10 to Track (Saturday, 9/16)

1. Watford vs. Manchester City – English Premiere League

Watford is one of only three teams to have not yet lost a league game this season. But Manchester City is one of the others. Watford’s current crest depicts a nightmarish red hart. Here’s to hoping they lose every game for seasons on end so we’re less likely to see this:

Image result for 2017 watford logo  Sorry to go blue, but this thing’s face looks like it needs a vaginoplasty.

Noob didn’t wish it had gone -this- badly.   RESULT:  0-6  Man City

B. Vancouver Whitecaps vs. Columbus Crew – MLS

Vancouver leads the weaker Eastern Division and gets a tough matchup against #4 Columbus out of the West.   Vancouver falls into a tie for 1st with Seattle.  RESULT:  2-2

3. FC Dallas vs. Seattle Sounders – MLS

The continuing story here is Dallas’ mid-late season freefall. They somehow still hold 6th place in the West, the last playoff spot in the division. Seattle’s #3 and has to be smelling blood here. A win could see them jump right to 1st.  Dallas stays in 6th; Seattle misses a chance to jump into 1st.  RESULT:  0-0

4. Shamrock Rovers vs. Dundalk – Irish FAI Cup

The second and third-best teams from League of Ireland Premier face off in the FA Cup final! Shamrock is a defensive stalwart, which does not at all describe Dundalk’s style. Noobstradmus predicts a 1-1 tie, and the sort of -home Dubliner Rovers winning on PK.    Noobstradamus fail!   Dundalk  0-3

Image result for vitruvius lego movie  Actual photo of Noob as Noobstradmus

The Management once again would like to state this is -not- an act–

Actual photo!  Away with you, The Management!

The Management:  *  sigh  *

5. Leon vs. Pachuca – Liga MX

Back to North America. Neither of this teams is off to anything but a so-so start this Apertura, but it should be the most competitive match on this league’s slate this date.    RESULT:  Leon 3-1

6. Miami FC vs. San Francisco Deltas – NASL

SF – a The Management favorite – sits in 3rd this Fall Season. By virtue of their 2nd place finish during the Spring, they seem still in same position for the playoffs. (League winners from each half season qualify for playoffs, and then the two next best clubs with the highest total points from Fall and Spring aggregate points.).

But Miami is a buzzsaw. And the Deltas Noob has to think would be distracted by their club’s seemingly imminent financial collapse into likely non-existence.    The only way teams can not lose to Miami FC.    RESULT:  ppd

7. Yokohama F. Marinos vs. Kashiwa Reysol – J1 League

Perhaps The Management’s favorite league! 5th place holds 3rd in a critical league matchup. Both teams needs three points to try and keep pace with defending champion and #1 Kashima. More likely that these teams are vying for the third and final 2018 Asian Champions League qualifying slot.   RESULT:   1-1

8. Al Ahly vs. Esperance de Tunis – CAF Champions League

This event is in the quarterfinals now, and this is the first leg of the tie between these two. Noob still can’t swallow what the Tunisians let happen to the old Star Wars sets. It makes me happy they are running into Egypt’s toughest club.    Advantage Esperance.   RESULT:  2-2

Image result for star wars set tunisia  The Force is weak with the Tunisians.

9. Deportivo Lara vs. Carabobo – Venezuelan Premier

Lara didn’t even finish the Apertura in the top half of the standings. Now they get tested by perennial power and current 3rd-place side Carabobo.    Lara did not pass.   RESULT:  Carabobo  0-3

Noob is intrigued by the Lara crest logo.

Image result for 2017 deportivo lara logo  Soccer ball —                                  you shall not pass!!

10. Alianza FC vs. CD FAS – El Salvador Premier

Alianza #2. El Salvador #5. Noob continually types “El Slavador”, which would be a weird name for a country even in eastern Europe.    RESULT:  n/a, match now slated for 9/17

Image result for El slavador   If CIA.gov can mess it up, Noob can practice some self-forgiveness.

