Soccernoob

The postseason – for one league, anyway – has finally arrived in Amuricuh!  16 teams are in eight from each conference.  It’s seeded, it’s bracketed, and it’s one game and done for each pair of contestants.   Noobs loves his D-II soccer like a fat kid loves cupcakes, but we will pace ourselves and not neglect the rest of the world.

1. Swope Park Rangers vs. Phoenix Rising – USL Playoffs

This is one the two 4/5 matchups.  Swope Park and Phoenix just about couldn’t look more alike.  Same number of points.   Same W-L-T records.   Almost same home-away splits.  Rangers scored five more goals on the season.  They allowed the same number.

SPR’s been good in recent weeks, but Phoenix has only lost -once- since August, and nary a tie in the streak.  Noob’s thinking road upset, though it could just wanting the Kansas City affiliate to go down.  Right, The Management?   It took playing a half on each day of the weekend, but it done did got done.   RESULT:   Swope Park   1-1 / 4-2 pk

B.  Rochester Rhinos vs. Charlotte Independence – USL Playoffs

The other 4/5 matchup is more a clash of styles.   Rochester gets it done on defense, while Charlotte scores and gives up plenty both.  If momentum exists, put the cashola on the Rhinos.  Charlotte has done nothing but lose since nearly the start of September.   RESULT:   Rochester   2-1

  Charlotte wrote Noob to tell you, “Garfield: The Movie”, Bill.   Noob’s just the messenger.

3. Chelsea vs. Watford – English Premiere

5^th hosts 4^th.  Watford has to be the surprise of the league so far, yet can it last?  They’ve only played two could teams – they tied Liverpool and got embarrassed 0-6 at home to Man City.  Chelsea, meanwhile, has faced and largely beaten better competition, and done so while also playing Champions League.  The switch places in standings.   RESULT:   Chelsea   4-2

4. Napoli vs. Inter Milan – Italian Serie A

8-0-0.  Averaging over three goals per game.  Can 2^nd place Inter Milan stop the Napoli bulldozer?  They haven’t lost, either.   Juve and Lazio now have chances to make up some ground.   RESULT:   0-0

  Which language is this hilarious in?   Weren’t we hiring an intern for just this sort of crap, The Management?

5. U.A.N.L. vs. Toluca – Liga MX

6^th hosts 4^th.  Noob just learned San Nicolas de los Garza is basically part of Monterrey, is an almost entirely residential municipality which Monterrey expanded out to meet.  It’s hard for me to think of a city of half a million as a “bedroom community”, but that is perhaps apt!   The victors to 3rd!   The losers to 6th.   RESULT:  U.A.N.L.   3-0

6. North Carolina vs. San Francisco Deltas – NASL

Last game for each before they both head to the league four-team playoffs.  SF is tied with Miami for this Spring Season title, but Noob isn’t convinced that means anything to them.  Deltas are headed to the playoffs as the #2 seed behind Miami no matter what happens.   North Carolina, however, is trying to hold off New York Cosmos for the #3 seed.   Miami beat Edmonton, in driver’s seat for Spring title now.  RESULT:   1-1

  Said it before, I’ll say it again:  Noob don’t need no reason.

7. Wydad Casablanca vs. USM Alger – CAF Champions League

Wydad earned a draw at USM in the first leg of this semifinal tie.  Now they have the advantage at home.  The winner will await either Egyptian power Al Ahly or Tunisian Etoile du Sahel.   Down go the loathed Tunisians!   USM Alger moves on to the Final.   RESULT:   Wydad   3-1

8. Yokohama F. Marinos vs. Kashima Antlers – J1 League

Yokohama is in 4^th and likely isn’t catching #1 Kashima, or even the #2 slot.  But they’re close behind Kashiwa for 3^rd, and that matters a ton.   No league playoffs here.  And top three teams make it to next year’s AFC Champions League.

Sadly for the only team I’ve seen that has a middle initial, Noobstradamus senses that road or home, Kashima can do no wrong and will shut out the Marinos.   Noob fail!   Kashima are now only two points up on Kawasaki for 1st.   Yokohama leaps Cerezo Osaka for 3rd.   RESULT:   Marinos   3-2

   The “F” stands for “foreseen doom!” for Yokohama.

