Tag: MLS

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Sunday, 3/4 – Welcome, LAFC

No time for dawdling, the ten most important soccer matches to follow for the newish American fan await us, Noobites!

  1. Sporting Kansas City vs. New York City FC – MLS

Last year’s Western Conference #5 and a The Management fave hosts the Eastern’s #2.

Noob will refrain from rooting against KC just to spite The Management.  For now.  It’s a gesture of good will with which to start the season.  (7:30 PM Eastern, FS1)

RESULT:   0-2   NYCFC

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B.  Seattle Sounders vs. Los Angeles FC – MLS

Welcome, new MLS club!   Seattle – fie on you, and you know why.  Less-tenured Noobites can search back to learn about the douchebag fan/TA first soccer fan I ever knew.  Actually, I guess that is the story.  (5:00 PM, ESPN Deportes)

RESULT:   0-1   LAFC

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Number B welcomes you to the soccer family, baby LAFC.

  1. Manchester City vs. Chelsea – English Premier

The new league champs host last year’s.  Chelsea wear the sadpants, as it’s looking likely that won’t even make top four and next year’s Champions League.  Noob hopes they can catch fire starting here, pass 4th place, traitorously-named Tottenham  Sir Topham Hatt Hotspur.  (11:00 AM, NBCSN)

RESULT:   Man City   1-0

  1. Toluca vs. Pachuca – Liga MX

Tied for 6th hosts tied for 10th in a table so tight, the ordinal rankings just don’t matter yet.   Pachuca tends to play more wide open than most sides, so if Toluca can score first, this could turn into a rout.

In fact, Noobstradamus sees it just that way, 4-1 for the host Sausagers.  (1:00 PM, Univision)

RESULT:   Toluca   2-1

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Sausage can be conjugated that way?

Not even I saw that coming.

  1. Barcelona vs. Atletico Madrid – La Liga

Barcelona have yet to lose on the season.  A win today against #B Atletico – with just one loss of their own – likely salts the title away.  They play the league’s best defense, but Barcelona’s an absolute monster with the ball.  (10:15 AM, beIN Sports)

RESULT:   Barcelona   1-0

  1. Montpelier vs. Lyon – Ligue 1

These two faced off less than a month ago in the Coupe de France.  Montpelier lost 1-2 at home then.  Will history repeat itself?

Lyon is in 4th, five points behind Marseilles for the third and final Champions League berth.  Montpelier are tied for 6th, trying to catch Rennes for the last Europa League slot.

RESULT:   1-1

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History repeating itself

  1. AC Milan vs. Inter Milan – Serie A

Welcome back to the most interesting league race going.  Inter Milan were yesterday pushed out of the top four and a Champions League berth.  Today they’ll pull even on games played, but need a win to jump back up a spot in the table.

AC Milan are tied for 6th, but out of Europa League qualification based on tiebreaking goal differential.  They don’t have the defense to be great this year.  Noob smells a road win for “The Big Grass Snake”.

RESULT:   ppd

  1. Lokamotiv Moscow vs. Spartak Moscow – Russian Premier

#1 hosts #5, but with win a win Spartak would climb all the way up to #B.  Unlikely.  There’s a serious gap in defensive capability between them and the real powers of the league.

This is now the 6th-ranked league in European play.

RESULT:   0-0

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Defense.  You’re doing it wrong.

  1. Legia Warsaw vs. Lech Poznan – Poland Ekstraklasa

The regular season title is up for grabs as #1 hosts #3 in Europe’s 20th-ranked league.  Poznan sports the best goal differential in the league, so should give the league leaders a tough fight.

RESULT:   Warsaw   2-1

  1. Sanarate vs. Antigua Guatemala – Guatemala National League

Antigua was the Apertura (first half season) champs and are on top again now in the Clausura.

Sanrate has seen massive improvement.  They only finished 9th,  but are now tied for #B.  They scored 14 and gave up 22 goals before.  That line is now 14-8.  Still. Noob thinks they’d be pleased with a draw today, even being at home.

RESULT:   0-0

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Wait, can you say that?  That feels wrong. 

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Thursday, 3/1 – Noob scorns Seattle Sounders

The ten most super matches to follow for we the newish American soccer fans lie just below.  They are packed with goodness, but spiced with scorn!

Tip o’ the day:  Noobites, please consider following on Twitter, @SoccerNoobUSA.

