Soccernoob

Our quest to find and Track the best ten games from out perspective, that of the newish American soccer fan, nets us a perfect balance of league, Cup, and other tournament games today.

Remember to caffeinate AND hydrate so that leftover turkey today doesn’t put you in a tryptophan-tastic coma.

1. Urawa Red Diamonds vs. Al Hilal – AFC Champions League

It’s the second leg of the Final!   Noob, The Management, and in-house number one superfan Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino could simply not be more excited.  We’re going all out.  Tea ceremony before the game, and we’ll remain decked out throughout the match in our kamishimos.  (The Sitch adores the exaggerated shoulders.)

Our boys from Saitama (Tokyo’s answer to NYC metro NJ) earned a draw at the mighty Saudis’ place, 1-1.  Hilal may carry the bigger ranking internationally, but will cower when they hear our cry:  Gym-Tan-Sushi!   Victory is ours!!!   Urawa scores at 88′ to become the greatest in Asia!   I’m excited, The Management is excited, and Mikey’s tan’s even glowing a little more.   RESULT:   Urawa   1-0

 

 

 

where the sushi goes

B.  Morelia vs. Toluca – Liga MX

The Liguilla rolls on!   A reminder of what this is:   It’s the postseason, eight-team tournament that follows each half-season segment (Apertura, Clausura).

This event is in its opening round of two-legged ties.  #5 seed Toluca won 2-1 at their place.  This should be an excellent match between two very even teams.  Univision Deportes is where Noobites can find it.   This seems a bit messed up to Noob.   Instead of penalty kicks, if the two-legged tie ends with even aggregate and away-goals, they simply award the team with the better seed the victory.   Morelia advances.   RESULT:   Morelia   2-1

3. Liverpool vs. Chelsea – English Premiere

This weekend marks about the 1/3 mark of this league’s season, and the two-horse race it looked like it would be earlier is now just one.  Man City is running away with things.  These two here are 5^th and 3^rd place.  If either has designs on catching The Blues, now would be the time to start picking up three points at a time.

Liverpool doesn’t play premium defense, so this may be both the bet matchup of the day and one in which we can look for the visitors to steal a win.   RESULT:   1-1

  Too soon?

4. Borussia Monchengladbach vs. Bayern Munich – German Bundesliga

How long can M’Gladbach remain near the top?   They ‘re in 4^th, but only score as many goals as they give up.  1^st place Bayern outscores opponents at nearly a 4:1 clip.   Gladback moves into a tie for 3rd.   RESULT:   Gladbach   2-1

5. Coleraine vs. Crusaders – Northern Ireland Premier

Coleraine is 8-0-0 at home on the season, good for 1^st place.  Yet 3^rd place Crusaders have the far better GD.

Fun fact:   Noob knew this was a smaller national league, but it turns out the teams are only semiprofessional in status.  I wonder what other jobs the players do to make ends meet?   Crusaders climb into a tie for 2nd.   RESULT:   1-1

   Not even a mask, let alone hazmat suit??

6. Olimpik Donetsk vs. Shakhtar Donetsk – Ukraine Premier

This match features 3^rd vs. 1^st place.   But there’s a real gap between #1 Shakhtar (and #2 Dynamo Kiev) and the rest of this league.  Olimpik doesn’t score tons and earns a LOT of draws.   RESULT:   Shakhtar   2-4

7. TP Mazembe vs. SuperSport United – CAF Confederation Cup

Welcome back to Africa’s version of Europa League!  It’s the Final, and the defending champions from DR Congo are in control.   After struggling against Moroccan FUS Rabat in the semifinal, they won the first Final leg in South Africa 2-1.   Repeat champs!   RESULT:   Mazembe   1-2

   The holy grail for league also-rans in Africa.  Shiny!

8. Kashiwa Reysol vs. Kashima Antlers – J1 League

This weekend features the second-to-last games of this league’s season.  They don’t do a league postseason, so things are getting serious.

Defending champ Kashima is four points above 2^nd place Kawasaki.  Kashiwa’s in 4^th, and only the top three finishers qualify for AFC Champions League next year.  They’re just two points behind Cerezo Osaka for that final birth.   RESULT:   0-0

9. Albirex Niigata vs. Global FC – Singapore Cup

Double I’s DOUBLE I’s!!   Noob is mesmerized, always has been.  It started with Estonia’s “Meistrliiga” and will never end.  Don’t ask question.  Just accept, and embrace.

This championship Final is a one-off between two teams not or not precisely from Singapore.  The nation’s league has eight teams, and then they invite four foreign-based teams as well.  Global is one of those, being a Cambodian club.  Albirex Niiiiiiiigata plays in Singapore, yet is a satellite club of Japanese players affiliated with a club there of the same name.   RESULT:   Niigata   2-1.   ChamPEENS!

   Not exactly what Noob meant.  But that’s adorable.  I see you, baby!

10. Pars Jonoubi Jam vs. Persepolis – Persian Gulf Pro League

Let’s finish this bad boy off with a 1-2 matchup!    PJJ is Adopted, meaning they are a coronated Favorite Team for Noob.  Jaaayyyyum!   Love it.  Persepolis is an established power in Iran.  Good luck finding this anywhere but a pirated interblag stream for live viewing, but go for it.   RESULT:   Persepolis   0-1

Noob hopes your Turkey Day was swell, but not too tryptophan-tastic!  Need to have your wits about you, Noobites.  It’s Globetrotting Friday!

We normally Track the ten most important games of the day, from around the world, from the perspective of the newish American fan.  Fridays tend to be a little light, so we pack our bags and head out to Globetrot!   We’ll start with someone familiar “locales” before we venture to exciting parts unknown.