9. Mexico vs. China – women’s international friendly

   We’re not afraid of you two taking “err jerbs”!  It’s the robots!!   Amuricuh, it’s time to build a wall somewhere to keep the automatons out.   This one actually got played in China.   RESULT:   China   3-2

10.  Colo Colo vs. Audax Italiano – Chile Premier

1^st hosts 3^rd place.  Fun fact!   Audax was founded in the hat store of an Santiago Italian hat store, but not as a football club.  At first, the focus was cycling!   RESULT:   Colo Colo   3-0

    Albert Caffi – haberdasher extraordinaire and bike-liker

Meadowlark Lemon’s got nothing on us- let’s globetrot, it’s Friday!   For the newest Noobites, they’re just aren’t usually a lot of premium matchups (or matches in general) on Fridays.  And Noob won’t slacken on criteria for what matches to Track.   So we list our usual “important” matches first, and then it’s off to jet around the world!  We check out matches from far less-heralded soccer countries.  Passports out.

1. West Ham United vs. Brighton & Hove Albion – English Premiere

15^th vs. 14^th.  It’s the only EPL match today.  West Ham has trouble on defense.  B&H is allergic to scoring.  West Ham will get a 1-0 win.  Noobstradamus has foreseen and spoken.   RESULT:   B&H   0-3

   Am I prognosticating or dropping a hot deuce?

B.  Morelia vs. Leon – Liga MX

5^th hosts 6^th.  These two are on the rise bigtime right now, having collectively won five of their last eight matches.   RESULT:   0-0

  Yup.  These clubs are naughty librarian-hot

3. FC Midtjylland vs. AC Horsens – Danish SAS-Ligaen

It’s ‘mid-jee-lahnd’.  Noob -thinks- the visitors are ‘hore-shans’, though that might be more proper to Swedish. I can’t keep all this Laplandic stuff straight.  Find a Sami or something!   The stress… 2^nd hosts 4^th.   RESULT:   Midtjylland   4-2

   No, no.  Not the acronym.   I’m meant a native, first people-y type person from that region of the world.

4. France vs. England – women’s international friendly

“But when the blast of war blows in our ears, Then imitate the action of the tiger.”   RESULT:   France   1-0

   Maybe not -all- the actions of a Tiger, eh, Will?

5. Al-Jazira vs. Al-Wasl – UAE Arabian Gulf League

The Cheetahs are back for a second straight Globetrotting Friday!   Noob’s not really thinking Adoption, but it is nice to see a familiar name of a less familiar place.  This time, Al-Wasl’s on the road, and playing the defending league champion to boot.

As prevalent as that word seems to be these days, “jazira” means ”island”.  Noob learningness.   RESULT:   0-0

6. Song Lam Nghe An vs. CLB Hai Phong – Vietnam V-League

First time Track for this league!   9^th hosts 7^th.   Fun fact:  Nghe An, which is the name of the province from which the home side hails, translates to “governance in peace”.   RESULT:   Hai Phong   2-3

  Green tea islands in the province.

7. CR Belouizidad vs. CS Constantine – Algerian Pro League

Last week, we said hello to CRB, too!   They didn’t fare so well, but after slipping a notch they are back in 1st.  CS Constantine is 4^th.  Chabab Riadhi de Belcourt was the CRB’’s name at founding, and the C they still carry stands for Chabab.   RESULT:   0-0

8. Somerset CC vs. PHC Zebras – Bermuda Premier

Another first-time league Track, I believe!  9^th hosts 1st here, though they’re just four games into the league season.   Somerset Trojans are the most successful team there in history.   But Zebras have outscored opponents 16-2!   Make that 19-2.   RESULT:   Zebras   0-3

   The Latin slogan’s a lame one, but -that- is a crest!

9. Kasuka FC vs. Kota Ranger FC – Brunei Super League

5^th hosts 2^nd.  And to be honest, having a hard time finding out a ton about the hosts.   Fairly sure they’re not the only league team to play there, but home pitch is Kompleks Berakas.  It seats 2500.   It only took 11 days for this result to get out there.   RESULT:   3-3

10. Musongati FC vs. Flambeau Est. – Burundi Primus League

Back to Burundi!  9^th hosts 6^th place here.   Once again it was tough to out much about the club.  But new, Noob and Noobite though we may be, we’ll try and learn something each Friday!   Musongati is based in a village of the same name and is on the border with Tanzania.  Nickel deposits are there.   RESULT:   1-1

  Denzel, I don’t know your background.  But Noob’s guessing the odds of you having heritage from and property rights in that corner of the world are slim.   -Not- your nickel.

