Soccernoob

Noobites, your passports are gonna be more stamped today than a white trash tramp’s lower back.   We’re spanning the globe!

Most days, ‘the ten most important games’ for us, the newish American soccer fans, see us focused on North America and Europe “big” leagues.   Friday’s we trot the globe.  Come, see what Noob means.

1. Atlas vs. Cruz Azul – Liga MX

This is the Clausura, the second half-season of the 2017-18 season.  Atlas barely sneaked into the Apertura (first half-season) postseason in 8^th place.  Cruz Azul finished 6^th.

Now, Atlas is struggling mightily at both ends of the field, 0-0-4.  Cruz Azul has earned three draws in four matches by playing “small ball” (only six goals total have been scored in their matches).

Noobstradamus is getting his prognostication on early today!   I’m predicting Atlas gets the first and only goal.

RESULT:    Atlas   2-1      Nailed it!   OK, not quite

 

 

Fun Fact:   Did you know beach-bought Chiclets are NOT the best Chiclets?

B.  KuPS vs. AC Kajaani – Finnish Cup

Finland’s FA Cup is in its Group Stage.  Now the 22 teams from the top two leagues have entered the competition.  They and the eight lower-league sides that advanced from the four preliminary Rounds are divided into six Groups of five.  Each Group will feature a single Round Robin.

The top two Group Stage winners will get a bye in the Knockout Round.  The other winners and all 2^nd place-finishers will also advance.  KuPS – one of Finland’s best – is 2-0-0.   Kajaani is 1-0-1, in 3^rd.  They were just promoted to the second-tier league this year and are likely to be trounced.

RESULT:   KuPS    6-1

 

 

Fly high, Number B!

3. Beijing Gouan vs. AGF Aarhus – Atlantic Cup

This annual tournament is for clubs in leagues which aren’t in action during the northern hemisphere winter months.  It’s usually just northern European teams.   Oddly, it’s contested in Portugal, where the leagues are playing.

The eight clubs are divided into Groups of four.  Each team will play just two of the three others in their Group.  Then each team will face off against teams form the other Group, based on order of finish.

This year, two Chinese teams are in the mix.  Guoan is a fair bit better on paper.  But they need to beat Danish 1^st place AGF here in their second match to have any shot at playing for the Cup title.

RESULT:   AGF   0-2

4. Azerbaijan vs. Kosovo – international friendly

This is our chance to check out Europe’s lowest-ranked team, Kosovo.  They’re just too small and too new on the international stage to have built up their game.  Azerbaijan is a nice test for them.  Azby is ranked a lot higher, yet hardly a powerhouse.

RESULT:   PPD

 

 

And you thought Noob was too informal with the “Azby” thing…

5. Al-Wahda vs. Al-Wasl – U.A.E. Pro-League

Noob has previously referred to this as the Arabian Gulf League.  The above appears to be the newer, official name.  Regardless, this league gets three berths in the next AFC Champions League, and the top three have a big lead on the pack.

Only two points separate the three.  And it does matter who finishes 3^rd.  That team will have to play a preliminary round game in the C.L., while the other two will enter at the Group Stage.   These two are in 3^rd and 2^nd place.

RESULT:   Wahda   4-3

6. Milerock vs. Cougars – Guyana Elite League

They’re only a couple games into this year’s season.  These two have lost all their matches.  Nearly as Noob can tell, they didn’t play in this league last year.  I’m not sure if they’re newly-formed clubs or were promoted.  Only six teams played in this league last year, but they have ten now.

Fun Fact:   The 2015-16 league champions club Slingerz were not allowed to participate the next year for being in “bad standing” with the national football federation.  Noob’s still not seeing them in the table.

RESULT:   MIlerock   2-1

 

Maybe they’ve been kicked out for that dumb Z on the end of their name.

7. Lee Man Warriors vs. Kitchee – Hong Kong Premier

Kitchee is undefeated and wins games by an average of about three and a half goals per.  They will represent this league in the AFC Champions League.  Lee Man are in 4^th.

Fun Fact:  To round out the number of teams to an even ten in this very young league, Chinese Super League Guangzhou R&F fields a team of mostly under-19’s in this one.

