Soccernoob

The very best of Sunday’s matches, ten strong!  All for you, the newish American soccer fan.  Leagues, cup, New League! Despair and Nostalgia.  Noob brings it all home.

1. Monterrey vs. Morelia – Liga MX

Reminder:  Liga MX is currently in the Liguilla portion of its Apertura.  The first half of their 2017-18 league season is in the books, and now they play this mini-tournament to determine the champion.

This match is the second leg of a Semifinal.   Monterrey won 0-1 in Michoacan and now get to vanquish Las Monarcas at home in Guadalupe.  #4 Morelia earned a draw against #1 Monterrey in the regular season, but good luck besting that effort here in the playoffs.   Vanquished.   RESULT:   Monterrey   4-0

B.  AFC Bournemouth vs. Southampton – English Premier

There are just two games in the EPL today.   Neither pitted two teams competing for postseason berths.  Since Noob always Tracks at least one game from England whenever offered, we get my beloved Cherries!

Sweet, sweet Bournemouth may be in just 16^th place, but a win over #12 Southampton would jump them all the way to 11^th!   They’ve won four of their last five to get clear of the Relegation Zone.  But Southampton are 6-1-1 in recent games against Noob’s guys.  *gulp*   Bournemouth to 14th, Southampton to 11th.   RESULT:   1-1

Stop it, Bournemouth.  You’re freaking Noob out some.  

3. Wycombe vs. Leatherhead – English FA Cup

The Second Round (Proper) continues, and Noob’s harlot-red lipstick Minnow Watch alert light is flashing!

Wycombe wonders are from League Two, the fourth tier of the Brit soccer pyramid.  Leatherhead has our Cup hearts again today though, hailing from all the way down in the seventh-level Isthmian League Premier Division.  “Again”, because we Tracked them in both of their First Round matches against Billericay.  It’s not enough for Noob Adoption, but they’ve found the road.

Fun facts:  Leatherhead joined a league in 1909 called the Dorking and District.   Their home turf is called Fetcham Grove.  God bless the English, some stuff’s just cool, cute.   The favorites advance.   RESULT:   Wycombe   3-1

4. Sampdoria vs. Lazio – Italy Serie A

These two are in 5^th and 6^th place, and neither will make a jump with a win here.  But if either dreams of catching one of those top four slots and berth into next year’s Champions League, beating their fellow outsider would be a super start.

Lazio’s better on both sides of the ball, statistically, so Noobstradamus is calling this a road win for Le Aquile (“The Eagles”).   Noob prognostication success!   RESULT:   Lazio   1-2

 

 

Il calcio è delizioso.

5. Caen vs. Lyon – French Ligue 1

PSG has opened up a daunting ten-point lead in the table.  The real race is for 2^nd and 3^rd, the two other CL qualifying spots. Caen may be in 6^th, but their goal differential would indicate they’re unlikely to climb higher.  Lyon is in 3^rd.

Is it “on” or “in” the table?   Noob brings you the info, but we learn and wonder together, Noobites.   RESULT:   Lyon   1-2

 

Noob lives this.

6. Siroki Brijeg vs. Seljeznicar Sarajevo – Bosnia and Herzegovina Premier

B&H, it’s been so long!  We haven’t Tracked a match of yours since before Halloween.  How’s your govina?  It “herze”, you say?

The Management interrupting here.  The Management would like to apologize for that lame pun.  We try to have some standards here, but some people are more open to suggestions than others… Thank you for your attention.  You’re now returned to your regularly scheduled weirdness  – The Management

Noob’s not going to apologize to the likes of you, corner office swine.  I’m the talent, and I do as I will!

Ok, in fairness, that was a bad pun.  I’m sorry-jevo about that…  *ducks*

These two are tied for 2nd, just two points out of 1^st.   They vault into 1st!   RESULT:   Seljeznicar   1-2

7. Lillestrom vs. Sarpsborg – Norway FA Cup

It’s the Final!   No second leg to be played here, it’s one and done for the Cup.  Noob’s not certain if this is at a neutral site or not.  But the match is being played in Oslo, and Lillestrom’s barely more than 10 miles from there.

Winning this would be a nice salve for Lillestrom’s wounds.  They didn’t miss being Relegated out of the top league by much this year.  Sarpsborg finished 3^rd, good for a 2018 Europa League berth.   Hail to the surprise champions!!   RESULT:   Lillestrom   2-3

 

Norwegian Cup – meet Norwegian cupboard bed.

8. Botafogo vs. Cruziero – Brazil Serie A

The 38^th and final round of the season in this league is now on, and there are Copa Libertadores (think “Champions League”) berths yet to be finalized!  Forgive Noob for not placing the match higher on today’s Track, but I’m working more by world region than anything.

Cruziero is in 4^th.  They’re in like Flynn.  Botafogo is in 8^th, the very last spot that gets in.  There are -four- teams that realistically pass them if they lose.   Should they get a draw, Atletico Mineiro may pass them.  A win, of course, and they eke in.   Botafogo got passed by three teams!   They’re out for 2018 Copa Libertadores.  RESULT:   2-2

9. Herediano vs. Saprissa – Costa Rica Premier

Costa Rica’s action is pretty similar to Mexico’s in structure.  This league also just finished its Apertura.  But rather than a bracket-style tournament, the top four teams face off in the Quadrangular.  These are two of them.

