Soccernoob

1. FC Dallas vs. Houston Dynamo  – MLS

Both fell a little in the Western Division standings recently, but are still holding playoff slots. A result here for #5 Houston would be sweet against their Texas rival.

B. Vancouver Whitecaps vs Seattle Sounders FC – MLS

Conversely, these sides climbed a little.  The Sounders are now in first, while Vancouver climbed into the 6^th and final playoff slot. For the moment.

3. FC Copenhagen vs. FC Qarabag – UEFA Champions League

This looks like the most interesting of the five games for this event today. Qarabag leads 1-0 on aggregate. Remember: this is the Playoff (fourth) Round. Winner gets to the Group Stage, the “competition proper”.

4. Monterrey vs. Toluca – Liga MX

Last Clausura’s #2 and #4. Early this Clausura, #1 vs. #4. Two of North America’s best teams.

5. Sacramento Republic vs. Swope Park Rangers – USL

Rangers are in the top-heavy Western Division’s top four, so they’re probably playing for playoff seeding now. Sacramento is #5, trying to stay above the line.

6. Cheltanham Town vs. West Ham United – EFL Cup

C-Town plays in the fourth tier of England”s football pyramid, and so should be toast against the Premiere League side. At least the Robins are hosting, so they won’t have to wait long to jump into one of the town’s famous spas.

7. Flamengo vs. Botafogo – Copa do Brasil

We’re down to the semis. The first leg of the tie was scoreless. This is important because of away-goals as a tiebreaker. If Botafogo can manage even a single goal, they advance to the Final even if this game ends in a draw.

8. Kawasaki Frontale vs. Urawa Red Diamonds – AFC Champions League

This is a quarterfinal for Asia’s CL. It seems a more teams from the same countries are paired off this round for it to be more than coincidence. Go, Urawa. Gym, tan, sushi!

  The Situation indicates where the sushi ends up.

9. Arabe Unido vs. Aguila – CONCACAF League

The Panamanians host this end of the quarterfinal tie already leading 2-0 on aggregate. They should advance to face who I believe to be the tournament favorites – Santos de Guapiles of Costa Rica.

10. Gor Mahia vs. Posta Rangers – Kenya Premier

The top two Kenyan clubs do battle. Fun fact: Gor Mahia is named for a a mythological medicineman of the Luo people.

  -Not- a Luo medcineman, but rather a Luo warrior.   I desperately hope this isn’t offensive, but Noob imagines he’s at a football game, refreshing himself with an ice-cold Sierra Mist through that wicked-looking straw

1. Sevilla FC vs. Istanbul Basaksehir – UEFA Champions League

CL is in its fourth round, which still isn’t what most Euro fans consider the “competition proper”. Winners of this round’s elimination ties (two-game sets) advance to the Group Stage. That’s when things really start.

B. Nice vs. Napoli – UEFA Champions League

For a decent summary of the CL structure, I recommend Champions League structure summary. Scroll down to “Default Distribution (from 2016-17)”.

3. Rijek vs. Olimpiakos – UEFA Champions League

At least you’re probably starting to recognize the club names, as many of this round’s new entrants are big leagues’ non-champions from last season.

4. FC Astana vs. Celtic – UEFA Champions League

Through this stage, they largely or entirely keep the league champions from playing the non-champs.

5. NK Maribor vs. Celtic – UEFA Champions League

My guess is that this is mainly to guarantee that some tiny countries’ league champions advance.

6. Crystal Palace vs. Ipswich Town – EFL Cup

A reminder that the English Football League Cup is not the same as the more prestigious FA Cup. EFL Cup only allows sides from the top four leagues to participate.

  Mr. Ipswich/Jim Carrey is gaga for EFL Cup!  (It couldn’t have been for Cameron Diaz.  No way…)

7. Queretano vs. Tijuana – Liga MX

Tijuana won the last Clausura (half-season) while Queretaro was, politely, a distinct non-factor. The script is flipped somewhat so far this Clausura.

  Thanks for the tragicomic help, Sam.

8. Lorient vs. Lens – Coupe de la Ligue

This event is equivalent to the EFL Cup. Solid second round matchup here between a team demoted from Ligue 1 last season and one of the best to not be promoted from Ligue 2.

9. Persepolis vs. Ah-Ahly – AFC Champions League

First leg (match) of this quarterfinal tie. Let’s see if the Noob was right from a previous T2T prediction and Persepolis puts a hurting on.

