Soccernoob

TGIGF!    Globetrotting Friday is in our lives once again.   No lame the 13th-jokes here.   We look at the handful of good games our regular areas of football interest take us.   Then we grab out suitcases and head out into the world.  Less heralded soccer countries, here we come!

1. Jacksonville Armada vs. North Carolina – NASL

Just three or four games remain for each of this league’s teams. Jacksonville is tied for 4^th – the last spot in the playoffs – with New York Cosmos. They are only behind on the GD tiebreaker by a single goal. NC is in 3^rd with no one close to them in the standings on either side.  RESULT:   1-1

B. Tijuana vs. Veracruz – Liga MX

9^th hosts 13^th place in the better of the two matches from Mexico today. Tijuana won the last half-season, so this has been a surprising fall for them. They’ve lost more games this half-season than all of the last one.   Veracruz climbs to 11th, Tijuana remains in 9th.   RESULT:   0-0

   Would it be weirder or the same if this fellow had no noggin?

3. Cimarrones de Sonora vs. Oaxaca – Ascenso MX

Is this the first game Noob has Tracked from Mexico’s second-tier league? If so, I have been lax in my duties. Welcome to today’s Mexican undercard. Just one team will get promoted out of the eight teams that make the league playoffs. 2^nd hosts 7^th place here.   Oaxaca jumps into a tie for 1st!  Sonora falls to 4th.   RESULT:   Oaxaca   1-2

4. St. Johnstone vs. Rangers – Scottish Premier

It’s relatively early in the season, but the top two teams in Scotland have put some real distance between themselves and everyone else. These two are the best of that “everyone else” – 4^th hosts 3^rd.   They swap places in the standings.   RESULT:   Rangers   0-3

   Shoosh!  Before these Scottish also-rans re-exinct you.

5. Kawasaki Frontale vs. Vegalta Sendai – J1 League

Maybe six games to go and Kawasaki trails 1^st place by five points. They need to hold serve against the best of the bad teams of the league at home to have hope of catching Kashima.   Kawasaki still five points behind 1st though.   RESULT:   KF   3-2

   Does Noob need a reason?  No.

6. CR Belouizdad vs. JS Saoura – Algierian Pro League

They’re only a few games into the current campaign, but these two are 1^st and 3^rd place. Noob hasn’t had much luck early in his interwebs looking about to discover what the home team’s nickname “Laakiba” means. Need to bulk up the staff around here.   CRB slips to 2nd, Saoura to 4th.   RESULT:   1-1

7. Jagiellaonia Bialystok vs. Lech Poznan – Poland Ekstraklasa

4^th hosts 2^nd in one of the sneaky-good leagues in Europe. Noob thinks Pozanan will get the road win, appearing to be the best-balanced team in the league on offense and defense.

Bialystok is the Polish City. The team is named for the 14th-16^th C. dynasty that ruled in Poland as well as Lithuania, Hungary, and what was Bohemia.   Each climbs one spot in standings by virtue of having played one more game than others.   RESULT:   1-1

   You may have been a Queen of Poland, Anna Jagiellon, but did you ever make it with an ultra?

8. Rudar Valenje vs. Maribor – Slovenia Prva Liga

More tenured Noobites will recall (3^rd place) Maribor is the greatest team in the league’s history. But Globetrotting Fridays we arbitrarily take looksies at the home team.

Valenje is the city, and it is 25,000 strong – one of the most modern in the country. The team is The Miners, and no surprise given it’s in a valley between the Alps and Pohorje Mountains.   RESULT:   1-2   Maribor

   Noob’s been to the Swiss Alps before.   Every bit as lovely a panorama here.

9. Shakhtar Donetsk vs. Vorskla Poltava – Ukraine Premier

We’ve also seen Donetsk before, and they are a UEFA Champions League regular. Their success continues this year, despite the political unrest in the Donbas region from which they hail.  They’ve had to play matches far from home, and are currently headquartering in Kiev. VP is in 3^rd, but isn’t one of the powers of this league.   RESULT:   2-2

10. Al Wasl vs. Al Wahda – Persian Gulf League (UAE)

Most days of the week a league just three games into its season wouldn’t have Noob’s attention. But that’s what makes Globetrotting Fridays so gosh darn fun! These are 2016’s 2^nd and 5^th place clubs. Al Wasl are “The Cheetahs”, and famed Diego Maradona was once their manager there in Dubai.   RESULT:   2-1   Al Wasl

  Why does Globetrotting Friday have to end?