1. West Ham United vs. Leicester City – English Premiere

After nearly finishing in the top half last year, West Ham sits in 18^th and in danger of getting Relegated to the ECL.  They’ve given up more goals than all other league teams this season.  And Leicester’s GD might indicate they may be more talented than they’re 12^th place spot and record suggest.

Fun fact!   The song that is perhaps most associated with West Ham and its supporters is “I’m Forever Blowing Bubbles”.  Noob was actually familiar with it as a football anthem from the Elijah Wood movie “Green Street Hooligans”.  But little did I know it’s an American song, not English.   RESULT:   1-1

B.  Germany vs. France – women’s international friendly

Friendly or not, these are two of the best teams in the world.  FIFA ranks them #2 and #4 respectively.  Noob is still looking for a TV network carrying it, but it would be worth checking for online media, too.   Up your nose with a rubber hose, rabbit.   RESULT:   Germany   4-0

       

What is this madness!  Noobstradamus takes off ONE holiday proper and gets replaced for prognostication by a rabbit?   Oooh, are those tasty morsels?   I can pick France.

3. Jordan vs. Japan – women’s international friendly

This one might be harder to find unless you’re IN one of these two countries.  Full disclosure:  Noob has no idea at all if Jordan is particularly lovely this time of year.   The hosts just crack FIFA’s top 50, while Japan is a perennial powerhouse.   RESULT:   Japan   0-2

   Wadi Rum desert in autumn.  OK, that’s quite lovely

4. Stade de Reims vs. AC Ajaccio – French Ligue 2

How competitive is this league?   Reims leads 2^nd place by three points.  The 17 teams are separated by just -11- points.  The top two get promoted for Ligue 1 at season’s end.  AC Ajaccio is in 4^th.

Reims isn’t a city with which Nob is familiar.  But it was the site for many, many years for ceremonial crowning of kings.   Home and away side mixed up here.   RESULT:   Reims   0-1

   Charles X was first to be crowned in Reims

5. Jong Ajax vs. Nijmegen – Dutch Eerste Divisie

Second-tier football from the Netherlands, Noob?   Your darn tootin’!  When it’s #2 vs. #1, Noob would go to the ends of the earth.  Only one team gets automatically promoted to Eredivisie at season’s end, and currently Nijmegen holds that slot.   Jong Ajax is a top-tier team’s reserve side, and so cannot be promoted.  (Boooooo!)   Home and away turned around here as well.   RESULT:   Nijmegen   1-0

6. Gornick Zabrze vs. Jagiellionia Bialystok – Poland Ekstraklasa

Zabrze must play four strikers and a goalie just part-time.   They score MANY more goals than anyone else in the league, but give them up at a rate not far below that.  4^th place Bialystock doesn’t play tons of D, so this could be a real shootout.

2^nd place Zabreze is one of the most storied clubs in the country’s history.  But there golden years were the 1960’s.   They are “The Miners”.   RESULT:   Zabreze   3-1

Jiminy shitzmas!!

7. Hassania Agadir vs. Olympic Club de Safi – Morocco Botola

Speaking of ends of the earth-ish, here’s #2 vs #1 again!

De Safi’s played a couple more games than most other games in the league, you say?  Well!  Good on you for knowing, identity-less voice in my blog-head.  Do you think this is going to take the luster off this game for Noob?   Do you think you can just show up, possess my fingers and ruin this subentry??  This is why we can’t have nice things!!   RESULT:   Agadir   1-0

   Noob’s never been alone with the voice-issue.  Comforting.

8. Al-Ahly Khartoum vs. Al Khartoum – Sudan Premier

Don’t.  You.  Quit on it, Noobites!  Sudan plays seemingly every day of the week.  6^th hosts 5^th here in what we’ll call the Khartoum Derby!  Why do Brits pronounce it “darby”?

Other questions of equal importance Noob has:  Why do vacuum cleaners of all makes and models never work consistently or last?  Why has Noob never owned a car with a properly-functioning set of windshield wipers?  Where am I?  What is this place?  Where did I leave my pants, and did Noob have a good time?   RESULT:   Al Khartoum   0-2

   Noob’s Friday night wingman.

9. Al-Jaish vs. Al-Wahda – Syria Premier

It’s a first-time visit for Noob!  This league’s season is really just starting.  This match features last year’s 1^st and 3^rd place clubs.  Al-Jaish is one of five club teams that call Damascus home.  They are our second Tracked club today that are “The Miners”.   PPD

   This is a solid crest, Al-Jaish.  Yet it looks Lego-y when not looking quite directly at it.

10. Ndanda vs. Njombe Miji – Tanzania Premier

Another first-time foray for Noober!  This game merely features 11^th vs 15^th place.  But we’re here, we’re learning together.  It’s the holidays and these experiences together are important.

Ndanda FC is based in Mtwara, which is the name of the both the city and region.  The city was built by the British, meant to be home to 200,000 people.  It’s only ever had about 80,000.   They wanted to grow peanuts there and export them, constructing a deep port as well.  The climate is completely unsuitable for this crop, and so the plan failed spectacularly.

The Management:  Um, Noob?  A lot of the humor stuff here is…well, words fail.  But when you present these fake historical anecdotes, it’s just plain old disconcerting.

Ok, Doubting The Management, but know that some of these are true!  Use your Google powers to fact check if you choose.  Put “Tanganyika Groundnut Scheme” in the search engine, see for yourself it won’t start smoking.   RESULT:   1-1

   Resident engineer helping plan the deep port at Mtwara.  Or is it?

 

 

Happy Thanksgiving!

