Soccernoob

The ten most important matches to follow for us – the newish American fans of the global game.  Perhaps strangely, today’s start with a Friendly of all things.

As always on Friday, Noob starts our Tracking with matches close to home, then we set our sights on footyball hinterlands everywhere!  Enjoy.

1. Manchester City vs. Borussia Dortmund – International Champions Cup

The ICC is a pile of European teams playing three friendlies each all over the U.S. and Europe.  There will be a table and some club will “win”, but this is a standalone event.  There will be no playoffs and there’s no connection between this and any other international event.

Still, the ones in America are a great chance for the sport to be promoted.  This match will be at Soldier Field, Chicago.  There’s no telling how many true starting-caliber players will play or how much if they do, but hopefully Christian Pulisic gets some action.  He’s likely America’s best soccer player.

Last season, Borussia Dortmund finished 4^th in Germany’s Bundesliga.  Man City won the English Premier League, running away with the title.  Premier League starts up again in about three weeks.  Bundesliga’s likely about that same time.

RESULT:   Dortmund   0-1

 

 

Oopsie, Noob embarrassed young Christian.

B.  Phoenix Rising vs. Seattle Timbers II – United Soccer League

This is one of just two American leagues’ matches happening today.

Phoenix are in 5^th in the Western Conference.  A little higher and they’d get to host a Playoff match.  They’d been unbeaten for six straight matches until getting blown out at expansion Fresno last time out.

Seattle II are in last place.  The only club as bad is Tulsa.

RESULT:   Phoenix   1-0

 

 

 

Zombie-Number B is Rising… from the dead!

3. Utah Royals vs. North Carolina Courage – National Women’s Soccer League

This the other American match today.  The NWSL is like the carnival game where the contestant fires a BB gun at ducks or whatever floating or rotating by.

So North Carolina are the shooters, picking off all the other teams who have no ability to defend themselves from what is coming.  Expansion Utah are in 6^th.

RESULT:   0-0

4. Tigre vs. Guillermo Brown – Argentina Cup

Noob worked very late Thursday, is cutting and pasting this Copa match mini-preview from yesterday’s Track since it is now slated for today.

Beast vs. Man?   This is the Round of 64 in Argentina’s FA Cup.  They play just one match per pairing, no two-legged ties.

Tigre are a Primera team.  For now.  They’re just one spot above the cut in the multi-year Relegation table, and just 24^th in this season.   They have a league-leading 12 draws in just 27 games.

G.B. are a midtable second-division club.  The winner to will play Central Cordoba in the Round of 32.  That club just won on of third-tier division, earning promotion.

RESULT:   Tigre   1-0

 

 

 

Fun Fact:   Irish-born (William) Guillermo Brown is known as “the Father of the Argentina Navy”.

5. CNaPS Sports vs. Ajesaia – Madagascar Champions League

Noob can’t tell you a lot about this league.  It’s certainly not in the CAF rankings.  I think maybe all teams in Madagascar play for the right to participate in Champions League.

Regardless, it is divided into Zones.  These two are the top two in their Zone, though they’re only a couple games into the season.

Fun Fact:   Miarinarivo is the capital of the Itsay Region, the smallest yet most densely populated in the country; home to CNaPS Sports.

RESULT:   CNaPS   2-1

6. Cougars vs. Western Tigers – Guyana GFF Elite League

Guyana is a member of CONCACAF, despite the nation being on South America’s mainland.

Western Tigers are in 4^th place, though they may well be the league’s top team.  They’ve played three fewer matches so far than all other clubs.  Cougars are in last place.

 

Fun Fact:  Tiger > Cougar.

It’s just nature.

7. Can Tho vs. Sai Gon – Vietnam V.League 1

Vietnam’s top league is rated as 19^th in the AFC (Asian Football Confederation.  That’s top half.  No thanks to these two clubs certainly.

Can Tho is in second-to-last place, and is probably really the worst team in the league.  Battling them hard for that distinction is the current last place squad, Sai Gon.  Last will be automatically Relegated at season’s end.  The other will get a chance to save themselves in a playoff with the #B V.League 2 team.

Fun Fact:   The city of Can Tho is known as “the capital of the west”.  Noob finds this strange, given it’s in the south central node of this skinny north-south nation.

RESULT:   Sai Gon   1-3

8. Kyran vs. Ekibastuz – Kazakhstan First Division

The Kazakh top division is rated #26 in UEFA.   This is the second division.  Two teams will get promoted from it.  Right now, Kyran is #1.  Ekibastuz is #6, will have to up their offensive output a lot if they want to make a move on the contenders.

RESULT:   Kyran   1-0

 

Fun Fact:  That stupid Kyran mascot bird is gonna drop the ball in the water!

The Management:  Noob!

What?

9. Staiceles Bebri vs. Balvu – Latvia First Division

Latvia’s top league is rated just 44^th in UEFA.  This match is from the second division there.  Hey.  They’re playing.

How top heavy is this league?  Staiceles Bebri is 9^th of 12 teams, and they’ve scored just seven goals in nine matches, while conceding 34.  They’ve actually won two matches somehow.

Balvu have yet to win a match.  Their GD is 6-46.

Fun Fact:  Staicele is only home to maybe 1200 people.

RESULT:   Balvu   2-3

10. Ovetense vs. Fulgencio Yegros – Paraguay Intermediate Division

We wrap up the Track in South America, hitting up Paraguay’s second division.  And it’s another last place team in our sights!

Ovetense score like it already went out of style.  They’ll be lucky to pull even a draw against the #5 team in the league.  Top two will get Promoted.  This is a must-have road win if they want to contend for that.

RESULT:   Ovetense   1-0

 

So long from the possibly-at-one-time-rotating something of Oviedo! 

(Ovetense’s base city)

 

 

First off, congrats to the first ever Isle of Sodor FA Cup champions – Brendam Harbor!   It was a tournament full of surprises at the Group Stage level, but one of the faves came through in the end.  They will be solid favorites to win the inaugural Sodor Premier League starting this year.

With World Cup and IoS Cup complete, Noob returns to (comparative) normalcy.  For the Midweek days, I mini-preview the ten most important matches to follow for us – the newish American fans of the global game.

Tuesday

1. Legia Warsaw vs. Cork City – UEFA Champions League

It’s a long way until the Group Stage – considered the “event proper” starts, but teams are making their way.  This is the First Qualifying Round.  The preceding round was the first, consisting of just four teams.  Many more have entered now, though not all.

