’10 to Track’ – Relegation Monday starts 2018

Glory be!  Noob starts off the new year with with our Monday tradition – celebrating and getting to know teams that are performing so poorly, their leagues will soon give them the heave-ho.

As always, we start off with a few non-Relegation games of import:

  1. Cerezo Osaka vs. Yokohama F. Marinos – Emperor’s Cup (Japan)

RESULT:   Cerezo Osaka 2-1  aet      Congratulations to the cherry blossoms!  Getting the hardware in extra time.

The Final!  Japan’s top league Cup comes down to a one-off between the league’s 3rd and 5th place teams.   Cerezo is better on both sides of the ball, but that just points out tough and gritty Yokohama was winning close games all season.

This game gets held at neutral site Saitama, host city for Noob-fave Urawa Red Diamonds.

Image result for the situation abs

 

“Jersey Shore” star The Situation here.  I may be glorifying my abs, but I’m crying on the inside.  

They can’t have a game in Tokyo’s version of Jersey and not have Urawa playing.  They just can’t.

 

B.  Derby County vs. Sheffield United – English Championship League

RESULT:   1-1      Derby remain in 2nd, Sheffield Utd. slip to 7th

Primo second-tier matchup.   Derby County is in 2nd, one of two in position to be promoted to Premier League automatically at season’s end.  But two teams lurk a just a point behind.

3rd through 6th-place sides qualify for a playoff to determine what third team gets moved up.  Sheffield Utd. are in a dead heat for that last spot right now.

  1. USMM Hadjout vs. RC Oued Rhiou – Algerian FA Cup

A really bad tier-three team hit the road to take on a club Noob thinks is at the same level.   So, get ready to rock out with your Hadjout, Noobites.

RESULT:   Oued Rhiou 1-2      The Fighting Scrabble Vowel-Dumps move on to the round of 32!

Image result for hadj

 

Is someone gonna get on that stage and rock “Freebird”?

  1. Bolton Wanderers vs. Hull City – English Championship League

RESULT:   Bolton   1-0      Wanderers climb out of the Drop Zone

Bolton, are you about to stop sucking?  Three teams will get dropped from this league, and the Wanderers are in that group – but barely.  They’re only behind Sunderland on goal differential, who are above the line.  And this game is winnable, as Hull City is only in 19th.

Fun Fact:   Bolton were also known as “the Trotters”.  One argued derivation is that players used to have to trot through pigpens at their old field when the ball went out of bounds.

  1. Scunthorpe United vs. Bury – League One

RESULT:   Scunthorpe   1-0

Bury is in last place in England’s this tier-league.  And since four clubs will get Dropped into League two, things look dark for them.  A road game at #4 Scunthorpe isn’t going to help them start the new year off right.

Less-than-Fun Fact:  The town Bury used to be known for tripe, the stomachs of farm animals.  As food.  Maybe this is arbitrary of Noob, since we eat other aminal parts, but that’s awful.

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Is this what that Will Smith movie was about?

  1. Ballinamallard United vs. Crusaders – Northern Ireland Premier

RESULT:   Crusaders   0-3

Only one team from this league gets automatically Relegated, and it’s Ballinmallard by a landslide right now.  Crusaders are #2 in the league, just two points out of 1st and the only Champions League berth to be had here.

Fun Fact:  Ballinamallard the village is only an eighth the size of the very close-by town of Ennniskillen.  Despite this, the town’s football club doesn’t appear to be even in the top four levels of Northern Ireland’s pyramid.

  1. Aberystwyth Town vs. Carmarthen Town – Welsh Premier League

RESULT:   Carmarthen   1-2      More Relegation Monday suckcess!  Though they’re still in last

Two teams will get Relegated to one of two lower leagues after this season.  Carmarthen has only half as many wins as the second-to-last club.  Still, if they have any chance of a road win this year, it’s this match.  Aberystwyth is only in 8th.

Fun Fact:  Carmarthen translates to “Merlin’s fort”.  Arthurian legend arguably puts Merlin’s birthplace just outside this town.

Image result for Merlin fort carmarthen

 

“You shall not pass… to that body shop!!”

(Noob’s mixing his wizards and does not care.)

  1. Bnei Sakhnin vs. Maccabi Tel Aviv – Israeli Premier

RESULT:   MTA   0-1

The bottom eight of the 14 teams in this league will play in a Relegation-avoidance tournament at season’s end.  Sakhnin is in 8th, yet they’re too many points down to have a real chance at climbing into the top six.  And they just can’t score.  MTA are in 4th.

Fun Fact:  Sakhnin is the most successful Arab Israeli team in history.

  1. Mwadui vs. Ruvu Shooting – Tanzania Premier

RESULT:   Mwadui   2-1      The winners climb all the way to 9th! 

14th hosts 13th here.  Either of these sides could end up getting the Boot.

  1. Five Islands vs. Empire – Antigua and Barbuda Premier

RESULT:   2-2      Turns out this was played on 12/30

Here, 1st hosts last place.  Empire is one of what look like seven teams that play at the same stadium in St. John’s.

Image result for empire football antigua and barbuda

 

 

Empire Football- the ones with bowling shoes.

’10 to Track’ for wknd 12/30-31 – a double dose of Premier League

The weekend – when 10 to Track gets serious on the league action.  The most important matches of the weekend await us, newish American soccer fans!  Let’s finish 2017 strong, and even with a nostalgia-link at the end.

Saturday, 12/30

  1. Liverpool vs. Leicester City – English Premier League

The EPL sends four teams to Champions League next season.  The two Manchester clubs and Chelsea are going to be there.  The most serious question regards that fourth slot.  Liverpool hold it now, but Burnley and accursed Tottenham are breathing down their necks.

Leicester, meanwhile, sits in 8th.  And a they’re a far cry from 7th, the lowest position in the table that might get a Europa League berth.  They haven’t won in their last three league matches.  The home draw against Man Utd. was solid enough, but the preceding loss to Crystal Palace was putrid.

RESULT:   Liverpool   2-1     They remain in 4th and 8th.  Liverpool gets some breathing room from Tottenham though.

B.  Bristol City vs. Wolverhampton Wanderers – English Championship League

Since scouting this game a few days ago, Bristol have moved up from 4th into a tie for 2nd.  Since Wolverhampton are dominantly in 1st place, we’re treated to the sweetest of matchups!

The top two from ECL are automatically promoted to Premier League at season’s end.  Wolverhampton’s built themselves a nice cushion in the table.  They score more and give up fewer goals than all other league teams.  Meanwhile, Bristol’s in a dogfight for that second slot.

RESULT:   Wolverhampton   1-2

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Hold on, is Billy Zane at least still doing the Georgia Gold commercials?

  1. Inter Milan vs. Lazio – Serie A

Things are tight at the top of this league’s standings.  Lazio still holds the top spot, having lost only once all season.