1. Manchester United vs. St. Poelton – UEFA Women’s Champions League

The Round of 32 in this event continues! Interesting to note that whle this event is in the knockout stage, it is not bracketed. No winners will know which teams they will face next until all games this round are completed.

Man U isn’t -this- much better than the Austrian side, yet they put a hurting on them 0-3 in the first leg.   Second verse same as the first.   RESULT:   Man U   3-0

B. Glasgow City vs. BIIK Kazygurt – UEFA Women’s Champions League

OK, Noob cannot hold it back anymore. “Kazygurt” looks like an eastern bloc self serve yogurt shop. They lead the Scots 3-0 on aggregate though.   They ended up tied 4-4 on aggregate.  Kazygurt advances on the away-goals tiebreaker.

   And you thought Noob’s site was weird.

3. Orlando City B vs. Tampa Bay Rowdies – United Soccer League

With two games to go, swamp city and loathed OCB trails the last two playoff-slotted teams by just one point. Tampa Bay may be in 3rd, but they are one of the division’s worst teams on the road.   Orlando remains in 9th.  TB climbs into 2nd place and a home game-slot for playoffs, for the moment.   RESULT:   TB   0-2

4. AA Ponte Preta vs. Santos – Brazil Serie A

We previously payed Ponte Preta a visit on a Relegation Monday. They’ve climbed now to 15^th of 20 teams. Santos is in 2^nd, yet mainly by virtue of being so dominant at home.   No change in standings.   RESULT:   1-1

  Maybe it’s not Appalachia where the toothbrush got its name rather than ‘teethbrush’.

5. Flamengo vs. Fluminense – Brazil Serie A

Flamengo is currently in 7^th, the last slot to qualify for the Copa Libertadores next year. Fluminense is tying to keep their head above water, sitting one spot above the Relegation line in the standings.   No change in standings.   RESULT:   1-1

6. Palmeiras vs. Bahia – Brazil Serie A

Palmeiras sits in 5^th, the last slot that gets a bye into the Group Stage of next year’s Copa Libertadores. Bahia was promoted from Serie B this season, so 13^th and in line – barely – for a Copa Sudamericana berth is pretty good.   Palmeiras remains 5th.  Bahia slips a notch.   RESULT:   2-2

  So does Bahia already have artificial turf for their pitch?

7. CD FAS vs. Santa Tecla – El Salvador Premier

4^th hosts 3^rd.  Fun Fact: Decades ago, Santa Ana’s mayor became sick and tired of his city’s teams getting dominated by the clubs from San Salvador. So a bunch of them united to form a single club. They are now the winningest club in the nation’s history.   Santa Tecla climbs to 2nd.   RESULT:   Santa Tecla 2-1

8. Lahti vs. IFK Mariehamn – Finland Veikkausliga

Finland may care less about football than the other Laplandic nations, but Noob still cares about Finland. 5^th place Mariehamn is one spot out of a Europa League berth. A trip to 3^rd place Lahti is likely going to help.   But it did!   RESULT:   Mariehamn   0-1

  Noob will find the heretic and unleash wrath!!

9. Zalgiris Vilnius vs. Trakai – Lithuania A Lyga

The top six teams of the eight in this league make the league’s championship playoffs. These two are already in at 1^st and 3^rd place respectively. But Trakai could still catch #2 Suduva.   They’ve now played two more games than Suduva, but for the moment are in 2nd now.   RESULT:   Trakai   0-1

10. Al Masry vs. Misr El-Maqasa – Egyptian Premier

This league’s season is really just getting started. These are the #2 and #4 teams from last year. El-Maqasa’s off to a dismal start in just three games already though.   DismalER.   RESULT:   Al Masry   3-2

  Why not?  Who doesn’t like slappin’ five?

1. Houston Dynamo vs. Sporting Kansas City – Major League Soccer

Houston is now only tied for 5^th and two other teams are just one point behind for those last two playoff spots. KC is in 2^nd and could conceivably catch 1^st place Vancouver in the Western Division. But they don’t win much at all on the road.   Swamp city Houston prevails, not fails!   A The Management fave in Sporting KC goes down.    RESULT:   Houston   2-1

   Whoops, that’s the wrong Houston-fail.

Noob looks forward to Kevin Costner’s angry comments.