Poland and Ireland’s top leagues enter their teams from the 21^st and 38^th-rated ones in Europe, respectively.  Not exactly close, yet the two clubs here come in with fairly even ELO-style ratings (footballdatabase.com).

Cork City have fallen to #B in the League of Ireland Premier table.  Legia Warsaw haven’t started their Ekstraklasa season yet.  They won the first leg 1-0, look likely to close out at home.

RESULT:   Warsaw   3-0

 

*sigh*   Who’s running images?

ELO, like chess rating formula.  NOT Electric Light Orchestra.

Don’t bring Noob down.

B.  Horoya AC vs. Wydad Casablanca – CAF Champions League

Africa’s CL is also underway, and they are in their Group Stage.  Four pods of four clubs each remain.  They’ll play double round robins within the Groups, top two finishers advance.

Horoya out of Guinea would be a moderate surprise to advance, yet after two matches they’re tied for 1^st!  Wydad Casablanca qualify as the defending champions of this tournament.  They also finished #B last season in one of Africa’s very good leagues, so would’ve been here anyway.

Wydad are a Noob fave because the club is likely named for a famous actress and singer from that part of the world.  Can’t think of another club with that kind of origin story.

RESULT:   1-1

 

 

After a semi-hiatus, Number B is back and ready to fight to displace Number Two in all lost forms.

Noob’s quest is noble.  Join the resistance.

3. Shandong Luneng vs. Shanghai SIPG – Chinese Super League

Don’t think Chinese soccer is a big deal?  You should and will, in time.  Their clubs throw mountains of money at excellent European players, with some success.

These two are tied for 1^st here at about the 1/3 mark of the season.  Shandong finished 6^th last year and are allowing the fewest goals in league so far.  They’re not scoring a ton though.  Their guests today do.  If Shandong want to have a chance of keeping pace with this and other perennial league powers, three points at home is a must.

RESULT:  1-1

Wednesday

4. Minnesota United vs. New England Revolution – Major League Soccer

This is the only MLS match today.  Minnesota are 9^th in the weaker Western Conference, just outside a playoff berth (top 8).  New England sit 5^th in the East.  One spot higher and they would host a Playoff match.

New England have only won once in their last six league matches.  Their last time out ended in a woeful home loss to the lowly L.A. Galaxy.  Minnesota are having a fine July, winning two of their last three, including a nice home win against 5^th-place Real Salt Lake.

If “The Loons” want to make a Playoff move, they’ll need more play like they got in that one from Carlos Darwin Quintero (goal and an assist!).

RESULT:   Minnesota   2-1      Quintero with a goal

 

Quintero is a designated player – one a club can pay much more than others.

Noob thinks he went to MN for the groupies.

5. Chicago Fire vs. Louisville City – U.S. Open Cup

The match above is the only league match.  But three of the four quarterfinals today in America’s FA Cup are between two MLS teams.  Here, Noob features the only one with a division two team.

USL’s Louisville club is catching Chicago at the right time.  The Fire have lost three in a row, giving up ten goals over those matches.  They’ve dropped to 8^th in the East, out of the playoff zone.   All that said, Louisville is hardly a shoe-in to waltz into the windy city and steal this.  They’re second-tier for a reason.  And they’ve been up and down in their own conference of late, slipping to 4^th.

RESULT:   Chicago   4-0

6. Swope Park Rangers vs. Orange County – United Soccer League

A nod here to The Management, picking the USL match with Sporting Kansas City’s reserve team playing (Rangers).  But now to rile him up:

5^th-place Swope Park don’t even look like a Playoff team to Noob.  Negative goal differential.  Obscene number of goals allowed.  They’ve survived winning some close matches so far, but no more.

Orange County are in 4^th and will net three points today with a road W.

The Management:   I’m, not that riled up.  These are fair observations and comments.

Ok, um… Your mama’s got a negative goal differential.

The Management:  That…doesn’t even make sense.

Your mama doesn’t make sense.  Oh never mind.

RESULT:   O.C.   0-4

7. Flamengo vs. Sao Paulo – Brazil Serie A

When Noob began all this, I thought Brazil and Argentina had the top two leagues in South America and rather indistinguishable.   But really Brazil is 1, Argentina 1A.

These two are in 1^st and 3^rd a dozen games into the season.  The top four will automatically qualify for the 2019 Group Stage of the next Copa Libertadores (S. America’s champions league).  Last year, Flamengo finished 6^th and qualified for the CL Group Stage while Sao Paulo were well down the table.  They barely made the secondary Copa Sudamericana (S. America’s answer to Europa League).

Flamengo is better on both sides of the ball, should take care of business at home.  A big question is if they’ll be rotating in any reserves as starters since they’ve also been competing in the 2018 CL.

RESULT:   Sao Paulo   0-1

8. Gremio vs. Atletico MG – Brazil Serie A

A double dip for Brazil!

Gremio are in 5^th currently, having finished 4^th last year.  So far, they’ve been playing some seriously small ball, scoring and conceding far fewer goals than their peer clubs.  But they’re the defending Copa Libertadores champions and lost just 0-1 to Real Madrid in last year’s Club World Cup.

Atletico MG finished in 9^th in 2017, barely missing out on the CL.  This season, they’re #B in the table.  They’re playing wide open, scoring the most in Brazil and conceding more than at least any team in the top half of the standings.

RESULT:   Gremio   2-0

 

 

 

 

Seriously large ball

 

 

Thursday

8. Dundalk vs. FCI Levadia – Europa League

The First Qualifying Round continues.  This is the very first round, other than four teeny tiny country clubs that faced off for two spots in this one.  These may be two of the best teams paired in this Round.  Both are rated in the 1600’s (footballdatabase.com, presumably ELO formula used) and both are the most highly-rated in their countries.

Dundalk are leading the League of Ireland Premier, four points better than defending champions Cork City.  They sport both the best offense and defense to be had there.  And they won the first match of this two-legged tie 0-1.   Levadia are in 3^rd in Estonia’s Meistriliiga, part of a tight three-way logjam atop the table.  Their leagues are ranked 39^th and 43^rd by UEFA.

RESULT:   Dundalk   2-1    And on to the Second Qualifying Round for the victors

10. Tigre vs. Guillermo Brown – Argentina Cup

Beast vs. Man?   This is the Round of 64 in Argentina’s FA Cup.  They play just one match per pairing, no two-legged ties.

