Soccernoob

Isle of Sodor Premier League – Matchday 24 – Feature: #1 Dryaw FC vs #2 Peel Godred

The New England Cheatriots won Superb Owl LIII 13-3 Sunday. Boring. Image result for cheatriots

Isle of Sodor Premier League had it’s own #1-2 matchup Sunday, with host Dryaw FC routing Peel Godred by that same score. No snoozefest on this pitch! The “Reverends” of Dryaw take a far more decisive lead of five points in the table now.

[Check back for a new post Wed. or Thurs. for updated table and all the weekend’s results!]

A dampish pitch did nothing to slow offense today. Little does on Sodor, of course, as hard defense is considered uncouth and things like slide tackles practically forbidden as an unwritten rule. Striker Bill Butzkopfski Image result for fat soccer player in red (left) found the back of the net early and often, tallying five scores before being subbed out in the 70′. Al Britt assisted on a pair of those and two other scores from his midfield position.

For Peel, Glen Onchan nabbed a goal and an assist from the right wing. Goalkeeper Ray Harmer had a much tougher day, coming off his line too early and too often, committing two own-goals.

A MOMENT OF SILENCE

— was held just before kickoff in all matches on Sodor.

The English Premier match between Everton and Wolves the day before featured a black cat running around the pitch – uncatchable, free (courtesy of S.I.) – in the second half.

A chapter of brief but terrible Sudric history ended just 20 years ago. Everyone was reminded of the horrible experiments run in a dark corner of the Isle: Live cats forced to play indoor soccer with AI robot soccer cats. Not sound so terrible as to warrant moment of silence? Here’s the excruciating footage. Viewer advisory.

Sodor Premier League news! Tidmouth City striker transferred after team tai chi brawl

January 31, 2019 – Tidmouth, Sodor

Image result for isle of man soccer player Striker Cam Baker is out at Tidmouth City, has been transferred to a Turkish second division club.

Sodor isn’t oft a place of shenanigans or worse, yet the ouster mirrors a strangely similar sequence of events this month from the English Premier League.

In December, Fulham F.C. striker Aboubakar Kamara had a run in with teammate Alexsanar Mitrovic over who was to take a penalty kick. In January, Kamara scuffled with a security guard trying to storm the main offices and argue over the fine that ensued. Then most recently, he got into fisticuffs with the same teammate at a team yoga session. He felt Mitrovic had been rude to the instructor. (Read the Football365 article)

City’s Baker has also been a handful. He argued nastily with fellow striker Alex Mitre around Christmastime over a “Secret Santa” gift that that might not have met the minimum-spending agreement. While the club did not fine Baker, the fracture only deepened between the two players.

Image result for cheap secret santa gift

Baker wasn’t wrong. That’s just a terrible gift job on Mitre’s part.

Things came to a full head this week at a regular team tai chi session. Baker instigated full-on fisticuffs with Mitre. In fact, it took two players and a passer-by Zumba instructor to pull Baker off of him. The cause? Mitre made an admiring comment to the instructor about her “downward dog” style, w Image result for sexy downward dog hich Baker felt crossed a clear line of couth (and for which he has been suspended two matches).

Right or wrong regarding Baker’s chivalry, Manager Claud Rainn traded him quickly. Baker will finish the 2018-19 campaign as a kit launderer for women’s club Ilkadim Belediyespor of Turkey’s Kadinlar 2. Liga . In return, Tidmouth City will receive an autographed photo of Ilkadim midfielder Khatia Tchkonia.

(Not to be uncouth myself, but Noob thinks Tidmouth City easily got the better of this trade.)

Sodor Premier League news! Tim Howard who? 80-year old Sudric goalie announces retirement

January 30, 2019 – Arlesburgh, Sodor

Colin Lee, -80- year old goalie for Arlesburgh United Pirates Image result for soccer crest pirates of the Isle of Sodor Premier League has announced his retirement from competitive play. When asked what he thought of the MLS Colorado Rapids‘ 39 year-old Tim Howard‘s hanging them up after the 2019 season, Mr. Lee gruffly said, “Blargh. I have bunions older than that quitter.”

This 2011 Daily Mail article details his full English career; click here)

In 2012, Mr. Lee Veteran: Colin Lee, 72, started playing football when he was just six years old and has now been regularly partaking in the beautiful game for an incredible 66 years was sacked as secretary for eight Northampton, England area teams and as keeper for his Sunday League squad. His former Air Force Veterans’ teammate, 56 year-old Ollie Hight had this to say:

“The guy was 72. He did a lot of good, but it was time for him to bugger off, make room for up-and-comers like me.”

Colin Lee then retired across the Walney Channel to Arlesburgh, in the northwest of Sodor. Image result for Arlesburgh Sodor map As the oldest established town on the Isle, he found it suited him well. Here, he continued his 50-plus year career as a goalie, only occasionally reverting to his youth position of centre half.

But Arlesburgh United find themselves in last place in this, the inaugural IoSPL season. With Lee in a platoon at goalkeeper, the team has given up nearly seven goals per match, a staggering number even by loose-defense Sodor standards.

“If the other team kicks it right at me, I’ve got a shot. But they’ve figured out my weaknesses after having faced each club once on the year — I have trouble covering wide. And high. And low. I can actually get low sometimes, but then I can’t get back up and they sub me out.”

“I hope Tim Howard finds broadcasting dull and decides to replace me here. Perhaps he can get the team promoted to Premier again next year. Because we’re sure as shit getting sent down this season.”

