’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Midweek Edition, 3/27-29

Noob will have more on these first five matches of the Midweek soon, plus the other five.

  1. USA vs. Paraguay – international friendly

FIFA-ranked 25th and 30th best teams, just kicking it around.  American man’s national team still has an interim manager in place, having fired Bruce Arena after the U.S. failed to qualify for World Cup.  Paraguay missed out as well.  (7:30 PM Eastern, FS1, Univision Deportes)

RESULT:   USA   1-0    U.S. penalty kick at end of first half is the winner

Image result for freedom funny

 

 

 

Muricuh!!

 

 

 

B.  Mexico vs. Croatia – international friendly

These two qualified for World Cup, so this is a tuneup for both.  They’re ranked #17 and #15 in the world.  (10:00 PM, FS1, Univision Deportes)

RESULT:   Croatia   0-1

Image result for letter B friendly

 

 

The friendliest Number B of all

3.  England vs. Italy

#16 and #14 face off in what, still shockingly, is only a WC warmup for the hosts.  Italy hadn’t failed to qualify in like a half century or so.  (3:00 PM, Fs1, Fox Deportes)

RESULT:   1-1    Italy scored the late equalizer after a penalty was called via use of VAR (Video Assistant Referee)

  1. Athlone Town vs. UCD – League of Ireland Cup

The First Round of not-the-FA-Cup rolls on!  These two are both in Ireland’s second-tier league.  It’s very early, but University College Dublin are in 1st, Athlone Town last.

RESULT:   UCD   0-2

Image result for university college dublin football

 

UCD’s secret to success?  Water pitch.

  1. Peñarol vs. Danubio – Uruguay Premier

#1 hosts #4 here.   How is Danubio 4th?  They have nearly the worst offense in the league.

RESULT:   1-1

Wednesday, 3/28

6.  Seattle Sounders II vs. Fresno FC – USL

Welcome to the Track, expansion division two Fresno!  They opened with a loss at home to fellow expansion team Las Vegas Lights, then got a draw hosting LA Galaxy’s reserve side.  Their first road test comes against Seattle squad that likes to play wide open.

RESULT:   Fresno   0-1

Fresno FC.PNG

7.  Barcelona vs. Lyon – UEFA Women’s Champions League

This is the second leg of the Quarterfinall.  Defending champions Lyon got a late-ish goal to take a 2-1 lead at home in the first leg.

RESULT:   Lyon 0-1      On to the semifinals for the French

8.  Linkopings vs. Manchester City – UEFA Women’s Champions League

Man City lead the Finnish side 2-0 after the first leg.

RESULT:   Man City   3-5     They led 0-4 at the half

Image result for finnish soccer funny

 

Is this real?  Yes.

Is this Champions League?  Probably not.

9.  Chelsea vs. Montpelier – UEFA Women’s Champions League

Chelsea won in France 2-0 to start the tie.

RESULT:   Chelsea   3-1

Thursday, 3/29

10.  Vendsyssel vs. Esjberg – Denmark First Division

Another first-time Track visitor!  Like in many countries, the “first division” is the second-tier league, and so it is in Denmark.

Only the league champ will be automatically promoted into the country’s Super Liga.  The next two will have a playoffs, and that’s these two right now.  The race is very tight, and half the league is within ten points of 1st.

RESULT:   Vendsyssel   3-2     Esjberg equalized in the 86′ only to see Vendsyssel win it at 90′

Football efb logo.png

 

Critiquing crests is easy and cheap, but c’mon, EfB.  This looks like like a old- time-y ice cream shop sign.

’10 to Track’ soccer matches Midweek edition – UEFA Champions League, ladies’ style

Romantic lady/ Single baby/ Mm, sophisticated mama /Come on you disco lady, yeah /Play with me tonight mama, yeah

Is Kool & The Gang the right way to intro a week headlined by UEFA Women’s Champions League?

Does a Catholic bear crap in the Pope’s woods?

*bonnnnggggg*

Tuesday, 3/20

Move along!   No interesting soccer matches to be seen today.

Wednesday, 3/21

  1. Montpelier vs. Chelsea Ladies – UEFA Women’s Champions League

Noob is particularly Noob when it comes to the women’s international game.  But I gather there are no underdogs left in this field.  This is the first leg of a Quarterfinal tie.