RESULT:   Kitchee   1-5

8. Fortuna Düsseldorf vs. Sandhausen – 2. Bundesliga

The top two clubs in German’s second-tier league will be automatically promoted at season’s end.  Düsseldorf holds down the top spot presently, but only by three points.

Sandhausen are in 4^th, one spot away from getting to play a bottom-rung Bundesliga team for the chance to move up.  They play for low-scoring games, which doesn’t feel like a recipe for high-end success.

RESULT:   Düsseldorf   1-0

 

 

Oh schnappen!

9. Nimes vs. AC Ajaccio – Ligue 2

In France’s second-tier league, the top two teams are also auto-promoted.  The next three in the table will play in a promotion playoff tournament.

1^st place Reims has a huge lead on everyone.   High-scoring 2^nd-place Nimes leads a tight pack of five teams battling for those other berths.   ACA won’t be able to keep up today, but Noob thinks 3^rd-place Paris FC is the club that will lose this league game of musical chairs eventually.

RESULT:   1-1

10. Empoli vs. Palermo – Serie A

Another league where the top two will be promoted.  In Italy, though, the next six get to play in a promotion tournament for one more slot up.

These two are in 3^rd and 2^nd respectively.  League’s best offense hosting the best defensive side.  Classic.

RESULT:   Empoli   4-0

 

Maserati A6GCS Berlinetta, 1953-55.

Also classic.

Tuesday, 1/30

1. Huddersfield Town vs. Liverpool – English Premier League

We lead off with a couple of British teams looking to right their ships.  The hosts have lost their last two league matches, and neither to very good squads.

Worse, though Liverpool are still in 4^th, they have lost their last two matches to EPL’s worst two teams.  They are only two points above dreaded and Noob-reviled Tottenham  Sir Topham Hatt Hotspur.    Maybe they shouldn’t have strangely traded away their superstar midseason.

RESULT:   Liverpool   0-3

 

As confusing as this is, this is you, Liverpool.

B.  Atalanta vs. Juventus – Coppa Italia

Noob does NOT understand this event.  Oh, I get that it’s their FA Cup, and that this is the first leg of a Semfinal.  But the second leg won’t be played for a month.

RESULT:   Juve   0-1

 

That’s numero B to you.

And that B looks regular.  And the scooters?….Noob’s head hurts…

3. Al Ahly vs. Ismaily – Egyptian Premier League

Africa’s top league does it right, Italia – so pay attention!  See, 1^st place hosts 2^nd place.  So simple, even this Noob can understand it.

RESULT:   Al Ahly   1-0

Wednesday, 1/31

4. Tottenham Sir Topham Hatt Hotspur vs. Manchester City – English Premier League

All Noob-bias aside, Hotspur hasn’t shown the offense to be able to punch through to the top four of EPL and snag a Champions League berth.  But Man City’s run away with the league title, so it could be interesting to see if they have a hiccup on the road.

RESULT:   Hotspur   2-0       Hiccup, indeed

Now, Noob-bias back front and center –

 

 

Quick, someone pee on that traitor’s corpse

5. Mexico vs. Bosnia and Herzegovina – international friendly

B&H is on tour, having just played USA a couple days ago.  That match went scoreless.  Mexico will test them more severely.

RESULT:   Mexico   1-0

6. Apollon Limassol vs. APOEL Nicosia – Cypriot First Division

1^st place hosts 2^nd!  Wrap your arms around the sweetest of matches, Noobites.

These two are just a point apart in the table.  The league title will be decided via playoffs with four other clubs, but don’t think they both don’t want the regular season trophy.  Apollon have only surrendered 11 goals in 21 games.

RESULT:   APOEL   1-2      And we have a new #1 in Cyprus

7. Millonarios vs. Atletico Nacional – Primera A Championship Final (Colombia) 

The question mark is because Noob’s not 100% sure what we’re getting here.   These are the best two teams from last season, each having won one of the half-seasons.

But whether this is a “meaningless” Supercopa-type event to kick off the 2018 regular season or is actually determining the overall champion for last year, I’m at a loss.

RESULT:   0-0      Still not sure if this was just an exhibition or something more

 

Sure, pile on the confusion.