Isle of Sodor Premier League 2018-19 — Noob-exclusive coverage begins at last!

Last summer, Noob brought you exclusive coverage of the first-ever Isle of Sodor FA Cup. I’ve been wintering on Sodor, witnessing the inaugural, 2018-19 Isle of Sodor Premier League. Let the coverage begin at last.

I am merely Noob, not yet Interwebs Pro. But here at least is the current table. Soon, you will find this next weekend’s Feat-ured Match preview (and a recap to follow), Club Spotlight piece, and a short history of organized football on Sodor. (This weekend, IoS PL is off.)

Peruse this site’s FA Cup Page for some perspective. And yes, red means there is pro/rel, a Sodor Championship second division-league

	W	D	L	PTS
Dryaw	17	4	2	55
Peel Godred	17	2	4	53
Kirk Ronan	16	4	3	52
Knapford Town	16	4	3	51
Crovan’s Gate	15	5	3	50
East Coast Diesel	12	6	5	42
Wellsworth	11	3	7	36
Junction & Sheds	11	3	7	36
Glennock	10	4	9	34
Castle Rolf	8	6	9	30
Vicarstown	7	8	8	29
Suddery	7	6	10	27
Lakeside	7	4	12	25
Brendam United	7	4	12	25
Brendam Harbor	7	4	12	25
Marron	6	4	13	22
Ffarquhar	4	4	15	16
Ulfstead	3	4	16	13
Tidmouth City	3	2	18	11
Arlesburgh United	3	1	19	10

’10 to Track’ match previews for weekend 1/19-20 – call Noob “Mr. CONCACAF”

Noob’s return to Tracking important matches for rolls on!

This weekend, trying out something new.

What follows are the most important matches from the top 20 leagues in CONCACAF.

Enjoy, as we get to know leagues and clubs from all over our local federation.

1. UANL Tigres vs. Cruz Azul – Liga MX

CONCACAF league rank: they don’t do those, but MX is #1
Table positions: Apertura #5, #2
Stakes: top 8 make the Liguilla
Time of season: Clausura just starting

For the rawest of Noobites, Mexico divides its football year into two separate tournaments – Apertura and Clausura. They’re just a game into the Clausura, so let’s look at the year’s first half:

Cruz Azul were the regular season champs! But they lost in the Liguilla (postseason tournament) final to #B CF America. They sported the best defense in the league, should be a contender once again.

UANL finished in 6^th, also qualifying for the Liguilla. Their goal differential was second best in the league, but it wasn’t bad luck that kept them from a higher table position. They struggled against top competition, if often losing close at least. And they ran up scores against lesser foes. They’ll need to figure out how to get more scoring versus the real contenders if they want to join their ranks.

RESULT: Cruz Azul 0-1

B. Atlas vs. Guadalajara – Liga MX Femenil

CONCACAF league rank: hmmm…well, nowhere near as good as U.S.
Table positions: Apertura #4, #B in Group 2
Stakes: top four from each Group make the Liguilla
Time of season: Clausura just starting

Mexico’s professional women’s league has their season divided the same as the men’s side. In this league also they are just starting the Clausura.

Unlike the men’s side, the women’s league is divided into two Groups of nine clubs each. Top four from each make the Liguilla, and these two were both in it. These two were the best defensive teams from their Group. They sported the best two defense in the league. Both will have to show they can score a lot more in order to challenge Group champs UNAL.

RESULT: this match seems to have not been played; an update will follow if more info becomes available

The Number B image originally shown here was redacted.

I blame the agents of worn-out Number Two.

3. Oaxaca vs. Sonora – Ascenso MX

CONCACAF League rank: might be third-best
Table positions: Apertura #6, #4
Stakes: top 8 make the liguilla
Time of season: Clausura just starting

Previously, Noob has paid little attention to second-tier Mexican football. And while I may not spend a lot of type on it, as perhaps the third-best league in the region, we’ll get to know it a little.

There were just two or three teams in real contention for the regular season Apertura title. But that liguilla is just as shiny a trophy, and it was the #5 seed that won it. Oaxaca’s got the goal-stopping ability to make a push higher in the table here in the Clausura. Sonora’s got to win some close games this go-round or they won’t.

It’s worth noting, kind of sadly, that these clubs aren’t really offered a chance at Promotion into Liga MX. The overall winner is technically eligible, but there are safeguards in place so the last place Liga team can pay a bunch of money to stay in the top flite.

Fun Fact: Oaxaca’s nickname – The Alebrijes – is a term for art depictions of fantastical creatures. The form and term comes from artist Pedro Linares. After falling ill, he had dreams of unreal animals and drew them upon waking.

RESULT: Sonora 0-1

The rest are Caribbean region matches. Two quick things:

I assume a rough correlation between a national team’s official ranking and the country’s domestic league strength. I’ve never found formal rankings for the latter.
Here’s how the CFU (Cariibbean Football Union) qualifies teams for CONCACAF Champions League and CONCACAF League (which is itself a pathway to CL):

This year, countries with professional and semi-professional leagues can send two teams to the new Caribbean Club Championship.

Other countries’ leagues can send their winners to the second-tier Caribbean Club Shield tournament.

The particulars of how each event qualifies teams to the CL and CONCACAF League can wait for another day.

4. Mount Pleasant vs. Portmore United – Jamaica National Premier

CONCACAF league rank: about #6*
Table positions: #5, #1
Stakes: top six make league playoffs
top two get byes
Caribbean Club Championship berths
Time of Season: unsure!