RESULT:   Chelsea   0-2

B.  Manchester City vs. Linkopings – UEFA Women’s Champions League

Linkopings are from Finland.

RESULT:   Man City   2-0

Image result for swedish letter BDan “the Intern-o Inferno” doesn’t differentiate between Laplandic Number B’s.

  1. Liechtenstein vs. Andorra – international friendly

For all the crazy-spelled club names Noob’s been learning, turns out I can’t spell “Liechtenstein” without looking at it.  I don’t want that first E there.  Thanks for making me feel bad about myself, European microstate.   You know, I visited you once.  Stopped and had ice cream on my way to Netherlands.

Andorra – I got nothin’ for ya’.  These two national teams are FIFA-ranked 181 and 130, respectively.

RESULT:   Andorra   0-1

Image result for liechtenstein meme

 

 

 

Gah!!

 

 

 

Thursday, 3/22

  1. Lyon vs. Barcelona – UEFA Women’s Champions League

OK, I can at least tell you Lyon are the two-time defending champs.

RESULT:   Lyon   2-1      Close enough to make the upcoming second leg in Barcelona really interesting

  1. Wolfsburg vs. Slavia Prague – UEFA Women’s Champions League

Noob’s last name means “wolf” in dialectical German from circa 1500.  I wonder if my forefathers are from Wolfsburg.  Probably not.  Wolf’s pretty common, even with an E.

RESULT:   Wolfsburg   5-0    Less drama here when they return to the Czech Republic

  1. Kyrgyzstan vs. Myanmar – Asian Cup qualification

The last Group Stage is underway as teams try and qualify for Asian Cup.  The winner of that whole shebang will get to represent the continental federation at the next Club World Cup.

These two are #B and #3 in their Group of four.  Top two finishers will make the Asian Cup.  FIFA ranks the teams #115 and #142 worldwide.

RESULT:   Kyrgyzstan   5-1

Image result for ashamed office employeeNoob hurt Dan “the Intern-o Inferno”‘s feeweeings at Number B.

Buck up, buttercup.

  1. Denmark vs. Panama – international friendly

These two continue to tune up for World Cup.  For the first time ever, three Laplandic countries have qualified, and Denmark are one.  Panama have qualified for the first time in their nation’s history.  FIFA ranks them #12 and #53.

RESULT:   Denmark   1-0

  1. China vs. Wales – international friendly

Wales is a curious case – their Premier League is near the bottom of Europa in strength, but their national team is ranked about 20th in the world.  FIFA ranked China’s #65.

RESULT:   Wales   0-6

Image result for censored middle finger

 

Dan “the Intern-o Inferno” is not a master of subtlety.

  1. Faroe Islands vs. Latvia – international friendly

If you play Scrabble or Words With Friends, you likely know the word OE.  Well, it’s a storm from the Faroe Islands.  Very specific.  Latvia – I’ve got nothin’ for ya’.  #’s 97 and 131.

RESULT:   1-1

  1. Malta vs. Luxembourg – international friendly

Despite the face that it might be easy for one to leave out the O, Noob has no issues spelling Luxembourg cheat-free.  See, Liechtenstein?  You could learn something from Luxembourg.

I don’t really know what. But something…

RESULT:   0-1   Luxembourg

Image result for hug it out funny

 

Noob will politely pass, Dan.

 

Hey, The Management, did we require psych evals as part of the intern apps?

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Sunday, 3/4 – Welcome, LAFC

No time for dawdling, the ten most important soccer matches to follow for the newish American fan await us, Noobites!

  1. Sporting Kansas City vs. New York City FC – MLS

Last year’s Western Conference #5 and a The Management fave hosts the Eastern’s #2.

Noob will refrain from rooting against KC just to spite The Management.  For now.  It’s a gesture of good will with which to start the season.  (7:30 PM Eastern, FS1)

RESULT:   0-2   NYCFC

Image result for truce funny

B.  Seattle Sounders vs. Los Angeles FC – MLS

Welcome, new MLS club!   Seattle – fie on you, and you know why.  Less-tenured Noobites can search back to learn about the douchebag fan/TA first soccer fan I ever knew.  Actually, I guess that is the story.  (5:00 PM, ESPN Deportes)

RESULT:   0-1   LAFC

Image result for B is for

 

 

Number B welcomes you to the soccer family, baby LAFC.