Back to Group Stage of UEFA’s second-best tournament – Europa!  There are 12 Groups of four, all playing each other home and away.  Top two in each group advance to the Knockout Stage.  This stage is only two games in.

Noob selected the most important matches to Track based on the -current- Groups’ standings, not simply the biggest names.   And there are big names.  And the winner of the whole shebang gets automatic entry in next year’s Champions League.  Second-best tournament?  Still HYOOJ.

1. Nice vs. Lazio – Europa League

Still, big names are big!   These two biggies will advance.  They’re already each six points up on the other two in their Group.  Finishing 1^st versus 2^nd place matters for the draw for the Knockout Stage, so these sides won’t just be sitting back for a nil-nil affair.

Nice has struggled in-league this season, but not Lazio.  Noobstradamus had a vision of Tom Hanks as a symbologist saving the Vatican from getting all blow’ed up as is certain it means a road win for Lazio.   (Or did The DaVinci Code simply pop up on one of my streaming service menus?…)   For a change, Noob success!   RESULT:   Lazio   1-3

1. Red Star Belgrade vs. Arsenal – Europa League

Arsenal’s going to win this group.  That said, any result for Serbian Red Star would be important.  FC Cologne is in there group and they’re beyond awful.  And Belarussian BATE Borisov  isn’t likely to suddenly start banging out a streak of wins.   Red Star drops to third.  RESULT:   0-1   Arsenal

  Noob can’t put his finger on why this is so perfect.  But it is.

3. Villareal vs. Slavia Prague – Europa League

Each is up three points on the other two in the Group currently.   But this bunch doesn’t appear to have anyone that would run away with 1^st or fall woefully behind everyone else.  Still, it’s hard to imagine a La Liga side not beating the Czechs by a couple goals in Spain.   Noob needs more imagination.   RESULT:   2-2

4. Dynamo Kiev vs. Young Boys – Europa League

The Ukrainians have already managed some distance from 2^nd place Young Boys of Bern.  And they rate surprisingly-to-Noob high on the international club ranking source I frequent.  Yet this has felt in recent months like the Year of the Swiss.  This will be a fun matchup and a dynamite Group to follow.   RESULT:   2-2

  <— Surprised Ukrainian!

5. Braga vs. Ludogorets Razgrad – Europa League

Group C is going to be a treat.  Braga leads, though Portuguese teams haven’t been terribly successfully internationally of late.  The visiting 2md place Belarussians are quite good.  Better on paper, in fact.  Throw in a German Bundesliga team and even a perennial Turkish power, and that’s a spicy recipe.   The Bulgarian Eagles vault into 1st!   RESULT:   Ludogorets  0-2

6. AC Milan vs. AEK Athens – Europa League

This Group isn’t quite so impressive.  If AC Milan can get three points at home, they may have little to worry about.  If they don’t, Noob actually thinks it’s currently -last-place Croatian side Rijeka that could get hot and in the mix.   But Rijeka gains two points on them both with their win.   RESULT:   0-0

   Trust me.  This Croatian fan won’t tolerate last place for long.

7. U.S.A. vs. South Korea – women’s international friendly

Don’t get confused in a few days.  These two are playing in New Orleans today, then in Cary, NC.   RESULT:   USA!   3-1

8. Brazil vs. Mexico – women’s international friendly

Mexico is not quite in top 25 worldwide, so going #9 Brazil is going to test their mettle nicely.   RESULT:   Brazil   3-0

   Umm…

9. Olimpia vs. Santos de Guapiles – CONCACAF Champions League

It’s the final!!  Winner gets into the 2018 CONCACAF Champions League.   They each got past a Panamanian side in their semifinal.  The Costa Rican hosts of this first leg squeaked by theirs.  SdG laid waste to their opponent.

10. Bhayangkara Surabaya vs. PSM Makassar – Indonesian Super League

Surabaya is #1 and Makassar #4.   This league is heading into its final few games and the gap between the top and -5^th– is just six points.  These two don’t regularly blow teams out on offense, so this should be a tight affair.   And so things get even tighter.  Surabaya is now just one point up on the two teams tied for 2nd.  One of those is now Makassar.   RESULT:   Makassar   0-2

   Red body + white talcum party = good times!