Last year, this 12-team, league played a double round robin. This year, they’ve just reached that point and are playing on! But it’s not the playoffs.

Currently, this league is seeing a three-horse race for those top two spots. Portmore – which made the Caribbean Club Championships last year – have a narrow lead, but their defense is suspect. Fortunately for them, Mount Pleasant is a small-ball team – don’t score much, don’t concede many.

RESULT: 1-1

Noob is looking for comments on what the interjection means. Actual part of the Academy crest.

Here or @SoccerNoobUSA on Twitter

5. Agoaudo vs. Kourou – French Guiana Division d’Honneur

CONCACAF league rank: top 15
Table positions: #1, #6
Stakes: Caribbean Club Shield berths
Time of season: approaching halfway

French Guiana could send two teams for the Caribbean Club Shield, but is not. Maybe after this season.

Agoaudo are undefeated, lead the next team in the table by nine points. That’s not quite as big a gap as it looks like at first glance. This league awards four points for a win, two for a draw, and one for just showing up. Second-best offense in the league, runaway best D.

Kouro are merely midtable. Noob’s not certain they have the D to maintain a top-half finish in this 12-team league.

Fun Fact: Nearby Agoaudo’s home of Apatou is the Guiana Amazonian Park. Suriname is a French department (state, more or less), and this park is the largest French national park.

6. Moulien vs. USBM – Guadeloupe Division d’Honneur

CONCACAF league rank: top 15
Table positions: #1, #3
Stakes: Caribbean Club Shield
Time of season: halfway

Guadeloupe are sending 2017-18 their champs – Moulien – to the Club Shield, unlike French Guiana. That same club leads the league this year, too, but what a race it looks like so far! They lead the next team in the table by just a point, and three other clubs are within just five points.

Moulien will try to keep the score low. Not that they can’t score well themselves, but #3 (and likely true top threat for the title) USBM prefer a wide-open style themselves, and would play it far better.

RESULT: USBM 0-3 There’s your new league #1! Three teams trail by just a single point in the table.

As a former radio dj, just thought this was cool.

7. St. Paul’s vs. Village Superstars – St. Kitts and Nevis Super League

CONCACAF league rank: top 20
Table positions: #3, #1
Stakes: top 4 make league playoffs
Caribbean Club Shield berths
Time of Season: over 1/3 done

Village Superstars are the defending champions, will play Club Shield. They lead the league this year as well, but their hosts today and Newtown United are going to both be there ’til the end.

These two sport excellent offenses, but lead the league in D. It will be interesting to see what sort of pace St. Paul’s will try and dictate at home.

Fun Fact: St. Paul’s are based out of the town of that name, but play their games in the national capital, Basseterre

RESULT: 1-1

8. Interwillemstad vs. UNDEBA – Curacao Sekshon Paga

CONCACAF league rank: top 20
Table positions: #6, #B
Stakes: top 6 make league playoffs
Caribbean Club Shield berths
Time of season: earlyish

The season looks to only be 18 matches long here in the former Netherlands Antilles. So even at seven matches in, things are looking serious. Unbeaten Scherpenheuvel have opened up a five point lead over UNDEBA. But this is a good matchup for the visitors. They score goals like crazy, but play about no defense. But scoring is exactly where Inter struggles.

Curacao will host the Club Shield. Jong Holland are the defending champs here, but deep down the table this season.

RESULT: Inter 2-1 The winners climb into a three-way tie for 4th place. The losers fall into a tie for #B in the table, six points behind the league leaders.

9. West United vs. Robin Hood – Suriname Topklasse

CONCACAF league rank: top 20
Table positions: #8, #B
Stakes: Caribbean Club Shield berths
Time of season: earlyish

Robin Hood are the defending champs, representing the league in the second-tier Club Shield tournament. They are one of three still undefeated teams here in 2018-19. They trail Leo Victor by four in the table.

The real question in this league would seem to be will Inter Moengotapoe (3^rd place) be able to keep pace? So far offensive numbers say no. But it’s early. They should beat midtable West Utd. in their own house by a couple today.

Fun Fact: West Utd. are from the Coronie District, of which the four towns have fewer than 4,000 people.

RESULT: Robin Hood 2-4

10. Grenades vs. Parham – Antigua and Barbuda Premier

CONCACAF league rank: top 20
Table positions: #3, #5
Stakes: Caribbean Club Shield berths
Time of season: halfway

It may just be the halfway point, but there are also just nine match days remaining. Parham are just five out of the lead, but it feels like they have too many clubs to leapfrog to make a title run.

Grenades are just three back of the defending champs – Hoppers – and have the defense to stay in the race. This could be a tricky home game though. Parham are something of a traditional power here.

RESULT: Grenades 1-0 Grenades climb to #B, Parham slip to 6th.

So long from the Antigua Recreation Ground in St. John’s, home of Grenades F.C.!

Capacity: 12,000

’10 to Track’ Relegation Monday (1/14) matches – more Suckitude than you can handle or deserve!

Monday’s world league scheds are exceptionally light today. So, before we dig into Matches of Suckitude – ones that feature teams about to get Relegated for their poor performances – we start with some match mini-previews of happier import. Enjoy.

1. Manchester City vs. Wolverhampton Wanderers – English Premier League

UEFA league rank: #B
Table positions: #B, #11
Stakes: top 4 go to Champions League
Time of season: middle

The defending runaway champs can retake the league lead today with a win. They’ve reeled off four straight wins since a two-loss speed bump that allowed Liverpool to move into 1^st. The last two of those were by a combined score of 16-0, though over non-Premier foes in Cup tournaments.

