D-Twosday Interview (Tue., 10/3/2017)

Tuesdays, Noob usually gives you an enticing and insightful interview with someone from the glittery world of North American division two soccer. This week, with the potential demise of the NASL looming large, I took things to a whole other level. Action, not just words – Noob’s invested! I got together the three interview subjects from D-Twosday interviews past for a necessary journey and ritual.

I was deep in the woods Monday night, in a location Noob will not disclose. NASL figures joined me for a session of the dark arts. Their league must be saved, and by any means necessary.

The fire we’d made was high and hot. Too hot for the size. We shielded or faces at first, but knowing we must open ourselves to its power for their to be any chance or ceremony would have effect.

We all felt when the time was right. Edmonton FC head coach Colin Miller brought out the bones of the original Rally Rabbit, a team mascot since the turn of the century. He silently tossed them all at once into the flames, making it a true bonfire. The quick crackling they made was easily the loudest noise for miles.

Rocco Commisso, NY Cosmos owner brought out an old jock strap that had belonged to Pele. It stunk worse than the rabbit bones had. He fired it into the flames too hard, but the jock strap did not pass through. The fire caught it, and it seemed to float in the ionized air for a moment before it fell into the heart of the fire.

Puerto Rico FC head coach Marco Velez surprised us all. It turns out he’s a Santero! He took out his Elegua, his evil spirit-chasing totem. Before he could toss it in the fire, Noob slapped him full in the face. It was a mighty sacrifice to make, but so foolish. More than anything, the NASL needs bad spirits kept away. Marco merely bowed his head, understanding.

We positioned ourselves around the sacrificial fire, sitting stoically, chanting Menudo lyrics until the breaking of the sun. We left by different paths, in case Marco’s near-mistake with the Elegua messed things up royally regarding the evil spirits. Pendejo.

Like with most mysterious rituals from most religions and such, we won’t know until things wholly unfold whether or not our efforts will have helped save the NASL.

And you’ll be the among the first to know, Noobites! D-Twosday interviews and…and whatever this was will always keep you abreast and informed on all things North American division two soccer! Thanks for joining me, and see you for an interview next Tuesday!

Author: Soccernoob

After a year of previewing soccer matches the world over with my own off-brand comedy, I now provide exclusive coverage for the Isle of Sodor Premier League, Championship, and FA Cup. (FC Dryaw 'til I die.)

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