Tigre are a Primera team.  For now.  They’re just one spot above the cut in the multi-year Relegation table, and just 24^th in this season.   They have a league-leading 12 draws in just 27 games.

G.B. are a midtable second-division club.  The winner to will play Central Cordoba in the Round of 32.  That club just won on of third-tier division, earning promotion.

RESULT:     now slated for tomorrow

 

 

best Man versus Beast

Monday’s are traditionally called “Relegation Monday” here.  Noob takes the opportunity of light, post-weekend soccer scheds to seek out matches featuring the poorest-performing teams to be found.

But today concludes Noob’s onsite, seemingly exclusive coverage of the first-ever Isle of Sodor FA Cup!   So this is the lead match.  I’d be almost sad, but their first ever Premier League will start soon enough.

If you’ve been following the Cup, thank you so much.  It’s been an honor to be a small part of such an historic tournament.

Matches of Suckitude will follow starting with #B, then we’ll hit some odds and ends fun ones.

1. Arlesburgh United vs. Brendam Harbor – Isle of Sodor Cup

Hello from Suddery!   Noob concludes coverage of this inaugural FA Cup from the capital city, the only match of the tournament at a neutral site.

Our two Finalists both came out of Group D.  The winner was the Harbormen, doing it in its style that is so seldom seen on Sodor:  defensively.  Arlesburgh played a more traditionally Sudric, wide-open style en route to their runner-up finish.

Arlesburgh is perhaps the oldest settlement on the Isle.  It a located on the northwest-ish coast, just across the Walney Channel from The Isle of Man.  They draw their players from further south and west towards sizable Tidmouth (two clubs of their own), and then a fair ways north along the coast.  That direction they compete with rival Arlesdale. Though they are nicknamed The Pirates, one if more likely to see supporters dressed up just as very, very old people.

Brendam is the most important port and harbor town on the island, and is the most southern city on Sodor.  The Harbormen is their official, eponymous nickname, but players and supporters alike are just as likely to refer to them(selves) as “The Tugs”.  Making a “rub and tug” joke to a Harbor supporter is one of the few ways on Sodor to guarantee oneself a poonch in the snoosage.

The forecast for today is a touch on the cooler side for Sodor, a high in the low 60’s expected.  If there’s any advantage there, it will be for Brendam Harbor.  They’re one of the very best teams on Sodor, so this will make things all the harder on more usually-average Pirates.  Interestingly, if there’s an upset today, Arlesburgh it has been announced by the FA will get bumped up to Premier League for the first-ever season of FA-structured football.

RESULT:   Brendam Harbor   0-5     No upset here!   For all that the Group Stage surprised us, a fave ran away with the trophy.   They will  head into the new IoS Premier League has solid favorites.

 

 

Hello from the ruins of Suddery Castle.  Norman-style architecture.

B.  Fylkir vs. KR Reykjavik – Iceland Urvalsdeild

We may get a Relegation Monday (Minor) Miracle in this one.  Fylkir are the worst club not named Keflavik (who are WAY in last), but their just three points behind their visitors today in the table.  Looking at goal differentials, Noob puts this match at a coin flip.

RESULT:   Reykjavik   2-5

 

Fun Fact:  Knattspyrnufélag Seláss og Árbæjar, the club’s original name, was considered too “inconvenient”, and so was changed.

Try fitting that on a crest, golly.

3. Tecnico Universitario vs. Guayaquil City – Ecuador Serie A

We may be short on Relegation matches, but at least we have a double-feature here!   Two teams will get the boot after this league’s season, and these two are worst and second-to-it.  Tecnico gives up the most goals in league at nearly two per match.  Quayaquil are no better than their hosts on offense, but play some semblance of D.

Fun Fact:  Tecnico’s nickname is “The White-Red Roller”.  It sounds cooler in Spanish.

RESULT:   Tecnico U   1-0

4. Kyoto Sanga vs. Mito Hollyhock – Japan J.League 2

There are four clubs in this 22-team second-tier league that look to be in the running to get Demoted, which will happen to two.

Kyoto Sanga are in last currently, but Noob thinks they’re better than at least two of their peers and will save their season, if barely.  Mito is in 14^th, plays much better offense.  Noob thinks K.S. can earn a draw today.

RESULT:   Mito   0-1

 

Fun Fact:  “Sanga” is Sanskrit for “temple”, a nod to the many Buddhist temples in Kyoto.

Golden Temple Pavillion

5. Cruziero vs. Atletico PR – Brazil Cup

The Copa do Brasil is in its bracketed stage, the Round of 32.  This match features the top leagues’ 8^th place team versus it’s second-to-worst.  Cruziero won the first match of this two-legged tie 2-1.  That’s not surprising.  Paranaense (APR) have lost a lot of close matches so far this season.  They’ll climb out of the league Relegation Zone, but won’t beat Cruziero today.  “The Black Beast” are simply better on both sides of the ball.

RESULT:   1-1       And so Cruziero advances, 3-2 on aggregate

6. Vasco de Gama vs. Bahia – Brazil Cup

Lesser-known fact about the Vasco de Gama the explorer, for whom this club is named.  His real first name was “Duarte”.  He was giving the Latin-y name “Vasco” after being on of the first Westerners to ever have a vasectomy.  It was performed on him after reaching India on one of his voyages.

He had a weakness for the exotic girls, but didn’t want to leave behind buckets of children who would likely be ostracized for their mixed ancestry.  de Gama happened to befriend a certain Indian doctor —

The Management:  Noob!

What?

The Management:  Noob….

I’m historisciencing here.  Hush now.

*crickets*

It makes Noob most nervous when he suddenly stops questioning and berating me.  Let’s just carry on with the footyball, shall we, Noobites?

RESULT:   VdG   2-0

7. San Lorenzo vs. Racing de Cordoba – Argentina Cup

RdC are really good – for a fourth-tier club.  Excellent chance they’ll get Promoted at league season’s end.  All that will probably mean little today as they face one of the current Primera League powers.

RESULT:   San Lorenzo   1-0

8. Agropecuario vs. Club Luhan – Argentina Cup

This FA Cup is in its Round of 64, and here they just play single Knockout matches.  Agrepecuaria are a midtable second-tier team.  Luhan are a very good 4^th-level side, a true minnow who could pull an upset.