The first eight of Noob’s 10 to Track today are from Europe’s second-best tournament – Europa League!   Sure, it’s not as shiny as Champions League, but these teams are plenty good.  And the winner of the whole shebang qualifies for next year’s CL!

Like CL, they’re playing the fourth of six games each in the Group Stage now.  The top two teams from each pod will advance to the Knockout Stage.

1. Nice vs. Zulte-Waregem

After dropping down from Champions League, Nice is in 2^nd place here.  They have almost no chance to win this Group, and their Belgian guests are two points more back.  ZW is losing by an average score of 2-1 these last four games.   As advertised, Nice cannot win the Group now, but they DO advance!   RESULT:   Nice   3-1

B.  Braga vs. Hoffenheim

Hoffenheim got the boot from CL, and they’re in just 3^rd place here.  Portuguese side Braga is three points on them, and only trail 1^st place by one.  The Germans are both scoring and giving up more goals then the others in this Group, so fans of offense should enjoy this match.   Braga could still drop to 2nd place with a game to go, but they will advance!   RESULT:   Braga   3-1

     Portuguese harvest festival

3. AC Milan vs. Austria Vienna

Austria Vienna needs to move west, because they’re the Swiss cheese defense.   1^st place Milan has yet to lose in Group, on paper don’t appear to be threatened by 3^rd place AV.   Milan is Group winner!   RESULT:   Milan   5-1

4. Astana vs Villareal

This might be the most competitive match from this event today.  Kazakhstani Astana is in 1^st place after getting dropped down from CL, though just one point up on Villareal.  Being from the stronger league, it’s hard not favor the Spanish club here, but the home side has been equaling them in Group.   Villareal will advance!  Astana is in 3rd, a point out of 2nd.   RESULT:   Villareal   2-3

   South Kazakh turkey.  Noob’s sure it vastly different from a northern one.

5. Lokomotiv Moscow vs. Copenhagen

These two are from the tightest Group in action today.   Lokomotiv’s in 3^rd, one point behind two clubs.  Copehagen is one of those, another casualty from Champions League.   LM moves into 2nd, one point out of 1st, two points ahead of Copenhagen.   RESULT:   LMoscow   2-1

6. Partizan vs. Young Boys

Serbian Partizan Belgrade comes here from CL as well and is in 2^nd place.  Dynamo Kiev is way up on them, but they in turn are two points up on the Swiss side.   Young Boys of Bern has yet to win a Group stage match, can’t keep pulling just draws if they want to advance.   Partizan will advance!  They are two points behind 1st play Dynamo Kiev, whom the play in their final Group match.   RESULT:   2-1

   Serbian young officers being blessed at their Thanksgiving.

7. BATE Borisov vs. Red Star Belgrade

The Belarussian hosts having given up -ten- goals so far.   It’s a mystery to Noob how they are just one point behind 2^nd place RSB.  The Serbian visitors take the air completely out of the ball, with only four goals scored collectively in their games.   Looks like Red Star controlled the pace.  They are in a dead heat for 2nd, and just one point ahead of BATE.   RESULT:   0-0

8. Ostersund vs. Zorya Lunhansk

This Group is turned upside down from what most anyone likely expected.   The host Swedes lead Zorya by a point.   3^rd and 4^th place teams from Spain and Germany can’t probably both catch up and advance with just two games to go.   Ostersund qualify to the Knockout stage!   Zorya must be 2nd place Bilbao in their final Group match to do the same.   RESULT:   Ostersund   2-0

   Now THAT’S how to go about carving your turkey.

9. Flamengo vs. Atletico Junior – Copa Sudamericana

Welcome back to South America’s version of Europa League, Noobites!   It’s the first leg of the Semifinal.  Brazil.  Colombia.   FIIIIGHT!!   RESULT:   Flamengo   2-1

10. Al Shamal vs. Al Shahaniya – Qatargas League

Is this truly one of the ten most important league games in the entire world for us, the newish American soccer fan?    Maaaaybe not.   But, strangely, there just weren’t a single league on the globe that offered a game that met Noob’s standard criteria for consideration.

Noob can’t tell you much (read: anything) about this league, other than it’s the second -highest league in Qatar.  But the match is 3^rd hosting 1^st place.

Noobstradamus has had a vision!   I was wandering the abandoned fort town of Zubarah in the district of Shamal.  The odds of finding a former shop or home with one of the famed pearls from the coast were slim.   An Utub man materialized in front of me, said there was no treasure left to be hunted there.  And that Al Shamal would get thumped 1-5.   Ouch.   Maybe I should’ve gone with the guy in the photo.   RESULT:   1-1

        Nope.  Wasn’t this guy.   My Bani Utbah guy was way cooler.

Today’s 10 most important matches to Track  for us – the newish American soccer fans – is highlighted again by the best from UEFA Champions League group stage.

Pods of four.  Each club plays six games.  The top two finishers move on to the Knockout Stage.  3rd placers are demoted to the ongoing Europa League.  These are some of the fifth of those six games to be played.

1. Juventus vs. Barcelona – UEFA Champions League

This has to be the top-heaviest Group.  Juve in 2^nd,  three points in back of Barcelona.  It’s almost or already mathematically guaranteed now that one of them will finish 1^st.  The visitors are this Group’s only side with a positive GD.   Barcelona will advance!  Juve still has to fend off FC Porto one point back.   RESULT:   0-0

  Top-heaviness, redefined

B.  Atletico Madrid vs. AS Roma – UEFA Champions League

This is the collectively second-strongest match today.  That said, Atletico didn’t win any of their four Group matches.  Amazingly, they could still win the Group, though they’re four points behind 2^nd place.  AS Roma is in 1^st by just a point.   Roma gives up first place to Chelsea.  But they’re still two points up on Atletico, and they get hapless Qarabag for their last Group match.   RESULT:   Atletico Madrid   2-0

3. Qarabag vs. Chelsea – UEFA Champions League

These two are in the same Group as entry #B above, 4^th and 2^nd place respectively.   The Azerbaijanis should get housed even on their own pitch.   RESULT:   Chelsea   0-4

   Biiihg government house in Baku!

