Tag: Trellesborg

’10 to Track’ Relegation Monday matches – feel the suckitude

On Monday’s, what with world soccer scheds being lighter, Noob introduces you to teams about to be Relegated.

Feel their pain.  Mondays are for pain.

  1. Queretaro vs. Tigres UANL – Liga MX Femenil

Noob’s beginning to think Queretaro only gets to play teams at the top of the table. we see them so much.   They’re 5th in Group 2 (of 2), taking on the #1 side today.   Neither side plays a ton of D.

Difference is, Tigres score like no one else.  Queretaro score…well, some.    Not enough.  They’ll get embarrassed by three today.

RESULT:   Tigres   1-2

B.  Southampton vs. Brighton & Hove Albion – English Premier League

The lone EPL match today features two sides that aren’t quite in Relegation position, but they aren’t far above it, and they were even closer to danger last year.

No matter how hard they pack it in on defense all season, neither will score enough to make midtable.   (3:00 PM EST, NBCSN)

RESULT:   2-2       B&HA with comes back from 0-2, getting equalizer at 90’+1

Image result for b is for bad

 

 

Number B refuses to be merely “bad”.

  1. Persepolis vs. Al-Duhail – AFC Champions League

Match two of this Semifinal!   This is a really even matchup for the Iranians.  Unfortunately, they trail 0-1 after the first match in Qatar.

RESULT:   Persepolis   3-1        On to the Final!

  1. RoPS vs. KuPS – Finland Veikkausliga

There may be just enough season left for #B RoPS to think they can still make a run at the title.  They’re down seven points to HJK, the class of the league.  KuPS are tied for 3rd, part of a tight pack of teams that score a ton, but give up toooooo many goals to be a threat to the top.

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for aurora borealis finland lapland

 

Laplandic Finland (where RoPS are) gets about 10x as many Northern Lights sightings as down south.

 

And now – the Matches of Suckitude!

  1. Honka vs. PS Kemi – Finland Veikkausliga

More Finnish footyball?   You’ve got it, Noobites!   To the other end of the table we go.

Well, to see PS Kemi, anyway.   Honka the ones tied for 3rd with KuPS.  PS Kemi are in last place.  The bottom two will get Relegated.  They’re four points from daylight, so not without hope hypotherically.

Realistically?   They’re going to get doubled up on today.   Honka are that much better on both sides of the ball.

Fun Fact:    Each year, Kemi is once again home to the world’s largest snow castle.

RESULT:   Honka   2-1       Spanish international Borja Martin with both his team’s goals

  1. Hacken vs. Trellesborg – Sweden Allsvenskanliga

Hacken are a real mystery to Noob.  They have a great goal differential on the season, yet sit midtable.  Perhaps that means if last place Trellesborg can keep things close, a Monday Miracle is possible!

Naaaaaah.  They stink to high heaven.

RESULT:   Hacken   2-1

Image result for smelly swede

 

 

 

No.

  1. Chapocoense vs. Internacional – Brazil Serie A

Four of the 20 clubs in this league will get The Boot at season’s end.  Chapo are tied for 17th.  They’re just two points from getting out of danger, but time is running out.  And league #B Internacional won’t be caught napping today, or any day.  They’re just a point out of 1st.

Fun Fact:   One of their nicknames is “The Chape Terror”.    Hmm.   Maybe they could terrorize second division next season.

RESULT:   Chape   2-1      We had to wait until the last Match of Suckitude of the day, but we got our Relegation Monday miracle!

  1. Misr El-Maqasa vs. El Hodood – Egypt Premier

El Hodood are very bad.  Noob find their name funny.  Largely because I’m so damn overmedicated for my neck and lower back both being waaaay out of alignment.

RESULT:   MEM   3-1

Image result for overmedicated funny

 

 

 

That image sure is.   Thanks for the nightmare-fodder.  Damn.

  1. Ural vs. Rostov – Russia Premier

How overmedicated?  Well, I was awoken yesterday by a coworker’s phone call.   I was so out of it, the dream I was having seemed more real for quite some time afterwards than the short conversation we’d had.