See yesterday’s 10 to Track for the reintroduction on the return of UEFA Champions League to our happy schedule

1. Chelsea vs. AS Roma – UEFA Champions League

If these two clubs don’t get it a little more together in league – they’re both 5^th – a Champions League title is going to be the only way they get invited to next year’s party.   The real winner here might’ve been Atletico Madrid, 3rd place in the group.  They only got a draw at Qarabag, so the standings’ margins didn’t change at least.   RESULT:   3-3

B.  Bayern Munich vs. Celtic – UEFA Champions League

Celtic have only given up one goal in nine Scottish Premier games, but it’s hard to see them being anything but fire fodder in Munich.  These two are tied for 2^nd behind Paris Saint-Germain.   Noob listened to the middle 2/3 of the game on the radio, can’t believe it ended only 3-0.   Celtic couldn’t ever hardly get the ball out of their penalty box.   RESULT:   Bayern   3-0

3. Juventus vs. Sporting CP – UEFA Champions League

Portuguese teams just seem to be struggling internationally of late.   This won’t look like a blowout because Juventus is such a sterling defensive-minded side, but Sporting likely won’t be in this one.   RESULT:   Juve   2-1

Portugal, the Man is performing much better!  Enjoy whilst you peruse more footyball.

4. CSKA Moscow vs. Basel – UEFA Champions League

If Spartak Moscow can dominate yesterday, perhaps we should also be looking at Russia’s other entrant here.  Swiss teams have been performing well internationally in recent months.   This one might be tough to find on the t00b, but could easily be worth the search.   Getting this one on the road in particular is a gigantic advantage.   RESULT:   Basel   0-2

5. Urawa Red Diamonds vs. Shanghai SIPG – AFC Champions League

Saiiiiitamaaaaaaah!   Noob and The Management are oh so down with Urawa – Tokyo’s answer to the New Jersey side of the NYC metro.  They earned a 1-1 draw in Shanghai in the first leg.  Time to take care of business at home.  Gym – than – sushi!  Sitch!  Sitch!!   We’re going to the Final!    RESULT:   Urawa   1-0

    Where the sushi goes, Mikey knows.  And chewed up bits of SIPG!

6. America vs. Guadalajara – Liga MX

Plenty of games in the most watched league in America tomorrow, but none look on paper like they will be close.  This one might be the biggest blowout, yet try to catch it to watch the 2^nd place team in action.  The Goats likely won’t be able to do much to slow them down.   RESULT:   America   2-1

7. Jacksonville Armada vs. FC Edmonton – NASL

The regular season is hitting its home stretch.   Jacksonville is tied for the 4^th and final postseason spot with New York Cosmos, behind them by just one measly goal on differential.  Edmonton’s not out of the race yet, but they can’t really see the contenders from second-to-last place.   This one’s gonna hurt.   Cosmos predictably kicked P.R’s tail.  RESULT:   1-1

  We still love you, Edmonton.

8. Corinthians vs. Gremio – Brazil Serie A

1^st hosts 2^nd place here.  Five teams from this league are going to qualify for next year’s Copa Libertadores (South America’s Champions League).  These two will be there.   But if Gremio wants the title, they need to make a move with just over a month to go.  At nine points down in the standings, they cannot lose ground.   RESULT:   0-0

9. Independiente Medellin vs. Atletico Junior – Copa Colombia

The Final!!   It’s a two-legged tie, and this is the first match.  Junior is the more accomplished side.   Noobstradmus had a vision shortly after making it through half a bowl of perhaps ill-prepared sopa de mondongo.  Even if his gift is sometimes inspired by possible food poisoning, it is a gift nonetheless.  A.J. will prevail on the road, 1-3.   Noob fail!   RESULT:   1-1

   How could diced cow stomach soup ever be misprepared?

10. River Plate vs. Atlanta – Copa Argentina

Our third division underdog returns!   But remember:  this Copa is one-offs, no two-legged ties.   And expecting them to come out on top at all-timer River Plate may be too much to hope.   Still, Villa Crespo – represent!   They forgot to represent,  You had a nice run, fellas.   RESULT:   River Plate   4-1

   Blue and gold!  Blue and gold!

