10 to Track (Sat., 10/1417)

Noob’s in limited cell service-land on current road trip.  No internet where I am staying.   Still, can’t leave Noobites hangin’, least of all on a weekend!  Free wifi, crappy food restaurant – Noob takes the good with the bad.

1.  Liverpool vs Manchester  United – English Premiere

7th hosts 2nd. The Manchester teams are so dominant, Noob easily imagines a two-goal loss for the home side.   C’mon, fellas, trying to promote footsball here!   RESULT:   0-0

B.  Atletico Madrid vs. Barcelona – Spanish Premier

4th hosts 1st in a game Atletico needs to win keep pace with the leagues perennial Big Two.   That’s a little better.   RESULT:   1-1

Image result for keep pace funny   Do you even lift?

3.  Juventus vs. Lazio – Italian Serie A

2nd hosts 4th here.  Lazio’s been high in the standings for a couple seasons now.  A road win against super-defense Juve would be special.   Lazio will have the special, please.   RESULT:   Lazio  0-1

4.  Borussia Dortmond vs. Red Bull Leipzig – German Bundesliga

Amuricuh, your golden boy Christian Pulisic returns to his 1st place club.  After being the only guy to play worth a darn for the U.S. in failed CONCACAF WCQ. has to be nice to be “home”.   Leipzig is in 4th.   RESULT:   Leipzig   2-3

Image result for Red Bull meme  ” , said Muse.

5.  Leon vs. U.N.A.L. – Liga MX

Noob always lists a Mexican league game when any are offered  It’s the most watched league in America.  Here, we actually get a darn good match, as 4th hosts 3rd.   RESULT:   Leon   1-0

6.  Coleraine vs. Linfield – Northern Ireland Premier

Noob will always break out the good cheese platter when a #1 plays a #2!   Coleraine   2-1

Image result for bad cheese platter   <—  Neither Noob nor the good cheese platter.

7.  Defensive Sporting vs. River Plate – Uruguay Premier

And back to the Americas!  2nd hosts 3rd, and 3rd is definitely the traditional power.   RESULT:   Defensor   2-1

8.  Santa Tecla vs. Alianza – El Salvador Premier

3rd hosts 1st in Central America’s  best match of the day.  Noob wonders – Saint Tecla?  Do we have an Amuricuhn version of that name?   Before editing, Noob inadvertnatly listed this as a Costa Rican Premier game.   I will now beat myself about the bare shoulders with a wire coat hanger.   RESULT:  now slated for 10/15

9.  North Carolina Courage vs. Portland Thorns – NWSL

Its the league championship!  One game for all the marbles, no home and away funny business for the ladies.

The Lifetime network has been airing league games all year.  Noob understands they’ve decided to cancel the Indigo Girls halftime show. Instead, they’re going to drag lookalike Ben Afflecks out by S&M chained collars and force them to burn a 50’ wicker Harvey Weinstein effigy.   Noob was unable to catch the game.  How was the show?   RESULT:   0-1   Portland Thorns – Champeeeeeens!!

Image result for indigo girls meme

10.  Cape Town City vs. SuperSport United – MTN 8

In South Africa, the top eight teams from the previous season kick off the next campaign with a knockout tournament. But it’s not an event to crown the champion from the year before; its a standalone event.  This is the final.   More champeeeeeen!   THAT’S how you play to promote, soccer peoples.   RESULT:   SuperSport   1-1  /  2-4 pk

Image result for mtn 8   And wafa wafa! to you, goodmen.

Author: Soccernoob

After a year of previewing soccer matches the world over with my own off-brand comedy, I now provide exclusive coverage for the Isle of Sodor Premier League, Championship, and FA Cup. (FC Dryaw 'til I die.)

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