I’d been dreaming about opening a cheese sandwich shop in a mall in Des Moines, Iowa.   I was working out the particulars of whether or not to carry fresh mayonnaise to spread on the bread or go with prepackaged packets.

I wish I was making that up.   Nope.

Oh yes, Ural are ghastly and will lose by at least two.

Fun Fact:   Ural are the Bumblebees.    No punchline here, just the first club Noob’s found with that nickname.

RESULT:   1-1

  1. ES Setif vs. DRB Tadjenanet – Algeria Ligue 1

This league is just a few matches in, but that doesn’t stop Noob from sniffing out crappy soccer, oh no.   Today’s visitors are tied with a couple other clubs for third-to-last, a Relegation slot.  MC Oran will climb away from the awfulness soon enough, so DRBT might be on our craptastic-radar for a while.   They’re especially lazy on defense.

Since #3 ES Setif are also competing in the late stages of the CAF Champions League, perhaps they will not be prepared today, but that’s likely the only chance their guests today will have.

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for tadjenanet

 

So long from Tadjenanet!

Yikes!   If this is their athletics scene, how crazy-violent are their football supporters?

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Relegation Monday (8/13) – getting to know teams facing The Drop

Noob has you Monday blahs-cure.  Embrace the darkness!

Nearly all today’s featured matches involve teams on the verge of being Relegated from their current league.  Let’s get to know them before they fade into the mist.

Remember you can check back for Results on Noob’s Tracks, too.

Oh, and please consider following Noob on Twitter:  @SoccerNoobUSA

Now, two matches of non-sadness!

  1. USC Landhaus Vienna vs. BIIK Kazygurt – UEFA women’s Champions League

The “Qualifying Round” is a Group affair.  40 clubs are divided into pods of four each.  Each group plays a single round robin, out of which the winners and two best-performing runners-up advance to the Knockout Stage.

There are ton of matches today.  Noob’s learning curve on the women’s side of the game has been even more difficult than for the men’s, so I can’t tell you much about the clubs.  Noob does recognize Kazygurt – a Kazakh club – from last year’s event as one that performed very well.  They are 2-0-0 so far in this event, have qualified to advance already.

Landhaus qualified by finishing #B in Austria’s top flite, the Frauenliga.  They are 1-0-1, 3rd place in the Group.  They’re tied in points in the table with a Greek Club, but down a couple on goal-differential.  This Group’s matches are all in Latvia.

RESULT:   Kazygurt   0-2

B.  Al Ahly vs. Al Nejmeh – Arab Club Champions Cup

This is a stand-alone event, meaning it doesn’t play a direct role in qualification to other international events.  It’s run annually, this being its 28th season.  Currently, clubs from 20 Arab nations participate.  Half are from Asia, half from Africa.

After to very short qualification rounds, they are down to 32 clubs.  This First Round, each pair of teams are playing two-legged ties.

Al Nejmeh is a Lebanese team which finished 3rd in their last complete league season.  They had to play in the second of the qualification rounds.   Now they will get smushed by Africa’s best club.  Noob thinks this will be a rout, Al Ahly by 3+ goals.

So this individual match by itself isn’t so much “important” to us, but Noob thinks it’s important and fun to knows the event is happening at all.  I’d never heard of it before.

بَاء‎     Fun Fact:  That’s pronounced like a Number B in Arabic.  Or maybe more like ‘B + long A sound’.  Noob is noob on many topics.

RESULT:   0-0

  1. 1. FC Cologne vs. Union Berlin – 2. Bundesliga

Noob starts us of on our Relegation tour today in a different way than before.   This league is just starting, so no team is in any kind of danger yet.  Rather, FC Cologne were demoted after a miserable season in the top league last year.

On paper, Noob would make Union Berlin a full-goal underdog today.  But it’s so hard to know if a team like Cologne is in position and spending money to try and climb right back up, or cutting costs and willing to leave with any sort of finish this season.

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for 1. FC koln funny

 

 

Disturbing Fact:  If that logo was a movie scene, it might not make the rated-R cut…

  1. Norrkoping vs. Hammarby – Sweden Allsvenskanliga

Now we jump into league matches, though this first is not a Drop Zone match.  These two are #4 and #B in UEFA’s 22nd-ranked league.  Hey, they’re playing.

