Soccernoob

T2T consistently filters for and brings to you the ten finest games worth Tracking.  Drink them in.

Fridays, the leagues we – the newish North American soccer fans – lean towards most are a bit lighter in their schedules.   Do we then laze about?  No.   We pack our bags and Trot the Globe!   Let’s get our fun and learning on.

1. The New Saints vs. Connah’s Quay – Welsh Premier

Hello, Wales, how do?   We haven’t seen a match involving two teams in the top three of your ten in what feels like ages.

Defending champions T.N.S. are in 1^st again, while CQ are tied for 3^rd with Bangor City.   Only one team gets a slot in next year’s Champions League, and it’s up for grabs.   These teams are just two points apart in the table.

Fun fact:   They play games in Oswestry – which is in England!  But they also still officially represent their former home of Llansantffraid, Wales, just eight miles away.

RESULT:   ppd

B.  Dunav Ruse vs. Levski Sofia – Bulgaria FA Cup

For this nation’s national championship Cup, all “registered” teams get to take part.   This refers to the amateur third and fourth tier leagues, as well as the professional top two.  All Rounds are single elimination matches (except the Semis).

This event is in the Quarterfinals stage.  “The Dragons” were fortunate to get drawn to play at home.  After finishing 4^th last year in the First League (tier one), they’re down in 13^th now.  Levski Sofia is in 3^rd, which is no surprise.  The teams based in Sofia dominate.

RESULT:   Levski Sofia   0-2

Dan the Intern-o Inferno, why aren’t you doing your job??  

Noob image-Googled “Sofia domination” without you to stop him.   I can’t un-see some things…

3. Sumgayit vs. Qarabag – Azerbaijan FA Cup

This one only has teams from the top two divisions playing.   This event just isn’t as popular there as FA Cups are in so many countries.  But if you’ve been joining Noob for any length of time, Qarabag is a club name you know.  They own soccer here, regularly get berthed into Champions League.

This Round is the Quarterfinals, and the matchups here are two-legged ties, meaning the clubs face each other home and way to determine which advances.  Premier League 4^th-place Sumgayit lost the first match 1-2, but have at least a puncher’s chance at home now.

Fun “Fact”:  The city of Sumgayit is said to be named for a hero named “Sum”.  He defeated a monster blocking the river, but was swept away.  His lady love would cry at the river shouting “Sum qayit!”, meaning, “Sum, come back!”

RESULT:   Sumgayit   2-0      And the hosts are through to the Semfinals on a comeback upset!  They win 3-2 on aggregate

4. Den Bosch vs. Fortuna Sittard – Dutch Eerste Divisie

2^nd place hosts 5^th in the Netherlands’ second tier league.  The top team gets promoted to the Eredivisie at season’s end.   A mess of others will compete in a postseason playoff for the same right.  Sittard is just a point out of 1^st.

Not-so-Fun Fact:   The governing body in the Netherlands revoked Sittard’s license to play several years ago.   That decision was revoked in court, and their financial woes have been relatively on the mend since.

RESULT:   Sittard   2-4      Sittard into 1st!   Den Bosch slips to 8th.

 

Or because our parent organization tries to make us stop playing.

5. Sydney vs. Melbourne City – Australia A-League

Powerhouse Sydney is second-best in scoring in this league, and the only team allowing less than one goal over game on average.  They haven’t run away with the league yet this year, but things are trending that way.  3rd-place Melbourne’s more realistic goal than winning this game is catching 2^nd-place Newcastle for the league’s other AFC Champions League slot next year.

Fun Fact:  Sydney’s biggest fan support group is “The Cove”, referencing the original name of the colonial settlement, “Sydney Cove”.

RESULT:   Sydney   3-1

6. JS Saoura vs. MC Alger – Algeria Ligue 1

Algeria’s top league sends to teams to CAF (Africa) Champions League.  “The Eagles” have that second spot now.  MC Algers isn’t far back at 4^th place, and these two look about statistically identical.

RESULT:   1-1

 

Noob likes him some Eagles.  ‘Muricuh!  

But can’t they get each one its own ball?

7. Uganda vs. Zanzibar – CECAFA Cup

We haven’t visited this event in a week or so, so let’s review and catch up.  CECAFA is an association of eastern and central African teams.  Many of them play in this event, plus they invite whomever they want.   Nine teams were competing in this year’s tournament.  The Group Stage is done, so we’re into the Semifinals now.

Uganda won their Group, and so get to host this elimination match.  Zanizbar finished 2^nd in theirs.  The winner will face Kenya in the Final, which defeated Burundi to get there.

RESULT:   Zanzibar   1-2      And they’re in the Final!

8. Baadraan Tehran vs. Persepolis – Hazfi Cup (Iran)

The top two leagues’ teams compete for Iran’s FA Cup championship.  Unlike many other national league, the winner of this one will earn a slot in their continental federation’s Champions League.

Baadraan is part of Iran’s second-tier league, the Azadegan League.  They’re in 2^nd there, seem likely to be promoted.  But this is top-flight #1 Persepolis paying a visit.

RESULT:   Persepolis   1-2

Fun Fact:  Sponsoring company Baadraan Gostar appears to be an online seller of bath, beauty and textile products.  We’d know more, but Dan the Intern-o Inferno has been shirking his duties, instead making this:

9. Fiji vs. New Caledonia – Pacific Mini Games

The event name doesn’t seem to need much explanation.  Tiny Pacific nation countries playing lots of sports.   Six nations’ teams are competing in the men’s football.  The format is a single round-robin, and they’re playing the final games now.

Which teams will get the gold, silver and bronze medals is already decided.  It’s just a question of what order those top three will come in.  Fiji is in 3^rd, two points behind the leaders.   But they only have one route to the gold medal.  They need to win, and the below game to end in a draw.

RESULT:   Fiji   4-1      Good for the silver!  Because…

10. Vanuatu vs. Solomon Islands – Pacific Mini Games

Because here are the top two in the medal table!   Solomon Islands are the more accomplished side.  In fact, they have yet to allow a goal!  But this whole deelio is being played in Vanuatu.  They’ve been scoring more than four goals per contest.

RESULT:   Vanuatu   3-2    Vanuatu gets the gold!   Solomon Islands get the bronze.

Four goals?  So outlandish, Dean Cain is pushing to revive the TV series.

(He needs the work.)

T2T’s  still bringing you and me, the newish American soccer fans, the ten most important games to follow.   League, Cup, international play – it’s all right here.

Noob is changing the format just a little, for the holiday season anyway.  With the major American soccer season wrapped up, and the “silly season” upon us, this feature will scale back to four times a week.

Relegation Monday and Globetrotting Friday will continue to each get their own treatments.  But the three midweek days and then the weekends will each get one slate of ten feature games.

Without further ado, let’s dig into the freshly-baked footyball goodness!

Tuesday, 12/12

1. Burnley vs. Stoke City – English Premier

A team has to finish in 5^th to automatically get a berth into at least 2018 Europa League (higher = Champions League).  7^th place Burnley continue to ride their defense to narrow wins, with five in their last seven matches.  Stoke City have fallen to 15^th.