10 to Track (Friday, 9/15/17)

1. USA vs. New Zealand – women’s friendly

FIFA ranked #1 vs. #19. It may not be part of a formal competition, but Noob hearts international matches.    Amuricuh!    RESULT:   USA 3-1

B. Denmark vs. Netherlands – women’s friendly

#12 hosts #7 in the most competitive of the three friendlies.    RESULT:   ppd


3. Australia vs. Brazil – women’s friendly

A close second in that department would be #6 vs. #9.    RESULT:  Australia  2-1

4. France vs. Chile women’s friendly

#4 vs. #40.    RESULT:   France  1-0

5. AFC Bournemouth vs. Brighton Hove & Albion – English Premiere

The Cherries were not supposed to be wallowing in the relegation basement of the standings, but they’ve yet to pick up a point this year. Hosting a team freshly promoted to the EPL this season is hopefully just what the doctor ordered.     At last!    RESULT:   Bournemouth  2-1

6. SuperSport United vs. Zesco United CAF – Confederation Cup

This is Africa’s version of Europa League, a solid but secondary tournament to the continent’s Champions League. This is the first leg of the quarterfinal tie.     RESULT:   o-o

7. Toulouse vs. Bordeaux – Ligue 2

Noob loves him some Scrabble, wishes Toulouse were valid. Noob despises U’s. It’s early, but right now Bordeaux is in on of the three slots to get promoted to Ligue 1 this year. And on a Friday, that’s enough to make the T2T.    Bordeaux:  1-0

8. Bangor City vs. Connah’s Quay – Welsh Premier

Bangor City is a university. town where the 10,000 stidents make up more than half the city’s population. And the UK does, in fact, classify it as a city – the smallest in the nation. #4 hosts #2 in a match between two darn good teams from last season as well.    RESULT:   ppd

9. Bhayangkara Surabaya vs. Persija – Indonesia Super League

Bhayangkara is the National Police team there. Yeah, I’d let them be in first place, too.    RESULT:   N/A.    Noob mixed up two games.

10. Green Buffaloes vs. Zanaco – Zambia Premier League

Noobites, does Zanaco sound more like an oil company or pharmaceutical company producing antidepressants? #3 hosts #1 in a whale of a game.    RESULT:  pending, now slated for 9/17

Noob apologizes for the lack of lame humor this week, if it’s even necessary. Thanks to a goofy work schedule, sleep is only scheduled for 2-3 hours at a time the next couple of days. Keep soccering!

10 to Track (Thursday, 9/14/2017)

1. Austria Vienna vs. AC Milan – Europa League

As with the UEFA Champions League, the Group Stage now begins in the second-level Europa League tournament. Pods of four have been formed, each team will play the others in the pod home and away, and the top two teams advance to the bracketed Knockout Stage.    RESULT:  AC Milan  1-5

B. FC Copenhagen vs. Lokomotiv Moscow – Europa League

I don’t know why, but the spelling “lokomotiv” just looks Cold War-y and fun.    RESULT:  0-0

3. Arsenal vs. Cologne – Europa League

Speaking of Cold War, Noob -can- recommend “Atomic Blonde” enough. Solid action sequences will make this a neat one to watch mindlessly on a streaming service soon enough, but paying the theatrical ticket price did not make for a value.    RESULT:  Arsenal  3-1

   Noob.  This is The Management.  How is this related to soccer?

4. FC Zorya Luhansk vs. Ostersunds FK – Europa League

It’s a basic character creation concept within a story that the lead character/s must go experience an arc of some kind. Start out once place emotionally and experientially, end up in another.    RESULT:   Ostersunds 0-2

Oh Lordy.  Here he goes.   Remember me?  The Management?  In charge?   Foot.  Ball.  Say it with me.

5. Real Sociedad vs. Rosenburg – Europa League

This doesn’t happen with the leads in “Atomic Blonde”. Noob doesn’t think one has to be a film snob or something to notice even. If you’re going to send 30M on a production (and that’s before stars’ salaries and the marketing costs), why not blow an extra 30K on a decent script editor?   RESULT:  Real Sociedad  4-0

Dear reader, —   The Management would like to apologize for Noob’s utter inability to stay on topic.   Correction shall be made,  punishment swift and severe.   Thank you for your patience and patronage. — The Management.

