’10 to Track’ for midweek 1/16-18 — from FA Cup to the intern’s Swede fetish

Time to bear down on the ten most important games to follow, for us, the newish American soccer fans!

Relegation Monday was a rousing success for the underdogs, as three Drop Zone-sides found ways to win.  But now is the time of week for mostly Cup tournament action.

And to see how Noobstradamus, The Management, and Dan “the Intern-o Inferno” are faring in their Prognostication Challenge (*echo* challenge..challenge..)

Tuesday, 1/16

  1. Mansfield Town vs. Cardiff City – English FA Cup

Excellent League Two (fourth tier) Mansfield earned a 0-0 draw in the match in Cardiff.   So now they Replay it, but this time on their own pitch.  Cardiff is a top-notch EFL Championship (second-tier) club.

Fun Fact:  Mansfield’s Town was first “Mansfield Wesleyan”.  The church abandoned the team when they turned professional.

RESULT:   Cardiff   1-4

Image result for god hates soccer

 

 

Thou shalt NOT play for money.

B.  AS Monaco vs. Nice – Ligue 1

Nice isn’t bombing by any means, being in 6th.   But they’re 11 points out of even 4th place and a Europa League berth, so this match is all about Monaco.

The hosts are in second, but lead Lyon by only a single goal on differential, and Marseille by just one point in the table.  Nice can’t score, so Monaco should be fine.  For the moment.

RESULT:   2-2

Image result for French letter BVintage French painted metal marquee sign…

Number B!   

tres chic

  1. Zacatecas vs. Santos – Copa MX

This is the Clausura (“closing”) Copa.  Just as the Mexican season is divided into two halves, so there are two Copas. This is in the Group Stage.  The top two leagues’ teams are divided into Groups of three for a single Round Robin.  Winners of each advance.

Zacatecas is the only second-division team in their Group.  But the got a draw against Toluca in their first match, and Santos isn’t nearly as good.  Noobstradamus is calling this one for the host Miners.

RESULT:   Santos   0-1     Turns out the egg was on Noobstradamus’ face

Image result for noobstradamus

 

Yo pronostico juevos en mis pantalones.

 

Juevos por todas las personas.

  1. Club Brugge vs. Sporting Charleroi – Belgian FA Cup

It’s a shame these two are meeting in the Quarterfinals, given that they’re #1 and #2 in Belgium’s top league.  That said, Brugge will win.   They score half again as many goals as Charleroi, and boast the league’s second-best defense as well.

RESULT:   Brugge   5-1

Wednesday, 1/17

  1. Wigan Athletic vs. AFC Bournemouth – FA Cup

For those who love underdogs, Wigan is your team today.  They’re in 1st place In third-tier League One, kicking tail and taking names.

For Noob, it’s all about the Fighting Cherries.  Bournemouth are my first Adopted team.  They’re coming off a sweet upset of Arsenal a couple days ago.  Here’s to hoping that confidence carries over now.  They tied 2-2 in their first meeting, so this is another Replay.

RESULT:   Wigan   3-0     Sadness reigns!   Noob’s fave goes down

Image result for fighting cherries

 

Fighting cherries.  Right.

  1. Oldham Athletic vs. Leicester Academy – EFL Trophy

A reminder of what this event is:  While FA Cup, has hundreds of teams from many levels of English football, EFL Trophy is a tournament just for the third and fourth-tier leagues, plus the Youth teams of clubs from the top two leagues.

The winner here gets the last Quarterfinal slot.  Oldham play in third-tier League One, and are barely above the Relegation line there.  Noob would have no idea how to handicap them against a U21 squad, so we’ll all learn together, Noobites.

RESULT:   Oldham   4-2

  1. Dorados de Sinaloa vs. Monterrey – Copa MX

Dorados lost their first Group Stage match to a fellow Ascenso league side.  At home or not, Apertura Copa champion Monterrey are going to swallow them whole.

RESULT:   Monterrey   1-2     The Albiazules come back with goals at 75′ and 90′.

  1. Espanyol vs. Barcelona – Copa del Rey

Spain’s FA Cup is down to 16 teams.  Unlike a lot of these sorts of events, they’re play two-legged ties (two games) to determine who advances.

And so, good news, La Liga 14th-place Espanyol!  You’ve overachieved.  Bad news.  You drew league-undefeated Barcelona as your opponent.  Good luck with that.  Here’s creepy shite to help…

RESULT:   Espanyol   1-0      Holy mackerel!

Image result for good luck charm soccer

  1. Morocco vs. Guinea – African Nations Championship

You’ll find this event frequently abbreviated as “CHAN” many places, Noobites.  It’s early in its Group Stage.

This event is a tough one for Noob to handicap.  FIFA rankings for national teams just don’t seem likely to be applicable here.  Players are only eligible if they are both from and play in a league IN their respective countries.  No expatriates allowed.

RESULT:   Morocco   3-1

Thursday, 1/18

  1. South Africa vs. Sweden – women’s international friendly

Dan the Intern-o Inferno has made it clear to me he will always pick the lady Swedes in the ongoing Midweek Prognostication Challenge (*echo* challenge..challenge..) below.

Who can blame him for this bias?  They’re sure to be lovely, and they carry a superior FIFA ranking to that of the South Africans (who are also lovely and kick-ass Noob is certain).

RESULT:     ppd

**PROGNOSTICATION CHALLENGE**

(*echo* challenge..challenge..)