  1. Manchester City vs. Chelsea – English Premier

The new league champs host last year’s.  Chelsea wear the sadpants, as it’s looking likely that won’t even make top four and next year’s Champions League.  Noob hopes they can catch fire starting here, pass 4th place, traitorously-named Tottenham  Sir Topham Hatt Hotspur.  (11:00 AM, NBCSN)

RESULT:   Man City   1-0

  1. Toluca vs. Pachuca – Liga MX

Tied for 6th hosts tied for 10th in a table so tight, the ordinal rankings just don’t matter yet.   Pachuca tends to play more wide open than most sides, so if Toluca can score first, this could turn into a rout.

In fact, Noobstradamus sees it just that way, 4-1 for the host Sausagers.  (1:00 PM, Univision)

RESULT:   Toluca   2-1

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Sausage can be conjugated that way?

Not even I saw that coming.

  1. Barcelona vs. Atletico Madrid – La Liga

Barcelona have yet to lose on the season.  A win today against #B Atletico – with just one loss of their own – likely salts the title away.  They play the league’s best defense, but Barcelona’s an absolute monster with the ball.  (10:15 AM, beIN Sports)

RESULT:   Barcelona   1-0

  1. Montpelier vs. Lyon – Ligue 1

These two faced off less than a month ago in the Coupe de France.  Montpelier lost 1-2 at home then.  Will history repeat itself?

Lyon is in 4th, five points behind Marseilles for the third and final Champions League berth.  Montpelier are tied for 6th, trying to catch Rennes for the last Europa League slot.

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for history repeats itself meme

 

 

 

 

History repeating itself

  1. AC Milan vs. Inter Milan – Serie A

Welcome back to the most interesting league race going.  Inter Milan were yesterday pushed out of the top four and a Champions League berth.  Today they’ll pull even on games played, but need a win to jump back up a spot in the table.

AC Milan are tied for 6th, but out of Europa League qualification based on tiebreaking goal differential.  They don’t have the defense to be great this year.  Noob smells a road win for “The Big Grass Snake”.

RESULT:   ppd

  1. Lokamotiv Moscow vs. Spartak Moscow – Russian Premier

#1 hosts #5, but with win a win Spartak would climb all the way up to #B.  Unlikely.  There’s a serious gap in defensive capability between them and the real powers of the league.

This is now the 6th-ranked league in European play.

RESULT:   0-0

Image result for poor defense soccer funny

 

 

 

Defense.  You’re doing it wrong.

  1. Legia Warsaw vs. Lech Poznan – Poland Ekstraklasa

The regular season title is up for grabs as #1 hosts #3 in Europe’s 20th-ranked league.  Poznan sports the best goal differential in the league, so should give the league leaders a tough fight.

RESULT:   Warsaw   2-1

  1. Sanarate vs. Antigua Guatemala – Guatemala National League

Antigua was the Apertura (first half season) champs and are on top again now in the Clausura.

Sanrate has seen massive improvement.  They only finished 9th,  but are now tied for #B.  They scored 14 and gave up 22 goals before.  That line is now 14-8.  Still. Noob thinks they’d be pleased with a draw today, even being at home.

RESULT:   0-0

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Wait, can you say that?  That feels wrong. 

’10 to Track’ soccer matches – midweek edition: Our Cups runneth over

Our “ten most important games to track for us, the newish American soccer fans”, hits its midweek stride.  Cups, all Cups, all the time!  Well, almost.  You’ll see, Noobites.

Tuesday, 2/6

  1. Swansea City vs. Notts County – English FA Cup

It’s down to Replays in the Round of 32.  Four of the matches ended in draws, and so get played over at the other team’s home pitch.  This time, they’ll play extra time, do penalty kick shootouts to determine winners if need be.

Swansea’s having a dilemma.  They need to remain focused, save their best players’ energy for Premier League games.  They’re in a three-way tie for the first two Relegation Zone slots in the table.  Could this open the door today for League Two (fourth-tier) Notts Co.?

RESULT:   Swansea   8-1      Not a typo.

B.  Yeovil Town vs. Fleetwood Town – EFL Trophy

A reminder of what this event is:  a knockout tournament like the FA Cup, but with only League One and Two (third and fourth-tier) teams, plus Academy teams affiliated with clubs from the top two leagues.