3rd-place Inter’s lost their last two league matches, plus their Coppa match to AC Milan.  If “the Big Grass Snake” want to stay in the top four and qualify for Champions League next year, they’ve got to start finding the back of the net again.

RESULT:   0-0

  1. Celtic vs. Rangers – Scottish Premiership

Celtic are doing Celtic things again this year.  Score the most, give up the fewest goals.  One loss.  Eight-point lead in the table.  Even with the second-best offense in the league, this may not be close for 3rd-place Rangers.

RESULT:   0-0

Image result for celtic women funny

 

I re-watched your entire series two years ago!  Doesn’t that earn Noob some pants-leeway?

  1. Motagua vs. Real España – Honduras National League

The Apertura Final!   Real topped Motagua 2-0 in the first leg of this postseason championship tournament.  These teams were 2nd and 4th in the league regular season, but nearly identical statistically.  Two goals are a big deficit to overcome in this setting, even at home.

RESULT:   2-1  (aet)    But Real España is the champion!  After 90 minutes, it was Motagua 2-0.  Since that only tied the score on aggregate, they played extra time, where Real scored the only goal.

  1. Caldas vs. Académica – Portugal FA Cup

This is the last match in the Round of 16 for the Taça de Liga.  And we get treated to a Minnow Watch!

Caldas is a middling team from third-tier Campeonato de Portugal.   They’re matched up against a very successful second-tier side in Académica.  Should Caldas win, a Campeonato team will be guaranteed to make the Semifinals.  Fellow league side Farense will get the winner of this match in the Quarters.

RESULT:   Caldas   1-1  /  4-2  pk

Image result for caldas sc 2017 crest

 

 

All those tiny little castles.  Looks like a Lego set.

  1. Feirense vs. Oliveirense – Portugal League Cup

This is not the same event as above.  This, the Taça de Liga, only includes teams from the top two leagues in the nation.  Only the top team from each Group of four in this event will advance.

LigaPro (second-tier) Oliveirense are tied for 1st  in their Group, but they hold the goal differential-tiebreaker.  Win and they’re probably in the Semis.   Stunning, given that they’re having an awful year in their league.   The Primera hosts here need to win big and get some help from another match result.

RESULT:   2-2    And so Oliveirense advance!

Image result for you need help funny

  1. Al Ahly vs. Atletico Madrid – international friendly

Egyptian and Spanish giants face off in a charity match, with the proceeds going to the families of Egyptians killed by terrorist acts.  It’s hard to imagine either team using starters for very long, but “peace against terrorism” as a theme makes this a worthwhile Track for Noob.

RESULT:   Ateltico   2-3

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…for the cause of peace against terrorism.

 

 

Sunday, 12/31

  1. West Bromwich Albion vs. Arsenal – English Premier League

Arsenal is all the way up to a tie for 5th after a poor start to the season, haven’t lost since 12/2.  But only the top four will get into next season’s Champions League.

West Brom have as few losses as 10th-place Watford, yet are in 19th.  Soooo many draws.  They have trouble scoring, but hosting makes this intriguing.  Arsenal don’t play nearly the defense as other clubs near the top of the table.

RESULT:   1-1  

  1. Grenades vs. Parham – Antigua and Barbuda Premier

3rd hosts 2nd place in a paradise.  Here’s what you need to know about Parham FC.  Ah, sweet revisiting of a classic D-Twosday Interview.

RESULT:   Parham   0-1

http://www.soccernoob.com/2017/11/07/d-two-sday-interview-judge-margo-k-brodie-nasl-ruling/

’10 to Track’ for Globetrotting Friday, 12/29 – from Scottish Championship to Syria

TGIGF – Globetrotting Friday descends upon us!  Most days, T2T brings us the “ten most important games” for us, the newish American soccer fans.

Fridays, we take advantage of “big” leagues’ lighter scheds and span the globe!  It’s all first class travel as you and Noob jetset.  Have a complementary mimosa. (We’ll finish with one, too, you’ll see.)

First, we start off with locales somewhat more featured here:

  1. Belenenses vs. Sporting CP – Portugal League Cup

There are two Cup tournaments going on in Portugal right now.   This one – the Taça de Liga – is just for the top two leagues in the country.  The other one – the Taça de Portugal – involves more leagues, is the FA Cup.

This is the last game of the Group Stage for these two.   Only the winner from each Group advances.  Sporting is 1st in this Group of four, only really need a draw to advance.   Belenenses is tied for 2nd with Maritimo.  They must win and outpace Maritimo on goal differential should they also win.

All this said, the hosts would be doing well to even lose by one to league 2nd-place Sporting.

RESULT:   1-1      Sporting advances to the next round.

B.  Iraq vs. Yemen – Arabian Gulf Cup

Reminder:  Eight Gulf area teams, plus Yemen.  Two Groups of four, out of which top two teams advance form the Group Stage.

The teams in this Group have just one game left each.  Iraq is tied with Bahrain for 1st.  With a win or draw, they advance.   Yemen sucks.

RESULT:   Iraq 3-0     and on to the Semis

Image result for Yemen funny

 

Eeeeeeasy, Yemen.   No need to get crazy.

  1. Paykan vs. Pars Jonoubi Jam – Persian Gulf Pro League (Iran)

As yesterday, we have another match featuring a Noob-Adopted team.  Welcome back, Jonoubi Jaaayum!

Three teams from this league qualify for the AFC Champions League next year.  Here, 4th hosts 2nd.  If the hosts control the pace, this will be a low-scoring game.  PJJB plays more wide open.

RESULT:   1-1

  1. Al Nassr vs. Al Ahli – Saudi Pro League

Noob’s also referred to this as “Saudi Premier”.  I think this change is accurate.

3rd hosts 1st place here.  Al Ahli scores like it’s going out of style.  Al Nassr is good, but probably give up too many goals to hang season-long in the top three and get a C.L. berth.

RESULT:   Al Nassr   3-1

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Oh, you wanna dance, Al-Nassr player-guy?!   Let fisticuffs ensue!

  1. St. Mirren vs. Dundee United – Scottish Championship

This might be the first time Noob’s featured a second-tier Scottish match.  Hooray!   We always have room for 1st vs 2nd place.

This is another match where pace-control will determine the winner.  St. Mirren score so much, Noob wonders if they even play a goalie.  Dundee sport the league’s best defense.  And only one team gets promoted to Premier level at season’s end.

RESULT:   St. Mirren   2-0

And now, Noobites, we head off for soccer sites never seen!  OK, occasionally seen.  

  1. Montego Bay United vs. Cavalier – Jamaica Premier

The top six of the twelve make the postseason league playoffs.  These two are in 8th and 5th, respectively.

Fun fact:  Seba United (now Montego Bay Utd.) once won the league championship despite have been docked -20- points.