They will play a double-round robin, and the team with the most standings points in this group…is NOT champion.  The winner of the Q plays the Apertura’s 1^st place finisher for the title.  Unless the same team wins both (Herediano?).  Then they’re already the champs, and it’s spotted rooster for everyone!   RESULT:   Saprissa   0-1

10. Kerala Blasters vs. Mumbai City – India Super League

Hello, and welcome to the Track, India!   Your league system is weird and wonderful.  Noob will make introductions.

India’s top domestic league is I-League, not Super League.  Super League is ten teams made up of players from the I-League and State Leagues, put together for world promotional purposes.  Noob’s not sure why India’s federation wouldn’t just promote I-League, but we’ll take more football any way we can get it.

This match features last season’s #2 and #1 clubs.  Fun fact:  The club nickname comes from one of their owners – a former cricket player nicknamed “Master Blaster”.   RESULT:   1-1

You’ve never seen these two in the same room.   Coincidence??

   

The World Cup draw has been announced!  And Noob will weigh in soon enough.  But we have the joy of perusing Saturday’s ten very best games from the perspective we share – that of the newish American fan’s perspective.

Today’s reminder:  Check back later on any 10 to Track to see results.

1.  Monterrey vs. Pachuca – Copa MX (FA Cup)

The Final!  No neutral site here, league #1 Monterrey gets to play for the title on their own turf in Guadalupe.  Somehow. Pachuca has had the seemingly easier path here, despite finishing 12^th in the Apertura standings.  They give up over twice as many goals as their hosts.  This may get muy feo.   But not for a bit!   This one’s now listed as 12/21

B.  U.A.N.L vs. America – Liga MX

This match is part of the Liguilla, not the FA Cup referenced above.  The top teams from this league’s last half-season, the Apertura, face off in this mini-tournament.   This is Leg 2 of the Semifinal.  #2 UANL beat #3 America 1-0 on the road in the first match.   On, UANL!   RESULT:   UANL   3-0

 

FC AmericaS, or FC Western Hemisphere more like it.  Can Noob start a team called FC Planet Earth?

 

3.  Arsenal vs. Manchester United – English Premier

Noob’s not certain 4^th place Arsenal has the defense to remain there.  Man Utd is in a class by itself for scoring.  They’re much better than the rest of the league, except for Man City.  Man City is much better than everyone.   RESULT   Man Utd   1-3

3. 4.  Fleetwood Town vs. Hereford – English FA Cup

Fleetwood!!!   Noob does not care that Fleetwood Mac is from London and not Fleetwood, Lancashire.  You must go down!  Just thinking about Stevie Nicks opening her mouth to let sound out raises my ire!   That Ethel Merman-esque vibrato has no place in a universe with an omnibenevolent God.  This musical version of the philosophical Problem of Evil makes Noob crazy!  CraziER…

Um, right!  Footyball.   Fleetwood is a mid-pack League One (tier three) squad.  Hereford is a pretty darn good side for seventh-tier.  Our Minnow Watch visitors are known as “The Bulls”, named for the Hereford cattle breed.   They’ll have to replay this one, but with accursed Fleetwood on the road this time – muahahaha.   RESULT:   1-1

 

 

Was this referenced in Dante’s Inferno?

 

 

5.  Atletico Madrid vs. Real Sociedad – Spanish Premier

Atletico and Real Madrid are tied for 3^rd place, in another league that sends four to the C.L.  Real Sociedad sits in 7^th, one spot out of even Europa League qualification.  They have almost the worst defense of anyone in the top 2/3 of La Liga.   RESULT:   Atletico Madrid   2-1

6.  Bayer Leverkusen vs. Borussia Dortmond – German Bundesliga

Dortmond started the season like a house afire, but have slid to 5^th place.  They haven’t won a match since a week before Halloween.  They’re unmatched on offense, but give up goals now like a sieve.  Can Leverkusen pass them as well?  They’re just a spot back in the table.   Dortmond struggled yet again.   Leverkusen lost a man to a red card in the first half when up 1-0, and Dortmond still coudn’t secure a victory.   RESULT:   1-1

 

 

To Germans, this is probably one serious zinger. 

 

 

 

7.  Besiktas vs. Galatsaray – Turkey Super Lig

Defending league champ Besiktas is in 4^th.  Their scoring is WAY down.  Galatsaray, meanwhile, has the league’s best offense AND defense working.  This league only gets two Champions League berths.   Welcome back, Besiktas!   RESULT:   Besiktas   3-0

8.  Ferencvaros vs. Videoton – Hungary NB 1

Noob has perhaps been lax in his coverage duties.   Apologies, Hungary.   But now you bring us #2 hosting #1.  You have our attention.  The visitors have a whopping 40 goals in just 17 games.

Noob thinks their name sounds like a cheap video rental store.  Do those even exist anymore?   RESULT:   Ferencvaros   3-1

 

 

If so, no doubt one can rent the third, direct-to-video installment from this series there. 