4. FC Basel vs. Manchester United – UEFA Champions League

Man U is 4-0-0, already guaranteed to advance to the Knockout Stage.  Basel is tied for 2^nd on points, up big on GD tiebreaker with CSKA Moscow.   Which of these other two will advance out of this Group is perhaps the most intriguing question moving towards being answered today.   Swiss upset!!  They’re still just tied for 2nd with CSKA Moscow, but they also fave 0-0-5 Benifica for their final match.   RESULT:   Basel   1-0

5. Paris Saint-Germain vs. Celtic – UEFA Champions League

Celtic can finish no higher than 3^rd, get dropped into a Europa League slot.  PSG is in 1^st by three points over Bayern Munich.  The French hosts with not be hospitable.   Understatement, anyone?   RESULT:   PSG   7-1

   Perhaps he’s not with PSG

6. Toluca vs. Morelia – Liga MX

It’s the Liguilla!  A Review:  Like many Latin American countries’ leagues, this one’s year is split into two seasons.  The first half – the Apertura – just wrapped up it’s regular league games.  Now the top eight play a mini-tournament, the Liguilla.   The winner of this event and the winner of the team that wins the Liguilla after the second half – the Clausura – face off for the overall championship.

This is the First Round of the Apertura’s Liguilla.  Each pair of teams faces of in a two-legged tie (play two matches, home and away.  The lesser seed hosts the first leg.   #5 Toluca gets #4 Morelia here.   The hosts here are a weird case.  They scored a whopping 20 goals over their home games.   Yet they only managed four on the road.   RESULT:   Toluca   1-0

7. Tampico Madero vs. FC Juarez – Ascenso MX

Mexico’s second-tier league has its Apertura Liguilla first round already in the books.  This is event is going to continue to be REALLY competitive.  In league, the top dozen teams of 16 were separated by only eight points in the standings.  One could starve a mouse on the difference between these, the #3 and #2 seeds.   RESULT:   2-2

   “The Brave Crab”?   Alrighty then

8. Gremio vs. Lanus – Copa Libertadores

The final of South America’s version of Champions League is here!   This match is the first of two legs.  Quite unsurprising that Brazilian and Argentinian clubs are here.  Over the Knockout Stage – the last six matches – Gremio’s given up just one goal.  Lanus is just as good on paper overall though.  #2 and #3 seeds making for a worth Final.   RESULT:   Gremio   1-0

9. Australia vs. China – international women’s friendly

The Matildas are #6 ranked by FIFA and have won five in a row against quality competition (including the U.S. and Japan.  China’s ranked #13.   RESULT:   Aus   3-0

  Matilda – a traveler’s bag, in Australia

10. Cape Town City vs. Baroka – South Africa Premiere

This one was slated for yesterday, is now for today.  Noob isn’t posting much on it.  Baroka’s armadillo-beaver-looking mascot freaked me out.   Nope, it got played yesterday after all.   RESULT:   1-1

What do we want?  The ten most important soccer games to which to pay attention from perspective of the newish American fan!   What else do we want?   A smoother way to say to above!

Remember to check back to each day’s T2T to see the Results as well.

1. Columbus Crew vs. Toronto FC – MLS playoffs (ESPN, 8pm ET)

It’s the first leg of the MLS Cup semifinal round!  Only Atlanta was in #1 seed Toronto’s class all season when it came to offense.  #5 Columbus’ season goal differential was barely positive.  They win close or not at all.  Which side can control the pace?

Noob wonders how weird the fan situation is there in Ohio.  Every day, it’s looking more and more like the team might get moved to Austin.   RESULT:   0-0

B.  Houston Dynamo vs. Seattle Sounders – MLS playoffs (FS1, 9:30pm ET)

Merr!   The Management and I have nothing but disdain for Swamp Cities and their teams.   But thanks to the first ever hardcore soccer fan I ever met being a douchebag TA in college being a bandwagon Sounders fan, Noob loathes (#2) Seattle.

The #4 Dynamo play a bit of a quicker style than Seattle.  This could well be the more interesting game to watch .   RESULT:   Seattle   0-2

Seattle      .

Sevilla vs. Liverpool – UEFA Champions League

We’re still in the Group Stage, two matches to go for all clubs.  Groups of four teams playing double round robins to determine which two will advance to the Knockout Round of 32.  3^rd place teams will get dropped into the current Europa League.

Liverpool is in first and has already guaranteed themselves to finish no worse than 3^rd.  Sevilla is just a point, and finishing 1^st vs 2^nd might well matter for seeding/placement in the Knockout stage.  Even at home, noob suspects outgunned Sevilla would be happy with a draw.   Liverpool blows a 3-0 halftime lead!   Sevilla get a goal in the 93rd minute.   Liverpool will almost certainly still advance, but now winning the group is a question.   RESULT:   3-3

   Maybe Faramir has some faith in the Spaniards’ offense.

