Soccernoob

1. Manchester City vs. LSK Kvinner – UEFA Women’s Champions League

Man City leads 5-0 after their first match in this two-legged Round of 32 tie.  But they’re our cousins, so the English game gets top billing here.

Noob was just surprised to learn that the women’s top English league for the women isn’t named “Premiere” like the men’s.  Instead, it is the FA WSL – Football Association Women’s Super League.  As new as Noob is on the soccer scene in general, I am so much more so on the ladies’ side.   The Man Ladies advance!   RESULT:   Man City   2-1

B.  Slavia Prague vs. Stjarnan – UEFA Women’s Champions League

Czech side Sparta Prague just got knocked out this round.  Can Slavia Prague carry the national torch forward?   They won the first match 2-1 over the Icelanders.   Czech, please!   RESULT:   0-0

3. Billericay vs. Leatherhead – English FA Cup

The First Round Proper rumbles on through the “replays”.   When one of these one-off matches ends in a tie, they don’t settle things with penalty kicks.  Instead, they play the match over at the other team’s home site.

These two drew 1-1 in their first scuffle.   As noted then, this is a guaranteed minnow advancement game!   Both play in the Isthmian League, the seventh tier in English soccer.   Look for the more-storied hosts to get it done here.   RESULT:   Leatherhead   1-3

  Yes, we were surprised you were thought young enough for that role in “Leatherheads”, too, Clooney.

4. Sporting CP vs. Famalicao – Portuguese FA Cup

It really goes by the name Taca de Portugal.   That means Cup, not taco.   Noob would play for a taco.

Anyway!  This is the Fourth Round, where 32 teams remain.   Famalicao is in 8^th place in tier-two LigaPro.  Impressive, considering they were just promoted last season.  But they didn’t get a lucky draw, having to play one of the three historical powerhouses, and on the road to boot.   RESULT:   Sporting   2-0

Now, time for a bunch of Brazilians.

5. Botafogo vs. Goianiense – Brazil Serie A

Botafogo is in 6^th place with just a few games to go.  This slot gets a birth into the second round of next year’s Copa Libertadores.   If they can maybe climb even one spot higher, they can earn a bye into the Group Stage.  Bottom-rung Goianiense shouldn’t be able to do much to stop them.   Upset!      RESULT:   Goianiense   1-2

6. Palmeiras vs. Sport – Brazil Serie A

Palmeiras is in better shape in 3^rd place.  Sport Club do Recife hangs out with Goianiense in the standings.   RESULT:   Palmeiras   5-1

7. Bahia vs. Santos – Brazil Serie A

10^th hosts 4^th place here.   Enough games remain that Santos isn’t yet guaranteed a Libertadores berth, but they can’t do worse than one for the Copa Sudamericana (think Europa League).  Bahia’s in line for the latter.   RESULT:   Bahia   3-1

8. Cortiba vs. Flamengo – Brazil Serie A

15^th hosts 7^th here.   In fact, the visitors are tied for 7^th with Vasco de Gama, though ahead by a lot on goal differential.  They’re vying for the very last slot for Copa Libertadores.   Upset!   RESULT:   Cortiba   1-0

   Another bunch of Brazilians.   Our advertisers thank you for stopping by, gals.

9. Sileks vs. Shkendija – Macedonian First Football League

The home side are already running away with the league just over a dozen games in.  Sileks sits in 3^rd.

Shkendia’s supporters (Ballistet) are named for an anticommunist resistance movement from WWII times.  They are fiercely proud of their Albanian heritage, singing that nation’s anthem right as each game starts.   RESULT:   Shkendija   0-2

   Football is some scary shite some places.

10. Hilal Obayed vs. Al Ahly Shendi – Sudan Premier

Sudan – don’t you quit on it, Noobites!   When other leagues just aren’t offering any or as many (good) games, we can always count on Sudan’s top league.   These two are in 3^rd and 4^th place.  The season there is about done, sadly for us.  Neither of these teams can catch up with the top two.   And they gives entertaining football to boot!   RESULT:   Shendi   4-5

Noob promises you he has manners and couth, sometimes.  But in today’s 10 most important games to Track for the fellow new-ish American soccer fan, we’re going to start with the gents.   World Cup qualifying trumps all!

