Soccernoob

1. Atlas vs. America – Apertura Copa MX

Group stage matches. Pods are just three teams each, and nearly all the second-place pod finishers will also advance.

These two are all but guaranteed to advance to the knockout stage. But the 16 teams there will be seeded, so these two may not just sit on their heels for a nil-nil’er. And they’re pretty evenly matched.

B. Oaxaca vs. Leon Apertura – Apertura Copa MX

Leon -is- guaranteed advancement to the knockout stage. Oaxaca is in 2^nd in the group. They are also right on the cut line for second-placed teams to advance. Oaxaca was the better team last Clausura, so Noob looks for them to put it to a perhaps-resting Leon side.

3. Zacatecas vs. Morelia Apertura – Apertura Copa MX

A likely win versus the already-eliminated Zacatecas should be at least enough to keep them well up in the second-place pod finishers standings to advance.

4. Toluca vs. Universidad de Guadalajara – Apertura Copa MX

Same situation as in letter B above. Toluca is already in. U de G on the second-placers cut line. The one difference is that Toluca is a powerhouse and U de G is middling. Noob thinks “The Sausagers” will be the only team to advance from this pod.

  nothing less attractive than a cute girl who openly knows just how cute she is

5. Cruz Azul vs. U.A.N.L. – Apertura Copa MX

U.A.N.L. is in 3rd in this pod, but three points would catch them right up to 2^nd. Cruz Azul is hardly running away with the group, so this should be a lively match.

6. Seattle Sounders FC 2 vs. Tulsa Rednecks – USL

The USL season’s about ¾ of the way through. Seattle isn’t far behind 6^th place Tulsa in points, but they have three to jump other teams to that last playoff spot. Is it too early to say must-win?

7. Newell’s Old Boys vs. Godoy Cruz – Copa Argentina

No messing around in Argentina’s FA Cup. These are bracketed, single-game knockout matches. This is a very evenly-matched game for the Round of 32. Noob says advantage Newell’s.

8. Colo-Colo vs. Iberia – Copa Chile

Colo-Colo is the all-time great Chilean club. But their hyphen disappears and reappears depending on what source’s Noob is reading. Madness! Despite this, they should blow middling B-side Iberia out of the water.

  Noob’s hero

9. Atletico Nacional vs. Patriotas – Copa Colombia

Arguably Colombia’s all-time best team is actually down 2-3 on aggregate to the far-lesser Premier club. A one-goal win should be enough for the host “Purslanes” to advance though, since those two away-goals would likely win a tiebreaker.

10. Hearts of Oak vs. Aduana Stars – Ghana Premier

In 2009-10, the Stars demolished the world record for lowest goals-per-game average (0.6333) of any club league champion. Soccer fever – catch it! In this case, you may be able to catch it very easily.

1. Guadalajara vs. Santos Apertura – Copa MX

Both these teams are very likely to advance out of the Group Stage, given that the only other team in their pod hasn’t won a point yet.

B. Tijuana vs. Atalante Apertura – Copa MX

Tijuana should absolutely tee off against the Ascenso side. Pirate a stream to see arguably North America’s best club put on a show.

  Charleston, VA protests were worse.  But this doesn’t look promising, Tijuana.

3. Cimarrones de Sonora vs. Queretaro – Apertura Copa MX

Queretaro isn’t a particularly good side in Liga MX, but Sonora hasn’t won a point yet.

   In a word:  No.

4. U.A.E vs. Saudi Arabia – AFC World Cup qualifying

Looks like the hosts need to win their last two matches of this Group Stage to advance. Saudi Arabia is in 2^nd there.

5. Blackpool vs. Wigan Athletic – EFL Trophy

Check out the new static Vocab page for competition definitions in brief.

Blackpool was just promoted from League Two to League one, while Wigan just got relegated from from the Championship to League One. Noob thinks Wigan might be more focused on league play, picks The Tangerines.

  Noob once drew a face on an unripened papaya and named it “Luke”.  True story.