WEEK 3 PICKS

Dan the Intern-o Inferno:  Mansfield, Monaco (“you try living in a country the size of a thumbnail”), Sporting Charleroi, Santos, Wigan, Oldham, Espanyol, Guinea, Dorados, and (of course) Sweden

The Management:  Mansfield, Nice, Brugge, Zacatecas, Bournemouth, Leicester Academy, Espanyol, Morocco, Dorados, South Africa

Noobstradamus:  Cardiff, Monaco, Brugge, Zacatecas, Bournemouth, Oldham, Barcelona, Morocco, Monterrey, Sweden

–Every Midweek, we pick the 10 midweek Tracked matches.  Pick a winner, get a point.  Pick a predesignated heavy underdog, get two points. —

Week Two Results:    The Management = 3;  Dan = 7;  Noob = 7

OVERALL:   Dan = 11;  Noob = 10;  The Management = 7

’10 to Track’ for Relegation Monday, 1/15 – embrace the soccer desperation

*inhale*   Ahhhh, the sweet smell of desperation.  Teams trying to not get Relegated, sent down a league at their seasons’ ends.  Let the scent fill your nostrils, Noobites.   Like cilantro, you’ll never get rid of it.

The rest of the week, we mostly focus on the “ten most important games” from everywhere, for us- the newish American fans.  Mondays, we embrace the pain and get to know some teams that might be about to go bye-bye.

  1. Manchester United vs. Stoke City – English Premier League

Man Utd. is now is a three-way tie for second, though have played one less game than those others.  But this is Relegation Monday, and so let’s give Stoke City our attention and a big hug.  They’re in 17th place of 20, just below the Drop Line.

Fun Fact:  Their local rivals are Port Vale of fourth-tier League Two.  Their matches are called “The Potteries Derby”, named after the local industry.

RESULT:   Man Utd.   3-0

Image result for uncomfortable hug

 

 

 

Can he give any other kind?

B.  Estoril vs. FC Porto – Primeira Liga

Estoril is tied for last place in Portugal.  Even at home, their fortunes aren’t likely to improve as they host #2 and still undefeated Porto.

RESULT:   Estoril   1-0      It’s a Relegation Monday miracle!

Image result for numeral two funny

 

 

How long must we be tormented with whack-job #2’s??

Noob quests for the Number B.

  1. Moreirense vs. Vitoria de Setubal – Primeira Liga

It’s a Portuguese double dose!  Vitoria de Setubal only lead Estoril on goal differential.  At least they’ve got a realistic chance of a Relegation Monday win, as Moreirense is only one spot better in the table.

Moreirense can’t score, and Setubal can’t play defense.   Who will decide to suck less?

RESULT:   2-2

  1. Maccabi Haifa vs. Maccabi Tel Aviv – Ligat Haal

The bottom eight of Israel’s top-flight 14 teams play in a Relegation avoidance tournament at season’s end.  Maccabi Haifa is down in 10th, nine points away from the top six.  Still, they play better-than-average defense. 4th-place MTA doesn’t score that well for a top-half club.  And so…

Noobstradamus is calling this one for the home side!  “The Green Locomotive” shall prevail.

RESULT:   Tel Aviv   1-3

Image result for noobstradamus

 

 

What’s Hebrew for “chug-a chug-a CHOO CHOO”?

  1. Alki Oroklinis vs. Olympiakos Nicosia – Cypriot First Division

Cyprus’ top league sports 14 clubs.  The bottom two get automatically Relegated at season’s end.  The next six play in a Relegation avoidance tournament.  That is where we find these two currently, in 9th and 11th place.  O.N. gives up more than two goals per game, league-worst.

RESULT   1-1

  1. Gokulam vs. Churchill Brothers – I League

India’s worst two teams!   Only one will get Relegated, however.  Until the Bros. can win a match, that’s going to be them.

Maybe they should try the Indian national sport of kabaddi.

RESULT:   Churchill Bros.   2-3      Win!  That’s -1-.

  1. Njombe Miji vs. Kagera Sugar – Tanzania Premier

Njombe Miji needs a win just to pull into a tie with several other clubs for last team Relegated.   But who knows what they might do against 9th place Kagera.   Neither of these teams could find the back of the net if you gave them maps.

RESULT:   Njombe Miji   1-0     More Relegation Monday magic!

  1. Nigeria vs. Rwanda – African Nations Championship

Each national team in this tournament can only field players who are both from and play in a league based in each country.  It is held every other year, and only the top 16 teams are invited.  This one is being hosted by Morocco.

The teams are divided into four Groups for a single Round Robin.  The top two from each Group will advance to the Knockout Stage.  This is the first game for these two entrants.

RESULT:   Nigeria   3-0

Image result for african nations championship funny

 

Cheeseheads have nothing on this event’s fans.

  1. Libya vs. Equatorial Guinea – African Nations Championship

These two play in the same group as the teams above.  First game.

RESULT:   0-0

  1. Jordan vs. Denmark – international friendly

Denmark is tuning up for the World Cup.  Jordan…Noob’s not sure what Jordan is getting out of this.  They are #107 and #12 respectively.

RESULT:   3-2

Image result for best gifts from denmark

 

One possible answer:  the teams’ gift exchange

’10 to Track’ for wknd 1/13-14 – can anyone upset the leagues’ leaders?

Ah, the weekend!  Friday spanning the globe for hinterland-soccer is grand, but the weekend is about the Big Leagues.  The European ones are starting to really shake themselves out at about the 2/3 mark of their seasons.  If any teams have dreams of making a move, the time is now.

Let’s dig into the ten most important matches of the weekend, for us – the newish American soccer fans!

Saturday, 1/13

  1. Chelsea vs. Leicester City – English Premier League

Chelsea, you smell sensational!  No losses for Chelsea in their last six league matches.   They’re in 3rd, nicely set for a 2018 Champions League berth.

Leicester, on the other hand, has a funk about them after their mid-December loss to woeful Crystal Palace.  They’re stuck in 8th, not even a Europa League-slot.

RESULT:   0-0

Image result for stinky soccer

 

 

Not only this is a real DVD, but it must be in demand.  It’s nearly $30 compared to only $5 for the baseball version.

B.  Leon vs. Toluca – Liga MX

The Apertura (first half-season) 7th and 5th place teams face off.

And NO.  Noob will NOT stall his quest to rid ourselves of “number two” in lists.  Number B forever!!

RESULT:   Leon   3-1

Image result for numero dos funny

 

 

Admit it.   It’s subtly disturbing, even if you don’t know why.