UEFA Champions League returns!   We’re still in the Group Stage.  32 have been divided into eight pods of four each.  They’ll each play the others in the pod home and away.  They’re only two matches in so far.  The top two finishers in each Group will move on to the next Stage.  The 3^rd place finishers will get transferred down to Europa League.

All the teams in four of the Groups are in action today.  Noob has picked out the better game from each of the two in each group -always 1^st playing 2nd or 3^rd.

1. Real Madrid vs. Tottenham Hotspur – UEFA Champions League

Group H – this one is likely called the “Group of Death” across the pond, as it includes these two powerhouses plus German Bundesliga current 1^st place side Borussia Dortmund.   Here, the defending champion gets nasty Tottenham, reviled by Noob.  Named for a traitor they are!  A pox on them!   Red cards and stubbed toes and bruised shins for them all!!   Dortmond only managed a draw at APOEL Nicocisa out of Cyprus in this Group’s other match.  RM and TH are now tied for 1st and waaay ahead.   RESULT:   1-1

   Remember:  Sports changed everything.

1. Manchester City vs. Napoli – UEFA Champions League

By one source Noob uses frequently, these two are dead evenly-matched.  I rarely list where games can be watched, but ESPN Deportes will carry this one.  Noob may well find a seat at a sports bar somewhere.  Wear a shirt or some such identifying yourself as “Noobite” and should I see you out and about, drinks are on me.   Ukraine’s Donetsk went on the road and handled Netherland’s Feyenoord, so Napoli drops to 3rd place.   RESULT:   Man City   2-1

3. AS Monaco vs. Besiktas – UEFA Champions League

Les Rouges et Blancs are already way behind 1^st place Paris Saint-Germain in French Ligue 1.  Noob suspects they’ll be riled up as can be and put a hurting on the Turkish side.   Noob doesn’t know which is more incredible – that Besiktas is in 1st by enough that they now can’t even do worse than 3rd place with -three- games left, or that AS Monaco sits in last place.   RESULT:   Besiktas   1-2

4. Spartak Moscow vs. Sevilla – UEFA Champions League

Sneaky-good match of the day!   Both are only in 5^th place in their respective leagues.  Sevilla’s better on paper, but Russian sides have been doing quite well internationally of late.   There was nothing sneaky about this blowout.  Spartak Moscow moves into 2nd, Sevilla is down to 3rd.   RESULT:   Spartak   5-1

  Sneakier-good Russians

5. Atlas vs. Morelia – Liga MX

We’re back in the Americas!   9^th hosts 6^th here as everyone in the league chases undefeated Monterrey.   RESULT:   Morelia   0-1

6. Persepolis vs. Al Hilal – AFC Champions League

And away again!  This is the second leg of a semifinal.  Saudi Arabian Al Hilal obliterated Noob’s pick of Perspolis in the first match, 4-0.   In fact, I now see that Al Hilal has only lost once to this club in the least seven tries.   The Saudis advance to the final!  They will face either Shanghai SIPG or Noob fave Japanese Urawa Red Diamonds.   RESULT:   2-2

  “The Burning and Looting of Persepolis (2)”.  Fellas, it’s just football.

7. Metapan vs. Santa Tecla – El Salvador Premier

Frequent flier mileage buildup today is in full swing.  3^rd hosts 2^nd place here.   Alianza is running away with the regular season so far, but eight of the 12 teams will make the league postseason.  This match is about seeding.   RESULT:   Metapan   1-0

8. Crusaders vs. Coleraine – Northern Ireland FA Cup

This is only the Second Round (round of 16), yet two of the Premier League heavyweights are already facing off.   This tournament doesn’t do two-legged ties.  One game, win or go home.   RESULT:   Crusaders   3-2

9. NK Celje vs. Mura – Slovenian FA Cup

Underdog time!   This event has reached its Quarterfinals.  Mura qualified through a regional tournament last year.  They also finished high enough in their -third- tier league to move up to second, where they’re doing ok.  They are based out of the town Murska Sobota, which has maybe all of 12,000 people.  Celje is a top flight league member.   This result was black and white.   Mura leaves black and blue.   RESULT:   Celje   4-0

  Maybe the entirety of Slovenia is in black and white.  Noob’s never been.