6. Coventry City vs. Shrewsbury Town – EFL Trophy

Coventry are the reigning champions of this event, but Shrewsbury had the better league season last year.

7. Curico Unido vs. Palestino – Copa Chile

Curico won the B league last year, but Palestino played excellent A-ball and should handle the cake-makers. Cake-makers? I was considering Adoption, but didn’t find why they are called such. What I -did- find by accident was the slang definition of the term. Noob tries to run a clean house. Google up that if you’re so inclined. But wow, be warned.

  This just feels unnecessary.

8. Bankstown Berries vs. Sydney FC – Australian FFA Cup

This is the only major football association cup played in Oz. Bankstown merely competes in the second-best league in New South Wales (third-highest in the country’s overall league system). They should get housed by defending champions A-League “Harbor City Originals”.

9. Queens Park Rangers vs. AFC Bournemouth – club friendly

Noob doesn’t understand why teams are playing friendlies during their league seasons. But maybe my Cherries have a fighting chance, even on the road, against the second-tier Rangers. No, Noob is not bitter about the extra-time goal they gave up over the weekend to lose. Not.

10. Malaysia U23 vs. Thailand U23 – Southeast Asian Games

Final! The host Malaysians could be seen has coasting here, but Noob predicts this doesn’t get decided in the first 90 minutes.

  Rimau, we hardly new ye.  Noob’s loss.  Farewell, SEA Games!

It seems few if any league’s out there do something analogous to NFL Monday Night Football.  And so achtung!  Without big league matchups of note, most of today’s T2T we will spend getting to know a little about some of our cousin England’s teams and towns of the National Division.

It’s defined in Noob’s new Vocab page, but here’s the skinny:   This is the 5th level of football in the league system. There’s the Premiere League, then the Football League – which houses the next three leagues/levels of play.  Then there’s The National League System, which oversees almost 90 leagues.  These guys are the top of that.  Teams from here can be promoted into League Two, the 4th level in the league system.

1. Bromley vs. Sutton United – National League (English)

Bromley is a district in southeast London. The population is maybe 75,000. The home ground of the Ravens or Lilywhites” seats 1300, but has a total capacity of 5000.

Bromley and Sutton are 4^th and 2^nd place respectively in the early season league standings.

B. Maidenhead vs. Leyton Orient – National League (English)

Maidenhead is in Berkshire County, with a population of maybe 75000. The Magpie’s home ground of York Road seats 550 with a capacity of 4000. It is longest-continuously-used ground by one club in English history. They are only a semi-professional club.

Maidenhead and Leyton Orient are in 9^th and 8^th place respectively.

3. Eastleigh vs. Aldershot Town – National League (English)

Eastleigh is in Berkshire Bounty, with a population of maybe 30,000. The Spitfires’ home ground seats 2700 and has a total capacity of almost 5200.

Eastleigh and Aldershot are in 10^th and 5^th place respectively.

4. Dover Athletic vs. Ebbsfleet United – National League (English)

Dover is in Kent County and has a population of over 31000. It sits at the narrowest point of the English Channel. The Whites’ home ground seats over 1000 and has a total capacity of over 5700.

Dover an Ebbsfleet are in 7^th and 12^th place respectively.

5. Boreham Wood vs. Wrexham – National League (English)

Borehamwood – as the town is now spelled as one word – is in Heretford County, a commuter town of London’s with a population of about 31,000. The Wood’s home ground seats 1700, with a total capacity of 4500.

Boreham Wood and Wrexham are in 3^rd and 11^th place respectively.

Wrexham-N-Effect?  No.

Noob is not convinced the young saxophonist was cast based in her New Jack Swing stylings, ability…

6. Gateshead vs. FC Halifax Town – National League (English)

Gateshead is in Tyne and Wear County and has a population of over 120,000. The Heed’s home ground holds close to 12,000.  Heed….maybe just re-spelling of Head?  I found it in singular form regarding the club.

Gateshead and Halifax are in 6^th and 13^th place respectively.

