Noob’s in limited cell service-land on current road trip. No internet where I am staying. Still, can’t leave Noobites hangin’, least of all on a weekend! Free wifi, crappy food restaurant – Noob takes the good with the bad.
1. Liverpool vs Manchester United – English Premiere
7th hosts 2nd. The Manchester teams are so dominant, Noob easily imagines a two-goal loss for the home side. C’mon, fellas, trying to promote footsball here! RESULT: 0-0
B. Atletico Madrid vs. Barcelona – Spanish Premier
4th hosts 1st in a game Atletico needs to win keep pace with the leagues perennial Big Two. That’s a little better. RESULT: 1-1
Do you even lift?
3. Juventus vs. Lazio – Italian Serie A
2nd hosts 4th here. Lazio’s been high in the standings for a couple seasons now. A road win against super-defense Juve would be special. Lazio will have the special, please. RESULT: Lazio 0-1
4. Borussia Dortmond vs. Red Bull Leipzig – German Bundesliga
Amuricuh, your golden boy Christian Pulisic returns to his 1st place club. After being the only guy to play worth a darn for the U.S. in failed CONCACAF WCQ. has to be nice to be “home”. Leipzig is in 4th. RESULT: Leipzig 2-3
” , said Muse.
5. Leon vs. U.N.A.L. – Liga MX
Noob always lists a Mexican league game when any are offered It’s the most watched league in America. Here, we actually get a darn good match, as 4th hosts 3rd. RESULT: Leon 1-0
6. Coleraine vs. Linfield – Northern Ireland Premier
Noob will always break out the good cheese platter when a #1 plays a #2! Coleraine 2-1
<— Neither Noob nor the good cheese platter.
7. Defensive Sporting vs. River Plate – Uruguay Premier
And back to the Americas! 2nd hosts 3rd, and 3rd is definitely the traditional power. RESULT: Defensor 2-1
8. Santa Tecla vs. Alianza – El Salvador Premier
3rd hosts 1st in Central America’s best match of the day. Noob wonders – Saint Tecla? Do we have an Amuricuhn version of that name? Before editing, Noob inadvertnatly listed this as a Costa Rican Premier game. I will now beat myself about the bare shoulders with a wire coat hanger. RESULT: now slated for 10/15
9. North Carolina Courage vs. Portland Thorns – NWSL
Its the league championship! One game for all the marbles, no home and away funny business for the ladies.
The Lifetime network has been airing league games all year. Noob understands they’ve decided to cancel the Indigo Girls halftime show. Instead, they’re going to drag lookalike Ben Afflecks out by S&M chained collars and force them to burn a 50’ wicker Harvey Weinstein effigy. Noob was unable to catch the game. How was the show? RESULT: 0-1 Portland Thorns – Champeeeeeens!!
10. Cape Town City vs. SuperSport United – MTN 8
In South Africa, the top eight teams from the previous season kick off the next campaign with a knockout tournament. But it’s not an event to crown the champion from the year before; its a standalone event. This is the final. More champeeeeeen! THAT’S how you play to promote, soccer peoples. RESULT: SuperSport 1-1 / 2-4 pk
And wafa wafa! to you, goodmen.