This is the last Quarterfinal match, and Noob’s on fire for this one!   Yeovil is Noob-adopted and Fleetwood Town is Noob-Reviled.  Never before have I had two of these statuses face off in a featured T2T match.

Yeovil is having a garbage season in League Two.  Fleetwood is faring similarly, but up in League One.  Noob doesn’t care that Fleetwood Mac is not named for this club’s town.  Anything that makes me think of Stevie Nicks is worthy of scorn!   After Yeovil prevail, Noob will start a podcast just to belt out “Yeovil True” for the world!!

RESULT:   Yeovil   3-2    Winning goal in the 90′!

Image result for ease up funny

 

 

Fleetwood pokes and prods me in ways you cannot imagine, Noobites.

  1. Celaya vs. Atletico se San Luis – Copa MX

Just as the Mexican leagues’ season is broken up into two wholly separate tournaments, so they also have to Copa.  Only clubs from the top two divisions compete, and these two are both from the second-tier Ascenso.

Here in the Group Stage, the competing clubs are in pods of just three, and they play Double Round Robins.  All three teams in this Group have earned three points in two matches, and are even tied on goal differential.  Celaya won the Apertura, and so should be favored by plenty at home.

RESULT:   Celaya   1-0

  1. Paderborn vs. Bayern Munich – DFB-Pokal (German FA Cup)

This is a Quarterfinal match as well.  One doesn’t have to go far back at all historically to find Paderborn playing in the top division.  For now, though, they’re winning the third-tier division.  Naturally, they have their hands full and then some with Bundesliga #1 Bayern.

RESULT:   Bayern   0-6      Also not a typo.

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Good LAWD!  Dan the Intern-o Inferno, are you still watching “The Path” on Hulu?   Did it take such an unholy turn as this?

  1. Chennaiyin vs. Bengaluru – Indian Super League

#B hosts #1 in what Noob thinks of as India’s “promotional” league.  India’s federation felt it needed a separate league from their co-top flight I-League for reasons that elude me.  But we’re down with more footyball!

The top four will make the league playoffs.  Bengaluru should be safe, four points up on the pack.  A road win here would seal it.  They have the better offense, but Chennaiyin play every bit as good of defense.

RESULT:   Bengaluru   1-3

Wednesday, 2/7

  1. Tottenham Sir Topham Hatt Hotspur vs. Newport County – English FA Cup

League Two Newport Co. held on for a 1-1 draw in their first match with Reviled Hotspur.  All this has earned them is a chance to try again, but this time at Wembley.  Sadly for Noob, they’ll be doing well to keep within two goals of the Traitorously-Named Ones.

RESULT:   Hotspur   2-0

Image result for evil harry hotspur

 

 

 

Harry “Hotspur” Percy even  STOOD on PUPPIES!

  1. Atlas vs. Tampico Madero – Copa MX

All three teams in this Group are tied in the table with two matches to go.  Ascenso side Tampico Madero could be strong enough to get promoted to the top flight at season’s end.  That likely won’t help them on the road against better-than-average Liga MX Atlas.

RESULT:   Tampico Madero   1-2

  1. Atlletico Nacional vs. Millonairos – Colombia Primera A Final

OK, so Noob’s confusion is now mostly resolved.  Previously, it had been unclear to me just what this was.  My instinct was right and it’s essentially a Super Cup, common to so many leagues, pitting the top two sides from the previous year in a preseason exhibition.

The first match of this two-legged tie went scoreless, so the winner today wins…well, a trophy Noob supposes.

RESULT:   Millonarios   1-2

Image result for Colombia is boring

 

 

Um, hey. Juana – the game’s on…

Lucas, watch out for Harry Percy, might stand on ya’.

 

 

Thursday, 2/8

  1. Valencia vs. Barcelona – Copa del Rey

This is the second leg (match) of a Semifinal tie (series) in Spain’s FA Cup.

Barcelona have yet to lose in La Liga, so 3rd-place Valencia did well to lose just 0-1 in the first leg.  It will take a mighty effort for them to advance to the Final, but home pitch can mean everything.

