Category: 10 to Track

1. Trinidad and Tobago vs. U.S.A. – CONCACAF WCQ

Here we go, Amuricuh! A win gets our team 3^rd place, automatic advancement to WC. Even a draw almost guarantees it. The only way the U.S. won’t be playing in at least the interconfederation playoffs is if they lose to last place T and T and both Honduras and Panama win their final matches, falling to 5^th.  It is to weep.   No WC for Amuricuh.  The trifecta somehow actually happened.   RESULT:   T and T   2-1

    Amuricuh!

B. Panama vs. Costa Rica – CONCACAF WCQ

One bad thing for the U.S. is that Costa Rica has nothing to play for. They have clinched 2^nd and catch 1^st place Mexico.

Panama and Honduras are tied for that interconfederation qualification slot. One will have to play a South American also-ran to get into WC, one will go home. Honduras hosts Mexico for their last match. Even with nothing to play for themselves, Mexico should cruise. Panama tops Honduras on GD, is headed to WC!  For beating Mexico, Honduras gets to head to the interconfederation playoffs where they get Australia.   RESULT:   Honduras   2-1

   Noob isn’t pulling in that kind of coin.  Yet.

3. Netherlands vs. Sweden – UEFA WCQ

2^nd hosts 3^rd. Sweden is only a point behind 1^st place France in this group. They’d have to lose by five goals for Netherlands to tie them on points and pass them on goal differential.   France won their match anyway, so Sweden was 2nd place almost no matter what.   RESULT:   Netherlands   2-1

4. Portugal vs. Switzerland – UEFA WCQ

Portugal can catch Switzerland and claim 1^st place on GD with a win. No matter what, one of them is guaranteed at least 2nd place, advancing to the final WCQ.   Portugal moves on to WC!   Switzerland advances to the final WCQ round.   RESULT:   Portugal   2-0

  <—  not a Swiss catch

5. Estonia vs. Bosnia and Herzegovina – UEFA WCQ

B&H is in 3^rd. One source I scout indicates they are already eliminated, but this despite being shown only two points behind Greece for 2^nd. If they win and Greece loses, seems to Noob they’d get 2^nd place, advance. But it’s all so much rubbish. Greece plays utterly hapless Gibraltar.   Greece did in fact cruise.   B&H will watch WC from home.   RESULT:   B&H   1-2

6. Ecuador vs. Argentina – CONMEBOL WCQ

It’s hard to imagine WC without Argentina. Yet here they are, only tied for 5^th place – the interconfederation playoff spot – and behind Peru on a tiebreaker. Ecuador is out, but may not be easy meat, especially at home.   Argentina vaults into 3rd and to the WC!   RESULT:   Argentina   1-3

  For easy Ecuadorian meat, try the roasted cuy

7. Peru vs. Colombia – CONMEBOL WCQ

Peru gets the tougher opponent, though on their pitch. Colombia is in 4^th, yet amazingly is guaranteed nothing going to into this final match. Things are so tight in the standings after 1^st place Brazil.   Colombia remains in 4th, heads to World Cup!   Peru gets 5th, lives to tee off against New Zealand in the interconfederation playoffs.   RESULT:   1-1

8. Australia vs. Syria – AFC WCQ

These two each finished in 4^th place in their Groups in Asia. They are vying for the chance to whoop up on New Zealand in the interconfederation playoff. The first match of the two-legged tie– in Syria – ended in a 1-1 draw.   RESULT:   Australia   2-1

9. Rochester Rhinos vs. Bethlehem Steel – USL

Bethlehem is one of four teams competing for the last three playoff spots in the Eastern Division. The good news is that, though things in that group are very tight, the Steel are the only club with two games left to play.

Rochester is in 5^th and guaranteed a playoff spot. They’d like to climb at least a notch, get a home game there.   Rochester climbs to 4th.   Bethlehem falls into a tie with Cincinnati for 7th.   No eugoogalizing yet, but Orlando City B is just a point behind them both with just one match to go for them all.   RESULT:   Rochester   1-0

  If The Steel don’t make it, Noob can do the eugoogalizing.

10. Shamrock Rovers vs. Dundalk – FAI Cup (Ireland)

This is a semifinal, and a “replay”. Since their match at Dundalk ended in a draw, rather than do penalty kicks, they just play another match. But it gets hosted by the other team. If this one ends in a draw after 90 minutes, this time they will finish it with extra time and/or penalty kicks.  To Dublin’s southside we go!   Dundalk does what they didn’t manage on their own pitch on the first try.  On to the finals!   RESULT:   2-4  in aet

   Stephens Green Shopping Centre, southside Dublin.