1. Australia vs. Honduras – Interconfederation WCQ

The first match went scoreless, so now to Oz!  It’s important to remember that any draw, except for 0-0, and Honduras goes to World Cup on away-goals tiebreaker.   Congrats on heading to World Cup, Socceroos!   RESULT:   Australia   3-1

B.  Peru vs. New Zealand – Interconfederation WCQ

Leg 1 always went scoreless in this matchup, stunningly.  Noob expected it to be shooting fish in a barrel for Peru.   Noob still expects it now.   Congrats to Peru on advancing to the World Cup!   RESULT:   Peru   2-0

  All is fair in love and war

3. Tranmere Rovers vs. Peterborough United – English FA Cup

They played to a scoreless draw in the first go-round, so now third tier Peterborough has to try and break through on the road.   Tranmere, like Liverpool and Everton of the EPL, plays in Merseyside.   Broke through is an understatement.   RESULT:   Peterborough   0-5

4. Pachuca vs. Atlante – Copa MX

Ascenso side Atlante surprised again last round by advancing, winning 1-1 / 3-5 pk for the second straight time.   Liga-Pachuca has whupped their foes wholesale, advancing to the Semifinal by combined score of 7-0.   now slated for 11/21

5. Vasco de Gama vs. Atletico Minero – Brazil Serie A

With four games to go, VdG is in 8^th and just one point out of a Copa Libertadores berth for next season.  A.M. certainly isn’t eliminated at just two more points back.  But it’s hard to leapfrog multiple teams this late in the season.   RESULT:   1-1

   Leapgiraffe is even harder

6. Linkoping vs. Sparta Prague – UEFA Women’s Champions League

And then there were 16!   These games are all the second matches of two-legged ties.

What a week for Sweden – their men’s national team holds Italy scoreless for two matches to qualify for World Cup!   Can their best women’s club make the Quarterfinals?    Chances seem at least fair.  They played S.P to a 1-1 draw in Prague in the first leg.   Sweeeeeeedes!   RESULT:   Linkoping   3-0

7. Montpelier vs. Brescia – UEFA Women’s Champions League

The French side won 3-2 in Italy, and looks to take care of business at home.

Noob assumed “home” was the same stadium in which the men’s team play, 32000+ seater Stade de la Mosson.  Nope.  Stade Jules Rimet only has a capacity of 1000.  Surprising, given how popular I thought women’s soccer is in France.   ‘Twas a bull market.   RESULT:   Montpelier   6-0

   Cozy anyway

8. Rosengard vs. Chelsea – UEFA Women’s Champions League

Not so surprising is Rosengard’s success.  They’re based out of the same sports club in Malmo as the reigning league men’s champion.   But they have a mighty deficit to overcome, having gotten smoked 3-0 at Chelsea in their first match.   RESULT:   Chelsea   0-1

  Staffer Daaaan-ooo!   Noob knows his fish.   That’s gravadlax, Swedish CURED salmon.  Not smoked.

9. Wolfsburg vs. Fiorentina – UEFA Women’s Champions League

German Wolfsburg won the whole kit and caboodle in 2012-2013.   They’re already up 3-0 on the Italian side, steamrolling towards the Quarterfinals.   RESULT:   3-3

10. Barcelona vs. Gintra Universitetas – UEFA Women’s Champions League

Gintra is a college team from Lithuania.  And if they can come back from the 6-0 thrashing they took at home to Barcelona, Noob will be a hat-eating man.   RESULT:   Barcelona   3-0

  That’s hat-eating man, not man-eating hat!  Staffer Dan-o, where are you??

    Jiminy, you’re not even trying to hide well.

Tuesday!   The league play is a little lighter, but the international and Cup play make up for it.   Let’s hit our daily ten best matches for the new-ish American soccer player like Bijou Phillips assaults fat male bi actors.  So hard.

1. Portugal vs. U.S.A. – international friendly

Amuricuh plays its first match since failing to qualify for World Cup.  Bruce Arena is out as head coach, Dave Sarachan is in holding the interim title.  Nice of them to at least serve as sparring partner for FIFA 3^rd-ranked Portugal.   RESULT:   1-1

  Dave Sarachan: Making sure the players know he wants to be at Denny’s by 4:00pm.

B.  Ireland vs. Denmark – UEFA WCQ

Slight underdog Ireland brought a 0-0 draw home.  Any draw here other than 0-0 and Denmark advances to World Cup on away-goals tiebreaker.  Ireland should defend well at home, but they’ve got to find the back of the net sometime.   Ireland starting the scoring at 6′.  And then all Danish hell broke loose.   RESULT:   Denmark   1-5

   Noob doesn’t know the reference.  Still strangely enjoyable.