B. Rossiyanka vs. Stjarnan – UEFA Women’s Champions League

The second legs of the Round of 32 start now. We Tracked these teams in their first match a few days ago. The Russian side earned a draw, now has the advantage over the Icelandic club at home.    Advantage adschmantage.    RESULT:   Stjarnan   0-4

3. Linkopings vs. Apollon Limassol – UEFA Women’s Champions League

The Swedish ladies lead 1-0 after the first leg. Noobstradamus isn’t looking to have the easy joke made here, but he’s had a vision of all these women. The Cypriot gals will overcome on the road.   Noob fail.   RESULT:   3-0 

4. Bayern Munich vs. Chelsea – UEFA Women’s Champions League

Chelsea leads 1-0 on aggregate. But they’re heading into a German buzzsaw.   Guy below may get full-on drunk.   Bayern wins, but they only tied on aggregate, and Chelsea advances on the away-goals tiebreaker.   RESULT:   Bayern Munich   2-1

  <—-  soon-to-be buzzed German

5. Rosengard vs. Olimpia Cluj – UEFA Women’s Champions League

Isn’t Rosengard from Lord of the Rings? Supposedly they’re from Sweden, one of the world’s best clubs. They lead the Romanians 1-0 on aggregate.   RESULT:   Rosengard   4-0

6. Fortuna Hjorring vs. Fiorentina – UEFA Women’s Champions League

The Italians lead 1-2 on aggregate, but Danish FH is a monster.   Upset!   Fiorentina advances on aggregate.   RESULT:   0-0

   <—  monster danish

7. Brescia vs. Ajax – UEFA Women’s Champions League

Dutch Ajax leads 1-0 on aggregate, and it would be a mighty upset if they could hold on against the Italians.   Noobstradamus should’ve made this one his official prediction.   RESULT:   Brescia   2-0

8. Toluca vs. Lobos BUAP – Liga MX

5^th hosts 9^th in the more competitive-looking of these two leagues matches today. This is BUAP’s first ever season in the top league. Much of their history, their teams were only composed of university athletes.

   Hugh Laurie, is that you?

9. Gremio vs. Cruziero – Brazil Serie A

This league is hitting its final stretch and these two are in 3^rd and 4^th place respectively. The top five finishers qualify for next year’s Copa Libertadores.   RESULT:   Cruziero   0-1

10. South Melbourne vs. Sydney FC – FFA Cup (Australia)

It’s the semifinals of Australia’s FA cup, and we have an underdog! Well, sort of. South Melbourne currently play in a second tier league in Victoria, not the top A-league. Noob is unsure why. Historically, they are the most successful team in the nation’s history. In any case, they have the mammoth task – even at home – of trying to keep pace with the country’s current champion now.   RESULT:   Sydney FC   1-5

   Nicknamed the Hellas, based on a Greek-backed former club that was one of the three which united to become South Melbourne.

1. Trinidad and Tobago vs. U.S.A. – CONCACAF WCQ

Here we go, Amuricuh! A win gets our team 3^rd place, automatic advancement to WC. Even a draw almost guarantees it. The only way the U.S. won’t be playing in at least the interconfederation playoffs is if they lose to last place T and T and both Honduras and Panama win their final matches, falling to 5^th.  It is to weep.   No WC for Amuricuh.  The trifecta somehow actually happened.   RESULT:   T and T   2-1

    Amuricuh!

B. Panama vs. Costa Rica – CONCACAF WCQ

One bad thing for the U.S. is that Costa Rica has nothing to play for. They have clinched 2^nd and catch 1^st place Mexico.

Panama and Honduras are tied for that interconfederation qualification slot. One will have to play a South American also-ran to get into WC, one will go home. Honduras hosts Mexico for their last match. Even with nothing to play for themselves, Mexico should cruise. Panama tops Honduras on GD, is headed to WC!  For beating Mexico, Honduras gets to head to the interconfederation playoffs where they get Australia.   RESULT:   Honduras   2-1

   Noob isn’t pulling in that kind of coin.  Yet.