RESULT:   1-0      They’ve played one more game than most teams, so this may not last.  For the moment, though, Burnley in 4th!

B.  Yeovil Town vs. Port Vale – English FA Cup

Almost 800 teams technically play in this event, stretching all the way down to pyramid level 10 in the English football system.  Most of the lower—tier teams have already been eliminated, and now the event is in the Second Round Proper.  “Proper” refers to Rounds after which tier-four and higher teams start entering the tournament.

This match features two League Two (tier four) teams.   This is also a replay of a match from ten days ago.  The first one, at Port Vale, ended in a draw.  Rather than go to penalty kicks, they replay the match at the other site.

Yeovil Town is a Noob-adopted club, and “Yeovil True” will ring throughout County Somerset when they are victorious!

RESULT:   Yohvil   3-2   aet      Day or night, we are green and white!

 

Yeovil will need no redemption after his glorious day, Andy.

3. Gremio vs. Pachuca – FIFA Club World Cup

This tournament features the six continental confederation champions, plus the top-flight league’s champion from the host country (U.A.E.)   This one moves fast, every Round being a one-match Knockout.

CONCACAF champions Pachuca knocked out Noob-fave Wydad Casablanca in the Quarterfinals.  Still, let us express much love for our Mexican neighbor!   Pachuca will need every bit it can get.   South American champions Gremio out of Brazil are the real deal, much better on paper.

RESULT:   Gremio   1-0      Pachuca beat them most everywhere on the pitch, but just didn’t find the back of the net.

4. Inter Milan vs. Pordenone – Coppa Italia

Teams from the top four tiers of Italian football compete in this FA Cup.  It’s reached the bracketed Round of 16.  The one-match Knockout format continues.

Noob’s Tracked Pordenone previously as a “minnow” –a lower-level team getting deep into the tournament.  They are the only third-tier team remaining, and none from level four survived.  They beat Serie A Cagliari last Round., but powerhouse Inter Milan is a different caliber of opponent.  They’re the current Serie A leader.

RESULT:   Inter   0-0 / 5-4 pk      Inter dominated the box score, with 31 shots on goal to Pordenone’s six.   Still, anything could’ve happen in pk’s.

 

Apparently soccernoob hasn’t caught on in Italy yet.  

They still haven’t changed the weird bicycle helmet aerial view-crest yet.

 

 

Wednesday, 12/13

5. Southampton vs. Leicester City – English Premier

As the weather gets colder, Leicester have been heating up, with three straight wins!  But they haven’t really dominated anyone, so it might be a lot to expect them to remain this high for long.  They’re in 8^th on the table.  Southampton, meanwhile, have had just one victory in their last six tries, good for 11^th place.

RESULT:   Leicester   1-4      The victors solidify their 8th place spot with the win.  Southampton fall into a tie for their 11th spot.

6. Al Jazira vs. Real Madrid – FIFA Club World Cup

This the second Semifinal, following Tuesday’s match above.  Real Madrid are light year’s better.  The question is simply how much will they care about this event.  European teams have a tendency to not prioritize this compared to league and other international competitions.

RESULT:   Real Madrid   1-2      The defending champs had to come back from down 1-0, get the deciding goal in 81′, and it sounded like overcome some very home-sided officiating to win.

They’ll defend their title against Brazilian side Gremio in the Final.

 

 

Speaking of priorities, Noob thinks–

Wait, you didn’t make “Freedom” her real name?  Stunning.

7. Flamengo vs. Independiente – Copa Sudamericana

It’s the second leg of the Final!   This is the second-most prestigious international tournament in South America, being the equivalent of Europa League.   Argentinian Independiente took a 2-1 lead out of the first match at their place.  But now they have to go to Brazil, and Flamengo’s the better-rated team.

RESULT:   1-1      And so congratulations to Independiente!   They win the tournament title 2-1 on aggregate.

8. Club Brugge vs. Sporting Charleroi – Belgium FA Cup

It’s a shame this is only the Quarterfinal, as this match pits the #1 and #2 top league teams.  Collectively, these two have not lost in their last 15 games.  Brugge won the first season match at Charleroi 1-3.   They’ve been about impossible to stop on offense.

RESULT:    postponed

 

 

 

Apparently, nothing that needs stopping can be stopped.

9. Partizan Beograd vs. Red Star Belgrade – Serbian SuperLiga

Together, these two have lost only three times in league all year.  The 3^rd place team alone have lost four.

Partizan doesn’t look likely to catch RSB at nine points back in the standings, but that dream has to start at home, now.  Can they even score on them?  RSB only gives up a goal once every three games on average.

RESULT:   1-1

Thursday, 12/14

10. Hereford vs. Fleetwood Town – English FA Cup

Back on 12/2, tier-seven and minnow Hereford did enough to stay alive in the event, earning a 1-1 draw against Noob-reviled Fleetwood Town.  Now the League One (tier three) side has to go on the road.

Bulls, you must rock Edgar Street Stadium like never before!   This is Fleetwood, those of black heart and no soul.  Even though they’re from London, Fleetwood Mac is seemingly named for their town.   Stevie Nicks’ unholy vibrato makes that of Joan Baez sound as silky smooth as water gliding over ice.  Even for this weak connection, this football team is to be treated as outlaw!!

And if that doesn’t make much or enough sense you, stick around, even check out the archived T2T’s and such.   This qualifies as downright normal on Noob.

RESULT:   Fleetwood   0-2       Fie on you, Fleetwood!

(The below is vastly better than the real thing.)

Noobites, we got to gorge on the finest of football this weekend.  but our Tracking never ceases, even on comparatively-light Mondays.  Rather than settle for mid-table games, we go to the other ends of league tables for “important games”.

It’s Relegation Monday!   And these games are quite important to the teams presumably working hard to avoid getting booted down to second-tier leagues at seasons’ ends.

But first, we always hit a couple non-Relegation games of some more traditional consequence.

1. Libya vs. Zanzibar – CECAFA Cup

CECAFA is an association of east and central African teams, and they put on an annual tournament (inviting teams even outside that geographical area).

Zanzibar and Libya are 1^st and 4^th place in Group A (there’s one other Group).   The top two finishers will advance to the Semifinals.

Fun fact:  Libya’s games have all been 0-0 draws.

RESULT:   Libya 1-0.   

But with Kenya winning today, it’s not enough for Libya.  Kenya and Zanzibar are through the Semifinals out of Group A.  Uganda and Burundi advance from Group B.

B.  Fortuna Düsseldorf vs. Nürnberg – German 2. Bundesliga

2^nd hosts 3rd place in Germany’s second-tier league.  The top two get automatically promoted to top-flight at season’s end.  The 3^rd place finisher will compete against the third-to-last Bundesliga team for a first-tier slot the following season.

Noob would call this “The Umlaut Derby”, as both their club names properly contain those punctuation marks over the U’s.  But crappy Greuther Fürth near the bottom of the table also uses one, ruins it for everybody.