3. Germany vs. France – international friendly

I sense one of my history teachers rolling over in his grave.  Friendly?   RESULT:   2-2

4. Accrington Stanley vs. Guiseley – English FA Cup

The First Round Proper of the most important Cup tournament in England continues!  If it seems like we’ve been here a while, it’s because of the format.   It’s a straight knockout competition, but if there’s a draw, they don’t go to penalty kicks.  Instead, they replay the match at the site of the first match-away team.

And so it is with these next three matches.   These two went scoreless the first time around, so now they’ll do it again but at Accrington.  This pits a very good League Two (tier four) side against a struggling National League (tier five) squad.   Minor upset!   RESULT:   Guiseley   1-1 /   3-4 pk

   Gotta be honest.  Looks like a crappy diner.

5. Bury vs. Woking – English FA Cup

These two drew 1-1 in County Surrey their first try.  Now fifth-tear Woking has to try and get through at Bury.   Bury’s struggled this year, but they play two leagues higher.   They were woke.   RESULT:   Working   0-3

6. Scunthorpe vs. Northampton – English FA Cup

These two both play in the third-tier League One, but they’re at opposite ends of standings there.  They played to a scoreless draw a few days ago.   RESULT:   Scunthorpe   1-0

   “Industrial garden town”??  You’re not even trying here, c’mon.

7. Turkmenistan vs. Taiwan – AFC Asian Cup qualification

The battle for the confederation title continues!   The Group Stage has groups of four vying for two Asian Cup berths each.  Turkmenistan is behind Bahrain by only GD for 1^st, and Taiwan trails them both by just a point.  They carry FIFA rankings of #114 and #143 respectively.   Taiwan is eliminated, while victors qualify for Cup!   RESULT:   Turkmenistan   3-1

8. Tajikistan vs. Yemen – AFC Asian Cup qualification

These two are tied for 2^nd, down two points to Philippines.  Tajikistan likes to play a wide open game, just the opposite of the Yemeni.   Yemeni style took over.   1st place Philippines also drew, so status quo unchanged.   RESULT:   0-0

  Why, is it trying to call collect?

9. Cambodia vs. Jordan – AFC Asian Cup qualification

Jordan is in 1^st with two matches to go, but tied on points with Vietnam.  Cambodia is nearly eliminated at five points behind them.   Cambodia has only scored to goals to 14 against them, yet actually has a win in this Group.   Vietnam also qualified for Cup with their draw today.   RESULT:   Jordan   0-1

10. Gorica vs. Rijeka – Croatia Cup

It’s the Round of 16.  Gorica’s a very good second tier team in this country, but Rijeka is one of just two or three teams that are flat out good.  They’re 3^rd place in the top tier.   RESULT:   Rijeka   0-3

  Danny, methinks you and bride Bijou might get to star in the real life “Orange is the New Black”.

The chaos!  The tension!   It’s Relegation Monday.   Other days of the week, Noob is filtering and bringing you the “most important” games from the shiniest leagues.

Monday’s are lightly-scheduled though.  So Noob instead proffers games that are important to at least the teams playing them, specifically teams that may get dropped to a lower league at season’s.  Can they get out of the basements of their leagues before it is too late?

First, we do today have some more “legit” matches to peruse.

1. Louisville City vs. Swope Park Rangers – USL playoffs

The last North American division two soccer game the year.   Joy and sadness both somehow reign!  It’s the Final!

Louisville City was #1 the entire second half of the East season.   Swope Park was more up and down, settling in at #4 in the tougher West.  One may have to enjoy defense to get into this one.  Neither of these teams scored more than one goal in a game during the playoffs.  They also each only gave up one regulation goal total over that stretch.

Noob’s been invited to a The Management party.   He’s looking to rumble, knowing how much ill will I have for his KC fave!   In your face, The Management!   I will not win humbly.   Congrats to the league champions!   RESULT:   Louisville   1-0

1. Italy vs. Sweden – UEFA WCQ

Sweden got the goal and the win at home a few days ago.   The road is usually an entirely different matter of course in football though.

Noobstradamus had a vision for this game, in deep neon greens and oranges.   A floating crown in space whirled its way to an undying flame, upon which it came to rest.  The world seemed to be ending.  Before all went black, wording appeared on the crown.  “The Norsemen shall survive,” it read.