Norrkoping is eight points out of 1st and the league’s only Champions League invitation.  They’re not playing like they’re going make a push the last couple matches.  Meanwhile. Hammarby trail AIK by just two, and have played one less match than them.   They’ve also won three straight.  The teams play about the same defense, but Hammarby have the offense to pull off an important road win today.

RESULT:   0-0

  1. Trellesborg vs. Sundsvall – Sweden Allsvenkanliga

And now, the Swedish sadness!  Noob saved you a box of tissues after being here last week, Trellesborg.

The bottom two from this league will get automatically Dropped.  Trellesborg are in second-to-last, four points from daylight, which even still might only mean having to play in a Relegation Playoff match with a second division team for the right to stay up.  Noob thinks they’re a goal underdog to their midtable guests today.

RESULT:   Sundsvall   1-6

Image result for Kofi Sarkodie San JoseFun Fact:  Trellesborg have an American  defender on their roster — Kofi Sarkodie.  Prior to this year, he most recently played for MLS’ San Jose Earthquakes.

  1. Union Comercio vs. Melgar – Peru Premier

Here’s an intriguing matchup.  Peru’s Premier plays three separate seasons per year.  The worst two from the aggregate of all three will get The Boot.

Here near the end second season, they’re actually 10th of 18 clubs.  But they were far and away the worst club during the first season, and still sit in last place in that aggregate table.  At home today, Noob thinks they’re in even match against Melgar.  They still can’t score, but at least now they’re preventing the other teams from doing so at will.

RESULT:   0-0

  1. 3 de Febrero vs. Cerro Porteño – Paraguay Premier

3dF fans know they’re rooting for a second-tier club.  They were just promoted this season and they’re going right back down– deep in last place in the year’s aggregate table.  C.P. finished #B in the recently-concluded Apertura, so this could be ugly today.

RESULT:   CP   1-3

Image result for don johnson miami vice Ciudad del Este

 

 

3dF’s home of Ciudad del Este was a filming location for “Miami Vice”.

  1. Merreikh Nyala vs. Kober – Sudan Premier

Sudan’s is the 7th-ranked league in Africa, though no thanks to these two sad sacks.

Late in the season, this one breaks up into Championship and Relegation divisions.  Nyala was midtable, but now are dead last in that second subdivision.  Kober was a midtable team as well, but they have been playing well enough to stay above the Cut Line.  A whopping four teams will get moved down after everything is done.

RESULT:   Kober   0-1

Image result for kofi annan

 

Not Exactly FUN Fact:   In Nyala, former U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan cofounded The Amel Center — a place of rehab and treatment for torture victims.

(How about that, two Kofi’s in one Track!)

 

  1. PSIS vs. Bhayangkara – Indonesia Liga 1

Liga 1 here is 27th-ranked in Asia, putting it a little below average.

PSIS are nowhere near average, sitting in second-to-last.  They’re three points from daylight, but have to leapfrog two teams, as three will be sent down.  They’re defense looks average on paper, but it’s really due to they just don’t try playing much offense.  Their guests today are midtable folk.

Fun Fact:   PSIS are based in Semarang, the capital of the province of Central Java.

RESULT:   Bhyangkara   1-2

  1. Jonkopings Sodra vs. Varnamo – Sweden Superettan

More Sweden?   Understandable.  Noob misses the technical support and stylings for Dan the former Intern-o Inferno, too.  Hopefully once he settles into his new entry-level role at his dream organization – the SvFF, Sweden’s women’s professional soccer org – he’ll check in with us.  Buuhhhhht Noob thinks he might really be a spy, so maybe not.  Time will tell.

This is Sweden’s second division, from which to will get run out.  Last-place Varnamo must be Swedish for “make the football sad”.  Then again, Noob studied Spanish on and off throughout his school and university years.  Me gusta juveos muchos en mis pantalones.  Amirite or amirite?  J.S. are meh.

RESULT:   Varnamo   1-3      It’s a Relegation Monday Miracle!

Image result for apladalen värnamo

 

 

So long from Noob and fictional lovers Per and Kersti, at the Apladalen in Varnamo!