But Noob sees that Subway across the street .  Eat fake chicken fresh, bitchez.

 

 

Thursday, 2/1

8. Chelsea vs. Manchester City – WSL 1

A while back, Reading FC earned a draw against Chelsea Ladies.  That’s the only blemish on the record of either of these sides.  #2 vs. #1, Noobites!

Barring a surprise push from Liverpool, these two will be the English reps for Women’s Champions League this year.

RESULT:   0-0

9. Leganés vs. Sevilla – Copa del Rey

This is the first match of a two-legged Semifinal tie in Spain’s FA Cup.  The host “Cucumber Growers” are the lowest in the La Liga table of all four teams remaining.  They’re in 11^th and have a world of trouble scoring.  Still, 6^th-place Sevilla actually have a negative goal differential of their own.

Noobstradamus has had a vision!  I won’t bore you with the details.  Soccer balls, dancing 30’ tall cucumbers, a suburban Madrid bus that clipped me, smacking my head to a curbside… you know, the usual.   Sevilla will be more focused on trying to climb the La Liga table, and Leganés will be victorious!

RESULT:   1-1         Jury’s still out, since this only Leg 1

 

Weird?  Sure.  

But at least -I- didn’t talk about urinating on a dead guy.

10. Oriente Petrolero vs. Jorge Wilstermann – Copa Libertadores qualification

We Tracked O.P.’s opening q-round matches as they try to sneak into one of the final Copa spots for later this year.  Next, they face off against one of their own league foes, and a better one at that.  First match of two-legged tie here.

RESULT:   Wilstermann   1-2

Saturday, 1/27

1. Milton Keynes Dons vs. Coventry City – English FA Cup

The Fourth Round Proper rolls onward.  This is a fun, minnow-y match.  It’s more fun because Noob-Adopted Coventry City is one of the lowest-league teams remaining.   MK Dons are struggling mightily in the third tier League One.  Coventry is in League Two, but the upper echelon of it.

RESULT:   Coventry   0-1

 

Noob needs one of those crazy Coventry hats, like, yesterday!

B.  CF America vs. Atlas – Liga MX

In the Apertura (first-half season), these two finished 2nd and 8th respectively.  Here in the Clausura. America has yet to lose a game three matches in, while Atlas has crapped the bed (0-0-3).

RESULT:   America   1-0

 

 

Is it any wonder Noob is questing for Number B?

3. Valencia vs. Real Madrid – La Liga

The 2017-18 football story in Spain continues to be the struggles of Real.  The two-time defending European champions are only in 4^th place.  Two other clubs are within three points of them for the final league berth in Champions League.  Valencia leads them by five points, in 3^rd place.

RESULT:   Real   1-4

4. Neroca vs. Minerva Punjab – I-League

#2 hosts #1!   Noob understands the Punjabis might well bring samosas to share.

RESULT:   Punjab   0-1

 

 

Delicious with mint chutney

 

 

Honorable Mention Saturday matches:  PSG vs. Montpelier, Bayern Munich vs. Hoffenheim, ChievoVerona vs. Juventus, Boca Juniors vs. Colon, Alianza vs. Aguila, Kaizer Chiefs vs. Mamelodi Sundowns

Sunday, 1/28

5. USA vs. Bosnia and Herzegovina – international friendly

FIFA ranks the two national teams as #25 and #38.  Population difference:  ~325 million : ~3.5 million

RESULT:   0-0

6. Cardiff City vs. Manchester City – English FA Cup

Cardiff’s in 3^rd place in the second-division Championship league.  Man City, is, well, Man City.  1^st.

At least after finally losing – to Liverpool a week or so back – we know Man City is human.  Either that, or they sandbagged for one match to put Noob off the scent that they might all be super-aliens.

RESULT:   Man City   0-2

 

But a Man City alien would wear blue.

Detective Noob – foiled again. 

 

7. Toluca vs. Cruz Azul – Liga MX

These two are in 11^th and 5^th early here in the Clausura.  In the Apertura, they were almost perfectly flipflopped, finishing 4^th and 11^th.