Italy wins 0-1.  Sweden gets the upset in penalty kicks, heads to World Cup.  Noob wasn’t way off for a chance.   Congrats, Sweden!  World Cup-bound!   RESULT:   0-0

   Or maybe Noob just needs to go see “Thor: Ragnarok”…

3. America vs. Monterrey – Copa MX

It’s the Semifinal!  League-3^rd place America gets home advantage against #1 Monterrey.  This will likely be the best game of the whole Copa.  That said, Monterrey’s creaming the league on goal differential and should be a slight favorite even as visitors.   reslated for 11/15

4. Malaysia vs. North Korea – Asian Cup qualification

This qualifying event is in the Group Stage, pods of four competing for two berths each in the 2019 Asian Cup.  Lebanon has embarrassed this Group, qualified long since.  North Korea is tied for 2^nd with Hong Kong with two matches to go.  Malaysia’s not eliminated yet, but they will be soon enough.  They just can’t score.   RESULT:   North Korea   1-4

   “I can’t even tell anymore where you end and I begin…”

5. Poland vs. Mexico – international friendly

Poland has really been playing well, are all the way up to #6 in FIFA rankings.   Mexico is #16.  Each won their Group in their continental federations’ World Cup qualifying events.

This sort of game may get used by coaches to determine what if any changes they will make to their national teams’ rosters.  Games like these can end up anything but “friendly”.   RESULT:   0-1   Mexico

6. Georgia vs. Belarus – international friendly

This was a geography lesson for Noob.   I thought I’d pick one with regional neighbors in the hopes it would be hotly contested.  And maybe it will be.  But Belarus is further north and Georgia much further south than Noob thought.  The countries’ centers are over 1000 miles apart.   RESULT:   2-2

   So much learningness to do…

7. Kosovo vs. Latvia – international friendly

Kosovo’s pretty new on the scene internationally, football-wise and in general.  Noob thought it would be fun to see how they’re faring.   RESULT:   Kosovo   4-3

8. Kingstonian vs. Worthing – Isthmian League

Welcome to tier seven of the English football system, Noobites!   This league features semipro and amateur clubs from London, East and Southeast England.   Two teams will be promoted to National League North or South.  At least one will be demoted to one of a number of smaller, regional leagues.

Worthing is in last place, and by six points.  They are “The Mackerel Men”, or just “The Mackerels”, Worthing being a large seaside town.   Their hosts today are in 8^th place.   RESULT:   Kingstonian   2-0

9. Kamuzu Barracks vs. Chitipa United – Malawai Premier

Noob had to search high and low to find games today featuring teams facing The Drop.  Noob couldn’t find much on 16^th/last-place Chitipa.   They are based in the district of the same name, the northernmost in the country.   KB is in 8^th.   RESULT:   Kamuzu   4-2

  There are our fellas

10. Zimbru II Chisinau vs. Real Succes Chisinau – Moldova “A” Division 

Noob never thought he’d be getting to this second-tier league a second time.  And we revisit Zimbru II!  Both of these clubs are in line to have to play in a Relegation avoidance mini-tournament at season’s end.  Zimbru II’s almost clear of it, while RSC is in 11^th place.

Real Succes was first RS Lilcora, named for a perfume and cosmetics distributor.  Noob just wonders where they distributed the third S in “succes”.   RESULT:   Zimbru II   1-0

   Yet I guess it could be worse…

This is a weekend where the usual European league suspects aren’t so much in play.  International fancypantsness trumps league scheduling.   Still, there are 10 games worth tracking for us, the new-ish American soccer fans!   Let the goodness wash over you.

1. San Francisco Deltas vs. NY Cosmos – NASL Soccer Bowl

Any tenured Noobite here knows I’ve had a long-standing love affair with North American second tier soccer.  And that love can never wane completely.  It is true.  That said, Noob’s request for a press credential was worse than denied.  It went unresponded to.   Congratulations, Deltas!   Even if Noob didn’t get to set The Management up with the coveted press credential.   RESULT:   Deltas   2-0

1. Switzerland vs. Northern Ireland – UEFA WCQ

Northern Ireland had no answer for the Swiss defense in the Round 2 match, losing 0-1.  Holding them to just one goal was admirable, but what will they change to get in the back of the net?   Inspired defense anyway.  Congrats on the World Cup, Switzerland!   RESULT:   0-0

   If these don’t scare-inspire Northern Ireland, nothing will.

3. Greece vs. Croatia – UEFA WCQ

Noob was left as a quivering mass of jelly after his John Stamos-as-Delphic-Oracle dream.  And for my that blood, sweat, and tears, that yogurt-hawking “Jesse” was WAY off.   Croatia won the first leg 4-1.   Congrats on the World Cup, Croatia!   RESULT:   0-0

4. U.S.A. vs. Canada – women’s international friendly

The FIFA-ranked #1 and #5 meet in a friendly, just days after a 1-1 tie.   But this one’s in Muricuh!   RESULT:   USA   3-1

   Wanna go see a friendly, Ms. Future Noob Ex-wife?