  1. Seattle Sounders vs. Santa Tecla – CONCACAF Champions League

El Salvador’s current second-place league team lead 1-2 after the first match of this two-legged tie (two-match series).  On paper, Sounders should be an even match for them at home.  But MLS hasn’t quite begun, so that rust leaves visitors the favorites INHO.

And that’s with no bias from Noob.  This, despite the fact that the first diehard soccer fan I ever met was a college T.A. / massive bag of douche.  Noob is forever soured on the Sounders.

RESULT:   Seattle   4-0

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Home soil usually gets Noob’s support, but here’s looking at you, Sounder.

B.  NY Red Bulls vs. Olimpia – CONCACAF Champions League

Olimpia, from Honduras, are the superior team.  But they only managed a 1-1 draw against NYRB at their own place, and now the road awaits.

Actually, Noob wonders if home field advantage for this second leg will mean much.  This wouldn’t be the first time an Amuricuhn side had quieter supporters than the visitors.

RESULT:   NYRB   2-0

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Name:  Number B        

(Join the quest for change, Noobites.)

  1. Arsenal vs. Manchester City – English Premier

Arsenal are in 6th, and far enough back of even 5th in the table that their fate seems sealed – Europa League.  Burnley won’t catch them.  Man City are riding high after winning the EFL Cup, should be favored here on the road by a goal.

RESULT:   Man City   0-3

  1. Alianza Lima vs. Boca Juniors – Copa Libertadores

This is the first match of the Group Stage for these two in South America’s Champions League.  Full disclosure: this match probably won’t be close.  A.Lima is more on par with a good MLS team.  Boca Juniors are an Argentinian behemoth.

RESULT:   0-0

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Just what are you trying to tell Noob, interwebs?

  1. Caen vs. Lyon – Coupe de France

These two are 13th and 4th place in Ligue 1, respectively.  Caen’s hope lies in that Lyon may be far more focused on league play.  Only the top three will get into Champions League, and Lyon is close-ish at five points out of 4th.  This is Quarterfinal match.

RESULT:   Caen   1-0

  1. Midtjylland vs. Brondby – Denmark Superliga

These two are in an absolute dogfight for the regular season title, #B Brondby trailing by just three points with four matches to go.  Then the league title playoffs begin, for which these two have already qualified.

RESULT:   Brondby   0-1

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[See caption 4.]

  1. Besiktas vs. Fenerbahce – Turkey FA Cup

League 3rd place hosts 4th in this Semifinal, which should be one of the most competitive matches of the day.

RESULT:   2-2

  1. AE Larissa vs. AEK Athens – Greece FA Cup

This is the first leg of the Semifinal.    Larissa doesn’t score a lick, which is why they’re 13th place in league play.  AEK only give up a goal every other game on average, and the league Bth-place side won’t give one up today.

RESULT:  AEL   2-1 !

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Actual AEL match photo.

AEL, you’re doing…whatever that is… wrong.

  1. Esteghlal vs. Persepolis – Persian Gulf Pro League

Esteghlal is in a five-team logjam for 3rd place.  This will make for a wild and wooly finish, as exactly the top three league finishers will make the AFC Champions League.  They have a huge lead in goal differential, but that’s unlikely to matter which so many clubs in that mix.

Also, they’re going to get bushwhacked by runaway league-leader Persepolis.   Noobstradamus divines a 1-3 thrashing.

RESULT:   Esteghlal   1-0      Noob fail

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Judging by my facial expression, might I be experiencing a logjam of my very own right now?

  1. Al-Ain vs. Al-Wahda – UAE Pro League

This also seems to be known or have been known as Arabian Gulf Pro League.  I wish this and some other leagues around the globe would make up their darn minds.  I am Noob!   Don’t confuse me.  Noob does not need your help on that front.

That said, the match should be a doozy.  #1 hosts #B, separated by only one point in the table.  The top three will get into AFC Champions League.  But since UAE will be the host country later this year, the league champ will also get into the Club World Cup.  Enticing!

RESULT:   Al Ain   6-2

Ten To Track (8/6/2017)

1. Netherlands vs. Denmark Final!! – UEFA Women’s Euro 2017

This event should’ve had a sponsor. Germany has been the reigning champ for 22 years, so now the Final should have one. Since I’m sure it’s too late to make a corporate entity cough up money, I hereby declare this to the The Treaty of Versailles UEFA Women’s Euro 2017 Final.