10. Santos de Guapiles vs. Chorrillo FC – CONCACAF League

This is the second leg of this quarterfinal matchup, and Costa Rican SdG already leads on aggregate (won the first game) 1-0. Panamanian Chorrillo must win handily, as just a one-goal win would mean looking at the number of away goals for each team as a tie-breaker.

1. Manchester City vs. Everton – English Premiere

Everton squeaked into a Europa League slot last season while Man City finished 3^rd. Everton is only arguably in the upper echelon of Premier clubs.

B. Malaga vs. Eibar – La Liga

Noob’s favorite kinds of non-North American matches to select:

A) ones which pit a leagues’ top clubs against one another

2) those which are important for at least one side in terms of league                 championship and/or qualifying for major post-season events

C) Competitive matchups from further down league standings, and                   games from soccer-lesser countries’ leagues from around the globe.

Welcome to the magical adventure of C!

Malaga: “The Anchovies; Now owned by some Qatari d00d. Has been banned some from postseason events recently over its debts.

Eibar: “The Gunsmiths”; only promoted for first time to La Liga in 2013-14. Is fan-owned, by people from 69 countries worldwide

These sides finished in 11^th and 10^th last season respectively.

3. Pumas UNAM vs. Morelia – Liga MX

Morelia finished 4^th in the last Clausura.

4. Al-Ain vs. Al-Hilal – AFC Champions League

Asia’s top club event, this one pits very solid sides from U.A.E. And Saudi Arabia together in the the quarterfinals. This is the first leg of the two-legged tie (first match of two) for the right to get curb-stomped by Persepolis.

5. Zaglebie Lubin vs. Wisla Krakow – Poland Ekstraklasa

This may be the best European League (19^th) Noob has paid little to no attention to. And you’re league name is even cool. Lubin didn’t even finish in the top half last season, but early here and now they are third. Wisla Krakow won it.

  No.  Stick to cheeseburgers, evil kitty.

6. Valur vs. Grindavik – Iceland Urvalsdeild

I’m getting the hang of spelling the name of Iceland’s Premiere League. But other braining was sacrificed.

7. Ventspils vs. FK Liepaja – Latvia Virsligas

This is only the 41^st-ranked league in Europe, of 55. But they taunt Estonia’s top league mercilessly (#42).

  Jealous much, Latvia?

8. Malaysia U23 vs. Myanmar U23 – Southeast Asian Games

Neither team has lost and Myanmar is already guaranteed to graduate from the group stage into the semifinals.

9. Brunei U23 vs. Laos U23 – Southeast Asian Games

One of these squads is going to get their first point or points of the SEA Games!

10. Ahal vs. Balkan – Turkmenistan Yokary Liga

Human rights, shmuman schights! They’re playing football and the Noob as you covered. The top-ranked club hosts #3.

  What the actual f–…

1. NYCFC vs. New England Revolution – MLS

New England is near the bottom of the Eastern Division standings. Is it misleading? They have a break-even goal differential. Still, they are winless on the road this season and NYCFC has to be a favorite to win the Supporter’s Shield (regular season best record).

B. Tottenham Sir Toppem Hatt Hotspur vs. Chelsea – English Premiere

Last season’s #2 hosts #1. Hawt.

Hotspur is named for Sir Henry Percy, aka Sir Harry Hotspur. A hotspur is an impetuous, reckless fellow. Far worse, Percy was officially deemed a traitor posthumously. Noob carries no water for such! A hex on the club for being carrying his namesake. And so I will only ever refer to this club as Sir Toppem Hat from children’s show Thomas & Friends.

  Shoosh.  No one really believes you’ve been knighted, tubby.

3. Atalanta vs. AS Roma – Serie A

Atalanta was something if a surprise last year in reaching fourth last year I gather. It will be fun to see if they can carry momentum into this year against one of the historically great Italian sides.

4. Toluca vs. Necaxa – Liga MX

Toluca is a heavyweight. Necaxa had a forgettable 2017 Clausura, but has winning ways so far this fall. If they can get a result (win or draw) at Toluca, they will be taken seriously.

5. Bethlehem Steel FC vs. Louisville FC – USL

Louisville just put a monster stomping on FC Cincinnati as the latter was focused on their US Open Cup semifinal. Will Louisville in turn be sleeping on the #6 Steel?

6. FC Basel vs. Lugano – Swiss Super League

If memory serves, The Management actually got to see the stadium while on a trip to see a mutual old schooldays friend who now works in petroleum catalysis in eastern France. It could be enough for Adoption for the Noob, but I might also feel like a bandwagon-jumper. Basel destoyed this league last season.