RESULT:   Luhan   0-1

 

 

If Luhan win and later get to host a big club, where will they seat everyone?

9. PSCS Cilacap vs. Persibangga Parbalingga – Indonesia Cup

This is a first round match between two third-tier teams in the FA Cup there, the Piala Indonesiai.

Noob just likes the visiting club’s name.

RESULT:   Cilacap   3-1

10. Tartu JK Welco vs. FC Flora U19 – Estonia Cup

Round of 32 in one of Noob’s fave non-Western European soccer countries.  The Flora kids are the third-level team for FC Flora.  Other teams in this league tend to be U21 squads.  Hence, they are in last there.

Tartu JK Welco is co-owned by surprising soccer fans author JK Rowling and actor JK Simmons.

The Management:   *Sigh*

j/k!  (Or am I?…)

RESULT:   Welco   1-0

 

 

 

 

So long, from the JK’s!

Schedules tend to run a bit lighter on Fridays.   So instead of laboring to find matches of grandest importance, we jet set off to find football the planet over!

We’ll start locally, but then get ready to have your passport stamped.  Lift off.

1. New York Red Bulls II vs. Richmond Kickers – United Soccer League

A couple Tracks ago, Noob described still-14^th place Richmond as sadness-makers.   They promptly went out and got a 1-2 win on the road against Penn FC.  Gentleman, well done.

And who knows?   Maybe they can make it two in a row.  NYRB2 are tied for 8^th, hanging onto a playoff berth in the East by their fingernails.  They’ve lost five matches in a row.

The Management:  They won their last one against Atlanta II.  6-1.

Yeah.  And ATL2  haven’t won a match yet this year.  They have all of three points in the table for the season.  They wouldn’t beat Des Moines Wanderers in a home match.  Beating ATL The Second doesn’t count.

The Management:  Under protest, I begrudgingly admit you have a fair point there.  I will now light myself on fire.

Easy there, chief.  You’ll be needed when the European domestic leagues all kick off again.  I won’t be backing down off my stance that Romanian club Voluntari are vampires and that the Twilight was a documentary series and the vampire villain family is based on them.

The Management:  *moves to light self on fire even more quickly* 

RESULT:    NYRB2   5-1        And one The Management, medium well.

B.  Arlesburgh FC vs. East Coast Diesel – Isle of Sodor Cup

The second Semifinal!  Who’s moving on to the Grand Match in capital Suddery on Monday night?

It’s been thought based on the new FA’s group stage seedings that Arlesburgh would be one of the title contenders in the coming inaugural football season in Second Division.  But they’ve been very open with the idea that how clubs fare in this first Cup can affect placement.  Noob thinks Arelsburgh will end up in the Premier.

Arlesburgh, as noted in a previous track, is one of the oldest settlements on Sodor.  it’s an important harbor town, especially for goods staging.  It’s an area of Sodor that is crowded, comparatively, to others.  Since they draw from a smaller geographic area, it’s been thought they can’t necessarily compete at the highest level here.

But The Pirates bring the offense!   Now, defense isn’t a prized virtue on Sodor.  But where Arlesburgh has set themselves apart is being able to tough out close wins when other teams find they can’t keep up with, close ranks in their own third and try scoring on counters.

East Coast Diesel’s top priority was to outlast more highly-thought of Vicarstown FC.  Both have been penciled in for Premier League when it starts, but Diesel have been thought to be a team that would struggle to win much there.  So they have their bragging rights pocketed now, get to gun for the Isle’s first hardware.

E.C.D. have yet to lose during the Cup.  They only allowed one goal during the Group Stage.  Being on the east coast and just a rolling bridge across the Walney channel from England, there’s been some style influence.  Heck, they’ve been known to even employ slide tackle now and again!  NOT the traditional Suddric way.  But effective.

This should be a rare-ish low-scoring affair.  Noob thinks someone wins 3-2.

RESULT:   Arlesburgh   5-4       What a thriller!  Arlesburgh scores one in extra time to storm the Final!   

So it’ll be the minnows Arlesburgh versus mighty Brendam Harbor on Monday night from the capital city of Suddery.

 

 

 

It’s Arlesburgh Pirates’ bobblehead doll night, mateys.

3. Kilmarnock vs. St. Mirren – Scottish League Cup

This tournament is comprised mostly of teams from the top four leagues in Scotland.  This is the first match of the event’s Group Stage.  There are eight pods of four.  The winners advance, as well as some of the runners-up.

Kilmarnock finished 5^th in last year’s Premier.  St. Mirren are back to Premier after winning the second-division Championship last season.  Noob doesn’t have a lot for you this early in the event.  The point is to know that it’s happening.

RESULT:   St. Mirren   0-0  /  2-3  pens    And interesting side note.  In this tournament, you get two points in the Group Stage table for winning in a shootout, not three.

 

 

 

Fun Fact:   This is the least-intimidating crest Noob’s has seen yet.

4. Barnechea vs. Valdivia – Copa Chile

We Tracked the first match of this two-legged Quarterfinal tie between these two second-division squads.  Barnechea won 0-1, so it’s advantage them as they try to wrap up a spot in the Semis at home today.

RESULT:   Valdivia   1-2       But in this event, they’re not using away-goals as a tiebreaker.  Penalty shootout went to Barnechea, 2-3, so they advance.

 

 

 

Barnechea are named for the Huaicoche indigenous people of the area.  

Their name means “people of the flash flood”.

5. Kedah vs. Johor Darul Ta’zim – Malaysia Super Liga

Feel like we see JDT here a lot in the Track?  They’re in a “tough” part of their schedule, keep playing all the next-bests.  Kedah are in 3^rd place, and are no better than an even match at home against the champions-in-waiting.  Only one will possibly get a Champions League berth from this league.

Fun Fact:   Kedah FA are “The Red Eagle”, and have one on their club crest.  For some reason, they are also known as “Canary”.

RESULT:   1-2   JDT

6. Defence Force vs. Morvant Caledonia United – Trinidad and Tobago League Cup

CONCACAF me.   Slowly, SLOWLY!!

This tournament is only for the ten top-flight league teams.  The champion is likely to come from this Semifinal, at least based on league standings.  They are 3^rd and 6^th in the table there, higher than the both teams in the other semi.  The match is on the home pitch for both these clubs.

Fun Fact:   Unlike many teams around the world named for state sponsor organizations, Defence Force is actually made of mostly or entirely policeman, soldiers and military sailors.