B. Arsenal vs. Chelsea – FA Community Shield (Super Cup)

Eventually someone’s going to have to explain to me what the deal with shields is. Right now it burns me up.

3. NYCFC vs. New York Red Bulls – MLS

Now, if the team gets an actual shield, then we’re talking! If I were a player and got the Shield for a day, know where I’d take it? You’re darn right, a Rennaisance Faire. I’m running a sword through the gullet of some Medieval Literature grad student, then drinking honey mead while I clean my Shield.

4. Portland Timbers vs. L.A. Galaxy – MLS

*smokes a cigarette* #3 was awesome.

5. Sporting Kansas City vs. Atlanta United – MLS

Awesome matchup. KC is #1 in the weaker Western Division. Atlanta is #5 in the Eastern, but has only two fewer points with one less game played.

Avis and The Management adopt all things Kansas City.

6. Toluca vs. Atlas – Liga MX

See, soccer stuff in #5. the Avis the Noob can focus occasionally.

7. Besiktas vs. Konyaspor – Turkish Super Cup

I d wonder if these Super Cups, which are glorified preseason match-ups, are taken seriously.  If not, I want this guy in-goal:

Image result for silly Turkish Men

8. Zenit St. Petersburg vs. Spartak Moscow – Russian Premiere League

Last season’s #3 vs. #1.

9. Shanghai SIPG vs. Tianjin Quanjian – Chinese Super League

Current #2 vs. #3.

10. MFM FC vs. Enyimba – Nigeria Professional League

Current #2 vs. #5 yaddyaddawhatever let’s get to the holy crap part

Avis, soccernoob is clearly unhinged, yet won’t steer you wrong occasionally. MFM is Mountain of Fire and Miracles, a Lagos-based Pentecostal ministry organization. Look up these guys on your own, but the craziest thing I’ve found is that they’ve been accused of modern-day witch hunting in the U.S. and U.K.!

The Noob wonders what on earth he’s gotten himself into learning this sport.

Ten To Track (8/5/2017)

Hello, and welcome to what will be the start of an exciting, shared educational football adventure.  Even though I’m new to soccer and, yes, American, I can tell you what games around the world are important to watch.  And so much more.  No autobiographical foreplay, that will come in time.  Let’s just push in soccer balls deep.

1. Chicago Fire vs. New England Revolution – MLS

Why? Amuricuh, that’s why!

2. Leon vs. Cruz Azul – Liga MX

It’s the least-crappy looking match, and The Management can actually watch some of these league matches on TV.

3. San Francisco vs. New York Cosmos – NASL

The SF Deltas will one day rule the Tier Two landscape! They are an adopted team of Avis and The Management. The Management may not feel similarly, but I will persuade The Management, despite my utter lack of leverage.

4. Saint Louis vs. Swope Park Rangers – USL

Rumor has it The Management used to do stuff at non-soccer stuff at Swope Park. Another adopted Tier Two team.

5. North Carolina Courage vs. Seattle Reign – NWSL

If the Lifetime Network not only airs but buys ownership stake in a league, the Noob is following. Even if he’s wondering if the halftime show will still vilify men in some cheaply dramatic way.

6. Kashima Antlers vs. Vissel Kobe Japanese (blow) – J-League

Japan is a league I’m highlighting for reasons The Management may or may not wish to make clear in time.

7. Dortmund vs. Bayern Munich – German Super Cup

At Dortmund. They probably call this something other the other than “German Super Cup”, even in translation. I’ve learned Super Cups in various nations match up the previous season’s top flite league winner with the last Football Association Cup winner. Given that this is a lead-in match for the regular season, I honestly have no clue if these teams will care, play anything but third stringers. But it’s Super!

8. Benifica vs. Guimares – Portuguese Super Cup

In Aveiro (neutral). See #7. I also like the city name. Portuguese tends to invert the I before E-rule I grew up with in the greatest nation on Earth, so I find that exotic and sexy.

9. Feyenoord Rotterdam vs. Vitesse – Dutch Super Cup

@ Feyenoord. The Dutch also have cool vowel clumpings. So hawt.

10. Kaizer Chiefs vs. SuperSport – MTN 8 Cup

Looks like a South African knockout tournament similar to MLS Cup, but I don’t know if it determines their league championship or if it’s more of a stand-alone. Because I’m noooob!

But I still know a sweet Kaiser Chiefs jam:

The Angry Mob – Kaiser Chiefs