4. Shakhtar Donetsk vs. Napoli – UEFA Champions League

Napoli’s been playing famously this season Italy’s Serie A.  They’re falling apart in the international stage though.  They have to win both their remaining two games to have any chance of advancing.  Their Ukrainian hosts can’t do worse than 3^rd.   To finish 2nd, Napoli now need to beat last place Rotterdam in their last Group match, see Shakhtar Donestsk lose to Man City, and make up the two point GD.   RESULT:   0-0

5. Besiktas vs. FC Porto – UEFA Champions League

Turkish Besiktas can’t finish lower than 3^rd place now.   2^nd place Porto is four points behind them.  Staying ahead of German power RB Leipzig will be challenge enough for the Portuguese side.  They’ve had trouble defensively, giving up almost two goals per game.   The Turks will advance!   Porto is now tied with Leipzig, though ahead by two on GD.   RESULT:   1-1

  Tiny Germans are lurking!

6. Pachuca vs. Atlante – Copx MX

How is second-tier Atlante still alive for this Semifinal?!  They’re in dead last in Ascenso MX league. Pachuca finished just 12^th in Liga MX.  The winner of this one-off gets the privilege of getting decimated by #1 Monterrey in the Final.   RESULT:   Puchuca   2-0

7. Sydney FC vs. Adelaide United – Australian FFA Cup

It’s the final!  Sydney FC is the unquestioned powerhouse down under, and in 1^st place early in their current league season.  Adelaide is in 5^th place, a fair sight better than second-to-last the previous year.  Taking down the host Sky Blues would be an awfully big upset.   Hail to the victors, champions!   RESULT:   Sydney FC   2-1

    Forrest, why did you wait so long for the number seven?

8. Libertad vs. independiente – Copa Sudamericana

This is the first match of a two-legged Semifinal tie in South America’s equivalent of Europa League.  And it should be a dandy.  This being in Paraguay should give Libertad enough of a boost to fairly call this match even.  Argentinian Independiente may well be happy to play for a draw, then put Libertad away at their own place.   RESULT:   1-1

9. Saprissa vs. Santos – Costa Rica Premier

It’s getting toward the end of this league’s Apertura.  Both here have already qualified for the postseason Quadrangular, and event we’ll learn more about after the Clausura part of their year.  They’ll finish in 2^nd and 3^rd place no matter what happens today.   now slatted for 11/23

10. Cape Town City FC vs. Baroka FC – South Africa Premier

1^st place hosts 3^rd here.   CTC finished near the top of this league last season.  Baroka had to survive a relegation avoidance event just to stay in the Premier, so they’re a pleasant surprise.   The excel defensively, so the question is if the host can make it a wide open game.   RESULT:   1-1

  What the devil is that animal/catcher’s mitt?

Monday blues?   Let’s turn frowns upside down!  Don’t punch Noob, it’s just Relegation Monday!

Since it’s hard this day of the week to find ten “important” games in the league we most often cover, we spend much of the space on matches involving teams that are in positions to be Relegated.  If they remain where they are in their standings, they will get booted down a league.  Together, we learn a little about the teams that may not be around for us to Track much longer.

First, some non-Relegation action:

1. Brighton & Hove Albion vs. Stoke City – English Premier

Are you ready for some footbaaaaaaal?   I wonder who the English version of Hank Williams, Jr. would be?

9^th vs. 15^th in the only EPL game today.   B&H only scores at a goal a game, so it’s surprising even with good defense they’re at .500 on the year.   Stoke City can’t stop anybody.   RESULT:   2-2

   When asked who the Brit version of Hank WIlliams, Jr. might be, Staffer Dan-o came up with Robbie Williams.  Noob thinks before saying word one to this guy, Hank would punch his dumb face and forcefeed him a full fifth of straight Jack Daniels.  As favors.

B.  PAOK Salonika vs. Atromitos – Greek Super League

4^th hosts 2^nd in a match that’s really even better, as they’ve played one less match than most other clubs.    Both clubs are defensive stalwarts, so anything but 0-0 or 1-0/0-1 would be surprising.   Surprise!   RESULT:   Salonika   2-1

3. Persepolis vs. Padideh – Persian Gulf Pro League

They’re only about 1/3 of the way into the season, but 4^th place Padideh is substantially out of the top three.  These are the only slots that will get 2018 AFC Champions League berths.   The visiting Khorasaniha – named for Noob believes a synagogue there in Mashhad, Iran – need to shore up the defense.   RESULT:   0-0

  Khorasan Synagogue

And now, Relegation Monday!

4. Hellas Verona vs. Bologna – Italian Serie A

Noob wants to watch a match in Italia/ Gonna make my way to Stadio Bentegod-a/ B-e—n—t—a-goaad-ah./

Home side Bologna’s in 13^th place/ While the visitors are stuck in Relegation Zone-ah/ Hellas Verona.

Hellas Veroohh-nahhhh!  Duhn duhduh dah dunh duhnduhn…. *guitar riff*   RESULT:   Bologna   2-3

5. SC Amiens vs. Lille – French Ligue

It’s an almost unadulterated double feature!   Amiens is in second-to-last, in danger of being auto-dropped at season’s end.   Lille is only one spot above them.  Whichever club finishes there plays a match with the 3^rd place side from Ligue 2 to determine which plays top-flite the following year.

Amiens plays in a city of the same name, as they have for 116 years.  And this is their first time ever in Ligue 1!   The victors vault out of the Drop Zone, to 12th!   RESULT:   Amiens   3-0

6. Karabukspor vs. Kasimpasa – Turkey Super Lig

I don’t have a Kinks or other classic rock song for this one.  Sorry.  Contain your grief!  16th hosts 14^th here.