RESULT:   Nürnberg   0-2      The visitors move up to 2nd!

 

 

Words fail.

3. Nimes vs. Clermont Foot – French Ligue 2

2^nd hosts 5^th place in another league where the top two squads move up to the top league.  The next three in the table compete with the third-to-last team from Ligue 1 for a lot in next year’s Ligue 1.

Nimes plays fast and loose, scoring and giving up lots of goals.  Clermont plays things a bit closer to the vest.  If the home side scores first, this could get ugly fast.

RESULT:   Nimes   3-1       Clermont gets passed, is now in 8th

4. Randers vs. Midtjylland – Denmark Superliga

Last we saw Randers on a Relegation Monday (10/23), they were pulling off a draw against AaB.   Well, they’re still in the cellar.   And this time, the competition gets tougher.  Midtjyyland is in 2^nd place.

Fun fact:  This club was originally licensed as Randers Freja, named presumably for the Norse goddess of love, sex and war.

RESULT:    Midtjylland   0-4

 

Somehow, Noob doubts that phrase is historically accurate to the time of the lore’s creation.

5. Pirin Blagoevgrad vs. Ludogorets Razgrad – Bulgaria First Pro League

More than half this league participates in a Relegation avoidance tournament at season’s end.    Pirin have a goal differential that’s actually just barely negative, so we look for them to perhaps climb up to mid-pack, fight to avoid that quagmire entirely.  They won’t start that journey today, though, not with league #1 coming to town.

RESULT:   Razgrad   0-2

 

 

Noooo.   It’s Ludogorets Razgrad.   That would be a good dragon name though.

6. AEK Athens vs. AOK Kerkyra – Greece Super League

It doesn’t seem this league is going to miss Kerkyra if they get Relegated.  They have a history of shady business dealings.  But they’re tied with Apollon Smyrna for the first spot above the Drop Line, so Super League could end up stuck with them.

RESULT:   AEK   3-1

7. Konyaspor vs. Karabukspor – Turkey Super Lig

It’s a Relegation double-feature!  17^th and 18^th place an 18-team league battle here.  Three will be sent down.

Fun fact:  Konyaspor are known as “The Anatolian Eagles”.

RESULT:   Konyaspor   2-0

 

It’s illegal to shoot a bald eagle.  ‘Muricuh!

But that two-headed mistake of nature Noob would pick off on principle.

8. Tosno vs. Lokomotiv Moscow – Russia Premier

Tosno is in 14^th place of 16 teams.   The bottom two will get the boot for sure.  The next two will, at season’s end, fight one another for the right to stay up.  With just a win or two, Tosno could get clear of the Drop Zone.  Lokomotiv is the league heavyweight now, though.  Best o’ luck.

RESULT:   Lokomotiv   1-3

9. Sepsi OSK vs. CSMS Iasi – Romania Liga I

Sepsi is one of three teams that are too low in the standings, too late in the season, to have any mathematical chance of climbing out of the Relegation avoidance tournament.  Iasi is in 8^th, and the top six instead play in the league championship postseason.  But they’re seven points out of that position.

Fun fact:  Sepsi are known as “The Szeklers”, named for a Hungarian subgroup that would much rather identify as Hungarian than by this moniker.  So it’s weird.

RESULT:   Sepsi   2-1

10. Chacarita Juniors vs. Lanus – Superliga Argentina

Chacarita Juniors just came up last season, and they’re going right back down.  This league Relegates four teams, and these guys are twice as far from the second-to-last team as that team is from nearly mid-table.

Fun fact:  Juniors was founded in an anarchist library.   Noob’s guessing it had a lax take on late return fees.

RESULT:   Chacarita   3-0!     It’s a Relegation Monday miracle!

 

What’s freaking me out is that if The Management, Dan-o the Interno Inferno and Noob had a love child, he would look like this. 

I wish I was making that up.

First, congratulations to our home continent champions!   Toronto FC was exquisite in trouncing Seattle 2-0.   And make no mistake, only the score was close.  Seattle barely ever threatened, and only there goalkeeper, Fry, kept things interesting.

And to anyone who wants to argue Altidore was perhaps offsides by a couple of inches before scoring, well, Noob will poonch you in the snoosage.

Secondly, congratulations to Venezuelan Clausura champions Deportivo Lara!   They beat Mineros de Guayana 1-0 at home yesterday, which made the aggregate score 1-1.   They then won the title 4-3 in the ensuing penalty shootout.  They will play Apertura champions Monagas for the overall season title next week.

(Noob had seen that match slated for tomorrow, or would’ve Tracked it.  Lo siento!)

And now, Derby Day Sunday – and beyond!

1. Manchester City vs. Manchester United – English Premier

No other match could possibly lead off today’s T2T!  It’s the Manchester Derby, and it doesn’t need a ton of explanation. Noobites.  Gigantic intracity rivalry between two currently and historic great teams.  The first of these matches was in 1881.  United have won 72 times to City’s 50., plus there have been 52 draws.

They are #1 and #2 in the table to boot!  The last meeting, last year, went 0-0.  That feels unlikely this year.  Both teams have splendid defense, of course.  But City’s offense has put up 30% more goals than their rivals.

United have won three league matches in a row, though they lost at Switzerland’s FC Basel in Champions League during that stretch.  City are undefeated in EPL play this season,  but were stunned at home in C.L. a few days ago by Ukrainian Shakhtar Donetsk.  City had already won the Group, but it was still such a stunner that Shakhtar’s manager made good on a bet and showed up to the postgame presser dressed up as Zorro.

RESULT:   Man City   1-2     (had the home and away turned around)

This is The Management – It is felt Noob’s tall tale-telling days have gone on long enough.   It has been decided —

Um, er…disregard.   The Management would like you to carry on.  (Wow.)

B.  Liverpool vs. Everton – English Premier

Your EPL undercard is another named rivalry – the Merseyside Derby!  Merseyside is the county, and both clubs play in Liverpool.  In fact, one can easily see one club’s home grounds from the other’s.  Historically, this has been named “The Friendly Derby”, but in more recent years has seen more red cards than any other matches.

This year, this one doesn’t have nearly the cachet of the above match, as Everton had a dreadful start their league season.   But they’ve won three league matches in a row now though, climbing to 10^th.  Still, 4th place Liverpool hasn’t lost at home this year.  It’s their game to lose.

RESULT:   1-1

 

Your own personalized Everton dog tag will not help the cachet factor.

3. Monterrey vs. U.A.N.L. – Liga MX Final

A reminder on the format for this league.   The season is divided into to halves, the Apertura and Clausura.  Each one concludes with a Liguilla, a postseason tournament featuring the regular seaosn’s top eight finishers.  The winner of each Liguilla will face off to determine the season’s overall league champion.

This has beem the Apertura (opening) half of the 2017-18 season.  #1 and #2 made it through to the Final.  The first match, at U.A.N.L, went 1-1.   Statistically, Monterrey is better on both sides of the ball, if not by leaps and bounds.