RESULT:   1-1

8. Marseille vs. AS Monaco – Ligue 1

No one’s likely to catch PSG for 1^st, so the battle is on for the other two Champions League berths.  Marseille and Monaco are in 3^rd and 4^th and just a point apart, and 2^nd place is only a point up on Marseille.

Based at least on goal differential, Monaco is the better team, thanks to their offense.   Since they’re on the road, this may be the most competitive match of the weekend.

RESULT:   2-2

This is exactly how Noob imagines everything to look in France.

Awesome.

9. Gent vs. Club Brugge – Belgian First Division A

Brugge has run away with the regular season title; they only await coronation at this point.  The question becomes how will they approach the rest of their league season as they prep for the league playoffs?  Gent is in 4^th, reasonably comfortable fin a top six spot for a league playoff berth.

RESULT:   Gent   2-0

10. Congo vs. Libya – African Nations Championship

This biennial event has reached it’s eight-team Knockout stage.  Since the event is in Morocco, no need for two-legged ties- this is one-and-done.  Though the winner will probably have to play host Morocco.  Oops.  Unfortunate draw, guys.

RESULT:   Libya   1-1  /  3-5 pk

 

 

Some soccer oops (oopses?) are worse than others

 

 

 

Honorable Mention Sunday matches:  Roma vs. Sampdoria, Bolivar vs. Jorge Wilstermann, Alianza vs. Aguila, Plateau United vs. MFM FC, Carabobo vs. Estudiantes Merida

Where’s Jennifer Garner, Noob’s got some double miles to rack up!   TGIGF, Noobites.   Friday’s lighter schedule for “big” leagues gives way weekly to our Globetrotting.

As always, we’ll start with more familiar locales, then chart soccer parts less-known.  We’re all travelling footyball first class.

1. Yeovil Town vs. Manchester United – English FA Cup

Huish Park Glovers, you can doo eet!  Noob-Adopted League Two (fourth tier) Yeovil has made the Fourth Round Proper.  With only 31 other teams remaining, the competition was bound to take a severe step up.  And so it is, with Premier League #2 Man U paying a call.

Fun Fact:  Notts County, Coventry City and Newport County are the other surviving League Two clubs.

RESULT:   Man Utd.   0-4

B.  Tijuana vs. Puebla – Liga MX

Neither of this these teams have lost a match three games into the Clausura (second half-season).  They only finished 11^th and 15^th respectively in the Apertura, so it will be muy divertido to see if either can keep up the seeming improvement.

RESULT:   Tijuana   2-0

 

Nothing says divertido like balloons and Number B.

3. Universitario vs. Oriente Petrolero – Copa Libertadores qualification

19 teams are competing for four spots in South America’s version of Champions League.  This is the part of the first preliminary stage, featuring just six of those clubs.

These are the fourth-best teams from their nations.  We Tracked the first leg of this tie just a few days ago, and Bolivian Oriente Petrolero held serve and a little extra, with a 2-0 victory.  Peruvian Universitario is the better team on paper, but not by so much that overcoming that margin won’t be really difficult.

RESULT:   Oriente Petrolero   1-3      Aggregate finishes at 3-3.  O.P. advances on away goals (1).

4. Colo Colo vs. Santiago Wanderers – Supercopa de Chile

This is an annual event to kick off the league season.  Noob wonders if this is the most bizarre matchup they’ve ever had.

Last season’s Premier League winner (Colo Colo) is taking on the FA Cup winner (Wanderers).  What makes this is odd is that Wanderers did so poorly last season in league the last two seasons, they were relegated to the country’s second division.

RESULT:   Colo Colo   3-0

5. Talleres vs. San Lorenzo – Superliga Argentina

These two are in 5^th and 2^nd place.  This is a surprising start for Talleres.  The league is 30 teams deep, and they were only just promoted to the top flight this season.

San Lorenzo finished in 8^th last season, missing out Copa Libertadores qualification by just one spot in the table.

RESULT:   Talleres   2-0

6. Carabobo vs. Estudiantes Merida – Venezuela Premier

The season is just kicking off here.   These two finished in 3^rd and 4^th place in the Clausura last season.