RESULT:   Cavalier   0-1     and apparently it was mislisted or changed, was played the day before

Image result for montego bay united

  1. Al Taliya vs. Al Ittihad – Syria Premier

This league only sends one to the AFC Champions League next season.  These two are in 4th and 3rd place, but all the teams at the top of the table are close together.  Ittihad only gives up a goal every other game on average.

Fun, Confusing Fact:  Al Taliya are the “Hama Hurricane”.  They’re based in Hama.  The other part is more confusing.

RESULT:   Al Ittihad   0-1

  1. Azam vs. Ndanda – Tanzania Premier

2nd hosts 11th place.

Fun facts:  Azam is one of three major clubs in Dar es Salaam, the largest city in east Africa.  Musiki da wansi is the most traditional style of live music from there.  Enjoy some DDC Mlimani Park Orchestra during your time here with Noob on T2T.

RESULT:    ppd

  1. ESB Besbès vs. US Souf – Algeria Cup

All Noob can tell you about these teams is they’re far enough down the Algerian football pyramid that finding which amateur leagues and levels they’re at eluded Noob’s quick Google efforts.

Perhaps we can get Dan-o “the Intern-o Inferno” to do a deeper dive.

RESULT:   Besbès   1-1   (aet)  /  4-3  pk     So after regulation time it was 0-0.  The both scored once in extra time, then settled it with penalty kicks.

Image result for sleeping on the job

 

When you’re done typing “^OT^UGGOGOU”, perhaps we could talk footyball research?

  1. ASEC Mimosas vs. Sporting Gagnoa – Ivory Coast Ligue 1

For those who would prefer “Côte d’Ivoire”, cram it down your French pastryholes!   Muahahaha.  At least Noob is using “Ligue”.

We finish Friday’s Globetrotting strong, with a 1st vs. 3rd-matchup.  This league will send two side to next year’s CAF Champions League.

Fun facts:   ASEC Mimosas are the defending league champs.  They are named after the plant, not the alcoholic beverage.

RESULT:   Mimosas   3-2

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Noob said, “Cram it!”

And get a real hat.  

’10 to Track’ for T-R, 12/26-28 – your extra helping of Coppa Italia

One needs no gift receipt when it’s the ten most important soccer games for us, the newish American fans.  Size ten fits all Noobites perfectly.

Noob’s continuing the holiday season format, combining three days into one satisfying T2T.

Tuesday, 12/26

  1. Manchester United vs. Burnley – English Premier

Man Utd now trails their crosstown City rivals by a staggering 13 points in the table.   They can handle 7th-place Burnley at home – if they can score.  That’s always the issue facing Burnley, who don’t score and let others score even less.

RESULT:   2-2

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Cartoon memes sting worst, because of the lack of fingers.

B.  Anderlecht vs. Gent – Belgium First Division A

3rd faces 4th place here.   It’s surprising Gent isn’t ahead of them, as they’re much better defensively.

In fact, Noobstradamus has had a surreal vision!   I was gorging on a sequoia-sized la buche de noel in my dream-roofless house.  On the tv, St. Nicholas and Pere Noel were engaged in a vicious cage match.  Old Nick was cursing wildly in Walloon and smashing his foe with a tinsel-bestrewn folding chair.

Just as my sugar rush was hitting its peak, the tv ticker scrolled that Anderlecht football was overrated.  I knew then then that Gent would prevail.  Road upset, 1-2.

RESULT:   Anderlecht   1-0     Noobstradamus blames the fungal dessert.

Image result for la buche de noel

 

The ‘shrooms are an odd touch.  Unless they’re hallucinogenic.

  1. Lazio vs. Fiorentina – Coppa Italia

Italy’s FA Cup has reached its Quarterfinals, and this is a truly intriguing match.

Lazio is in 5th place in Serie A, just outside the berths for next year’s Champions League.  Will be they be focused on the Coppa. Using all their starters?   8th-place Fiorentina will, and they haven’t lost in a month and a half.  Noobstradamus is calling this one in favor of Florence’s Lillies, 0-1.

RESULT:   Lazio   1-0       The NORAD tracking Santa screwed up my prognostication reception.

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I spy -with my Forrest Whitaker eye – an upset!

  1. Crusaders vs. Cliftonville – Northern Ireland Premier

Crusaders are tied for 2nd place, but only one team from this league qualifies for Champions League. Cliftonville has slipped to 5th.  Crusaders score an astounding three goals per game, so this should be an entertaining one.

RESULT:    Crusaders   2-0

  1. Iraq vs. Qatar – Arabian Gulf Cup

In this tournament, the eight teams are divided into two Groups of four.  The teams in each Group will only play each other once in this Stage.  The top two in each Group will advance.

And Qatar won their first game, so that’s HYOOJ.  Iraq, which on paper is the better team, earned a tie in theirs.

RESULT:   Iraq   1-0       Iraq and Bahrain are tied atop the Group with a game to go.  Qatar is a point behind them in the table.

Wednesday, 12/27

  1. AC Milan vs. Inter Milan – Coppa Italia

AC Milan is struggling mightily in Serie A this season, in 11th.  Internazionale is up in 3rd.  Noob will be very curious to see if home pitch advantage means just a little or a whole lot when it’s an intracity rivalry.  Quarterfinal match.

RESULT:   AC Milan   1-0  (AET)

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Fake news.  We knew it had to be happening somewhere.

 

 

 

Thursday, 12/28

  1. Saudi Arabia vs. Oman – Arabian Gulf Cup

The teams in this Group have already played two matches each, so this is the last one.

Saudi Arabia and U.A.E. each have four points.  Oman trails them by a point, so they need to win, hope U.A.E. doesn’t beat host country Kuwait’s team.  Which they will.  But still.

RESULT:   Oman   0-1    Upset in Kuwait, and the Omani are through to the next round!   The Saudis are out.

  1. Difaa Al Jadida vs. Hassania Agadir – Morocco Botola Pro

They’re a dozen games or so into this league season, and only two teams are truly out of it.  These two are 4th and 1st place, respectively.  El Jadida are bit slack on the defensive side of the ball.  It’s hard to call #1 winning an upset, but this would be a big road win for Agadir.

RESULT:   El Jadida   1-0

Image result for Morocco football meme

 

Ehhhhverybody thinks Noob is mentally unsettled.

But I don’t make these things.  Just find ’em.

  1. US Monastir vs. CS Sfaxien – Tunisia Ligue 1

Sfaxien is the only team with a realistic chance of catching #1 Esperance, five points behind them.  Monastir is one of two teams five points farther back.  If they want to move up, they’ll likely have to up their goal-scoring a notch.

RESULT:   Monastir   1-0        This one was actually played yesterday.