RESULT:    U.A.N.L.     All hail the Tigres, pulling the road upset to take the title!

4. Villareal vs. Barcelona – La Liga

Barcelona is #1, only have conceded an average of one goal every other game.  6^th place Villareal probably needs two, even at home.

RESULT:   Barcelona   0-2

 

Wait, Villareal is Spanish Boaty McBoatface?

5. Napoli vs. Fiorentina – Italy Serie A 

The top six teams in Italy go to European league play – four to Champions League, two to Europa League.  There’s a widening gap in the table between the top six and everyone else.  Fiorentina sits atop that lesser heap.

This game is more about Napoli, who are in an absolutely dogfight with two other teams for 1^st place.  Will the league championship come down to which side occasionally falters, perhaps doesn’t hold serve on their own pitch?

RESULT:   0-0

6. Anderlecht vs. Charleroi – Belgium First Division A

Noob’s previously labelled this with the sponsor name, “Belgian Jupiler League”.  Change.

3^rd hosts 2^nd place here, in a league that Noob believes will send just two to next year’s Champions League.  Neither has lost a league match since October.

RESULT:   Charleroi   1-3

 

 

Anderlecht’s crest has a lot going on.  The gold stars and lower gold bordering help contain the insanity.

7. Ajax vs. PSV Eindhoven – Dutch Eredivisie

Eindhoven have won eight matches in a row between league and the nation’s FA Cup, last losing in a league game in early September.  They travel to 3^rd place Ajax today, who have been as good statistically as their hosts.

RESULT:   Ajax   3-0

8. Spartak Moscow vs. CSKA Moscow – Russia Premier

Spartak likes it wiiiide open.  CSKA isn’t quite as good on offense as the other top teams in the league, but they’re not far back, and they play much better defense.  They’re 4^th and 3^rd respectively, as everyone chases league leader Lokomotiv Moscow.

RESULT:   Spartak   3-0      Spartak to 2nd, CSKA down to 5th

9. Colon vs. Talleres – Superliga Argentina

5^th vs. 7^th place may not sound super smexy, but this league is 28 teams deep.  More, five teams will qualify for next year’s Copa Libertadores.  3^rd and -13^th– in this league in this league are separated by a mere 5 points.  This matters.

RESULT:   Talleres   1-2      Talleres moves up to 4th on GD

10. Perez Zeledon vs. Saprissa – Costa Rica Premier

Like many Latin countries, they divide this season into two tournaments – invierno and verano.  They recently completed the regular season invierno, and now the top four clubs are playing the postseason six-match Quadrangular tournament.  It’s a double-round robin.

The Verano tournament is wholly separate.  The two tournament champions will both be champions and not play off.

If Herediano, the regular season 1^st place finisher, wins the Quad, they are the invierno champions.   If one of the other three teams win, Herediano and that team will play for the title.  So far, it’s looking the latter way.  PZ and Saprissa are four and three points up on them three games into this stage.

RESULT:   PZ   3-2

 

 

Rather bland, though the 3-D shading helps.

The biggest soccer weekend in the U.S. is here!   The MLS Cup Final is today at 4:00 PM ET (ESPN).  But that’s just one of the ten most important games for us, the newish American soccer fans, to be keenly aware of today.

Noob’s ready to span the globe, like a pair of pre-distressed size 18 bazillion-waist bluejeans.

1. Toronto FC vs. Seattle Sounders – MLS Cup Final

The earth will shake over the glory and awe that is a rematch of last year’s MLS Cup Final!  Toronto hosted last year, but lost 4-5  in a penalty shootout following a 0-0 game

Toronto won the Western Conference regular season, the far tougher of MLS’ two.  The Sounders finished 2^nd in the East.  Despite the tougher schedule, Toronto’s goal differential is nearly 3x that of Seattle’s.

Tenured Noobites already know Noob roots harder against Seattle than any other Amuricuhn club.  The first hardcore soccer fan I ever met was a douchebag university T.A.  And he was a bandwagon fan-loser to boot.  So, c’mon Canadia!

RESULT:   Toronto   2-0      This one could’ve easily been 5-0 by halftime!   Toronto pressed relentlessly, and Seattle was spread way too far apart to get anything going offensively.   Thank you, Canadia!

B.  Al Jazira vs. Urawa Red Diamonds – FIFA Club World Cup

What this is:   This event features the six continental confederation champions, plus the top-flight league champion from the host country.

In the one-game opening round, host U.A.E.’s representative team beat Oceania’s Auckland City.  But all they earn is Noob’s deafening Urawa war-chant: “Gym-tan-sushi!”  (See the Vocab, Noob-style page if this is mysterious.)  Urawa’s league season is done, so they should be all-in for this tournament.

RESULT:   Al Jazira   1-0     And now team gym-tan-sushi is all out.

 

“Hi, I’m the Situation, of MTV’s former and soon-again Jersey Shore.  I show Noobites where the sushi goes!  Gym-tan-anything is my life.”

3.  Burnley vs. Watford – English Premier

7^th hosts 8^th place in this match.  Finishing in 7^th could mean a Europa league berth.  (Two English Cup tournaments’ results affect this possibility.)

Noob’s not certain Burnley’s a team you want to actually watch play.  Their games have only seen 26 goals scored.  By comparison, league #1 Manchester City have by themselves scored 46.  But watchability and Track-worthy are not the same thing.

RESULT:   Burnley   1-0      Watford slips to 9th.

4. Juventus vs. Inter Milan – Serie A, Italy

Inter Milan is how this team is most known outside Italy.  You will see them referred to by monikers such as simply “Inter” or “Internazionale” about as often.  “FC Internazionale Milano” is the full, official name.  But lots of clubs have long and longer names no one really uses.

When Noob first started paying attention to the global game, Juve’s success was as a defensive stalwart.   Now they’re the league’s offense-powerhouse.  Here they host #1 Inter.  Only two points separate them in the table.

RESULT:   0-0

 

Milano cookie as part of a “high-heeled cupcake”.

Soccer-related?  No.   Noob’s level of caring?   Sqaut.  Nummies!

5. Borussia Monchengladbach vs. Schalke 04 – German Bundesliga

Noob realizes that to folk who follow football much, one merely need say or write “Bundesliga”.  But we are Noob and Noobite, and here we also occasionally feature matches from Austria’s league of the same name.  Let’s err on this side of things.

So, is M’Gladbach’s mettle stronger than most teams’, or is their success so far all smoke and mirrors?  They’re in 4^th place somehow with a negative goal differential.  Winning close, losing big.  3^rd place-Schalke will be a severe test.  And every point’s counting here.  Only five points separate 2^nd and 9^th in the table!

RESULT:   1-1

6. Real Madrid vs. Sevilla – Spanish La Liga

This league is more officially “The Primer Division”, but “La Liga” is used more colloquially.  Noob’s usually used the former, so this this is a small change.