  1. RB Leipzig vs. Schalke 04 – Bundesliga

Bayern Munich has a monster lead, but the other Champions and Europa League slots in the table are up for grabs!  Schalke holds 2nd by just a two-point lead over four teams.  Leipzig is one of those.

Based on goal differential, neither of these teams is really much better than average.  Noobstradamus is calling this one a 0-0 draw.  Leipzig aren’t going to Champions OR Europa League.  You read it here first, Noobites.

RESULT:   Leipzig   3-1    Fine, crapped the bed on this match.  Still say Leipzig will be home during Euro tourney season.

Image result for noobstradamus

 

 

A little more Red Bull and maybe my Forrest Whitaker-eye will fix itself…

  1. Real Madrid vs. Villareal – La Liga

Real seems to have fallen off some this year, though they’re still in 4th and in line for Spain’s last Champions League slot.  There’s a substantial gap between the top four and everyone else.  Villareal are in 6th, in line for a Europa League berth.

RESULT:   Villareal   0-1      Upset city!   Villareal now trail Real by just one point.

Braga vs. Benfica – Primeira Liga

Only the top two teams from Portugal make Champions League, and these two are currently on the outside looking in (4th and 3rd).  The top teams are all close in the table though.

RESULT:   Benfica   1-3

 

If you think Noob needs a reason, you don’t know Noob.  And you really should!

  1. T.N.S. vs. Bangor City – Welsh Premier League

The New Saints have started to run away with this league, just like last year.   Wales only receives one CL berth, so the race is on for 2nd and the Europa League.

Bangor City is in 3rd, just too points behind Connah’s Quay.   This won’t be the game where they make up ground.  Their defense can’t handle the hosts.

RESULT:  TNS   2-1

Honorable mention:  Chennaiyin vs. Pune City (2nd, 2rd, Indian Super League); Free State Stars vs. Cape Town City (3rd, 2nd, South Africa Premier)

Sunday, 1/14

  1. Liverpool vs. Manchester City – English Premier League

Liverpool just sold their megastar, so it will be interesting to see how they hold up against the league behemoth.  The sale is baffling soccerheads far and wide.  Liverpool are in 4th, clinging to a Champions League slot.

RESULT:   Liverpool   4-3     Man City’s first loss of the league season.  Now Liverpool is in a three-way tie for 2nd!  (Man Utd. has played one less game though.)

Image result for soccer head

 

 

Noob didn’t mean that literally.

  1. Birmingham City vs. Bristol City – Women’s Super League

These two are only in 9th and 7th place, but the league season is only a few games in.  Even with just one win, Birmingham appears to be the better team.   If they can get the first goal today, they will lay waste to “The Vixens”.

Note:  Noob’s aware of some of the connotations of “vixen”.  It’s their nickname.  I didn’t make it up.

RESULT:   Birmingham   2-0

  1. UNAM vs. Atlas – Liga MX

UNAM finished last for the Apertura, but it’s actually Veracruz who are in line to be Relegated.  Atlas finished 8th, barely sneaking into the postseason Liguilla.   This is likely to be a low-scoring game based on styles.  This should give the host “Cougars” a shot at home.

Please, enjoy this low-quality video of The Waterboy decimating opponents like the Louisiana Cougars.

RESULT:   UNAM   3-1    Perhaps no last place for  Pumas this time

  1. Nantes vs. Paris Saint-Germain – Ligue 1

PSG have opened up nine-point lead on the pack.  They suffered a quirky loss to Strasbourg a while back, and that’s their only league loss.  Nantes is in 5th, and not looking like a threat to get to 4th and the Europa League berth.  Can the Canaries get the upset and prove Noob wrong?

Honorbale mention:  Apollon Limassol vs. Anorthosis (3rd, 1st, Cypriot First Division); Be’er Sheva vs. Hapoel Haifa (1st, 3rd, Israeli Liga Haal)

’10 to Track’ for Friday, 1/12 — from Liga MX to…Myanmar??

TGIGF!    Noob always endeavors to Track with Noobites the ten most important soccer games from around the world.  On Fridays, our perspective – that of the newish American soccer fan – has to be broadened.

The “big” leagues are gearing up for their weekend slates.  But we never rest!  We start with locales more known, but then whisk away to all parts of the planet.  Come, it’s a footyball adventure.

  1. Bayer Leverkusen vs. Bayern Munich – Bundesliga

How dominant is Munich?   4th-place Leverkusen haven’t lost since September 20 and yet trail the league leaders by 13 points in the table.

This match is still really important despite Munich’s unstoppability.   Four teams get berths into the next Champions League, and Leverkusen is actually tied with two other teams for that last one.

RESULT:   Munich   1-3

Image result for unstoppable funny

 

 

But could Bayern contend with T-Rex with attached grabber-arms?

B.  Tijuana vs. Necaxa – Liga MX

Neither of these two made the league postseason Liguilla for the Apertura (first half).  They’ll both be looking to capitalize on not starting off the Clausura against a league powerhouse.   Based on recent results, this should be perhaps the closest Tracked match of the day.

RESULT:   Tijuana   1-0

Image result for get out number two funny

 

You creep Noob out, Number Two.   

Bring on Number B.

  1. Sheffield United vs. Sheffield Wednesday – EFL Championship

Noob’s been referring to this as the “English Championship League”, but this seems to be more correct for the second-tier league there.

7th vs. 16th might not always catch Noob’s wandering football eye, but intracity rivalries always have a certain cache.  Plus, 3rd through 6th place play off at season’s end to determine a team that gets promoted to Premier.

RESULT:   0-0

  1. Real Oviedo vs. Rayo Vallecano – Segunda B

In Spain’s second division, we get two teams that are vying to be promoted.  Just like in EFL Championship, the top two automatically move up, and the next four determine one more with a playoff.  These two are in 3rd and 5th respectively.

Fun Fact:  The city of Oviedo was featured in the Woody Allen movie “Vicki Cristina Barcelona”.