Wolves are in 11^th, but would move into the top half of the 20-team table with a draw and jump to 8^th or 7^th with a win. How is a team that was just promoted doing so well? Money infusion from the Chinese conglomerate that bought them. (Thank you to the Bros Talking Soccer podcast guys for the answer to that one on their Slack.) They win with smallish ball – low scores for everyone. It’s not likely to work today…but “defense travels” is an axiom for a reason!

RESULT: City 3-0

B. U.A.E. vs. Thailand – Asian Cup

The Group Stage of Asia’s national team championships is nearly done. The pods of four are playing just a single round robin, all matches in the host Emirates. The top two from each Group automatically advance to the next round. The four best third place finishers will also move on.

U.A.E. have already mathematically advanced. Thailand are tied with India for runners-up, but down to them on head-to-head tiebreaker. The AFC ranks homers U.A.E. #4 and Thailand #8 (FIFA ranks #79 and #118). But no matter – the Thais are so far the best of the third-place sides, are all but certain to advance as well.

RESULT: 1-1 The Thais advance as the Group runners-up!

Number B is back, and the quest to be rid of Number Two in lists is ON.

3. Newtown vs. St. Paul’s – St. Kitts and Nevis Premier

CONCACAF league rank: they don’t really do them
Table positions: #B, #3
Stakes: top 4 play for the title
Time of season: over 1/3 done

Two similar teams chasing Village Superstars for the trophy!

RESULT: 1-1

4 and 5.

Gotta be honest. It’s late here on Sodor where Noob is wintering. Gotta save time for continuing to put together the coming Isle of Sodor Premier League page.

So. The Coppa Italia (FA Cup is in its Round of 16. Also, there’s also a second division Portuguese league match you can Google up, should the Spirit move you.

And now, Matches of Suckitude!

6. Aris Thessaloniki vs. Lamia – Superleague Greece

UEFA league rank: #13
Table positions: #8, #14 (of 16)
Stakes: bottom 3 Relegated
Time of season: middle

Lamia are a fair bit better than the bottom two teams. They are one of three teams realistically trying to stay out of the last Relegation slot. That said, the fourth-to-last place team will play the 4th-place D2 team for the right to play Superleague next year. Lamia can’t score worth a darn, are likely to stay right where they are.

Noob doesn’t think they can even compete for a draw today. Thessaloniki score twice as much, are just as good on D.

RESULT: Thess 1-0

Aaaaand stab yourself in the head.

7. Alki Oroklinis vs. AEL Limassol – Cyprus Premier

UEFA league rank: #18
Table positions: #9, #3 (of 12)
Stakes: bottom half do Relegation playoff
Time of season: middle

Worst offense and defense in the league. How A.O. are higher in the table than three clubs is beyond Noob. They’ll be doing well to keep this to a one-goal loss against the #3 side.

Fun Fact: The team owner re-named the club after a fave of his that had just gone bankrupt and dissolved. What the cuss?

RESULT: AEL L 1-3

8. Hapoel Tel Aviv vs. Maccabi Tel Aviv – Israel Premier

UEFA league ranking: #27
Table positions: #12, #1 (of 14)
Stakes: bottom 8 do Relegation playoffs
Time of season: middle

Side note: This league has dropped a tied-for-worst nine notches in the European rankings this last year.

HTA aren’t likely to escape the Relegation playoffs at season’s end. Their small-ball ways aren’t working out. Ten draws in 17 matches have kept them from the table’s very bottom. And MTA are going to put up with none of their nonsense. Undefeated, best offense and defense in the league.

RESULT: 1-1

We’re not taking you seriously with those stretches, HTA.

Get a Peloton for warmups. Something.

9. Glacis United vs. Boca Juniors – Gibraltar Premier

UEFA league ranking: #51
Table positions: #7, #9 (of 10)
Stakes: last place gets Relegated
Time of season: middle

#51 of 55 leagues? Hey, it’s a rock with about the pop. of Ames, Iowa and they’re not #55. Noob’s actually more impressed that they even have a Second Division to which a team can be sent down.

The 9th-place finisher will have a playoff with the #B from the second tier. I’d say their offense is the worst thing ever, but last place-Lions only have two goals on the entire season to Juniors’ six. Truth be told, Glacis aren’t light years better, but at least they’re not giving up buckets of goals.

Fun Fact: Argentinian Boca Juniors called and they’d like their name back. Like, now.

RESULT: Glacis 6-1

10. Red Star vs. Lens – Ligue 2, France

UEFA league ranking: n/a, second-tier league
Table positions: last, #5
Stakes: bottom 3 get Relegated
Time of season: middle

Two other league clubs are as poor on defense as Red Star, but those play a little to a lot more offense. Red Star might climb to 19^th over no-goals Nancy, but won’t get higher.

Lens are well-enough balanced to stay in the top five and participate in the Promotion Playoffs later, if not so good as to be a threat to the top two and get automatically moved up.

RESULT: 1-0

So long from Saint-Ouen (greater Paris), home of Red Star FC.

HUGE flea market, but is super-“professional”.

’10 to Track’ Globetrotting Friday (1/11) – Liga MX, Asian Up, CAF Champions League lead the way

Noob’s return continues! Last Monday we celebrated Relegation matches of suckitude for the first time since the holidays. Today, we return to our Globetreotting ways. When the biggest leagues provide a little less, we spend our Friday perusing matches far and wide!