Bare the shoulders, Noober!  Time for the wire coat hanger.

Jiminy!  OK!!    South of the border-soccer for all!  Appeased?

6. Wilstermann vs. River Plate – Copa Libertadores

One only has to see the seedings to know this would be a monumental upset for Wilstermann to advance to the semifinals. This is a #15 versus #4. To have any hope, the Bolivian side needs not just win but keep a clean sheet here in the first leg of the tie at home.    RESULT:  Wilstermann  3-0

7. Plaza Amador vs. Olimpia – CONCACAF League

It is surprising that two Panamanian sides made it through to the semifinals of this event. Noobstradamus back in da hoooouse, calling this one for the road Costa Ricans.    Noobstradamus success!    RESULT:   1-7  Olimpia

Image result for vitruvius lego movie   Actual photo of Noob as Noobstradamus.

As noted on a previous ’10 to Track’, not an actual photo of Noob. — The Management

8. Santa Fe vs. Libertad – Copa Sudamericana

South America’s equivalent of the Europa League is still in its Round of 16. This is a seeded event, too, and this is competitive #8-#9 matchup. Libertad leads 0-1 on aggregate. The winner earns the right to get beaten like a drum in the quarters by Brazilian power Corinthians.    Libertad advances to the quarterfinals.    RESULT:   1-1

9. Iberia vs. Santiago Wanderers – Copa Chile

Noobites, carry the flag for Iberia with me – they took down goliath Colo-Colo last round, and it wasn’t even close! The usually middling, second tier league side now gets another tough Premier opponent for a quarterfinal tie in the Wanderers. No matter how far they advance though, Iberia has already decisively defeated the toughest foe they can have faced.    RESULT:   1-1

Image result for Iberia football club  The lowercase i isn’t exactly awe-inspiring, but it’s what we’ve got

10. Sport Huancayo vs. UTC – Peru Premier

In the Apertura, UTC was #2, and they’re there early-ish again here in the Clausura. Huancayo was 3rd, but is off to only a fair to middling start this go-round.    RESULT:  Huancayo 2-0

Image result for utc peru football   Then again, UTC demonstrates capital letters don’t guarantee a cool crest or flag, either.

D-Twosday Interview, 9/12/2017

Is the greatest tragedy regarding Hurricane Irma that so many are without power, having to wait interminable-seeming days to get to see this week’s D-Twosday Interview? I know, right? Rhetorical question.

Noob caught up again with NASL FC Edmonton head coach Colin Miller again this week. And not because I had to chase him. Really.

Noob:    Thank you again for your time once again this week coach!

Coach Miller:    What can I say? I was going to avoid you like a plague-bearing rat, but –

Noob:    Ahhhh. You got it.

Coach Miller:    I’m not the biggest drinker by any stretch, but 30 year old Macallan is a treasure.

Noob:    Glad you’re enjoying it.

Coach Miller:     Not yet. I’m terrified of alcohol after the week we had.

Noob:    I’m glad you brought it up first.

Coach Miller:    It’s a sore spot to say the least.

Noob:    Good news first. Your club is still in a tie for 2nd with San Francisco Deltas.

Coach Miller:    Thank the Lord for small blessings.

Noob:    After your team’s bed-crapping of a Spring Season –

Coach Miller:     Hey.  You sent a nice 30. Not a 50-year.

Noob:    – I’d think you’d be thrilled to still be in second. To recap the week for our audience:   A home and away with North Carolina FC. 1-1 draw on the road, 3-0 loss at home.

Coach Miller:    And lucky have to gotten the draw.

Noob:    Too true. Let’s fast forward the video highlight of the only goal your team “scored” this week.

Coach Miller:    What? How can we both see the same video over the –

Noob:    And that ghastly flub keeps you in 2nd. And so, still on Noob’s radar.

Coach Miller:    Wait, that’s third person. Aren’t you this Noob?

Noob:    I am Noob!!

Coach Miller:    Right…. Oh, what’s this Tic-Tac looking thing at the in the whisky box?

Noob:    Cyanide pill.