3. Netherlands vs. Sweden – UEFA WCQ

2^nd hosts 3^rd. Sweden is only a point behind 1^st place France in this group. They’d have to lose by five goals for Netherlands to tie them on points and pass them on goal differential.   France won their match anyway, so Sweden was 2nd place almost no matter what.   RESULT:   Netherlands   2-1

4. Portugal vs. Switzerland – UEFA WCQ

Portugal can catch Switzerland and claim 1^st place on GD with a win. No matter what, one of them is guaranteed at least 2nd place, advancing to the final WCQ.   Portugal moves on to WC!   Switzerland advances to the final WCQ round.   RESULT:   Portugal   2-0

  <—  not a Swiss catch

5. Estonia vs. Bosnia and Herzegovina – UEFA WCQ

B&H is in 3^rd. One source I scout indicates they are already eliminated, but this despite being shown only two points behind Greece for 2^nd. If they win and Greece loses, seems to Noob they’d get 2^nd place, advance. But it’s all so much rubbish. Greece plays utterly hapless Gibraltar.   Greece did in fact cruise.   B&H will watch WC from home.   RESULT:   B&H   1-2

6. Ecuador vs. Argentina – CONMEBOL WCQ

It’s hard to imagine WC without Argentina. Yet here they are, only tied for 5^th place – the interconfederation playoff spot – and behind Peru on a tiebreaker. Ecuador is out, but may not be easy meat, especially at home.   Argentina vaults into 3rd and to the WC!   RESULT:   Argentina   1-3

  For easy Ecuadorian meat, try the roasted cuy

7. Peru vs. Colombia – CONMEBOL WCQ

Peru gets the tougher opponent, though on their pitch. Colombia is in 4^th, yet amazingly is guaranteed nothing going to into this final match. Things are so tight in the standings after 1^st place Brazil.   Colombia remains in 4th, heads to World Cup!   Peru gets 5th, lives to tee off against New Zealand in the interconfederation playoffs.   RESULT:   1-1

8. Australia vs. Syria – AFC WCQ

These two each finished in 4^th place in their Groups in Asia. They are vying for the chance to whoop up on New Zealand in the interconfederation playoff. The first match of the two-legged tie– in Syria – ended in a 1-1 draw.   RESULT:   Australia   2-1

9. Rochester Rhinos vs. Bethlehem Steel – USL

Bethlehem is one of four teams competing for the last three playoff spots in the Eastern Division. The good news is that, though things in that group are very tight, the Steel are the only club with two games left to play.

Rochester is in 5^th and guaranteed a playoff spot. They’d like to climb at least a notch, get a home game there.   Rochester climbs to 4th.   Bethlehem falls into a tie with Cincinnati for 7th.   No eugoogalizing yet, but Orlando City B is just a point behind them both with just one match to go for them all.   RESULT:   Rochester   1-0

  If The Steel don’t make it, Noob can do the eugoogalizing.

10. Shamrock Rovers vs. Dundalk – FAI Cup (Ireland)

This is a semifinal, and a “replay”. Since their match at Dundalk ended in a draw, rather than do penalty kicks, they just play another match. But it gets hosted by the other team. If this one ends in a draw after 90 minutes, this time they will finish it with extra time and/or penalty kicks.  To Dublin’s southside we go!   Dundalk does what they didn’t manage on their own pitch on the first try.  On to the finals!   RESULT:   2-4  in aet

   Stephens Green Shopping Centre, southside Dublin.

Tomorrow is the last day of this round of 2018 FIFA World Cup qualifying. Noob will post an explainer showing who is in, who advances to the final qualifying round, who narrowly missed out, and who were the biggest surprises to move on.

Only one team featured today – Relegation Monday- in danger of Relegation.

1. Serbia vs. Georgia – UEFA WCQ

Serbia leads Wales and Ireland by one and two points respectively. But since those two play each other in their final Group Stage match, Serbia can do no worse than 2^nd place. That said, they are not guaranteed to not be the last 2^nd place Group finisher.

No matter. Georgia’s about to get clocked.   Serbia is headed to WC!   RESULT:   1-0  Serbia

  Forget Rickrolling, Noob just Flava Flav-ed yo azz.   10:09, mark it down, bitchez.

B. Wales vs. Ireland – UEFA WCQ

Either could win, place or show in the Group. Drama!

3. Iceland vs. Kosovo – UEFA WCQ

Croatia and Ukraine are each two points behind mighty Iceland. Since those two play each other in their final Group Stage match, Iceland can do no worse than 2^nd. And Iceland has enough points to guarantee themselves advancing into the final qualifying round.

No matter. Kosovo has yet to win a match this Stage.   Iceland is headed to WC!   RESULT:   2-0   Iceland

4. Ukraine vs. Croatia – UEFA WCQ

Either could win, place or show in the Group. Drama!