RESULT:   moved to Monday

 

And you thought NFL celebrations were weird.  Carabobo…

7. IF Gnistan vs. HJK Helsinki – Finnish Cup

This tournament is in the Group stage, its fifth round.  The top two finishers from each of five Groups of six will advance.   Top flight-HJK won their first match, while fellow Helsinkians and recently-demoted-to-third-tier Gnistan earned a draw in theirs.

RESULT:   HJK   0-8

8. Dunfermline vs. St. Mirren – Scottish Championship

St. Mirren is starting to pull away with the second-division league title.  Dunfermline is in 3^rd.  Their goal differential is only five less than St. Mirren, yet they trail by 15 points in the table.  They’ve got the offense to possibly pull of the upset here, cement their league playoff position for a possible promotion.

In fact, Noobstradamus is calling this one for “The Pars”!

RESULT:   St. Mirren   1-0     Noobstradamus fail

 

“The Pars”?    Do I have time to reconsider this prognostication?

 

9.  Matoury vs. Remire – French Guiana Division d’Honneur

3^rd place hosts 7^th in this French territorial top-flight league.   Their table works different than most.  Teams get four points for a win, two for a draw, and one point for just showing up and losing.

RESULT:   Matoury   6-1

10. Sidekicks vs. UOG – Guam Soccer League

11^th hosts 3^rd place.  Only the league winner qualifies for the AFC Champions League (and only the preliminary round at that).

Funnest Fact:  Even though they they are a woeful 15^th place of 17 teams in this league, Noob’s adopting…FC Beercelona!

RESULT:   1-1

 

 

You’re goldurn right.

As usual, our midweek ten most important games to track from around the world are largely European Cup matches.  The Finals of many approach, and the drahmah heightens!

Enjoy this midweek feast, though image/lame comedy-free.  Also, the Prognostication Challenge will either be added in tomorrow or have its own shiny new Page.   (Noob’s adjusting to his new real-life work sched and starting a three week-‘Daniel fast’.  Setting the old body/sleep clock.)

Prognostication Challenge is going on hiatus as a feature, to be reviewed for a re-start at a date TBD.

Tuesday, 1/23

1. Bristol City vs. Manchester City – EFL Cup

Remember, Noobites, this is different from the FA Cup.  Only the top four leagues’ teams get to play this event.

The Semifinals are the one round where the teams play two-legged ties (home and away series).  Division two-Bristol managed to eliminate Manchester United, but can they make it two Man-teams in a row?  The two-legged tie will make this much more difficult.   As if facing England’s #1 team wouldn’t be tough enough.

RESULT:   Man City   3-2      And Man City took the first leg of this tie 1-2, so they advance to the final 5-3 on aggregate.

B.  Shrewsbury Town vs. Oldham Athletic – EFL Trophy

Reminder of what this one is: a tournament for the third and fourth-tier league teams, plus youth elite teams of the top two leagues’ clubs.  This event has reached its Quarterfinals.

Nothing against Oldham, but Shrewsbury is Adopted, one of Noob’s fave teams. The traitorous Harry “Hotspur” Percy met his death there, and it is hallowed ground.  And “The Shrews” will prevail!  Should, anyway.   They’re near the top of the League One (third-tier) table, while Oldham is on the opposite end.

RESULT:   Shrewsbury   2-1

3. Canet Rousillon vs. Caen – Coupe de France

This is France’s version of FA Cup.  Its reached the round of 32, and here we have featured one of the lowest-tiered teams remaining.  Rousillon plays in one of the National 3 leagues, the fifth level of French football.

Caen may not be a household name here, but they are Ligue One and should dominate.  But we’ll have fun cheering on the Minnow!

RESULT:   Caen   1-1  /  3-4  pk      So close

4. Celaya vs. Pachuca – Copa MX

This is the second Copa of the 2017-18 season for Mexico.  They play two league tournaments, have two Cups.  Bueno!   This even is in its opening Group Stage.  Celaya are the underdog from the second-tier Ascenso League, but they’re the best team from it.

achuca, meanwhile is not strong as Liga MX teams go.  They should still be favored, but a home side win wouldn’t be a complete stunner.

