Category: 10 to Track

UEFA World Cup qualifying is in it’s Second (and final) Round.   UEFA has four World Cup slots left to fill, and they’re down to eight teams.  Teams in this round were eight out of nine best 2^nd place finishers in their Groups during the Group Stage.

The seeding draw for this round was -not- based on their records in that Group Stage.  Instead, UEFA uses a ranking system that is broader.   The top four ranked teams were placed in one Pot, lesser four in the other Pot.   Now each pair of teams matched will play a two-legged tie (two matches, home and away).

1. Northern Ireland vs. Switzerland – UEFA WCQ

UEFA-ranked #23 vs. #11.   Based on how they did in the Group Stage, it’s advantage Swiss.   They played equally on defense, but scored a full goal more per game.   RESULT:   Switzerland  0-1

B.  Croatia vs. Greece – UEFA WCQ

#18 plays host to #47 in this first leg.  Greece is the lowest-ranked team left alive.  Yet based on the Group Stage results, this seems like a very even matchup.

Noobstraamus has had a vision for this match.   He saw the rotting Python slain by Apollo.   The sickly-sweet smell was overwhelming.   The snake started to wriggle, then writhe in a gale force wind!   The serpent was blown into a spinning circle in the clouds, and the circle exploded!   In it’s place, the shining form of yogurt-gorging John Stamos.

“I’m the new Oracle of Delphi”, he explained, Dannon Oikos dripping form his perfect chin.   “Greeks and Greek stuff are good.”   Noob fail!   More, Stamos-as-Oracle fail.  On so many levels.   RESULT:   Croatia 4-1

 

  Fine, John…um….1-3 Greece victory predicted – just cover up that ghastly void, for the love of Noob!

3. LSK Kvinner vs. Manchester City – UEFA Women’s Champions League

They’re down to the Round of 16.  The host is Lillestrom women’s team (Norway).  They’re playing two-legged ties.

Based on Women’s Cup rankings (thank you, Eurotopfoot.com), #40 is hosting #19.   Noob is not convinced there’s much parity on the women’s side of football, so this feels like a substantial gulf.  Looking forward to event results, seeing if I’m right.   Right.  *nod*    RESULT:   Man City   0-5

  Substantially bad “gulf” joke!   I blame Staffer Dan-o.

  Now where did that naughty Staffer Dan-o go….

4. Stjarnan vs. Slavia Prague – UEFA Women’s Champions League

#39 hosts #12 here.  The home Icelanders went undefeated in the Group Stage, and beat their Russian foe handily in the Round of 32.   S.P. qualified to enter the competition at the Round of 32, dismantled the Belarussian side.   RESULT:   Prague   1-2

5. Canada vs. U.S.A. – women’s friendly

Wouldn’t anything involving Canadians be friendly?   RESULT   1-1

6. Monterrey vs. Santos – Liga MX

Monterrey has won four matches in a row, between Liga and Copa, until losing to lowly BUAP on the road.  They should be anxious to set things right, as UANL has nearly chased them down for the #1 seed in the upcoming Liguilla.    RESULT:   1-1

7. Scotland vs. Netherlands – international friendly

Perhaps this is a literal consolation match for teams that nearly and should’ve qualified for the World Cup and didn’t.   And still more Scottish sadness.   RESULT:   Netherlands   0-1

  Sorry, sweet red-headed Scottish girl.  But the X means you’re out.

8. Finland vs. Estonia – international friendly

         RESULT:   Finland   3-0   

   1)  No it isn’t.    2)  Language, goodman!   3)  It’s your haircut, not the game that matches that descriptor.

   9.  Luxembourg vs. Hungary – international friendly

Luxembourg actually won a game in the Group Stage of UEFA WCQ.  Not bad, given that it’s only about the size of Rhode Island.   Hail, fighting…Luxems!   RESULT:   Luxembourg   2-1

10. Iran vs. Panama – international friendly

To gives one an idea of how the federations stack up, this is FIFA-ranked #34 vs. #49.  This game was actually in Pamama.   RESULT:   Iran   1-2

1. Carlisle United vs. Fleetwood Town – EFL Trophy

Noob hates typing these words, but Fleetwood Town has already qualified to advance.  This is the last game for this Group.  Carlisle needs to win, it appears, as they are down a point and the tiebreaker to Leicester City’s youth squad.

Carlisle Utd has a tradition dating back to the 1970’s of the mascot carrying a stuffed foxed named Olga onto the pitch before games.  Noob’s emotions are really going back and forth on this one.  But if that’s what needs to happen to take down accursed Fleetwood Town, then so be it!  (If you’re brand new, refer to yesterday’s T2T.  The rant exhausted Noob.)   RESULT:   Fleetwood   1-2

  Noob honestly thought it was going to be a stuffed TOY fox.   That thing’s heinous!

B.  Bury vs. Stoke City U21 – EFL Trophy

If either can get a win here, that team will pass 2^nd place Blackburn Rovers and move on to the next round.  Rovers appear to own the tiebreaker of 3^rd place Bury, so a draw today isn’t enough.

Bury is a town of 75,000 or so, in the north-central part of Greater Manchester.  They play in League One and are known as The Shakers.  The origin of the nickname dates all the way back to 1892 when the head coach referred to them as such in a pre-game speech.   RESULT:   Bury   3-1

  Whitehead Clock Tower, Bury

3. Bristol Rovers vs. Swindon Town – EFL Trophy

These two are tied for 2^nd and 3^rd in the Group.  This, too, is the last Group game.  Winner advances.  Bristol seems to have the tiebreaker on Swindon, so even a tie is enough for these Rovers.

