Welcome, Noobites. Are you in for a treat! This week, our D-Twosday interview isn’t a head coach. We’re delving into some deep second tier soccer poppycock this go-round. Let’s just dive in.
Noob: Hello, and welcome to soccernoob.com, Chairman Commisso.
Rocco Commisso: Soccer what? My aide said you were from USA Today.
Noob: Gatekeepers be crazy, yo. I’m from the USA today. Was yesterday, will be tomorrow.
Rocco: Look, whoever you are, I’m a busy man –
Noob: I am Noob!!
Rocco: – who both owns the New York Cosmos and serves as Chairman of the Board for the NASL.
Noob: For now.
Rocco: That hurts. But that’s fair. Let’s do this.
Noob: Fairness, full disclosure, we do nothing but. OK, so our reading audience is newish American soccer fans, eager to learn. Sum up the league drama.
Rocco: NASL was recently stripped of its Division Two status for 2018 by USSF (United States Soccer Federation). NASL is filing an antitrust lawsuit.
Noob: Noob loves Division Two soccer.
Rocco: We’ve tried to compete as a league as an alternate Division One choice to Major League Soccer. But they kick our butts.
Noob: An admirable admission, if hard to avoid.
Rocco: It’s not fair and we don’t like it.
Noob: I hope your lawyers have a better angle than that heading into this suit.
Rocco: Losing Division Two status will hurt us immensely.
Noob: I’m sure. The USSF must have the ability to not let you play.
Rocco: Umm, no.
Noob: Whoops. OK, they must be able to contractually avoid funneling your league as much money if you drop or are dropped down to Division Three status.
Rocco: We don’t get money from USSF or MLS. We operate separate from MLS.
Noob: Oh, so the NASL won’t be as attractive to players you might hope to sign because they cannot as easily make a jump to MLS.
Rocco: Nope. Not the case.
Noob: I’m confused And quite frankly, Noob doesn’t need your help on that front in soccer or life. Just check out the site. What’s the big deal about the USSF granting Division Two or any other label to NASL or any league?
Rocco: It sounds cooler.
Noob: That’s it?
Rocco: Yup. We could just concentrate on being the best league we can be. But “Division Two” looks shiny.
Noob: You said it.
* pause *
Noob: This is typically the point in the interview where the interviewee calls Noob an ass hat.
Rocco: What, am I some Puerto Rican or Edmontonian… Edmontanan… Edmontanite…head coach? I have no call to do such. I have dignity and well-tailored suits. I am a man of wealth and taste.
Noob: Oooh, and you’re a Stones fan!
Noob: Noob may think whatever judge gets this case will kick it out so fast the docket will be bent as if by Beckham. But you’ve made a fan and friend here.
Rocco: Any chance USA Today would be willing to buy my majority share in the Cosmos?
That bordered on being educational. Yikes. Noob is dizzy from the effort, truth be told.
Thanks, Noobites, for joining me on another luxurious and lemony trip into the world of (sort of – sorry, Rocky) Division Two North American soccer.