The ten most important soccer matches for newish American fans to follow. How much does Noob love bringing them to you? I unexpectedly took a hurled ball of uncooked dough to the face at local pizza chain restaurant Friday night. Broken glasses, cut nose — it had been thrown about 75 feet on a line.
We can’t be stopped, Noobites! The icing down is on hold, the labor of love is completed. All things are possible through Christ. Even goofy nonsense like this.
The Management would like to apologize for this and the all-too frequent questionable things our nutjob– wait, hold on. What?
The Management apologizes for the interruption. Noob’s story actually checks out. Thank you to for the confirmation, Dan the Intern-o Inferno. Carry on.
Chicago Fire vs. Columbus Crew – MLS
After a 3rd-place finish last year in the tougher Western Conference, Chicago are off to a winless start here early in the 2018 campaign. They’re a strange bird, statistically. Last year, they finished better than their GD might’ve indicated. This year, it’s the opposite.
Columbus are working hard to win more hearts in their hometown, as a very possible move to Austin is looming over them. They finished 2nd in the East last season, and are playing fantastic ball so far in ’18. Since they’re doing it on both sides of the ball, Noob looks for them to get a road win against the Fire. 8:30 PM Eastern, NBA League Pass 8, 9)
RESULT: Chicago 1-0
And get that man a real shirt. And a salad
B. Manchester City vs. Manchester United – English Premier
If you’re interested enough to visit Noob’s humble, goofy funhouse of soccer thoughts, the Manchester Derby is a known quantity for you. And it’s #1 vs. #B, which is always exciting, even if the hosts are miles ahead in the table.
What Noob thinks makes this most interesting is that is that City just got manhandled in Liverpool in the UEFA Champions League a couple days ago. Where is their confidence, how much will they have the tank, will they conserve their best players for the second leg of their Quarterfinal CL match with Liverpool, where did Noob leave his pants, did Noob have a good time?
So many questions. Most will be answered today. One might hope the last two remain a mystery. (12:30 PM, Telemundo)
RESULT: Man Utd. 2-3 WHAT a match! All Utd’s goals came in the second half. Had City won, it would’ve been the earliest any Premier team had ever clinched the league title.
Number B stands for bear. Bear who found or never lost his pants.
Cincinnati vs. Louisville – USL
Cincinnati grabbed their fair share and then some of the headlines last year. Their attendance figures were off the charts for a second-tier league club, and they made a deep run into the U.S. Open Cup.
Louisville must hate them. “We won the league! You only finished 6th in our conference!” A wedding in the family is what’s keeping Noob from attending this one in person. Should be physical, scrappy and awesome.
RESULT: Louisville 0-1
Monterrey vs. Pumas de UNAM – Liga MX
Noob loves these half-seasons, Apertura and Clausura, in Mexico (and other places). Only 17 games to decide things. Every match means a ton.
Pumas are in a 3-way tie for the last two slots in the postseason Liguilla. Given that they finished last place in the Clausura season, this is incredible. They’re scoring more than half again as much as before. Still, they’re not as good as the clubs they’re tied with, and Monterrey is one of the best there, period.
RESULT: Monterrey 2-1
Germany vs. Czech Republic – women’s World Cup qualification (UEFA)
Germany are #3 in the world, but just #B in their Group right now. They won at Czech Republic 0-1 earlier in this tournament. One would think they would handle business again against just the #33-ranked side.
Only the winner of each Group of five is automatically qualified to the WC. The four best #B finishers will have another qualification event to get through.
RESULT: Germany 4-0
Connah’s Quay vs. Bangor City – Welsh FA Cup
Connah’s Quay knocked the Premier league’s best team – T.N.S. last round – and so now are themselves the favorite. They are tied for #B in the league with Bangor. This is a knockout tournament, so there’s no return trip home for a second leg for Bangor here.
RESULT: Connah’s Quay 6-1
Marathon vs. Motagua – Honduras National League
Tied for 1st with just three matches to go in the Clausura (second half-season)! In the Apertura, Marathon won by just one point in the table over Motagua. But Noobstradamus is prognosticating a road win today and league title for Motagua. They’ve really stepped things up on the defensive end.
RESULT: Marathon 2-1
I ran the first marathon. Back then, we just called it one long-ass run.
Alkmaar vs. Eindhoven – Dutch Eredivisie
Alkmaar are in 3rd, and only the top two finishers will qualify for the next Champions League. At five points back of #B Ajax with just five matches to go, they’re all going to feel like must wins. And that could feel bad, because Eindhoven are #1.
RESULT: Eindhoven 2-3
It’s hard to see sad Dutch people in trademark orange.
Noob does not know why.
Spartak Trnava vs. Slovan Bratislava – Slovak Super Liga
Ranking in the bottom half of European leagues (#32), Slovkia’s top flight only gets one club into the next CL. Slovan Bratislava only have five matches to make up seven points, so this really is must-win. They’ve got the best offense in the league by far, but Trnava’s defense has been just as dominant.
RESULT: Trnava 1-0
Al Ahli vs. Al Hilal – Saudi Arabia Pro League
This is a two- horse league. Meet your stallions. They are already far enough ahead to be named the two clubs getting invited to the next AFC Champions League.
Al Hilal lead in the table by just a point. They have the league’s best defense, but aren’t that much better than Al Ahli in that regard. And Al Ahli rule on offense by a mile. Methinks there will be a change at #1 today.
You mock my pain, Dan the Intern-o Inferno? Meanie.
It was too dense a doughball to splat like that.