Noobstradmus forecasts Ukraine’s anger will be so pronounced due to so many people adding “the” in front of their nation name that they will take out their definite article-frustration on the slightly superior Croatian side. The vision indicates 4-1 Ukraine!   Noob super-fail!  Croatia finishes 2nd, will advance to the next qualifying round.   RESULT:   Croatia   0-2

   “I’ve had Lego-Gal Gadot and you haven’t.”

5. Belgrano de Cordoba vs. Atlanta – Copa Argentina

Here’s to the underdog! Belgrano’s not a very good Superleague side, but Atlanta plays plays in merely the third tier in Argentina’s pyramid system. Round of 16, one-off match.

Fun Facts: Atlanta is in the Villa Crespo neighborhood of over 85,000 people, smack in the center of Buenos Aires. It is thought to be named for either the earthquake that happened in Atlanta, GA at the time the founders were organizing, or for a naval ship.   Upset!!    Atlanta advances.   RESULT   Atlanta   1-2

  Villa Crespo: “We’re not as fancy as Palermo, but we have crocodile first floors!”

6. Universidad de Chile vs. San Luis – Copa Chile

This match will see the last semifinal slot filled. UdC is the defending Clausura champion. San Luis is pretty meh, and in trouble on the road.   Semis for U de Chile!   They win the two-legged tie with today’s draw, having won the first leg 0-1.   RESULT:   2-2

   Noob does’t think U de C will be the ones crying.

7. Shakhter Karagandy vs. Astana – Kazakhstan Premier

Astana won this league last year and lost to Celtic in the qualifying rounds of the Champions League. They’re in 2^nd place here late in the season, but largely because they’ve played three fewer games than 1^st place Kairat. SK is in 7^th.   Now slated for 10/11

8. Al Ahli Wad Medani vs. Al Hilal Kadougli – Sudan Premier

Noob plays no politics here. We love leagues that play on Mondays! AAWM is in danger of being relegated. Wad Medani is the capital of the state of Al Jazirah, and sits on the banks of the Blue Nile. The city is home to about 350,000. Maybe Madison, Wisconcon-y. Wisconsin sure sucks.   RESULT:   1-1

   Add a little color to empassion your supports, fellas.

9. Al Shorta Al Qadarif vs. Tari’a Al Beja – Sudan Premier

8^th takes on 11^th in a match featuring two teams we’ve Tracked before.   RESULT:   postponed

10. Jeunes Athletiques vs. Vital’O – Burundi Primus League

Burundi football, you have a piece of Noob’s heart as well! These two teams are 10^th and 11^th, but it’s extremely early in this league season.

Primus League, meet the experimental San Franciscan sounds of Primus.   RESULT:   1-3   Vital’O

1. North Carolina Courage vs. Chicago Red Stars – NWSL

The Courage are the #1 seeds in the postseason. Noob loves the one-off format. Winner will get Portland Thorns, who defeated Chicago Red Stars 4-1 yesterday.

NCC is the relocated defending league champion Western New York Flash, though a team by that name now competes in a lower league.   On to the final!   RESULT:   North Carolina 1-0

B. Poland vs. Montenegro – UEFA WCQ

As the World Cup Qualifying event in Europe heads into it’s tenth and final games, seems like a good time to remind Noobites of the stakes. The winner of each of the nine Groups of six automatically qualifies for WC 2018. All but the worst of the 2^nd place teams will advance to one more qualifying round. There, each team will play a two-legged tie with another. Winners of those qualify for WC. Losers go home.

Poland is in 1^st and guaranteed of at least 2^nd. Montenegro is in 3^rd – three points behind Denmark, so they must have a win for any hope of the next round.   Poland is headed to WC!   RESULT:   Poland   4-2

   Read #3 and get happy, fake Viking-guy!

3. Denmark vs. Romania – UEFA WCQ

See above. Denmark is three points behind Poland.   Denmark claims 2nd, advances to the final qualifying round.   RESULT:   1-1

4. Slovakia vs. Malta – UEFA WCQ

Slovakia is in 3^rd in their group, two points behind Scotland (and no one is catching England). Even if they catch the Scots, there’s a fair chance they’ll be in last of the 2^nd place teams and still not advance.   Slovakia ties for 2nd place in the Group and claims the tiebreaker over Scotland via goal differential.  They advance unless they finish in last among 2nd pale finishers – a real possibility.   RESULT:   Slovakia   3-0

     Weird thing is, he looks like a real-life former boss of Noob’s.