RESULT:   2-2      had the home and away sides turned around

Image result for cassandra's dream

 

Noob may stand alone, but Woody Allen’s worst received movie – “Cassandra’s Dream” – was his best.

  1. Fortuna Sittard vs. Jong Ajax – Eerste Divisie

Only one club in the Netherlands’ second division gets promoted to top-flight Eredivisie, and right now that’s Sittard.  By a point.  Ajax’s reserve squad is in 3rd, ineligible for promotion.

RESULT:   Sittard   2-1

  1. Al-Wasl vs. Al-Ain – Arabian Gulf League

Why U.A.E.?  One of the best leagues in the region.  And these two are tied for 1st place.

In addition to getting the best seeding of all teams entering the next AFC Champions League from this country, the winner will also make the next Club World Cup as the nation-host representative.

RESULT:   Al-Ain   1-3

Image result for uae funny

 

 

Why else U.A.E.?

  1. Al Ahed vs. Al Shabab Al Arabi – Lebanon Premier

Al Ahed only lead Al Nejmeh by a single point in the table for 1st place.  The defending champs should have little trouble against second-to-last place Shabab.

RESULT:   Al Ahed   1-0

  1. Senglea Athletic vs. Lija Athletic – Maltese Premier

These two were promoted from the second division last year.  Lija’s going right back down.  They get outscored by nearly a 3:1 pace.  Senglea’s only a few spots up the table, but clear of the Relegation Zone at least.

RESULT:   Senglea   2-0

Image result for you suck funny

  1. Zwekapin United vs. Shan United – Myanmar National League

Welcome to the Track, Myanmar!

The season is just getting going here.  Shan Utd. are the defending champions, while Zwekapin finished 8th last year.

Fun Fact:  Though it developed in Sri Lanka, the majority of Kayin State’s (where Zweakpin is) people are Theravada Buddhists.

RESULT:   0-0

  1. Al Ahli vs. Al Gharafa – Qatar Stars League

8th place hosts 6th here.

Fun Fact:  Al Ahli is one of eight teams from Doha, Qatar.  They only share their stadium, though, with one other top-flight team (Al-Sailiya).

RESULT:   Al Gharafa   1-2

Image result for camel racing qatar

 

Qatari camel racing at Al Shahniya.

Is making them try and beat cars fair?  Dammit, PETA!

’10 to Track’ for midweek 1/9-11 – Cups galore!

T2T, where our Cups runneth over for the Tuesday-Thursday edition.  Noob did sneak in one World Cup tuneup, but other than that its all Knockout action, baybeeee.

At bottom, also check out how The Management, Dan the Intern-0 Inferno, and Noob fared in week one of our Prognostication Challenge.

Tuesday, 1/9

Quick refresher on the three major Cup tournaments in England:

FA Cup – most prestigious, open to teams down to league pyramid level 20.  EFL Cup – second-most prestigious, open to top four leagues.  EFL Trophy – open to the third and fourth-tier leagues, plus youth teams affiliated with the top two leagues’ clubs

  1. Manchester City vs. Bristol City – EFL Cup

This event has reached its Semifinal Round.  This is the only round in which the teams will play two-legged ties.

Bristol City are in 4th in the second-tier Championship League.  Groovy Minnow Watch time!  But Man City lead the mighty Premier League and could put this away very early.

RESULT:   Man City   2-1      Bristol had a 1-0 lead, but Man City got the winning goal at 90′.

Image result for disco ball soccer ball

 

 

Groovy, baby.

B.  Yeovil Town vs. Forest Green Rovers – EFL Trophy

This tournament is in its Third Round (Round of 16).

Neither of these sides is having at all a good season in League Two.   Advantage here to the Noob-Adopted Yeovillians!   They have the better offense and, of course, get to play it at their place.

RESULT:   Yeovil Town   2-0

Image result for Forest Green letter B

 

Splendid number B’s in forest green

  1. Nice vs. AS Monaco – French League Cup

The Coupe de la Ligue has reached its Quarterfinals.  This is the French equivalent of England’s EFL Cup.

Nice is in 6th in Ligue 1, AS Monaco 2nd.  It’s a very top-heavy league.  Record and goal differential would indicate Nice aren’t even an average club really.  Still, when you get to host, all things are possible.

RESULT:   Monaco   1-2

  1. Leon vs. Venados – Copa MX (Clausura)

Mexico divides its 2017-18 season into two halves – Apertura and Clausura.  The latter is just beginning, for both league and Copa play.   Liga MX and second-tier Ascenso MX teams play the Copas.

Leon was a top-half team in Liga MX.  Venados, which were until recently FC Méridas, had a middling Clausura in the Ascenso League.

RESULT:   Leon 1-0

Image result for venados fc

Wednesday, 1/10

  1. Chelsea vs. Arsenal – EFL Cup

No Minnow action here.  Premier League #3 hosts #6 in a monster matchup.  Statistically, Arsenal don’t score or defend as well as any team above them in the table.  This was an unlucky draw for them, having to go on the road.

  1. Shrewsbury Town vs. Blackpool – EFL Trophy

Oh, Blackpool.  Noob loves loves LOVES your tangerine kits.

But this is Shrewsbury, fellas.   They are Adopted by Noob!   If ever an inglorious traitor like Harry “Hotspur” Percy is ever killed in your town, you will be treated in kind.

Image result for shrewsbury death hotspur painting

 

 

Shrewsbury is forever hallowed ground.

  1. Juarez vs. Lobos de la BUAP – Copa MX (Clausura)

Juarez won the Apertura title, and BUAP didn’t make much noise in Liga MX that session.  At home, the Ascenso hosts have a real shot at three points here.

  1. Caldas vs. Farense – Portugal FA Cup

The Taça de Portugal is in its Quarterfinal, and here we get double Minnow action!  Both sides are from the third- tier of Portuguese football.  Farense lead their division while Caldas are just having a “meh” kind of year.