5. River Plate vs. Deportivo Moron – Copa Argentina

Tier-three Moron, your dream run has carried you all the way to the semifinal.  But now you get a tier-one powerhouse and their place.  You’ve captured Noob’s heart no matter what happens.  The winner of this one-off faces league mid-table Atletico Tucuman in the Final.   The miracle ends for Moron.  Well-played.   RESULT:   River Plate   3-0

   Haaaaaht chicken!

6. T.N.S. vs. Queen of the South – Scottish League Cup

A reminder of what this event is:  Scottish tier-teams 2-4, plus whomever else they felt like inviting.  That’s how Welsh power The New Saints are here.  This is one a one-off quarterfinal match between them and a middling second division Scottish side.   RESULT:   T.N.S.   3-0

7. Vasco de Gama vs. Sao Paolo – Brazil Serie A

#8 vs. #12.  Really, Noob?  Yep!   Because the top seven in this league qualify for next year’s Copa Libertadores.   VdG is just two points out of that last slot.   Sadly for them, Noobstradamus’ dream does not bode well for them.

I was walking the Paulsita, but backwards.   I was having a happy dream of walking the Paulista.  I was nearly to the Paraiso neighborhood at one end when I was filled with a radiant joy that literally burst from my chest.  The beam of white light made sparkly letters in the sky that read, “Sao Paolo – road upset”.   Noob prediction fail!   RESULT:   1-1

Noob really has to get his oft-muddled sleep schedule straightened out…

      So tired, I can almost keep my eyes open

8. Perez Zeledon vs. Herediano – Costa Rica Premier

#3 PZ is looking to stay afloat for the league postseason.  That won’t come easily, as Numero Uno comes to their place.   RESULT:   Herediano   0-1

9. Bangkok United vs. Buriram United – Thai Premier

Congrats to Buriram!   They’ve already clinched the league title and Group Stage berth for next year’s AFC Champions League.

Bangkok Utd. is in 3^rd.   This spot would get a Preliminary Round AFC CL berth IF one of the league’s top two was also the winner of the nation’s FA Cup.  This year, Bangkok is one of the sides that has made the 11/25 Final for that event, and they’re facing the league 4^th place team.   RESULT:   Buriram   1-3

10. Makassar vs. Madura – Indonesia Super League

3^rd hosts 4^th place here.   Madura should safely be qualified to an AFC Champions League berth for next year.   They’d be in more danger, since only three qualify, but two of the top current top five teams are not eligible to compete in it.   AFC hasn’t given many of these teams “club licenses” back yet.  Indonesian footyball has been a hot, sanctioned mess in recent years.  RESULT:   Makassar 6-1

  So it’s “bubble soccer” -and- “footy ball”?   Confusion reigns!

It’s a quirky Saturday!  Usually Noob has a hard time filtering down to just ten games these days.  There’s some great international play today, but the biggest leagues just don’t have as much going.

Still, Noob gives you, as always, the best ten games for you, the new-ish American soccer fan!  Let’s get edumacated, Noobites.

1. Denmark vs. Ireland – UEFA WCQ

The Second and final Round of World Cup qualification continues.  Winner of each of these two-legged ties moves on.

Ireland made it this far on defense.   They’ll need all they can muster.  Denmark scores two goals per game during the Group Stage.   Defense- engage!   RESULT:   0-0

B.  Congo DR vs. Guinea – CAF WCQ

The Group Stage is the final stage in Africa.  Winner of each Group of four advances.

Congo DR trails 1^st place-Tunisia by three points.  They must win, and they must hope Tunisia loses to dreadful Libya.  And even then, Congo DR still have to have caught them on goal differential.   But will Libya do its part to keep snaky Tunisia out?   RESULT:   Congo DR   3-1

  Too busy being x-treeeeeeme to be good at football

3. Tunisia vs. Libya – CAF WCQ

Tunisia should win by two.   I guess.  Tunisia advances to the World Cup by one point.   RESULT:   0-0

4. Ivory Coast vs. Morocco – CAF WCQ

It’s down to these two in this Group, and Ivory Coast trails Morocco by a point.  And they’re down in goal differential, so only a win will do.   Congrats on World Cup!   Morocco   o-2

5. Celaya vs. Oaxaca – Ascenso MX

1^st hosts 3^rd place in Mexico’s second tier.  Both have already qualified for the Liguilla – postseason mini-tournament.  However, only two points separate them in the standings.  Seeding is very much on the line.   RESULTL:   0-0

  If it looks cooler than the average beer can logo, it’s a good crest.