Wednesday, 1/24

5. Arsenal vs. Chelsea – EFL Trophy

This two-legged Semifinal pits the Premiere League’s #6 team vs. #2.  They score at about the same clip, but Chelsea’s goal-defense is almost literally twice as good.

RESULT:   Arsenal   2-1

6. Rangers vs. Aberdeen – Scottish Premier

Neither team is likely to catch #1 Celtic, but these two will get the league’s Europa League berths.   They’re about as even matched as teams can be.

RESULT:   Rangers   3-2

7. Monterrey vs. UAT – Copa MX

Monterrey is arguably the best team in North America.   UAT barely finished in the top half of Ascenso MX during the Apertura (first half-season).  If you like a Cinderella possibility, “The Roadrunners” are the team for you.

RESULT:   Monterrey   2-0

8. Santos vs. Toluca – Copa MX

The Apertura #14 hosts #5 here.  The winner will likely advance to the next round.

RESULT:   Santos   2-1

9. Sporting CP vs. FC Porto – Portugal League Cup

It’s a shame these two are meeting in the semifinal final instead of a round later.  These are the #2 and #1 teams in all the country.  And unlike with most FA and secondary cups (this is the latter), the semifinals are played at a neutral site (Braga).

RESULT:   Sporting   0-0  /  4-3 pk

Thursday, 1/25

10. Barcelona vs. Espanyol – Copa del Rey

This is the second leg of this Spanish FA Cup Quarterfinal.   You may recall we Tracked the first leg several days back, and that lowly Espanyol actually got a 1-0 win!   Things could be very different on the road against league-leading Barcelona, but it bets going into their house already down.

RESULT:   Barcelona   2-0

Monday, we embrace the darkness you bring.  Instead of mourning another weekend gone by, we celebrate you with Relegation-teams!

The ten most important soccer matches around the world for us, the newish American fans, always gives way on Mondays to focus on teams that may soon be dropped into lower league.  Let’s get to know some hopeless saps!

1. Swansea City vs. Liverpool – English Premier League

Last place Swansea has scored just 14 goals in 23 games.   To borrow from British parlance, that’s “no bueno”.

Liverpool is in 4^th, holding down this league’s final qualification slot for the next Champions League.  Noob loves rooting for an underdog has much as the next Amuricuhn, but Tottenham Sir Topham Hatt Hotspur lurk just two points behind them.  And if you’re a regular on this site, you know how Noob feels about the traitorously-named Hotspur squad.

RESULT:   Swansea   1-0     Noob may have been pulling for Liverpool, but it’s hard not to smile at a Relegation Monday miracle!

 

 

No delicious cookies, just death for traitors.

B.  Eibar vs. Málaga – La Liga

Last place Málaga have about as much trouble scoring as Swansea (13 goals in 19 games).  At least their opponent isn’t quite as strong as Liverpool.  Eibar are in 11^th.

Fun Fact:  if you’re wondering what that odor is, it is Málaga, but perhaps not just their offense.  They are nicknamed “The Anchovies”.

RESULT:   1-1

 

 

Sweet Number B!  Separate yourself from such atrocity.

3. Ermis Aradippou vs. Olympiakos Nicosia – Cypriot First Division

The bottom two in Cyprus’ top league will be automatically Dropped.   The next few compete in a Relegation-avoidance tournament at season’s end.  These two, in 10^th and 11^th, fall squarely in the middle of that group.

Fun Fact:  Φτεροπόδαροι – which Noob believes is Greek – means “Stingray”, Aradippou’s nickname.

RESULT:   Aradippou   4-0

4. Beitar Jerusalem vs. Bnei Sakhnin – Israeli Premier

In Israel, 7^th-14^th place play in a Relegation avoidance tournament at season’s end.  It’s unlikely any of those bottom eight will move up to 5^th.  Sakhnin occupies 9^th currently.  As they are tied for the league’s worst offense, it’s wonder they’re even that high.   Beitar jerusalem’s in 3^rd.

Fun Fact:  Sakhnin is an Arab city.  Even at just shy of 100, it is home to more Sufi Muslims than any other town in Israel.