Image result for meh

“Meh” since can’t tell if Panda’s martini is full or she’s down to the olive.

 

 

Thursday, 1/11

  1. Sweden vs. Denmark – international friendly

These two are FIFA-rated 18th and 12th respectively.  They’re likely both working out roster spots and keeping tuned up for next year’s World Cup.

Fun Fact:   This will be the first World Cup in which three Nordic teams have qualified for Group Stage.  (Iceland is in as well.)

  1. Sevilla vs. Cadiz – Copa del Rey

Sevilla won the first leg of this Round of 16 matchup 0-2.  Really not much hope for 2nd place, second-tier Cadiz.  Still, this match does represent the best chance for a non-La Liga team to break through.

Image result for cadiz fc

PROGNOSTICATION CHALLENGE

The Management, Dan the Intern-o Inferno, and Noob started this last week.  We will make picks for all T2T Midweek Edition matches, straight up.

Scoring:  One point for a correct pick, two if someone correctly pickes a designated big Underdog.  No points for incorrect picks or drawn games.

Week 1:  The Management and Dan -4.  Noob – 3

Noob’s lulling them into a false sense of security

Week 2 picks:

Noob:  Man City, Yeovil, AS Monaco, Leon, Chelsea, Shrewsbury, Juarez, Farense, Cadiz, Sweden

Dan:   Bristol, Forest Green (citing “cool factor”), Nice, Leon, Chelsea, Shrewsbury, Juarez, Caldas, Sweden (high taxes, beautiful women, and Nordic cold!  what more could you ask for?), Cadiz

The Management:  Man City, Yeovil, Nice, Leon, Arsenal, Blackpool, BUAP, Farense, Cadiz, Denmark

’10 to Track’ for Relegation Monday – 1/8

Ah, Relegation Monday.  A day to learn about teams facing demotion from their leagues.  Embrace their sadness, Noobites.  Get to know them before they fade away into the lower tiers.

But first, a couple games of more traditional importance!

  1. Brighton & Hove Albion vs. Crystal Palace – English FA Cup

Third Round.  B&H are having a sensational year for a team that was just promoted to Premier this season, 12th in the league table.  Though they have trouble on offense (17 goals in 22 games is all), a home match against their 14-place guests is quite doable.

RESULT:   B&H   2-1      Game-winner scored in the 87′

Image result for brighton & hove albion funny

 

 

B&H Seagull mascot in a smartly-slimming shirt

B.  El Zamalek vs. Al Ahly – Egyptian Premier League

This league sends two teams to the next African Champions League cup.  If tied for 4th-Zamalek harbors any hopes of getting one, this is nearly a must-win.  #2 Al Ahly has eight points up on them in the table, and sports the league’s best offense and defense.

RESULT:   Al Ahly   0-3

Image result for Egyptian B

 

 

Egyptian hieroglyphic number B.

  1. Málaga vs. Espanyol – La Liga

Málaga is 19th out of 20 Spanish teams, and this team demotes three clubs to Second Division at season’s end.  Any chance of escaping the Drop starts with home matches against subpar teams like 15th place Espanyol.  Neither of these clubs can score, but Málaga’s defense is almost nonexistent as well.

RESULT:   Espanyol   0-1

  1. Estoril vs. Feirense – Primeira Liga

Two teams will get the boot from this league, and Estoril is in second-to-last.  They have Portugal’s nearly worst offense and the very worst defense.  Still, Feirense is just up the table in 13th.  They can’t score either, but they don’t give up much either.

Fun Fact:   One doesn’t have to feel sorry for Estoril fans.  They are based in one of the very richest towns in the whole country.

RESULT:   Feirense   0-2

Image result for pity the rich

  1. Aris Limassol vs. Doxa Katakopia – Cypriot First Division

By keeping overall scoring low in their games, Aris has managed 7 draws in 17 games.  Unfortunately, combined with only one win, that leaves them in second-to-last, ripe for Relegation.  Doxa is in 6th.

Fun Fact:  Aris have their own choir.

RESULT:   Aris   1-0      It’s a Relegation Monday miracle!

  1. Liberia vs. Saprissa – Costa Rica Premier

Liberia finished the Apertura (first-half season) in last.  Saprissa is, in Noob’s humble opinion, one of the great North American clubs.  They finished 2nd.  Liberia would do well to lose even by just two, even at home.

RESULT:   Saprissa   0-3      (this game was played the day before)

Image result for saprissa

  1. Ironi Akko vs. Ashkelon – Ligat Haal

The bottom eight of 14 teams will play a Relegation avoidance tournament at season’s end here in Israel’s top-flite.  The home side is tied for last in the league, while the visitors are only a little higher at 11th.

Fun Fact:  Akko (also knows as “Acre”), is the holiest city in the world for those of the Bahá’í religion.

RESULT:   Ashkelon   0-1

  1. Churchill Brothers vs. East Bengal Club – Indian I League

The home team has yet to even achieve a draw, let alone a win (0-0-5).   “The Red Machine” will likely remain hurting today.  EBC is #1 in the league.

Fun Fact:   Churchill Bros. is owned by an alleged gold smuggler.

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for smuggling funny

 

 

This guy’s behind DVR’ed “Game of Thrones”, amazingly.

  1. Al-Hilal vs. Al-Ettifaq – Saudi Pro League

Cheat-game!  Ettifaq were in the bottom two when Noob was scouting for this post a few days ago.  Since then, they have climbed one spot in the standings and out of Relegation Zone by tiebreaker.  They will get gobsmacked by #1 Hilal.

RESULT:   1-1

  1. Ironi Eilat vs. Ironi Beit Shemesh – Liga Bet

Welcome to the T2T, Israel’s fourth–highest league!

Liga Bet is broken into several Divisions hosts #2 in this division.  The bottom two from each are automatically dropped into Liga Gimel.   Beit Shemesh is in last place, and Eilat is only four points up the table.

Fun Fact:  Shemesh was a Canaanite sun goddess.