Karabukspor is “The Blue Flame“.  This is especially cool if you lean towards teams that identify as “workers’ clubs”.  The nickname comes from a local metalworks factory with a blue flame coming out a chimney that’s always burning.   RESULT:   Kasimpasa   0-2

7. Olimpo de Bahia Blanca vs. Godoy Cruz de Mendoza – Superliga Argentina

We’ve had Olimpo here before.   They still sit in the highest spot – most likely to climb out – in the Relegation portion of Argentina’s multi-year standings used to compute who gets the boot.

Fun fact:   Bahia Blanca is home to at least two large-canvas oil paintings by premiere “port painter” and one of Argentina’s all-time greats, Benito Quinquela Martin.   RESULT:   1-1

  Deep earth tones accented with those bright blues.  Eye-catching.

8. Avai vs. Palmeiras – Brazil Serie A

Avai is in 19^th place out of 20.  The one small thing they have going for them today is that the two teams above them in the Relegation zone have played one more game.  That said, they only have three left themselves.  And 3^rd place Palmeiras in town is anything but good news.

Avai is known as “The Lion of the Island”.  Most of their home city of Floriopolis is on Santa Catarina Island.   Upset!!   RESULT:   Avai   2-1

9. Voluntari vs. Vitorul Constata – Romania Liga I

Two or three teams will be dropped down from this league.  Voluntari isn’t as low as all that, but they are in the bottom half of the standings.  All those teams will be playing in a Relegation avoidance mini-tournament at season’s end.  VC – the defending champ – is in 5^th.

Pretty sure Voluntari is where the extra-evil vampire family from the “Twilight” saga is from.   RESULT:   0-0

   Those were the scariest documentaries Noob has ever heard tell of.

The Management interrupting here.   Where do I even begin?   1) Those are the Volturi.  2)  Documentaries?  Vampires??

Relax, The Management.  Noob just likes seeing you get worked up, showing off your tweener cinematic knowledge.

The Management:  You asshat.

Noob holds firm to the idea every live action movie ever made is based on real life.  It only makes sense!  Otherwise it would have to be animated.

10. Blooming vs. Universitario de Sucre – Bolivian Pro League

Universitario isn’t crapping the bed here in the Clausura.  But they did so poorly the first part of the season that they’re on last place on the league’s aggregate table.  They probably won’t get a goal against defensive-minded, 3^rd-place Blooming.   Great defense and no-offense collide!

The U’s nickname is “Los Doctos” – “The Learned”.   High and mighty ivory tower such and suches!  Enjoy getting the boot next year, ya’ snobs.   Turns out this one was played Sunday.   In any case, RESULT:   Blooming   4-0

   I spend more on hair and mustache gel then you can on food, plebes.

Ten league, international and Cup games – the most important for you and me, the newish American soccer fan – to Track.   Nine handled with the aplomb and professionalism Noobites have come to daily expect.

And then there’s Lithuanian #8…

1. Watford vs. West Ham United – English Premiere

9^th hosts 18^th.   Not the shiniest matchup fore a weekend, but the only one in the EPL today.   The Brits will all watch it, and so shall we Track it.

And it is of some importance.  Watford may not qualify for either Euro tournament next year, but a top half finish would be outstanding after they avoided Relegation by one standings spot last season.  Meanwhile, West Ham currently sit in the Drop Zone.   RESULT:   Watford 2-0

B.  Toluca vs. Tijuana – Liga MX

The final matches of the regular season are underway.  Toluca’s in 7th and in the Liguilla, but would climb to 4th with a win here.  Tijuana is just out of the running for the postseason, so it will be interesting to see if they show up.   RESULT:   Toluca   3-1

  Tijuana, post-riot

3. Santos vs. Gremio – Brazil Serie A

With three games to go in league, 2^nd place Santos has qualified for next year’s Copa Libertadores.  Things are a little tighter in the standings surrounding 4^th place Gremio.  They’re in line for a C.L. berth now, but could drop down to Copa Sudamericana if they finish on a skid.   RESULT:   Santos   2-0

4. PSV Eindhoven vs. PEC Zwolle – Dutch Eredivisie

This league sends just two clubs to Champions League next year.  The hosts here are in 1^st, and judging by GD, they (and 2^nd place Ajax) appear unlikely to be caught.   But it’s still early!   3^rd place Zwolle finished in 14^th last year, so the question is whether or not they can maintain.   Noob mixed up the home and away here.   RESULT:   Eindhoven   0-1

   Staffer Dan-o!   That bruh’s pecs may be “swoll”, but Noob said “PEC Zwolle”.

   Workman’s comp ain’t covering that, Staffer Dan-o.

5. Brondby vs. FC Nordsjaelland – Danish SAS-Ligaen

It’s a tight race with the top three from Denmark, and these are two of them (1^st and 3^rd).  Brondby has yet to lose at home this league season.   RESULT:   Brondby   4-2

6. FC Salzburg vs. SK Sturm Graz – Austrian Bundesliga

“The other Bundesliga” is another league with three teams way out front of all others.  2^nd hosts 1^st here.   Fun fact:   Sturm Graz was the first team to ever play top-flite Austrian football that wasn’t based in Vienna (1949).   Salzburg to first, with authoritaay!   RESULT:   Salzburg   5-0

7. Legia Warsaw vs. Gornick Zabrze – Poland Ekstraklasa

2^nd vs 1^st in a league Noob intends to get to know more.  We won’t let all the Z’s and other clunky consonants intimidate us.

Legia Warsaw’s entire northern stand at their stadium is known as the Zyleta.  This translates to “barbed wire”.   Fans who don’t obey a sort of general code of fanaticism in-game aren’t welcome.   Legia to 1st!   RESULT:   Warsaw   1-0

   At least the more violent part of the fans’ history seems to have been left behind in the 90’s.