7. Maidstone United vs. Dagenham & Redbridge – National League (English)

Maidstone is a town of well over 160,000 in Kent County. The Stones’ home ground seats under 800, with a total capacity of over 4000.

Maidstone and D&R are in 14^th and 1^st place respectively.

8. AFC Fylde vs. Barrow – National League (English)

AFC Fylde is based in the town of Wesham is in Lancashire County. The town has a population of maybe 3500, but the Borough of Fylde has more like 78000. The Coasters; home ground holds 7000.

Fylde and Barrow are in 17^th and 16^th place respectively.

9. Sheikh Jamal vs. Brothers Union – Bangladesh Premier

Sheikh Jamal and Brothers Union are in 3r and 4^th place respectively. S.J. Is known as “The Yellow Fear”, presumably because for the last season or two their yellow home kits have been made by a company named “Yellow”. Sounds more like a bile-inducing sickness. Go, B.U.

  Take two, root for Brothers Union, and call Noob in the morning.

10. Hurricanes vs. St. John’s – Grenada Premier

These two are in 1^st and Noob -thinks- 4th respectively. Shockingly, Grenadine soccer isn’t abounding on the interblag. Finding quality football for Mondays isn’t the easiest! But now we know that country -has- a league. In fact, they even have pro-rel with a second one!

  Grenada!!!!!!!

(Wasn’t that, like, 12 hours?)

1. Toronto FC vs. Montreal Impact – MLS

Right now, Montreal is in a dogfight with expansion Atlanta for the sixth and final playoff spot in the Eastern Division. A road trip to class-of-the-league Toronto may not help their cause.

  Canadiaian puns are best!

B. Seattle Sounders vs. Portland Timbers – MLS

#1 hosts #2 in the desperately tight Western Division.

It’s ‘Rivalry Week’ as advertised by (I think) ESPN. This sounds very collegiate to me for some reason. But television ratings for MLS are. Not. Good. Can’t blame them for trying.

  Rivalry Week gone wrong

3. Liverpool vs. Arsenal – English Premiere

Last season’s #4 vs. #5 in a battle of two traditional powerhouses.

I’ve looked back over all the EPL final season standings of the 21^st C., and Liverpool defines ‘close but no cigar’ for title contention.

4. Chelsea vs. Everton – English Premiere

Everton just finished downing Croatian side Hajduk Split in the final qualifying round of the Europa League. Noob wonders if they’ll have much in the tank for a road trip against last season’s EPL winner.

5. Napoli vs. Atalanta – Serie A

Atalanta crashed the top four-party last season in Italy. Noob is American, and so enjoys underdogs. Atalanta is easily the best Italian team to not be based in a truly major metro area.

  Translation:  We look like villainous henchmen casting rejects from the original Die Hard movie.

6. Veracruz vs. Pumas UNAM – Liga MX

OK, it’s not a smexy matchup, but it should at least be more competitive than Toluca-Puebla. Both teams are toiling early this Clausura (half season) in the lower half of the league standings.

7. Shimizu S-Pulse vs. Urawa Red Diamonds – J1 League

Not a match that will help determine and postseason play, qualification into larger competitions here. But Urawa is Noob’s team, here our cry – “Gym – Tan – Sushi!”

  Yes.  Where the sushi goes.  Thanks yet again, The Situation.  You know Urawa doesn’t pay you, right?

8. Zenit St. Petersburg vs. Rostov – Russian Premier

Confession: Noob thought 3^rd place-Rostov might be a newly-promoted team to this top league. They actually finished 6^th last year, just off my radar. Zenit is undefeated with just one draw.

9. Sturm Graz vs. Salzburg – Austrian Bundesliga

In the heart of the soccer breadbasket of the world, it is to be wondered why Austria’s top flite league isn’t stronger than it is. Here, last season’s top two clubs clash.

  Shoosh.  Go watch the Total Recall remake that looks like it was randomly generated.