  1. Jamshedpur vs. Chennaiyin – Indian Super League

It’s been a bit since Noob’s featured Indian football, so a quick note.  There are two “level one” leagues in India, this one and the I-League.  This one does not do promotion/relegation.  It is formed on a more “franchise mode”, much like the U.S. and Australia.

Noob is Adopting Jamshedpur as his own!  They – like all teams with “jam” in the name – will be part of the Noob fave-family.   Jaaaayyyyyyum!

But wow do they not seem exciting to watch live.  In six games, they’ve scored twice and allowed one goal.  They’re in 6th.   Channaiyin are #1.

Chennaiyin   0-1

Image result for hot damn this is my jam

10 to Track for Christmas – Relegation Monday!

You’d better watch out, and crying is optional – Santa Noob has come to town!   Just because most of the Western world is off from footyball, that doesn’t mean there aren’t games for us to Track.

Relegation Monday!  Our celebration of teams that might get demoted out of their current leagues by season’s ends.  Let’s get to know them before they are Dropped into soccer oblivion.

As always, we first start with some games of import that aren’t Relegation-related.

  1. U.A.E. vs. Saudi Arabia – Arabian Gulf Gup

Reminder:   This event is seven Gulf national teams, plus Yemen.  Two Groups of four, top two finishers advance from each.

These two each won their first match.  No surprise, given they are the most highly FIFA-ranked teams in this tournament (#73 and #63 respectively).  It’s likely both will advance out of the Group, but finishing 1st versus 2nd probably matters for the next round’s seeding.

RESULT:   0-0

B.  Kuwait vs. Oman – Arabian Gulf Cup

#189 and #101.  Oman should have the better shot at passing one of the above two should slip up.

RESULT:   Oman   0-1

Image result for soccer slip up funny

 

Giant soccer ball slip and slide.

Noob doesn’t get it.  But Noob doesn’t need to.

  1. Jordan vs. Libya – international friendly

Nothing directly at stake in this one.  But on 12/25, this is where the footyball is being played.  We track with joy!

RESULT:   1-1

  1. Southern District vs. Eastern – Hong Kong Senior Shield

This is Hong Kong’s FA Cup, though it’s just teams from their Premier League.  These are the league’s 5th and 6th place teams presently.  This is a Semifinal.  The winner will face off against league 9th-place club Yuen Long.

RESULT:   Eastern   0-1

Image result for football southern district hong kong   Image result for football southern district hong kong

  1. Al-Shorta vs. Naft Al-Wasat – Iraqi Premier

They’re only a few games into this league’s season, but Al-Shorta is one of three still undefeated.  The Al-Wasat “Euphrates Nightingales” are in 5th.

RESULT:     ppd

  1. Karbalaa vs. Amanat Baghdad – Iraqi Premier

Welcome to Relegation Monday, Karbalaa!   Noob has a feeling we’ll be seeing you again.   0-0-6.  One goal scored in those matches.  Given up 16.   Yep, we’re going to be best friends.  Amanat is in 7th.

Fun(?) fact:  According to Shi’ites, the translation of the city name Karbalaa is “land which will cause many agonies” and “afflictions”.

RESULT:     ppd

Image result for karbala real estate

 

How far does the price on even a mansion get knocked down in the City of Agonies and Affliction?

  1. Naft Al-Janoob vs. Al-Sinaat Al-Kahrabaiya – Iraqi Premier

JaNOOB!    Adopted!  We have an Iraqi fave.

This league demotes two clubs to Division One annually.  Al-Sinaat sits in the second-to-last position.  They have a more favorable matchup today than their Relegation Zone playmates above though.  Al-Janoob is in just 15th.

Fun fact:  Al-Sinaat is owned by the Ministry of Industry and Minerals.

RESULT:      ppd

  1. El Geish vs. Al-Ittihad Al-Sakandary – Egypt Premier

The Egyptian Premier League Relegates three sides at each season’s end to the Second Division.  Due to being on the wrong side of a tiebreaker, Ittihad is on top of the trio staring at the Drop.  El Geish is in 12th place.

Fun fact:   Ittihad plays in the Alexandra area.  The stadium is named after the town, Borg el-Arab, which seats 86,000.

RESULT:   o-o

Image result for borg star trek soccer

 

1)  86,000 fans would disagree.

2)  Strangely, this actress is more attractive as a Klingon than out of costume.

  1. Hapoel Be’er Sheva vs. Macabbi Haifa – Israeli Premier

The top six in this league play a postseason championship.  The bottom eight will all play in a Relegation-avoidance tournament at season’s end.

More points separate 6th and 7th place in the table than between 1st and 6th.  The difference between the two groups is much more pronounced on offense than defense.  M.H. will need to score early and often against 2nd-place Be’er to have a shot.

Fun fact:   It would really be something if M.H. were to be Relegated.  The “Green Locomotive” are one of the historical four powerhouses in Israeli football.

RESULT:   HBS   2-0

  1. Hapoel Katamon Jerusalem vs. Hapoel Ramat Gan – Israeli Liga Leumit

Noob saw there was a little room left at the top of your Christmas stocking, correctly deduced could squeeze in a second-tier league match.  And yes, I realize that mixing a Christmas reference with Israeli football is odd.   Read the archives, Noobites.   Stick around a while.  This won’t budge the weird needle.

This league has 16 clubs which will split evenly after the regular season into Promotion and Relegation playoffs.  Ramat Gan are in 12th, courtesy of not being able to find the back of the net much.   3rd-place Katamon sports the league’s best defense.

Fun fact:  Ramat Gan is a city east of Tel Aviv, and is where the club plays.   But the full, official name of the club includes another area city – Givatayim.

RESULT:   Ramat Gan   0-1      It’s an Xmas miracle… sort of? in Israel!   Ramat Gan pulls the upset.

Image result for Jewish Christmas stocking funny

10 to Track for wknd 12/23 – “keep Premier’s Tottenham down!” edition

Noob’s holiday season format continues, combining the weekend into one glorious T2T.  Cower at its awesomeness and might!

Saturday, 12/23

  1. Burnley vs. Tottenham Hotspur – English Premier

It was an early Christmas for Noob this past week!   Deplorable Tottenham lost, and they were subsequently passed by enough teams to put them in 7th.   The work isn’t done, though, my EPL cousins!  Those named for the traitor Harry Percy must be kept down, in their rightful place.

Burnley continue to be successful with defense.   But they get goals at barely more than a third the rate of league leader Man City.  Hotspur doesn’t generate enough offense for a club with hopes of re-climbing back into postseason, Euro-league position.

Telemundo yourself at 12:30 PM ET.

RESULT:   Tottenham   0-3      Ugh!   Hotspur to a tie for 5th, Burnley down to 7th.

Image result for telemundo meme

 

I’ve forgotten more Spanish then I know!   Should I be fearful??  Why are we shouting?!