Real Madrid are the two-time defending UEFA Champions League winners, and won this league last year.  4^th place isn’t precisely crisis mode for them, and they haven’t lost a league match since September.  Yet here they are, tied with Sevilla in the table for the league’s final 2017-18 Champions League slot.

RESULT:   Real Madrid   5-0      Someone must’ve said something to Cristiano Ronaldo about his mom.   He ad two of the five -first half- goals.

 

Real Madrid answers your existential crisis-question with “Get to Champions League.”

Not helpful, hombres.

7. River Plate vs. Atletico Tucuman – Copa Argentina

The final!!  They’ll play this one at a neutral site- Mendoza.  Tucuman’s defense has been good throughout this event, but defending titlist River Plate have been utterly dominant.  But about a dozen games into their league season, these two are both mid-pack.  “The Millionaires” may not have an easy time hoisting the trophy today.

RESULT:   River Plate   2-1      Congrats to the FA Cup champions!

Deportivo Lara vs. Mineros de Guayana – Venezuela Primera Division

Another final!  Whichever of these two takes this Clausura (second half-season) title will play the Apertura (first half-season) winner in “The Serie Final” to decide the overall season’s champion.

Mineros won the first leg (match) of this two-legged tie (two-game series) 1-0.  Lara hosts the second match today.  These two finished 1^st and 2^nd in the Clausura regular season, so this should be the finish fans wanted.

RESULT:   Lara   1-0   With the aggregate being 1-1 after both matches, Lara went on to win a peanlty shootout for the title!

 

Tequenos – popular Venezuelan snack food. 

Mmm…white cheese filling.  That’s what fan-Noob wants.

9. Kenya vs. Zanzibar – CECAFA Cup

Forgive Noob’s repetitiveness.   The focus here will always lie heavier on the newish American fan.  The hope is that there are always fresh eyes on this humble site, so I’m erring on the side of over- and reexplaining/defining things.

CECAFA is an association of east and central African teams.   That said, not all the teams in this event will fall under that geographical umbrella.  They’ll invite whomever they feel like.   This tournament is a nine-team affair, with no bearing on other leagues or tournaments – a standalone.

They’ve played two games each.  The top two from this five-team Group and the other four-team Group will all advance to the next Round.  These two are in 1^st and 2^nd here in the Group Stage.  Zanzibar has the most goals, Kenya has allowed none.  Rock, hard place.

RESULT:   0-0

10. Japan vs. North Korea – East Asian Championship

The longer name for this one is the EAFF E-1 Football Championship.   Guy’s, Noob freelance editing price is lower than you would believe.  Let’s chop it off.

This tournament – hosted in Japan – is in its final stage, with four teams remaining.  It’s Group-style, not bracketed Knockout.  They’ll all play each other, accumulating table points.   FIFA ranks these two at #55 and #114 respectively.

Noobstradamus had a vision about this result, but he’s keeping it to himself.  No telling these days what could cause an international incident.

RESULT:   Japan   1-0

 

Safety first, Noobites.

But bet on Japan by two.  Uh oh…

TGIGF – Thank Goodness It’s Globetrotting Friday!

Daily, it is Noob’s true joy to bring to light the ten most important football games of the day.  This is from the my perspective as a newish American fan of the global game.  Fridays, things go a bit sideways, but in the best way.

The “big”, “important” leagues of the world just don’t put on a lot of matches on Friday.  This gives us the chance to Globetrot!  We may start with somewhat familiar locales, but soon we’re off on a fabulous adventure to soccer-lands less-heralded.

1. Bristol City vs. Sheffield United – EFL Championship

Noob has been referring to this as “ECL/English Championship League”.  The above seems to be the more official (non-sponsor) name.  In any case, it’s the second tier of English football.

Bristol is #3, Sheffield Utd. #4.   The top two teams at season’s end get promoted to Premier League automatically.  The next four will play a mini-tournament from which the winner will also be promoted.

This season isn’t quite halfway done, but #1 Wolverhampton has opened up a ten-point lead on these two.  They won’t be caught.  They’re each six points behind #2 Cardiff City, so this is an important match for which will be in the driver’s seat to possibly catch them.

RESULT:   Bristol City 1-2       Bristol gets a goal in the 90th minute to steal three points!   (also, Noob mislisted Bristol has the home side)

B.  Uganda vs. South Sudan – CECAFA Cup

CECAFA is a sub-continental association of Eastern and Central African clubs.   This is a stand-alone Cup tournament, meaning teams are not qualifying for other events via this one.

This first stage is the Group Stage, and the nine teams are divided into two Groups.  The top two teams from each Group will advance to the Semifinals.  It’s very early, but these two occupy the last two positions in the Group B table.  FIFA ranks them #74 and #152 respectively.

RESULT:   Uganda   5-1

3. Tonga vs. New Caledonia – Pacific Mini Games

Noob thought this was merely a friendly, but what a surprise!   The Pacific Mini Games, hosted in Vanuatu, incorporates a variety of sports that are being contested between 24 national teams.  Six are participating in the football round robin.

So far, Tonga is 0-0-2, losing by a cumulative score of 13-0.  Such is life when you’re ranked dead last by FIFA (#206).  New Caledonia has the same record, but at least they’ve scored a goal.

RESULT:   New Caledonia   2-4

 

 

Tongan flag-bearer

4. Dikhil vs. Port – Djibouti Premier

This match pits together 7^th and 3^rd place league teams.

Most of the teams in this league are in Djibouti City, but FC Dikhil is not.   It’s a three-hour bus ride between the two, yet they still play their games at the Stade de Ville in the capital.

RESULT:      Might’ve been moved to 12/16

5. Al Faisaly vs. Al Jazeera – Jordan FA Cup

Noob’s still searching for clarity on how this event is working.  These two don’t appear to be in the same Group.  In any case, these two are in 4^th and 3^rd place in the nation’s top league.

RESULT:   Al Jazeera   0-2

The hosts are known as “The Boss” and “The Blue Eagles”.

 

 

Mona was the boss.  Sorry, Tony and Al Faisaly.

6. Al Markhiya vs. Umm Salal – Qatar Stars League

There appears to be a severe gulf between the top five and bottom seven in Qatar’s top league.  Umm Salal is in 5^th, still very much in play to get one of the three possible berths for next year’s AFC Champions League.  Al Markhiya is in 10^th.

RESULT:   1-1

Al Markiya is a district in Doha, where the royal family resides.

 

 

The emir’s palace

7. GAMTEL vs. Fortune – GFA League First Division

Noob’s had trouble finding anything about the visiting side here.  GAMTEL finished in 4^th place last year.  This season is more or less just starting up.

GAMTEL, named for its corporate sponsor, plays out of Banjul, the capital.  They won the league for the first time in 2015.

RESULT:   0-0

8. AS Kigali vs. Kiyovu Sports – Rwanda Premier League

1^st vs. 3^rd place, not bad at all!

Kigali is one of three teams that calls the nation’s capital home.  The Don Cheadle-starred film Hotel Rwanda depicted the infamous genocide that took place there.