6. Universidad de Chile vs. Santiago Wanderers – Copa Chile

It’s the Final!   This match is the first in the two-legged tie.   UdC is having the much better league season, sitting in 2^nd.  Santiago toils in 11^th.  UdC doesn’t have much of a goal differential, which means they’re winning close.   Between that and being at home, they’re tough to pick against.   Upset!    RESULT:   Santiago   1-3

7. Perez Zeladon vs. Saprissa – Costa Rica Premier

3^rd hosts 2^nd place here as this half-season nears completion.   Saprissa has already qualified for “the quadrangular” – the postseason event for this league.   PZ would need to collapse to get caught by two teams at this late stage.   Not played, nor scheduled to play until 2/7

   Noob’s of mixed emotions about the crest.  It need a tertiary color.  But no one ever asks Noob.

8. Olimpija Llubljana vs. Maribor – Slovenia Cup

This is a quarterfinal two-legged tie, first match.  It’s s shame these two are meeting so early in this event.  They’re tied for first in their league, and no other club is even close.   RESULT:   Llubljana   2-0

9. Raja Casablanca vs. Wydad Casablanca – Moroccan Botolo League

This one pits 3^rd place against last.  Last?  But why, Noob?   Wydad, as you may recall, recently won the CAF Champions League!   While they’ve been busy with that, their league matches were postponed.  They’ve only played one, compared to most clubs’ four.   PPD

10. Kakamega Homeboyz vs. Gor Mahia – Kenya Premier

Congrats to Gor Mahia, 2017 league champions!   This looked competitive at one point, but Gor Mahia flexed late and is ahead of the pack by -20- points.  Homeboyz (correct spelling) are tied for 4^th.   RESULT:   Gor Mahia   0-1

   They should celebrate at B-Club Nairobi.  Very exclusive, and – per one review – for “cool cats”.

Welcome to another Globetrotting Friday, Noobites!   Big games are usually sparse right ahead of the weekend, so we go travelling to less-heralded football countries the world over.

While your passport will get plenty of stamps today. there are actually games that really matter for a Friday change!   We’ll check to see if places like Vatican City even have football in a week.

1. Sweden vs. Italy – UEFA WCQ

Scroll down to yesterday’s T2T for explanation on this Second Round.   Sweden statistically outperformed Italy in the Group Stage, but Italy has Spain to contend with.  Both teams scored a ton, so this could be a wide-open affair.   Or nor.   RESULT:   Sweden 1-0

  Dang it, Staffer-Dan-o.  That IS a lovely pump, but we were looking for Italian SWEDE, not suede.

   Staffer Dan-o’s shame

B.  Honduras vs. Australia – Interconfederation WCQ

This is the first leg, and the winner of the tie qualifies for the World Cup.   They each qualified for this extra qualifying round by being juuuhhhhhhst good enough in their own federations’ qualifying events.  They are FIFA-ranked #69 and #43 respectively.   RESULT:   0-0

3. New Zealand vs. Peru – Interconfederation WCQ

This could be ugly, even in NZ.  Peru is actually ranked 10th worldwide.  New Zealand is #122.   RESULT:   0-0

  Bubble Soccer may be very popular in NZ, but Noob doesn’t think FIFA’s going to allow them to set up any related home turf-rules for a WCQ.

4. South Africa vs. Senegal – CAF WCQ

Senegal leads two teams in this Group of four by two points each.  South Africa’s in 4^th/last, yet not eliminated with this and one more game to go.   This is a must-win for them.   A tie by the middle two teams is almost as necessary.  Remember, only the 1st play team from each African group gets into WC.   RESULT:   Senegal   0-2

5-7.  England vs. Germany, Belgium vs. Mexico, France vs. Wales – international friendlies

Slappin’ back’s and highin’ fives.  These are tune-ups of sorts for the World Cup for all six of these teams.   RESULTS:   England-Germany   0-0;   Belgium-Mexico   3-3;   France   2-0

Whoops!  Sorry, Wales.   Noob’s bad.

8. Atletico Tucuman vs. Rosario Central – Copa Argentina

These two are only mid-pack in league this year, but at least it should be a very competitive match.  The winner of this one-off Semifinal gets the winner of River Plate and tier-two Deportivo Moron.   RESULT:   Tucuman   0-0 / 3-1 pk

9. Viktoria Plzen vs. Slovacko – Czech Cup

Plzen is 13-0-0 in the country’s top league.   Slovacko has one win.