8. Suduva vs. Zalgris Vilnius – Lithuana A Lyga

This league may only get one qualifier into the next UEFA Champions League, but what a final game it’s going to be to see who gets there!   Suduva’s up on ZV by just one point.  The visitors have to win to take the title.  But Noobstradamus has had a dark vision for this match…

I was skipping rocks from the Russian shore of Lake Vistytis one early foggy morn.  One stone that disappeared into the enshrouding haze found a target.   A man with a newly-bloodied forehead came rowing his tiny boat to shore, cursing me in Polish.  Yet I understood every vile world.

He was a cigarette smuggler!   Hardly uncommon here, trying to sneak in smoky-treats from Lithuania to sell on the black market.   His filthy mouth closed when we locked eyes.  He knew me, but didn’t.  The mark on his forehead began to throb and glow.  He said he came to me with long-known certainty that Suduva would win the league this day.  And that it would be his last.

He shuffled back to his boat and shoved off.  As he drifted into the mist, he set fire to all the cigarette bundles, and then lay himself atop the makeshift fire and silently died.   Noobstradamus suckcess!  Hail to the champions!   RESULT:   Suduva   3-0

       Noob was NOT at Grand Duke’s in Summit, Chicago, IL last night and did NOT partake in too much midus.  Didn’t happen.

9. Shanghai SIPG vs. Shanghai Shenhua – Chinese Fa Cup

It’s the final!   Despite being listed as home side, Shanghai Stadium is actually Shenhua’s home pitch.  They’ll likely need any advantage that might provide.  SIPG was the league’s goal-monster and finished 2^nd, while Shenhua muddled their way to 11^th place.   Upset!!   RESULT:   Shenhua   0-1

10. TP Mazembe vs. SuperSport – CAF Confederation Cup

It’s the final!   This is the African equivalent of Europa League.  The first match of this two-legged tie will be played in DR Congo.  Mazembe won this event last year, and did the same in the CAF Champions League just two years ago!   South African SuperSport may be in for a rough start here.   RESULT:   2-1

Ah, Saturday.  You delight with so many important and shiny European and Mexican league games!   You are a seductress.  A tramp.  A streetwalker.  Harlot!!

(Noober, focus!   The stomach flu is all in your head.  And stomach…OK.  Ten most important games from the newish American soccer fan perspective.  Go, team.)

1. Arsenal vs. Tottenham Hotspur – English Premiere

Noob’s great love are AFC Bournemouth (go, cherries!).   But Arsenal are a not-too-distant second, just for being the main rival for the e’ yahoos that are Tottenham.

Welcome to the North London Darby.  No quarter drawn or given!  Arsenal leads those-named-for-a-traitor 75-56 in wins.  Today will make #76.   The Gunners may be in 6^th to Hotspur’s 3^rd, but Arsenal shall.  Win.   Noobstradamus has had no vision.  I simply will this to be.    Ooooohhhhh to be a Gunner!   RESULT:   Arsenal   2-0

   Forever hallowed ground.  Die, Harry.

B.  Monterrey vs. U.A.N.L. – Liga MX

It’s the last game of the regular season and the battle for #1 is still on!   The challenger #2 Tigres are two points down to #1 Monterrey, so it’s win or settled for the second seed in the postseason Liguilla.  It’s hard to imagine them generating enough offense on the road against the league’s best defense.   RESULT:   Monterrey   2-0

  If you make it for the game, try the local cabrito (roasted goat kid).

3. Necaxa vs. Morelia – Liga MX

The Mexican undercard today is a dandy as well.  3^rd through 9^th place in the standings are separated by only two points.  #4 Morelia shouldn’t be able to fall all the way out of the top eight and postseason seeding could be about anywhere.   Necaxa is in a three-way tie for 7^th, so absolutely nothing is guaranteed for them.   Morelia climbs to 3rd and cannot now do worse than 4th.   No postseason for now-9th Necaxa.   RESULT:   Morelia   2-1

4. Atletico Madrid vs. Real Madrid – Spanish Premier

El Clasico loses no luster for these teams being merely tied for 3^rd.   Atletico get’s it done on defense.  Real performs about the same on the road as at home, so won’t be so easily shut down.   Or everyone might get shut down.   RESULT:   0-0

5. Al Hilal vs. Urawa Red Diamonds – AFC Champions League

We’ll return to Europe soon, but Noob can hold back no longer!   It’s the Final for Asia’s Champions League.

For newer Noobites, Urawa is basically the Tokyo equivalent of the New Jersey side of the NYC metro.  The Management and I have nothing but adoration.  Here out cry: Gym-Tan-Sushi!  They go to Saudi Arabia for the first leg of the tie.   Now can our boys take care of business at home?   RESULT:   1-1

  The Situation is Urawa’s biggest fan.  He’s down with gym-tan-anything.

6. AS Roma vs. Lazio – Italian Serie A

5^th hosts 4^th place in a very tight league race a dozen games into the season.   This is a strange one in that neither club has suffered a loss or draw -away from home-.  Does that mean advantage Lazio?   RESULT:   Roma   2-1

  Why is an eagle making off with that otherwise boring logo?

7. Paris Saint-Germain vs. Nantes – French Ligue 1

Nantes gets some Noob-love for sneaking into the top quarter of the league (5^th).   Enjoy it while it lasts, gentleman.   PSG is 10-2-0, and outscoring opponents at home better than 7:1.   RESULT:   PSG   4-1

8. Galatsaray vs. Istanbul Basaksehir – Turkey Super Lig

The home Lions finished in 4^th last year, earning a Europa league berth.  Now they lead the league, looking to settle for nothing less than 2018 Champions League.  Perennial power Istanbul is in 2^nd.   This was actually in Istanbul.   RESULT:   I.B.   5-1

  Catastrophically bad logo, even before thinking the color scheme is too Cleveland Brown-y.