Tomorrow is the last day of this round of 2018 FIFA World Cup qualifying. Noob will post an explainer showing who is in, who advances to the final qualifying round, who narrowly missed out, and who were the biggest surprises to move on.

Only one team featured today – Relegation Monday- in danger of Relegation.

1. Serbia vs. Georgia – UEFA WCQ

Serbia leads Wales and Ireland by one and two points respectively. But since those two play each other in their final Group Stage match, Serbia can do no worse than 2^nd place. That said, they are not guaranteed to not be the last 2^nd place Group finisher.

No matter. Georgia’s about to get clocked.   Serbia is headed to WC!   RESULT:   1-0  Serbia

  Forget Rickrolling, Noob just Flava Flav-ed yo azz.   10:09, mark it down, bitchez.

B. Wales vs. Ireland – UEFA WCQ

Either could win, place or show in the Group. Drama!

3. Iceland vs. Kosovo – UEFA WCQ

Croatia and Ukraine are each two points behind mighty Iceland. Since those two play each other in their final Group Stage match, Iceland can do no worse than 2^nd. And Iceland has enough points to guarantee themselves advancing into the final qualifying round.

No matter. Kosovo has yet to win a match this Stage.   Iceland is headed to WC!   RESULT:   2-0   Iceland

4. Ukraine vs. Croatia – UEFA WCQ

Either could win, place or show in the Group. Drama!

Noobstradmus forecasts Ukraine’s anger will be so pronounced due to so many people adding “the” in front of their nation name that they will take out their definite article-frustration on the slightly superior Croatian side. The vision indicates 4-1 Ukraine!   Noob super-fail!  Croatia finishes 2nd, will advance to the next qualifying round.   RESULT:   Croatia   0-2

   “I’ve had Lego-Gal Gadot and you haven’t.”

5. Belgrano de Cordoba vs. Atlanta – Copa Argentina

Here’s to the underdog! Belgrano’s not a very good Superleague side, but Atlanta plays plays in merely the third tier in Argentina’s pyramid system. Round of 16, one-off match.

Fun Facts: Atlanta is in the Villa Crespo neighborhood of over 85,000 people, smack in the center of Buenos Aires. It is thought to be named for either the earthquake that happened in Atlanta, GA at the time the founders were organizing, or for a naval ship.   Upset!!    Atlanta advances.   RESULT   Atlanta   1-2

  Villa Crespo: “We’re not as fancy as Palermo, but we have crocodile first floors!”

6. Universidad de Chile vs. San Luis – Copa Chile

This match will see the last semifinal slot filled. UdC is the defending Clausura champion. San Luis is pretty meh, and in trouble on the road.   Semis for U de Chile!   They win the two-legged tie with today’s draw, having won the first leg 0-1.   RESULT:   2-2

   Noob does’t think U de C will be the ones crying.

7. Shakhter Karagandy vs. Astana – Kazakhstan Premier

Astana won this league last year and lost to Celtic in the qualifying rounds of the Champions League. They’re in 2^nd place here late in the season, but largely because they’ve played three fewer games than 1^st place Kairat. SK is in 7^th.   Now slated for 10/11

8. Al Ahli Wad Medani vs. Al Hilal Kadougli – Sudan Premier

Noob plays no politics here. We love leagues that play on Mondays! AAWM is in danger of being relegated. Wad Medani is the capital of the state of Al Jazirah, and sits on the banks of the Blue Nile. The city is home to about 350,000. Maybe Madison, Wisconcon-y. Wisconsin sure sucks.   RESULT:   1-1

   Add a little color to empassion your supports, fellas.

9. Al Shorta Al Qadarif vs. Tari’a Al Beja – Sudan Premier

8^th takes on 11^th in a match featuring two teams we’ve Tracked before.   RESULT:   postponed

10. Jeunes Athletiques vs. Vital’O – Burundi Primus League

Burundi football, you have a piece of Noob’s heart as well! These two teams are 10^th and 11^th, but it’s extremely early in this league season.

Primus League, meet the experimental San Franciscan sounds of Primus.   RESULT:   1-3   Vital’O

1. North Carolina Courage vs. Chicago Red Stars – NWSL

The Courage are the #1 seeds in the postseason. Noob loves the one-off format. Winner will get Portland Thorns, who defeated Chicago Red Stars 4-1 yesterday.

NCC is the relocated defending league champion Western New York Flash, though a team by that name now competes in a lower league.   On to the final!   RESULT:   North Carolina 1-0

B. Poland vs. Montenegro – UEFA WCQ

As the World Cup Qualifying event in Europe heads into it’s tenth and final games, seems like a good time to remind Noobites of the stakes. The winner of each of the nine Groups of six automatically qualifies for WC 2018. All but the worst of the 2^nd place teams will advance to one more qualifying round. There, each team will play a two-legged tie with another. Winners of those qualify for WC. Losers go home.