Come, Noobites! Let’s discover a world of soccer. As always, we start close to home —

1. Atlas vs. CF America – Liga MX

CONCACAF league rank: doesn’t have ’em, but this is #1
Table position: Apertura #15, #2 and Liguilla winner
Time of season: early

Atlas won their first match of the Clausura (second half-season of the Mexican football year). They needed a hot start after crapping the bed for first half-season. After getting just 11 goals that whole time, they already have two.

This is America’s first match. They’re awesome and will almost certainly perform terrible deeds upon their host tonight. View the carnage at 10:00 PM on Univision Deportes.

Fun Fact: La Barra 51 are Atlas’ primary supporters group, named for 1951 – the last time and I think only time they ever won the top-flight championship.

RESULT: America 1-2

B. Palestine vs. Australia – Asian Cup

This is the quadrennial championship for the AFC. The qualification rounds are done and the Group Stage is at hand. All the remaining matches are being held in U.A.E. Six pods of four teams each each duke it in a round robin out for two slots in the next, bracketed round.

Defending champs Australia (#41 in the world, #2 in the AFC) actually lost their first match. HYOOJ. Jordan also won their second match, so it’s looking like one slot will be theirs.

Palestine are rated the 16th-best national team in Asia, #99 overall by FIFA. They had a scoreless draw with Syria to open this stage.

RESULT: Socceroos 0-3

Image result for letter B sexy

Number B- enticing you to join the question to be done with Number 2.

3. Leeds vs. Derby County – EFL Championship

UEFA league rank: n/a; second-tier league in England
Table positions: #1, #6
Teams promoted: 3
Time of season: middle

Even as only England’s second-highest league, this is probably a top-15 league talent-wise in Europe. The top two teams will be Promoted to Premier League, with the next four having a playoff for one last slot.

Leeds still lead the league, but they’ve allowed it to be a tight race after losing two league matches in a row (and their recent FA Cup match as well). Both were road losses, but six goals conceded is bad against Nottingham and QPR.

Derby have kept their hopes afloat with a lot of draws of late. They don’t appear to have the defense to hold a top-six position, recently or over the season as a whole so far. Noob predicts a shootout today. First one to three goals wins!

RESULT: Leeds 2-0

One of Noob’s all-time favorite crests.

So many design elements here give it a three-dimensional look. This would make a fine ornamental piece.

4. Lobi Stars vs. Mamelodi Sundowns – CAF Champions League

If it seems like the last iteration of this tournament just ended, you’re not wrong. They’re moving from a Feb-Nov. timeframe to an Aug.-May format in 2019. So this 2018-19 version is the tweener, running Dec.-May.

The qualification round is done, and this is the first day of the Group Stage. Four pods of four clubs each compete in a double round robin for two slots each in the next, bracketed round.

Lobi won last year’s Nigerian Premier. This league is ranked #13 in Africa. Just a notch higher and they would’ve qualified the maximum two teams into this event. The Stars’ success is predicated more on defense than scoring.

The Sundowns are one of two teams from the #6-ranked South African Premier. Their league season is about halfway over. They;re in 4^th place, but have 3-4 matches in hand over the teams above them. They’re also undefeated, though with lots of draws. They’re even more defensive-minded than Lobi.

If either teams scores, it will be Mamelodi. They should be considered a 1-2 goal favorite today.

RESULT: Lobi 2-1

Image result for soccer compression socks funny

Soccer compression socks.

5. Mantab vs. Conaree – Saint Kitts and Nevis Premier

CONCACAF league rank: n/a; prolly not in the top few Caribbean ones
Table positions: #8, #5
Clubs relegated: 2
Time of season: over 1/3 done

The winner of this league will probably qualify for the next Caribbean Club Shield – a new second-tier tournament for semi-pro and amateur clubs in that region. But neither of these two are likely to be vying for that.

Conaree aren’t bad, but don’t have the offense to nearly compete for international competition. Mantab are just trying to stay in the country’s top flite. The bottom two here will be demoted to First Division next season. Mantab couldn’t score even with the help of a map to the back of an opponent’s net. They’re above the cutline now, barely, and in real danger.

Fun-nish Fact: Mantab’s home city of Basseterre – the SKN capital – has been destroyed seemingly countless times by war and natural disaster.

RESULT: 1-1

6. Somerset Trojans vs. Robin Hood – Bermuda Premier

CONCACAF league rank: n/a; perhaps a little stronger than SKN
Table positions: last, first
Clubs relegated: 2
Time of season: middle

Undefeated Robin Hood are in a dead heat with Pembroke Hamilton for the league lead, tied on table points and goal differential. Noob tends to favor well-balanced teams like Robin Hood, but P.H. are the defensive stalwarts of the country.

Should be a fabulous title race, especially with wide-open styled X-Roads Warriors close in 3^rd. Noob thinks this is one of the region’s fully professional leagues, which means they’ll be able to send up to two clubs to the Caribbean Club Championship.

Somerset have yet to win their first match. Their stats aren’t much worse than other bottom teams here, but they’re deep in last just the same. Defense is their undoing.

RESULT: Robin Hood 3-5

Image result for somerset bermuda

Forget the footyball!

Noob’s down for learning that.

7. Tefana vs. Central Sport – Tahiti Ligue 1

OFC league ranking: n/a; probably about 4^th INHO
Table positions: #4, #2
Stakes: top four make league playoffs, top two make OFC CL
Time of season: almost halfway

Noob estimates this league’s strength based on guessing that national team and league strength probably corelate with smaller nations like these.

