earthquake derailed football there for a time.

Mexico is a country that basically plays two FA Cups per season.  Each only involves teams from the top two leagues.

This is a one-off match for the Apertura (first half-season) Copa title, and fittingly between the top league #1 and #2 sides.   Monterrey’s been dominant in league, but Pachuca has been demolishing opponents in this tournament.  Can they go into the lion’s den and rip away the trophy?

RESULT:   Monterrey   1-0      The favorites have done it – Apertura Copa MX chamPEEEEEENS!

  1. Gent vs. Sporting Charleroi – Belgium First Division A

This league likely only gets two berths in next year’s Champions League.  The top six teams here make the league playoffs.

Gent have an excellent goal differential, but apparently have been winning big but losing close, as they’re just in 5th place.   Charleroi won’t catch Club Brugge for the #1 seed, but a big road win would gain them a firmer grip on the #2.

RESULT:   Gent   1-0       Gent move up to 4th place.

Image result for grip strength exercises funny

 

Step 1.)  Do steps 2-4 for a LONG time BEFORE picking up a baby.