Poland is in 1^st and guaranteed of at least 2^nd. Montenegro is in 3^rd – three points behind Denmark, so they must have a win for any hope of the next round.   Poland is headed to WC!   RESULT:   Poland   4-2

   Read #3 and get happy, fake Viking-guy!

3. Denmark vs. Romania – UEFA WCQ

See above. Denmark is three points behind Poland.   Denmark claims 2nd, advances to the final qualifying round.   RESULT:   1-1

4. Slovakia vs. Malta – UEFA WCQ

Slovakia is in 3^rd in their group, two points behind Scotland (and no one is catching England). Even if they catch the Scots, there’s a fair chance they’ll be in last of the 2^nd place teams and still not advance.   Slovakia ties for 2nd place in the Group and claims the tiebreaker over Scotland via goal differential.  They advance unless they finish in last among 2nd pale finishers – a real possibility.   RESULT:   Slovakia   3-0

     Weird thing is, he looks like a real-life former boss of Noob’s.

5. Slovenia vs. Scotland – UEFA WCQ

A win here, a Slovakia loss, and some help to not finishing last of all Group 2^nd place finishers is Slovenia’s only path to the next round. A win and Scotland is in, but a draw likely leaves them out. If Slovakia beats horrible Malta, Scotland loses the GD tiebreaker.   RESULT:   2-2

6. Egypt vs. Congo – CAF WCQ

Egypt leads 2^nd place Uganda by a point in this group, and has played one less game. They’re going to crush eliminated Congo.   Not a crushing, yet are now officially in WC!   RESULT:   Egypt   2-1

   Noob needs no reason.

7. Ottawa Fury vs. FC Cincinnati – USL

The Eastern Division last four playoff spots are up for grabs. Cinci sits at 7^th place, with a climb or drop of two spots easily possible.   Good LAWD!   Cinci falls into a tie for the last playoff slot.  Evil swamp city Orlando lurks just a point behind.   RESULT:   Ottawa   4-0

8. Gamba Osaka vs. Cerezo Osaka – J1 League Cup

Gamba earned a draw in the first match of this two-legged semifinal tie. Cerezo’s turn to try and make some road magic.   On to the final!   RESULT:   Cerezo Osaka   1-2

    Ask Noob where his comfort zone really is.

9. Antofagasta vs. Curico Unido – Copa Chile

C.U. Is the defending league champion. Antofagasta earned a draw on the road though and now has the advantage home in this quarterfinal.   Here’s a small surprise.  In most tournaments Noob has followed, the tiebreaker is away-goals.   Here, they eschew that and moved right to penalty picks.   RESULT:   Antofagasta   0-0 /   4-2 PK

10. Jeju United vs. Jeonbuk – South Korea K. League Classic

Noob can hardly believe this is our first South Korean match covered! 2^nd hosts 1st here. The top two league finishers auto-qualify for next year’s AFC Champions League. And Ulsan is hot on Jeju’s tail.   Five games to go, and Jeonbuk just got some security for the title,   RESULT:   Jeonbuk   0-1

  Peace, love, and South Korean ice fishing festival picture-posing gone wrong.

1. Colorado Rapids vs. FC Dallas – MLS

FC Dallas has fallen all the way into a three-way tie for the last three Western Division playoff slots. But no one is likely to catch that bunch. They head to 10^th place Colorado to play for seeding.   Dallas remains tied for 5th with Houston, but two teams are just a point behind.   RESULT:   1-1

B. Bulgaria vs. France – UEFA WCQ

Bulgaria is on life support with a negative goal differential an in 4th place. And 1^st place France will be coming to play since they’re only a point up on Sweden.   France is still just a point up on Sweden, but they are guaranteed to advance as 2nd if they don’t get 1st now.   RESULT:   France   0-1

   Raise your hand if you’re crappy national team – and your life – sucks.

3. Switzerland vs. Hungary – UEFA WCQ

“Weak group” or not, Switzerland has to be the surprise of the event so far, going 8-0-0. They’ve guaranteed themselves at least advancement to the next round, yet not automatic qualification. How? 2^nd place Portugal is 7-0-1. 3^rd place Hungary is already eliminated.   The Swiss now can’t worse than 2nd and will advance.   RESULT:   Switzerland   5-2

4. Cyprus vs. Greece – UEFA WCQ

4^th place Cyprus probably two wins to get two second place. Greece is just a point behind 2^nd place Bosnia and Herzegovina. Noobstradamus predicts a 1-3 Greek victory, yet doesn’t think they will ultimately catch B&H.   Noob misses, if not badly for once.   RESULT:   Greece   1-2

   Spiced lamb gyros?  Your darn right I can eat a dozen in a sitting.