There’s actually a three-way tie for #B right now. Defending champs Central don’t bother with defense so much, but score like gangbusters in league.

Seven of the 10 league teams are very much in the hunt. It will be interesting to see if Tefana cam hang on to a spot. They’re well-balanced, but lack enough on offense to make Noob guess no. Manu Ura, more traditional powers Pirae or both will pass them eventually.

Fun Fact: Tefana are one of two clubs to advance as far as the OFC CL final (2012).

RESULT: 2-2

8. Al Hilal vs. Al Raed – Saudi Pro League

AFC league ranking: #7
Table positions: #1, #9
Stakes: top three make AFC CL
Time of season: middle

It’s not quite a two-horse race in Saudi Arabia, but it’s close to being such. Defending champs Al Hilal should be able to maintain their position atop the table hosting a midtable club.

Al Raed have overachieved to date this season. The second-worst offense in the league should be a lodestone around their necks that drags them down close to, if not into, the Relegation Zone.

RESULT: 1-1

WATCH: Al-Hilal supporters pull off freakishly good Mortal Kombat mosaic

Pretty cool “Mortal Kombat” mosaic the Hilal supporters pulled off.

9. Police vs. AS Kigali – Rwanda Premier

CAF league ranking: unranked
Table positions: #5, #6
Stakes: one berth in CAF CL
Time of season: almost halfway

Rwanda’s top flite may not be ranked at present, but they are slated to be #17 next version! That will still only be good enough for one league berth into the Champions League there though.

These two are all but out of the running. Police are nine points out of first in the table, still have maybe a glimmer of hope. Kigali are three points further back. Too many draws there. But for anyone to catch the top two, someone’s going to have to figure out how to score on them anyway. They’ve combined to allow just seven goals between them all season.

Fun Fact: The Police F.C. manager’s first name is “Innocent”.

RESULT: 2-2

10. Adama Kenema vs. Dire Dawa City – Ethiopia Premier

CAF league ranking: tied for #13
Table positions: #9, #10
Clubs Relegated: 3
Time of season: earlyish

Like aforementioned Nigeria, Ethiopia’s league needs to climb just one more notch in the rankings to earn a second Champions League invitation. Neither of these clubs are likely to be there. They’re below average of the 16, making them slightly more likely candidates to to be Relegated.

Kenema’s going to be the better team, perhaps finish in the top half, given their offense. Dire Dawa will likely stay just where they are, scuffling along as they neither score many goals nor give up too many.

RESULT: Adama 1-0

Image result for adama ethiopia funny

So long from Adama!

Adama University – cool building

’10 to Track’ returns — Relegation Monday! plus CONCACAF and other goodness

After a semi-farewell and long holiday break, Noob returns! Twitter: @SoccernoobUSA

The plan remains to feature exclusive Isle of Sodor Premier League coverage here. Soon! I’m still wintering on Sodor, putting things together, even as the season is half-finished. To get a feel, check out this site’s Page for last summer’s inaugural Isle of Sodor FA Cup.

But I’ve missed doing the near-daily Tracks, previewing the most important matches from the U.S., all CONCACAF, Premier League, continental Europe, and the world!

So for now, I’m bringing back Relegation Monday and Globetrotting Friday – the most unique content I provided. So enjoy! Today, several matches feature teams about to be Relegated, from “important” leagues to those far-flung. Then there’s a few matches of happier import. Dig in.

1. Celta Vigo vs. Athletic Club Bilbao – Spain: La Liga

UEFA League Rank: #1
Table positions: #14, #18 (of 20)
Clubs relegated: 3
Time of season: middle

Noob’s return to at least Tracking on “Relegation Mondays” starts with a realistic upset chance! Athletic have only lost one of their last six matches. I’m not saying they’re storming the league and going to make a move on a midtable position, but only allowing one goal in their last four matches is a big step forward.

Celta Vigo, at home, should be favored. Their goal differential even indicates they may be worthy of a higher table slot. But they’ve not scored in two matches. Noob senses this is a bad matchup for them.

Fun Fact: Bilbao are The Lions. Their stadium was built near a church which was named for Saint Mammes, a Christian saint thrown to the lions. He pacified them.

So they named themselves after tamed animals? Never mind from before. You’re getting Relegated.

RESULT: Athletic 1-2 The Lions climb to 17th place, above the Drop Zone for now

B. Moreirense vs. Aves – Portugal Primeira Liga

UEFA league rank: #7
Table positions: #7, #17 (of 18)
Clubs relegated: 3
Time of season: middle

Aves have the worst defense in the league, and it’s not particularly close. That said, they’ve only allowed one goal in each of their last to matches, against excellent competition. They didn’t win either, though, and haven’t done so since late November.

Moreirense seem to be overcoming a dreadful start to their season when it comes to goal-scoring. They’ve won three of four matches running and scored multiple times in all of them.

RESULT: Moreirense 1-0

Image result for letter B pumped up

The Quest for Number B to displace worn out Number 2 in lists is back on!

Clearly, the people want their Number B.

3. Ermis Aradippou vs. Enosis Paralimni – Cyprus First Division

UEFA League Rank: #18
Table positions: last, second-to-last
# of Clubs Relegated: 1
Time of Season: middle

One of Noob’s first ever Twitter (@SoccernoobUSA) followers is a Cypriot mother of two First Division players. This league will always have a little piece of my heart. Thankfully for Mom, her boys play for far better clubs than these sad sacks!