RESULT:   Bnei Eilat   4-0

Image result for shemesh sun goddess

 

The goddess would never  ride cutie mark-less “blank flanks” in ancient My Little Pony.

’10 to Track’ for wknd 1/6-7 – and at last, ladies in the house

T2T always is at its pinnacle on the weekend.  The ten most important matches from around the world are of the highest quality these days.  If you like football and shiny things, welcome home.

Monday, 1/6

  1. Yeovil Town vs. Bradford City – English FA Cup

The Third Round Rolls on!  Noob’s selected this game out of many because the big fun of FA Cups is looking for Minnows.  These are teams from lower divisions of soccer making deep runs into tournaments.  It doesn’t hurt that Yeovil are an Adopted team of Noob’s, either.

Yeovil are having an abysmal year in fourth-tier League Two, but getting this far has to have them feeling mighty fine.  And they as good a draw as can be expected, getting to host a team only one division up the pyramid.  Bradford City are in 5th, and truth be told, the smart money is on them.

RESULT:   Yeovil   2-0   Upset City!

Image result for stupid money

 

 

 

Heath was arguably not as smart about money.

B.  Monterey vs. Morelia – Liga MX

The second-half season (Clausura) of Mexico’s top league is just beginning.  Monterrey won the first half (Apertura) regular season and the postseason tournament.   They start off here hosting 4th place Morelia.

Morelia are the Monarchs, and if there’s one thing Noob despises almost as much as clubs that name themselves “real” (royal) in nations that don’t have kings and queens, it’s ones named Monarchs.  Relocate to Spain, you cretinous yahoos!

RESULT:   1-1     Darn you, Monarchs!   They got the tying goal at 90′.

Image result for defile the letter B

 

 

And here Morelia lolls about, defiling the lovely number B!

  1. AS Roma vs. Atalanta – Serie A

Italy’s top-flight #4 hosts #9.   This game’s importance is more about Roma, as they occupy the last spot in the table which will receive a 2018 Champions League invite.   They’re only up on Lazio by two points.  The league’s best defense should be able to hold serve at home.

RESULT:   Atalanta   1-2      Upset City, part two!

  1. Atletico Madrid vs. Getafe – La Liga

Atletico isn’t likely to catch 1st place Barcelona or fall out of the all-important top four.  Getafe’s down in 8th, but have a better goal differential than the two teams ahead of them.   They could well make a move on a Europa League berth yet.

RESULT:   Atletico   2-0

Image result for getafe fc funny

 

Bet you anything the player back-left here’s jersey number is 212121.

 

 

Sunday, 1/7

  1. Newport County vs. Leeds United – English FA Cup

We’re back on Minnow Watch, Noobites!  Newport Country is a very good League Two side.  They’re probably overmatched by a very good division-two team here.  But Newport gets them at home, so there’s always a chance.

Fun Fact:  Newport County were known for a time as “The Exiles” for being forced to play away from their one-time home pitch on account of unpaid rent.

RESULT:   Newport   2-1

  1. Chelsea Ladies vs. Arsenal – Women’s Super League

Welcome to T2T, gals!   First-time coverage with Noob.  WSL is England’s top league in women’s football, and they’re just a few games into their season.

Chelsea are undefeated and in 2nd.  Based on goal differential, they and Manchester Utd. are easily the class of the league.  Arsenal are in 3rd.

Noobstradamus has had a vision of these women, predicts a 3-0 drubbing at the hands of the home team.

RESULT:   Chelsea   3-2     I had some estrogen in my third eye

Image result for Noobstradamus

 

 

You make the vision  sound a little pervy.  Rephrase?

 

  1. Toluca vs. Guadalajara – Liga MX

Today’s three Mexican offerings don’t look competitive on paper.  But here at Noob, we’ll never ignore our North American neighbors any day even one game is offered.

This one is most likely to see an upset though.  Toluca finished 5th in the Apertura to Guadalajara’s 13th.   Noob is partial to the visitors, as they are the Goats.   You never see Amuricuhn teams named Goats.

RESULT:   1-1

  1. FC Still 1930 vs. Troyes – Coupe de France

France’s FA Cup, and do we have a mighty Minnow chance here in the Round of 64!  FC Still is in the eighth tier of French soccer, fully amateur, taking on Ligue 1 Troyes.  Tier eight is so low, I couldn’t even find a league table online.

Good thing we have Dan the Intern-o Inferno at the ready.

RESULT:   Troyes   0-1

Image result for slacking at work

 

 

FC Still Sleeping

  1. Sporting CP vs. Maritimo – Primeira Liga

Portugal’s top league has lost a little of its luster in recent years, is now down to only getting two invites to Champions League.  2nd-place Sporting CP hasn’t lost yet, but neither have Porto, and one-loss Benfica is close behind.

Maritimo keeps scores low, gives themselves at least a puncher’s chance.

RESULT:   Sporting   5-0

  1. Anorthosis vs. AEK Larnaca – Cypriot First Division

2nd hosts 1st in a stronger league than perhaps Noob realized.   According to IFFHS (actual official world football stat nerds), Cyprus’ was the 16th-strongest league around as recently as a year ago.

Full disclosure though, these two teams have played a couple more games than some other teams just behind them in the standings.  Yet that makes this match all the more important.  These two both need three points to help withstand the coming charge, particularly from Apollon Limassol.

RESULT:   Anorthosis   3-1

Image result for official stat nerds

 

Urkel’s been out of the sun SO long getting his football stats on…

’10 to Track’ for 1/5 Globetrotting Friday! – and the return of the FA Cup

TGIGF!  Noob always delights in bringing the ten most important games for us – the newish American soccer fans – to Track and enjoy.  Friday’s, our compass gets a little wild though.

Since offering from the “big” leagues are lighter, we take advantage and trot the globe!   Soccers sights unseen and exotic locales await us.  But not before we start with some more familiar places.