5. Cape Verde vs. Senegal – CAF WCQ

Cape Verde is tied with Burkina Faso for 1^st in the Group, and Senegal lurks just a point behind them. How such a tight bunch?- surprisingly awful South Africa. Remember: One team per group heads to WC. All others weep for what is lost.   Senegal leaps into first!   RESULT:   Senegal   0-2

   South Africa football fan

6. Portland Thorns vs. Orlando Pride – NWSL

The ladies don’t mess around in the playoffs! One-off time, no home-and-away series here. These two are the #2 and #3 seeds. BAONPDX must prevail! Down with swamp city Orlando.    By Any Other Name / Portland!   RESULT:   Portland   4-1

    Earn the patch.

7. Miami vs. San Francisco Deltas – NASL

Deja vu all over again. SF earned a draw in Miami on 10/4 and likely sealed up a playoff bid. It’s still fun to watch the top two duel.   Upset!!   RESULT:   SF   0-3

8. Louisville City vs. Charlotte Independence – USL

City… as opposed to? Is there another high-level suburban or county team they’re afraid of getting mixed up with? Charlotte’s tied for 3^rd with Chalreston, and Noob is pulling for ’em.   Crapola.   RESULT:   Louisville   2-1

   Noob looks forward to your hateful comments, LFC supporters.

9. Connah’s Quay vs. T.N.S. – Welsh Premier

Noob is always down for #2 vs. #1! The New Saints didn’t start the season on fire, but they’re starting to give off some real heat. They’re 5-0-0 after an 0-1-1 start.   now slated for 10/7

10. Melbourne Victory vs. Sydney FC – Australian A-League

It may be the first football of the soccer season in Oz, but these are last season’s #2 hosting #1! Sydney toyed with this league all last year, and MV didn’t have much competition for 2^nd place.   RESULT   Sydney FC   0-1

  Oz = not a FIFA member

1. U.S.A. vs. Panama – CONCACAF WCQ

Amuricuh is in in 4^th, but only ahead of Honduras on goal differential (by a lot). This is the slot which leaves a club alive to fight another day, in the interconfederation playoffs. The top three all qualify for WC automatically, and just ahead in 3^rd is where Panama sits.   USA!  USA!   They;re not in 3rd and two points clear of 4th place Panama.  They’re still not even mathematically guaranteed 4th place with a game to go, but with one game to go against last place Trinidad and Tobago, Amuricuh is lookin’ good.   RESULT:  U.S.A.   4-0

  Roughriders!   Mount up.

B. Costa Rica vs. Honduras – CONCACAF WCQ

The U.S. is lucky Costa Rica still hasn’t quite guaranteed themselves WC qualification. They should be able to put away Honduras, leaving the U.S. in driver’s seat for 4^th, even if they lose to Panama.  Now slated for 10/7

3. Turkey vs. Iceland – UEFA WCQ

No one’s running away with this Group. Iceland is tied for first with less-than-intimidating Croatia. Turkey’s tied for 3^rd and only two points back.  Iceland can do no worse than 2nd now, and leads the Group!  Turkey is eliminated.   RESULT:   Iceland   0-3

   Icelandic turkey twizzlers.  Yup.

4. Croatia vs. Finland – UEFA WCQ

A win or draw by eliminated Finland would make this Group a REALLY tightly packed sausage.  And given that none of the teams in this group have been scoring much, that draw is far from out of the question.   Croatia falls into a tie for 2nd place with a game to go, though the lead Ukraine on GD.  Worse for them, they’re in a three-way tie for last among current Group 2nd place teams.  Last place won’t advance.    RESULT:  1-1

  Croatian kulen, arguably the world’s best spicy sausage.  Hang it in the attic to keep it out of the cold wind.  True.

5. Georgia vs. Wales – UEFA WCQ

The hosts are 5^th place and eliminated from WC contention. Wales is in 2^nd, four points back of 1^st. It’s imperative for Wales to get a road win here. As of right now, they are the bottom-ranked of all the second-place group teams. This is the only 2^nd place slot that doesn’t advance to the next round.   Good news, Wales!   You’re now only behind Serbia by one point for 1st in the Group.   Bad news, Wales.  You’re in the three-way tie for last among current 2nd place teams.   RESULT   Wales   0-1

6. Austria vs. Serbia – UEFA WCQ

Austria’s still alive – if just – in 4^th place. Serbia has a four-point lead on 2^nd, is guaranteed to finish in at least 2^nd themselves.  Even with the win, Austria is eliminated thanks to Ireland’s win over Moldova.   Meanwhile, Serbia remains in 1st place, but narrowly.