Aradippou have earned points in just three matches all season so far. They won their last match, but that was in their FA Cup. Against a Second Division club that is considered a “refugee team”. That haven’t played in their home city since the Turkish Invasion of 1974. Aradippou haven’t beaten a league foe since November.

Paralimni have earned draws in their last two league matches, lead Aradippou by five points in the table. Road wins may be tough to come by, but Noob wouldn’t be able to call this in upset even so. Both teams are just so lousy.

RESULT: 0-0 That seems more than fitting

4. Mont Bleu vs. Muungano – DR Congo First Division

CAF league rank: #3
Table positions: #12, last place of 16
Clubs Relegated: 3
Time of season: uncertain

Last season, the Linafoot may only have been about 14 matches. This season, some clubs have already reached 15. The format also seems to have changed from three league divisions to one.

So what does Noob know? That Muungano have won just once and drawn not at all in their 11 outings. This is one of three teams that play far worse defense than everyone else. None of them look likely to climb out of the Drop Zone no matter when the season ends.

Mont Bleu are a bit better on both sides of the ball, though not nearly good enough threaten climbing to midtable.

RESULT: ppd

Image result for OC Muungano

5. Ndanda vs. Ruvu Shooting – Tanzania Premier

CAF league rank: #24
Table positions: #17, #16 (of 20)
Clubs Relegated: 4
Time of season: middle

Ndanda may be on the edge of daylight, but their goal differential is the worst in the league. If they had a strength, maybe they could climb. But they’re bottom-three in both O and D.

Still, a win today would move them above the Cutline (for the moment). Ruvu score a lot more, but sport the league’s worst defense for it. If Ndanda want to prove Noob wrong, this is a home must-win.

Fun Fact: Ndanda’s Nangwanda Sijaona Stadium has a capacity of 15,000.

RESULT: Ruvu 0-1

6. Muslim FC vs. Karachi Port Trust – Pakistan Premier

AFC league rank: #46
Table positions: #11, #13 (of either 14, 15 or 16)
Clubs relegated: 2, 3 or 4
Time of season: very late

The number of league teams is higher now than when it last seemed to have played, in 2014-15. Assuming they’re still playing a double round robin, this season is on the verge of finishing. It started with either 15 or 16 teams. One or two of them aren’t playing for financial reasons. Bottom line is, just 14 appear to be actually playing and two of those will be Relegated.

And so, welcome to the worst-ranked league in Asia! Hey, they’re playing. Love football? Want to see it develop, improve everywhere. Noob’s got your back, Pak.

KPT and one other team are vying to stay in the country’s top flite. Baloch Nushki are playing, but have long since been mathematically cooked. And if it weren’t for Baloch Nushki, KPT would have the worst defense in the league.

Muslim are not much higher, yet appear safe in their position. They play small-ball, neither scoring nor conceding many goals at all. KPT won’t get one on them today, and they will go down a league.

RESULT: Muslim 2-0

KPT FC Logo

We hardly knew ye

7. Rayo Majadahonda vs. Las Palmas – Spain’s Segunda Division

UEFA league rank: n/a – second-tier league
Table positions: #19, #11 (of 22)
Clubs relegated: 4
Time of season: middle

Majadahonda are in a three-way tie for 18^th through 20^th in points in the table. But they’re one of the four worst in goal differential, simply must score more if they want to stay afloat. Try for at least a goal per game, fellas. It’ll work wonders.

Statistically, Las Palmas are perfectly average in every way. Yet strangely, they haven’t won a match since October, mostly achieving draws. High or low-scoring, doesn’t matter. They can’t seal the deal. Look for a 0-0 draw today, and contain your excitement, Noobites 😛

Fun Fact: This is the highest Majadahonda have ever been in the Spanish football pyramid, having just been promoted this year.

RESULT: 0-0

Non-Relegation Matches of Treeemendous Consequence!

OK, might’ve oversold that.

8. Lille vs. Sochaux – Coupe de France

The French FA Cup is in it’s Round of 64. This is the only match for the event today. Lille is the current #B team in Ligue 1, while Sochaux are barely above the Relegation Line in Ligue 2. The only reason this match might not be a blowout for the home side is that Noob’s read this FA Cup is considered by clubs even less important than other top European leagues’ clubs consider theirs, which is so-so at most.

Here’s the link for the event. Hopefully your technology translates it for you readily.

RESULT: Lille 1-0

9. Waterhouse vs. Cavalier – Jamaica Premier

CONCACAF league rank: don’t think they do them; #B Caribbean maybe
Table positions: #B, #3
Stakes: top 6- league playoffs bracket, top 2 get byes
more Stakes Top two will have option to play Caribbean Club Championship.
Time of season: 2/3 through regular season

#1 Portmore and Waterhouse have the offense. Cavalier boasts the top D. Unfortunately for them, Waterhouse is almost as good in that regard. The home team today is probably the most talented in the league.

Even given the relative table positions, a Cavalier win should be considered an upset. But given that they were just promoted to top flite this season, they’re performing incredibly.

RESULT: Cavalier 0-1 So be it – upset! These two are now tied in the table on points. Cavalier is still in 3rd on GD.

10. UNDEBA (Banda Abou) vs. Scherpenheuvel – Curacao Sekshon Paga

CONCACAF league rank: gotta think it wouldn’t be high
Table positions: #3, #1
Stakes: top six make the playoff subdivision
more Stakes at least one club will have option to play in new second-tier 2020 Caribbean Club Shield
Time of season: very early

Welcome to the former Netherlands Antilles! The top at some point the top six will be moved into their own Championship Subdivision. It’s unclear to me if at some point the top four from that will have their own bracketed playoff not. But the season is just a few matches in, so there’s all kinds of time to figure it out.