7. Maccabi Tel-Aviv vs. Beitar Jerusalem – Israeli Premier

Also called the Ligat Hall. I don’t have a sense yet for how truly seriously teams take the second-tier European tournament Europa League yet. But it’s possible they may not be ready for or not play every starter against the very accomplished Jerusalem side this early in the league season.

8. Carabobo vs. Deportivo Tachira – Venezuelan Premier

The Garnets won the Premier least year with Tachira hot on their heels, and both clubs are nearly picking up where they left off.

9. Vissel Kobe vs. Yokohama F. Marinos – J1 League

Is this the only soccer club with a middle initial?  It knows it’s in trouble when it’s mother addresses it with the F included.

10. Chicago Red Stars vs. FC Kansas City – NWSL

Looks like Chicago can all but wrap up a playoff berth with a win here.

1. Chicago Fire vs. Toronto FC – MLS

Bastian Schweinsteiger is a one-time world class superstar from Germany who is past his prime for that level. Now in his late-30’s, like many European stars, he is playing what for many like him is their “retirement league’. A lot of U.S. fans don’t care for this in general, preferring MLS teams instead use those roster slots for homegrown players.

The Noob understand, but falls on the pro-side here. The more star power of any sort we can get, the better. If an American is better and/or can draw more eyes to the tube or butts in seats, grand. Until then, thanks for stopping over, Euros!

B. Sporting Kansas City vs. FC Dallas – MLS

Kansas City actually plays in the state of Kansas, another reason the Noob follows The Management in fandom. KC needs to stanch the bleeding of late, but Dallas is right up there near top of standings with them.

3. AFC Bournemouth vs. Watford – English Premiere

No juicy matchups for diehard Premiere fans, so the Noob goes with his adopted Bournemouth side. Go, Cherries!

4. Leon vs. Monterrey – Liga MX

Leon is off to a slow start this half season, while Monterrey is picking up where they left off – at #1.

5. San Francisco Deltas vs. North Carolina FC – NASL

North Carolina is off to a quick start this Fall campaign, but again trails SF in the standings.

6. Sacramento Republic FC vs. Reno 1868 FC – USL

#4 hosts #5 in the Western Division.  Both seem safely in playoffs. Reno should be tough if they get off to a hot start, as they lead the league in goal differential (tied with #1 Real Monarch SLC – booooo).

7. Guimaraes vs. Sporting CP – Portuguese Liga

Last seasons #4 at #3. Sporting Lisbon is one of the historical powers from there.

8. Independiente del Valle vs. Club Deportivo Cuenca – Ecuador Premiere

I think this is our first Ecuadorian sighting on the site!

 Why, are you going to tie Noob up with that crazytown bandana?

9. Jubilo Iwata vs. Cerezo Osaka – J1 League

I’ve been referring to this as the Japanese J-League. I now think that moniker refers to multiple pro leagues there collectively.

10. Albirex Niigata vs. Tampines Rovers – Singapore S-League

Albirex Niigata is #1 and for good reason – they win by an average of over two goals per game. And they always average those two consecutive i’s in Niigata. Those never lose luster for Noob.

 You’re welcome, interwebs.

1. Portland Timbers vs. New York Red Bulls – MLS

#5 in Western division hosts #4 in the stronger Eastern. This is the only MLS game on a typically thin Friday night, but it should be a doozy.

B. Tijauna vs. Santos  – Liga MX

Tijuana won the 2016-17 Clausura (second half of last season), but is in dead last for 2017-18 Apertura (first half of this season). Santos isn’t doing much better. But it’s extremely early.

3. Burton Albion v. Birmingham City – English Championship League

Noob, why follow second-tier leagues? Thanks for asking, self.

USL and NASL – I track these because I’m American and seeing soccer through my local lens.

English Championship League – It’s been rated as high as the #14 most watched league in the world, higher than any other second-tier league. More, I have more opportunities to see these games on tv than lots of other leagues. You probably do, too. And in my first language. And it’s the feeder league for arguably the most important league in the world. Definitely the richest.

2. Bundesliga – The second-most watched second-tier league in the world. Feeder league arguably for the second- (and maybe first-)most important league in the world.

Ligue 2 – As strong as Ligue 1 is, I typically only trek this direction if a particular calendar date looks thin.