7. Italy vs. Macedonia – UEFA WCQ

Italy had the bad fortune of being drawn into the same group as dominant Spain. But they’ve all but guaranteed themselves 2^nd place and should wrap up at least that much here.   Epic result for Macedonia!!   Italy stil guarantees themselves advancement, though they cannot win the Group now.   RESULT:   1-1

  Noob is trying to find a single safety standard- oh wait, emissions!   Suckcess.

8. Mali vs. Ivory Coast – CAF WCQ

Groups of just four, so even last place Mali isn’t quite out of the hunt yet. But only one team from each African Group qualifies. All others go home. Ivory Coast leads 2^nd place by a point.   Mali is eliminated now.   Ivory Coast drops to 2nd, a point behind Morocco.   RESULT:   0-0

9. FC Edmonton vs. Jacksonville Armada – NASL

The Armada are in 5^th place in the Spring/Fall aggregate standings, and only the top four get in. Time to see if the trip Edmonton head coach Colin Miller took with Noob and other NASL folk – as described in the last D-Twos-day Interview – will have any unintended side effects or consequences.   The Armada is within just two points in the aggregate standings now for the 4th and final playoff spot.   RESULT:   Jacksonville   0-1

   Kissy, kissy, bad spirits!

 

10. Toronto FC II vs. Bethlehem Steel – USL

The sand is nearly out of the hourglass for the Steel, but they are only one spot out of the playoff. Toronto II stinks like old cheese, so this is their big chance to get rare road points.   Season saving road performance!   The Steel climb to 6th place.   RESULT:   Bethlehem   2-4

  Can’t let the playoff tiger out of the cage until it’s tamed.

1. Scotland vs. Slovakia – UEFA WCQ

Only two games to go in all the groups of six. Reminder: The winner of each qualifies for World Cup 2018. All but one of the nine 2^nd place teams will move on to one last qualifying round.

England has all but mathematically wrapped up 1^st in this Group. Scotland and Slovenia each trail Slovakia by a single point.   Scotland now in driver’s seat for advancing, but England sewed up first.   RESULT:  Scotland   1-0

B. England vs. Slovenia – UEFA WCQ

Speak of the devils.   RESULT:   England   1-0

  Awwwww…AHHHH!!!…awwwww!

3. Montenegro vs. Denmark – UEFA WCQ

Tied for 2^nd in their group on points. Tied on goal differential. And only three points from 1^st place Poland. Most meaningful match of the day.  Even a draw in their last Group stage match and they advance to next round.  RESULT:   Denmark   0-1

4. Armenia vs. Poland – UEFA WCQ

Noobstradamus has had a vision. Poland’s going on the road and winning 0-3. Cash on the barrelhead, Noobites.   Poland is officially in WC now.  RESULT:   Poland   1-6

5. Northern Ireland vs. Germany – UEFA WCQ

Even a tie and Germany is guaranteed 1^st place with another game to go. Northern Ireland is heading to the playoffs, having torched the rest of the group.   RESULT:   Germany   1-3

6. Argentina vs. Peru – CONMEBOL WCQ

This one should be extra interest to Amuricuhn fans.

All the South American countries involved play in a single group. The top four qualify for World Cup, and these two are tied on points and goal differential. 5^th place isn’t out though! That side will advance to the interconfederation playoffs. The U.S. could easily end up the opponent.   RESULT:   0-0

  You’re not the catch you think you are, lady.

7. Columbia vs. Paraguay – CONMEBOL WCQ

3^rd vs. 7^th. Even with a win here Paraguay may need a fair bit of help to claim fifth since there are only two games left.   BIG opportunity missed.  RESULT:   Paraguay   1-2

8. Chile vs. Ecuador – CONMEBOL WCQ

6^th hosts 8^th. A win and a draw in their last two should net Chile a qualifying spot. Ecuador’s all but cooked, too many teams to jump.  BIG opportunity nabbed by Chile!   They climb into tie for 3rd.   RESULT:   Chile   2-1

   Words fail, just like Ecuador does.

9. Syria vs. Australia – AFC WCQ

Each of these teams finished fourth in their group the previous round. They now play a two-legged tie for a slot in the interconfederation playoffs…where one of them will take target practice on New Zealand before heading to the WC.    RESULT:   1-1

10. Stjarnan vs. FC Rossiyanka – UEFA women’s Champions League

The Round of 32 is underway. Each pair of teams plays a two-legged tie.  Fun fact:  The Icelandic host side’s town of Garobaer has ~15,000 people. The Russians are from Khimki, a city of over 200,000.