Coach Miller:    Thanks for the thought, Kevorkian.

Noob:    It’s raw caffeine powder in a quick-dissolving capsule.

Coach Miller:    Clever. Ass hat!

Noob:    Hey, have you been talking with previous D-Twosday Interview subject FC Puerto Rico head coach Marco Velez??

Coach Miller:    Hehehehehe. Winning. * click *

Well, that was captivating and dreamy. Thanks again, Noobites, for joining me on another journey inside the enrapturing world of North American second-tier soccer. And no, you can’t have that two minutes of your life back. Stop asking.

10 to Track (Wednesday, 9/13/2017)

1. Atlanta United vs. New England Revolution – MLS

Noob is going through Amuricuh withdrawal! Two consecutive days with no US tier one or two league game to post making me twitchy. The only one that was even played was USL’s Cincinnati vs. Harrisburg, and that game had buzzards circling it.

Atlanta’s in 6th and should be excited to possibly make the playoffs in it’s first year. New England is in 8th and just four points back, but has played two fewer games.    This one got people talking about sportsmanship, running up the score.    RESULT:   7-0 Atlanta

Image result for americuh  But have we not decided on a standardized spelling for Amuricuh?  So no, Noob will not be calm!

B. Tottenham Hotspur vs. Borussia Dorrtmund – UEFA Champions League

OK, Noob’s shakes are dissipating. Back to the world’s premiere club event.

But the shakes return, this time born of rage! Tottenham “Hotspur” is named for a traitor, and Noob says once again he carries no water for such. Maybe they could be doomed to getting locked up in their locker room and forced to watch an endless stream of Sonic commercials featuring those two pitiful hams.   This one has Noob shaking his fists of rage heavenward.   RESULT:   3-1  Hotspur

Image result for sonic commercial guys  Wannabe Steve Zahn and wannabe Paul Reiser are akin to waterboarding.

3. Liverpool vs. Sevilla – UEFA Champions League

A reminder that what is beginning now is the Group Stage. Each group’s top two teams after playing everyone in their pods home and away will advance to the bracketed Knockout Stage.

Both these clubs finished 4th last year in-league and thusly had to slog through a qualifying round to get here.   RESULT:   2-2

4. RB Leipzig vs. AS Monaco – UEFA Champions League

Best game of the day. Period.    RESULT:   1-1

5. FC Porto vs. Besiktas – UEFA Champions League

Portugal’s not quite the power it once was, but Turkey’s still not the power it’s never been. Sure, that made sense.   The Portuguese teams are struggling in international play all around of late.    RESULT:   1-3  Besiktas

Image result for dizzy chicken  I’m a dizzy chicken.

6. Shakhtar Donetsk vs. Napoli – UEFA Champions League

Due to the conflict in Ukraine, SD isn’t even playing at home at home. Napoli is picking up steam of late and smells three points on the road.    A shakh-ing RESULT:   Donetsk  3-1

7. Monterrey vs. Pumas UNAM – Liga MX

Honesty is the best policy. This game isn’t likely to be close. Pumas are probably going to advance past the group stage even taking a big loss here. Watch to watch Monterrey, best club going in North America. Sorry, Toronto FC.     RESULT:   Monterrey  3-1

8. Barcelona SC vs. Santos FC – Copa Libertadores

We’re in the bracketed, knockout stage of South America’s version of Champions League. This is the first leg of the quarterfinal tie between these two. Noobstradmus predicts a narrow win for the road Brazilians here over the Ecuadorian side.   Noobstradamus fail.    RESULT:  1-1

Photo  Actual photograph of Noob as “Noobstradamus”

Disclaimer:  This is NOT said photo.  This is a picture of Vitruvius, voiced by Morgan Freeman, from “The Lego Movie”.  — The Management

Noob, don’t you realize we might have to actually pay for this stuff?  Besides, if you’re going to swipe something, make sure it’s not from such recent pop culture that many folks will recognize it.  Put some effort into this, “Nostra-Dumbass”.  — The Management.

I…ummm…I have no retort, no defense.