  1. Liverpool vs. Everton – English FA Cup

The FA Cup is now in its Third Round.  And goodness has Everton run into the wrong team at the wrong time.  They’ve lost to Noob-fave yet struggling-Bournemouth and at home to Manchester Utd. in their last two.

Meanwhile, Liverpool haven’t lost a match since more than a week before Halloween.

RESULT:   Liverpool   2-1      Liverpool’s new defender – whom they’d just spent a record 75 million pounds on, scored the willing goal at 84′.

B.  Manchester United vs. Derby County – FA Cup

Speak of the Red Devils, and thus they appear in number B!

Man Utd. Gets to play host and villain to Championship League (tier two) Derby County.  The visiting Rams have won seven matches in a row, but that won’t mean much against the Premier side.

RESULT:   Man Utd.   2-0      Man Utd. dominated statistically, but didn’t get the first goal ’til 84′.

Image result for letter B funny

 

 

 

Oh, silly number B.

  1. Fiorentina vs. inter Milan – Serie A

Fiorentina is in 7th, just one spot in the table out of a Europa League berth.  At home, beating 3rd-place Inter wouldn’t be an absolute stunner.  But Noobstradamus is calling this one for “the Big Grass Snake”, 0-1.  The hosts just don’t have the offense to take down the very best.

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for noobstradamus

 

 

Noobstradamus also predicts someone will start a crowdfunding crusade to get that whorish broccoli some damn pants.

  1. Atlas vs. Leon – Liga MX

The Clausura is now beginning.  For newer Noobites, Liga MX divides its season into two parts.  The Apertura was the first half-season, and so now this is second-half.

This match pits last Apertura’s 8th and 7th-place teams against one another.  Atlas tries to button things down a little more than Atlas, so look for this to be settled with a single goal.

RESULT:   Leon   1-2

Image result for spanish lessons funny

 

 

 

No…

  1. Oman vs UAE – Arabian Gulf Cup

The Final!   It’s the end of the ride in Kuwait City.  UAE beat Oman 1-0 when they played in the Group Stage.  UAE carries the shinier FIFA ranking, but how does one pick against the Omani?  No one’s scored on them in regulation this entire tournament.

RESULT:   Oman   0-0 / 5-4 PK      Congrats to the Cup champions!

  1. Mumbai City vs. Jamshedpur – Indian Super League

5th hosts 6th place in one of India’s two top-flight leagues.

Jamshedpur is one of the two expansion teams this year.   And Noob is in love love love and doesn’t care who knows it!  Jaaayyyyummm.

Still, fellas, how about opening up the games a little?  They’ve given up and scored two goals all season is all.

RESULT:   2-2

Image result for this is my jam

  1. Dhaka Abahani vs. Sheik Jamal – Bangladesh Premirer

No matter where in the world, Noob is down with a #1-#2 matchup!

Fun Fact:  D.A. are the “Sky Blue Brigade”.   Note what’s missing from their crest.

RESULT:   Dhaka Abahani   2-0

Image result for dhaka abahani crest

  1. TAFIC vs. Extension Gunners – Botswana Premier

The hosts here are at the bottom of the league.  E.G. sits halfway up the table in 7th.

Fun Fact:  Francistown – home of TAFIC – is surrounded by old, abandoned gold mines.

RESULT:    ppd

Image result for mine Scooby Doo

 

 

But maybe not abandoned of MYSTERIES!

  1. Indera vs. Tebuan Muda – Brunei Super League

Indera are safely in 3rd place, with little real hope of climbing or fear of sinking in the table.   Things are tighter nearer the bottom, as T.M. is in a tie for 7th.

Fun Fact, if you like Scrabble: ‘Indera’ anagrams to RAINED and DENARI, a Macedonian currency unit (pl.).

RESULT:   Indera   3-0

  1. Jong Colombia vs. Hubentut Fortuna – Curaçao Sekshon Pagá

9th place hosts last in this top-flight, semi-pro league.

Fun Fact:  Curaçao are a member of CONCACAF (North and Central America plus Caribbean countries).  They’re barely off the coast of South America, so this seems at least a little odd.

RESULT:   Jong   2-0

Image result for geography is hard funny

 

Be gone, Gerry Butler! 

Don’t you have another bad rom-com to make instead of teaching geography?

UEFA Nations League explainer

This is a new tournament, largely replacing international friendlies in certain parts of the soccer calendar.  UEFA intends to hold this every other year.  All 55 national teams are participating.

The teams are divided into four leagues, based on rankings around the last World Cup.  The top dozen are in League A, the next 12 League B, and so on (though more than a dozen in C and D each).  The Leagues are in turn each divided into equal cross-section Groups of three or four.  In each Group, the teams will play home and away double round robins.

In League A, the four winners will have a Playoff to determine the event champion.  In the other leagues, the Group winners will have a Playoff as well.  The winners of all four Playoffs automatically qualify for the 2020 European Championships.

’10 to Track’ for midweek 1/2-4 – Premier League meets Thomas the Tank Engine-edition

The ten most important soccer matches of the midweek, they await us, Noobites!  We get a spicy mix of league and Cup matches, a Premier League team gets a new name, I scare my volunteer with a thinly-veiled maiming threat, and so much more..

NEW FEATURE:  Staff seer Noobstradamus – who may or may not be merely an alter ego of Noob’s – is challenging The Management and Dan-o “the Interno Inferno” to a contest of prognostication.

We’ll all pick winners and losers for all games except Monday’s.  We won’t pick draws, because Amuricuh!   One point is earned for getting a game right, two for picking a big underdog to win in games I’ll designate with a “u”.

Monday, 1/2

  1. Manchester City vs. Watford (u) – English Premier League

The City train just keeps rolling, seemingly unstoppable.   Noob’s Tracking them because there’s talk about this being a Greatest Ever-sort of team.  And they won’t be sleeping on 10th-place Watford, since they don’t have another League match for two weeks.

RESULT:   Man City   3-1

Image result for watford fc crest

 

Watford, your crest still looks like an upside-down PSA for reminding people to use a licensed doctor for vaginoplasty.