Enjoy some Of Monsters and Men as you move on to your next interwebs activity!  They hail from Garobaer.   RESULT:   1-1

 

1. Medyk Konin vs. Lyon – UEFA women’s Champions League

Noob is embarrassed to not have provided info on this event before! Ladies rock. It’s just entering the Round of 32 Knockout stage. These matches are the first leg of ties. Lyon is the two-time defending champion. Polish side Meduk Kolin is going to need medICS.   D.O.A.   RESULT:   Lyon  0-5

B. BIIK Kazygurt vs. Glasgow City – UEFA women’s Champions League

This is the 5^th year in a row the Kazakhstani side has made the CL.   RESULT:   Kazygurt   3-0

   Superior potassium – check.   Good-looking football crest – um….

3. Atletico Madrid vs. Wolfsburg – UEFA women’s Champions League

Wolfsburg won the 2014 and 2015 CL’s.   RESULT:   Wolfsburg   0-3

4. Miami FC vs. San Francisco Deltas – NASL

Any chance SF has of catching Miami for first here in the Fall Season has to start here. On the road. Unlikely. But even a draw will help sew up their playoff bid.    RESULT:   1-1

5. Tampa Bay Rowdies vs. New York Red Bulls II – USL

RBNY II is holding on for dear life to their 8^th place playoff spot. TB is in 4^th and vying to hang onto their place for a home playoff game.    RESULT:   TB   3-2

   The surprise here is he’s not holding on, he’s doing pull-ups.

6. Phoenix Rising vs. Tulsa Roughnecks – USL

5^th hosts 7^th here. There’s a widening gap between the top eight in the Western Division and the rest of the league, so Tulsa isn’t in danger of losing their playoff spot even with a road loss.   RESULT:   Phoenix   4-3

7. Orange County FC vs. Sacramento Republic – USL

10^th vs. 6^th in a really competitive intrastate rivalry.   Irvine!   RESULT:   The O.C.  3-1

  Is Irvine or Sac-town the Rainbow Pants here?

8. Cerezo Osaka vs. Gamba Osaka – Japan League Cup

This is not Japan’s FA Cup, the Emperor’s Cup. It only involves J1 League teams. To be honest, Noob doens’t understand what this event really means given that it happens concurrently with the J1 League season. Nevertheless, this is a neat intracity rivalry, and it’s a semifinal.    RESULT:   2-2

9. Union de Santa Fe vs. Deportivo Moron – Copa Argentina

The single match Round of 16 continues as las tatengues (“the unionists”) hosts Moron, a name which actually should have an accent mark over the second o.    RESULT:   Moron   0-0 / 4-5 pk

    No no no.  MorON.

10. Aduana Stars vs. WAFA – Ghana Premier

2^nd hosts 1^st in a dreamy midseason matchup. This league only sends one club to next year’s CAF Champions League.    RESULT:   Stars   1-0

  But would he wear a foam cheese hat at 10 below zero with no short on?

1. Atlanta United vs. Minnesota United – MLS

This match won’t be close. Yet expansion Atlanta is worth watching live if you can. They’re in 3^rd place, and Noob thinks the second-best team in all MLS after Toronto FC.    Upset!    RESULT:   Minnesota   2-3

B. Port Vale vs. Newcastle United U21 – EFL Trophy

Let’s get to know England’s third-most prestigious tournament! For most of its history. This event has been just for teams in League One and League two – the third and fourth tier leagues in the UK. It now includes any Premiere League and Championship League (tiers one and two) academy teams.

The event starts this year with 64 teams, split up into Groups of eight. The top two from each group will advance. All teams are only just playing their second games of the event now. Here, League Two’s Port Vale takes on the Newcastle kiddies.   RESULT:   Port Vale  1-0

    Newcastle U21 taking in strategy lecture.

3. Walsall vs. Coventry City – EFL Trophy

Despite being only a League Two side, Coventry City is the event’s defending champions. As Noob lives in a namesake subdivision, they’re Adopted! Welcome to the family. Now – don’t suck.   Suck avoidance!   RESULT:   Coventry   2-2 / 3-4 pk

   Is the bird on the right a Phoenix, or just on fire?

4. Colchester United vs. Gillingham – EFL Trophy

How seriously do the English take their football? Colchester is a League Two club, yet has a stadium that holds 10,000. I think that’d be like Division III or NAIA American college football-level.   RESULT:   Gillingham   0-1

5. Peterborough vs. Northampton – EFL Trophy

Peterborough is known as “The Posh”. Noob doens’t know much about the town’s socioeconomic status. The nickname actually comes from a 1920’s coach who said he wanted posh players for his posh team.   Spicy.   RESULT:   Northampton  1-1 / 2-4 pk

   Supporter, or Wannabe supporter?