Given the separation of Czech Rep. and Slovakia, the visitor’s name sounds kind of like an ethnic epithet.  Weird.   Upset!   RESULT:   Slovacko   2-3 aet

10. North Korea vs. Malaysia – Asian Cup qualification

This qualifying event is in its Third Round.  Effectively, it’s a second Group Stage.   The top two from each Group of four qualifying for the AFC Asian Cup.   The winner of that event represents Asia in the FIFA Interconfederation Cup.

These two are in 3^rd and 4^th in their Group.  Both are longshots to qualify.   Lebanon is already all but mathematically qualified.  But Hong Kong is catchable, sort of.   RESULT:   North Korea   4-1

   Noob knows this isn’t the first time those two have worn that shamed look.

UEFA World Cup qualifying is in it’s Second (and final) Round.   UEFA has four World Cup slots left to fill, and they’re down to eight teams.  Teams in this round were eight out of nine best 2^nd place finishers in their Groups during the Group Stage.

The seeding draw for this round was -not- based on their records in that Group Stage.  Instead, UEFA uses a ranking system that is broader.   The top four ranked teams were placed in one Pot, lesser four in the other Pot.   Now each pair of teams matched will play a two-legged tie (two matches, home and away).

1. Northern Ireland vs. Switzerland – UEFA WCQ

UEFA-ranked #23 vs. #11.   Based on how they did in the Group Stage, it’s advantage Swiss.   They played equally on defense, but scored a full goal more per game.   RESULT:   Switzerland  0-1

B.  Croatia vs. Greece – UEFA WCQ

#18 plays host to #47 in this first leg.  Greece is the lowest-ranked team left alive.  Yet based on the Group Stage results, this seems like a very even matchup.

Noobstraamus has had a vision for this match.   He saw the rotting Python slain by Apollo.   The sickly-sweet smell was overwhelming.   The snake started to wriggle, then writhe in a gale force wind!   The serpent was blown into a spinning circle in the clouds, and the circle exploded!   In it’s place, the shining form of yogurt-gorging John Stamos.

“I’m the new Oracle of Delphi”, he explained, Dannon Oikos dripping form his perfect chin.   “Greeks and Greek stuff are good.”   Noob fail!   More, Stamos-as-Oracle fail.  On so many levels.   RESULT:   Croatia 4-1

 

  Fine, John…um….1-3 Greece victory predicted – just cover up that ghastly void, for the love of Noob!

3. LSK Kvinner vs. Manchester City – UEFA Women’s Champions League

They’re down to the Round of 16.  The host is Lillestrom women’s team (Norway).  They’re playing two-legged ties.

Based on Women’s Cup rankings (thank you, Eurotopfoot.com), #40 is hosting #19.   Noob is not convinced there’s much parity on the women’s side of football, so this feels like a substantial gulf.  Looking forward to event results, seeing if I’m right.   Right.  *nod*    RESULT:   Man City   0-5

  Substantially bad “gulf” joke!   I blame Staffer Dan-o.

  Now where did that naughty Staffer Dan-o go….

4. Stjarnan vs. Slavia Prague – UEFA Women’s Champions League

#39 hosts #12 here.  The home Icelanders went undefeated in the Group Stage, and beat their Russian foe handily in the Round of 32.   S.P. qualified to enter the competition at the Round of 32, dismantled the Belarussian side.   RESULT:   Prague   1-2

5. Canada vs. U.S.A. – women’s friendly

Wouldn’t anything involving Canadians be friendly?   RESULT   1-1

6. Monterrey vs. Santos – Liga MX

Monterrey has won four matches in a row, between Liga and Copa, until losing to lowly BUAP on the road.  They should be anxious to set things right, as UANL has nearly chased them down for the #1 seed in the upcoming Liguilla.    RESULT:   1-1

7. Scotland vs. Netherlands – international friendly

Perhaps this is a literal consolation match for teams that nearly and should’ve qualified for the World Cup and didn’t.   And still more Scottish sadness.   RESULT:   Netherlands   0-1

  Sorry, sweet red-headed Scottish girl.  But the X means you’re out.

8. Finland vs. Estonia – international friendly

         RESULT:   Finland   3-0   

   1)  No it isn’t.    2)  Language, goodman!   3)  It’s your haircut, not the game that matches that descriptor.