RESULT:    might’ve been cancelled, or reslated for 12/21

 

 

Underrated Nolte performance in a supporting role.

9. Transvaal vs. Leo Victor – SVB Topklasse (Suriname)

Noob’s also seen this listed as the Eerste Division.  In Dutch football, the Eerste Divisie is the second-highest league.  It’s top flight in Suriname.  Also interesting, the nation is a member of CONCACAF, not South America’s CONMEBOL.

4^th place hosts 3^rd here.  If you happen to be familiar with South Africa, of all places, then you know the namesake province for which the host team is named.  Noob’s source doesn’t cite why it was named this, but directly implies that it is generally unknown today.

RESULT:   0-0

10. Hereafyee Halab vs. Majd – Syria Premier

7^th hosts 8^th place here.  Not bad for the home team, as this is their first year in Premier.  They are one of two teams from Aleppo.  Noob wonders if they are playing home games elsewhere, given the recent conflict there.

RESULT:   Herafyee   3-2

The world is full of soooo much footyball!   “10 to Track” is Noob’s grand effort to daily winnow out the chafe, give you a quick-hit source on which are the most important games to know about.

Two days of UEFA Champions League now largely give way to Europa League action (the first eight matches here).  Teams in this one are playing their sixth and final Group Stage games.  Top two sides advance to the Knockout Stage.

And remember- the overall winner gets a free pass to stink in their leagues this season if they want.  Auto-qualification to 2018 Champions League!

1. Slavia Prague vs. FC Astana

This one’s really important to the Group, but it may be a terrible spectacle.  Slavia Prague’s in 2^nd over Kazakhstan’s Astana by a point, so they’d treat a 0-0 draw the same as a 10-0 win.  They’ve only been averaging barely over one goal per match as it is!  The Czechs will proverbially take the air out of the ball.

RESULT:   Astana 0-1      FC Astana overtakes Slavia Prague for 2nd and advances!   

You’re making the soccer ball sad!

…and kind of nightmarish.

B.  Copenhagen vs. Sheriff Tiraspol

This Group is wide open – it’s madness!   Moldovan FC Sheriff leads, but they are not yet guaranteed even a top-two finish yet.  3^rd place Copenhagen is only three points back and seemingly owns some deep tiebreaker over the Danish side if they win.

This one may be another slog to watch live.  Copenhagen doesn’t exactly light things up on offense.  FC Sheriff has only given up two goals the entire group stage, bested only FC Salzburg in a different group.

RESULT:   Copenhagen   2-0      Copenhagen pulls even with Sheriff for 2nd place and advances on tiebreaker.

Waaaait a minute.  No-knees soccer is what’s madness.

 

3. Ziln vs. Lokomotiv Moscow

Lokomotiv Moscow is the team in 2^nd between the two clubs in Number B above.   They only need a draw to advance, as they own the tiebreaker over Copenhagen.

RESULT:   Lokomotiv   0-2       L. Moscow chugs on to the Knockout Round.

4. Red Star Belgrade vs. Cologne

No one can catch 1^st place Arsenal.  The Serbian side and Cologne are tied for 2^nd.  The Germans need a win to advance, as RSB has the tiebreaker in hand with an earlier Group Stage victory over them.  But RSB might need more than a draw because…

RESULT:   Red Star Belgrade   1-0       RSB passes Cologne on the tiebreaker.  But would that be good for 2nd and advance them to the Knockout Round, or would BATE Borisov pull of the upset in London and advance over both these clubs?

5. Arsenal vs. BATE Borisov

…if 4^th place BATE Borisov pulls off the upset, they pass both those chuckleheads!

Noob.  Noober!   The last place Belarussians can’t compete with mighty Arsenal.  Why bother Tracking this one?

Because, imaginary disembodied voice-friend en mi cabeza, Arsenal’s already wrapped up 1^st in this Group.  If you don’t think the Gunners might not be starting some combination of P.R. guys and towel boys in order to save their starters for Premier League play, you’re loco en SU…mi?…cabeza.

RESULT:   Arsenal   6-0       In a word, no.  Wow.

 

League tier-97 FC Metro Home Improvements players will get some surprising callups this week.

6. Marseille vs. Red Bull Salzburg

Salzburg has already won this Group.  2^nd place-Marseille only needs a draw today to advance over Konyaspor.   Noobstradamus’ unrivaled prognostication skills are not needed to say this one end 0-0.

RESULT:   0-0       In your….er, my? face!    Marseille survives to the next round.

 

I’m unneeded??

Just for that, Noobstradamus is picking Marseille 14-1.

7. Vitoria de Guimaraes vs. Konyaspor

But Noob’s still Tracking the Turks!   Because footyball be crazy sometimes.   Maybe Marseille insulted Salzburg this week, gave them some bulletin board material that will make them give a darn.  And you do NOT want to tick of Austrians hopped up on energy drink.

RESULT:   1-1

8. Zorya vs. Bilbao

The Ukrainians are in 2^nd place in this group.  All they need is a draw in order to advance over 3^rd place-Bilbao.

RESULT:   1-1       Zorya moves on to the Knockout Phase.

You know what??   Too many of these final Group Stage games feature at least one team that’s going to be happy to just kick the ball straight in air 300 times.  Some of these games are televised for goodness sake!

Noob demands a new rule be instituted!   No backing into the Knockout Round.  No matter the result, if you don’t score a goal – or heck, even just have at least x# of SHOTS on goal – in the last match, you go home.  Whoever you would’ve played in the Knockout Round can have a bye!

Calm down?

Hey, Tommy.  How are the interviews going for your next wife-to-be in whatever windowless Scientology room you reserved on Outlook?

9. Bolivar vs. The Strongest – Bolivia Premcier

And no, Noob will not quiet his soul!  I’ve gone off about The Strongest before, too, and nothing’s been done.   I don’t care if maybe the team name doesn’t translate quite right semantically into Amuricuhn.  It’s too alpha, it’s a douche bag move to keep that name.  Change it to even boring “La Paz FC”, anything!

Oh, and this is 1^st place vs. 2^nd.  Important match between two intracity rivals.

RESULT:   0-0

The Management here with a post script.  Noob doesn’t interweb well.  La Paz F.C. is already taken by a third-tier club.  Thank you for your attention. — The Management

And the crest is even wicked-cool.  Dayum.

10. Tanzania vs. Zanzibar – CECAFA Cup

Noob’s previously spelled out this event to its fuller name of “CECAFA Senior Challenge Cup”.  Thankfully, I’ve seen it done both ways on credible interwebs sites, so we’re going with the one that doesn’t make it sound like assisted living center wheelchair-footyball.

Zanzibar is part of Tanzania, yet have their team not acknowledged by FIFA.  Have to believe this is an intense rivalry.

RESULT:   Zanzibar   1-2

 

Fine.  Noob admits this dude would probably run circles around me on the pitch.

Oh no.  That got worse, didn’t it…

10 to Track – the ten most fabulous games for you and me, the newish American soccer fans.