 

 

9.  Ulsan Hyundai vs. Busan I’Park – Korean FA Cup

It’s Leg 2 of the final!   Good on Busan – a division two team – for making the Final, but their hopes are looking dim.   They dropped the first Leg 1-2, and now have to try and make a comeback on the road against an excellent top-flight team.   Congrats on the Cup title!    The draw was all you needed today.   RESULTL:   0-0

10.  Holstein Kiel vs. Fortuna Dusseldorf – 2. Bundesliga

The top two teams from Germany’s second division both automatically qualify for promotion to top flight next season.  These two are #1 and #2 respectively.  Classic face off here, as Dusseldorf is the league’s best defense and Kiel scores the most goals.

And yes, this is the second sub-entry today with a cattle name.   RESULT:   2-2

 

cattlenoob .com?

Welcome to the Friday Globetrotting edition of T2T, your soccer-coverage G6.  You get to keep your shoes on, remain unfrisked, and you can even bring jumbo toothpaste tubes.  Go nuts.

Noob’s standard mission is to bring us the ten best games from all of soccerland.  Friday’s tend to be a little light, so we go in search of less-heralded teams, leagues and locales for our fix.

Today’s reminder:  If terms are unfamiliar, check out the ‘Vocab, Noob-Style’ page.

As always, we ease in with some familiar faces and places first:

1. AFC Fylde vs. Wigan Athletic – English FA Cup

The Second Round (Proper) gets underway today!   Fylde is from Lancashire County and plays in the fifth tier National League, where they’re having a so-so season at best.   Wigan is a name Noob vaguely remembers from his youth, their halcyon days of Premier.  They’re 3^rd place in third-tier League One.   No AET or PK on the first try in this event.  They will play again, at Wigan.   RESULT:   1-1

B.  Napoli vs. Juventus – Italy Serie A

#1 vs. #3 in one humdinger of a matchup.  Napoli is sets the bar for defense, whole Juve is the opposite.  Strange, Juventus is the club that was known for D last season.   Juve jumps to 2nd!   RESULT:   Juve   0-1

3. Porto vs. Benifica – Portuguese Liga

The historically great Big Three in Portugal are at it again.  These two hold the first and third spots on the table.  They’re all fairly equal on paper, but Porto gives up less than a goal every other game on average.   RESULT:   0-0

4. Al-Wehdat vs. Al-Jazeera – Jordan Premier

The hosts play in Amman New Camp, a Palestinian refugee camp that was formed about 70 years ago.   It’s the second-largest in the world at over 50,000 people.  It’s early in the football season there, but this pits 2^nd versus 3^rd places.   RESULT:   Wehdat   2-0

5. Al Ahli vs. Al Hilal – Saudi Premier

It’s no surprise to see these two in the top two spots in the standings.  Hilal are the defending league champs.  Though they trail #1 Al Ahli by four points, they’ve also played three fewer league games so far this season because of international play.   Realistically, these two are in a dead heat.

Fun fact:  Neither of these two has ever been relegated to a lower division.   Noob has the home and away mixed up.   RESULT:   Al Hilal  2-0

6. Gandzasar vs. Alashkert – Armenia Premier

Alashkert is a name more tenured-Noobites will recognize, as they appeared in Champions League this year.  The defending league champs have an even bigger margin this year than they finished with last season  over then-and-now 2^nd place Gandzasar.

Gandzasar translates to “treasure-mountain”, and their small city of Kapan is a hot spot for mining non-ferrous metals.   RESULT:   Gandzasar    1-0

Charlie Sheen as non-Ferris metalhead?  Maybe just more straight rock n roll rebel.

7. Saif vs. Farashganj – Bangladesh Premier

It’s 4^th hosting 12^th.  Only one team will qualify from this league into next year’s AFC Champions League.  That’s the kind of ground we cover on Fridays!  The top three are pulling away from Saif.  Three points over their last-place guests is a must.   RESULT:   2-2

8. Ouagadougou vs. Santos – Burkinabe Premier (Burkina Faso)

9^th hosts last place in a league Noob also finds referred to as the “1ere Division”.

At the turn of the century in Ouaga, a one-time sacred forest that had been turned into an urban park by the French colonialists, was renamed “Bangr-Weoogo”.  This translates to “the urban park of the forest of knowledge”.   RESULT:   0-0

9. Laos vs. Philippines – international friendly

FIFA-ranked #184 hosts #118.   The Laos men’s national team has lost their last three games by a cumulative 11-1 score, to powers like Macau.   But this is the first one they’ve played at home in a while.

10. Taiwan vs. Timor-Leste – international friendly

FIFA-ranked #134 hosts #196.   East Timor has the distinction of being the first U.N.-recognized new sovereign state of the 21^st century (2002)!  Previously, they had been a province of Indonesia, and before that a colony of Portugal.

Belated “welcome” from and to Noob, East Timor!

 

 

It’s a Cup kind of day for the 10 most important games to follow, fellow newish American soccer fans!  We lead off with, footyball- Amuricuhn style.

1. Seattle Sounders vs. Houston Dynamo – MLS playoffs

It’s the Semifinal Noob loves to hate!  Second leg.