5. Slovenia vs. Scotland – UEFA WCQ

A win here, a Slovakia loss, and some help to not finishing last of all Group 2^nd place finishers is Slovenia’s only path to the next round. A win and Scotland is in, but a draw likely leaves them out. If Slovakia beats horrible Malta, Scotland loses the GD tiebreaker.   RESULT:   2-2

6. Egypt vs. Congo – CAF WCQ

Egypt leads 2^nd place Uganda by a point in this group, and has played one less game. They’re going to crush eliminated Congo.   Not a crushing, yet are now officially in WC!   RESULT:   Egypt   2-1

   Noob needs no reason.

7. Ottawa Fury vs. FC Cincinnati – USL

The Eastern Division last four playoff spots are up for grabs. Cinci sits at 7^th place, with a climb or drop of two spots easily possible.   Good LAWD!   Cinci falls into a tie for the last playoff slot.  Evil swamp city Orlando lurks just a point behind.   RESULT:   Ottawa   4-0

8. Gamba Osaka vs. Cerezo Osaka – J1 League Cup

Gamba earned a draw in the first match of this two-legged semifinal tie. Cerezo’s turn to try and make some road magic.   On to the final!   RESULT:   Cerezo Osaka   1-2

    Ask Noob where his comfort zone really is.

9. Antofagasta vs. Curico Unido – Copa Chile

C.U. Is the defending league champion. Antofagasta earned a draw on the road though and now has the advantage home in this quarterfinal.   Here’s a small surprise.  In most tournaments Noob has followed, the tiebreaker is away-goals.   Here, they eschew that and moved right to penalty picks.   RESULT:   Antofagasta   0-0 /   4-2 PK

10. Jeju United vs. Jeonbuk – South Korea K. League Classic

Noob can hardly believe this is our first South Korean match covered! 2^nd hosts 1st here. The top two league finishers auto-qualify for next year’s AFC Champions League. And Ulsan is hot on Jeju’s tail.   Five games to go, and Jeonbuk just got some security for the title,   RESULT:   Jeonbuk   0-1

  Peace, love, and South Korean ice fishing festival picture-posing gone wrong.

1. Colorado Rapids vs. FC Dallas – MLS

FC Dallas has fallen all the way into a three-way tie for the last three Western Division playoff slots. But no one is likely to catch that bunch. They head to 10^th place Colorado to play for seeding.   Dallas remains tied for 5th with Houston, but two teams are just a point behind.   RESULT:   1-1

B. Bulgaria vs. France – UEFA WCQ

Bulgaria is on life support with a negative goal differential an in 4th place. And 1^st place France will be coming to play since they’re only a point up on Sweden.   France is still just a point up on Sweden, but they are guaranteed to advance as 2nd if they don’t get 1st now.   RESULT:   France   0-1

   Raise your hand if you’re crappy national team – and your life – sucks.

3. Switzerland vs. Hungary – UEFA WCQ

“Weak group” or not, Switzerland has to be the surprise of the event so far, going 8-0-0. They’ve guaranteed themselves at least advancement to the next round, yet not automatic qualification. How? 2^nd place Portugal is 7-0-1. 3^rd place Hungary is already eliminated.   The Swiss now can’t worse than 2nd and will advance.   RESULT:   Switzerland   5-2

4. Cyprus vs. Greece – UEFA WCQ

4^th place Cyprus probably two wins to get two second place. Greece is just a point behind 2^nd place Bosnia and Herzegovina. Noobstradamus predicts a 1-3 Greek victory, yet doesn’t think they will ultimately catch B&H.   Noob misses, if not badly for once.   RESULT:   Greece   1-2

   Spiced lamb gyros?  Your darn right I can eat a dozen in a sitting.

5. Cape Verde vs. Senegal – CAF WCQ

Cape Verde is tied with Burkina Faso for 1^st in the Group, and Senegal lurks just a point behind them. How such a tight bunch?- surprisingly awful South Africa. Remember: One team per group heads to WC. All others weep for what is lost.   Senegal leaps into first!   RESULT:   Senegal   0-2

   South Africa football fan

6. Portland Thorns vs. Orlando Pride – NWSL

The ladies don’t mess around in the playoffs! One-off time, no home-and-away series here. These two are the #2 and #3 seeds. BAONPDX must prevail! Down with swamp city Orlando.    By Any Other Name / Portland!   RESULT:   Portland   4-1

    Earn the patch.