   9.  Luxembourg vs. Hungary – international friendly

Luxembourg actually won a game in the Group Stage of UEFA WCQ.  Not bad, given that it’s only about the size of Rhode Island.   Hail, fighting…Luxems!   RESULT:   Luxembourg   2-1

10. Iran vs. Panama – international friendly

To gives one an idea of how the federations stack up, this is FIFA-ranked #34 vs. #49.  This game was actually in Pamama.   RESULT:   Iran   1-2

1. Carlisle United vs. Fleetwood Town – EFL Trophy

Noob hates typing these words, but Fleetwood Town has already qualified to advance.  This is the last game for this Group.  Carlisle needs to win, it appears, as they are down a point and the tiebreaker to Leicester City’s youth squad.

Carlisle Utd has a tradition dating back to the 1970’s of the mascot carrying a stuffed foxed named Olga onto the pitch before games.  Noob’s emotions are really going back and forth on this one.  But if that’s what needs to happen to take down accursed Fleetwood Town, then so be it!  (If you’re brand new, refer to yesterday’s T2T.  The rant exhausted Noob.)   RESULT:   Fleetwood   1-2

  Noob honestly thought it was going to be a stuffed TOY fox.   That thing’s heinous!

B.  Bury vs. Stoke City U21 – EFL Trophy

If either can get a win here, that team will pass 2^nd place Blackburn Rovers and move on to the next round.  Rovers appear to own the tiebreaker of 3^rd place Bury, so a draw today isn’t enough.

Bury is a town of 75,000 or so, in the north-central part of Greater Manchester.  They play in League One and are known as The Shakers.  The origin of the nickname dates all the way back to 1892 when the head coach referred to them as such in a pre-game speech.   RESULT:   Bury   3-1

  Whitehead Clock Tower, Bury

3. Bristol Rovers vs. Swindon Town – EFL Trophy

These two are tied for 2^nd and 3^rd in the Group.  This, too, is the last Group game.  Winner advances.  Bristol seems to have the tiebreaker on Swindon, so even a tie is enough for these Rovers.

One of Bristol’s nicknames is “The Gas”, because of a gasworks near where they used to play.  It was an intracity rival that demeaningly gave them the name, but the club embraced it.   RESULT:   Swindon   2-4

4. Pachuca vs. Tijuana – Copa MX

This is the last quarterfinal of the Apertura Copa, with two so-so top-league teams facing off.  The winner gets Ascenso side Atlante, which advanced last round yet again on penalty kicks.  Tijuana seems to play a more open, aggressive game on the road , so this one should be entertaining.   RESULT:   Pachuca   4-0

  Noob doesn’t get it, but pleeease be the halftime show.

5. Atletico Junior vs. Independiente Medellin – Copa Colombia

It’s the second leg of the final!  Junior got the draw on the road in the first game, 1-1.  These two just about couldn’t be more evenly matched.  They’re 3^rd and 1^st place respectively in their league.   Hail to the victors!!   Athletico Junior is your 2017 Copa champion, 3-1 on aggregate.   RESULT   A.Junior   2-0

6. Zamora vs. Mineros de Guayana – Copa Venezuela

This is the Final as well!  First leg being played here though.  Zamora’s in 2^nd in league, while MdG is struggling in 8^th.

Zamora is actually based in a town called Barinas.   The club are known as “Las Llaneras” – The Plainsmen.   RESULT:   1-1

   Booooooring lack of color.  KILLER ‘stache silhouette

7. Olimpia vs. Marathon – Honduras Premier

These two are tied for 2^nd, trailing CD Motagua by two points.  Olimpia has given away -1- goal at home all season.  The next-best defensive teams have given up six.  Marathon doesn’t score a ton, looks to be in trouble here.   PPD

8. Iceland vs. Czech Republic – international friendly

Iceland are still reveling in their success at UEFA World Cup qualification, winning their group!   The Czechs finished 3^rd in theirs.   RESULT:   Czech Rep.   1-2

  And doing their reveling inside a GLACIER

9. Congo vs. Benin – international friendly

Benin rates better internationally, yet didn’t make the Group Stage for CAF World Cup qualification.  Congo did, but finished last in their Group.   RESULT:   1-1

10. North East Stars vs. Club Sando – TT Pro League

OK, Trinidad and Tobagos’s national team helped keep the U.S. out of the World Cup at CONCACAF qualification.  Noob has already swallowed the bitter pill, feels just fine about going to this less-heralded league for Tracking on a somewhat light Wednesday.

These two are in 1^st and 3^rd place respectively.  North East Stars are based in the borough of Arima.  The club is nicknamed the “Sangria Grande Boys”, named after the town in which they play.   Now slated for 11/25

  Love love LOVE the red-gold fade work here.