To recap:  The first hardcore soccer fan I ever met was a T.A. at my school.  He was a vainglorious douchebag.   And he is all about Sounders, and a bandwagon asshat to boot, not being from there.  Then we have Houston, a city hated on the The Management’s principle that Cities built on Swamps are worthy of our scorn.  Noob concurs.

Even as the higher seed and at home, Noob doesn’t think Seattle is much better than the Dynamo.  But Seattle has a 2-0 lead from the first match, and that changes everything.   Houston’s defense isn’t spectacular.  Noob sees Seattle scoring multiple counterattack goals even as they try to take the air out of the ball.   Houston controlled the ball a shade more of the time, yet Sounders win!   This sets up a rematch of last years MLS Cup Final between them and Toronto.   RESULT:   Seattle   3-0

B.  Atletico Junior vs. Flamengo – Copa Sudamericana

Your Semifinal undercard comes from South America’s version of Europa League.  The winner of this two-legged tie gets Argentinian Independiente in the Final.  Unsurprisingly, it’s likely to be a Brazilian club.  Junior won 1-2 at the Ecuadorian’s place.  Given just the one-goal margin, Noob’s instinct is that Brazil won’t sit on that lead, will pound the Ecuadorian’s with shots.   Noob for mixed up.   it was Flamengo who had been up 2-1 from the first match.   They advance.   RESULT:   Flamengo   0-2

 

Noob would’ve had to imbibe this hard to likely get through one ep.

3. Villareal vs. Ponferradina – Spanish Copa del Rey (FA Cup)

Welcome back to Spain’s FA Cup Round of 32.  Two-legged ties get played here, and lowly tier-three Ponferradina leads Primera side Villeareal 1-0 on aggregate.  How, Noob asks?  They’re having a bad league season even in that league!

Before they get bushwhacked on the road, let’s get to know them.   Their town – Ponferrada – translates to “iron bridge”.   It is completely surrounded by mountains.  Despite this, and confusingly to Noob, it is gaining popularity as a tourism site by being along the Way of St. James pilgrimage path.   RESULT:   Villareal   3-0

4. Udinese vs. Perugia – Coppa Italia (FA Cup)

They play mostly one-offs in this event.  Udinese is a so-so Premier team, and Perugia is a middling tier-two team.  Perugia does have some history though.  In 1978-79, they finished 2nd in the top league.  They didn’t lose a single match!   Must have had a lot of draws to not win the title.   Not a typo.   RESULT:   Udinese   8-3

 

Oh I know my name is Simon!  And I like to do drawr-rings .

5. Zulte-Waregem vs. Club Brugge – Belgian Cup (FA Cup)

No Minnow Watch for this FA Cup.  All 16 top league teams won their previous rounds’ matches.  This one pits the league 10^th place side against #1.   RESULT:   Brugge   2-3

6. Rudes vs. Lokomotiva – Croatian Cup (FA Cup)

This is the first leg of a two-legged Quarterfinal.  Rudes stands 10^th in the league table to Lokomotiva’s 6^th.  The visitors play in Zagreb, where powerhouse Dinamo Zagreb also is.  They serve unofficially as a feeder team for them, even now that they are in the same league, and the relationship is not a popular one.   Lokomotiva   1-2

7. Young Boys of Bern vs. St. Gallen – Swiss Cup (FA Cup)

This is a Quarterfinal one-odd.  Noob doesn’t Track St. Gallen much, but we may seem more of them soon.  They’ve risen to 4^th place in the Superleague there.  But as far as this event, well, YBB is #1.   RESULT:   YBB   2-1

8. Kars 36 Spor vs. Genclebirligi – Turkey Cup (FA Cup)

HERE is your Minnow Watch, Noobites!   Gencle is a Super Lig team, but should probably outgun the home side in both this and the away leg.   After all, Karsspor is from the -7^th– level of the soccer pyramid there, a regional amateur team!   May your stay be long, fellas.  Though it won’t.   RESULT:   Gencle   1-2

Karsspor, Noob simply must know who you’re wearing- that crest is sensational!

9. Santa Fe vs. jaguars – Colombian Premier

It’s the First Round of the postseason for this league, with #2 seed hosting #8, first leg.   RESULT:   Santa Fe   4-1

10. Juticalpa vs. Real Espana – Honduras Premier

It’s the postseason for the Apertura – the first half-season.  This is a Quarterfinal between the #5 and #4 seeds.   RESULT:   Real Espana   2-3

 

It feels to Noob like a picture of your    own country would be less strange on there.

It is Noob’s greatest pleasure to daily bring you the ten most important games to Track, for you and me, the newish American fans.   It would be my second-greatest pleasure, but the leftover turkey from Thanksgiving isn’t holding up well for sammich-purposes.   Let. There. Be.  Soup!

Don’t forget Noob updates the previous T2T entries with Results!   Even Guamanian league results, though they usually take days to get to me.  Grumble Guam grumble grumble.