7. Miami vs. San Francisco Deltas – NASL

Deja vu all over again. SF earned a draw in Miami on 10/4 and likely sealed up a playoff bid. It’s still fun to watch the top two duel.   Upset!!   RESULT:   SF   0-3

8. Louisville City vs. Charlotte Independence – USL

City… as opposed to? Is there another high-level suburban or county team they’re afraid of getting mixed up with? Charlotte’s tied for 3^rd with Chalreston, and Noob is pulling for ’em.   Crapola.   RESULT:   Louisville   2-1

   Noob looks forward to your hateful comments, LFC supporters.

9. Connah’s Quay vs. T.N.S. – Welsh Premier

Noob is always down for #2 vs. #1! The New Saints didn’t start the season on fire, but they’re starting to give off some real heat. They’re 5-0-0 after an 0-1-1 start.   now slated for 10/7

10. Melbourne Victory vs. Sydney FC – Australian A-League

It may be the first football of the soccer season in Oz, but these are last season’s #2 hosting #1! Sydney toyed with this league all last year, and MV didn’t have much competition for 2^nd place.   RESULT   Sydney FC   0-1

  Oz = not a FIFA member

1. U.S.A. vs. Panama – CONCACAF WCQ

Amuricuh is in in 4^th, but only ahead of Honduras on goal differential (by a lot). This is the slot which leaves a club alive to fight another day, in the interconfederation playoffs. The top three all qualify for WC automatically, and just ahead in 3^rd is where Panama sits.   USA!  USA!   They;re not in 3rd and two points clear of 4th place Panama.  They’re still not even mathematically guaranteed 4th place with a game to go, but with one game to go against last place Trinidad and Tobago, Amuricuh is lookin’ good.   RESULT:  U.S.A.   4-0

  Roughriders!   Mount up.

B. Costa Rica vs. Honduras – CONCACAF WCQ

The U.S. is lucky Costa Rica still hasn’t quite guaranteed themselves WC qualification. They should be able to put away Honduras, leaving the U.S. in driver’s seat for 4^th, even if they lose to Panama.  Now slated for 10/7

3. Turkey vs. Iceland – UEFA WCQ

No one’s running away with this Group. Iceland is tied for first with less-than-intimidating Croatia. Turkey’s tied for 3^rd and only two points back.  Iceland can do no worse than 2nd now, and leads the Group!  Turkey is eliminated.   RESULT:   Iceland   0-3

   Icelandic turkey twizzlers.  Yup.

4. Croatia vs. Finland – UEFA WCQ

A win or draw by eliminated Finland would make this Group a REALLY tightly packed sausage.  And given that none of the teams in this group have been scoring much, that draw is far from out of the question.   Croatia falls into a tie for 2nd place with a game to go, though the lead Ukraine on GD.  Worse for them, they’re in a three-way tie for last among current Group 2nd place teams.  Last place won’t advance.    RESULT:  1-1

  Croatian kulen, arguably the world’s best spicy sausage.  Hang it in the attic to keep it out of the cold wind.  True.

5. Georgia vs. Wales – UEFA WCQ

The hosts are 5^th place and eliminated from WC contention. Wales is in 2^nd, four points back of 1^st. It’s imperative for Wales to get a road win here. As of right now, they are the bottom-ranked of all the second-place group teams. This is the only 2^nd place slot that doesn’t advance to the next round.   Good news, Wales!   You’re now only behind Serbia by one point for 1st in the Group.   Bad news, Wales.  You’re in the three-way tie for last among current 2nd place teams.   RESULT   Wales   0-1

6. Austria vs. Serbia – UEFA WCQ

Austria’s still alive – if just – in 4^th place. Serbia has a four-point lead on 2^nd, is guaranteed to finish in at least 2^nd themselves.  Even with the win, Austria is eliminated thanks to Ireland’s win over Moldova.   Meanwhile, Serbia remains in 1st place, but narrowly.

7. Italy vs. Macedonia – UEFA WCQ

Italy had the bad fortune of being drawn into the same group as dominant Spain. But they’ve all but guaranteed themselves 2^nd place and should wrap up at least that much here.   Epic result for Macedonia!!   Italy stil guarantees themselves advancement, though they cannot win the Group now.   RESULT:   1-1

  Noob is trying to find a single safety standard- oh wait, emissions!   Suckcess.