Scherpenheuvel are undefeated, outscoring opponents 12-1 to date. Banda Abou’s GD is 18-9. Can’t think their lack of defense will serve them well over a full season, but that 3+ goals per game average sure is shiny.

RESULT: 1-1

Image result for stoba goat papaya

Be inspired to find or make some stoba, a traditional stew from these parts.

And be bold! Do the goat with the papaya.

Classic Noob revisited – “We are D-2” / “We Are the World”

Noob is preparing to morph this project into largely exclusive coverage of the inaugural Isle of Sodor Premier League coverage. There will be joy.

In the meantime, please indulge in the D-Twos-Day Interviews. This was the final post in that category (Page on right for all of them).

Welcome, Noobites, to the final 2017 edition of D-Twos-Day Interview. Noob’s had the unparalleled pleasure of interviewing coaches and myriad figures from the part of the soccer world we most celebrate: North American second division leagues!

But one of them, the North American Soccer League, is on its last legs. They need our help! Inspired by the 80’s classic song that raised nearly $150M in 2017-adjusted dollars to aid famine relief in Africa, Noob has gotten together an all-star cast to record a new version of”We Are the World”.

Thank you to all the surviving artists involved with the original for joining us. Special thanks to Dominic Kinnear for not breaking out mid-song into any Rush classic.

And no, Noob has no idea how this will help. But it WILL. And if you don’t get this, go back and check out all the great Interviews! The segment returns in 2018.

Lionel Richie: There comes a time when we heed a certain call
When D-2 must come together as one.
Paul Simon: A tier-two league is dying
And it’s time to lend a hand to NASL
Paul, Kenny Rogers: A soccer gift for all.

Noob: Noob can’t go on pretending day by day
That somehow, some way it’s gonna get saved
Tina Turner: We’re all a part of D-2’s big family
Billy Joel: And the truth, you know,
Noob, Tina, Billy: Is this is all we neeeeeeeed

Choir: We are D-2. We are the coaches
We are the fans, the concerned parties
So let’s keep singing
Diana Ross: It’s a choice we’re making
It’s not just USL
Diana Ross and NASL federal case judge Margo K. Brodie: It takes both leagues to make a better day
Just wait and seeeeeee!

Puerto Rico FC head coach Marco Velez: Thought Noob was my tio, but now I call him Noober
And our lives together are stronger and free
Willie Nelson: As we have shown you, by calling him “asshat”
Willie and Marco Velez: We’re strong. And nothing can defeat us now!
(background: Cyndi Lauper – “but Miami FCeeeeeeee!)

Edmonton FC head coach Colin Miller: Called him the C-word – in Scottish Gaelic
But he mailed me booze, 30 years old
Turns out Noob’s no dick!

(background: Noob – “Could we find a way to rephrase that please?)

New York Cosmos owner Rocco Commisso: D-2 status be damned
Noob agrees with me
It’s true we should just care
About qualiteeee!

L.A. Galaxy asst. coach Dominic Kinnear: When you’re down and out, there seems no hope at all
Huey Lewis: But if you just believe there’s no way we can fall
Cyndi Lauper: Well, well, well! Let’s realize that a change can only come
Huey, Cyndi, Kim Carnes, and OKC Energy ‘Grid’ fan club prez Joseph Pugh: When we stand together as one!
(Joseph Pugh cont.: “WOOO!! Do it, Nooner!)

Choir: They went dark-arts, went Santeria
Burned rabbit bones and burned Pele’s jock
To save our leaaaaague!
Incoming USL club owner Bobby Jones: Noob hates my teams’ name – boring Austin FC.
Jacksonville Armada owner Robert Palmer: At least he didn’t think you were a reincarnated pop-rock arteeeeest.

(key change!)

Choir: We are the fans, the concerned parties
So let’s keep singing
It’s a choice we’re making
It’s not just USL.
It takes both leagues to make a better day
Just wait and seeeeeee!

’10 to Track’ soccer matches previews – just One today – MLS final, Noob bids farewell of a sort

After well over a year of Tracking matches on a daily basis I’ve felt were most important to new American soccer fans like myself, project SoccerNoob in its present form is going on indefinite hiatus.

Thank you to The Management for daring me as a joke to write about the sport I knew least about. To Dan the former Intern-o Inferno, for his hilarious work on image production, support, and understanding I needed to put screen and other fiction writing on hold to learn the discipline to write every single day. I hope your work at the Swedish women’s soccer association continues to go well. And to my young daughter, “PersonNoob”, for writing verses to our silly theme song.

My focus has been on learning leagues and Cup tournaments, both at and close to home and the world over. In talking with many of you, I’ve learned as well about the big players, about how the game itself is played, and why it is such a joy for so much of the world to follow.

In doing it all, I’ve tried adding my own off-kilter brand of humor. Hopefully between that and covering matches from places most U.S. fans don’t read about anywhere, I’ve brought some enjoyment to long-time fans as well.

I’m continuing to winter on the Isle of Sodor, covering matches here. This site will soon be bringing you news and scores from their ongoing, first-ever Premier League. The site may have a new name, in which case soccernoob.com will forward to that. Or I may just keep it right here. And who knows. A podcast has considered! Noob’s not truly disappearing. (God help us.)

For the final Track, no “10”. Just the one. The most important match of the year.