1. Toronto FC vs. Columbus Crew – MLS playoffs

We had to wait eight days for the continuation of this two-legged Semifinal, good LAWD!  Perhaps we’ll be treated to a goal this time?   The Crew would certainly like to see it not turn into a shootout.  Slower, more defensive play falls right into their hands.   We got one!   More specifically, Toronto did.  To the Cup final!   RESULT:   Toronto   1-0

B.  Lanus vs. Gremio – Copa Libertadores

It’s the final Final!  More accurately, leg two of the Final.  Copa Libertadores = Champions League.  Brazilian Gremio lead 1-0 after the first match.  Argentinian Lanus is a very little bit better on paper, so they have a real chance of overcoming at home.

Noobstradamus has had a horrifying vision!  I was swimming the Logoa dos Patos.  This, in itself, is odd.  It’s very, very deep – navigable by the biggest river ships.  But instead of ships, there were giant namesake patos (ducks!).   They encircled Noob menacingly, swimming faster and faster until a massive whirlpool was formed.   Down, down Noob went.  “Why, patos, why??”   “The city will no longer be Porto Alegre, but Porto Triste!” they quacked.

Effing ducks.   That’s not an answer.  But Gremio will lose, I know now.  Sadness will reign there.  Lanus wins 3-1.   Noob fail!    Gremio are your 2017 South American champions!   RESULT:   Gremio   1-2

 

And now on land??  Noob will never trance-sleep again.

3. Arsenal vs. Huddersfield Town – English Premiere

All the EPL games today look like mismatches in the standings.  This one looked better a couple games back, but Huddersfield got absolutely walloped at Noob’s Bournemouth Cherries (huzzah!) before dropping a home match to Man City (not shameful).

Arsenal, meanwhile, is one of four teams vying hard for 3^rd place, at the moment.  They must hold serve on matches like these if they want to hang on to a 2018 Champions League berth (top four).   Serve was certainly held.  RESULT:   Arsenal   5-0

4. Chesterfield vs. Manchester City EDS – EFL Trophy

Your Brit undercard!   A reminder: This event is a Cup tournament featuring the third and fourth tiers of the English soccer pyramid, plus many of the top two leagues’ youth teams.   Groups of four are all vying for two spots each in the next Round.

These two are in 3^rd and 4^th, but the top two in their Group have already played their third and final Group Stage game.  The standings are tight, so it comes out like this.  If either team wins, they finish in 2^nd and survive.  If they tie, they’re both out.   BOTH teams scored in the 90th minute!   The home side prevails on penalties.   RESULT:   Chesterfield   2-2 / 4-3 pk

5. Nantes vs. AS Monaco – French Ligue 1

The French top league doesn’t run five teams deep for legit contenders.  Can #5 Nantes prove Noob wrong?  Likely not against #2 Monaco, but at least they have home pitch advantage.   Upset!!   RESULT:   Nantes   1-0

 

What the actual– Noob’s blaming this on a “dark web virus”…

6. Atletico Madrid vs. Elche – Spanish Copa del Rey     

Elche hails from the Segunda Division B – the third tier of Spanish football.   They were impressive enough in getting a 1-1 draw against Atletico.  But at home, the Primera team will likely do bad, bad Primera team-things to Elche.  This is Round of 32 action.   RESULT:   A.M.   3-0

7. Chievo Verona vs. Hellas Verona – Coppa Italia (FA Cup)

Well, at least Verona will be represented in the Round of 16!  Someone have to win this one-off.   Probably Chievo.  HV stinks.  But then again, can one trust…   More upset!   RESULT:   Hellas   1-1 / 4-5 pk

 

 

…the Flying Donkeys! No joke, Chievo’s mascot. Maybe not this particular one.

8. Urawa Red Diamonds vs. Kawasaki Frontale – J1 League

Noob and the Management are soooo excited over Urawa’s AFC Champions League title!   It would be understandable if they were literally a/o figuratively hungover for this match.   In 7^th place and only two games to go, Urawa won’t finish high enough to qualify for the 2018 CL, sadly.

Kawasaki, meanwhile is in 2^nd already guaranteed a berth.  The question remaining is will they fall to 3^rd and not get bye’d into right to that event’s Group Stage.   RESULT:   Kawasaki   0-1

 

 

Thanks, Urawa unofficial mascot, The Situation! And congrats. Noob just heard MTV is re-launching “Jersey Shore”, and with the original cast!

9. Busan I’Park vs. Ulsan Hyundai – Korean FA Cup

The Final!   But will it be competitive?  Busan is from the second-tier league in South Korea, and not even doing well there.  Ulsan is a top four top flight league squad.  This is the first leg of the tie.   RESULT:   Ulsan   1-2

10. Vozdovac vs. Partizan Beograd – Serbia Super Liga

2^nd vs. 4^th here.  Despite the seeming closeness that might indicate in the standings, they are not close.  This is a two-team league at the top.  All others are chum.  “The Dragons” would likely be pleased with even a mere draw on their own turf today.   RESULT:   PB   0-1

Not quite right…

Yet you ARE a very convincing dragon, Owen.  You should feel good about that.

Relegation Monday was thrilling and spicy!   But now it’s time to get back to Tracking the ten truly most important matches of the day, for YOU! – the newish American soccer fan.

We’ll start with some league and international action, then get into FA Cups.  For the rawest Noobites, those are nations’ tournaments that involve teams from deep, deep into their lower leagues, all the way up to their top-flight leagues.   Part of the fun is looking for Minnows, non-premiere clubs that are advancing perhaps much further than they really should.