B.  Napoli vs. Atalanta (u) – Coppa Italia

Number B.!  Italy’s FA Cup has reached its Quarterfinals.

League #1 Napoli plays host.   They’ve won four matches in a row.  #9 Atalanta has been rolling for a while, but got ambushed at home by lowly Cagliari in their last match.  The winner will get league #2 Juventus in all likelihood.

RESULYT:   Atalanta   1-2    Noobstradamus succcess!  Not that, you know, I’m surprised or anything  *cough*

Image result for noobstradamus

 

Napoli is in a dogfight for the league lead.  They will let their focus slip today.  Atalanta shall win.  Noobstradamus has bespoken!

Bespake.  Bespeaked?    Blaargh.

 

  1. Iraq vs. U.A.E. – Arabian Gulf Cup

Reminder:  Seven Gulf area teams, plus Yemen.  These two both rate in the 70’s in FIFA rankings, should be the higher-quality of the Semifinals.

Iraq looks like the class of the field.  U.A.E. somehow finished 2nd in their Group scoring only one goal in the three games.  (They gave up none.)  The winner likely gets Oman in the Final.

RESULT:   U.A.E.   0-0  /  2-4  pk      The Emirates’ shutout streak continues.  On to the Final to face Oman.

Tuesday, 1/3

  1. Arsenal vs. Chelsea – English Premier League

This should be the match of the midweek!  Neither club has lost since early last month.

Chelsea is in 3rd.  Arsenal stands at 5th place, a guaranteed 2018 Europa League slot.  They’re well behind 4th-place Liverpool, but could use some space against hated rival and all-around scorned 6th-place Tottenham.

New Year’s resolution!   Noob will now regularly refer to accursed, named-for-a-traitor Tottenham more regularly as “Tottenham  Sir Topham Hatt Hotspur”.

RESULT:   2-2

Image result for sir topham hatt thomas the tank engine

 

He’s a much more palatable figure than dastardly Henry “Hotspur” Percy.

 

 

Hello, Noobites- The Management here.  The Management would like to apologize for Noob’s incessant ranting on this topic.  He’s had his head med upped recently, but the hoped-for effect can take weeks to show up.  Thank you for your time and patience. – The Management.

Hey, The Management.  Noob doesn’t remember signing away his HIPAA privacy rights.  But let’s move on.

  1. Sydney FC vs. Newcastle Jets – Australian A-League

#1 vs. #2!   Noob’s always down for it.   Even if barely more than a dozen games into the league season Sydney is up eight points on Newcastle, who are in turn up seven on 3rd place.

These are the only two finishing positions that are AFC Champions League slots.  Sydney leads the league in scoring and defense.

RESULT:   2-2      Sydney salvages a point with a goal in the 87′

  1. Formentera (u) vs. Alavés – Copa del Rey (Spain FA Cup)

This is the Round of 16.  Unlike with many FA Cups, teams here play two-legged ties (two-match series).

Formentera is our pececillo – Minnow.   They’re a so-so third-tier team that have made it a long way.   Their guests are a poor La Liga team, and they’ve already beaten much better Atletico Bilbao.  Noob’s got a thing for island teams, and Formentera are based in the Balearics.  Gofightwin!

RESULT:   Alavés   1-3

Image result for formentera

 

Someday Noob’s ashes will be scattered in that lagoon.  Heaven.

  1. Juventus vs. Torino (u) – Coppa Italia

This is not the Quarterfinal matchup league 10th-place Torino was hoping for.  They’re defense is pretty suspect, and Juventus are the goal-scoring monster of Serie A.

  1. Benfica vs. Sporting CP – Primeira Liga

Porto leads Portugal’s top league, but Sporting Lisbon is tied with them.  Benfica is close behind in 3rd.  This league only gets to Champions League spots this year.  Torcida importante!

RESULT:   Juve   2-0

        Um, Mr. Noob, sir?   I don’t mean to interrupt.

Yet here you are, doing just that, Dan-o the Intern-o Inferno.

        Are you trying to write “important match” in Portuguese?  

I’m not “trying”.  I did.

        Er, that’s actually “important candle-wick”.

I once took a man’s eyeball out with a mellonballer.

        Right.  Carry on!

  1. Apollon Limassol vs. AEK Limassol – Cypriot First Division

The battle for Cyprus’ second-largest city is ON.  Intracity rivalries reign supreme for Noob!

3rd hosts 5th place here.  The top six will have a postseason tournament for the league title and Champions League berth.   Apollon are the best team in the league and are undefeated.  They’ve played three fewer league games than the others because of their international competition play.

RESULT:   1-1

Wednesday, 1/4

  1. Tottenham   Sir Topham Hatt Hotpsur vs. West Ham United (u) – English Premier League

Sir Topham Hatt is in 6th place.   Feels good to use the new moniker in a sentence.  Not that Noob’s bile and vitriol for the Traitorous Ones will ever diminish!   But it is nicer.

West Ham suck out loud and need to knock that crap off, get the big upset here.

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for misplaced anger funny

Prognistication Challenge

Noobstradamus:   Man City, Atalanta, Iraq, Arsenal, Sydney,  Formentera, Juventus, Benfica, Apollon, West Ham

The Management:   Watford, Atalanta, Iraq, Chelsea, Newcastle, Alavés, Torino, Benfica, AEK Limassol, West Ham

Dan the Interno Inferno:   Man City, Atalanta, I-Rock (the name is sheer bravado), Arsenal, Alaves, Sydney (“the thunder from down under”)*, Apollon, Torino, Benfica,  “I -Tottenham- some good learnins’ so they’d better score some of them goals -Hotspur-“.

*Noob points out the intern unintentional comedy:   1)  “thunder from down under” could, of course, refer to either or any Australian team, and B) would be less likely to refer to Sydney FC since they are nicknamed the “Sky Blues”.   🙂   (Now watch him win.)