RESULT:   Beitar   4-2

5. Sharjah Cultural Club vs. Al-Dhafra – Arabian Gulf League (U.A.E.)

Noob’s sources are in conflict.  This league’s name may now be “U.A.E. Pro-League”.  In any case, Al-Dhafra may not be part of whatever it’s called much longer.  They sit in last.  On the other hand, their goal differential is more in line with one of the mid-table clubs.

Noobstradamus is stepping in, divining that “The Western Knights” can pull off the win at 8^th place Sharjah.  Sharjah is tied for the worst offense in the league.

RESULT:   Sharjah   2-0      Noobstradamus fail

 

 

Never trust a bad offense.  Or girls who don’t dig older guys.

6. Hapoel Petah Tikva vs. Hapoel Ramat HaSharon – Liga Leumit

Unlike with Israel’s top-flight league, the mid-table is much more crowded in the second division league.  16 teams play in this one, and the bottom half will play a Relegation-avoidance tournament.

Petah Tikva is in 10^th, actually have a positive goal differential, and are only two points out of the top half of the standings.  7^th-place HaSharon, in addition to the weird capital S in the middle of their name, have a 0 GD.  They almost never draw.

So Noobstradamus is doubling down on upsets for today and calling this one for the home side!

RESULT:   HPT   1-0     Noobstradamus success!

 

 

NoobstradamuS.   At least my new capital S bookends the N nicely.

7. Denizlispor vs. Adanaspor – Turkey First League

Three teams will be demoted from this second-tier league.  Denizlispor sits atop that group of three, but is four points away from getting out of the Drop Zone.

Three teams will also move up from this into Super Lig.  The top two are promoted automatically, whole the next four have a playoff for the third berth.  Adanaspor are there, tied for 5^th.

Fun Fact:  On their crest, the host’s club name is stylized in all caps, except for the i’s.  Noob’s unsure if this is usual in Latinized Turkish writing or not.

RESULT:   Denizlispor   3-1      More Relegation Monday madness!

And now for a few non-Relegation matches

8. Israel vs. Finland – UEFA women’s World Cup qualifying

The teams vying for 2019 World Cup from Europe are divided into seven Groups of five each.   Each Group plays a double round-robin.  The winners will advance to WC, while the four best runners-up will have a Playoff.

Finland is in 2^nd place in their Group, three points behind Spain.  Israel sucks out loud, and it’s deafening.  Even at home, Israel would be doing well to only lose by two.

RESULT:   0-0

 

 

Inspiration from silly Gentile Phil Knight.

9. Universitario vs. Oriente Petrolero – 2018 Copa Libertadores qualification

Six teams are playing in this, the first qualifying stage for entry into South America’s version of Champions League.  These two are the fourth and final teams to get in from Peru and Bolivia respectively.  They will play a two-legged tie (home and away series) to advance to the next qualifying stage of sixteen teams.

Interesting side note:  The seedings for these teams, used to determine at which qualifying stage each enters, is in part based on tournament results going all the way back to 1960.  So historically good teams continue to have a distinct advantage.

RESULT:   Petrolero   2-0      Noob had the home and away teams turned around

10. Zambia vs. Namibia – African Nations Championship

Reminder of what we have here – CHAN is a biennial tournament competed by Africa’s 16 best national teams.  Noob’s uncertain how they determine that, given that players the teams for this event must be citizens of AND play in a league of the country they represent.

The top two finishers from each Group of four will advance.  Each Group team plays the others just once.  Zambia and Namibia have already both qualified for the next round, both being 2-0.  But finishing 1^st or 2^nd matters for seeding in the Knockout round.

RESULT:   1-1

 

-Jackie- CHAN??   No.

Dan the Intern-o Inferno strikes again.

Nice call on the squeegee, though.

TGIGF!

The Midweek ‘ten most important games for the newish American soccer fan’-edition was full of epic glory and sadness.

Minnowish third-tier Wigan took Noob-fave Bournemouth out of the FA Cup.  Espanyol gave Barcelona it’s first defeat of the season, in Copa del Rey.  And Dorados nearly pulled of the unthinkable in leading Monterrey for most of their Copa MX match.

But now we rack up a googol of frequent flier miles as we trot the globe on a lightly-scheduled Friday.