One of Bristol’s nicknames is “The Gas”, because of a gasworks near where they used to play.  It was an intracity rival that demeaningly gave them the name, but the club embraced it.   RESULT:   Swindon   2-4

4. Pachuca vs. Tijuana – Copa MX

This is the last quarterfinal of the Apertura Copa, with two so-so top-league teams facing off.  The winner gets Ascenso side Atlante, which advanced last round yet again on penalty kicks.  Tijuana seems to play a more open, aggressive game on the road , so this one should be entertaining.   RESULT:   Pachuca   4-0

  Noob doesn’t get it, but pleeease be the halftime show.

5. Atletico Junior vs. Independiente Medellin – Copa Colombia

It’s the second leg of the final!  Junior got the draw on the road in the first game, 1-1.  These two just about couldn’t be more evenly matched.  They’re 3^rd and 1^st place respectively in their league.   Hail to the victors!!   Athletico Junior is your 2017 Copa champion, 3-1 on aggregate.   RESULT   A.Junior   2-0

6. Zamora vs. Mineros de Guayana – Copa Venezuela

This is the Final as well!  First leg being played here though.  Zamora’s in 2^nd in league, while MdG is struggling in 8^th.

Zamora is actually based in a town called Barinas.   The club are known as “Las Llaneras” – The Plainsmen.   RESULT:   1-1

   Booooooring lack of color.  KILLER ‘stache silhouette

7. Olimpia vs. Marathon – Honduras Premier

These two are tied for 2^nd, trailing CD Motagua by two points.  Olimpia has given away -1- goal at home all season.  The next-best defensive teams have given up six.  Marathon doesn’t score a ton, looks to be in trouble here.   PPD

8. Iceland vs. Czech Republic – international friendly

Iceland are still reveling in their success at UEFA World Cup qualification, winning their group!   The Czechs finished 3^rd in theirs.   RESULT:   Czech Rep.   1-2

  And doing their reveling inside a GLACIER

9. Congo vs. Benin – international friendly

Benin rates better internationally, yet didn’t make the Group Stage for CAF World Cup qualification.  Congo did, but finished last in their Group.   RESULT:   1-1

10. North East Stars vs. Club Sando – TT Pro League

OK, Trinidad and Tobagos’s national team helped keep the U.S. out of the World Cup at CONCACAF qualification.  Noob has already swallowed the bitter pill, feels just fine about going to this less-heralded league for Tracking on a somewhat light Wednesday.

These two are in 1^st and 3^rd place respectively.  North East Stars are based in the borough of Arima.  The club is nicknamed the “Sangria Grande Boys”, named after the town in which they play.   Now slated for 11/25

  Love love LOVE the red-gold fade work here.

A reminder of what we have with EFL Trophy – the third-most prestigious Cup tournament in England.  It’s for League One and League Two (tiers three and four) teams, plus youth academy teams tied to Premiere and Championship League (tiers one and two) clubs.

It’s at the end of the Group Stage now.  Top two from each Group of four move on.  The first eight games listed today are from this event.

1. Oldham Athletic vs. Newcastle U21

2^nd in this Group hosts 3^rd.  Neither of them is guaranteed to advance, nor is #1 League Two side Port Vale.  It’s that tight.  Oldham is the favorite in this pod as a League one team.

Oldham is in the Greater Manchester area, a residential town of over a quarter million.  Formerly a textile manufacturing center, it’s now a hub of higher ed and performing arts.

B.  Wigan Athletic vs. Accrington Stanley

It’s another 2-3 matchup, and the home team must be favored, being from the higher league (One vs. Two).  Blackpool is in first and is already qualified for the next round.

Wigan, too, is in Greater Manchester.   One of the favorite songs for supporters there to see is “We Built This City”, famously done by Starship.  This song is purely evil.  Noob will hold no love – NONE! – for people with such a liking for such an awful track.  Go, “Accy Stanley”!

  And neck-deep in the worst song ever

3. Rochdale vs. Blackburn Rovers

These are the top two in their group, but they only lead last place Stoke City’s kiddie team by two points.  That’s really incredible for the youngsters, since all three teams they’ve played here are League One.

How many teams are there in Greater Manchester?   Rochdale is a city of 200,000 and change in the northeast part of the metro.   Their crest has many lovely martels on it, and Noob finds black and blue colors underused in combination.  They will be lucky to get a win against the Rovers, even at home.

4. Shrewsbury Town vs. Walsall

Shrewbury’s qualified to the next round, and Noob couldn’t be more excited for them.  After all, Shrewsbury is the site of the death of the traitorous Harry “Hotspur” Percy!  Noob has no truck with Tottenham.  Zero.

A win and fellow League One side Walsall is in.  A tie may be enough.  It’s not clear to me what the tiebreaker is.

   Hallowed ground

5. Coventry City vs. West Bromwich U21

That brings us to event defending champion Coventry City.  They were demoted to League Two last year.  A win for them plus a Walsall loss would see them advance.  A CC win and Walsall tie appears to leave them out, though again, the tiebreaker seems unclear.

6. Charlton Atheltic vs. Portsmouth

The home “Addicks” are back on our Track!  11/1 we followed as they beat the Fulham academy side 2-1.  The likely-named-for-haddock-boys have qualified for the Knockout stage already.  Porstmouth is in the same position in this Group as Walsall was as described above.

  Haddock Sweet Potato Gratin

7. Southend United vs. Colchester United

Last we Tracked Colchester, they were losing to Group 1^st place side Gillingham.  They’re in 3^rd now.  Win, though, and they move on.  2^nd place Southend only needs a draw.  How aggressively Southend will play is an interesting question.  The Shrimpers only need that draw, but Colchester is their fiercest rival, both being from County Essex.

8. Oxford United vs. Milton Keynes Don

It’s so fun to see non-Premiere teams make repeated appearances on Noob!   MDK just gave a spanking to eighth-tier Hyde United in the First Round Proper of the FA Cup days ago.  They get a far tougher opponent here with Oxford United, who are six spots ahead of them in the League One standings.

Oxford counts among its celebrity supporters one Richard Branson.