10. KF Lushnja vs. KF Laci – Albanian FA Cup

Second round, 16 teams remain.   This is the first leg of one of the only ties between two Premier teams.   Lushjna needs to make some hay at home here.  They’re last place in their league, so it’s hard to see them doing much against even middling-Laci.   RESULT:   now slated for 11/29

   Just when Noob thinks he’s seen the worst crest ever, another one “raises” the bar.

Welcome to another exciting edition of Relegation Monday! For the rawest Noob recruits, Monday is a light day around the world. So rather than lower standards and Track games not as important to the top of leagues’ standings, we do a 180!

Nearly every league in the world has Relegation. The worst teams are going to get demoted to a lower league. All but one of today’s games has at least one team currently “below the line” – in a standings position that would get them dropped if the season ended today.

Noob pokes no fun at them. Well, not much. Instead, this our opportunity for soccer education! Let’s get to know some of these clubs just a little before they potentially get booted into oblivion at seasons’ ends.

1. Leicester City vs. West Bromwich Albion – English Premiere

When Noob scouted this match a few days ago, it was not Relegation-related. But Leicester has slipped into 18^th place, the last of the three slots that will get a team kicked down a league at season’s end. And to think, they won the league just two years ago. West Brom is 12^th.   West Brom to 19th, Leicester still wears the sad pants.   RESULT:   1-1

B. Hellas Verona vs. Benevento – Italian Serie A

It’s a Relegation double feature! Both sides were promoted from Serie B this year, and both are in early position to be kicked right back down – 19^th and 20^th places. HV won the A title in 1984-85, and they are proudly The Mastiffs.   Benevento remains point-less.  But HV climbs to 16th, out of the Relegation zone!   RESULT:   Hellas Verona   1-0

  What do you mean I won’t get cast in the Italian version of “Mad Men”?

3. Amkar Perm vs. Tosno – Russian Premier

Tosno is in 14^th of 16 teams. Only the bottom to club will be dropped automatically at season’s end. The next two will compete in a mini-tournament with the 3^rd and 4^th place clubs from Russia’s second-tier league to determine which to clubs get to play the Premier next year.

FC Tosno is in just its fourth year of existence, and this is it’s first year playing Premier. They will or were going to build their own new stadium, but for now have moved into Zenit St. Petersburg’s old Petrovsky Stadium.   RESULT:   0-0

4. Bursaspor vs. Osmanlispor – Turkey Super Lig

Osmanlispor was just a ho-hum bottom half club last year. But with only one win, they now get Noob coverage! Three of the 18 teams in this league get the boot later, and the big O is in dead last.

They are based in Ankara, and named for Osman I, the founder of the Ottoman Empire.   RESULT:   Bursaspor   3-1

   Someone get Louis C.K.’s agent on the phone.

5. Olimpo de Bahia Blanca vs. Huracan – Superliga Argentina

Relegation in this league is based on how clubs have done for the past four seasons combined. Olimpo’s in last place this season, but only in the last of four actual Relegation slots based on 2014 on. El suck-o either way.

Bahia blanca translates to “white bay”, even though the water upon which the city is built is actually an estuary.   RESULT:   Huracan   0-2

6. Arsenal de Sarandi vs. San Martin de San Juan – Superliga Argentina

Arsenal de Sarandi is in the second Relegation slot. They’re doing a little bit better this season specifically, but compared to the last few years one could starve a mouse on the difference. The two nicknames I find for them are “The Viaduct Men” and “The Arse”. The latter is, of course, short for arsenal. But maybe someone should explain to them.   RESULT:   de San Juan   0-1

  Sorry to go a little blue, but that’s the Argentinian arse, Sarandi.

7. Panathinaikos vs. Larissa – Greek Super League

Noob’s sources appear in conflict about how many teams will be Relegated after this season. It’s clear at least two will. Larissa’s in last place. -If- there are more than two – whether automatically Relegated or possibly after a playoff with second tier teams trying to climb up – Panathinaikos is in danger at fourth-to-last-place.  Surprising, given that they finished 3^rd in last year’s regular season.