10. Colo Colo vs. Universidad de Chile – Chilean Seabass Premier

Colo Colo is the only non-university sponsored team in the top four. They are the defending champs and arguably the greatest team historically. Chile U. is their biggest rival.

1. Houston Dynamo vs. Sporting Kansas City – MLS

4^th and 3^rd in the Western Division. Too much season left to call it a battle for home field advantage, but this should still be a doozy.

B. Orlando City vs. Vancouver Whitecaps – MLS

Vancouver is in 6^th in the West, just above the Playoff line, and really is better than the teams just below them. Their hold remains tenuous just the same. Orlando City is 8^th in the Eastern Division and has the second-worst goal differential there. Swamp-built cities must go down and stay down.

  Nice sentiment, but, umm…weren’t you replaced?  * ducks buckshot *

3. Cruz Azul vs Monterrey – Liga MX

Neither has lost this Clausura (half season), but Cruz Azul has also only won twice. Monterrey looks dominant.

4. AFC Bournemouth vs. Manchester City – EPL

Based on last season’s standings, no supersweet league matchups here. So by default, I give yo my Cherries – go, Bournemouth!

5. FC Kansas City vs. Orlando Pride – NWSL

Orlando has nearly wrapped up a Playoff spot, sitting in 4^th and I think this is their last regular season game. Tiebreakers aside, even a draw at soft KC should be enough.

6. Cerezo Osaka vs. Kashima Antlers – J1 League

#2 hosts #1 in the match of the season! There are no league playoffs in J1. Also, I only recently learned Cerezo was only promoted to J1 this season. I wonder if there’s a lot of parity over there, or if there is new ownership spending money or some such.

7. Sofapaka vs. Posta Rangers – Kenya Premier

Two of the top three teams here.

Sofapaka is mainly an abbreviation for “we as a family achieve together”. Kinda cool! But no adoption by the Noob until they change their mascot to “the Alpacas”.

8. Independiente Medellin vs. Atletico Nacional – Colombia Premier

Nacional might win if not for you Medellin kids! * fist shaking *

  Oh, you think you’re the only people who give Noob that stare?  Puh-lease.

9. Reno 1868 vs. Swope Park Rangers – USL

Despite only being in 4^th, they have the best goal differential in the entire league.  The Kansas City reserve squad need to start hot on the road.

10. San Francisco Deltas vs. Edmonton – NASL

I don’t know if it’s a chain or not, and if so how widespread, but The Management has informed me of an outfit in SF called Proposition Chicken. Noob and The Management love our sammiches. Go, Deltas, and stuff.

  Let’s Noob’s prideless sponsor search — BEGIN!!

1. New York Red Bulls vs. NYCFC – MLS

Red Bulls are in 5^th, yet their only real threat to one of the 6^th Eastern Division playoff spots appears likely to be the expansion Atlanta United side. NYCFC sits in firmly in 2^nd.

B. Paris Saint-Germain vs. St. Etienne – Ligue 1

Noob normally wouldn’t pay too close of attention to standings just three matches into a season, but St. Etienne is one of the three 3-0 teams so far. So is PSG. Is Etienne for real? They were in the 1960’s and 70’s. -Really- real.  Whilst you ponder, enjoy English indie pop band Saint Etienne’s cover of this Neil Young tune.

3. Tijuana vs. Pachuca – Liga MX

Last Clausura (half season), Tijana reigned. This go-round, they are having trouble finding their feet. Meanwhile. Pachuca is 3-0-3 – no losses.

4. Consadole Sapporo vs. Vegalta Sendai – J1 League

Sapporo was promoted from J2 League last season and is only one point and standings slot above the relegation line.

5. Libertad vs. Independiente de Santa Fe – Copa Sudamericana

Paraguayan and Colombian sides meet in their first leg (match) of the tie (two-game set) in the Sweet 16. The bracketed stage is seeded and this is an 8-9 matchup. Noob thinks the home team wins by a couple goals though. Colombia’s pretty low on the totem pole down there football-wise.