To arms!

1. Watford vs. Manchester United – English Premier

While the season is only about 1/3 in the books, Man City already has a staggering lead over #2 Man U.  To have any hope of catching them, they need to pull off road wins against decent competition like Watford.  The hosts here have actually been better on the road this season, strangely.  Can they score at all on their home pitch against the EPL’s best defense?   Not enough!   RESULT:   Man Utd   2-4

 

They need to take their nightmarish crest aminal and get out of here

B.  Bordeaux vs. St. Etienne – French Ligue 1

Full disclosure:  When Noob first scouted this game, it looked a little more important to this league’s standings.   But Bordeaux has suddenly fallen into the bottom half of the standings.  St. Etienne fell a notch to 8^th, too, from where I first targeted them.

What ha-happened?  These teams have gone a combined 11 straight matches without a win.  It’s understandable regarding Bordeaux.  They’ve simply run into the tough part of their schedule.   St. Etienne’s skid is more surprising.  They got drubbed by #2 Lyon and lost to 7^th place Montpelier, but otherwise have faced weak competition.

The answer of why seems to be the same for both: defense.  They’ve now both given up more goals than any teams outside the bottom few in the Ligue.   Just by being at home, Bordeaux is more likely to right their ship first here.   Bordeaux back up to 9th!   RESULT   Bordeaux   3-0

3. Canadia vs. Norway – international women’s friendly

Noob had the home and away mixed up.   RESULT:   Canadia   2-3

   Why not?  The fellas seem on quite good terms.

3. Yeovil Town vs. Plymouth Argyle – EFL Trophy

A reminder of what this event is:  A Cup tournament for League One and League Two, the third and fourth tiers of English football.  Also invited are the youth teams affiliated with teams from the top two tiers.

This event is wrapping up its Group Stage.  Pods of four have been competing in just single round robins, with the top two finishers advancing.   Yeovil – a Noob fave! – is having a poor year in League Two.  But they lead this Group, and even a draw would see them survive.   P.A. plays a league up, but their season has been dismal.   On, Yo-Ville!   RESULT:   Yeovil   2-1

5. Malaga vs. Numancia – Spanish Copa del Rey (FA Cup)

Welcome to the Round of 32!   Copa del Rey moves to  two-legged ties at this stage of the tournament – each pair of teams plays home and away to determine which advances.

Numancia is well up in the standings of Spain’s Second Division.  Malaga might get demoted there from Premier at season’s end the way things have gone for them.  And the visitors are ahead 1-2 on aggregate – Minnow Alert!   RESULT:   1-1

   You thought Amuricuh had a monopoly on history reenactment dorks?   Numancia, ho!

6. Leganes vs. Real Valladoid – Spanish Copa del Rey (FA Cup)

Welcome back to T2T, Valladoid!   You’re looking spiffy.   Um, we met during the Third Round?  You put this really hot beatdown on Cultural Leonesa.   You’re welcome, sure.   Yeah, no, I understand.  You must meet a soooo many non sequitur comedy/sports writers.  Noob can’t imagine how hard it is to keep us all straight!    Hahaha.   Sure.  OK, um, yeah, nice talking to you!   Enjoy the Cup…

Eff me sideways, that was awkward.   You think you make an impression.  Valladoid couldn’t have picked Noob out of a crowd of two as someone they’d ever met.  Still, they’re just treading water in the Second Division middle.  Maybe if they can overcome their 2-1 deficit to Premier Leganes, Noob can make a move on them next Round.

Oh, who is Noob kidding.  Valladoid is out of my league!   *grabs a glass of champagne in each fist as a shocked waiter walks by*    Yes, I AM going to make a scene!   You don’t know what Noob goes through.

Hey, now, let’s not get security involved.  Fellas.   Oh dear…   Goodbye, you sweet heartbreakers, Valladoid.   RESULT:   Leganes   0-1

7. Cagliari vs. Pordenone – Coppa Italia (FA Cup)

This one is in its Fourth Round.  In this FA Cup, the games are one-offs, no two-legged ties (except the Semifinals, oddly).  The winners of each of this Round’s matches advance to face the waiting top eight Serie A teams from last year’s league standings.

Pordenone is the last, best Minnow left here, the only representative from Serie -C-.  They’re not even doing too well in that league. Yet here they stand!  They face off against a middling Serie A side here.  Upset!!  The Minnow Watch is on.   RESULT:   Pordenone   1-2

   Looks like an overhead view of a bicycle helmet

8. Oostende vs. St. Truiden – Belgian FA Cup

All 16 teams from Belgium’s top league won their matches last round, so it’s just a league tourney now.  No Minnows.

Oostende got the draw they needed, getting to host this one-off.  They’re in 12^th in the Jupiler League, while St. Truiden is in 4^th.   The hosts haven’t dominated at home, but St. T. has been about the worst road team there.   RESULT:   Oostender   2-0

9. Gornick Zabrze vs. Chojniczanka Chojnice – Polish Cup (FA Cup)

This is the third time recently we’ve tracked Ekstraklasa leader Zabrze.  Don’t worry, Noob’s not going to approach them, risk a repeat of the Valladoid Affair above.  They lead this two-legged Semifinal 3-1.