B.  Real Madrid vs. Barcelona – La Liga

It feels so strange to be typing this, but 4th-place Real Madrid have a better chance of falling out of the top four (and a Champions League berth) than they do of catching 1st-place Barcelona. Real are the two-time defending world champs and Champions League champs.  That’s a lot of champ-ing.

Real wins by an average of just over one goal per game, yet Barcelona nearly doubles that.  Noob’s calling this match a toss-up with Real hosting.

RESULT:   Barcelona   0-3

  1. Juventus vs. AS Roma – Serie A

Italy’s remains the most competitive league, with no two teams separated by more than four points outside of 1st-place Napoli and #2 Juve (discounting last-place Benevento).   AS Roma is in 4th.  The ordinal rankings mean almost nothing right now, and that’s beautiful.

That said, Roma’s worked hard to get into a top-four, Champions League slot in the table.   After a horrendous league start, they’ve not lost in nine straight matches.  They’re the league’s best defense, just had to work out some kinks in the other team’s third apparently.

This one’s yours on beIN Sports at 2:45 PM ET, Noobites.

RESULT:   Juve   1-0    They’re 2nd and 4th place slots were maintained.

  1. Celtic vs. Aberdeen – Scottish Premier

#1 hosts #2.  Haggis for everyone at Noob’s!  You’re welcome.

Celtic has the league’s best offense and defense.  Rumors circulate every so often about them joining the English Premier League.  A or the problem seems to be that they would actually have to start a few levels down on the pyramid and earn their way to Premier.   Smells like a money issue.

RESULT:   Celtic   3-0

Image result for smells like money

 

Why, what stripper orifice have those benjamins been in?

  1. Herediano vs. Perez Zeledon – Costa Rica Premier

It’s the second leg of the Final!   More specifically, the second game in deciding the Apertura (first half-season) champion.

Herediano got here my finishing atop the Apertura regular season table.   Pereze Zeledon earned their place by placing 1st in the postseason Quadrangular tournament.  PZ won the first match 1-0.   Still, don’t bet against “the Red and Yellowish” (not yellow, yellowish?) at home.

RESULT:   0-0      And so, Perez Zeledon  win the tie 1-0 on aggregrate – champions!

Image result for yellowish funny

 

Why are you weighing in on this?  This makes no sense.

  1. Yokohama F. Marinos vs. Kashiwa Reysol – Emperor’s Cup

This is a Semifinal in Japan’s postseason league tournament.  The winners get league 3rd-place finisher Cerezo Osaka in the Final.  Noob will have more at the Final.

RESULT:   Yokohama   2-1

  1. Bahrain vs. Iraq – Arabian Gulf Cup (in Kuwait)

If you follow Noob with regularity, please forgive the repetition.  This annual event features seven Gulf Coast teams, plus Yemen.   They’re divided into Groups of four, with the top two placers from each advancing.   This is the first match for these national teams.

As one would expect given the relative populations of the countries, Iraq carries the shinier FIFA-ranking.  Bahrain will be doing well to keep things within a goal.

RESULT:   1-1

  1. Esperance vs. CS Sfaxien – Tunisia Ligue 1

Tunisia, you know how Noob feels about you.  The new Star Wars movie coming out just serves as a reminder of your unforgivable sin.  But your league is featuring undefeated #1 hosting #2.  You will not be ignored.

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for abandoned star wars set tunisia   My Star Wars city in ruins. 

  1. Ittihad Tanger vs. Difaa El Jadida – Morocco Botola Pro

It’s 4th vs. 2nd in a darn good African League.   This one sends two clubs to the CAF Champions League.

It feels extra important to stock up on points in the table now.  Last year’s C.L. champ, Wydad Casablanca, is down in the table mostly by virtue of having played four fewer matches than most teams so far.  They’ll come mess things up at the top before too long.

RESULT:    ppd

Sunday, 12/24

10.  Foolad Khuzestan vs. Perspolis – Persian Gulf Pro League (Iran)

Persepolis is seven points up on the pack.  3rd-place Foolad gives up twice as many goals and doesn’t score nearly enough to likely keep up with the league powerhouse, even at home.

Still, Foolad are “the Men of Steel”, and an Amuricuhn sounding nickname like should always put fear in opponents’ hearts.

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for Arab superman

 

Be afraid!   He has…tree powers…

’10 to Track’- Fri 12/21 – Premier League soccer to hitting on Betty White

TGIGF — Thank goodness it’s Globetrotting Friday!  With T2T, Noob daily points out the best matchups from top leagues of the world.  They glisten like dewdrops on a spring morn.

Fridays, we wax a different kind of poetically.  With “big leagues” not offering as much, we go in search of diamonds in the rough.  Noob always starts us off with more familiar locales, but then we jet off to parts less known and heralded.

Come, Noobites, let’s safari into the footyball jungle.

  1. Arsenal vs. Liverpool – English Premier

EPL sends its top four to next year’s Champions League.  With Manchester City nearly running away with the title now, top four is the goal.

These two are in 5th and 4th place respectively, separated by just one point in the table.  Arsenal haven’t lost in their last four league matches, but Liverpool better than doubles that.

There’s a rumor that the winners will get to feast on unlimited figgy pudding.   That rumor exists because Noob just started it.

RESULT:   3-3

Image result for world record figgy pudding

 

We don’t need no water, let the figgy pudding burn.

 

Burn figgy pudding, burn.

 

B.  Vitoria de Setubal vs. Braga – Portugal League Cup

The remaining 16 teams in this event are divided into Groups of four, where they play a round-robin.  Only the winners of each Group advance.

Even though they’ve only played one of their three games, if VdS can win today, they win their Group.  This would be a nice salve on a awful league season.  They’re in dead last.   Braga is in 4th in the Primeira Liga.

RESULT:    Setubal   2-1      VdS will advance!

  1. Lugo vs. Rayo Vallecano – Spain Segunda Division

4th place hosts 5th in Spain’s second division.   The top two from this league are automatically promoted to La Liga.  The next four play in a mini-tournament for a promotion.

The top seven in this league are in an absolute dogfight in the table.  Just second division?  Sure.   But the chance to get moved up into arguably the world’s best league make this intense.

Fun(ny) fact:  Lugo is nicknamed O xogo bonito – “the Beautiful Game”.  You know, what soccer itself is nicknamed.  Noob thinks you need to be a LOT higher in world stature to hold that moniker down.

RESULT:   Vallecano   1-2

Image result for bad nickname funny

 

Betty!!  

(Care to “Track Noob’s ten”?)

 

  1. Telstar vs. De Graafschap – Dutch Eerste Divisie

This Netherlands league only auto-promotes its champion into the top tier, the Eredivisie.   Eight teams from here, plus to in the top-flight, have a postseason playoff to see which two teams move/stay up.