Noob and Noobite we may be, but we’re ending up more soccer-knowledgeable in many regards than anyone else at the ol’ water cooler.

1. Liverpool vs. Spartak Moscow – UEFA Champions League

Liverpool leads this group, and has dominated on goal differential.  Somehow, they don’t even have a Knockout Round spot sewn up, let alone 1^st.  Sevilla trails them by just a point, and 3^rd place Spartak would even pass them on tiebreaker with a win here.  Looks like Noob warned the wrong team.  RESULT:   Liverpool   7-0

 

 

Liverpool, don’t be this baby.

B.  Maribor vs. Sevilla – UEFA Champions League

The class of Slovenia haven’t won a Group Stage match yet.   Sevilla advances (Spartak Moscow above is out of this same Group, to Europa).   RESULT:   1-1

3. Shakhtar Donetsk vs. Manchester City – UEFA Champions League

Man City ran away with this Group, 5-0-0.  The Ukrainians are in 2^nd, three points up on Napoli, yet still in precarious position.  Napoli has the head to head tiebreaker on them.  A loss here and a Napoli win in their last match, and they’re Europa League-bound.   This Group was Upsetville today!   The Ukrainians advance!  Not warlike, Noob mean’s to the next round.   RESULT:   Shakhtar   2-1

 

YOU tell the Ukrainians they’re probably headed to Europa.  Noob OUT.

4. Feyenoord Rotterdam vs. Napoli – UEFA Champions League

And Feyenoord hasn’t earned a single point yet.  Napoli will cruise.   Where was Noobstradamus when we needed him?   RESULT:   Feyenoord   2-1

5. Red Bull Leipzig vs. Besiktas – UEFA Champions League

Somebody might be getting ready to retire, having made enough Turkish lira betting on Besiktas winning this Group.  RB Leipzig is tied for 2^nd with FC Porto on points, but Porto owns the tiebreaker.   RESULT:   Besiktas   1-2

 

When did “wiings” for RB go to three i’s??

6. FC Porto vs. AS Monaco – UEFA Champions League

Unfortunately for Leipzig, AS Monaco’s been so hapless, they can’t even make 3^rd place and Europa League now.  They might start some fans and equipment guys for this match.   Well, something went to form today.   RESULT:   Porto   5-2

 

 

AS Monaco.

7. Al-Jazira vs. Auckland City – FIFA Club World Cup

What is this event?  The winner of each of the six continental football federations sends their champion into this fray.  The host country, U.A.E., also gets to send its top league champion.  South American teams tend to put emphasis on this event.  Europeans do not.

The host team for this first round are U.A.E.’s top league champion.  They play this one-off against the Oceania federation’s champ for the right to play…Noob-fave, Urawa!   The home team gets Tokyo-Jersey Shore’d next!   RESULT:   Al-Jazira   1-0

 

“I heard you say my team’s name!  Sitch is back.”

8. Blackpool vs. Mansfield Town – EFL Trophy

Reminder:  Not the FA Cup.  This is a Cup tournament for League Two and Three (third and fourth-tier) clubs, as well as youth teams of the top two leagues’ clubs.

This is a Second Round match, and a one-off.  Blackpool are having a very solid season in League One.  Mansfield is tearing it up in League Two.

Noob is quite drawn to the favored host team.  The tangerine kits for which the team is nicknamed are mesmerizing.   On, Tangerines!   RESULT:   Blackpool   1-1  /  4-3  pk

 

Hello, nightmare-fodder, how are you today?…

9. Budocnost Podgorica vs. Sutjeska – Montenegro First League

These two not finishing 2^nd and 1^st at season’s end would be a stunner.  They’re almost halfway through the season, and B.P. have half again as many wins as anyone else.  And Sutjeska is further ahead of B.P. than THAT.  This is the host’s big chance to start the unlikeliest of title pushes.   RESULT:   B.P.   3-1

10. Saprissa vs. Perez Zeladon – Costa Rica Premier

The Apertura postseason Quadrangular marches on!  The top four league teams are playing a double round robin to determine who will play the league #1 for the title.  They’re two games in, and these two are 1^st and 2^nd on that table.  They finished 2^nd and 4^th in-league respectively.   RESULT:   Saprissa   2-1

 

American composer Harry Partch’s quadrangularis reversum, his own invention.  Not related.  Noob don’t care 🙂

Relegation Monday saw a sweet upset by Spanish former last-placers Alaves!  Now, moving into the midweek means hot.  Cup.  ACTION.

Noob’s feeling very Champions League-y.  They’re playing the final games of the Group Stage.  Top two finishers from each group of four are moving on to  the Knockout Round.  3rd place teams get dropped into Europa League.  4th place shall weep endlessly for what was lost!

1. Manchester United vs. CSKA Moscow – UEFA Champions League

Man Utd. hasn’t mathematically guaranteed themselves advancement, but they’re advancing.  3^rd place CSKA Moscow would not only have to win, but make up an astounding nine in goal differential to jump to 1st.  More likely is that they could win or draw and get ahead of Basel for 2^nd, good enough to get into the Knockout Round.  So CSKA Moscow is heading down to Europa League.   RESULT:  Man Utd   2-1

Problem though…

B.  Benfica vs. Basel – UEFA Champions League

…is that Basel finishes up against point-less Benfica.  Basel and CSKA Moscow are tied on points, but Basel has the better tie-breaking GD.  Win and they’re in.   And Basel makes the Knockout Round!   RESULT:   Basel   0-2

3. Chelsea vs. Atletico Madrid – UEFA Champions League

Chelsea is moving into the Knockout Round no matter what, just a question of as 1^st or 2^nd in this Group.  Atletico is in 3^rd, two points behind AS Roma.  Atletico must win, and hope…

Chelsea finishes in a 1st place tie on points, but is 2nd on tiebreaker.   RESULT:   1-1

4. AS Roma vs. Qarabag – UEFA Champions League

…that Roma somehow craps the bed against 4^th place Qarabag.  Qarabag hasn’t been as woeful as Benfica, but their only Group points have come from two 1-1 draws.   While its Roma that won that tiebreaker!   RESULT:   Roma   1-0

The Roma supporters are under attack!!

5. Barcelona vs. Sporting CP – UEFA Champions League

Barcelona is advancing to the next Round as well.  Sporting CP is 3^rd, a point behind Juventus.  The Portuguese club has actually shown a bit of offensive pop, but Barcelona’s only given up one goal this whole Group Stage.

Sporting also faces a similar problem to what’s been scene in the subentries above, in that…

Barcelona wins their Group!   RESULT:   Barcelona   2-0

6. Olympiacos vs. Juventus – UEFA Champions League

…Juventus gets to finish up against winless Olympiacos.  If Juve somehow lose (and the road is never a breeze), then a Sporting draw would be enough to move them on.  Sporting has the GD tiebreaker.   Juve takes 2nd and advances!   RESULT:   0-2

Greece – doing it wrong.  Tourist – doing it wronger.