Besides, Noob only has eyes for second division I Liga 1^st place Chojniz….Choczack….Chojni!   Let’s go with Chojni.   Scott Baio, Noob hardly new ye.   RESULT:   Zabrze   3-0

   Noobie loves Chojni…

[credit to Staffer Dan-0, “The Intern-o Inferno”, on the impeccable artwork]

10. Independiente vs. Libertad – Copa Sudamericana

South America’s version of Europa League rolls on!  The Argentinian hosts are down to the Colombian side 0-1 after the first Semifinal match.   Noobstradamus can shake today’s love monkey off his back long enough to do some prognosticating, predict that Independiente will overcome the deficit and advance to the Final.  1-0, and then take it in penalty kicks 4-2!   More dominant than Noob thought!   Advancing –  RESULT:   Independiente   3-1

   The only thing better than my divinations is my luxurious hair and beard.

Longer-tenured Noobites will please forgive the repetition.   We’re here for the “newish American soccer fan”, and together we can edu-muh-cate ourselves into surprisingly knowledgeable fans of the world game.

Monday is the day we take a break from trying to find the “ten best games to Track from the newish American fan” perspective.  The biggest leagues just don’t schedule much.  We use the opportunity to also look at games involving teams at the bottoms of their leagues, teams that might get Relegated to lower leagues at seasons’ ends.

First, there are some “important games” to peruse:

1. Palmeiras vs. Botafogo – Brazil Serie A

Palmeiras is in 4^th and gets a birth in next year’s Copa Libertadores.  Botafogo, however, is in 8^th place, one slot out of CL qualification.  They’re just a point behind two teams.   Even a draw would put them ahead of 7^th place Vasco de Gama on goal differential.   RESULT:   Palmeiras   2-0

   Isn’t that where “MacGruber” opened at the box office?

B.  America Cali vs. Atletico Junior – Colombia Premier

Like many Latin American nations’ leagues, this one’s is split into two halves.  While those halves are usually called Apertura (“opening”) and Clausura (“closing”), Colombia calls their second one Finalizacion.

The latter just finished, and the top eight finishers are starting their postseason event, the Knockout Phase.   The winner will play the club that one that Apertura’s Knockout Phase.   This model holds true for most Latin leagues.  So #6 seed hosts #1 here.  There’s enough of a gap between them in the regular season standings to safely call Junior the favorite here, even playing on the road.   RESULT:   0-0

3. Beitar Jerusalem vs. Hapoel Be’er – Israel Premier

This one will come down to pace control.  The 4^th place hosts are the offensive power of the league so far this year, while 2^nd place Be’er wins with defense.   RESULT:   2-2

   No, it’s Be’er.  Punctuation matters, beer shill.

4. France vs. Sweden – women’s international friendly

The seeming lack of parity in the women’s game makes FIFA-ranked #4 versus #11 feel like a gross mismatch.  Noob hopes he is wrong or that this is changing.   RESULT:   0-0

And now…the suckitude!

5. Atalanta vs. Benevento – Italian Serie A

Welcome back to Relegation Monday, Benevento!   How’s it going?  Still no wins or draws on the season?  Maybe Noob shouldn’t bring up such a sore point.

Last time we Tracked last place Benevento, they were losing to second-to-last place Hellas Verona.  Atalanta has fallen back to the pack, 12^th place, after a surprising 4^th last year.   RESULT:   Atalanta   1-0

  Cut someone’s head off!!

6. SKA-Khabarovsk vs. Lokomotiv Moscow – Russian Premier

The hosts here are in last place as well, though at least they’ve earned points.  They’re unlikely to earn anything but a whipping if they open the doors to let #1 Lokomotiv in.

Khabaovsk is a city of a half million and change in the far east of Russia, not 20 miles from the Chinese border.  This is their first ever season in the country’s Premier league.   RESULT:   Lokomotiv   1-2

7. Temperley vs. San Martin de San Juan – Superliga Argentina

Our streak of last-place teams continues with Temperley.  That said, they’re not at the bottom of the four-team group that will get Relegated at season’s end.  This league uses multiple years’ results to determine who gets shunned.  Temperley are third-to-last in that department.

Temperley are from the greater Buenos Aires area.  They are known as Celeste (“the light blues”) and “gasolero”.   Noob’s Spanish is more than rusty, but isn’t that “gas station”?   Upset!!   RESULT:   Temperley   1-0

   No.  I am Noob.  In all languages.

8. AEK Athens vs. Platanias – Greek Superleague

More last place, please!   Asked and answered, thanks, Platanias.   Their goal differential is so bad it might get a parental belt buckle beating.  At least #4 AEK is a defensively-oriented team that might leave them a quantum of pride.

Platanias is from the island of Crete.   Their first uniforms ever were made from Nazi flags stolen from a German warehouse.  They’ve kept the red ever since.   RESULT:   AEK   1-0

9. Petrojet vs. El Raja Marsah Matruh – Egypt Premier

Last place, table for one?  We’re ready to see you.   El Raja has a goal differential nearly 3x worse than the next sadsackiest club.