These two are in good shape so far, in 4th and 5th place.  More, one of the teams ahead of them is an ineligible-for-promotion reserve team.   Telstar actually have a negative goal differential, however, could be a candidate to start falling.   Noobstradamus smells a road win in the works.

RESULT:   Telstar   3-2

  1. Cerezo Osaka vs. Vissel Kobe – Japan Emperor’s Cup

This is essentially Japan’s FA Cup, and it has reached the Semifinals.

Presumably C.Osaka is hosting by virtue of its higher league finish this season (3rd).  Kobe finished in 9th, so this has been a surprising run for them.  It likely ends here.  The hosts were better in league by nearly a goal per game, and beat them 3-1 a month ago.

RESULT:   Cerezo   1-3 (AET)     What a match!   Each team scored in at 90′, and then C.Osaka added two more in extra time.

Image result for beat you again

  1. Kuwait vs. Saudi Arabia – Arabian Gulf Cup

Noob previously labeled this “Gulf Cup of Nations”.  The above appears to be the more official name.  This confederation includes seven Gulf nations, plus Yemen.  The event is just starting its Group Stage – two groups of four each.  The top two finishers from each will advance.

After much political to-do, they finally decided to hold it in Kuwait this year.   Despite getting to play this match at home, Kuwait is in trouble here.  They are three times farther down the FIFA rankings than the Saudis.

RESULT:   Saudi Arabia   1-2

  1. United Arab Emirates vs. Oman – Arabian Gulf Cup

UAE should definitely be favored, but this one should at least be more competitive.  They are FIFA-ranked #73 and #101 respectively.

RESULT:   UAE   1-0

Image result for oman funny

 

 

 

With some sports, everyone’s a loser.

 

 

  1. Pirae vs. Dragon – Tahiti Ligue 1

Yep!   They run around and sweat profusely, even in paradise.  This match up features #2 hosting #1.  Looking at GD and with Pirae hosting, this looks to be a very even matchup.  Dragon lights it up, scoring at a four games per goal pace.   I don’t care what nation league it’s in, that’s incredible.

Fun fact:   Pirae were the first French Polynesia Club to ever win the OCF (Oceania) Champions League, back in ’06.

RESULT:   Dragon   2-5

Image result for tahiti soccer

 

The only soccer that should be allowed in Tahiti.  

 

  1. Jinja SSS vs. SC Villa – Uganda Super League

This doesn’t seem to be a very high-scoring league.   Villa is on top of the table, but doesn’t average even two goals per contest.   Jinja sits in 9th.

Fun Fact:  The city of Jinja’s largest employer is a sugar works (Kakira).

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for kakira sugar works

  1. Kamza vs. Flamurtari – Albania Superliga

Back to Europe to close things out!   Noob’s initial scouting had included an Egyptian Premier match, but ENPPI fell too far in the standings for me to give a poop about them now.  Be gone, “the Petroleum Team”!

League #3 hosts #5.  Skënderbeu Korçë is running away with the leagues one Champions League berth.   The Europa League slot the 2nd and 3rd place teams will get an open race though.   Kamza was just promoted from the second-tier First Division last year, so they’re doing well to just be two points out of one of those.

RESULT:   Flamurtari   0-3

Image result for can't unseeNo kidding.  Noob Googled “Team Petroleum”.  

Judgement error.

Midweek ’10 to Track’ – three days of perfectly-mixed league and Cup matches

What is T2T?  The ten goldarn best, most important matches to follow for us, the newish American soccer fans.   And let more-seasoned fans fear us, Noobites!   We’ll end up more knowledgeable than they.  Muahaha.

Relegation Monday was a sweet success, as we witnessed two mighty league upsets.  But now Noob returns us to our regularly scheduled, traditionally-“important” games for Tue-Thurs.

Tuesday, 12/19

  1. Leicester City vs. Manchester City – EFL Cup

So many Cups!   Fear not, Noobites.  This is a safe place.   EFL Cup is one vied for by just the top four tiers in the English football pyramid. It is also often referred to by its sponsor name, “The Carabao Cup”.  Easy peasy.

This year’s is now in the Quarterfinals.   Leicester’s been making moves up the Premier League table in recent weeks, but no one’s been a match for Man City all year.  If L.C. hopes to catch they’re guests napping, they’ll still need to shore up their very dodgy defense.

RESULT:   Man City   1-1  /  3-4 pk

B.  Carlisle United vs. Gillingham – English FA Cup

The FA Cup is the most popular one.  Teams all the way down to the 20th level have been competing.  This one’s in its Second Round Proper (Proper referring to the stage when Premier League teams start playing this even).

This is a Replay.  These two faced off about a week ago and had a 1-1 draw at tier-three Gillingham.  Rather than settle it with penalty kicks, they play again.  But this time, it’s at the tier-four side’s place.   Either way, we’re treated to a Minnow (over-achieving lower-tiered team) in the next Round.

RESULT:    Carlisle   3-1       The tier-four side is through to the Round of 64!

Image result for carlisle united funny

 

 

Those bend-y lights and giant soccer ball are pretty humorous.

  1. Paderborn vs. Ingolstadt – DFB Pokal (German FA Cup)

Round of 16 time.  3. Bundesliga (third tier) Paderborn is your Minnow, facing a top-flight team.

Paderborn have been as high as 2. Bundesliga as recently as two seasons ago.  They would’ve been Relegated last season into the tier-four Regional Leagues, but a team from 2. Bundesliga was sent down two levels instead.  Probably for naughtiness.

RESULT:   Paderborn   1-0      Minnow success!   

Wednesday, 12/20

  1. Bristol Rovers vs. Manchester United – EFL Cup

Bristol is the only non-Premier League team left alive here in the Quarterfinals.  They’re’ in 3rd place in the ECL (English second tier), but facing a Man club is another universe.

RESULT:   Bristol 2-1      Upset!  The Championship League team is through!

Image result for another universe funny

 

 

Wouldn’t you love to see someone try diving into that and finding a stud?

  1. AS Monaco vs. Rennes – Ligue 1

2nd place hosts 7th here.  This one is closer-looking in the table than it will be on the field.  Rennes is having a .500 year.  Monaco is tied for 2nd with Lyon, but nine points in back of Paris-Saint-Germain.  If they dream of a title push, they know they must lock down home games like these.

RESULT:   Monaco   2-1

  1. AS Roma vs. Torino – Coppa Italia (FA Cup)

Italy doesn’t appear to do a random draw for who hosts during the bracketed portion of its FA Cup.  They’re down to 16 teams, and the eight good Serie A teams all get to host these elimination matches.

This game match has at least a fair chance of us seeing an upset.  Torino is in 10th in league play, Roma in 4th.  Roma have given up the fewest goals in league, just ten in 16 games.

RESULT:   Torino   1-2      Best chance realized – upset!