9. Urawa Red Diamonds vs. Kawasaki Frontale – AFC Champions League

Gym – tan – sushi! Japanophile The Management and I love Urawa-  Tokyo’s answer to the New Jersey part of the NYC metro area. This is a really evenly-matched pair of teams. Kawasaki leads the quarterfinal tie 1-3 on aggregate though.    G.T.S.!    Urawa advances to the semifinals.    RESULT:   Urawa  4-1

Image result for the situation pointing at abs  This is the third time that The Situation has joined us to let us know he knows where the sushi goes.  This is a quality website.

10. Arabe Unido vs. Santos de Gaupiles – CONCACAF League

Not the Champions League for our North American federation. Winners of this event gets into that one though. SdG is Costa Rican, and those clubs are easily the class of the region. Put them on the road though, and this is a tight matchup. First leg of this semifinal.    RESULT:   0-0

10 to Track (Tuesday, 9/12/2017)

1. Barcelona vs. Juventus – UEFA Champions League

And now the competition proper begins. Group Stage time. This game features the two most evenly-matched teams today – last season’s La Liga #2 vs. Italy’s champion.   RESULT:  Barcelona 3-0

B. AS Roma vs. Atletico Madrid – UEFA Champions League

Let’s go back to the well with Italy’s #2 from last year taking on Spain’s numero tres.    RESULT:  0-0

Image result for george double dip  And the unacceptable double dip

3. Celtic vs. Paris Saint-Germain – UEFA Champions League

The most intriguing matchup of the day lies here. PSG obviously comes from the stronger league, but Celtic absolutely mowed down the Scottish Premiere last year and opens thisevent at home.    RESULT:  PSG 0-5

4. Benifica vs. CSKA Moscow – UEFA Champions League

Portugal’s reigning champ gets Russia’s second-best. These teams lost just a combined six games last season.    **UPSET**   RESULT:  CSKA Moscow  1-2

5. Manchester United vs. FC Basel – UEFA Champions League

It’s been mentioned before, but The Management got to see FC Basel’s stadium on a trip to see an old mutual friend of ours somewhat recently. If this gives TM a rooting interest, Noob thinks the Swiss’ best are going to disappoint him against England’s.    RESULT:   Man U  3-0

6. Bayern Munich vs. Anderlecht – UEFA Champions League

The beer-making contest would be awesome. But Germany’s reigning champion should handle Belgium’s.    RESULT:   Bayern Munich  3-0

Image result for german beer sucks  But which nations’s beer is better, himbo?

7. Chelsea vs. FK Qarabag – UEFA Champions League

Azerbaijan’s finest footballers seem to appear a surprising amount in the T2T. They’re going to probably appear with something like an 0-2 result after this match.   RESULT:   Chelsea  6-0

8. Morelia vs. Necaxa – Liga MX

Getting back to North America with a couple above-average teams. Morelia’s are the Monarchs. Another team on the anti-Adoption list for Noob. If your nation doesn’t have a monarchy, knock it off.    Boooooo!  RESULT:   Morelia Monarchs  2-1

Image result for knock it off  Hold on, Gary Cole.  There’s a different, weirdly-timed Office Space drop coming shortly.

9. Al Ahly vs. Persepolis – AFC Champions League

Asia’s isn’t nearly as prestigious as Europe’s, but top-flight federation tournaments will never get ignored here. This is the second leg of a quarterfinal in which the aggregate is 2-2. This will undoubtedly be the best match of the quarters for this event no matter which others are facing off.    On to the semis!    RESULT:   Persepolis  3-1

10. Crusaders vs. Linfield – Northern Irish Premier

Last season these two ran away and hid from the rest of the league. They’re top four again. Noobstradmus is calling this one for the road Blues.   McGinley was right.    RESULT:   Crusaders  2-1

Image result for predictions meme  Shoosh.  You don’t get to enjoy the whole Michael Bolton catalog and then mouth off here, McGinley.

10 to Track (Monday, 9/11/2017)

Starting this week, check back later in the week to SEE the match results!  You know, in case you didn’t have a chance to Track them yourselves, Noobites.  It’s all good.

