1. Atlanta United vs. New England Revolution – MLS
Noob is going through Amuricuh withdrawal! Two consecutive days with no US tier one or two league game to post making me twitchy. The only one that was even played was USL’s Cincinnati vs. Harrisburg, and that game had buzzards circling it.
Atlanta’s in 6th and should be excited to possibly make the playoffs in it’s first year. New England is in 8th and just four points back, but has played two fewer games. This one got people talking about sportsmanship, running up the score. RESULT: 7-0 Atlanta
But have we not decided on a standardized spelling for Amuricuh? So no, Noob will not be calm!
B. Tottenham Hotspur vs. Borussia Dorrtmund – UEFA Champions League
OK, Noob’s shakes are dissipating. Back to the world’s premiere club event.
But the shakes return, this time born of rage! Tottenham “Hotspur” is named for a traitor, and Noob says once again he carries no water for such. Maybe they could be doomed to getting locked up in their locker room and forced to watch an endless stream of Sonic commercials featuring those two pitiful hams. This one has Noob shaking his fists of rage heavenward. RESULT: 3-1 Hotspur
Wannabe Steve Zahn and wannabe Paul Reiser are akin to waterboarding.
3. Liverpool vs. Sevilla – UEFA Champions League
A reminder that what is beginning now is the Group Stage. Each group’s top two teams after playing everyone in their pods home and away will advance to the bracketed Knockout Stage.
Both these clubs finished 4th last year in-league and thusly had to slog through a qualifying round to get here. RESULT: 2-2
4. RB Leipzig vs. AS Monaco – UEFA Champions League
Best game of the day. Period. RESULT: 1-1
5. FC Porto vs. Besiktas – UEFA Champions League
Portugal’s not quite the power it once was, but Turkey’s still not the power it’s never been. Sure, that made sense. The Portuguese teams are struggling in international play all around of late. RESULT: 1-3 Besiktas
I’m a dizzy chicken.
6. Shakhtar Donetsk vs. Napoli – UEFA Champions League
Due to the conflict in Ukraine, SD isn’t even playing at home at home. Napoli is picking up steam of late and smells three points on the road. A shakh-ing RESULT: Donetsk 3-1
7. Monterrey vs. Pumas UNAM – Liga MX
Honesty is the best policy. This game isn’t likely to be close. Pumas are probably going to advance past the group stage even taking a big loss here. Watch to watch Monterrey, best club going in North America. Sorry, Toronto FC. RESULT: Monterrey 3-1
8. Barcelona SC vs. Santos FC – Copa Libertadores
We’re in the bracketed, knockout stage of South America’s version of Champions League. This is the first leg of the quarterfinal tie between these two. Noobstradmus predicts a narrow win for the road Brazilians here over the Ecuadorian side. Noobstradamus fail. RESULT: 1-1
Actual photograph of Noob as “Noobstradamus”
Disclaimer: This is NOT said photo. This is a picture of Vitruvius, voiced by Morgan Freeman, from “The Lego Movie”. — The Management
Noob, don’t you realize we might have to actually pay for this stuff? Besides, if you’re going to swipe something, make sure it’s not from such recent pop culture that many folks will recognize it. Put some effort into this, “Nostra-Dumbass”. — The Management.
I…ummm…I have no retort, no defense.
9. Urawa Red Diamonds vs. Kawasaki Frontale – AFC Champions League
Gym – tan – sushi! Japanophile The Management and I love Urawa- Tokyo’s answer to the New Jersey part of the NYC metro area. This is a really evenly-matched pair of teams. Kawasaki leads the quarterfinal tie 1-3 on aggregate though. G.T.S.! Urawa advances to the semifinals. RESULT: Urawa 4-1
This is the third time that The Situation has joined us to let us know he knows where the sushi goes. This is a quality website.
10. Arabe Unido vs. Santos de Gaupiles – CONCACAF League
Not the Champions League for our North American federation. Winners of this event gets into that one though. SdG is Costa Rican, and those clubs are easily the class of the region. Put them on the road though, and this is a tight matchup. First leg of this semifinal. RESULT: 0-0