I think I’ve only once ever tracked a second division Spanish match. I don’t know why. It’s a feeder for a top four league (and some would argue #1 for it’s top-heaviness). This may be amended. Or not. I’m still learning the relative importance of all the top league still.

4. Swope Park Rangers vs. Real Monarchs SLC – USL

SPR is one of our adopted teams here in NoobLand, but they’ve struggled a touch of late, falling to #3 in the Western Divison. Noob disapproves of SLC. “Real” means “royal”. No kings and queens ruling us here. Amuricuh! But SLC -is- #1 in the West, so primo D2 matchup here.

Hawaii is the American state where there was once a monarchy.

 And Noob wants it brought back super bad.  King McLovin!

5. Orange County SC vs. Phoenix Rising FC – USL

Neither side is going to make the playoffs, but Phoenix has had some nice runs for an expansion club.

6. Colorado Springs Switchbacks vs. L.A. Galaxy II – USL

We call soccer what the rest of the world calls football. FC, SC… I don’t know which we need to make up our mind on first- deciding what it’s going to be called in club names and abbreviations or whether we’re going with Arabic or Roman numerals for these reserve squads.

7. Racing Club vs. Mitre (SE) – Copa Argentina

Racing Club was the first team there to be mostly players of non-European descent. Mitre is a third-tier club and their stay in the Copa is likely ending.

8. Zesco United vs. NAPSA Stars – Zambia Super League

#1 hosts #4 in a very important league match. There’s a -ton- of parity in this league, including at the top.

9. Bidvest Wits vs. Cape Town City FC – South African Premiere

Last season’s #1 and #3 clubs face off very early for their new season.

10. Laos U23 vs. Singapore U23 – Southeast Asian Games

I think this is still in the group stage. For time’s sake, I typically just use ESPN.com and my Fotmob iPhone app for finding games, as they each hit a lot of different events and clubs once you get past the top echelons, and Wikipedia for historical season tables. But some events like this are a little harder to find. I’m hoping to find someone in the audience who knows if even a site or app with a broader reach than these.

1. Maritimo vs. Dynamo Kiev –  UEFA Europa League

The qualifying stages (first three rounds) are over, and we’re now one stage away from the “competition proper” (group stage). This is the “playoff round” round (fourth stage). I guess when football’s been the top game around for a century and more, these things aren’t so dizzying. See you clear-headed in 2142!

Portuguese and Ukrainian sides face off. Noob predicts away winner.

B. Krasnodar vs. Red Star Belgrade – UEFA Europa League

Actually, all the underdogs get to host the first match (leg) of the two games (ties) these pairs will play. Russian vs. Serbian sides.

3. Vardar vs. Fenerbahce – UEFA Europa League

Macedonian vs. Turkish sides.

4. SC Rheindorf Altach vs. Maccabi Tel-Aviv – UEFA Europa League

Tel-Aviv – safest airline in world? Sure, but they about to get their stuff blowed all up by the Austrian side. Noob calls the upset for this leg and tie.

5. Viirtorul Constata vs. FC Salzburg – UEFA Europa League

My autocorrect is as bamboozled as me whenever double-i team names roll around.

6. Portland Timbers 2 vs. Seattle Sounders SC 2 – USL

One reason the U.S. won’t see promotion/relegation anytime soon is that the so many of this league’s teams are essentially reserve squads for MLS teams. In fact, either now or soon (can’t remember) every MLS team will be required to have one.

7. Plaza Amador v. Walter Ferretti – CONCACAF Champions League

The omission of the s is intentional above. This matchup looks more like a court case docket listing than anything.  I think this Walter guy used subgrade materials when his construction company installed the plumbing for the hotel.

  You lose, checkerboard tile.

8. Alianza FC vs. Olimpia CONCACAF – Champions League

Can we please get a worldwide consensus on whether we’re spelling Olimpia- stuff with i or y, and k or c when for Oly/i/mpic?

9. Independiente vs. Atletico Tucuman – Copa Argentina

Merrrrrrrrrrr.

10. Indonesia U23 vs. Philippines U23 – Southeast Asian Games

I still have to look up the number of i’s and p’s in Philippines. Maybe they could adopt “Ma-i”, a former city-state located there centuries ago. Hyphen aside, so easy.

1. Montreal Impact vs. Chicago Fire – MLS

The Impact have moved up to 7^th place this past week, but they remain five points out of the playoffs. They need a result (win or tie) at the second -place Fire.

B. FC Astana vs. Celtic – UEFA Champions League

First leg of this tie. The Khazakhs play host, but Celtic should still get the win. If it’s not Scottish, it’s crap, after all.