6. Internacional vs. Parana Clube – Brasileiro B

Internacional won the Copa Libertadores in 2010, so it’s a wonder to see them playing second-tier league football. That said they’re in 1^st and have their promotion back into top flight basically locked up. Parana Clube is in 3^rd. Four teams get promoted, but they’re not out of the woods yet.   had the home and away teams mixed up.   Parana   1-0

7. Arambagh vs. Dhaka Mohammedan – Bangladesh Premier

We return, Noobites, to the land of Bengal! Come for the football, stay for the hot beef curry. Actually, you can have my portion. Nasty curry! 8^th hosts 7^th place here.    RESULT:  DM   1-3

   with potato

8. Sheik Russell vs. Saif FC – Bangladesh Premier

5^th hosts 3^rd. Saif is also the name of the league’s title corporate sponsor. That makes it seem a wonder to Noob that the namesake club doesn’t end up undefeated.   RESULT:   1-1

9. LLB S4A – Le Messager Bujumbura – Burundi Primus League

Lydia Ludic Burundi Sports 4 Africa are the league’s defending champion. They’re just getting going this season, but they’re in first again. Intracity rival LMB is in 15^th.   RESULT:   L.L. Bean  1-0

   This club’s other full name.  And crappy crest!  Booo.

10. Ngozi City vs. Aigle Noir – Burundi Primus League

5^th hosts 4^th in another solid African league matchup. Noob coudn’t quickly find much on either team. But it’s interesting that Aigle Noir is also the name of a Haitian football club.   RESULT:   Aigle Noir   2-3

   Incorrect, sub-Saharan Urkel.

 

It’s been sort of happening already, so let’s make it official! Mondays are now Relegation Mondays!!

For the newest Noobites, relegation is when a team gets kicked down a league on their nation’s soccer pyramid at the end of a season in which they finish low enough.

Mondays tend to be lighter on high-end, important matchups between teams in bigger leagues. The same is true for Fridays, a day on which we tend to “globetrot” – check out games from far less heralded soccer countries. Mondays we will spend some (though not all) T2T slots on games involving teams which currently st at or near the bottom of their leagues’ standings.

Let’s get to know some clubs struggling to stay “above the line” before they disappear at season’s end.

1. AA Ponte Preta vs. Flamengo – Brazil Serie A (Futebol Brasileiro)

Noob thinks Team Macaca (she-monkey) can stay stay above the relegation line, but they’re running out of time to catch Avai for 16^th.

AAPP’s mascot is a result of what’s linguistically known as “seizure”.  Here, a racially derogatory term formerly used against the club they turn to a positive.  They were one of the first clubs in Brazil to accept black people.   To 15th!   RESULT:   Ponte Preta   1-0

B. Carmelita vs. Saprissa – Costa Rica Premier

Carmelita sits in second to last place, and so is just above this league’s relegation line. Saprissa is one of North America’s finest clubs, so this is a toughie even at home.

Carmelita actually has one one league championship (1961). but they were one of only three tems in it at the time. Most of the other clubs had broken off that year to try forming their own league. When they came quickly back, their champions – Herediano – was officially recognized as that year’s champions. It wasn’t until 2001 that Costa Rica re-recognized Carmelita as title-holders.   RESULT:   Saprissa   0-2

   Even Ryan Gosling couldn’t mind if you spruced up that boring crest with a papyrus font.  Something.  Anything.

3. Mladost Doboj Kakanj vs. Celik Zenica – Bosnia and Herzegovina Premier

The bottom six teams of the 12 in this league take part in a relegation playoff-avoidance tournament at season’s end. Both these clubs currently reside in that range. Celik Zenic appears much worse than nearly all the other clubs.

Fun Fact: Celik is Bosnia for “steel”, the production of which is a big part of the economy there.  RESULT:   MDK   4-0

4. Partizani vs. Lushnja – Albania Superliga

This league’s season is just getting started really, so much can of course change. But right now these two occupy the bottom two slot in the standings, both of which are relegation spots.

Partizani actually finished 2^nd in the league last season, so this may well be their only Monday appearance here. KF Tirana is their in-town rival. Partizani is more of a suburban team.   RESULT:   0-0

   The Ocho was invented for Albanian football.

5. Kukeski vs. Skenderbau – Albania Superliga

These two are part of a four-way tie for first, though they’ve each played one fewer match than the other two clubs in that glob. Kukeski is the reigning league champion. In the current Champions League, they narrowly lost to Moldovan side Sheriff Tiraspol, which advanced on a tiebreaker.    RESULT:   Skenderbau   1-2

6. Atlantas Klaipeda vs. Suduva – Lithuania A Lyga

Meanwhile, this league’s regular season is nearly completed. The top six of the eight here play a championship tournament. 4^th hosts 3^rd here, but seeding won’t change. There’s a serious gulf between the top three and all the rest.    RESULT:   Suduva  1-2

  For 55 years, Seahorses kickin’ butt.