  And protesters of his Seaworld connections are glad he seemingly hasn’t pushed for a mascot change to “The Captive Marine Life”.

9. Cibalia vs. NK Istra 1961 – Croatian FA Cup

It’s the Round of 16 in this one-off knockout national tournament.  These two are in 8^th and 9^th respectively in the top Croat league.

Vinkovci – Cibalia’s town – had an interesting little discovery made just a few years ago.   Nearly -80 lbs.- of ancient Roman silver plate was unearthed, and has been named perhaps the greatest archaeological find in the nation’s history.

  Those look like decanters.  Did every ancient  Roman get one at a place setting?

10. Saudi Arabia vs. Latvia – international friendly

Just not a pair of countries one is used to seeing named together.  How did they even know each other?  Why with one another and not more local teams?  Does FIFA do the match-making?  Is there even a joke about, say, ‘a Saudi and a Latvian walking into a bar’?

   Why is the Danish kid so angry?   Has he even read FIFA’s mission statement?  Will Noob’s question mark-key ever wear out?  Wait, is that blood on his face??

Friday’s are light on “important” games.   Rather than put lipstick on pigs and pitch you mid-standings humdrum matches, Noob just goes all in and makes out with porkers!

All but the first game listed today involves at least one team that’s in a Relegation slot in its league standings, meaning the bottom.  It will get dropped a league down if it finishes the season there.  Pucker up.

*squeeeeeeal*   Quit running away, you luscious baconaminals!

1. Chorley vs. Fleetwood Town – FA Cup

Chorley is from the Northern League, sixth tier.  They’re the Magpies.  Big underdog (“minnow”) likely to not get far.  Blah blah blah.   To the real issue:

Noob will NEVER have anything but bile and vitriol for Fleetwood Town!  I know they’re not from the actual town of Fleetwood in western England and Fleetwood Mac is from London.  Noob does not care.   Stevie Nicks is the Ethyl Merman of bad British blues rock.  Take that old lady-vibrato and stow it, tuna lips!   Soccer gods, you flail Noob’s soul!   RESULT:   Fleetwood   1-2

Want a better musical “Fleet”.  Try this sweet cut from Fleet Foxes.

B.  Bali United vs. Makassar – Indonesia Super League

2^nd hosts 3^rd here.  There are just two games to go for the top four teams in this league, with almost no separation between them.

Why do we care about a league like this?   Noob cracks a lot.   Writes ‘Muriuch’ for fun occasionally.  But we are citizens of the world, and Noob and Noobites though we may be,  we will know global soccer!

Plus, this league is pretty interesting in that the 2015 season got abandoned halfway through because of FIFA sanctions.  They played last year, but FIFA didn’t even officially recognize the league.  Noob embraces you upon your return like an un-lipstick-ed pig on a Relegation Monday.

C’mon, don’t you squeal and run, too!   Had the home and away sides flipped here.   RESULT:   Bali   0-1

3. Juventus Bucharesti vs. Poli Timosoara – Romania Liga I

A mess of teams compete in a mini-tournament to avoid Relegation at regular season’s end here.  That gives J.B. hope, if not lots.   They just can’t score.  Timosoara is a mid-pack team that can’t play defense.  Which team will stop sucking less first?   J.B still in last.   RESULT:   1-1

   Please suck less than these weirdos

4. Arsenal de Sarandi vs. Tigre – Superliga Argentina

We’ve visited The Arse (actual nickname) before.  The trouble for them is this league uses three seasons of suckitude to determine who they lose like bad habits.  So even if The Viaduct Men (other actual nickname) make a run and get out of last place this season, they’re going away.   RESULT:   0-0

  Now THAT sucks less

5. Libertad vs. Trinidense – Paraguay Premier

Rinse and repeat with Trinidense.  They hail from Asuncion, from a barrio called Santisima Trinidad.  What’s funny here is that two teams get dropped each year from this league.  The other likely to get the boot?  Their intra-barrio rivals, Rubio Nu.   Don’t drink the water there, football hopefuls.   Suckcess!   RESULT:   Trinidense   0-1

6. Luverdense vs. Internacional – Brazil Serie B

Good news, Luverdense!   You’re only in fourth-to-last place, the last Relegation slot in your leg.  There are three teams ahead of you by three points or less.   The bad news:  Your visitors today are #1 in the league.  Oh, and your nickname “Big Green of Central-West” sort of stinks.   They’re clear of the Drop Line!   RESULT:   2-2

7. Deportivo Riestra vs. Villa Dalmine – Argentina National B

Now here’s an interesting case.  The hosts here are in danger of The Drop, but not for their performance.   They’d be tied in the middle of the standings with bunch of other clubs if they hadn’t been docked -20 points- for some sort of incident against current third-tier team Communicaciones.

Noob’s interwebs skills didn’t produce a quick explanation.  I’ll get Staffer Dan-o on the case.   RESULT:   1-1

  Awww, he’s sweepeeee.   Maybe later, Dan-o.

8. Ah-Ahli Atbara vs. Al Ahli Wad Medani – Sudan Premier

Sudan – don’t you quit on it!   They play Mondays and Fridays and will forever hold a special place in Noob’s heart for filling space on odd weekdays.   Atbara, you may be in last, but I’m down with your solid crest.   PPD, no make-up date announced

     Noob’s just glad it’s a black bird other than a magpie.  We see a LOT of those for some reason.

9. Juventud TL vs. Nacional – Aruba Division di Honor

The home side is in last place, but they’ve only played two games.  Most of the league has played four matches already.  The TL is for the village of Tanki Leendert.   RESULT:   1-1

10. Hapoel Marmorek vs. Ironi Nesher – Israeli Leumit League

14^th hosts 15^th.  Not good when your second-tier league is only 16 teams deep.  This is another league where about half the teams compete in a Relegation avoidance mini-tournament at season’s end.