Image result for Torino football funny

 

Utter fear, mild surprise, and– whatever that is…

Torino football fever!

  1. Anorthosis vs. APOEL Nicosia – Cyprus First Division

APOEL is a name tenured Noobites may recognize.   They competed in the Champions League Group Stage.  They didn’t advance, but weren’t expected to.   If they want to make it again next year, they have some work to do, being in 4th place currently.   But they’ve played fewer league games because of their international play, so even travelling to #1 and undefeated Anorthosis isn’t too bleak a prospect.

RESULT:   APOEL   0-3

  1. Union Española vs. Universidad de Concepcion – Chile Premier

The Chilean format is a little blurry for Noob, but we can get this down to brass tacks.   This is the second match of a Runners-Up Playoff for a spot in next year’s Copa Libertadores.   Concepcion had the best second half record of all teams not already qualified for CL next year.   Española had the second-best record for the overall season (and perhaps second-best in the Apertura/first half-season).

It’s two pretty good teams that didn’t quite qualify in other ways for C.L.   There!   Much easier.  Concepcion won the first match of this two-legged tie 1-0.

RESULT:   Concepcion   1-2      And they win on aggregate 3-1, on to next year’s Copa Libertadores!

Image result for clarity in communication funny

Thursday, 12/21

  1. Monterrey vs. Pachuca – Apertura 2017 Copa MX

If this event seems familiar, it may be because it started all the way back in July.  The big earthquake derailed football there for a time.

Mexico is a country that basically plays two FA Cups per season.  Each only involves teams from the top two leagues.

This is a one-off match for the Apertura (first half-season) Copa title, and fittingly between the top league #1 and #2 sides.   Monterrey’s been dominant in league, but Pachuca has been demolishing opponents in this tournament.  Can they go into the lion’s den and rip away the trophy?

RESULT:   Monterrey   1-0      The favorites have done it – Apertura Copa MX chamPEEEEEENS!

  1. Gent vs. Sporting Charleroi – Belgium First Division A

This league likely only gets two berths in next year’s Champions League.  The top six teams here make the league playoffs.

Gent have an excellent goal differential, but apparently have been winning big but losing close, as they’re just in 5th place.   Charleroi won’t catch Club Brugge for the #1 seed, but a big road win would gain them a firmer grip on the #2.

RESULT:   Gent   1-0       Gent move up to 4th place.

Image result for grip strength exercises funny

 

Step 1.)  Do steps 2-4 for a LONG time BEFORE picking up a baby.

10 to Track – Monday’s celebration of Relegation

This weekend was a veritable feast of soccer., rich and intoxicating.  Championships abounded!   Monday’s are lighter in the schedule, and our “ten most important games” take a left turn.

Monday’s, we celebrate the downtrodden, the overmatched, those who may be at their seasons’ ends…Relegated.  (dunhduhn DUUUHHNNNN!).  Let’s Track some of these sad sacks before they disappear to second divisions.  Who knows, maybe even witness a mighty upset or two!

First, Noob’s non-relegation portion of today’s Tracking:

  1. Khoneh Be Khoneh vs. Gostaresh Foolad – Hazfi Cup (Iran FA)

I wonder if there’s a Noob from that part of the world, who finds our clubs’ names delicious and fun.  OK, wondering complete.  Probably not.  It’s for the best, really.

This national Cup tournament is in its Quarterfinals.  With FA Cups, much of the fun is looking for “minows” – teams from lower ranks that make deep, surprising runs.

K.B.K. is a darn good second-tier team, from the Azadegan League.  Since they got the draw to play at home, they might have a real shot against top tier but only 9th-place G.F.

RESULT:   Khoneh Be Khoneh   2-0    Minnow upset!  

All right, enough of that – release the possible to probable relegateeees!

B.  Everton vs. Swansea City – English Premier

Last place Swansea City got their first win in ages about a week ago against West Brom.  Then they hosted league buzzsaw Man City.

10th-place Everton haven’t lost in four matches, overcoming a terrible start to the year to get back to the top half of the table.  They shouldn’t have trouble keeping a clean sheet (allowing no goals) against Swansea.

RESULT:   Everton   3-1      No clean sheet after all, but a come from behind win.

Image result for swansea city funny

  1. Malaga vs. Real Betis – La Liga

Malaga’s in second-to-last, but have shown signs of life of late, not losing two matches in a row.  Real Betis is trending the opposite direction with three consecutive losses.  A win here wouldn’t pull Malaga out of the Relegation Zone, but they’d at least be the top of that three-team heap.

RESULT:   Real Betis   0-2

  1. Moreirense vs. Victoria de Guimaraes – Portuguese Liga

Moreirense’s been playing pretty good ball!…in the League Cup, against plenty of non-Premier competition.  Still, that’s better than nothing.  They’ve won but one league match, and that was back in September.

VdG isn’t likely to see a European League (Champions, Europa) berth by season’s end, but they’re better than average and riding a three-game league win streak.

RESULT:   Moreirense   2-1      It’s football Festivus miracle!

Image result for average is funny funny

  1. Fenerbahce vs. Karabukspor – Turkey Super Lig

Welcome back, Karabukspor!   Still in last place.  Noob’s going to have to start charging you rent.  You’re not close to climbing even a notch in the table.  Things are not about to get better, either.

Fenerbahce is in 5th  after ten straight matches without suffering a loss.  This league’s race is super-tight, so they won’t be sleeping on you.

RESULT:   Fenerbahce   2-0

  1. Gornick Zabrze vs. Cracovia – Poland Ekstraklasa

Cracovia won’t be able to stop 3rd-place G.Z. from scoring.  Better teams haven’t.  Still, it should be an entertaining match for those who can watch it.  Zabrze doesn’t bother much with defense, and Cracovia scores pretty well for a team in second-to-last anyway.

RESULT:   Cracovia   0-4      Not a typo.  Wowzerz.

Image result for Gornik Zabrze

He’s back.  Can anyone stop…ummm…

Super-Zabrze Guy!

  1. FC Voluntari vs. Sepsi OSK – Romania Liga I

Eight of this league’s 14 teams play the second part of the season divided into two groups.  The top six play for the title, the others play to try and avoid getting demoted a league.

Sepsi is bad enough that with four matches to go, they’ve mathematically guaranteed themselves a position in the latter.  Voluntari would about have to run the table to make the championship grouping themselves.  Still, they are a lot better on both sides of the ball and a loss would be a stark upset.

RESULT:   Voluntari   3-0

  1. Lens vs. Tours – French Ligue 2

The second-to-last team in the table as more than twice has many points as Tours.  They’re headed to tier-three Championnat National, make no mistake.  Even at fourth-to -last Lens, they’re odds are terrible.  Lens has a goal differential that would usually have them halfway up the table.   They’ll be climbing.