8. Mali vs. Ivory Coast – CAF WCQ

Groups of just four, so even last place Mali isn’t quite out of the hunt yet. But only one team from each African Group qualifies. All others go home. Ivory Coast leads 2^nd place by a point.   Mali is eliminated now.   Ivory Coast drops to 2nd, a point behind Morocco.   RESULT:   0-0

9. FC Edmonton vs. Jacksonville Armada – NASL

The Armada are in 5^th place in the Spring/Fall aggregate standings, and only the top four get in. Time to see if the trip Edmonton head coach Colin Miller took with Noob and other NASL folk – as described in the last D-Twos-day Interview – will have any unintended side effects or consequences.   The Armada is within just two points in the aggregate standings now for the 4th and final playoff spot.   RESULT:   Jacksonville   0-1

   Kissy, kissy, bad spirits!

10. Toronto FC II vs. Bethlehem Steel – USL

The sand is nearly out of the hourglass for the Steel, but they are only one spot out of the playoff. Toronto II stinks like old cheese, so this is their big chance to get rare road points.   Season saving road performance!   The Steel climb to 6th place.   RESULT:   Bethlehem   2-4

  Can’t let the playoff tiger out of the cage until it’s tamed.

1. Scotland vs. Slovakia – UEFA WCQ

Only two games to go in all the groups of six. Reminder: The winner of each qualifies for World Cup 2018. All but one of the nine 2^nd place teams will move on to one last qualifying round.

England has all but mathematically wrapped up 1^st in this Group. Scotland and Slovenia each trail Slovakia by a single point.   Scotland now in driver’s seat for advancing, but England sewed up first.   RESULT:  Scotland   1-0

B. England vs. Slovenia – UEFA WCQ

Speak of the devils.   RESULT:   England   1-0

  Awwwww…AHHHH!!!…awwwww!

3. Montenegro vs. Denmark – UEFA WCQ

Tied for 2^nd in their group on points. Tied on goal differential. And only three points from 1^st place Poland. Most meaningful match of the day.  Even a draw in their last Group stage match and they advance to next round.  RESULT:   Denmark   0-1

4. Armenia vs. Poland – UEFA WCQ

Noobstradamus has had a vision. Poland’s going on the road and winning 0-3. Cash on the barrelhead, Noobites.   Poland is officially in WC now.  RESULT:   Poland   1-6

5. Northern Ireland vs. Germany – UEFA WCQ

Even a tie and Germany is guaranteed 1^st place with another game to go. Northern Ireland is heading to the playoffs, having torched the rest of the group.   RESULT:   Germany   1-3

6. Argentina vs. Peru – CONMEBOL WCQ

This one should be extra interest to Amuricuhn fans.

All the South American countries involved play in a single group. The top four qualify for World Cup, and these two are tied on points and goal differential. 5^th place isn’t out though! That side will advance to the interconfederation playoffs. The U.S. could easily end up the opponent.   RESULT:   0-0

  You’re not the catch you think you are, lady.

7. Columbia vs. Paraguay – CONMEBOL WCQ

3^rd vs. 7^th. Even with a win here Paraguay may need a fair bit of help to claim fifth since there are only two games left.   BIG opportunity missed.  RESULT:   Paraguay   1-2

8. Chile vs. Ecuador – CONMEBOL WCQ

6^th hosts 8^th. A win and a draw in their last two should net Chile a qualifying spot. Ecuador’s all but cooked, too many teams to jump.  BIG opportunity nabbed by Chile!   They climb into tie for 3rd.   RESULT:   Chile   2-1

   Words fail, just like Ecuador does.

9. Syria vs. Australia – AFC WCQ

Each of these teams finished fourth in their group the previous round. They now play a two-legged tie for a slot in the interconfederation playoffs…where one of them will take target practice on New Zealand before heading to the WC.    RESULT:   1-1

10. Stjarnan vs. FC Rossiyanka – UEFA women’s Champions League

The Round of 32 is underway. Each pair of teams plays a two-legged tie.  Fun fact:  The Icelandic host side’s town of Garobaer has ~15,000 people. The Russians are from Khimki, a city of over 200,000.

Enjoy some Of Monsters and Men as you move on to your next interwebs activity!  They hail from Garobaer.   RESULT:   1-1