RESULT:   Defence Force   4-0

7. Al Shorta vs. Al Quwa Al Jawiya – Iraq Premier

Even being the 11^th-strongest league in Asia, they only get one Champions League berth.  With two matches to go, Al-Zawra’a has it nearly wrapped up with a six-point lead in the table.  AQAJ are #B, the only ones that can possibly catch them.  They’ve a tough task as they travel to #4 Al Shorta today.

RESULT:   Al Shorta   1-0       And that wraps up the title for Al-Zawra’!

 

 

 

Fun Fact:  Al Shorta’s nickname is “The Harp”.  Noob has yet to figure out why.

8. Lokomotiv vs. Navbahor – Uzbekistan Super League

#4 hosts #3 in Asia’s 10^th-ranked league.  No one’s running away with this one, and these two should easily finish the first part of the regular season in the league’s top half, qualify for the Championship Round.

Noob looks for an upset here today, if a mild one.  Defense travels, and Navbahor have only allowed nine goals in 15 matches.

RESULT:   Lokomotiv   3-1     Defense decidedly did -not- travel

 

 

 

Fun Fact:  Lokomotiv Tashkent are “The Railroaders”, named for their state sponsor.

9. Al Merrikh vs. Al Hilal Omdurman – Sudan Premier

Sudan’s is the #7 league in Africa.  As such, they qualify two teams for the continental Champions league.  The season is just starting here.  These are last season’s CL qualifiers, runner-up and champ, respectively.

Fun Fact:    Both clubs are from Omdurman, and they are only separated geographically by Ardha Street.

RESULT:      now slated for tomorrow

10. Pelauw Putra vs. Perseka Kaimana – Piala Indonesia (FA Cup)

Noob can’t tell you much of anything about this one – kinda makes it fun in a weird way!  teams from all five levels of football participate in this tournament.  This is the first round, and these two are from the lowest level (Liga III).  But they, they’re playing!

 

Doubt your fave club can win the tournament?

Make a cardboard trophy cutout.

The ten most important matches to follow for us – the newish American fans of the global game.   During the Midweek, Noob breathes a little, spreads the ten out over three days.

Tuesday’s matches are below.  Adding posts in reverse chronological order this week.  For her pleasure.  Meow.

The Management:  Um, what?

Did I stutter?

Thursday

9. Engordany vs. Kairat Almaty – Europa League

For the rawest of Noobites, this is secondary tournament for top teams in Europe.  Lots of domestic leagues’ also-rans and FA Cup winners.  Most would say the event proper doesn’t even really start for a couple more rounds when larger countries’ qualified clubs are slotted in.

This is the First Qualifying Round.  It was preceded by the Preliminary Round.  Noob’s opted to feature this match out of many today because we happened to Track Andorra’s Engordany in the P.R.

It’s hard for Noob to handicap a match like this, except to go by their leagues’ strengths.  Andorra’s is second-to-last in UEFA, while Kazakhstan (Kairat’s home) is ranked 26^th.  Pretty average.   Kairat qualified by winning their FA Cup, after narrowly missing out on their league title.

RESULT:   Kairat   0-3      This was the first leg.  Sure doesn’t look like Engordany will have much chance at a comeback on the road in the second leg.

10. Crovan’s Gate vs. Brendam Harbor – Isle of Sodor Cup

It’s the Semifinals of Sodor’s inaugural FA Cup!  Format remains the same.   First team listed hosts.  Knockout match, no return leg to Brendam.  Crovan’s Gate gets to host because Brendam has played at home the last two Rounds.

To advance to the Semis, Crovan’s Gate absolutely erupted against fellow Pot 3 club Wellsworth, smashing them 10-2.  No one saw it coming.  They barely survived the Group Stage, coming out on top of a three-way tie for runner-up based on a less-negative goal differential.

These “Grumpy Passengers”, as they are affectionately known (see the 7/2 Track for more), are pretty average on both sides of the ball.  They’ve managed to get this far because they can play multiple styles offensively.  it’s hard to shut them down.  They’ll switch from pressing six or seven men forward, to sitting back and striking on counters.

Brendam is the considered by many to be the football capital of the Isle.  The city’s two teams have both been stronger than most anywhere else’s over the years of less-structured league play and friendless over the years.  The Harbormen will be among favorites to win the coming, first-ever Isle of Sodor Premier League.  They play something rarely seen on Sodor:  real defense.  This is a bad matchup for Crovan’s Gate, on paper at the very least.

The winner will face either Arlesburgh or East Coast Diesel in the Cup Final.

RESULT:   Brendam Harbor   0-2      Sodor has its first ever FA Cup Finalist!  On to Suddery.

So long from the second, makeshift practice pitch near Crovan’s Gate!  

Wednesday

5. Croatia vs. England – FIFA World Cup

A spot in the Final against France is on the line as the world’s #20 takes on #12.

Croatia dominated their Group Stage, then need penalties to get past their two Knockout Round opponents.  The last was the host Russian team, one far less-heralded than even Croatia.  When Croatia win convincingly, it’s their defense that shines.

Someone needs to explain why if England wins it means “football is coming home”.  Noob understands the sport in its modern form was invented in Italy.

One of Noob’s big questions today is if England will be recovered from an intensely physical match with Colombia in the quarterfinals.

The star players are likely well known to you know.  Harry Kane scores the goals for Three Lions, midfielder Modric does everything for Croatia.  if Jordan Henderson can is fully fit, he can put a stopper on Modric.

On interesting side note is that Croatia is perhaps lucky to not have had a star defender – Vida- sent home before today.   FIFA does not allow political statements by players during the tournament, and he has sounded off most recently with a “Glory to Ukraine” shout.  Russians feel such is aimed at them.

And there you have it once again!  A bit disjointed, but enough tidbits to get you through any water cooler-level chat.  Mini-preview suckcess.  Yes, sometimes the K-spelling is appropriate.  Whee fun.  Now go, be free!  Scope out more in-depth pregame analysis.  Noob will, too.

 

 

 

Don’t leave us in suspense, artful water cooler ladies.

6. New York City vs. Montreal Impact – Major League Soccer

Well, Canadiaians, lookie here!   Montreal – which Noob has long-considered the second-worst team in the Easter Conferences (*waves at D.C. United*) have won four in a row at climbed into the last playoff spot (6^th) in the table.  The highlight was easily a win of Western power Kansas City two matches ago.  The Impact have found their defensive stride.