   Courtney, chill.  Have some wine.

10. General Diaz vs. Rubio Nu – Paraguay Premier

Rubio Nu breaks our streak!   10^th place of 12 teams on the year, and not the worse of the two teams likely to be getting the boot based on multi-year aggregate results.  RN fields the worst offense in the league.  Good thing they’re not playing the side sporting the best defense.  Oh wait.   RESULT:   0-0

   Noob admits to Mitt-ing it there.

Propers out to The Baltimore Kings, a non-league independent pro team that is following Noob at soccernoobUSA on the Twitter box.   We’re excited you have found us, and hope you find getting a daily fix of the filtered “ten best soccer games for the newish American fan” (and other features) dreamy and satisfying.

To that end, let’s dig into Sunday’s best!

1. Burnley vs. Arsenal – English Premiere

The top five EPL teams qualify for a Euro League (Champions, Europa).  These two are just barely outside-looking-in.  7^th hosts 6^th.   Arsenal is simply putrid on the road, so maybe the host Clarets can climb on notch on the ladder.   That’s fine, Arsenal, you can let Noob motivate you to victory.  Swag?   RESULT:   0-1

B.  Valencia vs. Barcelona – Spanish Premier

Valencia’s like the girl at the ten-year high school reunion who traded braces and some excess weight for a sense of style.  “Is that really you?  I can’t believe it.  You just look so different – I mean, uhm, you look great, you look sooo great!”

She may have been just 12^th place last year, but she’s in 2^nd place now and she’s not dancing with the likes of YOU.  Besides, did you forget you’re married with two kids already?   You became a bit of a creep.   Geez.  BUT!

She’s about to have a catfight on the dance/gym floor with the homecoming queen from back in the day, #1 Barcelona.  Her husband’s a bank veep, she’s a high-end realtor herself, and she didn’t need to get a rental car – already has a sweet ride.   Catfights never end in draws in real life.   RESULT:   1-1

   Unless, she’s a LIAR like Romy

3. AS Monaco vs. Paris Saint-Germain – French Ligue 1

No surprises here with #2 and #1.  AS Monaco hasn’t lost at home this year.  PSG hasn’t lost, period.   Best match o’ the day.   Monaco drops to 3rd with the loss.   RESULT:   PSG   1-2

4. America vs. Cruz Azul – Liga MX

The Liguilla (postseason) opening round continues!   The first leg ended in a scoreless draw.   Oddly, #3 seed America was much better on the road than at home this year.  #6 Cruz Azul was more consistent, so Noobstradamus putting this match on an informal Upset Watch.   Or Noob might end up Informally Upset.  What a crazypants rule.   If the aggregate is tied after both matches, the higher-seeded team advances.   America advances in underwhelming fashion.   RESULT:   0-0

     Others be hating, I be prognosticating.

5. Flamengo vs. Santos – Brazil Serie A

Two games to go in the league season.  Flamengo is in 6^th, in line for a Copa Libertadores berth next year, for the moment.  The standings are tight enough that it’s not guaranteed.  Santos is in 4^th, and they will be in CL 2018.  RESULT:   Santos   1-2

6. Rapid Vienna vs. Red Bull Salzburg – Austrian Bundesliga

How is Salzburg not in 1^st?   Nothing wrong with 2^nd place, of course.  But their goal differential (23) is larger than all the other GD’s in their league combined.  Most of their scoring as been done at home though, so 3^rd place RV may well be able to hold serve.   The Wiinged Ones survive.   RESULT:   Salzburg   2-3

   What the actual…

7. Zira vs. Qarabag – Azerbaijan Premier

Qarabag have to be glad to be getting focused again on league play.  They made the Group Stage in Champions League, but they return bloodied, bruised and eliminated.   They lead this league, if just.  Zira is in 3^rd and only one point back.   RESULT:   Qarabag   2-3

8. Shanghai SIPG vs. Shanghai Shenhua – China FA Cup

The Final!   This is the second leg.   League-plodder Shenhua won the first match 1-0.   It may be a very different tale on league power SIPG’s pitch though.   Not different enough.  Despite losing this match and the aggregate score being tied, Shenhua wins the title!  Away-goals tiebreaker.   Hail to the Cup champs!   RESULT:   3-2

  Bamboo cane race in China.  Why build entire boats?

9. Motherwell vs. Celtic – Scottish Leagues Cup

It’s a one-off Final in Scotland’s second-most-important Cup tournament!

Motherwell is listed at the home team for this technically-neutral site game.  It’s being held at Hampden Park – Scotland’s national football venue.  Celtic doesn’t play their league matches there, but they and it are in Glasgow.   Celtic lead the league and should be heavy favorites against the middling “Steelmen”.   RESULT:   Celtic   0-2

10. New Caledonia vs. Estonia – international friendly

At #156, New Caledonia are actually the 4^th-ranked team in the entire Oceania Football Confederation!  Estonia is only the 38^th-best national team in Europe, FIFA rank #84.   The Estonian fellows must’ve done something special to earn a trip to this little slice of paradise.  It’s sunny and 73 degrees today.   RESULT:   1-1

  Been a while, ladies!   Did you get to go on the vacay?