1. Atlas vs. Toluca – Liga MX

We start in North America, and with the only match we can easily get on the tube (10:00 PM EST, Univision Deportes).

Neither club won either of the two games they’ve played so far in the Clausura (second half-season).  Toluca earned a draw in one.  In the Apertura (first half-season), they finished 8^th and 5^th respectively.

 

 

Mexican Corbin Bernsen also stars on Univision.

B.  Norway vs. Scotland – women’s international friendly

It is strange-seeming to Noob that friendlies are going on during the middle of 2019 women’s World Cup qualifying.  But the world is full of strangeness, and this doesn’t move the needle in comparison to most of it.  These two are in 3^rd and 2^nd in their qualifying Groups of five there.

RESULT:   Norway   3-0

 

Ladies – especially pirate ones – love the Number B.

3. Slovakia vs. Russia – women’s international friendly

Russia is 0-1-1 in their WC qualifying Group.  Slovakia is 0-0-4 with a -14 goal differential.  I don’t think the hosts need this game for a tune-up or anything.   They’re not moving into the next WCQ round.

RESULT:   Slovakia   1-0

4. Derby County vs. Bristol City – EFL Championship

Derby County is in 2^nd place in England’s second-tier league.  They only lead Cardiff City by two points in the table, and only the top two teams will be automatically promoted to Premier League at season’s end.

Bristol City is in 5^th.  3^rd through 6^th place play a mini-tournament at the end of the year to determine which third team will also get promoted.  They lead the 6^th place teamS by four points.   They are suspect on defense and Noob wonders if they will make that playoff at all.

RESULT:   0-0

5. Libya vs. Nigeria – African Nations Championship

A reminder on what we have here:  This tournament is for the 16 best-rated countries in Africa.  The national teams may only be comprised of a countries’ citizens who also play in a league in that country.

This event in its Group Stage.  Each pod of four teams plays a single Round Robin.  The top two from each will advance.  Libya won their first match.  Nigeria only managed a draw in theirs, so this one is of vital importance to them.

RESULT   Nigeria   0-1

6. Racing de Olavarria vs. Ferro Carril Sud – Copa Argentina

If you’re thinking the Copa Argentina just crowned a champion, good on you, Noobite!   They’re already starting the 2017-18 version.  This match in particular isn’t so much “important” in and of itself so much as Noob’s letting you know the event is actually beginning.

In this opening round, they keep the third and fourth-level teams separate, only playing among themselves.  Only half has many fourth-level teams play though.  These two are from that level (Torneo Federal B).   I can’t tell you much else about them, but that the hosts are nicknamed “Steel”.

RESULT:     now listed as 1/27

 

 

You impressed Sean William Scott with your Copa recollection.

7. KPV vs. TPV Tampere – Finnish FA Cup

Four rounds have been completed in this event, and now begins the Group Stage.  Only now do teams from the country’s top two leagues even start playing.  KPV plays in the second tier, while TPV is from the third.

Fun fact:  KPV’s town of Kokkola also has a club just supported by Swedish-speakers (GBK).

RESULT:   0-0

8. Manama vs. East Riffa – Bahrain Premier

5^th hosts 7^th in a league that only seems to play 18 games per season.  They’re through 10 already.

Fun Fact:  As their rivals Al Ahli have much more success on the pitch, Manama specializes in buying and selling young players from African and Europe.

RESULT:   1-1

 

 

Manama(na).

9. MS PDB vs. Kasuka – Brunei Super League

7^th hosts 4^th.   This league is really only about three teams.  Kasuka are the best of the rest.

10. Kuressaare vs. Maardu – Estonia Winter Tournament

This is a preseason tournament for teams from multiple leagues.  They’re just a game into the opening Group Stage.

Maardu won the second-tier league last season, but declined promotion to the top league for financial reasons.  Kuressaare are the team that gets their promotion slot into the Meistrliiga instead.

Funnest Fact of All:   Noob just LOVES the return of getting to type and read “Meistrliiga”.   Those double i’s just mesmerize me.

 

Not the double i’s Noob meant, Father.

 

But I see you, baybee!