Last match out, NYCFC got their revenge in the latest Hudson River Darby, beating Red Bulls.  They host #4 Columbus after this one.  Feels like a trap game.   In fact –

The in-house prognosticator returns!   Noobstradamus has had a vision.

 

 

Don’t call it a comeback.  I’ve been here for years.   A couple thousand, give or take.

 

“I’d been on a sabbatical from Noob for some time, hiding out in Montreal.  Yesterday, I was noshing on a smoked meat bagel-sandwich at Schwartz’s Hebrew Delicatessen, a late lunch treat when it happened.

Now, you might be thinking, ‘Oh, here comes another one of his food poisoning-visions.  Nope, this isn’t a repeat of the John Stamos/Greek Yogurt episode.  This divination came from the meat itself, pre-consumption.  I was about to take that first, delicious bite when something compelled me to put it down and lift the top off.

The meat pieces lay in a pattern that quite plainly read ‘Montreal 1-0’.

Never doubt me.  And never doubt Schwartz’s.  We have spoken.

RESULT:   NYC   3-0     Maybe the vision was for some game IN Montreal today…

7. Seattle Reign vs. Utah Royals – National Women’s Soccer League

The league is North Carolina’s.  But the battle for #B and the right to host a home playoff match is ON.

Seattle lead reviled Swamp City Orlando (bad urban planning!) and Chicago by just a point.  The Reign didn’t fall asleep last match out, downing upstart Houston 3-1 a game after defeating their regional rival (Portland).  They have the league’s best defense, should be able to handle fading expansion Utah on their own pitch.

RESULT:   Seattle 1-0

8. Ludogorets Razgrad vs. Crusaders – UEFA Champions League

Lots of matches today here in the First Qualifying Round.  Noob’s picking this one just because Northern Ireland’s is about the westernmost club in action here today.  Not that they’ll be around long probably.  Bulgaria’s best club is far more accomplished.

This is the first match of a two-legged tie.  Crusaders will be doing decently just to keep this within two.  The point of including them here isn’t so feature a super-competitive match, but rather just to remind that this event is actually already started.

RESULT:   L.R.   7-0     not a typo

 

 

 

Crusaders.

Noob needs to good reason.

 

Thursday

coming soon!

Tuesday

1. France vs. Belgium – FIFA World Cup

It feels like most of the talk Noob hears is about Belgium and England.  Both are understandable.  While not a wholesale underdog, England came in with a very young team, ranked outside the world top ten.  Belgium seem to get spoken of almost more as an underdog themselves, though this is the third-ranked team in the world.

Noob thinks France takes home the trophy.  They’ve won with both their offense and defense throughout the tournament.  They have world class talent in many positions, including Mbappe.  He’s just 19 whose time as the greatest is dawning now.  They took down Uruguay 2-0 in fairly clinical fashion to advance to this Semifinal.

Belgium have won every match since they arrived in Russia.  And though we’re talking about the #B team in the world, Brazil heading one into their own goal on a corner kick… that’s lucky and there’s no other way to describe it.  France are just as good, and one can’t count on that kind of good fortune twice is quick succession.  And falling behind 0-2 to Japan in the Round of 16.  Oy gavalt.

For France, the name Giroud has not yet come up in the goals column.  But it’s been his play in the middle of the attack that’s opened things up for those who have been getting the glory.    For the Belgians, de Bruyne always headlines a team that is hardly devoid of star power.  If Belgium win, his name will be the one in lights.

And there you have it!  Mini-preview success, just enough to get you through water cooler-level chat.  now go, be free!  Seek out pregame analysis with more meat, if you are so moved.  Noob will, too.  It’s all good.

RESULT:   France  1-0      Les Bleus to the final!

 

 

 

C’mon, talk some soccer, Systemites.

B.  Vicarstown vs. East Coast Diesel – Isle of Sodor Cup

The Quarterfinals continue!  Hello from Vicarstown, where Noob continues onsite coverage of the Isle’s inaugural FA Cup..

East Coast Diesel of Vicarstown wrecked their Group by a 10-1 goal margin.  And they’re gritty themselves, having won in a pop-up storm last round in a scoreless draw in regulation before advancing through penalty kicks.

If E.C.D. gets the first goal or two, this will be a wide-open affair, the kind the Sudrics are known for in general.

The winner gets the victor from the other match today, Ffarquhar vs. Elsbridge.

RESULT:   E.C.D.   4-8     Vicarstown scored first, but Diesel scored more often

3. Swope Park Rangers vs. Sacramento Republic – USL

Rangers are 4^th in the West.  The Management is pleased, as he has KC ties.  They’ve won two in a row after a drubbing by expansion Fresno FC.

Sacramento – one of the teams to move over from the nearly-defunct and former co-second division NASL – are heading the opposite way.  They’re still in the playoff mix though, despite not having won in five consecutive matches.  They haven’t even scored in the last two.

RESULT:   Sacramento   1-3     The Republic remain in 6th, but the table tightens.

4. Perak vs. Johor Darul Ta’zim – Malaysia Super Liga

Longer-tenured Noobites may be feeling some déjà vu, and understandably.  These two have been featured here on the Track together before.

JDT is the powerhouse this year in this, the 13^th-ranked league in Asia.  They’ve the best offense in the league.  But the defense is where they’re surreal.  They’ve allowed just six goals in 17 matches.  Perak is part of a revolving door at #B in the table.  Last time out, they lost 2-0 against the league leaders.

RESULT:   JDT   1-2

 

 

 

Gah!  It’s Chuckles!

The classic, bearded version is also a master of the revolving door.

 

 

Noobites, never fear or loathe Monday.  Embrace it’s darkness.  It’s the only way.

As part of that (and because soccer scheds are lighter on Mondays), we turn from our more traditional ‘ten most important’ matches to Relegation Monday!

The first few matches featured will be of happier import.  Then we get to know clubs that may be about to be kicked out of their leagues for being bottom-feeders.

To the pain.

1. Penn FC vs. Richmond Kickers – United Soccer League

We start the Track with the only top-two division game in America today.

Penn has climbed to 8^th place – good for a playoff spot if they can hold on – in the Eastern Conference.  They just netted a solid home win over fellow postseason chasers Bethlehem Steel three days ago.  They haven’t lost in in six matches.  It’s worth noting, though, that the streak doesn’t include a single clean sheet.