The hosts are known as “the yemenis”.  Reeeeally weird to Noob, given that Israeli passport holders can’t even enter Yemen by their own law.

Maybe the term means something other than the national identity?  More interblag research for Staffer Dan-o to do.   Marmorek climbs to 11th, but still in Relegation avoidance zone.  RESULT:   Marmorek   1-0

   You’re not fooling Noob anymore, Staffer Dan-o!

1. Portland Timbers vs. Houston Dynamo – MLS playoffs

#4 Houston, you dastardly Swamp City, when will you bow out?  The Dynamo only got one win on the road all regular season long, though a crap-ton of draws.  #1 seeded Portland may be, but how much did that really mean in the super-tight West?  The first leg went 0-0.   Apparently home field didn’t mean enough.  Fie on you, Swamp City!   RESULT:   Houston   1-2,   advances to next round

For the record:  Noob had a devil of a time deciding which games to include and not for today.  There are -two- other MLS playoff matches today.  Portland/Houston looks to be the most competitive one.  Noob looks to America first, then outward.  But I will never be jingoistic with our lens.  Noob will filter.

B.  San Francisco Deltas vs. North Carolina FC – NASL playoffs

Miami and NY Cosmos are playing in the other semifinal, but this one looks better on paper.  #2 vs #3 seeds here in what should be a sweet matchup.

Noobstradamus did not have a vision regarding this game.  But an odd fellow named Frank -did- tell me on the street that this one would go to penalty kicks before the Deltas came out on top.  He didn’t seem credible or trustworthy.  But he -was- eating a mission-style burrito, standing up, without getting any of it on his ‘Loved to Death” t-shirt.  SF shall win!   Thanks, Frank!   Deltas get pk-upset winner NY Cosmos in the Final.   RESULT:   SF   1-0

  Keep it weird – and unmessed! – San Francisco

3. Chelsea vs. Manchester United – English Premiere

If they want to repeat as champs, 4^th place Chelsea have to claw over the two Manchester sides.  Here’s one you have to win as the Blues when you’re nine points out of 1^st.   Noob thinks home field advantage today only makes this match an even one.  Tottenham and Man City also won, Top four remain the same.   RESULT:   Chelsea   0-1

4. Dartford vs. Swindon Town – English FA Cup

Minnow alert!  Dartford comes out of the sixth-tier Southern League, which they currently lead.  Swindon is from fourth-tier League Two, so if they win 2-3 matches, they’ll carry a minnow-mantle as well.

Dartford is in County Kent, in the far southeast of England.  It is mainly a commuter town for London now, but at nearly 20 miles distance may not necessarily be considered a true part of that metro.  They are – understandably, if uncreatively – known as The Darts.   Aaaaand the minnow gets flushed.   RESULT:   Swindon   1-5

  But y’all sure went the other way with that hot mess of a crest!

5. Dundalk vs. Cork City – FAI Cup Final (Ireland)

It’s the Final that was destined.   Cork City was dominant the first ¾ of the league season.  Dundalk’s been the only team truly flirting with even possibly catching them.   The face off in Dublin for their nation’s FA Cup!  The Rebel Army wins the Cup!   AND they’re supporter-owner, Noob just learned.   Adoption under consideration!   RESULT:   Cork City   1-1 / 5-3 pk

6. FC Basel vs. Young Boys Bern – Swiss Super League

Noob’s adding more of the full club name from here on out for YBB.  In Europe, maybe just Young Boys doesn’t seem as “peddy”.   And perhaps it’s just a Noob thing.  But we’re going to feel the “Bern” going forward on this site.

#2 hosts #1!  Basel leads a pack of four in the standings losing ground very quickly to YBB.  Want to be the best of the rest with a chance to be the hunter this year?    Gotta get ‘em at your place.   RESULT:   1-1

Actual photo of Young Boys Bern player wearing a “Feel the Bern” hat.  He was so excited for our 2016 election here!   Too bad the Swiss suck at candidate-collusion.

Thank you to Staffer Dan-o for digging up such a timely treasure.

7. Ludogorets Razgrad vs. CSKA-Sofia – Bulgaria First League

Another #1 vs. #2 matchup.  What’s Bulgarian for “sign me up!”?

The Management:   It’s “Niandikishe”.  You’re welcome.

Thanks, The Management!  Hadn’t had you chime in for a while.  You’re a gentleman and a polyglot.   They’re still 1-2, but CSKA is now just two points out.   RESULT:   C-Sofia   1-2

8. Corinthians vs. Palmeiras – Brazil Serie A

This was a 1-2 matchup when Noob scouted it a few days ago.  It’s nearly as sexytimes as a 1/3.  Both teams should cruise to 2019 Copa Libertadores berths, as the regular season is nearing conclusion.  Anything but a road win here for Porco – yep, the nickname is singular and means “pig” – and they say “eebada eebada That’s all, folks!” to title hopes.   And so was it stuttered.   Palmeiras slips into a tie for 3rd.   RESULT   Corinthians   3-2

  I thought we moved past the whole pantsless theme a few entries ago…

9. Union Espanola vs. Colo Colo – Chile Premier ** mislisted.  This was at Colo Colo

1^st hosts 4^th here in a league where even the 6^th place club is only four points behind the top slot.  Chile only sends two teams to the Copa Libertadores next year.

It’s hard to imagine perennial power Colo Colo won’t be there.  They’ve got over double the goal differential U.E. has, so a road win here could well be in the works.   It’s a three-way tie for 1st!   Colo-Colo leads with a hefty GD.   RESULT:   Colo Colo   5-2

  There ya’ go, Noob’s dad!   (He’s a big fan of the show)

10. Herediano vs. Saprissa – Costa Rica Premier ** mislisted.  This was at Saprissa.

There’s a half dozen games to go in this league’s Apertura, yet Herediano has the title all but wrapped up.  Saprissa is in 2^nd, but ten points back.   These are the two big names from this league, easily Central America’s best football offering off the week.   RESULT:   1-1

Hold on a goldurn minute, The Management!   That was Swahili back there, nowhere CLOSE to Bulgarian.  You’re a cretinous yahoo.