Larissa is the capital city of the Thessaly region. They are the only club based outside of the country’s two major cities to ever win the top league title, back in 1988.   It’s early, so this moves Panat all the way up to 8th!   RESULT:   Panathinaikos   2-1

8. Beitar Jerusalem vs. Macabbi Netanya – Israel Premier

Our one “good” match!  It’s the only one I found that matches my usual criteria for competitive matches to Track. 3^rd place hosts 2^nd here.  Netanya was promoted from the second-tier Liga Leumit this season.  B.J. to 2nd, M.N. to 4th.   RESULT:   Beitar Jerusalem   4-1

   That…doesn’t seem relevant…

9. Dinamo Bucaresti vs. Juventus Bucarest – Romania Liga I

Juventus has yet to win a match, and so are in distant last place. Perhaps there is hope for them though. Eight of the league’s 14 teams will play a Relegation mini-tournament at regular season’s end.

One of their nicknames is “The Old Lady from Colentina”. That’s a neighborhood in Bucharest. Who this old broad is lies beyond Noob and his current interwebs powers.   RESULT   Dinamo   3-0

10. Persiba Balikpapan vs. Bali United Pusam – Indonesia Super League

Three teams are getting Relegated for this league. Balikpapan is far enough behind in second-to-last that there’s about no real hope they can avoid “the drop”. Bali U.P. Is in 2^nd place, so the home team is really up against it.

Their mascot is beduang madu – a honey bear!   That’s how you start fighting against Relegation.  Monday success!   Upset!   RESULT:   Persiba Balikpapan   3-2

   So cute!  But…

   …can it defeat the long-tenured Sugar Bear?   Fiiiiight!!

Noob is on a road trip of limited cell service and wifi only when he can sneak off to local crappy food-free internet restaurant. No wacky pictures  this go-round, but plenty of quality football action! We start off with the three best, most important MLS games of the day. But if you have the time, check your other MLS soccer sources for other games. Plenty all over the place are affecting the playoff standings today.

1. Sporting Kansas City vs. Houston Dynamo – MLS

What a glorious hot mess the Western Division is! Two games to go, and swamp city Houston is in 5^th place. They are two points out of 2^nd, yet also only two points from being out of the top six and the playoffs.

These two played just a few days ago and Houston got the important home win. KC almost can’t fall out of the playoff picture. They could slip to a tie for 6^th, yet would likely still get in on GD.

Noob is simply cheering for lots of red cards and a draw. Experienced Noobites now how The Management and I feel about swamp cities., even if we are on opposite ends of the KC feelings-spectrum.   No red cards.   RESULT:   0-0

B. New York Red Bulls vs. Atlanta United – MLS

The Eastern Division is clearer, but only comparatively. NYRB is in 6^th and Montral cannot catch them for the last playoff spot. They aren’t terribly likely to catch 5^th place Columbus these last two matches even if they win out.

Atlanta, meanwhile, is in 3^rd place, and could easily finish anywhere from 2^nd to 5^th.   ATL slips to 5th in another torrid MLS affair haha.   RESULT:   0-0

3. New England Revolution vs New York City FC – MLS

NYCFC is that 2^nd place team. The road is never easy, but the Rev are already on their second coach of the season.   Goals!   And upset.   RESULT:  New England   2-1

4. Southampton vs. Newcastle United – English Premier

13^th hosts 9^th. Neither EPL game is key to the top of the standings. Yet it’s interesting and fun to see New Castle playing in the top half-sandbox after just having been promoted this season from the ECL.   After this and Sunday’s matches, Southampton has climbed to 10th.  Newcastle’s position is unchanged.   RESULT:   2-2

5. Santos vs. Atlas – Liga MX

15^th hosts 11^th in the only Mexican top league game today. Fun Fact: Santos’ nicknames include “The Warriors” and “The Lakers”. Trying to get California NBA fans to come together?   Following the full weekend slate, Atlas climbs to 9th.  Santos is still 15th.   RESULT:   Atlas   0-1

6. Inter Milan vs. AC Milan – Italian Serie A

As if the intracity rivalry wouldn’t be heated anyway, neither club made Champions League last year. And though it’s early, AC Milan is on the outside looking in again, even for Europa league, in 7^th. Internazionale is in 3^rd.   Inter to 2nd, AC to 10th.   RESULT:   Inter Milan   3-2