Richmond are in 14^th.  They cannot score.  They make the sadness.

RESULT:   Richmond   1-2    Sadness lifted!

 

 

You even make the soccer ball sad.  Shameful.

B.  Brendam Harbor vs. Glennock – Isle of Sodor Cup

The Quarterfinals are on!  These two both won their Round of 16 matches at home, and each only host one of their three Group Stage matches.  A coin flip as used to determine that the match would be played in Brendam.

Harbor won two of three Group Stage matches to win in that round.  They did so playing a much more defensive brand of ball than is typical on Sodor.  Junction & Sheds FC was their R16 opponent, a fellow Pot 1 entrant.  The match was a doozie – 4-4, 3-2 in penalties.

Sudrics are still wondering how tiny Glennock have managed to get this far.  They won two Group Stage matches by a combined score of just 3-0 and got destroyed by Pot 1 J&S 1-8.  And then somehow, they kept pace with Pot 1’s Castle Rolf to the tune of 7-7 before stunning them in PK’s.

Noobites, you don’t have to scroll back far into the Tracks to find even more get-to-know-me info on these clubs.  Suffice to say here and now that B.H. has to be the favorite.

RESULT:   Harbor   3-1

 

 

Harbor fans are partying hard, confident they’re side is headed to the Semis.

Partying too hard…

3. Weymouth Wales vs. BDF – Barbados Premier

The Final!  We celebrate our CONCACAF neighbors.

Each of these teams dominated their regular season Groups and now they play what Noob believes is a one-off for the league title.  The game is in Bridgetown, on the home pitch for both clubs.  WW outscored opponents by a mind-boggling 50-6 march en route to an undefeated record (with two draws.  BDF were no slouches, but will be considered underdogs today.

RESULT:   Weymouth Wales   2-1      Hail to the champions!

4. Dnepr Mogilev vs. Isloch – Belarus Premier

This league just climbed into UEFA’s top 20!   This was not with the help of either of these clubs.  Isloch are 9^th.  Meh.  But Mogilev are part of a four-way tie for second-to-last, in danger of getting The Boot.  In fact, they technically hold that spot since they have the worst goal differential of the four.

Isloch can’t score, but at least they can play defense.  Mogilev… Mogilev might consider taking up table soccer.  Try it with a strobe light on to mess with your heads hard.

RESULT:   0-0

 

 

The LED’s may look good.  But they don’t hurt your brain like a strobe in the dark while playing.

5. Fylkir vs. Vikingur Reykjavik – Iceland Urvalsdeild

We move much further down the UEFA league rankings to find Iceland, nearly 40^th.  But hey – they’re playing!  Second-to-last hosts one of the four clubs just a point higher.  Two teams will get demoted at season’s end.  Noob like the Fylkismenn to make a move in front of the home crowd today.  V.R. have no offense to speak of.

Fun Fact:   Fylkir are based in the eastern Reykjavik district of Arbaer.  The club was formed almost as soon as this suburb was incorporated.

RESULT:   V.R.   2-3     It’s a minor Monday Miracle

6. Sogdiana vs. Metalourg – Uzbekistan Super League

Welcome to Asia’s 10^th-strongest league!  The bottom half will play in their own Relegation Group near season’s end.  Sogdiana are 11^th of 12 teams.  Metalourg are in 6^th, fighting to stay in the Championship subdivision part of the table.

Noob thinks Sogdiana have a legit shot here at being a Relegation Monday Miracle team.  They’re poor on both sides of the ball, but Metalourg don’t score either.

RESULT:   Metalourg   0-1

 

 

 

The name Sogdiana is thought to have a meaning related to shooting, archery.

7. Kokand-1912 vs. Lokomotiv – Uzbekistan Super League

Double dip!  9^th hosts 5^th here.   Kokand have the best GD of all the Relegation region clubs, but only because they play an all-defense style.  Lokomotiv can score as well as nearly any team – even those above them in the table.  They’ll take the three points today.

Fun Fact:   Kokand – “the Trailblazer”s -are the oldest club in the country.

RESULT:   Lokomotiv   1-2

8. Al Quwa al Jawiya vs. Al Hussein – Iraq Premier

Just one more spot down the AFC league rankings we find the Iraqis.  This is the last match of the season for these clubs.  AQAJ have wrapped up #B and a Champions League berth.

Noob’s sources are in conflict as to whether two or three teams are getting Relegated out of this league.  If it’s three, Hussein are on the hot seat, though they could still catch the team right ahead of them.  Hypothetically.   But it would be a monumental upset.

RESULT:   AQAJ   5-0

 

 

Al Hussein is named after Saddam, who apparently didn’t favor the claw technique of playing banjo…

9. Karbala vs. Zakho – Iraq Premier

Now here’s a rare treat – we say goodbye to both these teams, no matter the result today.  They occupy the last two places in the table, and neither has hope of daylight.  The league’s worst defense host its most incapable offense in a game of epic suckitude sure to please.

Fun(?) Fact:   It is believed the Archangel Gabriel named the city Karbala, meaning “place of agonies and afflictions”.  Wonder if he was thinking of footyball…

RESULT:   Zakho   2-0     (had the home and away teams turned around)

10. Tartu Welco vs. Tartu Santos – Estonia Esiliiga

This time of year, Noob digs deep to find Relegation-worthy matches.  Say hiya to Estonia’s second division.  And to the battle for the city of Tartu!

This league as 10 teams.  8^th place will have to win a Relegation Playoff with a third-division team for the right to stay up.  That’s Santos.  Welco’s just two spots higher.  Noob would cite a Fun Fact, but I’m too distracted by those ii’s in Esiliiga!   They shine like the sun.  Noob is and always will be mesmerized.

RESULT:   Santos   1-5

 

 

 

So long from this week’s Track, from me and The Primo Padre!

Double eyes.  He’s down.

The ten most important matches to follow for us – the newish American fans of the global game.  This is Noob’s mantra.  Come, Noobites – let us learn of the clubs and leagues of the world.

And please don’t mind the inanity.  And don’t feed the bears.

(Updated Saturday, 4:20 PM EST to include Sunday feature matches)

Saturday

1. Sweden vs. England – FIFA World Cup

The oddsmakers favor England 19:1, Noob has read.  They are ranked 12^th in the world.  Sweden – just 24^th.  But England has had just about nothing but failure against Sweden in international play in recent years.   Believe me, the betting houses are sweating this.