7. Yeovil Town vs. AFC Wimbledon – EFL Trophy

A reminder of what this event is:  a Cup tournament for League One and League two (third and fourth-tier leagues), plus the youth teams affiliated with the top two leagues’ clubs.

This is the Second Round, which is Knockout.  One game and done.   Neither of these clubs is having a good season in-league.  But Wimbledon is in League One compared to Two for the hosts, so even on the road it’s hard to pick against them.   The Noob-fave is victorious!   RESULT   Yeovil   2-0

8. Port Vale vs. Shrewsbury Town – EFL Trophy

These two are also in the fourth and third tiers respectively.  But Port Vale’s season has been steeped in suck, while Noob-fave Shrewsbury is cutting ‘em down in League One!

Longer-tenured Noobites will know why I have such adoration for the Shrews.   They’re town is where the vile traitor Henry “Hotspur” Percy met his much-deserved demise.  Hallowed ground!  (And so always remember to root against namesake Premier League club Tottenham Hotspur, friends.)   On, Shrews!   RESULT:   Shrewsbury   1-2

Die 1000 deaths, Hotspur!

9. Zanzibar vs. Rwanda – CECAFA Senior Challenge Cup

In case you missed the intro yesterday, this is a Cup tournament for teams from the central and eastern African association.  There are two Group, of five and four teams, and it’s all just getting started.

Noob finds this match interesting just because, as little as I know about African soccer, I know zilch about Zanzibar footyball.   They’re an island that’s actually part of Tanzania; not recognized at the international play-level by FIFA.   Noob mislisted the home and away.  RESULT:   Zanzibar   1-0

10. Kenya vs. Libya – CECAFA Senior Challenge Cup

Libya’s not a member of this organization, but they were invited in order to make this a nice, round nine-team event…

FIFA-ranked #111 vs. #77.  If you can pirate a stream somewhere of #9, then you have the interblag expertise to make it a double-feature two hours later and catch this one!   And if not, fear not.  Noob always updates the T2T’s with results.   RESULT:   0-0

Interblag expert

Think your Mondays suck?  Trying being one of the featured teams here that may soon get kicked out of their countries’ top leagues.

Most days of the week, Noob’s all about the ten most important matches from the lens of the newish American fan.  Monday’s run light on games pairing top-caliber sides.   So let’s shake hands with, get to know some clubs that may not be in our purview much longer!

First, let’s tackle a couple traditionally-worthy matches.

1. Slough Town vs. Rochdale – English FA Cup

The hosts are another of the Southern League Premier teams somehow still alive in this event.  The level-seveners see League One (tier three) Rochdale coming to call today.  This is the Second Round (Proper), and a one-off.

Slough is an exburb, about 20 miles west of central London.  Its name means “dirt” and it’s particularly crime-ridden.  Guys, maybe changing the awful name would be a start in the right direction.  Rochdale, you don’t get to weigh in.   Minnow down!   RESULT:   Rochdale   0-4

 

 

The English rip on Slough with Lion King memes?  Ummm…well-played?

B.  Uganda vs. Burundi – CECAFA Senior Challenge Cup

CECAFA is the Council for East and Central Africa Football Associations.  Noob’s not sure why there’s a subcontinental organization in addition to CAF (Confederation of African Football), but I’m down for more matches!

Nine teams are competing, including non-FIFA member Zanzibar.  This Group Stage match feature FIFA-ranked #74 versus #138.   RESULT:   0-0

And now, our Relegation Stars!

3. Girona vs. Alaves – Spanish Premier

Would someone please draw last-place Alaves directions to the opponent’s net?  They’ve scored all of seven goals in 13 matches.  Girona is in 12^th.

Alaves are the babazorros.  Zorro, means fox.  Noob’s not sure what the baba’s about.   It’s a Relegation Monday upset!   Alaves scores the tiebreaker in the 94′.   RESULT:   Alaves   2-3

 

 

Babazorro Albiazul – team mascot

 

 

 

4. Hellas Verona vs. Genoa – Italy Serie A

Noob wants to watch a match in Italia/ Gonna make my way to Stadio Bentegod-a/ B-e—n—t—a-goaad-ah./

Visiting Genoa’s in 16^th place/ While the home side are stuck down in the  Relegation Zone-ah/ Hellas Verona.

Hellas Veroohh-nahhhh!  Duhn duhduh dah dunh duhnduhn…. *guitar riff*

RESULT:   Genoa   0-1

5.  Estoril vs. Portimonense – Portuguese Liga

Fellow Relegation candidate Moreirense has one lone win to Estoril’s two, yet it’s the latter in last place.   No draws.  The visitors here aren’t even a .500 club, so perhaps this game is gettable for Estoril.

The town of Estoril lies with the town of Cascais.  Noob’s uncertain how exactly that works, but Cascais is sooooper ritzy.   RESULT:   0-0

6. Platanias vs. Atromitos – Greece Super League

When last we Tracked Platanias, they were in 15^th and lost 3-0 to league leader AEK Athens.  Things aren’t looking up for the boys in red this time either.  Now in their last place and get the league #4.

Platanias is the name of a resort village, 10 miles from the city of Chania, on Crete.   RESULT:   Atromitos   1-3

7. Poli Timisoara vs. Gaz Metan – Romania Liga I

Romania’s league is one of many that don’t Relegate teams right away after the regular season.   More than half the league moves into the Relegation Round to determine which two will get the boot.

Gaz Metan is in 12^th place, a fine example of eastern Euro suckitude.  Timisoara is only a couple notches better than them in the table.  “The Timisoara People” versus “The Black Wolves”.  Noob will pull for Gaz Metan just for having a better nickname.   RESULT:   1-1

8. Birmingham City vs. Wolverhampton Wanderers – English Championship League

ECL drops three teams into third-tier League one at season’s end.  Birmingham’s in a tie for the last spot to get Relegated, but they’ve played one less game than Bolton.  Sadly for them, Wolverhampton’s the league #1, so Noob doesn’t look for them to improve their outlook even at home.

Fun fact!   Birmingham City was founded 142 years ago, as “Small Health Alliance”.   RESULT:   Wolverhampton   0-1

 

 

Wait, shouldn’t that be in black and white?

9. Perugia vs. Ascoli – Italy Serie B

Acoli’s in last place in a league that Relegates a stunning four teams (of 22).  Still, hope is not lost.   They’re only four points shy of being clear of The Drop.  Perugia is a mid-pack team.  Ascoli’s nickname is “Woodpecker”, and seems to be singular.   RESULT:   Perugia   1-0

10. Santiago Wanderers vs. Temuco – Chile Premier

Temuco is in 8^th place.  So, Noob, that means you’re stating Wanders are a possible Relegation team?   They just WON the country’s FA Cup, so that’s crazytown!

Excellent observation, fake commentator.  And nice use of that faux compound adjective.  This league determines who gets Dropped by cumulative results from their last three tournaments (partial seasons), and Wanderers have stunk up the joint.  BUT!  Should they stay there, they’ll get to play a team from the division below them for the chance to remain Premier.