RESULT:   Lens   2-0

Image result for logo domino's ligue 2Yup, Dominos is this league’s title sponsor.

 

“Get the door — it’s mediocre French footyball.”

  1. Alki Oroklini vs. Pafos FC – Cypriot First Division

In Cyprus, the bottom two teams are automatically Relegated.  The next six play in a Relegation avoidance tournament.  Neither of these sides are in real danger of sinking to the absolute bottom,  Pafos can in fact still see daylight, have a chance at the top six and playing (in theory) for the league title.

These two are just about the worst offenses in the league.  Track?  You betcha, on a Monday.  Try to find it on satellite TV somewhere, somehow?

RESULT:   A.O.   2-1

Image result for not on your life

  1. Al Nasr vs. Al Masry – Egypt Premier

Al Nasr is the best of three teams in the Relegation Zone here.  Al Masry’s in 3rd place.   Looking at the table, it appears Egyptian clubs play conservatively, defensively,  There’s just not a ton of difference between most of them statistically.

RESULT:   Al-Masry   2-3

Image result for boring defense soccer funny

“10 to Track” wknd 12/16: Club World Cup final and beyond

Plucking the most important weekend games out of a teeming sea of soccer goodness is a real challenge!  Noob’s holiday season format makes it no easier, as we’re Tracking ten total for the weekend instead of ten for each day.

But what a 10 they are, championships galore!

Saturday, 12/16

  1. Real Madrid vs. Gremio – FIFA World Club Cup

It’s the Final of the World Club Championship!

Noob’s mentioned before that this tournament is not held in quite as high of esteem as in South America.  But now that there’s hardware on the line, Real Madrid will come loaded for bear.  Brazilian, Gremio-y bear.  The Spanish side has to be favored by a goal or two even at neutral U.A.E. site.

RESULT:   Real Madrid   1-0     Hail to the World Champs!   Gremio only got one shot on goal all game.

Image result for South American bear

 

What the cuss??

South American bear with a genetic defect making it hairless.  Can we get that on a crest, por favor?

B.  Manchester City vs. Tottenham Hotspur – English Premier

Nothing makes Noob’s weekend more than a chance to watch Tottenham get knocked on their tuchises.   The team named after traitor Harry Hotspur Percy travels to undisputed league #1.  There will be joy!

Hotspur’s in a three-way tie for 4th place and the league’s final 2018 Champions League berth.  If all goes well, they’ll be down to 7th before Sunday dinner.

RESULT:   Man City   4-1      Noobstradamus was a little off on his prediction, but any Hotspur loss a proper result.

Image result for noobstradamus

 

Noobstradamus may or may not be hitting the Xmas nog early, but I’m prognosticating this one Man City 37-0.

  1. Eintracht Frankfurt vs. Schalke 04 – Bundesliga

Bayern Munich may be running away from this league, but Schalke is on fire!   They’ve not lost in 11 consecutive matches and have climbed to #2.

Autumn was more like that for #7 Frankfurt, but they’ve lost to Bayern and 4th-place Bayer Leverkusen recently.

RESULT:   2-2

  1. Al-Wasl vs. Al-Ain – Arabian Gulf League (U.A.E.)

The Emirates, really Noob?   Yup!   These two are tied for 1st with identical records.   I cannot resist!

From the perspective of the new-ish American fan, as is part of Noob’s mission statement, maybe this league doesn’t fit.   But I get to define the parameters on my site.   Benevolent dictatorship for all!

RESULT:   ppd

 

 

(All hail, Dan the Intern-o Inferno!  You are forgiven your midweek slackness.)

 

 

 

Sunday, 12/17

  1. Lyon vs. Marseille – Ligue 1

At time of posting, these two are parts of a three-way tie for 2nd!  They’re all nine points down to Paris Saint-Germaine in the table.

Who wants to be in the driver’s seat for the best longshot at catching PSG?   Perhaps more importantly, who will end up outside looking in for the league’s third and final 2018 Champions League slot.   Lyon has the offense to take care of business at home, and they’re goalkeeping’s just as good as their guest’s.

  1. Kenya vs. Zanzibar – CECAFA Cup

One final reminder:  association of eastern and central African countries, plus whomever they felt like inviting.

This is the event Final, a one-off match in Rwanda.  Noob’s been intrigued with Zanzibar, since they’re actually part of Tanzania (which fielded its own team).  They’ve got offense, but Kenya hasn’t allowed a non-penalty goal the entire tournament.

RESULT:   Kenya   2-2 / 3-2 pk      Someone finally beat their defense, but Kenya wins the CECAFA Cup!

Image result for soccer goalie funny

  1. Santa Fe vs. Millonairos – Colombia Premier

It’s Finals time all over the place in South and Central America!  Like so many countries in these regions, their league season is divided into two parts, Apertura (first half) and Clausura (second half).  This marks the end of their Clausura postseason tournament.

Millonairos didn’t even qualify to play in the Apertura postseason, and Santa Fe wasn’t way up the table, either, so this has been a sparkling turnaround for both sides.  This time, the hosts finished 2nd in the table, and today’s guests 4th.   Millonairos won the first leg (match) of the tie (two-game series) 1-0.  This one’s going down to penalty kicks, Noobites.

RESULT:   Millonarios   2-2    I should leave the prognosticating to Noobstradamus.  Millonarios kept pace and won the two-legged tie in regulation time, aggregate 2-3.   

  1. Delfin vs. Emelec – Ecuador Serie A

In Ecuador, they call the season’s divisions simply First and Second Stage.  The winners of each face off in a two-legged tie for the overall league championship.  That’s this!

Emelec won the first match 4-2, a huge margin.  But by getting themselves those two goals, they win on the away-goals tiebreaker should they manage win this game 2-0 or 3-1.  Emelec’s going to kick the ball really, really high and far a lot this match, keep the score down.

RESULT:   Emelec   0-2      Hail to the victors, Emelec take the season title 6-2 on aggregate!

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No, Emelec, you have to use a regulation ball.

  1. Deportivo Lara vs. Monagas – Venezuela Premier

This is an overall championship Final as well!   Monagas won the Apertura, and Lara the Clausura.  En route to their Clausura win, Lara beat Monagas 3-1.  And then in the first leg of this Final, they defeated them again, 0-1.  Can Monagas rediscover their mojo for a comeback title?

RESULT:   Monagas   0-2      Mojo homing beacon activated!   Congrats to the champs.

  1. Alianza vs. Santa Tecla – El Salvador Premier

This Apertura Final appears to be a one-off match.  It’s at the national stadium in San Salvador, not home to either or any league club.

These two finished #1 and #2 in league.  But don’t be fooled by the closeness in ordinal rank.  Alianza destroyed this league, winning by nine points in just 20 matches.

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Angry Salvadoran corn-head guy knows all about destruction.