For all that Noob loves the quirkiness of scouting teams and games for Relegation Monday and Globetrotting Friday, there’s nothing like the big boys games on weekends!  There are so many more games than just 10 that could make the cut.

So let’s remember our daily purpose here:  Which games look like the most important, from the bigger leagues when available, from the new-ish American fan’s perspective?

1. Swope Park Rangers vs. Oklahoma City Energy – USL playoffs

It’s down to the final four, the Conference Finals!  The #4 seed and The Management-favorite Rangers are in for a struggle.  OKC beat Reno – best offense in league history – in the first round, and then promptly bested the top defensive team in the league in San Antonio.  And both wins were on the road.   Oh, the Management, your D-2 team is a feisty one!   RESULT   0-0 / 7-6 pk

B.  Louisville City vs. New York Red Bulls II – USL playoffs

It’s not fair of Noob to think of this as the undercard.  By seeding, #1 should handle business against #7 at home.  And they may.  But Red Bulls, Junior here has taken out the #2 and #3 seeds on their own pitches already.   Down, over-caffeinated feline of darkness!   RESULT:   1-1 / 4-3 pk

  Never mind, demon-kitty.  As you were…

3. Southampton vs. Burnley – English Premiere

In so many leagues, there seem to always be a handful of teams at most which dominate most years.  That’s why it was so magical to see Leicester City win it all two years ago.  Right now, Burnley appears the best hope to snare a postseason berth, play in a European event (C.L., Europa) next year.  10^th hosts 7^th place here.   Burnley holds at 7th. Southampton drops three spots.   RESULT   Burnley   0-1

4. Leatherhead vs. Billericay Town – FA Cup

Our British undercard today is a guaranteed minnow-advancement!  They’re both from the Isthmian Premier Division, the 7^th level in England’s football pyramid.

Going by league results, Billericay should beat The Tanners on their own pitch.  Going by history – still Billericay.  They’ve won the FA Vase more than any other team in history.  (That’s a tournament for teams below the 4^th tier.)   Now slated for 11/5

   Wassail!

5. Barcelona vs. Sevilla – Spanish Premier

Sevilla’s currently in line standings-wise for a Europa League berth next season.  Going to 9-1-0 Barcelona today and losing by two isn’t going to help that cause though.   No change for either in standings.   RESULT:   Barcelona   2-1

6. Borussia Dortmond vs. Bayern Munich – German Bundesliga

Schnitzel for everyone!  A big league #2 vs. #1!  Dortmond started so damn hot this year.   They’ve slipped of late, but only as far as 2^nd place.  To no one’s surprise, it’s Bayern who overtook them.

Noobstradamus loves watching American superstar Christian Pulisic and Dortmond.  He’s fought all the bias in his soul, so his vision is pure.  2-1 Dortmond, which Wonderboy Pulisic scoring the decisive goal!   Noob fail.  Dortmond to 3rd.  RB Leipzig to 2nd after beating 4th place Hannover.   RESULT:   Bayern   3-1

  A double-fisting hydration Wonder!

7. U.A.N.L. vs. Necaxa – Liga MX

Last game for these two before the Liguilla – the postseason tournament following this Apertura.   Top eight teams all make it, and these two are safe at 2^nd and 7^th.  Even with a loss, U.A.N.L. isn’t likely to be overtaken because of their big goal differential.  With a win, Necaxa could possibly pass up to three teams.   Now slated for 11/5

8. Wydad Casablanca vs. Al Ahly – CAF Champions League

The Final, leg two!  Al Ahly is the dominating force in Africa.  But Wydad earned a draw in Egypt and get home field for the deciding match here.  Noob doesn’t have a camel in the fight, yet I find myself pulling for the slight underdog in the Moroccans.   Hail to the victors!   2018 Africa Champions League winners are Wydad Casablanca!   RESULT   1-0,  2-1 on aggregate.

  Good LAWD!  Camel-fighting appears to be a real (and illegal) thing!

9. Coleraine vs. Glenavon – Northern Irish Premier

They’re only a dozen or so matches into league play, but Coleraine has already opened up an eight point-lead over #2 Glenevon.  Unmovable object, meet irresistible force!  Coleraine doesn’t give up goals.  Glenavon scores them in spades.   RESULT:   2-2

10. Sturm Graz vs. Rapid Vienna – Austrian Bundesliga

Everyone knows when “Bundesliga” is uttered, it means German.  But Noob has taken to using “German” because of this league.  It’s been long wondered why this league isn’t stronger, given they’re in the heart of Soccerland.

Well, here are two of the mainstay powers that are most likely to ever make real waves in Europe, occupying the #1 and #3 slots currently.  The hosts play the best defense in the league at home.  R.V. is balanced, but may not have the firepower to overcome.   RESULT:   0-0

  Srsly?  Staff, did we fact check this?

And finally, congratulations to Estonian Meistrliiga 2017 champions Flora Tallinn!   They’re headed to the 2019 Champions League.  Sorry, Noob can’t think straight to ask how you’ll celebrate or anything else, fellas.  The strange double-i in your league’s name will ever always mesmerize me.

Meisterlga.   Captivating.

It’s Globetrotting Friday, Noobites!   Full disclosure:   Noob positively -adores Fridays!

A primary  purpose of the site is to have fun getting to learn about teams, leagues, and which games are important and not from the vantage of the new-ish American fan.  But Noob loves Fridays!  There just aren’t tons of big games in the Americas and Europe.   But scouring the globe for games from countries that aren’t covered by Fox and ESPN and the like is sooooper-fun.