  1. Jorge WIlstermann vs. Oriente Petrolero – Copa Libertadores qualification

Wilstermann won the first match of this two-legged tie 1-2, and now get a chance to seal the deal at home against their weaker Bolivian league foe.  The winner will make the final eight in this event, out of which six teams will make it into C.L.

Image result for seal the deal funny

 

Ewwww.

Um, play midfield really well.

’10 to Track’ for midweek 1/16-18 — from FA Cup to the intern’s Swede fetish

Time to bear down on the ten most important games to follow, for us, the newish American soccer fans!

Relegation Monday was a rousing success for the underdogs, as three Drop Zone-sides found ways to win.  But now is the time of week for mostly Cup tournament action.

And to see how Noobstradamus, The Management, and Dan “the Intern-o Inferno” are faring in their Prognostication Challenge (*echo* challenge..challenge..)

Tuesday, 1/16

  1. Mansfield Town vs. Cardiff City – English FA Cup

Excellent League Two (fourth tier) Mansfield earned a 0-0 draw in the match in Cardiff.   So now they Replay it, but this time on their own pitch.  Cardiff is a top-notch EFL Championship (second-tier) club.

Fun Fact:  Mansfield’s Town was first “Mansfield Wesleyan”.  The church abandoned the team when they turned professional.

RESULT:   Cardiff   1-4

Image result for god hates soccer

 

 

Thou shalt NOT play for money.

B.  AS Monaco vs. Nice – Ligue 1

Nice isn’t bombing by any means, being in 6th.   But they’re 11 points out of even 4th place and a Europa League berth, so this match is all about Monaco.

The hosts are in second, but lead Lyon by only a single goal on differential, and Marseille by just one point in the table.  Nice can’t score, so Monaco should be fine.  For the moment.

RESULT:   2-2

Image result for French letter BVintage French painted metal marquee sign…

Number B!   

tres chic

  1. Zacatecas vs. Santos – Copa MX

This is the Clausura (“closing”) Copa.  Just as the Mexican season is divided into two halves, so there are two Copas. This is in the Group Stage.  The top two leagues’ teams are divided into Groups of three for a single Round Robin.  Winners of each advance.

Zacatecas is the only second-division team in their Group.  But the got a draw against Toluca in their first match, and Santos isn’t nearly as good.  Noobstradamus is calling this one for the host Miners.

RESULT:   Santos   0-1     Turns out the egg was on Noobstradamus’ face

Image result for noobstradamus

 

Yo pronostico juevos en mis pantalones.

 

Juevos por todas las personas.

  1. Club Brugge vs. Sporting Charleroi – Belgian FA Cup

It’s a shame these two are meeting in the Quarterfinals, given that they’re #1 and #2 in Belgium’s top league.  That said, Brugge will win.   They score half again as many goals as Charleroi, and boast the league’s second-best defense as well.

RESULT:   Brugge   5-1

Wednesday, 1/17

  1. Wigan Athletic vs. AFC Bournemouth – FA Cup

For those who love underdogs, Wigan is your team today.  They’re in 1st place In third-tier League One, kicking tail and taking names.

For Noob, it’s all about the Fighting Cherries.  Bournemouth are my first Adopted team.  They’re coming off a sweet upset of Arsenal a couple days ago.  Here’s to hoping that confidence carries over now.  They tied 2-2 in their first meeting, so this is another Replay.

RESULT:   Wigan   3-0     Sadness reigns!   Noob’s fave goes down

Image result for fighting cherries

 

Fighting cherries.  Right.

  1. Oldham Athletic vs. Leicester Academy – EFL Trophy

A reminder of what this event is:  While FA Cup, has hundreds of teams from many levels of English football, EFL Trophy is a tournament just for the third and fourth-tier leagues, plus the Youth teams of clubs from the top two leagues.

The winner here gets the last Quarterfinal slot.  Oldham play in third-tier League One, and are barely above the Relegation line there.  Noob would have no idea how to handicap them against a U21 squad, so we’ll all learn together, Noobites.

RESULT:   Oldham   4-2

  1. Dorados de Sinaloa vs. Monterrey – Copa MX

Dorados lost their first Group Stage match to a fellow Ascenso league side.  At home or not, Apertura Copa champion Monterrey are going to swallow them whole.

RESULT:   Monterrey   1-2     The Albiazules come back with goals at 75′ and 90′.