6. Orange County vs. Oklahoma City Energy – USL

Noob’s adoration for division two American soccer never wanes. These sides are 10th and 8th in the Western Division respectively. But you have to get pretty late in the season to count a team out since six teams from each division make the Playoffs. That said, if the OC in particular loses here, they’ll be sorely behind the eight ball.

7. Emelec vs. Macara – Ecuador Premier

One of Emelec’s team nicknames is “The Blue Ballet”.

And you’re going to tell me the NHL expansion team couldn’t have gone with “the Babies”? Vegas, baby, Vegas. The different iterations of this as a nickname, mascot, and merchandising possibility make Noob’s head swoon. Swoon! Instead of foam #1 fingers, imagine placards in the shape of and picturing the Gerber Baby’s head. Golden Knights is worse than an endless blackjack shoe. But I digress.

  Mr. President, were you the Gerber Baby?

8. Green Buffaloes vs. Zesco United – Zambia Premiere

Top 5 clubs. As this league hits about the two thirds mark of the season, only those five have 40+ points.

9. Flora Tallinn vs. FCI Tallinn – Estonia Meistriliiga

Flora is pulling away with the league, FCI is fourth. But who can focus on such when that double-i has Noob’s gaze affixed yet again.

  Do not question Noob about his love for consecutive i’s.

10. Alashkert vs. Pyunik – Armenia Premier

Alashkert advanced out of the first qualifying round of the 2017-18 UEFA Champions League this year before losing in the second. But Noob is no fan! This team as a historical tendency to dissolve – pick up their ball and go home- – whenever they get relegated.

  Don’t you ever turn your back on us again, Alashkert baby chick!

1. Zenit St. Petersburg vs. FC Utrecht – Europa League

Zenit are the “anti-aircraft gunners”. Maybe it sounds less super-specific and weird in Russian. Utrecht lead 1-0 on aggregate.

B. FC Midtjylland vs. Apollon Limassol – Europa League

One of Apollon Limassol’s nicknames is simply “God”. Does that work in Cypriot bars with the ladies, really? Seems more douchebag, less alpha. Limassol lead 3-2 on aggregate.

  Doucheville, Cyprus.  Check Trip Advisor before visiting.

3. Red Star Belgrade vs. Krasnodar – Europa League

RSB was the best team from Yugoslavia. They have never qualified for Champions League via Serbia. Krasnodar lead 3-2 on aggregate.

4. Hajduk Split vs. Everton – Europa League

I listened to some of the first game of this the tie on satellite radio. Those Croatian fans are a handful! FIFA probably has some more colorful descriptives, as they have a history of shenanigans. Everton lead 2-0 on aggregate.

  “Less Filling!   Tastes Great!”… “Oh s**t!”

5. Athletic Bilbao vs. Panathinaikos – Europa League

Bilbao is famous for it’s “cantera” policy, signing only Basque players They leads 3-2 on aggregate.

6. Plaza Amador vs. Walter Ferretti – CONCACAF league

These are two evenly matched teams, and they finished with a scoreless draw in the first leg of the tie.

7. Olimpia vs. Alianza – CONCACAF league

The Honduran hosts already lead 1-0 on aggregate and should make quick work of the El Salvadoran side.

8. Nacional vs. Estudiantes la Plata – Copa Sudamericana

This Copa is the South American equivalent of UEFA’s Europa League. It is in the round of 16, where apparently matchups can still be uneven. Because Argentina’s Estudiantes are going to house the Paraguayans.

9. Deportivo Cali vs. America Cali – Copa Colombia

Deportivo leads 1-0 on aggregate in this quarterfinal tie. Winner gets to pick up any silver the colonial Spaniards dropped back in the day after mauling the mines.

10. Oriente Petrolero vs. The Strongest – Bolivia Professional League

The Strongest, you should go clubbin’ with team “God” from Cyrpus. I wonder which would lead and which would act as wingman.

  So which team gets to be bloated, throat cancer Val Kilmer 30 years from now?