7. Muktijoddah vs. Farashganj – Bangladesh Premier

Back to Relegation fuhn! Farashganj sits in last place place, the league’s only relegation slot. Muktijoddah isn’t much better early on.   Appropriate.   RESULT:   0-0

8. Chittagong Abhani vs. Sheik Jamal – Bangladesh Premier

1^st hosts 2^nd at the other end of the league’s spectrum, and Noob loves him the Chittagong! The Blue Pirates will win 3-1. Noobstradmus sees all.   Noob fail!   RESULT:   1-1

   Even with Forest Whitaker-eye.

9. Rahmatganj vs. Team BMJC – Bangladesh Premier

Don’t you quit on it, Noobites! They play on weekdays, so we’re gonna know ’em. 6^th hosts 9^th.

Fun Fact: The hosts primary corporate sponsor is a cement company.   RESULT:   BJMC   1-2

    Back off, Patankin, this is Noob’s house.

10. Hay Al Wadi vs. Ahli Atbara – Sudan Premier

Like a persnickety housewife sneaking kale into the family stew, Noob slips you the ol’ Sudani. 9^th hosts 10^th place.    RESULT   1-1

   The ol’ Sudani?    Noob’s gonna leave you the mystery.

1. Newcastle vs. Liverpool – English Premiere

9^th hosts 6^th place in the most competitive match on paper in the EPL today.   RESULT:   1-1

   The cormorant, AKA the namesake liver bird

B. Seattle Sounders vs. Philadelphia Union – MLS

Coming in to the weekend, Seattle is just a point out of first and in a three-way tie for 2^nd. Philly isn’t as bad as their record and second-to-last spot in the standings might indicate. Their goal differential is barely negative, and Noob thinks they’d be flirting with the playoffs if they were in the Western Division.   Ha!  Stow it, Sounders.   RESULT:   Philly  0-2

   If you say so…

3. Pumas UNAM vs. Cruz Azul – Liga MX

Neither of the two Liga MX games looks like it will be close, though at least bottom feeder UNAM is hosting this one. Cruz Azul s in 8^th and needs to earn three points in games like these to pass some clubs.   Cruz Azul now in three-way tie for 3rd.   RESULT:   Cruz Azul   1-4

4. FC Edmonton vs. San Francisco – NASL

San Francisco’s spot in the playoffs looks safe. Miami FC is likely to be the winner of the Fall Season in addition to their Spring Season top finish. SF is has the most aggregate points of all other teams, and three other will make the playoffs.   RESULT:   Deltas   0-1

   And ends with you.

5. Sporting FC vs. FC Porto – Portuguese Liga

Best game in the world today. It’s early in their season, but these are two traditional heavyweights and they’re 2^nd and 1^st.    Maybe she and a friend were in the goals?     RESULT:   0-0

   No no no!   Wrong Portuguese heavyweight.

6. Etoile du Sahel vs. Al Ahly – CAF Champions League

First leg of the semifinal tie. No matter it turns out, Noobstradamus thinks the survivor of these two games will win the whole shebang.   RESULT:   Sahel   2-1

7. Dundalk vs. Shamrock Rovers – FAI Cup (Ireland)

The Emerald Isle’s FA cup is in the semis. Dundalk seems pretty clearly the second-best team after Cork City, and there seems little reason to think they won’t handle the visiting Dubliners in this one-off.   Either this is a two-legged tie or they replay the match because of the draw.  Regardless, these two go at it again in several days.   RESULT:   1-1

8. Young Boys vs. St. Gallen – Swiss Super League

#1 hosts #2. Fun Fact: The only other two sport Young Boys of Bern compete in as an organization are field hockey and bowling.   RESULT:   Young Boys   6-1

  bowlingnoob.com ?

9. Rosenborg vs. Sarpsborg – Norway Eliteserien

#2 Sarpsborg has some serious catching up to do to threaten Rosenborg for the only slot for this league is next year’s UEFA Champions League.   Draw assimilated.   RESULT:   1-1

   THE borg.

10. Ulnizi Stars vs. Kakamega Homeboyz – Kenya Premier League

These teams were each a shade higher in the standings when Noob was first scouting games for today’s date. Still, 4^th vs. 6^th place collide with two teams that have made second half surges.   Kakamega wins by an inch.   RESULT:   Homeboyz   0-1

   So many jokes, so little time.