3. Real Madrid vs. Barcelona – Spanish Super Cup

Real leads 3-1 on aggregate. They’ll be without Cristiano Ronaldo, as her was sent off during the first match. First he took off his shirt after a goal. (Big deal?) Then he got a second yellow card or flopping.. And all this is all of two minutes. Here’s to hoping the refs have it in for him all season long, just because that’d be mesmorizing.

Perhaps if Ronaldo looked this good, the ref might’ve let the shirt-offing slide.   The Noob leaves it to you, gentle reader, to decide if he’s referring to Swayze or Farley.   (Or is there even a wrong answer?)  (Remixed.  For her pleasure.)

 

4. Leon vs. Veracruz – Copa MX

Neither of this Liga MX sides should be vying for the title later, but this is a really evenly-matched fixture.

5. Andorra vs. Qatar – international friendly

What do you mean this behemoth won’t be on Fox Sports??

6. Charlotte Independence vs. Bethlehem Steel – USL

#1 looks to squash Bethlehem’s playoff hopes, as the latter just climbed into the #6 spot.

7. Gremio vs. Cruziero – Copa do Brazil

First leg of this semifinal. Cruziero’s been off to a surprisingly slow league start.

8. Botafogo vs. Flamengo – Copa do Brazil

The other semifinal, for the right to lose to Gremio.

9. Chicago Red Stars vs. Seattle Reign – NWSL

Both sides have seen others move past them in the standings this week. Chicago is still in the top four and looks to be playoff-bound, but Seattle slipped to #5.

10. FC Kansas City vs. Portland Thorns FC – NWSL

I’m pretty sure this league doesn’t to pro-rel, but if it did, KC would’ve just moved out of the relegation zone. Portland has climbed to 2^nd place and should be fit to get three points on the road.

1.  FC Cincinnati vs. New York Red Bulls – U.S. Open Cup

Cinci’s magical run continues to the semifinals.  The way they pull fans, this is an future MLS team if they have the stadium and want to.  Odd that they are outside looking in for the USL playoffs.

B.  TSG 1899 Hoffenheim vs. Liverpool – UEFA Champions League

The bigger league boys are coming out to play in this round, if the ones who barely qualified.  Germany.  England.  Fiiight!  Oh wait.  Don’t.  History.  Loud noises…

3.  Young Boys vs. CSKA Moscow – UEFA Champions League

YB is from Bern.  This should be the most competitive of today’s selected Champions League matches.

4.  Sporting CP vs. FCSB – UEFA Champions League

Portuguese vs. Romanian sides in a battle.   Sporting CP is typically known in English-speaking countries as Sporting Lisbon to avoid confusion regarding other clubs with the name Sporting.  Portugal, I was confused long before your football came into my life.

5.  APOEL Nicosia vs. Slavia Prague – UEFA Champions League

The Cypriot team name just looks prettier, and one should put their euros or koruny on “The Legend”, as it is known.

6.  FK Qarabag vs. FC Copenhagen – UEFA Champions League

The Azerbaijani squad has the best crest I’ve seen yet, simply elegant!   Copehagen is rated higher, but has been off too a rough start early in their league season.

 Post script:  Maybe those horses are being a little too frisky with the circle emblem.

7.  Queretaro vs. Pachuca – Copa MX

This event is still in the group stage, and nether of these teams is likely to advance farther than the next round.

8.  Leeds United vs. Fulham – English Championship League

These are two of the better sides to not have gotten promoted to the Premiere last year.

9.  Urawa Red Diamonds vs. Chapacoense – Suruga Bank Championship

This feels like a mid-tier NCAA college bowl game-level event to the Noob.  This annual game features the previous season’s J1 (Japanese) League champions versus last year’s Copa Sudamericana (2nd best South American tournament) winner.

The Management and I enjoy Urawa immensely.  Not the town, as it no longer exists in name, being absorbed by Saitama (Saaaaiiiiitamaaaaaah!).  The Management has described this part of the Greater Tokyo area as being akin to the New Jersey portion of NYC.   Noob immediately wanted to adopt the “gym-tan-sushi!” lifestyle he imagines, and so this is our adopted J1 team.

  We agree, The Situation.  Too much puppy can be a bad thing.  They’d chase those cute kitties away.

10.  Shanghai Shenhua vs. Shanghai Shenxin – Chinese FA Cup

Shenxin is the FC Cincinnati of China right now.  They should, however, get throttled by this very good Super League side.