First, a few games to be Tracked via our usual lens:

1. Morelia vs. Cruz Azul – Liga MX

This is the sixteenth and last game of the Apertura for Cruz Azul.  They are in 9^th, just one spot out of the Liguilla – league playoff tournament.  But they only trail 8^th place by goal differential.   Morelia’s already in, but will still be invested.  They’re in a three-way tie for 5^th, playing for seeding.   But a win for Atlas, and Cruz Azul will be out of the Liguilla.   RESULT:   Cruz Azul   1-2

Back to espying minnows!   It’s the First Round of the event proper.  All one-offs.  So enticing.

B.  Notts County vs. Bristol Rovers – FA Cup

Notts County could be a hot pick to make some noise, as they’re the #1 team in League Two (fourth tier).  Bristol is in League One, and having a painful season.   Minnow alert!   RESULT:   Notts County   4-2

3. Port Vale vs. Oxford United – FA Cup

Port Vale also hails from League Two, but they’re at the other end of the standings.  Oxford is League one, and much more likely to get a road victory.   Bring Noob more minnows!   RESULT:   Port Vale   2-0

  Stanford knot.  Scythe.  Cross.  Couple o’ pieces of pottery.  Aaaaaaaand a volleyball.

4. Hyde United vs. Milton Keynes Don – FA Cup

Hyde are the Tigers.  They are based in a town of the same name – part of the greater Manchester area with a population around 35,000.  And after three straight relegations, they are semi-professional status and playing in the -eighth- tier of the English pyramid.  Poor tier-three side MDK should have little trouble.  But the same was probably said for some of Hyde’s opponents leading up to this point.    Hyde, we hardly knew thee.   RESULT:    MDK   0-4

Now, let’s really Globetrot!   Please keep your tray tables up until the staff comes to feed you, ya’ filthy aminals.

5. Emelec vs. Delfin – Ecuador Premier

We ease in with a familiar league.  Like much of Latin America, the annual season is broken up into two stages.   They’re about 2/3 of the way through the second stage.  The 1^st place finishers from each stage will play for the Title.

That’s unless the same team wins both.  Then there’s no game, and the champion is crowned.  And just like last stage, these two are in 1^st and 2^nd place respectively.  Partido caliente!   Menos caliente.   RESULT:   0-0

6. Paris FC vs. Lorient – French Ligue 2

Lorient finished third-to-last in Ligue 1 last season, then lost to the Ligue 2 third-place team for a chance to remain up.  They’re in 4^th.  Coming in at 5^th and from the opposite direction is Paris FC, which played in the third-tier league last season.  They didn’t even automatically qualify to move up, but got to when SC Bastia folded.   RESULT:   1-1

      tres chic

7. Renaissance vs. Horoya – Guinea Ligue 1

Alrighty, now we’re talking!  Comparative soccer hinterlands, here we come.  Noob can’t hardly find anything about the home team.  There’s a “Renaisssance FC” in Chad, but guessing that’s coincidence.  The season is just starting there.  Horoya is the defending champion.

8. Kitchee vs. Lee Man (Warriors) – Hong Kong Premier

Kitchee won the league last year, and the Bluewaves are in 1st this young season.  A few years ago, they drew Arsenal 2-2 in a friendly.  Arsenal later donated $780,000 to Kitchee’s youth center and programs.   RESULT:   Kitchee   4-1

  Celebrating an AFC Champions League victory

9. Al Salmiya vs. Al Jahra – Kuwait Premier

3^rd place hosts 2^nd in this eight-team league.  Salmiya is a city of about a quarter million.  Noob wonders about the nickname.  It’s possible “terrible troublers” just didn’t translate well from Arabic.   RESULT:   Al Salmiya   2-1

10. Al Ansar vs. Safa – Lebanon Premier

It’s a 1^st vs 2^nd matchup!   Noob digs it.  Bring glasses for all the Noobites, arak to drink for everyone!

Al Ansar is the historically greatest team in the country.  They are from Beirut.  Ansar translates to “Helpers”, relating to inhabitants taking in Muhammed and his followers when they were moving from Mecca.   Upset!   RESULT:   Safa   1-3

  Arak – come for the pretty bottle, stay (on the floor) for the alcohol content that’s up to 2/3

1. Seattle Sounders vs. Vancouver Whitecaps – MLS playoffs

Time for the second leg of the Conference Semifinals!  Seattle earned the draw in Vancouver for Leg 1.  Sounders don’t give up goals at home – just a dozen on the regular season.   Noob is sad.  Mydickish old college rhetoric T.A. and first American superfan of soccer I ever met is a Sounders guy.   RESULT:   Seattle   2-0

Quick review:  Europa League is the second-most prestigious Euro tournament.  We’re in the Group Stage, where 48 teams compete in pods of four.  Each team in each Group plays the other three twice.  The top two in each move on to the Knockout Stage.  Teams are playing their fourth of six Group Stage games now.

B.  Lazio vs. Nice – Europa League

It’s not mathematically guaranteed, but these two are going to advance.  Still, finishing 1^st versus 2^nd matters for seeding in the Knockout Stage.  Lazio is 3-0-0, while Nice’s only lost was at home to Lazio, 1-3.  No reason to think the Italians won’t baffle the Frenchmen in Rome.   Lazio is officially advancing!   Nice still holds 2nd place by two pts.   RESULT:   Lazio   1-0

  French carb-loading Spider-Man baffles Noob.

3. AEK Athens vs. AC Milan – Europa League

AEK held the Italians to a scoreless tie in their first match, and trail them by only two points for 1^st.  Even another tie would have to please the Greeks, Noob thinks.  Yet that leaves them, vulnerable to 3^rd place Croatian club Rijeka.   Scoreless again!  And Rijeka lost today, so Athens leads 3rd place by two points.   RESULT:   0-0

4. Slavia Prague vs. Villareal – Europa League

These two are tied for 1^st, and Kazakhstani Astana is just a point behind!  The Czechs netted a 2-2 draw in Spain in their first match, and those away goals are the current tiebreaker between them.  Noob has a soft spot for all things Czech, so on to victory, “Eternal Slavia”!   Astana won today, so now they are 2nd.   RESULT:   Villareal   0-2

    And Noob loves you, Czech Rep.!  Let’s be pen pals.