  1. Espanyol vs. Barcelona – Copa del Rey

Spain’s FA Cup is down to 16 teams.  Unlike a lot of these sorts of events, they’re play two-legged ties (two games) to determine who advances.

And so, good news, La Liga 14th-place Espanyol!  You’ve overachieved.  Bad news.  You drew league-undefeated Barcelona as your opponent.  Good luck with that.  Here’s creepy shite to help…

RESULT:   Espanyol   1-0      Holy mackerel!

Image result for good luck charm soccer

  1. Morocco vs. Guinea – African Nations Championship

You’ll find this event frequently abbreviated as “CHAN” many places, Noobites.  It’s early in its Group Stage.

This event is a tough one for Noob to handicap.  FIFA rankings for national teams just don’t seem likely to be applicable here.  Players are only eligible if they are both from and play in a league IN their respective countries.  No expatriates allowed.

RESULT:   Morocco   3-1

Thursday, 1/18

  1. South Africa vs. Sweden – women’s international friendly

Dan the Intern-o Inferno has made it clear to me he will always pick the lady Swedes in the ongoing Midweek Prognostication Challenge (*echo* challenge..challenge..) below.

Who can blame him for this bias?  They’re sure to be lovely, and they carry a superior FIFA ranking to that of the South Africans (who are also lovely and kick-ass Noob is certain).

RESULT:     ppd

**PROGNOSTICATION CHALLENGE**

(*echo* challenge..challenge..)

WEEK 3 PICKS

Dan the Intern-o InfernoMansfield, Monaco (“you try living in a country the size of a thumbnail”), Sporting Charleroi, Santos, Wigan, Oldham, Espanyol, Guinea, Dorados, and (of course) Sweden

The ManagementMansfield, Nice, Brugge, Zacatecas, Bournemouth, Leicester Academy, Espanyol, Morocco, Dorados, South Africa

Noobstradamus:  Cardiff, Monaco, Brugge, Zacatecas, Bournemouth, Oldham, Barcelona, Morocco, Monterrey, Sweden

–Every Midweek, we pick the 10 midweek Tracked matches.  Pick a winner, get a point.  Pick a predesignated heavy underdog, get two points. —

Week Two Results:    The Management = 3;  Dan = 7;  Noob = 7

OVERALL:   Dan = 11;  Noob = 10;  The Management = 7

Ten to Track (8/7/2017)

1. Barcelona vs. Chapaecoense – Joan Gamper Trophy

Annual Barcelona-hosted preseason game for a trophy named after a GUY named Joan. One to watch just for the chance at an explanation on that gender-bender.

Joan Gamper 1910 year.jpg

B. Shamrock Rovers vs. Cork – Irish FA Cup

Cork has lost one game in league all season. This is a semifinal.

3. Galway vs. Dundalk – Irish FA Cup

Dudalk should win handily, even on the road, for the right to lose to Cork 11-0 in the Final. Slainte! Christopher Nolan should make a movie about it since true protagnist-free Dunkirk stunk like this commentary…*bonnnnnnngggggg*

4. Djurgardens vs. Malmo – Swedish Allsvenskan

I may just call every country’s top-flite league “Premier” eventually. Talk American, world!

I think Allsvenskan translates to “All-Skate”. Everyone MUST skate. Childhood rink memories flood in.

5. Osijek vs. Rijeka – Croatian Perv League

It’s The Croatian First League, HT Prva league for sponsorship reasons. The Noob gets no kuna, so it’s the Perv League now.

(Last season’s #4 hosts defending league champ)

6. Mlada Boselov vs. Slavia Prague – Czech First League

Last season’s #4 hosts defending league champ

7. FC Astana vs. Ordabasy Shymkent – Kazakhstan Premier League

Astana leads this this two-horse league. O.S. stands at third.

8. BJMC vs. Abahani Chittabong – Bangladesh Premier League

I had a college roommate from Bangladesh named Wafiul. He didn’t like to give my hot redhead girlfriend and me privacy. We’re not in touch.

9. Fenerbahce vs. Cagliari – Club Friendly

Turkish vs Italian sides

10. Steinbach vs. Cologne – Club Friendly

Some Tier Three-or-worse team that must be geographically near Cologne hosts Cologne, who are warming up for the Bundesliga by storming small towns for soccer goals and Tier Three birddogging of players’ girlfriends.