1. Al Hilal vs. Al Ain – AFC Champions League

The first leg of this quarterfinal essentially went Saudi Arabia Al Hilal’s way – scoreless. U.A.E.’s Al Ain is probably the better side, but not by lots and must now go on road for second leg of this tie.  RESULT – Al Hilal 3-0.  They advance to the semifinals by 3-0 aggregate.

B. Dinamo Bucaresti vs. ACS Poli Timisoara – Romanian Liga 1

A few weeks into this league season is a bit early to be watching the standings in terms of playoffs, but here we are (light Mondays). The top six teams in this league make a title playoff, and -all- the others go into a relegation avoidance playoff. These two straddle that line currently.  RESULT:  Poli Timissoara wins 1-2.  Both teams still straddle the playoff line, but have switched places.

Image result for Mondays are cool  Yep.  Went there.

3. Macabbi Petach-Tikva vs. Beitar Jerusalem – Israeli Premier

Last season’s #4 hosts #3. Petach Tikva is basically a Tel-Aviv suburb about the size of Des Moines, Iowa. Mondays are for soccer learningness! RESULT:   Beitar Jerusalem wins 1-2.

4. Molde vs. Odds BK – Norwegian Eliteserien

Molde sits in 4th and is in danger of falling out of the title race. The city of the same name is about one tenth the size of Des Moines. Odds BK is named for a character from a Swedish novel. And that in itself is perhaps odd.  RESULT:  Molde 2-1

5. Djgardens IF vs. IFK – Swedish Allsvenskanliga

D IF is in 2nd, yet a whopping ten points behind Malmo. They need badly to hold serve against a middling alphabet soup team.  RESULT:  Djurgardens 3-1

6. Pusamania Borneo vs. Bali United Pusam – Indonesia Super League

Noob understands the host may well have dropped the first part of that moniker from their name. Can’t imagine why. Bali U.P. is in first, but just barely. Gotta get a road result against a middling side.  RESULT: 0-0

Image result for just couldn't help yourself   Nope.  Shoosh.

7. FC Lahti vs. KuPS – Finland Veikkausliga

HJK is running away with this league, so this 2nd-3rd place matchup is all about qualifying for the 2019 Europa League. Lahti has an interesting nickname in “the Black Drones”. Noob isn’t sure if this is about bees or mechanical assassin/future pizza delivery machines. Since the club was just formed in 1996, both possibilities are in play.  RESULT:   1-1 draw

8. Al-Hilal al Obayed vs. Al Amal Atbara – Sudan Premier

Mondays are all about getting to know more world neighbors, woohoo! Noob usually focuses on the host team for get-to-know’s, but info on this club has been hard to find quickly. Atbara is about the size of Cedar Rapids, Iowa, to continue the Hawkeye state comparisons. These clubs are in 6th and 14th place respectively.  RESULT:  0-0

9. Al Ahli Shandi vs. Merreikh Nyala – Sudan Premier

Shandi is primarily an agricultural goods trading center, though it has over 50,000 people. 6th and 9th place sides here.    RESULT:   Ahli Shandi 2-1

Image result for shandy beer  Hardly related.  Noob doesn’t care.   Deee-licious.

10. Tari’a al Beja vs. Hay al Wadi – Sudan Premier

#9 vs. #10. Noob couldn’t find much on the host club, but the Al Beja people were called “Blemmyes” in ancient Roman times. They also fictionalized them as a headless race of monsters with facial features on their chests.  RESULT:  Hay al Wadi wins 0-2

  Hey, girl, let’s go clubbin’!  Ain’t got no heads up in here!

10 to Track (Sunday, 9/10/2017)

1. Columbus Crew vs. Sporting Kansas City – MLS

Neither is in danger of falling out of a playoff spot, but this should be a dandy matchup. 4th in the Eastern Division vs. 3rd in the West. The Management pulls for the KC. Noob is far less enchanted with the city and it’s “sporting”. Let’s squabble.

Image result for fisticuffs meme  Let’s git it AWN, The Management!

B. Atlanta United vs. FC Dallas – MLS

Another quality interdivision game, as two 6th place teams from each division square off. Dallas’ slide from the near the top has continued. Expansion Atlanta has to be excited to be in position to possibly make the playoffs here in Year One.