7. SK Sturm Graz vs. Austria Vienna – Austrian Bundesliga

Jewels Sturm and Brigata Graz will be out in force – their two biggest organized fan groups. 1^st hosts 3^rd in a wide open title race so far.   AV falls to 4th.   RESULT   Sturm Graz   3-0

8. Sagan Tosu vs. Cerezo Osaka – J1 League

8^th hosts 5^th as the league season winds down. Cerezo Osaka will probably be rotating non-starters in as they get ready for there appearance in the final of the League Cup, so Sagan Tosu has a mighty good chance to secure their top-half spot in the league standings.   Or not.   RESULT:   Cerezo Osaka   1-2

9. Guastatoya vs. Petapa – Guatemala National League

4^th hosts 1^st.   Noob standings confusion reigns!   They are actually now 5th and 6th respectively.   RESULT:   Guastatoya   2-1

10. Wilstermann vs. The Strongest – Bolivia Pro League

1^st hosts 4^th.   The Strongest leapfrog Wilstermann!  3rd and 2nd respectively now.   RESULT:   The Strongest   1-2

Noob’s in limited cell service-land on current road trip.  No internet where I am staying.   Still, can’t leave Noobites hangin’, least of all on a weekend!  Free wifi, crappy food restaurant – Noob takes the good with the bad.

1.  Liverpool vs Manchester  United – English Premiere

7th hosts 2nd. The Manchester teams are so dominant, Noob easily imagines a two-goal loss for the home side.   C’mon, fellas, trying to promote footsball here!   RESULT:   0-0

B.  Atletico Madrid vs. Barcelona – Spanish Premier

4th hosts 1st in a game Atletico needs to win keep pace with the leagues perennial Big Two.   That’s a little better.   RESULT:   1-1

   Do you even lift?

3.  Juventus vs. Lazio – Italian Serie A

2nd hosts 4th here.  Lazio’s been high in the standings for a couple seasons now.  A road win against super-defense Juve would be special.   Lazio will have the special, please.   RESULT:   Lazio  0-1

4.  Borussia Dortmond vs. Red Bull Leipzig – German Bundesliga

Amuricuh, your golden boy Christian Pulisic returns to his 1st place club.  After being the only guy to play worth a darn for the U.S. in failed CONCACAF WCQ. has to be nice to be “home”.   Leipzig is in 4th.   RESULT:   Leipzig   2-3

  ” , said Muse.

5.  Leon vs. U.N.A.L. – Liga MX

Noob always lists a Mexican league game when any are offered  It’s the most watched league in America.  Here, we actually get a darn good match, as 4th hosts 3rd.   RESULT:   Leon   1-0

6.  Coleraine vs. Linfield – Northern Ireland Premier

Noob will always break out the good cheese platter when a #1 plays a #2!   Coleraine   2-1

   <—  Neither Noob nor the good cheese platter.

7.  Defensive Sporting vs. River Plate – Uruguay Premier

And back to the Americas!  2nd hosts 3rd, and 3rd is definitely the traditional power.   RESULT:   Defensor   2-1

8.  Santa Tecla vs. Alianza – El Salvador Premier

3rd hosts 1st in Central America’s  best match of the day.  Noob wonders – Saint Tecla?  Do we have an Amuricuhn version of that name?   Before editing, Noob inadvertnatly listed this as a Costa Rican Premier game.   I will now beat myself about the bare shoulders with a wire coat hanger.   RESULT:  now slated for 10/15

9.  North Carolina Courage vs. Portland Thorns – NWSL

Its the league championship!  One game for all the marbles, no home and away funny business for the ladies.

The Lifetime network has been airing league games all year.  Noob understands they’ve decided to cancel the Indigo Girls halftime show. Instead, they’re going to drag lookalike Ben Afflecks out by S&M chained collars and force them to burn a 50’ wicker Harvey Weinstein effigy.   Noob was unable to catch the game.  How was the show?   RESULT:   0-1   Portland Thorns – Champeeeeeens!!

10.  Cape Town City vs. SuperSport United – MTN 8

In South Africa, the top eight teams from the previous season kick off the next campaign with a knockout tournament. But it’s not an event to crown the champion from the year before; its a standalone event.  This is the final.   More champeeeeeen!   THAT’S how you play to promote, soccer peoples.   RESULT:   SuperSport   1-1  /  2-4 pk

   And wafa wafa! to you, goodmen.