Kane has been the star for England, unsurprisingly and yet much to Noob’s chagrin.  (Noob despises his club team, the traitorously-named Tottenham Hotspur.)  A name that gets mentioned less is Trippier.  He’s not one of their great scoring threats, but they don’t need him to be.  He holds the midfield defense excellently.  Look for him to be booting balls into the box on set pieces as well.  Betcha he gets an assist today.

Sweden don’t have any stars.  Marcus Berg is perhaps the most likely man to score for them.  Noob thinks Sweden will play this match defensively, hope to take their chances in penalty kicks.  England won their last match that way, but they’d had a hex on them in that regard for a long time.

And there you have it, Noobites.  Mini-preview success!  Enough to get you through any barroom soccer chat you find yourself in.  Now go, be free!  Search out more in-depth analysis, should you be so inclined.  Noob is, and will, too.

RESULT:   England   0-2    A dominating performance for “The Three Lions”.

 

 

 

Is this Sweden supporter angry with Noob, or did his face just freeze like that before leaving home?

B.  Real Salt Lake vs. Dallas FC – Major League Soccer

With their monstrous win over Eastern Conference #1 Atlanta United on the Fourth, they have taken over 1^st place in the West.  It was a surprisingly high-scoring affair at 3-2, as Dallas’ success has been predicated primarily on defense.

RSL got off their Noob-approved winless streak last outing with a shocking win over previous West #1 Kansas City.  Noob further approves another streak of suckitude.  “Real” my buttocks.   We’ve no royalty here, and I will proclaim my cause until there is change.

RESULT:   RSL   2-0

 

 

Real Salt Lake, you have provoked also the ire and rage of Number B.

3. Seattle Reign vs. Houston Dash – National Women’s Soccer League

How much is this North Carolina Courage’s league?  Seattle only scored twice in their last five matches, only one won, and are still #B.

Houston scored an impressive win over Orlando last match.  Noob was rooting for a 0-0 draw.  If there’s one thing The Management and I scorn (besides “real”s in ‘Muricuh) it’s cities built on swamps.    Anyway, Houston is in 6^th. Top four make the playoffs, but the women’s season isn’t all that long.  They have little time to leapfrog teams.

RESULT:   Seattle   3-1

4. Nashville vs. Cincinnati – United Soccer League

Nashville, you rascally little expansion upstarts, you.  Sneaking into the top three in the East.   Game of the year right here for you and the fans then.  #1 Cinci comes calling.

Wait, what’s this?  You’d lost two in a row before beating Atlanta II a few days ago?   Isle of Sodor Cup coverage has blinded me to your impressive beginning.  Apologies.

Cinci haven’t lost a league match since May 12.  They score, score some more, and then their fans continue to push for this to be an MLS expansion club.  And they likely should be.   Treeee-mendous supporters.

RESULT:   0-0

 

Just for not realizing how good Nashville had been playing?   C’mon, ref!   That’s a yellow at worst.

5. Suwon Bluewings vs. Jeju United – South Korea K-League 1

Jeonbuk has already opened up a nine-point lead in the table, just over a dozen matches into the season.  These two are B^th and 3^rd.  If either is to have a chance at catching the leaders a move right now is imperative.

The top three in this – the 3^rd-most highly rated league in Asia – will make the federation’s next Champions League.

RESULT:   Jeju   2-3    back of forth the whole way before the winner was scored at 88′!   Jeje climb to #B, Suwon drop to 4th (based on other match results).

Sunday

6. New York City FC vs. New York Red Bulls – Major League Soccer

The return of the Hudson River Derby is nigh!  In their most recent meeting in the U.S. Open Cup, Red Bulls embarrassed the Blues 4-0.

NYRB haven’t lost in five consecutive league matches.  Defense is their strength and theirs is superior to NYCFC.  Defense travels, and it doesn’t have to travel far today even.

The wild card factor today is that Red Bulls head coach just resigned.  He appears to be headed for a posh gig managing Red Bull Leipzig in the German Bundesliga.

RESULT:   NYCFC   1-0    The Blues move to #B, NYRB 3rd in the East now

 

 

 

Yes, Jesse, that way to Germany.

7. Portland Timbers II vs. Fresno FC – United Soccer League

The top eight in each conference in America’s second-tier pro league make the Playoffs.  These two perfectly straddle that thin line.

Portland II are on a three-match slide, and mostly against competition they were thought better than.  Fresno just stopped a two-game losing streak of their own with a shiny win over Sacramento Republic.

These two look the same on paper.  If momentum or lack thereof mean anything, expansion Fresno could tiptoe away with three points tonight.

RESULT:   Fresno   2-4    They remain 7th and 9th in the standings, but things for that last playoff spot are all the tighter now.

8. Deportes Valdivia vs. Barnechea – Copa Chile

The Quarterfinals are on in Chile’s FA Cup.  These are both second-division teams, so a Minnow of sorts is headed to the Semis one way or another.  Neither is doing anything special in their league.

Barnechea needed penalty kicks to win their Round of 16 two-legged tie, but took down a Primera side.  Valdivia nearly blew a 4-0 lead against a fellow second-division club (agg. 4-3).  The winner here gets either Audax Italiano or Huachipato, both Primera leaguers.  This is the first leg of the tie today.

RESULT:   Barnechea   0-1

9. Djurgarden vs. Norrkoping – Sweden Allsvenskanliga

4^th hosts 3^rd as two traditional powers in Sweden face off in a league just outside UEFA’s top 20 in strength.

Norrkoping bring a little more offense.  Djugarden had a nasty three-game skid a month that is the only reason they don’t lead this league.  They’ve not lost in seven straight matches now.  Neither Hammarby or AIK are far ahead of them.

RESULT:   1-1

10. Tampines Rovers vs. Home United – Singapore S.League

Sinapore’s is also a league just outside its federation’s top 20.  As such, it will send only one team to AFC Champions League, and even that’s not guaranteed.  They could be sent to the lesser AFC Cup.

Alibirex Niigata are 14-0-0.  But they’re a Japanese club’s reserve side, and so aren’t eligible for international competition.  The #4 club is also from outside Singapore, and so can’t qualify for international tournaments through this league, either.  So one of these two is almost certainly going.  Rovers are #B and play much better defense than #3 Home Utd.

RESULT:   0-0

 

 

The Stags lead Home by four points in the table.