3. Santos vs. Toluca – Liga MX

Toluca is a top four team once again this half season. Santos is struggling to duplicate their success from the last Clausura when they were 5th.

4. FC Edmonton vs. North Carolina FC – NASL

Check out last Tuesday’s D-Twosday Interview with Edmontons’s head coach! It was inspirational and tasty.

5. Santos FC vs. Corinthians – Futebol Brasileiro

It’s hard to think Santos could overlook the 1st place league team, but they’re also competing this week in the Copa Libertadores. Hard for Noob not to think Corinthinans could score a big road win.

6. River Plate vs. Banfield – Argentina Superleague

RP is in the Copa as well, so 5th place Banfield might be prime for picking up a sweet result on the road.

7. CFR Cluj-Napoca vs. Universitatea Craiova – Romania Liga 1

Our first glimpse of the Romanian top-flite!! #1 hosts #2. Cluj are “the railwayman”.

This reminds Noob to let you know that soon a woefully undercovered Premier League will soon be getting it’s due right here on soocernoob. Be on the lookout! All will become clear. Er…

8. Vegalta Sendai vs. Sagan Tosu – J1 League

Full disclosure: These are two middling-at-best sides. But if The Management doesn’t get his Japan-fix, he starts to natter on about tiny, cute apartments and soaplands, and not always in that order.

Image result for soapland funny  The Management, you can field questions from the young, impressionable peanut gallery on this one.

9. CD Motagua vs. Olimpia – Honduras Premier

Motagua has to be happy to be catching Olimpia this week, as the latter may be distracted by their upcoming CONCACAF League semifinal.

10. Buriram United vs. Chiangrai United – Thai Premier

Noob loves to globetrot! Chiangrai is #4 and at least one slot in the standings outside qualifying for the 2019 AFC Champions League. Buriram is #1 and they are “the Thunder Castles”, after the stadium’s nickname.

10 to Track (Saturday, 9/9/2017)

1. Manchester City vs. Liverpool – English Premier

Top four last year for both, top four this year. This is easily the most important game for the date. Of course, I’m also hoping my Cherries can somehow get a point or three against Arsenal to get off the 0-fer.

B. New York City FC vs. Portland Timbers – MLS

It’s a battle if division #2’s. The Eastern is clearly the better one. Oddly, none of the many other MLS games this day come close to measuring up in stature.

3. FC Kansas City vs. Chicago Red Stars – NWSL

Chicago has a five points breathing room for the final playoff spot right now. But KC is coming off of a nice win and might just not be a slouch at home.

4. Monterrey vs. Necaxa – Liga MX

Los Rayados (“the striped ones”) vs. Los Rayos (“the thunderbolts”). Someone with knowledge of Spanish etymology will have to fill in the Noob on relatedness. Monterrey is making an early move to run away with the Clasusura.

Image result for nerd alert  Touch me in my root words…

OK, that one’s just not taking off.

5. TSG Hoffenheim vs. Bayern Munich – Bundesliga

Last season’s #4 hosts the team even the freshest Noobite surely knows. Fun fact: Baden-Wurttenburg is the area TSG calls home, though the village it is named for has all of maybe 3500 people.

Image result for baden-württemberg funny  This is there.  What the actual…

6. Nice. vs. AS Monaco – Ligue 1

Nice finished 4th last season, but is off to an awful 1-0-3 start now. AS Monaco is doing typical, winning AS Monaco things.

7. San Francisco Deltas vs. Miami FC – NASL

SF’s last tiny little shot at some glory? Noob has been hearing this franchise may not survive another season. For that matter, I’ve heard the same about the league. The US Soccer Federation recently declined to give NASL renewed Division Two sanctioning.

Image result for you're going down meme  You put that pointy finger away, sir.   NASL isn’t going down without a fight.

8. Kawasaki Frontale vs. Yokohama F. Marinos – J1 League

#3 hosts #2 in one firecracker of a matchup. One of these teams needs three points to stay within striking distance of frontrunner Kashima.