5. Young Boys vs. Dinamo Kiev – Europa League

YB of Bern are a quirky 0-3-0, in 2^nd and four points behind D.K.  Since they haven’t managed a win yet, the Serbian and Albanian sides in their Group trail them in turn by a lone point each.   The Ukrainians are moving on!  Serbian club Partizan won, is now in 2nd.   RESULT:   D.Kiev   0-1

6. Ludogorets Razgrad vs. Braga – Europa League

Often the class of Bulgaria, they lead the 2^nd place Portuguese by just a point.  The weirdest thing about this group is that arguable favorite Hoffenheim is another three points back in 3^rd.

Noobstradamus was recently view mosaic art online, as is his wont, and ended up in a staring contest with a ceramic piece depicting 4^th C. Saint Theodore.  Entranced, I heard Theo tell me his Bulgarian brothers would be the victorious soldiers of this Group.   The stare-off is a draw as well.   RESULT:   1-1

    

Vegas sportsbooks had Theo vs. Noobstradamus staring contest listed “off”.

7. Lokomotiv Moscow vs. Sheriff Tiraspol – Europa League

Lokomotiv beat Zlin in this group.  -All- the other matches have been draws.  Noob thinks a four-way tie in the Group would be epic and silly.  No draws in this Group today.   Tiraspol and Copenahgen now lead the group.   RESULT:   Tiraspol   1-2

8. Rosenborg vs. Zenit St. Petersburg – Europa League

The Norwegians are six points in back of Zenit, with Real Sociedad sandwiched right in the middle.  The Russians won 3-1 in their first matchup.  Noob thinks Rosenborg would be fortunate to earn a draw with them at home even.  But a draw was all Zenit needed to guarantee advancement!   Rosenburg is five pts out of 2nd with just two to play.   RESULT:   1-1

  Noob favors the lamb grinder to the Basque country sandwich mentioned above.

9. Viktoria Plzen vs. FC Lugano – Europa League

Romanian FCSB is 3-0-0 in this group, while all others are 1-2.  Noob’s been big on Swiss teams in international play of late, so looking for Lugano to pull a minor road upset here, get clear of the Czechs and Israelis.

10. Atletico Junior vs. Sport Recife – Copa Sudamericana

Welcome back to South America’s version of Europa League!  The host Colombians won the first match of this two-legged quarterfinal tie 0-2.  Never count a Brazilian side out, but that’s a tough deficit to overcome on the road anywhere.  The winner gets mighty Flamengo, also Brazilian.   Forward to the semis for A.Junior!   RESULT:  0-0

  Not mighty flamingo.  C’mon, staff.

It’s a Cup tournament kind of day!   Wednesdays so often are, as tenured Noobites have seen.  Leagues on the weekends, tourneys midweek.  Let’s feast our eyes.

1. Tottenham Hotspur vs. Real Madrid – UEFA Champions League

The Group Stage rolls on.  Pods of four, top two advance.  And 3^rd placers drop to a waiting Europa League slot.

Dortmond’s been surprisingly feeble in this Group so far.  The only question now seems to be which of these two will win and which will advance from 2^nd place.  They’re in a dead heat.  On, Madrid!   Henry “Hotspur” Percy was a traitor and ne’er-do-well!    *shakes fist at Tottenham*   RESULT:   Tottenham   3-1

B.  Napoli vs. Manchester City – UEFA Champions League

Napoli’s been sensational in-league in Italy this season, but somehow are behind Ukrainian Shakhtar Donetsk by three points for 2^nd place.  Noob thinks they have to be favored to win at home, but Man Utd is a terrible beast.   Shakhtar won today, too.  Europa league demotion looking more and more likely for Napoli.   RESULT:   Man City   3-1

  Really terrible Beast.

3. FC Porto vs. RB Leipzig – UEFA Champions League

This group is so crazy the hip kids are spelling it with a K!  Porto’s 3^rd, Leipzig 2^nd.  Seems reasonable.  But they’re both waaaay behind 1^st place AS Monaco.  Wait, what’s that?  Monaco’s in last and Turkish Besiktas is in 1^st by a mile??   Porto vaults into 2nd!   RESULT:   Porto   3-1

4. Sevilla vs. Spartak Moscow – UEFA Champions League

Neither of this teams is as sexytimes as Liverpool in the Group, but this is the funner matchup.  They’re only a point apart in 2^nd and 3^rd place.  Liverpool will trounce Slovenian Maribor in the Group’s other game today.   Sevilla moves into 2nd.   RESULT:   Sevilla   2-1

  Sexytimes?  Maybe no.  Funner?  Sure is.  Oh, and your show doesn’t hold up as well as DS-9, Borg-boy.

5. Gremio vs. Barcelona S.C. – Copa Libertadores

Second leg of the semifinal.  It’s hard to imagine BSC overcoming a 3-0 loss at home in the first game.  Gremio vs. Lanus for the final of South America’s version of Champions League.   On to the Final for Gremio!   RESULT:   Barcelona S.C.   0-1

6. Racing Club vs. Libertad – Copa Sudamericana

Hello from South America’s version of Europa league, and your Latin undercard for the day.  Racing Club is the shinier team, but trail 1-0 on aggregate.  Noobstradmus expected to have bigger tournaments on the brain for prognostication purposes.  I’m just so excited Racing Club has nothing to do with Grand Prix that the vision came of them winning 1-0 here and then winning on penalty kicks.   Noob fail!   Libertad advances to the semis.   RESULT:   0-0

  It’s cooler in Monaco

7. Charlton Athletic vs. Fulham U21 – EFL Trophy

It’s the third-most prestigious Cup tournament in the U.K.!  And that still smells sweet.  This is the second of only three Group matches for each of these teams.  And the kids are only out of 2^nd by a point!  Noob’s not sure Charlton’s nickname of “The Addicks” is very intimidating.  The seeming most common theory is that it’s the South London pronunciation of “haddocks”.   Go, fishes!   In 1st now.   RESULT:   Charlton   3-2

  Noob finds it panfried and with Hollandaise sauce petrifying.  But that’s a me-issue.