9. Milsami Orhei vs. Sheriff Tiraspol – Moldova National Division

2^nd hosts 1^st.   Noob would still head to perhaps Europe’s poorest nation for it!   Fun fact:  “Strengthened hill”, “fortress”, and perhaps oddly, “deserted courtyard” are all meanings of the city name Orhei.   RESULT:   Sheriff   0-2

10. Al Masry vs. Al Mokawloon Al Arab – Egypt Premier

3^rd hosts 2^nd place here.   Al Masry is the more known name to Noob football-wise.  Mokawloon are “The Mountain Wolves”, though the name itself is simply from Arabic for the owning company’s name.   Al Masry   1-0

  Fair color scheme, but the two sports figures on blue look like government-issued directional signs.  Do more better.

Welcome, Noobites –  TGIGF!   Most days of the week, our efforts are laser-focused on the top ten most important worldwide games of the week for the new-ish American fan.

Friday’s are more lightly scheduled.   So we grab our bags, passports, and get Globetrotting on Fridays!   Noob’s gonna totally mess with your internal clock this go-round.

1. Atlas vs. Pachuca – Liga MX

Atlas is in a three-way tie for the 7^th, fighting for one of the last two of eight berths in the post season Liguilla.  Win this last regular season match and they’re in.  Well, almost guaranteed, unless 9^th place Cruz Azul can win their last one by some unholy number of goals AND Necaxa not win their final game.    This leaves Atlas in danger.  Two teams with a game left could pass them – Necaxa with a win or draw, and Lobos BUAP with a win.   RESULT:   1-1

B.  Kashiwa Reysol vs. Jubilo Iwata – J1 League

Just two or three games to go for this league, and they have no postseason.  And so congrats to Kashima Antlers on successfully defending their league title!   Still, there are games of importance in Japan today.

Kashiwa is tied for 4^th and ahead of 5^th on goal differential.   They’re two points behind 3^rd, and that’s the last slot to qualify for the 2018 AFC Champions League.   Jubilo is in 6^th and only one more point back.   Kashiwa moves to 3rd.   K.R.   1-0

   Noob heard a rumor they champs will be partying at the Robot Restaurant in East Shinjuku.

3. Yokohama F. Marinos vs. Cerezo Osaka – J1 League

These are the aforementioned 3^rd and 5^th place teams respectively.  They swapped places in standings.   RESULT:   YFM   4-1

4. FC Porto vs. Portimonense – Portuguese FA Cup

The Round of 32 continues.   Porto has yet to lose in league play.  In fact, only one team has even earned a draw on them.   The visitors?   3-3-5.

Noob is learning with these FA Cups, though, that it often comes down to how badly the club wants to win.   How many starters will each rest for their next league season matchups?   RESULT:   Porto   3-2

5. Stade de Reims vs. Paris FC – French Ligue 2

Longer-tenured football fans know that Reims is one of the great storied clubs in French history.  Noob, being Noob, just learned!   The last 30 years have been rough on them though.   Now, they stand in 1^st!  Paris FC is in 5^th, the last slot which will get a berth into a possible promotion-playoff at season’s end.   RESULT:   1-1

   And get some IKEA furniture, Reims.  Man.

6. Maribor vs. Olimpia Llubljana – Slovenia Prva Liga

Noob is now to a point where he can actually remember how to spell “Llubljana” and -almost- have the confidence to not double check it later.  Learningness!

12nd, 1st, and no one else is even close.  This matchup either was or still is referred to there as “The Eternal Derby”.  It’s unclear to Noob.  The newer incarnation of the Llubljana team, with which the Derby began, was not allowed to carry over official honors and such when the old one went away.

Where’s Staffer Dan-o, interblag researcher?   RESULT:   Maribor   1-0

7. US Monastir vs. CA Bizertin – Tunisia Ligue 1

These two are tied for 2^nd place, though the hosts have played two more games than their guests.  Only two get to next year’s CAF Champions League, and no one is likely to catch Esperance de Tunis for 1^st.

Monastir has a famous defensive structure, called a ribat.  It was used for, amongst other filmings, Monty Python’s “The Life of Brian”.   RESULT:   1-1

8. Eurocar vs. Sidekicks – Guam Soccer League

Other than that they are in 8^th and 10^th place, Noob can’t tell you much about these sides yet.  Staffer Dan-o’s too busy avoiding researching Slovenian soccer to start on any requests I may have regarding this Budweiser-sponsored league.   RESULT:   Eurocar   2-1

   You can’t get inoculated for Guamanian soccer fever

9. Hafia vs. Ashanti GB – Guinea Ligue 1

It’s 4^th versus 10^th place here.   The hosts play in the capital city of Conakry.   At least three of this league’s other teams also play there.

Noob’s read the population of the city is difficult to ascertain for some reason, and has seen population figures ranging from 1 to 12 million.  I wonder if this is because the capital proper is on Tombo Island, but the city has spread to and up the peninsula mainland.   RESULT:   Hafia   1-0

10. Waterhouse vs. Tivoli Gardens – Jamaica Premier

10^th place hosts 4^th in Kingston.  It’s early in this league’s season, but these clubs are about where they finished last year.

Waterhouse’s nickname is “Fire-House”.   Noob’s quick hit-googling didn’t yield a definitive answer on whether or not waterhouse is a name for a fire station in some parts of the world.   Let’s take one more try at finding Staffer Dan-o.   Misclick!   This game was actually played 11/5

   If you can fit a Macbook in there, get to work!