9. Herediano vs. Saprissa – Costa Rica Premier

Herediano’s #1 and does it on defense. “The Team” (nice nickname) has only given up one goal in eight games. Saprissa is one of the under-the-radar best clubs in all North America and in 2nd.

10. Bhayangkara vs. Persipura – Indonesian Super League

Let’s get to now a pretty decent league from out East! “The Great Alligator” and “The Black Pearls” are 2nd and 3rd in the league respectively. They chase Bali United Pusam in an incredibly tight title race.

Image result for tick tock croc jack sparrowImage result for tick tock croc jack sparrow

Does Disney have a stake in this league or something?

10 to Track (Fri., 9/8/2017)

1. Hamburg SV vs. RB Leipzig – Bundesliga

Hamburg SV didn’t finish in the top half last year, but has had a nice start early this campaign. RB Leipzig is a young franchise that finished 2nd last year.

Leipzig are one of five teams Red Bull energy drink maker owns. The powers that be in German football won’t let the company have it’s own name in the club name, but drink makers be sneaky. ”RasenBallsport Leipzig” is the full official name. “RasenBallsport” translates to “lawn ball sports”, which is absolutely not a usual German turn of phrase.  Helpful abbreviation though.

RB Leipzig 2014 logo.svg  RB, bitchez

B. Atlas vs. U.N.A.L. – Liga MX

These teams finished in the top seven for the 2017 Clausura. U.A.N.L. Has picked up where it left off here in the Apertura, though not so with Atlas.

3. Feirense vs. Sporting CP – Portuguese Liga

Sporting CP is a traditional powerhouse and has not lost yet this season. Feirense hasn’t lost yet either. They’re about to at home.

Image result for feirense meme  Only Amuricuhn babies get that fat.   Speak you some English.

4. Bluebell United vs. Shamrock Rovers – Ireland FA Cup

It’s just fun to root for the little guy. Bluebell is the only tier three (or lower) team still competing in this event. They’re from SW suburban Dublin and Noob is certain only gets to maybe play fellow Dubliners SR in preseason friendlies.

Image result for bluebell united  This guy jumped straight from Bluebell to  Premiere team Inverness.  That remade old lady condo lawn chair couldn’t steal -any- of those balls from him.

5. AC Horsens vs. FC Nordsjaelland – Danish SAS-Ligaen

Horsens might be a little lucky they weren’t relegated after last season. But keeping scores low has helped them to 5th so far this year. They’re seven games have only seen 14 goals scored in total. Nords is in 1st and a behemoth on offense.

6. Connah’s Quay vs. Bala Town – Welsh Premier

These two duked it out to the last week of the season last year for 2nd place. Both were behind unstoppable The New Saints.

7. Union Espanola vs. Universidad de Concepcion – Chile Premier

Espanola hasn’t given up a goal five games into the Apertura. Concepcion hasn’t lost, but they’ve also only won once. If a draw is ‘kissing your sister’, what base has Concepcion reached with that strumpet?

Image result for strumpet meme  “Strumpet” is classier, Planet Earth.

8. Consadole Sapporo vs. Jubilo Iwata – J1 League

Iwata is Japan’s most successful football club in international competition. But they’re in 6th right now. With no league playoffs, they’ve got climbing to do to qualify for AFC Champions League next year.

9. Pasaquina vs. Alianza – El Salvador Premiere

This league feels like the NHL. Eight of the 12 teams make a playoff. Pasaquina barely managed it last year. Both clubs are top four currently, but Noobstradamus predicts a road win for perennial powerhouse Alianza.

Image result for you're a sad strange little man  Hey, I’m not married to the “Noobstradamus” thing yet.  Go easy.

10. Zanaco vs. Zesco United – Zambia Premier

Zanaco has won the third-most league titles in Premier history there, but it’s Zesco on the top of the standings right now.

Ganboldyn Bilguun, a descendant of Genghis Kan, tried and failed to make Zesco.  He ended up playing elsewhere, but remained a huge fan.  To this day, there is a substantial fanbase in Turkmenistan for this team.

Image result for poppycock bullshit       It’s true!  Shoosh.