8. Monterrey vs. Santos – Copa MX

Monterrey is the class of Liga MX, yet they barely squeaked by usually listless UdG last round.  For this quarterfinal match, Noob suggests you still take them over Santos Laguna, even if you have to give up a goal on spread.   RESULT:   Monterrey   4-1

  Is that Spanish for, “Billy Zane says try the Georgia Gold”?

9. Hobro IK vs. FC Nordsjaelland – Danish DBU Pokalen (FA Cup)

This is the Round of 16, and these are the 4^th and 3^rd place teams from the SAS-Ligaen.  The hosts are a pretty balanced side.  But if FC Nords controls the pace, it could get super-fun.  They score like it’s going out of style and predictably don’t end up playing much D.   Was a different kind of fun.   RESULT   Nords   1-1 / 3-4 pk

10. Slovan Liberec vs. Karvina – Czech Cup

The Round of 16.  Noob’s scouting notes for this one read “#4 vs. suck”.  If you’ve ever seen a picture of a mountain with a famous tv tower on top, that’s Liberec.   Weird one!   it was tied 2-2 after 90′.   Liberec got three more in just a few minutes of a.e.t. before Karvina got one back.   RESULT:   Liberec   5-3 aet

  Jested TV Tower, Liberec.  Cooler than one would think.

1. Columbus Crew vs. New York City FC – MLS playoffs

First leg of this conference semifinal, the #5 and #2 seeds.  The Crew actually won just as much as NYCFC did on the season, just had fewer draws.  Noobstradamus tried consulting his crystal ball for this match, but it was so close to call that it shattered the glass and let all the fake snow and the tiny plastic reindeer out.   Home or not, NYCFC now has their work cut out for them in Leg 2.   RESULT:  Columbus   4-1

  Centuries-old family heriloom

B.  AS Roma vs. Chelsea – UEFA Champions League

The Group Stage continues!  Groups are of four, top two advance.  2^nd in this group is hosting 1st.  Atletico Madrid lurks in 3^rd, so both these sides should be antsy to get some more distance.  Fortunately for Chelsea, 3rd place Atletico Madrid only managed a draw at home against Qarabag.  Roma to 1st!   RESULT:   Roma   3-0

  Italian greyhounds in costume.  Candy corn?

3. Celtic vs. Bayern Munich – UEFA Champions League

Celtic is in 3^rd, out of 2^nd by three points.  Bayern leads them by six.  This could get ugly if Celtic decides early it’s win-or-bust.  Bayern has the firepower to counter and score on the Celts often.  Noobstradamus divined from the broken bits of snow globe, er, shattered crystal ball shard placements that Bayern will prevail 1-4.   Noober only gets the winner correct.   RESULT:   Bayern   1-2

  How did Noobstradamus get his whole beard into that Mortal Kombat Noob Saibot mask?

4. Sporting CP vs. Juventus – UEFA Champions League

Juventus should handle Sporting, even in Lisbon.  Portuguese teams just haven’t impressed on the international stage of late.   Status quo maintained.   RESULT:   1-1

   Not exactly Rucker Park

5. FC Basel vs. CSKA Moscow – UEFA Champions League

Swiss teams, however, have been on the rise!  Basel may not get Man Utd. in this group, but they should get some more space between themselves and the 3^rd place Russian side here.   Or not!   Now they;’re tied for 2nd, though Basel leads by six on GD.   RESULT:   CSKA Moscow   1-2

  Swiss castle.  Right on.

6. Lanus vs. River Plate – Copa Libertadores

Noob would love to pirate a stream of this one somewhere.  It’s the second leg of the semifinal, and River Plate leads 1-0 on aggregate.  Lanus is a shade weaker on paper.  Looking for a feisty draw here.   Draw?  Lanus scoffs at Noob!   On to the semis in style.   Lanus   4-2, wins the tie  with  aggregate of 4-3.

  Funny, they don’t look entirely peaceful Argentinians.

7. Doncaster vs. Scunthorpe – EFL Trophy

A reminder:  This is not the FA Cup where every team down to senior citizens playing wheelchair soccer compete.  Trophy is third and fourth tier teams, plus academy teams of the top two leagues’ clubs.

The Group Stage of this event has pods of four, but they only play each other once each.  The top two both advance.  These two League One clubs have already qualified, but who finishes first matters for seeding in the next stage.  In league, they’re in 17^th and 5^th respectively.   RESULT:   Doncaster   1-1 / 3-2 pk

   Badass.

8. Wimbledon vs. Luton Town – EFL Trophy

Wimbledon – not just for tennis.   But they’re not having a lovely year in League One.  Luton Town is one of League Two’s trio of dominant teams.   RESULT:   Luton Town   1-2

9. Novigrad vs. Dinamo Zagreb – Croatian FA Cup

Round of 16.  Here are the need to knows.  Zagreb is Division I.  Novigrad is Division II.  Novigrad is -17- points behind Zagreb’s reserve club in league.   Bravely fought!   RESULT:   0-0 / 2-3 pk

  Noob knows it’s a newish holiday there… but you’re not getting it.

10. Zagiris Vilnius vs. Traika – Lithuania A Lyga

Defending league champ and current #2 Z.V. faces off against intracity rival and league #3.   Only one from here gets into 2019 Champions League.  Anything but a win and Traika’s probably out of that mix.   RESULT:   Z.V.   1-0

   Scaring winter spirits away in Lithuania